| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| [00:09] | Now that Hope is three, | 喜旺已经三岁了 |
| [00:11] | this is probably gonna be the first Christmas she would remember. | 这可能会成为她记忆中的第一个圣诞节 |
| [00:15] | So I worked double shift | 我加班加点 |
| [00:16] | to be able to afford everything she wanted. | 只为她想要什么 就能给她买什么 |
| [00:19] | Of course, I wasn’t just sacrificing my time. | 当然 我不仅牺牲的不只是时间 |
| [00:21] | I was sacrificing my self-respect. | 还有自尊 |
| [00:25] | *We wish you a Howdy’s Christmas* | *我们祝你圣诞豪迪* |
| [00:28] | *We wish you a Howdy’s Christmas* | *我们祝你圣诞豪迪* |
| [00:30] | *We wish you a Howdy’s Christmas* | *我们祝你圣诞豪迪* |
| [00:33] | *And a low-priced New Year* | *新年购物便宜* |
| [00:36] | I’m guessing she has a coupon or two? | 估计她有优惠券吧 |
| [00:37] | Indeed. | 的确 |
| [00:38] | I’ll take this. | 放着我来 |
| [00:40] | Sabrina, | 塞布丽娜 |
| [00:41] | extreme couponers need to be dealt with by extreme cashiers. | 优惠狂人就交给出纳狂人对付吧 |
| [00:44] | Virginia. | 维吉妮亚 |
| [00:45] | Barney. | 巴尼 |
| [00:46] | What have you got today? | 今天你要出什么招 |
| [00:47] | I have half off from the manufacturer, | 我有厂家的半价优惠 |
| [00:49] | which is stackable. | 可重叠使用 |
| [00:50] | That means she can combine it with other coupons. | 也就是可以和其他优惠券同时使用 |
| [00:52] | So, I will also be using this 20% off store coupon, | 所以我还要用上店头的八折优惠 |
| [00:56] | which I will then combine with a BOGO. | 再加上BOGO优惠 |
| [00:58] | Buy one get one free. | 也就是买一送一 |
| [00:59] | What do you need with this many dryer sheets, anyway? | 你买这么多干衣机布干嘛 |
| [00:59] | 通常和湿衣服一起投入烘干机 可消除静电 使衣物柔软清香 | |
| [01:01] | They have thousands of uses. | 用途可多了 |
| [01:03] | They’re great for getting rid of bugs. | 上可强力驱虫 |
| [01:04] | You can use them as air fresheners. | 下能清新空气 |
| [01:05] | Deodorant, napkins. | 省了除臭剂和面巾纸 |
| [01:07] | And if you’re in a pinch, you can use one as a coffee filter. | 紧急情况下 还可以做咖啡滤纸 |
| [01:10] | You’re abusing the system. | 你这是滥用优惠政策啊 |
| [01:11] | The grocery store economy is very volatile. | 小杂货店哪经得起您这么折腾哪 |
| [01:14] | I’m already one broil worm larvae outbreak in Southeast Asia | 我本是那东南亚的一只可怜小幼虫 |
| [01:17] | away from losing half my produce section, | 惨失了一半的农产品田地 |
| [01:18] | and now you’re trying to kill me in home and garden. | 你这是要在我的家园把我逼上绝路啊 |
| [01:20] | Yeah, well, I really wouldn’t worry about it | 关我啥事儿 |
| [01:22] | because the world as we know it is going to end on Friday, Barney. | 反正这周五世界末日就来了 巴尼 |
| [01:26] | So while the rest of you are fighting each other | 当你们围着被核污染的小水坑 |
| [01:28] | over a sip of water from a radioactive puddle, | 为喝上一口而大打出手时 |
| [01:31] | I will be sitting safely in my survival bunker | 我正逍遥地坐在末日掩体里 |
| [01:34] | sipping a nice, hot cup of static-free, spring-rain-scented Java. | 享用温暖美味 无静电 带春雨香气的Java |
| [01:41] | Did I not mention | 我没跟你们讲过 |
| [01:42] | my mother thinks the world is gonna end next Friday? | 我妈觉得下周五是世界末日吗 |
| [01:44] | It all started about two years ago. | 一切得从两年前说起 |
| [01:47] | And when you look at the fact that the Mayan calendar | 当你发现玛雅人的日历 |
| [01:49] | ends on December 21, 2012, | 只编到2012年12月21日时 |
| [01:52] | the only logical conclusion you can come to | 你能得出的唯一合理结论 |
| [01:55] | is that the world is going to end. | 就是世界要玩完了 |
| [01:58] | Can that be true? | 这会是真的吗 |
| [01:59] | Now, let’s take a few callers– | 我们来连线听众 |
| [02:01] | Wilfrid in Camden County. | 来自康登县的威尔福德 |
| [02:02] | What you’re saying is totally true, man. | 你说的是大实话 伙计 |
| [02:04] | I heard it on a different radio show yesterday. | 我昨天在别的电台节目里也听到了 |
