| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| [00:02] | So I was looking for my pocket pool game in the closet | 我在衣柜里找《狂野口袋撞球》游戏碟时 |
| [00:04] | and I found this. | 找到了这个 |
| [00:05] | And I don’t know what game it is, | 不知道这是什么游戏机 |
| [00:07] | but it kind of smells like pee. | 但闻上去有一股小便味儿 |
| [00:08] | That’s ’cause I peed on it. | 那是因为姐嘘在上面了 |
| [00:10] | Why would you pee on a video game? | 你为啥要在游戏机上嘘嘘 |
| [00:12] | Jimmy, it’s not a video game. | 吉米 这不是游戏机 |
| [00:15] | This is my ovulation kit. | 这是我的排卵期测试器 |
| [00:17] | I used to use it with Wyatt, so I could make extra sure | 我和怀特在一起时用的 这样就能双重保证 |
| [00:20] | I wouldn’t get pregnant. | 我不会怀孕 |
| [00:21] | So… why do you still have it? | 那你现在还留着这个干吗 |
| [00:23] | Because the pharmacy has a very firm | 因为药店方面的态度很坚决 |
| [00:24] | “Once peed on, no return” policy. | 一经嘘 不退货 |
| [00:26] | But you’re not still using it, right? | 那你现在没在用了是吧 |
| [00:28] | No, no, no. Of course not. | 没有 当然没用了 |
| [00:29] | I feel like, if we got accidentally pregnant, | 我觉得 如果咱意外怀孕了 |
| [00:31] | that’d be great, right? | 那也挺好的 对吧 |
| [00:32] | Why would it have to be accidentally? | 为什么非得是意外怀孕 |
| [00:36] | Are you saying what I think you’re saying? | 你说的话跟我脑子里认为的意思一样吗 |
| [00:37] | I’m not… not saying what you think I’m saying. | 不 不一样 |
| [00:40] | Well, I’m not not loving what I’m hearing. | 我不讨厌我听到的话 |
| [00:43] | I’m not sure that I’m following | 我不确定我搞懂了 |
| [00:44] | what you’re not not loving. | 你不讨厌听到的话是指什么 |
| [00:46] | I’m loving the idea of having a baby. | 我喜欢这个再生个宝宝的主意 |
| [00:49] | Me, too. | 我也是 |
| [00:50] | Let’s not not do this thing. | 我们不要不做这件事儿吧 |
| [00:52] | Uh, now… | 现在 |
| [00:54] | which end of this thing do I pee on? | 我应该嘘嘘在哪一面 |
| [00:56] | Yuck. | 呸 |
| [01:07] | Aw, you guys can’t eat all this junk. | 你们不能把这些垃圾食品全给吃了啊 |
| [01:09] | It’ll kill you. | 太不健康了 |
| [01:10] | We need the energy. | 我们需要热量 |
| [01:11] | It’s planting season, | 现在已经到了播种的季节 |
| [01:13] | and I’m laying down fertilizer ten hours a day. | 我一天要施十小时肥 |
| [01:14] | Planting season means all the part-time maids are | 播种季意味着所有的兼职女佣 |
| [01:16] | taking off for higher paying farm work, | 都会去做薪水更高的农活 |
| [01:18] | so I’m working double shifts. | 所以我一天得轮两班 |
| [01:19] | This is all that gets us through the day. | 这些食物能支撑我们干活 |
| [01:21] | The energy drinks they sell in stores | 店里的能量饮料不够霸道 |
| [01:22] | aren’t strong enough, so we make our own. | 所以我们只好自制了 |
| [01:25] | We call them cola-chinos. | 我们管这叫可乐奇诺 |
| [01:29] | I know it sounds kind of gross, but with a little sugar, | 我知道这听起来有点恶心 但是加点糖 |
| [01:32] | tastes kind of good. | 味道还不错 |
| [01:41] | Since the news told us | 自从看新闻上说 |
| [01:42] | energy bars are really just candy bars | 能量条不过是些包装精美的糖果棒后 |
| [01:44] | in fancy wrappers, we came up with our own idea. | 我们也想出了新点子 |
| [01:47] | The sugar-burger– really gives us the extra pep | 糖汉堡 这真能给我们提供 |
| [01:49] | we need to get through the day. | 支撑一天的能量 |
| [01:54] | My skin is electric! | 老子皮肤都充满电了 |
| [02:07] | Unfortunately, if you don’t keep eating it, | 不幸的是 如果不一直吃的话 |
| [02:09] | you crash pretty hard. | 就很容易崩溃 |
| [02:17] | You’re stress eating. | 你们这是暴饮暴食 |
| [02:18] | What you need is to get away and relax. | 你们需要出去放松放松 |
| [02:20] | We could never afford to do that. | 我们可没钱放松 |
| [02:22] | I’m going on a retreat this weekend. | 我周末要去参加一个招待宴 |
| [02:24] | It’s all-you-can-eat-and-drink, has beautiful scenery, | 名叫”能吃能喝” 风景优美 |
| [02:27] | and it’s free. | 而且不用花钱 |
| [02:28] | What’s the catch? | 有何亮点 |
| [02:29] | No catch. All you have to do is sit through a short presentation. | 没啥亮点 你只需要在展示时坐着就好了 |
