| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| [00:07] | The ones you love… | 你所爱之人 |
| [00:10] | the way they love you… | 他们如何爱你 |
| [00:13] | the way you love yourself. | 你又如何爱自己 |
| [00:16] | Namaste. | 我向你致意 |
| [00:17] | Welcome to SmoothBrain’s guided meditation | 欢迎使用＂平脑引导式冥想＂ |
| [00:21] | for navigating this difficult time in your relationship. | 带领您渡过感情上的困难阶段 |
| [00:25] | Exhale negativity. | 吐出负能量 |
| [00:27] | Ava! | 艾娃 |
| [00:29] | Mario Cantone is so gay that when he was born, | 玛利欧坎东是个彻底的同志 |
| [00:32] | the doctor spanked him, and he said… | 他刚出生，医生打他屁股，他说… |
| [00:34] | Can you knock? | 可以先敲吗？ |
| [00:36] | Why would he knock on a baby’s butt? | 为什么要敲婴儿屁股？ |
| [00:38] | No, I mean, can you knock on the door before you barge into my room? | 我是说，冲进我房间前 可以先敲门吗？ |
| [00:41] | Oh, well, first of all, this is my room in my house. | 首先这是我的房间，我的房子 |
| [00:45] | And this isn’t just any “room.” | 而且这不是普通房间 |
| [00:47] | I mean, this is the 1987 to ’92 guest suite. | １９８７年到１９９２年 这里是客房 |
| [00:50] | I know, and it’s disturbing. | 我知道，让人很不舒服 |
| [00:51] | I’m surrounded by photos of you shaking hands with literal war criminals. | 挂满了你和战争犯握手的照片 |
| [00:54] | – Can I hide some of these pictures? – No. | －可以把其中几张藏起来吗？ －不行 |
| [00:57] | Okay, back to the roast joke. | 回来讨论吐槽的笑话 |
| [00:58] | Mario Cantone is so gay that when he was born, | 玛利欧坎东打从骨子里就是同志 |
| [01:01] | the doctor spanked him, and he said… | 他刚出生，医生打他屁股时，他说… |
| [01:05] | Now spin around. It’s my turn. | ＂转身，换我打了＂ |
| [01:07] | That’s good. That’s good. | 这个好笑 |
| [01:08] | Okay, I’m going to leave the door open. I want to air this room out. | 门就不关了，这个房间需要透气 |
| [01:23] | I received a call. | 我接到一通电话… |
| [01:31] | As I was saying, the host of the late– | 我刚刚说到，＂深夜秀＂主持人… |
| [01:45] | They’re Polish… for some reason. | 他们是波兰人，不知道为什么 |
| [01:49] | Anyway, Danny Collins called me. | 总之呢 丹尼柯林斯打给我 |
| [01:54] | He’s leaving late night. | 他要离开＂深夜秀＂了 |
| [01:56] | I have been waiting over 40 years for a second chance. | 第二次机会我等了４０多年 |
| [02:00] | This is it. | 终于等到了 |
| [02:02] | I want that chair. | 我要那个位子 |
| [02:06] | Okay, full-body chills. | 我全身打冷颤 |
| [02:07] | – Feel. Goose bumps. – No. | －你摸，鸡皮疙瘩 －不要 |
| [02:09] | Okay, I know this isn’t my world, | 这不是我的领域 |
| [02:11] | but doesn’t the network already know who they want to take over? | 电视台应该已经有属意人选了吧？ |
| [02:13] | Well, normally, that’s how it works, but right now there’s no clear successor. | 通常是这样 但现在没有确定的接班人 |
| [02:17] | Plus, everybody is still talking about Deborah guest-hosting. | 而且黛博拉客座主持的热度还很高 |
| [02:19] | So, even though it’s a long shot, if ever there was a moment, this is it. | 虽然希望不大，但这是最好的机会 |
| [02:23] | It’s not going to be easy.This network has ever hired a woman for 11:30… | 肯定不容易，这个电视网 不曾让女性主持１１点半的节目 |
| [02:27] | or anyone as old as me or, | 或像我这么老的人 |
| [02:29] | let’s be honest, a blonde. | 更别说金发女郎了 |
| [02:31] | It’d be easier to get elected president. | 这比当选总统还难 |
| [02:33] | Should we just do that, then? | 那干脆选总统吧 |
| [02:35] | God, I’d love to get my hands on those gardens. | 我超想要那些花园的 |
| [02:38] | But every time I’m at the White House, it just–I don’t know–it feels small. | 但我每次去白宫 说不上来，总觉得好小 |
| [02:41] | Sure. | 当然 |
| [02:42] | Anyway, the next few weeks are going to be critical. | 总之接下来几周很关键 |
| [02:44] | I need to be sharper and funnier than I’ve ever been, | 我要比过去更机智，更风趣 |
| [02:48] | which is why Ava has so generously agreed to come here on her hiatus. | 所以艾娃很大度地答应休假时来帮我 |
| [02:53] | First up is my roast.Jimmy, is there someone from the network we can invite? | 首先是我的吐槽大会 吉米，电视网有人要邀请吗？ |
| [02:56] | – Oh, yeah, I’m already on it. – Fantastic. | －有，我已经在办了 －好极了 |
| [02:58] | More importantly, Damien, schedule me for a lymphatic drainage and a Fraxel. | 更重要的，戴米恩 帮我约淋巴排毒和飞梭电射 |
| [03:02] | Ava, you need to fire my new writers. | 艾娃，你去开除我的新写手 |
| [03:04] | – Excuse me? – Yeah, they’re in her office. | －什么？ －对 |
| [03:05] | They’ve been here for a while. | 他们在她办公室等一阵子了 |
| [03:07] | I gave them nuts. | 我有给他们坚果 |
| [03:10] | Are you serious? | 你认真吗，不要 |
| [03:11] | No, I can’t fire them. We know each other. | 我不能开除他们，我们认识 |
| [03:13] | I cannot afford to have any new enemies out there. | 我不能树立任何新敌人 |
| [03:17] | This’ll soften the blow. | 这样他们比较不会难过 |
| [03:19] | Are you being real? | 你认真吗，不可以 |
| [03:21] | No, don’t–Wait, what are you walking away for? | 你干吗走掉？ |
| [03:23] | Hey, Jimmy, tell her– | 吉米，跟她说… |
| [03:29] | It’s like someone’s making French toast all the time. | 感觉像是有人一直在做法国吐司 |
| [03:31] | – Yeah. – But they’re not.Like, there’s no one in the kitchen right now, | －然后呢？ －但是没有，现在厨房半个人都没有 |
| [03:35] | I don’t think. | 应该没有 |
| [03:37] | Hey, hey. What is up, my dudes? | 两位朋友，你们好啊 艾娃？ |
| [03:41] | – Ava? – Hey.Yep, it’s your girl.You guys enjoying Vegas or– | 正是我，你们还喜欢赌城吗？ |
| [03:45] | – I mean, yeah, it’s fine. – It’s okay. | －不错啊… －还可以 |
| [03:47] | Like, it’s a little weird. I can’t find vegetables. | －有点怪，我找不到蔬菜 －对 |