| [02:06] | Oh, my God. | 天呐 |
| [02:08] | It’s true. | 是真的 |
| [02:10] | Are we all gonna die? | 我们都会死吗 |
| [02:11] | That’s my worst fear– | 这是我最害怕的 |
| [02:13] | to be here one day and gone the next. | 今天还在 明天就嗝屁了 |
| [02:15] | Like I never even existed. | 好像我从未存在过一样 |
| [02:16] | I guess this means I need to get my bucket list started. | 看来我得开始写遗愿清单了 |
| [02:20] | Bucket list? | 遗愿清单 |
| [02:21] | You’re 114 years old. | 你都114岁了 |
| [02:22] | What the hell have you been waiting for? | 还等啥呢 |
| [02:24] | Hey, I didn’t know what a bucket list was. | 我以前又不知道遗愿清单是什么 |
| [02:26] | The movie just came out. | 最近才看到了那个电影 |
| [02:28] | By the way, spoiler alert– it sucks. | 顺便剧透一下 超难看 |
| [02:31] | The good news is I found out about this now. | 好在我现在就知道了 |
| [02:33] | Now, I’ve got a plan. | 我有个计划 |
| [02:35] | The Chance family is gonna be ready for this. | 吉斯家要准备得妥妥地 |
| [02:40] | Mom was serious about us preparing, | 老妈是真的要我们做准备 |
| [02:41] | so she gave us all jobs. | 她给我们都布置了任务 |
| [02:44] | Dad was in charge of handling any looters, mutants or aliens. | 老爸负责对付所有抢匪 异形和外星人 |
| [02:47] | So he’d know how to reason with them, | 为了学会跟他们谈判 |
| [02:49] | he tried to learn some down-home psychology from Dr. Phil. | 他师从菲尔医生 想学几手接地气的心理战术 |
| [02:52] | Aw, man. | 不得了啊 |
| [02:54] | He just said, “You can lie to yourself | 他刚说 你可以自欺欺人 |
| [02:56] | and pretend you’re on a first-class flight to London, | 假装坐在飞往伦敦的头等舱 |
| [02:58] | “But everybody else knows | 但大家都知道 |
| [03:00] | you’re on a freight train to Stupid Town.” | 你是坐着货运车厢前往傻冒镇 |
| [03:02] | That should make her stop huffing paint. | 这样他们就不会假装窒息了 |
| [03:05] | And if reasoning didn’t work, | 为防止谈判无效 |
| [03:06] | dad was taking a Krav Maga class down at the community center. | 老爸参加了社区活动中心的马珈术课程 |
| [03:10] | Come on, use your extra arms. | 严肃点好吗 把其他手臂也用上 |
| [03:12] | He’s got to be prepared for anything | 他必须学会对付 |
| [03:13] | these aliens and/or mutants throw at us. | 外星人和异形的所有招数 |
| [03:19] | Kick him in the neck, Burt. | 踹他的脖子 伯特 |
| [03:20] | We have no idea where these aliens’ testicles will be. | 鬼知道外星人的蛋蛋长哪儿 |
| [03:26] | And since I was the best in the family at the game Operation, | 由于家里我最擅长手术游戏 |
| [03:29] | mom put me in charge of post-apocalyptic first aid. | 老妈让我负责末日后的急救工作 |
| [03:32] | So, hey, before you tape his stomach closed, | 那什么 你把他的肚子缝起来之前 |
| [03:34] | can you show me which one of those things is his liver? | 能告诉我这堆东西里哪个是他的肝吗 |
| [03:37] | Mom set up a survival bunker in the cellar | 老妈在地下室设了个末日掩体 |
| [03:39] | and filled it with all the things necessary to survive, | 在那儿堆满了她用令人发指的优惠手段 |
| [03:41] | which she paid for using extreme couponing. | 买来的生存必需品 |
| [03:44] | We’re gonna be billionaires if I’m right about | 如果被我说中 牙线将成为新的货币 |
| [03:46] | dental floss being the new currency. | 我们就要发大财了 |
| [03:49] | And Maw Maw was figuring out | 而奶奶在考虑 |
| [03:50] | everything she wanted to do before she died. | 死之前还有啥愿望 |
| [03:52] | Hey, Maw Maw, I found a coupon for the tattoo parlor. | 奶奶 我找到了一张纹身店的优惠券 |
| [03:55] | Wasn’t that on your bucket list? | 你遗愿清单上不是写了纹身吗 |
| [03:56] | Well, it was until this morning. | 今天早上就完成啦 |
| [04:01] | Now, all I got to do is go car-surfing, | 现在就剩滑车顶 |
| [04:04] | get in a fistfight, sleep with a black man | 找人干一架 和黑人打一炮 |
| [04:07] | and do stand-up comedy. | 还有讲单口相声了 |
| [04:10] | Stupid breadbasket. | 讨厌的胃 |
| [04:12] | Even when we had major changes in our lives, | 即便在人生发生重大变化的关头 |
| [04:14] | we were still planning for the end of the world. | 我们仍不忘为末日做准备 |