| [02:32] | We love those! | 我俩爱这种好事儿 |
| [02:34] | We’ve fallen for several pyramid schemes. | 我们上过几次传销的当 |
| [02:36] | Plus, we had a fun two months as Scientologists. | 而且我们还当过整整两个月的山达基教徒 |
| [02:39] | I don’t know. I think… | 我说不好 我觉得 |
| [02:44] | Sorry, my pancreas seized up. | 抱歉 我胰腺炎发作了[暴食导致胰腺炎] |
| [02:47] | I should probably go to urgent care, | 我好像应该去看急诊 |
| [02:49] | but your vacation sounds more fun. | 但你的假期计划听起来更有趣 |
| [02:55] | Hope is down for her nap, so let the baby-making begin. | 喜旺去睡午觉了 我们开始造人计划吧 |
| [02:59] | Here, drink this. | 来 喝了它 |
| [03:01] | It’s called conceivabili-tea. | 这叫好孕茶 |
| [03:06] | Oh, God, that’s awful. | 天哪 这味道真恶心 |
| [03:08] | Why are we drinking this stuff? | 我们干啥要喝这个 |
| [03:10] | It’s supposed to activate all of our fertility channels. | 这能激活我们的生殖系统 |
| [03:12] | Why don’t we just get drunk and do it | 我们为啥不直接喝个大醉酩酊 |
| [03:13] | in the back of the car? | 接着在车后座翻云覆雨 |
| [03:14] | That’s how everybody I know gets pregnant. | 我认识的人都是这么怀上的 |
| [03:15] | I’m ovulating right now. | 我现在正在排卵期 |
| [03:17] | We only have 72 hours to make this baby, | 我们只有72小时来造人 |
| [03:19] | and I-I want to do it right. | 我想立马开始 |
| [03:20] | So does that still involve me and sex? | 那这还关我和性爱的事儿吗 |
| [03:26] | Maw Maw? | 曾奶奶 |
| [03:27] | What are you doing here? | 你来干嘛 |
| [03:28] | It’s all in the note. | 纸条上都写清楚了 |
| [03:32] | Jimmy… | 吉米 |
| [03:34] | We… knew… | 我们知道 |
| [03:36] | you…wouldn’t… | 你不能 |
| [03:41] | Hey, let me see that. | 让我来看吧 |
| [03:43] | Jimmy, we knew you wouldn’t say yes to this, | 吉米 我们知道你不会同意 |
| [03:44] | but we need you to watch Maw Maw for a few days | 但我们需要你帮忙照看奶奶几天 |
| [03:46] | while we go on a relaxing vacation. | 因为我们要去度个放松假 |
| [03:48] | You can say no, but she will surely die, | 你可以拒绝 但她肯定会死的 |
| [03:49] | and it will be all your fault. | 那就是你的责任了 |
| [03:51] | Your parents just ditched us with Maw Maw. | 你爹妈把曾奶奶丢给咱们了 |
| [03:52] | Don’t act like I’m such a burden. | 别搞得好像我是个负担似的 |
| [03:55] | I may be old, but I can take care of myself. | 奶奶虽老 尚能饭也 |
| [04:01] | Well, if Maw Maw’s gonna be here, | 如果曾奶奶要呆在这儿 |
| [04:03] | maybe we should just wait until next week | 那我们就得等到下周 |
| [04:04] | to start the whole baby thing. | 再进行造人计划了 |
| [04:06] | No, Jimmy! | 不要 吉米 |
| [04:07] | Look, if we don’t get pregnant in the next three days, | 如果我们三天之内不能怀上的话 |
| [04:09] | then we got to wait another year. | 就要再等一年 |
| [04:10] | My lady eggs are all dressed up | 我的卵子们已经梳妆打扮完毕 |
| [04:12] | and ready to go to the ball right now. | 只待精子前来邀约了 |
| [04:13] | A year? | 一年 |
| [04:14] | I thought your eggs hatched every month. Well… | 我以为你是每月都会排卵的 |
| [04:17] | The female body is such a mystery to me. | 女人的身体男人还真别猜 |
| [04:19] | I know it is, Jimmy. | 我懂你 吉米 |
| [04:20] | I can’t open any of these cabinets. | 这些柜子我怎么都打不开 |
| [04:22] | That’s ’cause they’re child-proofed. | 因为它们都加了儿童防护锁 |
| [04:24] | If we get pregnant now, | 如果我现在怀孕 |
| [04:26] | then our baby will be born in November. | 那我们的宝宝就会在11月出生 |
| [04:28] | Just trust me ’cause I’ve looked at a calendar. | 信我吧 我看了日历的 |
| [04:30] | There have been countless studies | 无数的研究表明 |
| [04:32] | that show that all of the most successful babies | 所有成功的宝宝 |
| [04:33] | have been born in November. | 都是在11月出生的 |
| [04:35] | Because they’re the oldest in their class. | 因为他们将会是班级中年龄最大的小孩 |
| [04:37] | One reason I support your theory | 我之所以支持你的理论 |
| [04:39] | is that it means we can have sex right now. | 是因为这意味我们现在就能去滚床单了 |
| [04:42] | This house sucks! | 这房子真是神烦 |