| [03:50] | Totally.So I do have news… | 我有一些消息 |
| [03:52] | from the big D. | 大姐头那里来的 |
| [03:54] | How do I say this? | 该怎么说呢？ |
| [03:57] | Do you guys remember in “Ice Age 12” | 你们记得 ＂冰原历险记＂第１２集 |
| [04:00] | when Scrat had to let the Puffin Twins go | 鼠奎特让海鹦双胞胎离开 |
| [04:03] | so they could swim back to Puffin Island | 让牠们回到海鹦岛 |
| [04:04] | because there was no more room left on the iceberg? | 因为冰山上没有空间了？ |
| [04:08] | – Are you firing us? – No, no. | －你在开除我们？ －不是… |
| [04:11] | – Yes. – What? | －对 －什么？ |
| [04:12] | – Oh, my God. – This is good for you. | －天啊 －这对你们有好处 |
| [04:14] | I mean, you guys don’t want to be here. | 你们不会想待在这里的 |
| [04:16] | – This is your fault. – What?- What do you mean it’s my fault? | －这要怪你 －什么…你什么意思？ |
| [04:18] | – You are deadweight.It’s why you didn’t make “Lampoon” until junior year. | 你是个累赘，所以我们一直 到三年级才进喜剧社 |
| [04:21] | – You’re not funny. | 你不好笑 |
| [04:22] | – You’re not funny!You can’t write a joke. | －你才不好笑 －你写不出笑话 |
| [04:24] | I don’t understand watching “30 Rock” and changing one word of a Carlock script | －难怪会被开除 －我不懂看＂超级制作人＂ |
| [04:26] | and being like, I’m a professional. | 改一句卡洛克的剧本 怎么就能自称是专业人士？ |
| [04:30] | Oh, my God, your obsession with comparing me to Robert Carlock. | 天啊，你怎么那么爱 拿我跟劳勃卡洛克比较 |
| [04:33] | – That was horrible. | 好可怕 |
| [04:34] | – Oh, you’ll get over it. | 你会释怀的 |
| [04:36] | No, I will never get over it. One of them cried. | 不可能，其中一个人还哭了 |
| [04:38] | That’s good.You know, it’s the ones who don’t cry who always bring wrongful-termination lawsuits. | 很好，不哭的人 才会打不当解雇的官司 |
| [04:44] | Hey. Sorry to interrupt. | 抱歉打扰 |
| [04:47] | I’m on the phone with the roast producers, and– | 我在跟吐槽大会的制作人通电话 |
| [04:49] | They’re on mute. Don’t worry. | 别担心，我开静音了 |
| [04:50] | They’re saying that it’s really helpful if a family member roasts the honoree, | 他们说家人吐槽的效果更好 |
| [04:53] | and they pitched DJ. | 他们建议找黛洁 |
| [04:55] | – Absolutely not. – Or… | 绝对不行 |
| [04:58] | Kathy. Vance. Your sister. | 不然就是凯西凡斯 －你妹妹 |
| [05:00] | – I’ll ask DJ. – Great. | －我问黛洁 好极了 |
| [05:02] | She loves the idea. She’s freaking out. | 她觉得是好主意，乐疯了 |
| [05:04] | Yes, she’s going to call. | 对，她会打电话问 |
| [05:07] | I forgot to show you. | 忘了给你看 |
| [05:08] | I had Damien make this. | 这是我叫戴米恩做的 |
| [05:09] | It is a full-body printout of everybody who’s doing the roast. | 他印了有所吐槽者的全身照片 |
| [05:13] | This way, we can concentrate on attacking their physical flaws. | 这样方便我们攻击身体上的缺陷 |
| [05:17] | Just want to say–roasts are vile. | 我只是想说，吐槽很恶毒 |
| [05:20] | I mean, everything about them is problematic. | 各个面向都很不妥 |
| [05:22] | The material punches down,almost always at the expense of women and other marginalized groups. | 内容都是打击弱势者 几乎总是取笑女性和其他少数族群 |
| [05:26] | It’s almost fascistic when you think about it, you know? | 仔细想想，几乎有点 法西斯主义的味道 |
| [05:29] | So I have a question for you. | 我要问你一个问题 |
| [05:31] | What if we reinvent the roast? | 不如我们颠覆吐槽公式 |
| [05:35] | Do, like, an uplifting version of it? | 改成比较正面的呢？ |
| [05:36] | I have a question for you. | 我也有个问题 |
| [05:38] | What rhymes with “flat tits”? | 什么词跟＂平胸＂押韵？ |
| [05:42] | – I’ll look it up on RhymeZone. – Great. | －我去查韵脚网 －好极了 |
| [05:44] | – Hello, Ms. Vance. – Hi, April. | －凡斯小姐，你好 －爱波 |
| [05:46] | Oh, I missed you. | 我好想你 |
| [05:48] | Is this an okay place to set up? Yeah, it’s great. | －可以在这里做吗？ －可以，很好 |
| [05:52] | Okay… | 好的 |
| [05:55] | I’m not going to sit here and pitch jokes while you have Botox needles in your face. | 你脸上打肉毒时 我可不想在这里想笑话 |
| [05:59] | Well, too bad.I was going to give you ten units for free. | 可惜，我本来想免费送你１０个单位 |
| [06:02] | – Can I do my armpits? – Please. | －腋窝可以打吗？ －拜托了 |
| [06:08] | Sweetie, please, elbows off the table. The self-tanner stains. | 亲爱的，手肘别架在桌上 仿晒剂会沾上去 |
| [06:11] | – And put your napkin in your lap. – Mom, I’m an adult. | －餐巾放大腿上 －妈，我是大人了 |
| [06:14] | Here’s your plain pasta with butter. | 你的纯意大利面加奶油 |
| [06:16] | Thank you. | 谢谢 |
| [06:19] | Okay. My roast. | 话说 我的吐槽大会 |
| [06:22] | The producers want to know if you’ll perform. | 制作人想邀请你上台 |
| [06:24] | Now, I know that sounds a little scary, | 我知道听起来有点吓人 |
| [06:26] | but think of all the D’Jewelry you can promote | 但你可以宣传你的首饰 |
| [06:28] | and might be a nice bonding experience for the two of us. | 我们母女也可以趁机多相处一下 |
| [06:33] | Oh, right.Yeah, what better way to bond than let you insult me | 对啊，母女相处最好的方式 |
| [06:34] | in front of tens of millions of people? | 就是你当著数千万人羞辱我 |
| [06:37] | Tens of millions, that’d be great. | 有数千万人就好啰 |
| [06:40] | Honey, sit up straight. Your posture is atrocious. | 亲爱的，坐直点，你的姿势好糟糕 |
| [06:43] | – Okay, yeah, I’m going to pass. – Oh, come on. | －我看还是不要了 －别这样 |
| [06:45] | Nah, that sounds like a lose-lose situation for me, | 不要，这对我是双输的局面 |
| [06:48] | and I just don’t need that kind of stress in my life right now. | 我现在不需要这种压力 |
| [06:51] | I get it. I get it. | 我懂… |
| [06:52] | But, honey, this is such a big deal for me. | 但这对我很重要 |