| [04:20] | Hey, Sabrina, right? | 你叫塞布丽娜 对吧 |
| [04:22] | Oh, yeah, Johnny, right? | 你叫强尼 对吧 |
| [04:25] | Uh, close enough. | 差不多吧 |
| [04:26] | Do you guys have any more Band-Aids in the back? | 创口贴还有存货吗 |
| [04:28] | I was supposed to get like 600 boxes. | 我要买600盒左右 |
| [04:31] | Planning on skinning your knees a few times, are you? | 你打算把膝盖皮撕着玩吗 |
| [04:34] | Nah, nah. | 非也非也 |
| [04:35] | We’re stocking up for the end of the world. | 我们在为世界末日囤货 |
| [04:38] | I’m sorry, what? | 不好意思 你说啥 |
| [04:40] | Dad, the cute girl at the grocery store told me | 爸 杂货店的小美女跟我说 |
| [04:43] | that all this stuff about the end of the world is a fallacy, | 这套关于世界末日的理论全是谬误 |
| [04:45] | and fallacy doesn’t mean “penis,” it means “not true.” | “谬误”的意思可不是”小弟弟” 是”骗人” |
| [04:48] | Watch it. | 小心点 |
| [04:50] | You want your mother to hear you? | 别让你老妈听见了 |
| [04:51] | Of course the world’s not gonna end. | 世界当然不会毁灭了 |
| [04:53] | You knew this? For how long? | 你知道 知道多久了 |
| [04:55] | For years– went to the library and checked it out. | 好多年了 我去图书馆查过了 |
| [04:58] | It’s all a big hoax like bigfoot or the Loch Ness monster, | 这就跟野人 尼斯水怪 水下大猩猩一样 |
| [05:02] | or the Underwater Gorilla. | 都是骗人的把戏 |
| [05:03] | Then why are we stockpiling food | 那我们干嘛还要囤粮 |
| [05:05] | and learning how to fight aliens and/or mutants? | 学习如何大战外星人和异形 |
| [05:07] | Jimmy, we got four-years worth of ice cream sandwiches in the basement. | 吉米 我们储藏室有够吃四年的冰淇淋三明治 |
| [05:10] | Plus I get to spend my weekends fake-fighting aliens. | 而且周末还可以殴打假外星人爽一把 |
| [05:13] | It’s a win-win. | 这不是双赢嘛 |
| [05:14] | I guess you’re right. | 好像有道理 |
| [05:16] | Besides Rosa’s family’s totally convinced. | 况且罗莎一家深信不疑 |
| [05:18] | We’re gonna look like jerks if we don’t at least pretend to believe. | 我们至少也得装装样子 不然也太没人性了 |
| [05:21] | And when the super volcano blows, | 大火山喷发的时候 |
| [05:23] | the entire world will be covered in ash and all of humanity will | 世界将在劫难逃 处处生灵涂炭 |
| [05:26] | be plunged into darkness and despair for thousands of years. | 所有人都将坠入黑暗深渊 万劫不复 |
| [05:30] | It’s true. | 着是真的 |
| [05:31] | Enjoy your caramel crunch. | 好好享受你的焦糖冰棒吧 |
| [05:35] | Mommy, we’re all gonna die! | 妈咪 我们都要挂啦 |
| [05:42] | So rather than have a big fight with Mom, | 所以我们没去找老妈理论 |
| [05:44] | we just humored her. | 而是对她曲意逢迎 |
| [05:45] | Look what I bought online. | 瞧我买啥了 |
| [05:47] | Turns urine into drinkable water. | 它可以将尿液净化成饮用水 |
| [05:50] | It’s used but I got a good deal. | 虽然是二手的 但没关系 |
| [05:52] | Just needs a few go-rounds in the dishwasher. | 放到洗碗机里冲几次就能用了 |
| [05:56] | Six more months and this’ll all be over. | 再忍六个月就结束了 |
| [06:11] | Nice work. | 干得漂亮 |
| [06:13] | No matter where I had testicles, that would have hurt them. | 无论外星人的蛋蛋长哪儿 你都能打中了 |
| [06:19] | Three more months and it’ll all be over. | 再忍三个月就结束了 |
| [06:21] | Drill! Evacuation drill! | 集训 撤离演习 |
| [06:24] | Sabrina, if you’re gonna become a member of this family, | 塞布丽娜 要想成为我们家的一份子 |
| [06:25] | you need a job– you’re in charge of figuring out how to | 那你就得行动起来 你现在负责解决 |
| [06:27] | cook anything that survives the initial… whatever. | 如何将浩劫后仅存的东西变为食物 |
| [06:29] | Now, everybody get out on the front lawn, | 现在 立即到大门口的草坪集合 |
| [06:30] | tuck yourselves into a little ball and hold your breath. | 一定要滚着出去 并屏住呼吸 |
| [06:32] | You should be up to three minutes by now. | 给你们三分钟时间 |
| [06:37] | One more month and this’ll all be over. | 再忍一个月就结束了 |
| [06:39] | Which brings us to today… | 终于忍到了今天 |
| [06:42] | Offer expires January fourth. | 赠券的截止日期为一月四号 |