| [04:43] | Maybe we should just go do this at your parents’ house. | 不然我们还是去你爹妈家做吧 |
| [04:46] | We might be better off | 在曾奶奶自己的地盘上 |
| [04:47] | dealing with Maw Maw on her own turf. | 控制她应该会轻松一些 |
| [04:48] | It’ll be fine. | 没关系的 |
| [04:51] | Apparently you two rocket scientists insist on | 显然你们这俩火箭科学家坚持要在 |
| [04:53] | child-proofing your toilet, | 厕所里也加上儿童防护措施 |
| [04:55] | so you’re going to need to buy a new hamper. | 所以你们得去买个新篮子了 |
| [05:00] | This place is so luxurious. | 这地方真奢华 |
| [05:01] | I just got back from the bathroom; | 我刚从洗手间回来 |
| [05:02] | the stalls are huge. | 位置可真宽敞 |
| [05:04] | I can finally do my business starfish-style. | 我大号时 都可以张开四肢摆成海星了 |
| [05:06] | I love these big comfy chairs. | 我喜欢这些宽大的沙发椅 |
| [05:08] | Feel like I’m on Oprah. | 感觉好像在奥普拉秀上[脱口秀主持人] |
| [05:11] | Ladies and gentlemen, | 女士们先生们 |
| [05:13] | I’m Shelby Hornsby, founder of Handles. | 我是谢尔比·霍恩斯比 肥肉自控会创始人 |
| [05:16] | And yes, I used to have them. | 是的 我曾经也满身肥肉 |
| [05:20] | Until those handles opened a door | 直到它们为我打开一扇门 |
| [05:23] | that led me to a healthy lifestyle. | 让我走向了新生活 |
| [05:24] | Oh, my God, Burt, everyone here is huge. | 天哪 伯特 每个人体型都够肿的 |
| [05:27] | Barney brought us to a fat camp. | 巴尼带我们来的这是减肥夏令营 |
| [05:31] | …just like it was for one of | 这是我们所有从超大到超小的 |
| [05:33] | our biggest and now littlest success stories: | 成功故事中的一名 |
| [05:38] | Barney Hughes! | 巴尼·休斯 |
| [05:44] | You may not believe it, but this tight set of buns | 你也许难以相信 但这紧致的臀部 |
| [05:47] | was once able to fill out these. | 曾经将这条裤子撑得满满的 |
| [05:51] | And recently, I helped two other people achieve | 最近 我帮助了两个人 |
| [05:53] | the same amazing results. | 达到了同样惊人的效果 |
| [05:58] | That’s us. | 那是咱俩 |
| [05:59] | He computerized us into fat people. | 他把我们P成胖子了 |
| [06:01] | And there’s the catch. | 这就是亮点所在 |
| [06:02] | Virginia and Burt Chance, stand up and take a bow. | 吉斯夫妇 请你们站起来鞠个躬 |
| [06:05] | Two things you couldn’t do six months ago. | 这两件事半年前你俩还做不了呢 |
| [06:17] | Oh, thank you, | 谢谢你们 |
| [06:18] | but Virginia and Burt are the real heroes. | 但维吉妮亚和伯特才是真英雄 |
| [06:21] | Barney… | 巴尼 |
| [06:22] | what the hell’s going on? | 你这是在唱哪出 |
| [06:24] | Why’d you lie about us being fat? | 为什么要撒谎说我俩曾经是胖子 |
| [06:26] | I’m sorry I lied, | 抱歉我撒谎了 |
| [06:27] | but I needed to tell people that I inspired you to lose weight, | 但我需要告诉大家 是我激励了你们去减肥 |
| [06:29] | so I could get my pants on | 这样我才能把自己的裤子 |
| [06:30] | the Wall of Quadruple Excellence. | 挂到超超超超大号裤子成就墙上去 |
| [06:32] | The what? | 超啥 |
| [06:35] | Oh, my God. I thought those were kites. | 我的天哪 我还以为这些是风筝呢 |
| [06:38] | It’s where Handles honors their most inspirational alumni. | 这是自控会纪念那些最能激励人心的会友的地方 |
| [06:41] | And it’s always been my dream to be up there, | 我的梦想就是登上这面墙 |
| [06:42] | but I’ve never been able to inspire anybody. | 但我还从没成功地激励过任何人 |
| [06:44] | That’s not true, Barney. | 这话可不太对啊 巴尼 |
| [06:45] | Whenever I’m having a hard day, I think, “Look at Barney. | 不管何时我遇到困难都会想 看看人巴尼 |
| [06:49] | “Dead-end job, no wife, bleak future, | 破工作 没老婆 无希望 |
| [06:53] | and that poor bastard always has a smile on his face. | 但那个可怜蛋还成天脸上挂着笑 |
| [06:55] | What do I have to complain about?” | 哥哥我还有什么好抱怨的 |
| [06:57] | Thanks, Burt. | 谢谢你 伯特 |
| [06:59] | So will you help me? | 那你们会帮我吗 |
| [07:00] | I don’t know. I don’t want to give all these campers | 我没想好 我不想给这些胖会员们错误的期待 |
| [07:02] | false hope that they can have all this. | 让他们以为可以变成我们这样 |
| [07:04] | I mean, it’s taken years of cigarettes, being poor | 这小身板可是经长年香烟熏陶 贫困折磨 |
| [07:08] | and manual labor to achieve these hot bods. | 重体力活才变得如此火辣的 |