| [06:55] | Is there anything I can do to convince you? | 我能做什么说服你吗？ |
| [07:00] | Yes. | 可以 |
| [07:02] | Come to my recovery meeting with me tomorrow. | 明天跟我一起参加戒瘾聚会 |
| [07:06] | I’ll write you a check for $25,000. Mom, come on. | －不如开两万五的支票给你吧 －妈，别这样 |
| [07:09] | You’ve never come to one of these with me before. | 你没有跟我参加过这种聚会 |
| [07:12] | And tomorrow’s a really big deal. It’s my five-year anniversary. | 明天很重要，是我戒瘾满５周年 |
| [07:16] | Please? It would really mean a lot to me. | 拜托，这对我意义重大 |
| [07:21] | – Sure. – Really? | －没问题 －真的吗？ |
| [07:22] | – Yeah, okay. – Oh, awesome. | －我去 －太棒了 |
| [07:25] | Thank you.You know what? | 谢谢，而且呢 |
| [07:27] | I think you’re actually going to enjoy yourself. | 你应该会很开心 |
| [07:28] | There are women there who are 20 years younger than you but look 30 years older. | 那里有些女生明明小你２０岁 但看起来比你老３０岁 |
| [07:32] | – That sounds fun. – Right. | －听起来很好玩 －对吧？ |
| [07:53] | – Ava. – Hey. I missed you so much. | 艾娃 我好想你 |
| [07:57] | I thought this was a school fundraiser. | 我以为这是学校的募款活动 |
| [07:59] | Girl, it is. It’s the PTA fashion show. | 没错啊，这是家长会时装秀 |
| [08:02] | But why are all the women so unbelievably hot? | 为什么所有女生都性感到不行？ |
| [08:05] | Okay, horny. | 你性欲来啦？ |
| [08:07] | Girl, this is Las Vegas. | 这里是拉斯维加斯 |
| [08:09] | Most of the moms here are showgirls, acrobats, | 大部分妈妈都是歌舞女郎，特技演员 |
| [08:12] | or, like, married to a Raider. | 或是嫁给球员 |
| [08:13] | Yeah, makes sense. | 有道理 |
| [08:18] | – Are there kids here? – No, of course not. | 这里…有小孩吗？ 当然没有 |
| [08:19] | This fundraiser is for the older, rich dads with late-in-life kids | 这场募款活动针对的是 老年得子的有钱老爸 |
| [08:24] | to open up their hearts and their wallets | 吸引他们敞开心房和荷包 |
| [08:26] | so the school can finally have a botanical garden. | －让学校盖一座植物园 －明白 |
| [08:29] | – Totally. – Denise.Waist, very snatched.Ass, very fat. | 丹妮丝，好棒的臀腰比 |
| [08:33] | Also, I love Stephanie’s diorama on the Hoover Dam. | 我好喜欢史黛芬妮做的 胡佛水坝透视图 |
| [08:36] | I learned so much. | 我学到好多 |
| [08:41] | That’s quite good. | 还蛮好吃的 |
| [08:43] | Ironically, it would pair well with a nice dry Chablis. | 讽刺的是，这个很配 不甜的夏布利白酒 |
| [08:46] | That’d be super funny if this wasn’t NA. | 可惜这里是戒酒会，不然蛮好笑的 |
| [08:49] | Look who’s finally made it in. | 看看谁终于大驾光临了 |
| [08:51] | It’s Deborah Senior. | 是老黛博拉 |
| [08:53] | Mom, this is Laurie, my therapist. She leads group. | 妈，这是我的咨商师萝里 负责团体疗程 |
| [08:56] | Oh, so you’re the one who got my little girl clean. | 是你让我的小宝贝戒酒的？ |
| [08:58] | Well, my car insurance owes you a gift basket. | 我的汽车保险欠你一个礼篮 |
| [09:02] | – Okay. – You crack me up. | －好喔 －你真搞笑 |
| [09:05] | I’m sorry I look crap. | 抱歉我这么邋遢 |
| [09:06] | I mean, when DJ texted that you were coming, | 黛洁传简讯说你要来，我想好好打扮 |
| [09:09] | I really wanted to look my best. | 但是我的美发师动手术 |
| [09:10] | But my hairdresser had a hip replacement, and I just– | 大概严重影响了她的工作 |
| [09:12] | I think it has quite seriously affected her work. | －你很好看 －多谢夸奖 |
| [09:15] | – You look lovely. – Oh, thank you. | 黛洁，你得转会费 |
| [09:17] | Oh, DJ, you need to Zelle me for dues and the caramel frappe. | 和那杯焦糖冰咖啡的钱给我 |
| [09:21] | Thank you.Oh, while I remember, which one was it? | 谢谢，趁现在记得，你是哪一个？ |
| [09:25] | – The five. – That’s right. I knew that. | －５年 －对，我知道 |
| [09:28] | – Your garbage is in the way. | －给你 －被你的垃圾盖住了 |
| [09:30] | There we go. – Thank you so much. | －好了 －谢谢你 |
| [09:31] | Normally, I have to say, you know, don’t be scared about speaking to the group, | 通常我会说不要害怕当众发言 |
| [09:34] | but I think this time, you are going to be just fine. | 但我想这次你应该没问题 |
| [09:37] | Mark, no! Just use a plate. | 马克，不可以，用盘子啦 |
| [09:40] | Sorry, guys, I just got to make sure that everybody uses a plate, | 失陪，我要去叫大家用盘子 |
| [09:43] | ’cause if there’s lots of crumbs, there’s lots of rats, aren’t there? | 因为食物屑一多，老鼠就多 |
| [09:46] | Loads. Thank you. Sorry. Bye. | 多到不行，谢谢，抱歉，再见 |
| [09:49] | She’s great, right? | 她很棒吧？ |
| [09:51] | Yeah. | 对 |
| [09:53] | – So I have to say something? | 我要发言？ |
| [09:54] | – Yeah, duh. | 当然 |
| [09:56] | Say a couple nice words, present me with the chip. | 说几句好话，把纪念币给我 |
| [09:59] | It’s not a big deal. | 没什么大不了 |
| [10:01] | Okay. | 好 |
| [10:05] | Like, tighter. Even tighter. Like, don’t be afraid to break a rib. | 紧一点，再紧 |
| [10:06] | Yeah. | －别怕弄断肋骨 －好 |
| [10:10] | Sorry. One sec. | 抱歉，等一下 |
| [10:12] | – Hello? – Hi.I need you to write a few words for me about how proud I am of DJ | －喂？ －帮我写几句话 |
| [10:14] | for being five years clean. | 说我以黛洁戒酒５年为荣 |
| [10:17] | Short, sweet, nothing too maudlin. | 简短温馨，不要太肉麻 |
| [10:18] | Okay. When do you need it by? | 好喔，什么时候要？ |
| [10:20] | ASAP. I’m here now. Just text it to me. | 越快越好，我在现场了 用简讯传给我 |
| [10:23] | All right, I’ll send you something in a minute. | 好，马上给你 |
| [10:27] | – Who was that? | 是谁？ |
| [10:28] | – Deborah. She wants me to write something | 黛博拉要我写几句话 |
| [10:30] | for DJ’s recovery group. | 她要讲给黛洁的戒酒团体听 |
| [10:32] | That’s messed up.Isn’t that, like, personal stuff? | 好过分，那种事不是很私密吗？ |