| [06:43] | Coupon must be presented at time of purchase. | 购物时必须出示本券 |
| [06:45] | Each coupon good for a maximum of 12 boxes per customer! | 每位顾客凭本券每次最多购买十二盒产品 |
| [06:49] | Customer can use a maximum of four coupons, | 每位顾客最多只能使用四张 |
| [06:51] | which means you and Burt can only buy 96 boxes. | 这么说 你和伯特最多只能买96盒 |
| [06:54] | You need to put half these back. | 你得把另一半放回去 |
| [06:55] | Hope’s buying some of these. | 喜旺也要买点 |
| [07:04] | You’ll have to put 48 boxes back. | 那你也得把剩下的四十八盒放回去 |
| [07:06] | Jimmy, get in line. | 吉米 过来 |
| [07:09] | Three more days and it’s all over. | 再忍三天就结束了 |
| [07:12] | Sure, for everybody else. | 那当然 到时别人家连渣渣都剩不下 |
| [07:14] | For us, it’s just the beginning. | 对我们来说 则是破茧重生 |
| [07:25] | With all the craziness of preparing for the world to end, | 因为疯狂地为末日的到来做准备 |
| [07:28] | it was easy to forget that christmas was right around the corner. | 很容易就会忘记圣诞节也近在眼前了 |
| [07:31] | But I was still determined to make Hope’s | 但我决心已定 一定要让喜旺记事以来的 |
| [07:33] | first Christmas memory a special one. | 第一个圣诞节过得隆重而难忘 |
| [07:35] | And that meant explaining all the traditions to Hope, | 而我也得向喜旺好好解释下圣诞节的各种传统 |
| [07:37] | and making sure we did every last one of them. | 而且要确保这些传统我们都一一做到了 |
| [07:40] | And then he leaves presents under the Christmas tree for everyone, | 然后他就将大家的礼物放到了圣诞树下 |
| [07:44] | but especially you. | 尤其是你的那一份 |
| [07:52] | Only six more days till Christmas, | 离圣诞节只剩下六天了 |
| [07:54] | and then you get to get the big piece. | 到了那天 你就能拿到最大的那份了 |
| [07:56] | Not yet, honey. | 现在不行哦 宝贝 |
| [07:58] | We have to wait. | 要耐心等待 |
| [08:00] | Can you please stop? | 你就不能消停会儿吗 |
| [08:01] | Make me, Nancy boy. | 有种你就让我停下来 娘娘腔 |
| [08:04] | I’ve only got three things left on my bucket list, | 我的意愿清单上只剩三件事没做了 |
| [08:06] | and I need to get into a fistfight. | 而我现在需要完成的就是找人打拳击 |
| [08:09] | Maw Maw, I’m not gonna fight you, | 奶奶 我不会跟你打的 |
| [08:12] | you’re a million years old and you broke your pelvis | 你都这么一大把年纪了 |
| [08:13] | falling off the roof of that car. | 而且刚从车顶上摔下来 把盆骨都摔断了 |
| [08:15] | I’m sorry, what did you just say? | 对不起 你在说什么 |
| [08:16] | I’m not fluent in wussy. | 我听不懂娘炮语 |
| [08:21] | I’ll fight you. | 我来和你打 |
| [08:23] | You will? | 真的吗 |
| [08:24] | Oh, yeah. | 当然 |
| [08:26] | I’ve been wanting to punch you in the face | 我早就想干你的老脸一拳了 |
| [08:27] | ever since you told me I looked like Ralph Macchio in drag. | 谁叫你说我像男扮女装的小沈阳 |
| [08:33] | Let’s do this. | 来吧 |
| [08:41] | Hey, hey! Fistfight’s happening. | 啊哈 拳击大赛要上演了 |
| [08:43] | I’d be careful, Sabrina. | 当心点 塞布丽娜 |
| [08:45] | Maw Maw doesn’t always play by the rules. | 奶奶可会不按常理出牌的 |
| [08:46] | I think I’ll be all right. | 姐能搞定 |
| [09:05] | No! | 女侠饶命 |
| [09:06] | You’re gonna have to be tougher than that, | 狠起来啊 |
| [09:07] | you skinny little ralph-Macchio-looking bitch! | 你这猴不拉几的女版小沈阳 |
| [09:13] | Well, we’re all stocked up. | 好了 储备品都齐了 |
| [09:16] | Guess there’s nothing left to do but celebrate Christmas tomorrow, | 除了明天要庆祝圣诞外 已经没啥要干的了 |
| [09:18] | and then climb into our hazmat suits | 完了之后就可以钻进我们的末日掩体 |
| [09:20] | and wait for the Apocalypse. | 静候天启 |
| [09:22] | What do you mean celebrate Christmas tomorrow? | 明天庆祝圣诞是啥意思 |
| [09:24] | It’s the 20th– Christmas is the 25th. | 明天才二十号 圣诞节是二十五号 |
| [09:26] | Jimmy, by the time the 25th rolls around, | 吉米 要真等到二十五号 |
| [09:29] | Santa Claus will just be a desperate old man | 圣诞老人也只不过是一个穿红衣的绝望老头 |
| [09:31] | in a red suit peddling reindeer meat. | 沿街叫卖驯鹿肉 |
| [09:33] | We’re having Christmas tomorrow. | 我们就是要明天过圣诞 |