| [07:10] | Hey, excuse me. | 打扰一下 |
| [07:11] | We’ve been coming here for years, | 我们已经入会好几年了 |
| [07:13] | and for the first time we were able to see | 这是我们第一次亲眼看到 |
| [07:14] | your amazing results firsthand. | 你们有这么出色的成就 |
| [07:16] | Because of you, | 因为你们 |
| [07:17] | we’re gonna stop living a lie. | 我们决定不再欺骗自己 |
| [07:34] | I don’t know, Virginia. | 我说不好 维吉妮亚 |
| [07:36] | It might be kind of cool. | 感觉这还挺有意思的 |
| [07:37] | We could be fake inspirations to people, like Lance Armstrong. | 我们能为人们造成虚假激励 就像阿姆斯特朗 |
| [07:40] | Anyone with the confidence | 任何只有一个蛋 |
| [07:40] | 兰斯·阿姆斯特朗 患有癌症 在环法自行车大赛中服用兴奋剂 | |
| [07:41] | to wear biker shorts with one ball is okay with me. | 还有勇气穿上自行车小短裤的人都值得我尊重 |
| [07:44] | Okay, Barney, we’re in. | 好吧巴尼 我们帮你 |
| [07:48] | Okay, so I’ve lit the candles, classical music is playing. | 我点了蜡烛也放了古典音乐 |
| [07:51] | Now, can you please explain to me | 那现在你能告诉我 |
| [07:53] | why you’re standing on your hands? | 你为啥要倒立了吗 |
| [07:55] | Well, I read on several online baby blogs | 我在网上育儿博客里看到 |
| [07:58] | that this helps get the smartest eggs in the, uh, prime position. | 倒立能让优质卵子跑到优先位置上去 |
| [08:01] | If you could maybe just help me over to the bed. | 要是你能过来帮我移到床上就更好了 |
| [08:19] | You okay? | 你还好吗 |
| [08:20] | That’s all right, I’m okay, just maybe… | 还行 我还好 只是 |
| [08:22] | let’s just close our eyes | 闭上眼睛吧 |
| [08:24] | and just think of something really beautiful, huh? | 想象美好的事物 好吗 |
| [08:26] | – What do you see? – Maw Maw. | -你看到什么了 -曾奶奶 |
| [08:29] | Whatever works for you, Jimmy, that’s fine. | 只要你觉得她美好就行 吉米 我不介意 |
| [08:30] | Maw Maw’s here watching us. | 曾奶奶在你背后 盯着我们 |
| [08:33] | Oh, God. | 我的天呐 |
| [08:34] | It’s not dinner and a show unless the show actually starts. | 除非这秀真正上演了 不然还算不上场晚餐秀呢 |
| [08:38] | Hey, isn’t it bedtime, Maw Maw? | 这点不是该睡觉了吗 曾奶奶 |
| [08:40] | No, it’s pickle-time. | 不 现在该吃腌黄瓜 |
| [08:42] | You’ve been out of the house for too long. | 你们离开这个家太久了 |
| [08:44] | Damn, I totally forgot about pickle-time. | 干 我完全不记得有腌黄瓜时间这码事儿了 |
| [08:46] | She sleeps all day and when she wakes up, she eats pickles | 她整天都睡觉 然后等醒来后就吃腌黄瓜 |
| [08:49] | for three hours and annoys the hell out of everyone else. | 吃上整整三小时 顺便把所有人烦上三小时 |
| [08:51] | That’s the plan. | 老娘计划正是如此 |
| [08:55] | I know it’s not perfect. | 我知道这地方不完美 |
| [08:57] | Maybe we should just start where we left off, huh? | 不然我们就干脆从被打断那里继续吧 |
| [09:00] | Okay, so deep breaths. | 深呼吸 |
| [09:05] | Why does the bathroom smell like pickles? | 为啥这洗手间闻起来像腌黄瓜 |
| [09:10] | How does she do that? | 她是怎么做到的 |
| [09:11] | A magician never reveals her tricks. | 一个好魔术师从不揭秘自己的魔术 |
| [09:14] | Also, I have no idea how I got here. | 何况我也不知道自己咋进来的 |
| [09:21] | Boy, shaking hands and looking thin | 不停握手 再加上比别人瘦 |
| [09:23] | really works up an appetite. | 真能让人食欲大振啊 |
| [09:24] | I know. I’ve been hungry since the morning weigh-in. | 我懂 自从早上称完体重后 我就饿了 |
| [09:26] | I’ve never seen a scale with a seat before. | 我以前还从没见过带座椅的体重秤呢 |
| [09:28] | All right, guys, remember, everyone’s gonna be watching | 大伙儿们 记住 每个人都盯着你 |
| [09:31] | to see what you’re eating, so don’t go crazy. | 不要暴饮暴食 |
| [09:33] | Got it. Small portions. | 懂了 吃小份量就好 |
| [09:35] | Thin slice of pie, nothing a la mode. | 小片薄底馅饼 不加冰激凌 |
| [09:38] | So, this is the salad bar. | 那么这就是沙拉吧 |
| [09:39] | Where’s the rest of the all-you-can-eat buffet? | 那其他”能吃能喝”的食物呢 |
| [09:41] | It’s an all-you-should-eat buffet. | 这是”只能吃这么多”食物 |
| [09:42] | All the food options are healthy, and the plates | 所有的食物都是健康的 |
| [09:44] | are specially designed for portion control. | 盘子也为控制食量有特别设计 |