| [10:35] | What, she want you to write her diary entries for her, too? | 难道她日记也要你帮忙写吗？ |
| [10:37] | I did once write her food journal for “Woman’s Day” magazine.- It was pretty good. – Ava… | 我替她写了＂妇女节＂杂志饮食日记 写得蛮好的 |
| [10:41] | look at yourself in the mirror. | 艾娃，看看镜中的自己 |
| [10:46] | You are a bad bitch, in-demand executive producer now. | 你现在是炙手可热的 大姐头执行制作人了 |
| [10:50] | Co-producer. It’s a couple levels below, but… | 只是共同制作人，没那么厉害 |
| [10:53] | You know that Deborah used to treat me the same? | 黛博拉以前也这样对我 |
| [10:55] | Expecting me to deal blackjack at her house on a moment’s notice. | 要我随叫随到，去她家发牌 |
| [10:59] | But then I had Luna, and I said, Deborah, look, | 但是我生下璐娜之后 我跟黛博拉直说了 |
| [11:02] | my daughter is my number-one priority right now. | 现在我女儿才是最重要的人 |
| [11:05] | If you want me to be somewhere, | 要我去什么地方 |
| [11:07] | you got to give me at least 24 hours’ notice to get a babysitter. | 得提前２４小时通知，让我找保姆 |
| [11:10] | And that worked? | 有用吗？ |
| [11:11] | No, but she did offer to pay Luna’s school tuition here instead. | 没有，但她提议帮璐娜付这里的学费 |
| [11:15] | They have amazing after-school care, so I can go whenever. | 课后安亲服务很棒，我随时可以离开 |
| [11:17] | But the point is, I did set that boundary. | 重点是我设下明确的界线 |
| [11:20] | And now Luna can play the French horn. | 而现在璐娜会吹法国号了 |
| [11:24] | You’ve got to set boundaries and keep things appropriate. | 一定要设下界线，公私分明 |
| [11:29] | – You’re right. – Yeah. | －你说得对 －对吧 |
| [11:31] | Can you sprinkle some of this glitter on the top of my ass crack? | 帮我撒些亮粉在我的屁股缝上方 |
| [11:34] | – Like, just blow on it. | 吹一口气就好 |
| [11:36] | – Sure. | 没问题 |
| [11:42] | Dang, why is your breath so hot? | 要命，你吹的气好热 |
| [11:44] | Sorry. | 抱歉 |
| [11:46] | I am so happy to give you this ten-year chip. | 我很高兴给你这个戒酒１０年纪念币 |
| [11:50] | I love you. | 我爱你 |
| [11:57] | Thank you, Sarah. | 谢谢你，莎拉 |
| [11:59] | And now, last but not least, is Deborah | 请欢迎最后一位黛博拉 |
| [12:02] | to give DJ her five-year chip. | 她要给黛洁戒酒５周年纪念币 |
| [12:12] | DJ… | 黛洁 |
| [12:14] | I know sobriety has been a difficult battle for you, | 我知道戒酒对你来说是一场苦战 |
| [12:18] | and I haven’t always made it easier. | 而且我有时候会帮倒忙 |
| [12:20] | But seeing you here with your friends | 但是看到你在这里跟朋友在一起 |
| [12:24] | and seeing the progress you’ve made and the resilience you’ve shown | 目睹你过去５年的进步和展现的韧性 |
| [12:30] | over the last five years just fills my heart. | 我觉得好满足 |
| [12:34] | Oh, thank you. | 谢谢 谢谢各位 |
| [12:41] | You know, DJ’s childhood wasn’t what you’d call stable or… | 黛洁的童年称不上稳定 |
| [12:47] | normal or even lucid. | 不算正常，几乎神智不清 |
| [12:49] | You know, until she was seven, she said the kitchen was “the place where we kept the batteries.” | 她七岁前一直以为 厨房只是放电池的地方 |
| [12:55] | Every time she rode a bike, she got pulled over. | 她每次骑脚踏车都会被警察拦检 |
| [13:00] | In kindergarten, she learned her ABCs backwards | 她在幼稚园倒著学字母表 |
| [13:02] | so she could recite them to a cop. | 方便背给警察听 |
| [13:06] | No, but, seriously, we’re all really proud of DJ, | 不说笑了，我们都很以黛洁为荣 |
| [13:10] | and not just me– her whole family and all her friends, | 不只是我，还有她的家人和朋友 |
| [13:14] | like Mario Cantone. | 比方说玛利欧坎东 |
| [13:16] | Speaking of Mario, by the way, Mario Cantone is so gay… | 对了，说到玛利欧 |
| [13:18] | This guy is a total faggot… | 这家伙是个彻头彻尾的同志… |
| [13:20] | This casino-dealer mother to second grader Luna | 这位荷官是二年级小朋友璐娜的妈妈 |
| [13:23] | is not playing the odds with this outfit. | 她这套衣服绝对会通杀 |
| [13:25] | It’s Kiki Laos. | 请欢迎刘琦琦 |
| [13:41] | Hot. Hot. | 火辣 超辣 |
| [13:46] | Well, that was fun. | 真好玩 |
| [13:49] | I should be coming to these things more often. | 我应该常来这些聚会 |
| [13:51] | Are you fucking kidding me? | 你开什么玩笑？ |
| [13:53] | All you had to do was focus on me for just a few minutes, | 你只需要让我当几分钟的主角就好 |
| [13:55] | but, no, you had to go telling your shitty jokes. | 但你偏要讲你那些烂笑话 |
| [13:57] | – “Shitty”? – Mom. | －烂？ －妈妈 |
| [14:00] | I have been begging you to come to these meetings with me for years. | 我求你跟我一起参加聚会好多年了 |
| [14:04] | This place is important to me and to my healing. | 这个地方对我 和我的疗愈过程非常重要 |
| [14:07] | But, of course, the first time you show up,you just make it all about yourself. | 结果你第一次来 果然又把自己变成主角 |
| [14:10] | Well, to be fair, all the jokes were about you. | 说句公道话，笑话主角全都是你 |
| [14:12] | Oh, my God, you can’t even stop telling jokes now? | 天啊，你连现在都要说笑？ |
| [14:15] | I’m sorry.I’m sorry I didn’t do therapy good, you know, | 对不起，抱歉我不懂怎么接受治疗 |
| [14:19] | but at least I showed up. | 但至少我来了 |
| [14:20] | Well, I really wish you hadn’t. | 我还真希望你没来 |
| [14:22] | You know, I don’t need this. | 我不需要受这种气 |
| [14:23] | I came, even though this is a very important time for me. | 尽管这段时间对我很重要 我还是来了 |
| [14:26] | Well, it’s a very important time for me, too, Mom. | 妈，这段时间对我也很重要 |
| [14:28] | I’m pregnant. | 我怀孕了 |
| [14:34] | Well, I wish I wasn’t finding out like this. | 真希望我不是这样知道的 |
| [14:38] | I wasn’t supposed to tell anybody until after the anatomy scan, | 超音波检查之前，我不该告诉任何人 |
| [14:41] | because, technically, it’s a geriatric pregnancy. | 因为严格说来 |