| [09:36] | Sounds good to me, honey. | 我觉得这主意不错 亲爱的 |
| [09:37] | Good thinking. | 你想得真周到 |
| [09:39] | All right, this has gone too far. | 得了 这事太扯了 |
| [09:40] | I am not celebrating Christmas tomorrow night. | 我可不要明晚就过圣诞 |
| [09:42] | We’ve invested two years in this. | 我们为此筹划了两年 |
| [09:44] | We’re not backing down now. | 不能临场退缩 |
| [09:46] | We’re still gonna have real Christmas. | 反正到最后还是得过真正的圣诞节的 |
| [09:48] | Consider this practice Christmas. | 就当明天是圣诞彩排好了 |
| [09:50] | We’ll all wear matching pajamas, we’ll open some gifts. | 我们穿上节日的服装 打开礼物 |
| [09:53] | It’ll make your mother happy. | 这样一来就能把你老妈哄开心了 |
| [09:54] | Fine. | 好吧 |
| [09:55] | But I’m not giving Hope her real presents until actual Christmas. | 但我要等到真的圣诞那天才送真正的礼物给喜旺 |
| [09:58] | Do whatever you want. | 随便你 |
| [09:59] | All I care is that we’re done by 8:00. | 只要八点前搞定就行 |
| [10:01] | Your mother and I have quite | 我和你妈计划好了 |
| [10:02] | the End of the World Eve Love Fest planned. | 要共享末日前夕爱之狂欢 |
| [10:04] | I’ll spare you the graphic specifics of the things | 具体我要对你妈做什么呢 |
| [10:07] | I’m gonna do to your mother. | 我才不告诉你 |
| [10:09] | It involves quite a bit of pudding. | 但我们会用到不少布丁噢 |
| [10:20] | I hope you didn’t love her for her face. | 但愿你不是因为她的小俏脸而爱她 |
| [10:22] | ‘Cause she ain’t so pretty no more. | 因为她已容颜不再 |
| [10:25] | So reluctantly, the next day we all celebrated fake Christmas | 第二天 我们不情不愿地庆祝了假圣诞 |
| [10:29] | with all of our Christmas traditions. | 传统项目一个不落 |
| [10:31] | And as it turned out, | 事实证明 |
| [10:33] | there were actually some traditions I didn’t mind doing twice. | 有些传统我并不介意再来一次 |
| [10:37] | Like opening gifts… | 比如拆礼物 |
| [10:41] | A Hundred and One Recipes for Insects. | 《昆虫的101种烹饪方法》 |
| [10:48] | Sabrina, you shouldn’t have. | 塞布丽娜 你太客气了 |
| [10:52] | You know, I just thought when we were running through | 我只是觉得 要穿过 |
| [10:54] | crowds of people whose skin was melting off, | 一大群皮肤都开始溶解的人 |
| [10:56] | this would be a nice way to keep things light. | 戴上它会轻松得多 |
| [10:58] | This is awesome! | 这礼物酷毙了 |
| [11:00] | Somebody rip a big one. | 谁来给撕个大口子 |
| [11:01] | Let’s see if this thing works. | 看这玩意管用不 |
| [11:02] | Or watching Ernest Saves Christmas three times in a row. | 或者一口气看三遍《圣诞惊魂夜》 |
| [11:10] | But there are some traditions you can only do once. | 但有些传统只能来一次 |
| [11:13] | Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? | 你们这是干什么 |
| [11:16] | You can’t eat the big chocolate until the 25th. | 大巧克力要等到25号才能吃 |
| [11:18] | It’s not the 25th. | 25号还没到呢 |
| [11:19] | Yeah, but we’re celebrating Christmas tonight, so… | 但我们不是今晚过圣诞嘛 所以… |
| [11:25] | You let her eat 21 through 24? | 你让她把从21到24号的都吃了 |
| [11:27] | Of course I did. | 那还用说 |
| [11:28] | What do we have to wait for? It’s Christmas. | 有什么好等的 都圣诞节了 |
| [11:30] | No, it’s not. It’s not Christmas. | 不 今天不是圣诞节 |
| [11:32] | Christmas is in five days, | 再过五天才是 |
| [11:33] | and that’s when we’re going to celebrate it. | 要等到那天才能过节 |
| [11:35] | I don’t want her first memories of Christmas to be weird. | 我不希望她能记得的首个圣诞就这么怪异 |
| [11:38] | She’s going to eat the proper chocolate on the proper day. | 她要在指定的日子吃指定的巧克力 |
| [11:45] | What are you doing? | 你这是干嘛 |
| [11:46] | I’m gonna get the chocolate hard, break it off my finger, | 把巧克力冻上 从手指上剥下 |
| [11:48] | and then put pieces of it back in the calendar. | 然后一片片放回日历 |
| [11:51] | Jimmy… | 吉米 |
| [11:52] | you’re being silly. | 别犯傻 |
| [11:53] | I’m being silly? | 我犯傻 |
| [11:55] | We’ve got three cases of dog food in the basement | 咱家地下室储了三箱狗粮 |