| [09:47] | So it’s crappy food that we only get a little of? | 也就是说 我们就能吃一点这些破烂食物 |
| [09:49] | Barney, this isn’t food. | 巴尼 这连食物都算不上 |
| [09:51] | This is the food they feed to your food before they feed it to you. | 这是喂给你食物的食物 |
| [09:54] | Guys, please. | 拜托 |
| [09:55] | Everyone’s watching. | 大家都看着呢 |
| [09:56] | You’re the “Afters” to all their “Befores.” | 你们就是减肥后的他们 |
| [09:59] | At this place, you’re the heroes. | 在这个地方 你们就是英雄 |
| [10:00] | I don’t know, Barney. | 我说不好 巴尼 |
| [10:02] | I mean, yes, we’re the only ones here | 对 我们就是这里唯一 |
| [10:03] | who would look good in tights, | 穿紧身衣好看的人 |
| [10:04] | but that doesn’t make us heroes. | 但这并不意味着我们就是英雄 |
| [10:06] | Are you kidding? | 你在搞笑吗 |
| [10:07] | These people would follow you to the ends of the earth. | 这些家伙会追随你直到天涯海角 |
| [10:10] | Barring a steep incline or any big jump in humidity. | 上刀山下油锅 都决不放弃 |
| [10:18] | I don’t know why they call this roughage | 真不明白他们为嘛管这叫粗粮 |
| [10:20] | when it goes down so smooth. | 明明很顺口 |
| [10:27] | We haven’t even started this thing | 我们甚至还没开始 |
| [10:28] | and I’ve got sweat pouring out of every pit, crack and skin fold. | 而我每个毛孔和皱纹都已经在飙汗了 |
| [10:32] | Ah, you’re fine. | 你没问题的 |
| [10:33] | This is just what it feels like to be healthy. | 这其实就是健康生活的感觉 |
| [10:35] | No wonder vegans are such jerks. | 难怪素食者都是一帮蠢蛋 |
| [10:37] | Okay, it’s time to start. | 好了 准备开始了 |
| [10:38] | Now, remember, every dream I’ve ever dreamed | 记着 我的每一个梦想 |
| [10:40] | hinges on your performance. | 都寄托在你的表现上 |
| [10:42] | No pressure. | 不要有压力 |
| [10:43] | Go! | 开始 |
| [11:26] | Oh, that was pathetic. | 太可悲了 |
| [11:28] | Are you two okay? | 你们还好吗 |
| [11:29] | We’re fine. We’re just stretching. Our lungs. | 我们很好 只是在喘气而已 肺痛啊 |
| [11:32] | Oh, my God. | 天呐 |
| [11:33] | You guys are in worse shape than I thought. | 你们的状态比我想象的还要糟糕 |
| [11:38] | I’m so itchy. | 身上好痒 |
| [11:38] | I know. Me, too. | 我懂 我身上也痒 |
| [11:40] | Feels like I got gummy worms under my skin. | 就好像皮下有蠕虫在动 |
| [11:42] | No, don’t worry. You’re gonna be fine. | 别担心 你们会没事的 |
| [11:44] | We’re here. The contraband room. | 到了 违禁品储藏室 |
| [11:48] | While most Handles campers come with open hearts, | 尽管大多数肥肉自控会员带着决心过来 |
| [11:50] | many also come with hidden pockets | 但也有一些会偷偷带些糖果和垃圾食品 |
| [11:51] | filled with sugar, fat and salt, all of which ends up here. | 所有这些东西最终都会放在这里面 |
| [11:54] | Enough talk, Barney! | 扯够了 巴尼 |
| [11:55] | Yeah, let us in. | 让我们进去吧 |
| [11:59] | These are just sponges. | 这些只是海绵啊 |
| [12:00] | These cakes smell like urinal cakes. | 这些蛋糕闻着像厕所除臭蛋糕 |
| [12:02] | Cake is cake. Give me that! | 总归是蛋糕 给我吃 |
| [12:06] | I’m doing this for your own good. | 我这么做都是为你们好 |
| [12:08] | Barney! What the fudge?! | 巴尼 你搞毛啊 |
| [12:11] | Oh, how good would fudge be right now? | 现在可好了 |
| [12:17] | Let us out! | 放我们出去 |
| [12:19] | No. I spent nine hours altering those photos, | 不 我花了九小时修改那些照片 |
| [12:22] | and I brought you two up here | 而且我带你们来 |
| [12:23] | in the hopes of changing some peoples’ lives. | 是为了改变一些人的生活 |
| [12:25] | But seeing the condition you’re in, | 但看着你们现在这个状态 |
| [12:26] | I realize it’s your lives that need changing. | 我发现你们的生活才需要改变 |
| [12:28] | We don’t need changing, Barney! | 我们不需要 巴尼 |
| [12:30] | Look at us. We’re beautiful. | 看看我们 多漂亮 |
| [12:32] | Every woman in this place would kill | 这里的每个女孩都会 |
| [12:34] | for Virginia’s breasts or her thighs or her wings. | 因为维吉尼娅的胸 身材或者蝴蝶骨而抓狂 |
| [12:37] | Oh, my God, I’m hungry! | 上帝啊 我好饿 |
| [12:38] | Oh, you’re going through junk food withdrawal. | 那你得戒掉垃圾食品才行 |
| [12:40] | You look terrible! | 你们看上去太糟糕了 |