| [14:43] | Don’t you dare say a goddamn word! | 我是高龄产妇，不准你开玩笑 |
| [14:48] | Honey, I… | 亲爱的，我… |
| [14:51] | Wow. It’s… | 哇… |
| [14:53] | Congratulations. | 恭喜你 |
| [14:54] | This is amazing.Come on, give me a hug. | 太棒了，抱一个 |
| [14:56] | – I’m not giving you a hug. | 我才不要跟你拥抱 |
| [14:59] | You know, one of the very first thoughts I had when I found out that I was having a baby was, | 你知道我发现怀孕后 第一个念头是什么吗？ |
| [15:04] | how do I protect my child from getting fucked up by you for shit like this? | 要怎么保护孩子不被你这样恶整 |
| [15:12] | I’m walking home. | 我走路回家 |
| [15:14] | Oh, come on, at least take an Uber. | 别这样，至少叫车吧 |
| [15:16] | I’m locked out of my account! | 我的帐号被锁了 |
| [15:32] | What the hell? Why doesn’t anyone here knock? | 搞什么，这里的人都不敲门吗？ |
| [15:34] | Why don’t you shut the bathroom door? | －你干吗不关厕所门？ －我不用关 |
| [15:37] | I don’t have to shut the door. It’s my room. | 这是我房间 |
| [15:38] | – Oh, I saw something. – What do you want? | 看到脏东西了 |
| [15:40] | Well, I’ll tell you what I want. | －你想干吗？ －我告诉你我想干吗 |
| [15:42] | What I want is to rip my mom a new asshole. | 我想狠狠修理我妈 |
| [15:44] | So my roast jokes are gold, | 我的吐槽笑话很精彩 |
| [15:46] | but what I’m struggling with is my catchphrase. | 但是想不出口头禅 |
| [15:50] | “Catchphrase”?Yeah, every good comedian has a catchphrase. | －口头禅？ －对啊，厉害戏剧演员都有 |
| [15:52] | Your mom doesn’t. | 你妈就没有 |
| [15:54] | Well, not anymore, but she used to say, “Put down the fork!” | 现在没有了，她以前很常说 ＂把叉子放下＂ |
| [15:57] | – Right. – So this is what I’m thinking. | －明白 －我想了一个 |
| [16:00] | Are you ready? | 准备啰 |
| [16:01] | What a cunt! | ＂好个臭婊子＂ |
| [16:06] | – That is strong. – Yeah. | －好强烈 －对啊 |
| [16:08] | Can I hear what else you’ve written? | 你还写了什么，可以听听吗？ |
| [16:10] | Yeah, yeah. Okay. | 好… |
| [16:13] | All right, my mom’s so old, her social security number is 2. | ＂我妈超老 她的社会保险号码是２＂ |
| [16:17] | What a cunt! | ＂好个臭婊子＂ |
| [16:21] | Yeah, that sounds like it came out of, like, a joke book. | 感觉好像是抄笑话大全的 |
| [16:23] | Yeah, that’s where I got it. | 确实是从那里抄来的 |
| [16:25] | – Is that not allowed? | 不可以吗？ |
| [16:26] | – Not really. | 不太行 |
| [16:29] | What if I change the number 2 to 69? | 我把２改成６９呢？ |
| [16:32] | Not really the issue. | 问题不在那里 |
| [16:34] | – 420? – Yeah, we– | －４２０？ －我们… |
| [16:35] | I don’t know any other funny numbers. | 我想不出其他好笑号码了 |
| [16:36] | It’s more so the joke-book thing. | 问题在这个笑话是抄来的 |
| [16:39] | Made me laugh. Okay. | 我觉得很好笑啊，好吧 |
| [16:41] | Oh, God, you’re going to die. This is so good. | 天哪，你听了会笑死 这个超好笑 |
| [16:44] | Okay, my mom’s always on her phone looking at real estate apps. | 我妈老是用手机看房地产 |
| [16:47] | I’m like, stop looking for houses | 我说，与其物色房子 |
| [16:49] | and start looking for a damn grave site. | 不如找块好墓地吧 |
| [16:52] | What a cunt! | 好个臭婊子 |
| [16:53] | Vicious. | 好恶毒 |
| [16:55] | She’s old. | 她很老啊 |
| [16:58] | Okay. So I’m feeling like for you, maybe one-liners is not going to be, like, necessarily the way to go. | 好吧，我觉得你可能不适合单句笑话 |
| [17:04] | What if you tried telling funny stories about your mom from, like, real-life experiences? | 不如讲一些你妈妈有趣的故事 就是真人真事 |
| [17:09] | Wait. | 等等，你的意思是 |
| [17:11] | You’re saying that the truth might hurt her more. | 实话会让她更受伤 |
| [17:14] | – Yeah. – Whatever hurts her the most. | －对 －伤得越重越好 |
| [17:18] | – Yeah. – Okay. | －对 －好喔… |
| [17:21] | Okay. You are good. | 你真行 |
| [17:23] | – Yeah, yeah. – I’m all right. | 还可以啦 |
| [17:24] | I’m pregnant. | 我怀孕了 |
| [17:25] | What? Holy shit. | 什么，我的妈呀 |
| [17:28] | – Give me a hug. – Congrats. | －来抱一个 －恭喜 |
| [17:30] | Oh, my God. Congratulations. | 天哪，恭喜你 |
| [17:33] | Oh, I’m going to be an uncle. | 我要当舅舅了 |
| [17:36] | Yeah. Oh, my God. | 好，天哪 |
| [17:38] | I’m really feeling nauseous. Do you have any plain crackers in here? | 我好想吐，你这里有苏打饼吗？ |
| [17:43] | – Yeah. – Thank you. | －有，我还真的有 －谢谢 |
| [17:45] | – Yeah, I actually do. – Yeah, yeah, could you hurry? | 可以快点拿来吗？ |
| [17:49] | Hey. So, just so you know, | 先跟你说一声 |
| [17:51] | DJ asked me to help with her roast material. | 黛洁要我帮忙改她的吐槽笑话 |
| [17:55] | Oh. How is it? | 好笑吗？ |
| [17:57] | It’s… | 这… |
| [18:01] | Have you thought about maybe having her not do it? | 你有没有想过叫她别上台？ |
| [18:04] | – Oh, God, is it that bad? – Yeah. | 天啊，那么糟吗？ |
| [18:06] | I don’t want her to embarrass herself, | 对，我不想让她丢脸 |
| [18:08] | especially if she’s pregnant. | 尤其是她又怀孕了 |
| [18:10] | Congratulations, by the way. | 对了，恭喜 |
| [18:13] | If you’re looking for a name, Ava is beautiful– | 想取名字的话 |
| [18:14] | very hot-girl vibes. | ＂艾娃＂很不错，很有辣妹感 |
| [18:18] | Okay. I’ll talk to her. | 好，我去跟她谈 |
| [18:21] | About the name? | 名字的事吗？ |
| [18:23] | About the roast. | 吐槽大会的事 |
| [18:34] | What do you want? | －干吗？ －可以进来吗？ |
| [18:36] | – May I come in? – You may not. | 不可以 |
| [18:38] | Okay. Okay, listen, I feel terrible,terrible about what happened the other night, | 那天晚上的事我很过意不去 |
| [18:42] | and I want to help you out. | 我想帮你 |
| [18:44] | I want to set you and Aidan up with round-the-clock nanny care. | 我会帮你和艾登 安排全天候的保姆服务 |