| [11:57] | labeled “Zombie bait.” | 上面写着”僵尸诱饵” |
| [11:58] | So what are you saying? | 你这是啥意思 |
| [12:00] | You don’t think something’s gonna happen tomorrow? | 你觉得明天不会出事吗 |
| [12:01] | No. No, I don’t, Mom. | 是的 我觉得不会 妈妈 |
| [12:03] | The only thing I think is gonna happen | 唯一可能发生的 |
| [12:04] | is that you’re gonna feel like an idiot | 就是你会觉得自己笨透了 |
| [12:05] | for eating 21 through 24. | 居然把21到24号的巧克力都吃了 |
| [12:07] | Because you’re crazy. | 因为你疯了 |
| [12:09] | I’m not crazy. | 我没疯 |
| [12:11] | Oh, please. | 醒醒吧 |
| [12:12] | We all think you’re crazy. | 我们都觉得你疯了 |
| [12:14] | Even Maw Maw thinks you’re crazy. | 连曾奶奶都觉得你疯了 |
| [12:16] | Burt, is that true? | 伯特 这是真的吗 |
| [12:18] | Does everybody think I’m crazy? | 大家都觉得我疯了吗 |
| [12:20] | Not I. | 不包括我 |
| [12:21] | I think you’re spot on with this whole thing. | 我觉得你从头到尾都特英明 |
| [12:23] | Really? | 真的吗 |
| [12:24] | You think that, huh? | 你真这么想 |
| [12:26] | Yes, I do. | 对 |
| [12:27] | Okay. | 好吧 |
| [12:30] | Wouldn’t even worry about Jimmy. | 别管吉米 |
| [12:32] | He’s not gonna last two weeks against the mutant spider army. | 有变异蜘蛛军在 他两周都撑不过 |
| [12:36] | Jimmy, give me that. | 吉米 给我 |
| [12:37] | What’s that? | 什么东西 |
| [12:39] | Since we’re celebrating Christmas early, | 既然要提前过圣诞 |
| [12:41] | I thought we should open up all the gifts. | 就把所有礼物都拆了吧 |
| [12:42] | Dad hid this in my room. | 老爸把这个藏我房里 |
| [12:45] | Looks like it has your name on it, Mom! | 上面好像写着你的名字呢 老妈 |
| [12:50] | Pie-of-the-Month Club? | 每月派俱乐部 |
| [12:53] | “I know you’re disappointed that the world didn’t end, | 世界末日没来 我知道你很失望 |
| [12:55] | but at least we have pie.” | 但至少我们还有派 |
| [12:58] | “Love, Burt.” | 爱你的伯特 |
| [13:08] | Three hours. | 仨小时 |
| [13:09] | You couldn’t wait three more hours? | 再等仨小时你会死啊 |
| [13:11] | And there goes my End of the World Eve Love Fest. | 我的末日前夕爱之狂欢就这么被你搅黄了 |
| [13:14] | Ah, I can’t believe I was nice enough | 真不敢相信 我居然好到 |
| [13:16] | to spare you the graphic specifics | 没给你具体描述 |
| [13:18] | of what I was gonna do to your mother. | 我要对你妈做的事 |
| [13:35] | Live with that image for the rest of your life, big mouth. | 让你多嘴 祝你一辈子忘不掉那画面 |
| [13:49] | Well, it’s ten seconds to midnight, Mom. | 还有十秒就12点了 妈妈 |
| [13:52] | Maybe we should talk. | 或许我们该谈谈 |
| [13:53] | I would hate to be mad at each other | 万一啥事都没发生 |
| [13:55] | when absolutely nothing happens. | 咱俩闹这么僵多划不来 |
| [13:57] | That’s funny, Jimmy. | 你真逗 吉米 |
| [13:58] | You’re a regular Tosh.0. | 幽默风趣 主持人的料 |
| [14:00] | Three… | 三 |
| [14:02] | two… | 二 |
| [14:03] | one. | 一 |
| [14:07] | Good night. | 晚安 |
| [14:10] | No one said it would happen exactly at midnight. | 没人说是12点准点发生 |
| [14:12] | We got 24 hours. | 还有24小时呢 |
| [14:22] | Morning. | 早上好 |
| [14:24] | Ah, another beautiful day, huh? | 又是美好一天 |
| [14:26] | Guess the Grim Reaper must’ve hit the snooze button. | 死神准是赖床了 |
| [14:29] | Shut up. | 闭嘴 |
| [14:31] | Hey, baby! | 亲爱的 |
| [14:34] | I tried your pee water thingy. | 我试过这个净水机了 |
| [14:38] | It kind of works. | 有点用 |
| [14:41] | Smart purchase. | 老婆真会买 |
| [14:55] | Oh, hi, Mr. And Mrs. Gutierrez. | 你们好 古铁雷斯夫妇 |
| [15:00] | This is not to you. | 这不是写给你们看的 |
| [15:01] | Not for you. | 不是的哟 |
| [15:07] | Kim Kardashian hasn’t tweeted all day. | 金·卡戴珊一整天都没发微博 |
| [15:10] | The government obviously has all the important celebrities | 显然政府让所有名流 |
| [15:13] | hidden in an underground bunker. | 都躲进地洞了 |
| [15:16] | Oh, wait, never mind. | 等下 当我没说 |
| [15:18] | She was just getting a colonic. | 她只是去灌肠了 |
| [15:28] | Thanks. | 谢谢 |