| [12:42] | That’s just another one of your fat camp lies. | 这只是你胖子营的另一个谎言罢了 |
| [12:44] | Get us a mirror. | 给我们镜子 |
| [12:45] | Handles doesn’t have any mirrors. | 肥肉自控会没有镜子 |
| [12:46] | Ever since a guest shattered one and used the shards | 自从一个人打破镜子 |
| [12:48] | to kill and eat a raccoon. | 并用碎片宰了一只浣熊吃掉后就没有了 |
| [12:50] | Oh, how good would raccoon be right now? | 浣熊现在该有多好吃 |
| [12:53] | Trust me, I’m doing this for your own good. | 相信我 我这么做是为你们好 |
| [12:56] | No, no. No, no, no. No! No! | 不 不 不 不 |
| [12:58] | Barney! | 巴尼 |
| [13:03] | Maybe we can eat these. | 也许我们可以吃这个 |
| [13:05] | How different can a packing peanut be from a circus peanut? | 填充花生跟棉花糖花生又有什么区别呢 |
| [13:09] | Oh, my God. So different. | 天呐 口感差太多了 |
| [13:10] | Maybe there’s some sugar in this glass cleaner. | 也许这玻璃清洁剂里面会有糖 |
| [13:13] | I wouldn’t do that. | 别这样 |
| [13:15] | It tastes terrible. | 尝起来跟翔一样 |
| [13:16] | – What the hell? – Shh. | -搞毛啊 -嘘 |
| [13:18] | Is there somebody in here? | 这还有别人吗 |
| [13:28] | Who are you? | 你是哪位 |
| [13:29] | Kevin. They caught me smuggling candy bars, | 我叫凯文 他们抓到我私藏糖果 |
| [13:32] | and they locked me in here. | 就把我关在这里 |
| [13:33] | Well, there’s got to be a way out. | 这肯定有出口吧 |
| [13:35] | There is a way, but it’s impossible. | 是有一个 可惜不可能办到 |
| [13:38] | You have to walk up two flights of stairs, | 你得爬上两级台阶 |
| [13:40] | and then somehow scale a four-foot chain-link fence. | 然后想方设法爬过一个四尺高的栅栏 |
| [13:43] | Then, if you manage to get over that, | 就算你真的爬过去了 |
| [13:45] | well, it’s still half a mile | 离最近的镇子 |
| [13:47] | of only partially-shaded road until the nearest town. | 还有半英里的林荫小道 |
| [13:51] | None of that sounds that difficult. | 听起来没什么难点 |
| [13:52] | Well, I guess if you’re a superhero or something. | 好吧 看来你是个超级英雄之类的家伙 |
| [13:55] | So, there’s no lasers or fields of landmines? | 那这边没有激光或者地雷咯 |
| [13:59] | Don’t need ’em. | 根本不需要 |
| [14:00] | There’s a window behind that shelf, | 那个货架后有个窗户 |
| [14:01] | but you’ll never get through it. | 但你们肯定穿不过去 |
| [14:08] | Why? Is it bolted or locked? | 为嘛 拴着还是锁着 |
| [14:11] | Painted shut? | 被漆住了 |
| [14:12] | Is it…? Come on, Kevin. Come with… | 这是… 凯文来吧 跟我们… |
| [14:24] | Where is he? | 人呢 |
| [14:25] | What’s weirder? | 你说哪个更诡异 |
| [14:26] | We both hallucinated the same overweight friend, | 是我们同时产生幻觉看到一个胖家伙呢 |
| [14:30] | or a mop told us how to get out of this room? | 还是一个拖把刚刚告诉我们出去的方法 |
| [14:33] | I don’t care. We’re out. | 没所谓 反正我们出来了 |
| [14:43] | Finally. | 历尽千辛万苦 |
| [14:44] | Now let’s get started on Little Jimmy. | 我们开始搞小吉米吧 |
| [14:46] | Doesn’t really help my confidence | 你这么说它 |
| [14:47] | when you call it “Little Jimmy.” | 对我的信心其实毫无帮助 |
| [14:49] | Oh. Oh, no, no, no. | 哦 不 不 不 |
| [14:50] | I was just talking about our future son. | 我只是在说我们未来的小孩罢了 |
| [14:57] | Whoa! Jimmy. | 哇哦 吉米 |
| [14:59] | Weird seeing you here. | 看到你在这真诡异 |
| [15:01] | Weirder than going out in a man-sized onesie? | 更诡异的难道不是你穿着连体衣 |
| [15:03] | My house got robbed. | 我家被抢了 |
| [15:05] | I couldn’t stay there, so I quickly changed | 我不能待在那 所以就赶紧 |
| [15:07] | into my jammies and grabbed my go bag. | 换了睡衣 抓起手包出来了 |
| [15:09] | But why would you come here? | 但为嘛你来我家 |
| [15:12] | I always come here when I’m scared at night. | 我晚上怕怕的时候都会来这啊 |
| [15:14] | Okay, you know what? That’s fine. | 行 没问题 |
| [15:16] | You can stay here, but | 你可以待在这 |
| [15:18] | we are gonna be in the bedroom. Please don’t bother us. | 但我们要睡觉了 别来打扰我们 |
| [15:20] | We’ll see you in the morning. | 明天早上见 |
| [15:22] | You won’t even know I’m here. | 放心吧 你们甚至不知道我在这 |
| [15:25] | Now… where were we? | 现在 我们进展到哪一步了 |