| [18:47] | I want to hire a chef who can come up with a meal plan | 雇用厨师帮你做饮食计划 |
| [18:49] | to make sure you’re getting enough folate. | 确保你摄取足够的叶酸 |
| [18:51] | And I’m going to buy some baby toys that educate but also have no sound.- Yeah. | 帮你买教育性 而且不会发出声音的婴儿玩具 |
| [18:54] | No, thank you. I don’t need anything from you. | 免了，谢谢，不用你帮我张罗 |
| [18:57] | I’m perfectly capable of handling this pregnancy on my own. | 我可以自己处理怀孕的事 |
| [19:01] | Yeah. | 我…好 |
| [19:03] | Well, look, at least let me help you out with the roast. | 至少让我帮你吐槽大会的素材 |
| [19:06] | I know from experience how stressful performing can be when you’re pregnant. | 我是过来人，知道怀孕时 上台表演压力会很大 |
| [19:10] | So I came up with an entire set for you. | 我帮你把笑话全部写好了 |
| [19:12] | All you have to do is stand up there and read it–easy peasy. | 上台照念就行，很简单 |
| [19:14] | Oh, my God! | 天啊 |
| [19:16] | This is my Cornell admissions essay all over again. | 这完全是我康乃尔大学 申请论文的翻版 |
| [19:18] | I wrote you a gorgeous essay. | 我帮你写了很优美的论文 |
| [19:20] | News flash, Mom– I’m stronger than you think, | 新闻快报 我比你想像中的强多了 |
| [19:23] | and I’m going to do the roast my way, and I’m going to crush it. | 我要用自己的方式吐槽，博得满堂彩 |
| [19:26] | And when I’m done doing my roast all over you, | 等我吐槽你之后 |
| [19:28] | they’re probably going to offer me a late-night show. | 制作单位会改找我去主持深夜秀 |
| [19:31] | I just don’t want you to get hurt. | 我只是不想你受伤 |
| [19:33] | You’re the one who’s going to get hurt when I rip you a new one. | 我吐槽完之后，受伤的人是你 |
| [19:36] | Please, please, let’s not fight. | 拜托，我不想吵架 |
| [19:38] | I just want to support you | 我只想支持你 |
| [19:41] | and my future granddaughter. | 和我未出世的外孙女 |
| [19:44] | You don’t know the gender yet. | 宝宝的性别还不知道 |
| [19:46] | Well, they say little girls steal your beauty, | 听说怀女儿的妈妈都很丑 |
| [19:49] | and your hair’s been looking a little bit thinner. | 而你的头发有点稀疏… |
| [20:01] | I was so relieved when we got Mario. | 他们请了玛利欧，真是松了口气 |
| [20:04] | I know. He’s going to bring amazing energy. | 就是啊，他会带来很棒的能量 |
| [20:06] | Oh, wait, have you seen any of DJ’s jokes? | 等等，你看了黛洁的笑话吗？ 好笑吗？ |
| [20:09] | – How are they? – No. I don’t know.She wouldn’t send them in for the prompter. | 没有，我不知道 她不肯寄给制作单位输入读稿机 |
| [20:12] | – Oh. – I know. | 我知道 |
| [20:16] | Hello. | 你好 |
| [20:17] | – Oh, hello, Ava. – What’s up? | 艾娃，你好 |
| [20:19] | Nice to see you, Ava. | 很高兴看到你，艾娃 |
| [20:22] | Don’t worry, Mom. They’re almost done with me. | 别担心，妈，我快好了 |
| [20:23] | I’m sure they’re going to need all hands on deck to finish you up. | 帮你化妆肯定需要全员出动 |
| [20:26] | Oh, make sure you contour her nose and fill in those eyebrows. | 记得帮她画鼻影 |
| [20:28] | She’s an over-tweezer. | 把眉毛补满，她拔眉毛拔得很凶 |
| [20:34] | Sorry to intrude, but I couldn’t wait to meet the Deborah Vance. | 抱歉打扰 但我等不及见见黛博拉凡斯了 |
| [20:37] | – Hi, I’m Jack Danby. – Hi. | 你好，我是杰克丹比 |
| [20:40] | Nice to meet a young man with manners. | 真是有礼貌的年轻人 |
| [20:41] | Well, it’s nice to meet a young woman with class. | 您也是很有格调的年轻女性 |
| [20:43] | Oh, please. | 少来 |
| [20:45] | And I love seeing a man who knows how to dress for these events. – Thank you. | 我也很高兴看到 懂得看场合盛装打扮的男人 |
| [20:48] | No, I’m always saying, I was born in the wrong generation. | 多谢夸奖，我总说我生错时代了 |
| [20:51] | I hate athleisure wear, and I love to drink at lunch. | 我讨厌休闲服，喜欢午餐时喝酒 |
| [20:55] | But, seriously, I can’t tell you what an honor it is to share the stage with you. | 说真的，我很荣幸能跟你同台 |
| [20:58] | You’re, like, one of my comedic idols. | 你是我的喜剧偶像，所以… |
| [21:01] | So I wanted to tell you that before I eviscerate you on national television. | 我想先说这点 晚点才在全国联播节目上吐槽你 |
| [21:04] | Oh, I appreciate that. | 多谢 |
| [21:06] | – I’ll see you out there. – Can’t wait. | －台上见 －等不及了 |
| [21:11] | Now, that… is a funny young man. | 那个年轻人真风趣 |
| [21:16] | I don’t think I’ve ever heard you call someone funny who didn’t have a chromosomal disorder. | 我只听过你说 有染色体疾病的人风趣 |
| [21:20] | Oh, don’t talk about yourself that way. | 别那样说自己 |
| [21:23] | Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready? | 各位观众，准备好了吗？ |
| [21:29] | – I said, are you ready? – All right, girl. | －我问你们准备好了没有？ －要上台了 |
| [21:31] | I have to spit out my lozenge. | 我要吐喉糖 |
| [21:34] | Damien! Damien! | 戴米恩… |
| [21:37] | Deborah Vance! | 黛博拉凡斯 |
| [21:53] | Thank you very much. | 太谢谢各位了 |
| [21:55] | Welcome. I’m Mario Cantone. | 欢迎，我是玛利欧坎东 |
| [21:58] | You know, when I was asked to be the roast master for a trailblazing icon, | 当制作单位邀我担任一位 先锋偶像的吐槽大师 |
| [22:04] | I immediately said yes. | 我一口就答应了 |
| [22:06] | But then a couple of days later,they called back and said Angela Lansbury just died, | 但是两天后他们打电话来说 安洁拉兰斯贝瑞过世了 |
| [22:10] | so never mind. | 叫我不用去了 |
| [22:13] | Anyway, we are here to celebrate Deborah Vance. | 总而言之 我们今天是来赞颂黛博拉凡斯的 |
| [22:20] | Oh, yes. | 对 |
| [22:22] | So our first comedian is the nicest guy in Hollywood, | 今天最先上台的是 好莱坞的好好先生 |
| [22:25] | which is what people say when you are pretty and you have no talent. | 大家都会这样形容虚有其表的花瓶 |