| [15:45] | Mom! Mom, Mom, Mom! | 老妈 老妈老妈老妈 |
| [15:48] | Everything’s fine. | 啥事没有 |
| [16:00] | Guys. Guys! Guys! | 各位 快来 快来 |
| [16:08] | Those marshmallows are not toys, okay? | 这些棉花糖不是给你玩的 |
| [16:10] | They’re only to be used as possum bait | 它们是负鼠诱饵好吗 |
| [16:13] | or for celebrating the victory of the surviving humans | 最多也就是做成夹心饼干来庆祝人类 |
| [16:15] | over the mutant aliens with S’mores, okay? | 战胜异形 劫后余生 |
| [16:18] | Damn it! | 该死 |
| [16:27] | So, nothing happened. | 什么都没发生 |
| [16:28] | It’s not the end of the world. | 世界没有毁灭 |
| [16:30] | I can’t believe this. This totally sucks. | 不敢相信 真是糟透了 |
| [16:33] | Look, I know you planned for this to happen and everything, | 我知道你为这一天做足了准备 |
| [16:37] | but aren’t you the tiniest bit glad the world isn’t over? | 但世界没有毁灭 你就没有一丁点高兴吗 |
| [16:40] | No, I’m not. | 没有 一点都没有 |
| [16:42] | This was supposed to be my moment, Burt. | 我本来可以大展身手的 伯特 |
| [16:45] | I was finally going to show Jimmy | 我本来可以让吉米知道 |
| [16:46] | that I could be a good mom. | 我也能做个好妈妈 |
| [16:48] | Jimmy thinks you’re a good mom. | 吉米本来就觉得你是好妈妈 |
| [16:50] | Oh, please. | 得了吧 |
| [16:51] | Every week he dredges up some parenting disaster from our past. | 他每周都要挖掘点咱育儿无方的罪证 |
| [16:55] | How I didn’t breastfeed him, | 什么我没用母乳喂他啦 |
| [16:57] | how his first steps were down a flight of stairs, | 什么他迈出第一步就跌下楼梯啦 |
| [16:59] | how we forget him that time at a Whitesnake concert. | 什么在白蛇演唱会扔下他自己回来啦 |
| [17:02] | Oh, come on. | 拜托 |
| [17:03] | What nine-year-old gets to say | 他一九岁小孩在巡演车上 |
| [17:04] | they spent a week on the Whitesnake tour bus? | 跟白蛇乐队共度了一周 还有啥不满意的 |
| [17:07] | I just thought that he would look at me as a good mom, | 我只是觉得 如果四分之三的人类灭亡 |
| [17:10] | if three-quarters of the human population was wiped out | 我却做到有备无患 |
| [17:12] | and I was prepared. | 就能在他心中成为一个好妈妈 |
| [17:22] | Just for the record, | 我得先说好了啊 |
| [17:24] | her pelvis was broken before I got here. | 我来之前她骨盆就裂了 |
| [17:39] | You got me dryer sheets. | 你送我干衣机布啊 |
| [17:41] | Get used to it. | 适应吧 |
| [17:42] | You’re getting them for the next 374 years. | 接下来374年都是这礼物 |
| [17:50] | Ai, thank God you’re here. | 谢天谢地你们在家 |
| [17:52] | Oh, my God. What happened to you? | 上帝啊 你们怎么啦 |
| [17:54] | Since the world was going to end, we sold everything | 由于世界要毁灭了 我们变卖了全部家当 |
| [17:57] | and bought one-way first class tickets to Disney World, | 买了去迪士尼乐园的头等舱单程票 |
| [18:00] | so we could watch the end of civilization from Tomorrowland. | 打算在”未来世界”目睹人类文明的终结 |
| [18:03] | We thought it would be ironic. | 我们本想讽刺一把的 |
| [18:05] | But then, when nothing happened, | 结果啥都没发生 |
| [18:06] | we had no money, and no way to get back. | 但我们已身无分文 回家无门 |
| [18:08] | And it’s hard to get picked up hitchhiking with an alpaca. | 带着草泥马搭车都很难 |
| [18:14] | What was that? | 这是干嘛 |
| [18:15] | He tried to spit at you, but he’s dehydrated. | 它想朝你吐口水 但它已经脱水了 |
| [18:18] | What are we going to do? | 我们该怎么办 |
| [18:19] | Carlos sold his ice cream truck, | 卡洛斯把冰淇淋车卖了 |
| [18:20] | I quit my job, we spent all our money, | 我把工作辞了 咱的钱都花光了 |
| [18:22] | and all we have to show for it is feet full of blisters | 现在咱就剩一脚水泡 |
| [18:25] | and a souvenir mug we’ve been using as a toilet. | 和当马桶用的纪念品杯子了 |
| [18:28] | Jimmy, go get your first-aid kit. | 吉米 把急救箱拿来 |
| [18:29] | I’ll get you guys some water. | 我给你们倒水 |
| [18:30] | Burt, calm her down. | 伯特 你负责安抚情绪 |
| [18:33] | You are gonna be okay. | 不会有事的 |
| [18:36] | You’re worried that you won’t come back from this? | 你担心会永世不得翻身吗 |