| [15:35] | Whoa. Are you okay? | 你没事吧 |
| [15:36] | Oh, you heard that? | 你们听到了 |
| [15:38] | Yeah, we did. What are you doing? | 对 你在干嘛 |
| [15:40] | You’re gonna wake up Hope and Maw Maw, | 你会吵醒喜旺和曾奶奶的 |
| [15:42] | and it took us all day to put them down. | 我们好不容易才把她俩哄睡着 |
| [15:44] | I forgot to mention I have stress-induced night terrors. | 忘了告诉你们 我有应力性夜惊 |
| [15:48] | Burt usually rocks me back to sleep. | 通常都是伯特摇我入梦乡 |
| [15:50] | With his guitar? | 用他的吉他吗 |
| [15:51] | With his arms. | 用他的双臂 |
| [15:53] | For a man who works outdoors, | 对一个户外工作者来说 |
| [15:54] | he has a surprisingly gentle embrace. | 他的怀抱还真是出奇的温柔呢 |
| [15:57] | Okay. Fine. | 好吧 算你狠 |
| [16:06] | Hopefully, he’ll fall asleep soon, | 希望他能很快入眠 |
| [16:09] | and then I can go back to bed and, you know, join you. | 然后我就能回床上 投入你的怀抱了 |
| [16:12] | Hopefully, by then, | 希望那时 |
| [16:13] | I will have completely erased this image from my brain. | 这画面已从我脑海里被抹去了 |
| [16:15] | Sabrina, I’m trying to sleep here. | 塞布丽娜不要吵 我要睡觉呢 |
| [16:19] | Would you mind…? | 你能不能… |
| [16:21] | And, Jimmy, | 对了 吉米 |
| [16:22] | it wouldn’t hurt if you put on a little of your dad’s cologne. | 喷点你老爸的香水那更是极好的了 |
| [16:48] | Oh, I can’t wait to eat some good food | 神呐 快赐我点好吃的吧 |
| [16:51] | sold to me by a clown, a king or a plantation owner. | 不管是小丑 国王还是种植园主卖的都行 |
| [16:54] | But we don’t have any money. | 但我们一点钱都没了 |
| [16:56] | I don’t want to sell my body for nuggets, but I will. | 我不愿意卖身换食 但事到如今也没得选了 |
| [17:01] | Do you smell that? Is it? Could it be? | 你闻到了吗 真的吗 真的是真的吗 |
| [17:03] | Oh. We’re gonna live! | 我们有救了 |
| [17:15] | French fries! | 薯条 |
| [17:17] | Get in the minivan, kids. Get in the minivan now! | 快上面包车 孩子们 马上上面包车 |
| [17:24] | Zombies! Go, go, go! | 有僵尸 快开车 |
| [17:27] | Help! They’re gonna eat us! | 救命啊 他们会吃了我们的 |
| [17:32] | I don’t think this is working out for us. | 我觉得这样行不通啊 |
| [17:34] | That’s okay. | 别气馁 |
| [17:36] | I got a better plan. | 我有个更好的计划 |
| [17:39] | I used to do this when Hope was a little baby. | 喜旺小的时候我常常这么做 |
| [17:42] | It’s called a “Baby burrito.” | 这叫”宝宝卷饼” |
| [17:45] | Yeah, I remember. | 对 我记得 |
| [17:46] | Seeing what a good father you were | 就是你当初展现的慈父情怀 |
| [17:48] | is what made me fall in love with you. | 让我深深爱上你 |
| [17:52] | We still got 15 minutes left in my little baby egg window. | 我的卵子之窗还有15分钟就要关闭了 |
| [17:55] | Let’s go. | 走 |
| [18:00] | Mommy! Daddy! | 妈咪 爸比 |
| [18:02] | Oh, God, I’m blind! | 妈啊 我瞎了 |
| [18:04] | Wait. Is it night? | 慢着 现在是深夜吗 |
| [18:09] | Daddy? | 爸比 |
| [18:09] | No reason to ignore the phone now. | 现在真没法假装没听到电话铃 |
| [18:15] | Hello? | 喂 |
| [18:17] | You’re where?! | 你在哪 |
| [18:17] | Jail. We’re in jail. | 监狱 我们在监狱 |
| [18:19] | Bring bail money and anything in the kitchen | 拿钱来保释我们 还有 |
| [18:21] | with “high fructose corn syrup” on the label. | 厨房里标签为”果葡糖浆”的东西全给我带来 |
| [18:23] | – The higher the better! – Yeah, higher the better. | -越浓越好 -对 越浓越好 |
| [18:28] | Now, you guys sit here and behave; and so we don’t have | 你们都老实在这坐着 这样 |
| [18:30] | a repeat of the whole why-are-you-hitting-yourself incident from the car, | 刚才车上的”自打自”事件就不会重演了 |
| [18:33] | Hope’s in charge. | 喜旺负责看着你们 |
| [18:37] | Now, | 该你们了 |
| [18:38] | what’d you guys do? | 你俩又犯什么事了 |
| [18:40] | It’s all Barney’s fault. | 都是巴尼的错 |
| [18:44] | Oh, Virginia! | 维吉妮亚 |
| [18:45] | Envelopes! | 信封 |
| [18:47] | Unlicked! | 还没被舔过 |
| [18:48] | Jackpot! | 天不亡我啊 |
| [18:51] | Ah, there you two are. | 你俩在这啊 |
| [18:53] | Stay back! | 退后 |
| [18:54] | We’re not going back there, Barney! | 我们不会回去的 巴尼 |