| [22:30] | Please welcome Jack Danby. | 请热烈欢迎杰克丹比 |
| [22:41] | Deborah is so old, she still calls movies the talkies. | 黛博拉超老，她还叫电影＂有声片＂ |
| [22:45] | It’s not her fault, though. | 但也不能怪她 |
| [22:46] | You don’t know what they are if you can’t get cast in them. | 没演过电影当然不知道那是什么 |
| [22:50] | Deborah, you’re an important reminder of what my future could look like… | 黛博拉，你让我看到了自己的未来 |
| [22:54] | if I don’t find a decent plastic surgeon | 如果不找个好的整形医生 |
| [22:56] | and just allow a carpenter to rebuild my face. | 让木匠乱整我的脸的话 |
| [22:59] | Deborah is so old,she remembers when Roe and Wade were still very good friends. | 黛博拉超老，她记得罗和韦德 还是好朋友的年代 |
| [23:05] | Deborah Vance is on my personal Mount Rushmore. | 在我心目中，黛博拉凡斯 有资格雕在总统山上 |
| [23:08] | And by that, I mean, I thought she died, like, 200 years ago, | 意思是我以为她２００年前就死了 |
| [23:11] | and she probably owned slaves. | 而且大概蓄奴吧 |
| [23:13] | Tell me, sis. Not today. Not me. | 承认吧，但别想奴役我 |
| [23:16] | Okay, maybe just for one night. I’ll do some light cleaning. | 好吧，就一个晚上 我愿意稍微打扫一下 |
| [23:19] | Deborah’s jokes are so cheap, | 黛博拉的笑话好廉价 |
| [23:21] | you’d think the kids in her QVC sweatshops make them. | 你会以为是她购物台 血汗工厂里的小孩做的 |
| [23:26] | Give them water! They’re working so hard! | 给他们喝点水吧，他们很辛苦 |
| [23:28] | I’ve never understood why Deborah | 我一直不懂 男同志为什么这么喜欢黛博拉 |
| [23:32] | is so huge with gay men. You are so popular with gay men. | 男同志都好喜欢你，我一直不懂 |
| [23:35] | Never got that, and then I met her, | 但后来遇见她后 |
| [23:36] | and I realized,oh, she smells like poppers, | 就恍然大悟，她身上有催情剂的味道 |
| [23:38] | and her face looks like a nut sack.There you go. | 脸又像一团睾丸，难怪啊 |
| [23:41] | Are you enjoying your evening out? | 今晚出来透气还开心吗？ |
| [23:45] | As we have all made clear tonight, | 今晚大家都说得很清楚 |
| [23:46] | Deborah Vance has made a lot of mistakes in her career. | 黛博拉凡斯在职涯中，犯过许多错误 |
| [23:50] | But I’m happy to bring up her biggest mistake of all– | 但我很荣幸介绍她最大的错误上台 |
| [23:54] | her daughter, DJ. | 她的女儿黛洁 |
| [23:57] | You may know DJ from her D’Jewelry line, | 大家也许听过她的品牌＂黛，首饰＂ |
| [24:00] | which is so ugly, she belongs in d’jail. | 那些首饰丑到她应该＂黛手铐＂才对 |
| [24:04] | Everyone, please welcome DJ Vance. | 请大家热烈欢迎黛洁凡斯 |
| [24:19] | Hi, I’m DJ Vance.My mom is here tonight… | 我是黛洁凡斯，我妈今晚在这里 |
| [24:23] | is something I could never say at a ballet recital. | 这是我在芭蕾舞公演 从来没说过的一句话 |
| [24:28] | A lot of people think my mom was a negligent, inattentive mother. | 很多人觉得我妈 是个不管孩子的失职母亲 |
| [24:36] | No, I’m just kidding. | 没有啦，开玩笑的 |
| [24:38] | My mom gave me everything I have– | 我的一切都是我母亲给的 |
| [24:40] | a house, an education, | 房子，教育 |
| [24:43] | crippling anxiety,bipolar disorder, | 严重的焦虑症，躁郁症 |
| [24:45] | multiple subpoenas. | 多张法院传票 |
| [24:48] | What a cunt! | 好个臭婊子 |
| [24:53] | You know, a lot of people don’t know this, but I was a C-section birth. | 很多人不知道，但我当初是剖腹产的 |
| [24:56] | Yeah, not for any medical reasons, | 不是因为有医疗上的需求 |
| [24:58] | but because my mom says, and I quote, | 而是因为我妈当时说 |
| [25:00] | “I’m known for my grip.” | 我的握力超强 |
| [25:04] | What a cunt! | 好个臭婊子 |
| [25:09] | Wow. Okay, I was wrong, really wrong. | 好喔，我错了，错得厉害 |
| [25:11] | You know, some of you may know this, but my mom is always collecting antiques. | 在座也许有人知道 但是我妈一直在收集古董 |
| [25:16] | I’m like, bitch, you are an antique. | 但婆娘，你自己就是古董 |
| [25:19] | What a cunt! | 好个臭婊子 |
| [25:21] | Anyway, before I go,I do just want to say one last thing to you, Mom. | 总之呢，下台前 我要再跟你说最后一件事，妈 |
| [25:26] | And I have to apologize.I know you don’t like when I get all sappy and sentimental, but… | 我得先道歉 我知道你不喜欢我谈心里事 |
| [25:31] | we’ve been through a hell of a lot together. | 我们共同经历了很多 |
| [25:33] | And I know that we don’t always say this to each other, | 我们不常跟对方说这句话 |
| [25:36] | but it’s important to me that you know that written on my heart | 但是我必须让你知道 |
| [25:37] | will always be those three little words… | 我心上永远写著三个字 |
| [25:42] | What a cunt! | 臭婊子 |
| [25:56] | Thank you so much. Thank you. | 谢谢各位，谢谢 |
| [26:01] | – You were so funny. – Stop.- You killed it. | －你好好笑，超精彩 －没有啦 |
| [26:03] | – Thank you.- I’m gonna get you a drink. – Thanks. | －谢谢 －我去帮你倒杯喝的 |
| [26:05] | DJ. | 黛洁 |
| [26:07] | – You were incredible. – Mom, that was amazing. | －你太棒了 －妈，刚刚好过瘾 |
| [26:10] | I have never experienced anything like that before.I finally get it. | 我从来没有过这种感觉，我终于懂了 |
| [26:14] | What? | 懂什么？ |
| [26:16] | Why comedy was always the most important thing to you. | 为什么你这么重视喜剧 |
| [26:19] | You know, I spent my whole life thinking you were a narcissist, | 我一直都以为你是自恋狂 |
| [26:21] | but it turns out… | 但原来… |
| [26:23] | you’re actually an addict like me. | 你是个瘾君子，跟我一样 |
| [26:25] | You’re addicted to getting laughs. | 你的瘾头是逗别人笑 |
| [26:27] | And, I mean, I can go to group to stay sober, but you can’t. | 我可以参加团体疗程戒酒，但你不行 |
| [26:30] | Your addiction is the group. | 你的瘾就是群众 |
| [26:32] | There’s no hope for you. | 你没救了 |
| [26:35] | Oh, my God, I feel so much better. | 天啊，我心里舒服多了 |
| [26:37] | Oh, good… I think. | 很好，大概吧 |