| [18:40] | I’m here to assure you | 我向你们保证 |
| [18:42] | that dog don’t hunt! | 不会这样的 |
| [18:44] | What is he talking about? | 他说啥呢 |
| [18:47] | I don’t know. | 不知道 |
| [18:48] | But it’s very folksy and comforting. | 但听着挺友好挺令人安慰 |
| [18:53] | Without even really thinking about it we all sprang into action. | 我们没有多想就行动起来了 |
| [19:02] | Dad found someone who didn’t mind using recycled water. | 老爸找到了不介意喝循环水的家伙 |
| [19:09] | Why are you recycling his pee? | 你干嘛循环它的尿 |
| [19:11] | You could just give him water from the tap. | 从水龙头接水不就行了 |
| [19:13] | We’re settling an old score. | 我这是秋后算账呢 |
| [19:15] | Isn’t that right, buddy? | 是不是 兄弟 |
| [19:18] | Damn it. | 该死 |
| [19:19] | Wacky Mexican pony, two; Burt, zero. | 墨西哥怪马 两分 伯特 零分 |
| [19:29] | With so many people in the house, | 家里这么多人 |
| [19:30] | we had to figure out creative ways | 我们得想些花样 |
| [19:31] | to be able to afford to feed everyone. | 让大家都有饭吃 |
| [19:33] | I hope everybody enjoys this. | 希望大家喜欢 |
| [19:36] | It’s glowworm tetrazzini. | 这是萤火虫意大利面 |
| [19:37] | And if I cooked it right, | 如果我烹饪得当 |
| [19:38] | there should still be a little glow left. | 应该还有残留的荧光 |
| [19:44] | We let Rosa and her family | 我们让罗莎一家 |
| [19:45] | move into the survival bunker we weren’t using | 搬进了闲置的末日掩体 |
| [19:47] | until they were back on their feet. | 他们可以一直待到东山再起 |
| [19:53] | It took a while, | 虽然花了些时间 |
| [19:54] | but Mom sold all the stuff she’d been stockpiling, | 但老妈还是卖掉了全部囤货 |
| [19:55] | and used the money to help Carlos buy back his ice cream truck. | 并用这钱帮卡洛斯赎回了冰淇淋车 |
| [20:02] | And before we knew it, | 等我们回过神来 |
| [20:02] | Rosa’s family was back in business. | 罗莎一家已经重新做起了生意 |
| [20:05] | It turns out Mom did have us all prepared | 事实证明老妈确实让我们 |
| [20:07] | to deal with a disaster. | 做好了应对灾难的准备 |
| [20:08] | The disaster just turned out to be someone else’s. | 只不过灾难降临在了别人头上 |
| [20:12] | I gotta say, Mom… | 我得说 妈妈 |
| [20:13] | maybe you’re not as crazy as I thought. | 你或许没我想的那么疯狂 |
| [20:16] | Why, ’cause Rosa’s crazier? | 为啥 因为罗莎更疯狂吗 |
| [20:18] | The world still didn’t end, Jimmy. | 世界还是没有毁灭 吉米 |
| [20:20] | I’m not gonna start patting myself on the back | 我可不会因为罗莎比我更蠢 |
| [20:22] | ’cause Rosa’s a bigger idiot than I am. | 就暗自庆幸 |
| [20:24] | Sure, the world didn’t end, | 的确 世界没有毁灭 |
| [20:25] | but when you thought it was going to, | 但你以为世界要毁灭时 |
| [20:27] | you didn’t blow everything to have fun, like Rosa did. | 没有像罗莎那样抛下一切 及时行乐 |
| [20:30] | You made sure your family was protected. | 而是确保了全家人的安全 |
| [20:32] | That’s pretty cool. | 挺了不起的 |
| [20:34] | That is pretty cool. | 了不起哟 |
| [20:37] | Hey, where’s Maw Maw? | 奶奶去哪儿了 |
| [20:39] | I don’t know. | 不知道 |
| [20:40] | She said she had something to do. | 她说她有事情要做 |
| [20:44] | If you ever voted for a president whose picture’s on money, | 如果你曾为钞票上的总统投过票 |
| [20:49] | you might be an old person. | 说明你可能已经老了 |
| [20:51] | If the expiration date on your can of peaches has Roman numerals on it? | 如果你吃的桃子罐头保质期是用罗马数字写的 |
| [20:58] | You might be an old person. | 说明你可能已经老了 |
| [21:00] | You ever had a three-way with Lewis and Clark, | 如果你跟路易斯和克拉克搞过3P |
| [21:03] | might be an old person. | 说明你可能已经老了 |
| [21:06] | If you throw away your change purse | 如果你不再用零钱包 |
| [21:08] | and start keeping your quarters in your elbow, | 而是在袖管里放硬币 |
| [21:11] | you might be an old person. | 说明你可能已经老了 |
| [21:13] | If you ever bought or sold a human being… | 如果你曾经历过奴隶买卖 |
| [21:18] | You might be an old person. | 说明你可能已经老了 |
| [21:22] | You might be an old person. | 你可能已经老了 |