| [18:55] | No, no, no, no, no. I’m-I’m friendly. | 别激动 我不会害你们的 |
| [18:58] | Look. | 看 |
| [19:04] | It’s okay, fella. | 没事的 小伙伴 |
| [19:12] | You guys, I am so sorry. | 真对不起二位 |
| [19:14] | I got so caught up in getting my pants | 我一心只想着把我的裤子 |
| [19:16] | on the Wall of Quadruple Excellence | 挂到超超超超大号裤子成就墙上 |
| [19:17] | that I lost sight of what it means to be truly inspirational. | 以至于忘了”激励人心”的真实含义 |
| [19:20] | You two don’t have the same issues with food that I do, | 你们没有我那样的饮食问题 |
| [19:22] | and to think that locking you in a cage | 认为把你们关在笼子里就能帮到你们的 |
| [19:23] | would do you any good was wrong. | 这种想法是错的 |
| [19:25] | It’s gonna take a lot more | 不是一两颗糖 |
| [19:26] | than a couple sugar cubes to get us to forgive you, Barney. | 就能让我们原谅你的 巴尼 |
| [19:28] | I know. That’s why I brought this. | 知道 所以我带了这个来 |
| [19:34] | He’s got the good stuff! | 他搞到好东西了 |
| [19:36] | We love you, Barney! | 我们爱你 巴尼 |
| [19:39] | Freeze, junkie scum! | 不许动 老毒虫 |
| [19:44] | Turns out, all that stuff was real candy, | 经证实 你们在垃圾箱里吃的 |
| [19:47] | which you were eating in a dumpster. | 确实是糖果 |
| [19:48] | So the only thing you’re guilty of is being gross, | 所以你们唯一的罪行就是恶心人 |
| [19:50] | disgusting people who probably have hepatitis C. | 恶心死那些可能患有丙肝的人了 |
| [19:55] | Please leave this police station | 请离开警察局 |
| [19:56] | and try not to touch anything on your way out. | 一路上请不要碰任何东西 |
| [20:07] | These are for everybody, right? | 这些东西谁都能吃 对吧 |
| [20:13] | Are we there yet? | 到了吗 |
| [20:14] | Not that I have the faintest clue where we’re going. | 我可不是完全不知道咱要去哪 |
| [20:16] | We’re almost home, Maw Maw. Just go to sleep, okay? | 就要到家了 曾奶奶 你就好好睡行吗 |
| [20:20] | I’m sorry about this. | 发生这些真的很抱歉 |
| [20:22] | I guess we missed our 72-hour window. | 我们可能错过72小时之窗了 |
| [20:24] | Honey, there’s gonna be other windows. | 亲爱的 还会有其他小窗的 |
| [20:26] | And, like, it’s really not the worst thing in the world | 虽然我们还要再等上一年 |
| [20:28] | that we have to wait another year, right? | 但这不是什么世界末日 对吧 |
| [20:30] | I’m not bummed about it if you’re not bummed about it. | 你不失望 我就不失望 |
| [20:32] | Oh, baby, I’m not bummed. | 亲爱的 我没有失望 |
| [20:34] | Plus, it’s like, we already got the greatest kid in the world. | 再说 我们已经有一个世界上最棒的孩子了 |
| [20:37] | I guess we just enjoy being parents to Hope | 那我们就好好照顾喜旺 |
| [20:41] | and wait until the time is right. | 剩下的等时机来临再说吧 |
| [20:43] | Yeah, and, you know, like, I’m not not into practicing | 对 我不是不喜欢在时机来临前 |
| [20:47] | as much as we possibly can until that time comes. | 拼命练习一番 |
| [20:49] | So, do you want to go to the pharmacy | 你想去药店 |
| [20:51] | and not not pick up condoms? | 然后不要不买套套吗 |
| [20:53] | I don’t not not want to do that. | 我没有不想买 |
| [20:55] | You guys are not not grossing me out. | 你俩才没有差点让我恶心得吐出来 |
| [20:58] | Barney didn’t get his pants on the Wall Of Excellence, | 巴尼没能把裤子挂到超超超超大号裤子成就墙上 |
| [21:00] | but he did find a place for them | 但他还是为他的裤子 |
| [21:01] | where they could do some good. | 找到了用武之地 |
| [21:03] | Even though Barney lied to us, | 尽管巴尼骗了我们 |
| [21:04] | – I’m still glad we went to Handles. – Me, too. | -我还是很高兴去了肥肉自控会 -我也是 |
| [21:07] | The detox was hard, but now that we’re past it, | 戒瘾是很痛苦 但既然我们都克服了 |
| [21:09] | I’m really glad we’re making smarter food choices. | 我真的很高兴我们会挑选更健康的食物了 |
| [21:11] | Like these apples. | 比如这些苹果 |
| [21:13] | What does “GMO” Stand for? | GMO是神马意思 |
| [21:16] | “God Made Organic”? | 神造有机食品[其实意思转基因食品] |
| [21:18] | Probably. | 有可能 |
| [21:19] | And these apples are made with 70% synthetic corn. | 这些苹果由70%的合成玉米构成 |
| [21:23] | Now, that’s got to be healthy. | 肯定是健康食品 |