| [26:40] | Well, anyway, you were just amazing. | 总而言之，你实在好棒 |
| [26:42] | And I’m sorry I ever underestimated you. | 抱歉我低估你了 |
| [26:47] | Thank you. | 谢谢 |
| [26:48] | If you ever want me to go back to group with you–No, no, no, I’m good. | －若你还要我跟你去团体疗程… －不用了 |
| [26:52] | I’m sorry about the way I acted. | 我为我的行为向你道歉 |
| [26:54] | That’s okay. Addicts always hurt the ones they love. | 没关系，瘾君子总会伤害自己爱的人 |
| [26:59] | And it’s completely noninvasive? | －完全没有侵入性？ －没错 |
| [27:02] | Completely. You were on bed rest for two weeks. | 你明明卧床休息两周 |
| [27:04] | – Congratulations. – Thank you. | －恭喜 －谢谢 |
| [27:06] | I mean, that’s huge.And I will say, it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. | 这是大事，我得说 没人比你更适合了 |
| [27:10] | Someone funnier, yes. | 更搞笑的倒是大有人在 |
| [27:13] | What are we congratulating you on? | 你们在恭喜什么？ |
| [27:15] | A Deadline article just came out.Danny Collins is retiring, | 报导刚出来，丹尼柯林斯要退休了 |
| [27:19] | and apparently Jack is the front-runner to replace him. | 显然杰克是呼声最大的接班人选 |
| [27:24] | Is that right? | 真的吗？ |
| [27:25] | It’s just a rumor right now, so I don’t know. | 现在还只是谣传，所以我也不知道 |
| [27:28] | – What don’t you know? | 不知道什么？ |
| [27:30] | – Well… | 这个嘛… |
| [27:31] | No, no, no, no, it’s great. It’s great.You’re perfect for it. You’re generically funny. | 太棒了，你很适合主持 你搞笑得很普通 |
| [27:37] | Excuse us. | 失陪了 |
| [27:40] | I guess you don’t find him funny anymore. | 看来你不觉得他好笑了 |
| [27:41] | Smug piece of shit. | 沾沾自喜的小人 |
| [27:44] | Come on, we got work to do. | 走吧，我们要开始忙了 |
| [27:49] | Good morning. | 早安 |
| [27:51] | I thought you might want your lozenge back. | 我要把喉糖还给你 |
| [27:54] | No. God, that’s been in your hand. | 才不要，你的手摸过了 |
| [27:57] | God knows how many germs there are in that giant ecosystem. | 天晓得你的巨手上有多少细菌 |
| [28:00] | Perfect segue.I’m only here for another 86 days. | 正好接下个话题 我在这里的日子剩下８６天 |
| [28:04] | So I would love to set some boundaries for our working relationship. | 我想针对我们的合作关系 设定一些界线 |
| [28:08] | “Boundaries”? Okay.I would prefer that you use the outdoor shower. | 界线喔，好啊 我希望你能用户外淋浴间 |
| [28:11] | I’m serious, okay? This isn’t the same as before. | 我是说真的，现在跟以前不同 |
| [28:14] | I’m a co-producer now. | 我是共同制作人了 |
| [28:15] | A co-producer. | 了不起，共同制作人耶 |
| [28:20] | Oh, fine, fine. What do you want? | 好啦…你要什么？ |
| [28:23] | Well, to start, I would like you to stop handing me things | 首先，别再把嘴里的东西给我了 |
| [28:27] | that have been inside your mouth or asking me to fire people. | 或是叫我去开除别人 |
| [28:30] | Fine. Deal. | 好，一言为定 |
| [28:31] | I’m actually not done. | 我还没说完 |
| [28:33] | I want you to knock before you enter my room. | 进我的房间之前先敲门 |
| [28:35] | I want clearer-cut set work hours with overtime pay. | 我要明确的工作时间，还要加班费 |
| [28:38] | I’m not going to be writing personal material for you anymore. | 我不再帮你写私人要用的东西 |
| [28:41] | And no more jokes about my physical appearance. | 你也不能再取笑我的外表 |
| [28:44] | Yeah, nothing about my face, my hair, | 不可以取笑我的脸，头发 |
| [28:46] | you know, what I’m wearing, what I’m eating, | 我的穿著，吃的东西 |
| [28:48] | and, most importantly, the size of my hands. | 最重要的是，我手掌的尺寸 |
| [28:51] | Oh, come on, now, those are grandfathered in. | 不行，不能溯及既往吧 |
| [28:53] | I can go back to LA right now. | 我可以现在就回洛杉矶 |
| [28:57] | All right. All right. | 好吧… |
| [28:59] | I agree to your terms… | 我接受你的条件 |
| [29:01] | but on one condition.I’m not going to your bra lady for a fitting, okay? | －但我也有个条件 －我不要去找你的胸罩师试装 |
| [29:04] | My bra fits fine. | 我的胸罩很合身 |
| [29:06] | Yeah, it kind of hurts, but that’s what bras are. | 是有点痛，但胸罩本来就是这样 |
| [29:08] | No, no, no, no, no, no. | 不是… |
| [29:09] | While you’re here, you make time to work on your own stuff. | 你在这里的时候 要找时间做自己的东西 |
| [29:15] | Oh.Okay. | 好啊 |
| [29:18] | Deal.Deal. | 一言为定… |
| [29:21] | Okay, cool.So you’re doing Hoda on Monday, right? | 好，你周一要上荷达的节目吧 |
| [29:25] | Okay, so I feel like over the weekend, I could probably get some stuff together, | 我觉得我周末应该可以写一点东西 |
| [29:30] | but I think the Carrot Top stuff is, like, pretty timeless. | 但我想胡萝卜头的事很经典 |
| [29:32] | But I also kind of had the idea that maybe we bring out some of the old footage, | 但我也想说，可以播一些以前的片段 |
| [29:37] | which kind of could be major, | 效果可能很好 |
| [29:39] | just since it’s already ready and you have that video. | 因为反正录影带都有了 |
| [29:42] | And, also, I think that appeals to more of, like, a, you know, wider crowd. | 而且应该可以吸引比较广大的观众群 |
| [29:46] | That’s something that can– What’s up, Josefina?- Ava. – Yeah? | －什么事，约瑟菲娜？ －艾娃 |
| [29:48] | Do you need me to give your hair CPR? Because it is limp and lifeless. | ＂你的头发需要心肺复苏吗？ 看起来死气沉沉的＂ |
| [29:52] | Oh, my God, are you serious? | 天啊，你认真吗？ |
| [29:55] | That is not fair. | 不公平 |
| [29:57] | No workarounds. | 不可以钻漏洞 |
| [29:59] | – Also, Ava… – No. | －＂还有，艾娃＂ －不可以 |
| [30:01] | I have started the Mediterranean diet, and I am out of olive oil. | ＂我开始吃地中海饮食 但橄榄油用完了＂ |
| [30:05] | – Can I use your forehead? – Oh. | ＂可以借用你的额头吗？＂ |
| [30:08] | That’s funny. | 这个好笑 |