英文名称：Tom Segura Ball Hog
年代：2020
推荐：千部英美剧台词本阅读
| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| [00:22] | How you doing? | 你们好吗 |
| [00:24] | No shit. | 那是当然 |
| [00:27] | Thank you, thank you. | 谢谢 谢谢 |
| [00:29] | How you guys doing? All right. | 你们过得怎么样 好了 |
| [00:31] | Thank you very much. It’s great to be in Austin, Texas. | 非常感谢 很高兴来到奥斯汀德克萨斯州 |
| [00:38] | When I do the road, I leave a wife and two small kids, | 我要出发时候 得留我老婆和俩小孩在家 |
| [00:41] | and, she’s… she’s pretty attached, you know. | 但你们知道吗 她很粘人的 |
| [00:45] | She cries when I leave. | 我一走她就哭了 |
| [00:48] | Like… | 就是 |
| [00:51] | …all the time. | 一直在哭 |
| [00:52] | Yeah, she does. | 是呀 她一直哭 |
| [00:53] | I leave, and she’s like… “It’s gonna be hard when you’re gone.” | 我要走时 她就一脸”你不在我备受煎熬” |
| [00:57] | And then I have to do, like, an acting exercise, and I’m like… | 然后我必须配合演出 也摆出一副 |
| [01:01] | “It’s gonna be hard for me, too.” You know? | “我也很难受”的样子 |
| [01:05] | It’s not hard. | 我根本不难受 |
| [01:08] | It’s fun. | 很好玩 |
| [01:10] | I just did it backstage on the phone, like five minutes ago. | 我刚在后台就那样做了 大概五分钟前 |
| [01:17] | She’s like… “I’m all alone at the house.” | 她说”我一个人在家里好孤独” |
| [01:19] | And I was like… “I’m all alone out here.” You know? | 我说”我也可可怜怜一个人在外面” |
| [01:23] | No, I’m not. | 才不是呢 |
| [01:27] | She’s great. She’s great. I love her. | 她很好 她很棒 我爱她 |
| [01:29] | I love the kids more, but I do love her. | 我更爱孩子们 但我确实爱她 |
| [01:33] | Well, it’s a different love, you know? | 当然了 这是不同的爱 |
| [01:35] | Like, I don’t want to fuck the kids. So there’s a start. | 我可不想和孩子嘿咻 这就是区别 |
| [01:44] | “That’s good, Tom.” So… | “这很棒 汤姆” |
| [01:47] | It is beyond your capacity to explain | 这没办法解释 |
| [01:49] | how much you end up loving your kids. | 你有多爱你的孩子们 |
| [01:52] | It is. And, like, now I’m on that side of it, | 是的 现在我是有娃一族 |
| [01:55] | so I get to be amused by people who don’t have kids | 所以我觉得那些没有孩子 |
| [01:58] | who swear that they get it. | 却又说能懂的人很搞笑 |
| [02:00] | That’s my favorite. | 这是我的最爱 |
| [02:01] | Like, to hang out with a friend who doesn’t have any kids, | 和一个没有小孩的朋友一起出去玩 |
| [02:04] | and he’s like, | 然后他说 |
| [02:05] | “Yeah, man, I see that you love your kids. | “兄弟 我感觉得到你很爱你的宝贝们 |
| [02:08] | I totally know what you’re feeling because… | 我完全能明白这感觉 因为 |
| [02:13] | I love my dog.” | 我爱我的狗崽子 |
| [02:16] | And I’m like, “Yeah.” | 我只能说”呵呵是吗” |
| [02:17] | No. | 并不是 |
| [02:19] | I’m not diminishing pet love. | 我并不是在贬低对宠物的爱 |
| [02:20] | Pet love is real. | 宠物的爱是真挚的 |
| [02:22] | Yes! Absolutely. | 是的 绝对是 |
| 本电影台词包含不重复单词：1281个。 其中的生词包含：四级词汇：226个，六级词汇：114个，GRE词汇：102个，托福词汇：158个，考研词汇：245个，专四词汇：192个，专八词汇：26个， 所有生词标注共：430个。 定制生词标注的台词本和单词统计，请访问生词标注台词本 | ||
| [02:23] | I’ve had pets my entire life. It’s the best. | 我养了一辈子的宠物 感觉很棒 |
| [02:27] | I’ve rescued animals. I encourage you to do it. | 我救过小动物 我也建议你这么做 |
| [02:29] | I have a dog that I adore. | 我也有一只我爱的狗狗 |
| [02:32] | But here is the difference | 但不同之处就在于 |
| [02:34] | between my love for that dog and my kids. | 爱孩子与爱狗子是不一样的 |
| [02:37] | If that dog were to hurt one of my kids, | 如果狗狗伤害了我的娃 |
| [02:40] | immediately and without question… | 我会二话不说立即 |
| [02:44] | I would drown that dog, right? | 把狗子淹死 对吧 |
| [02:49] | And I mean, through yelps like… | 就算狗子嗷嗷地叫 |
| [02:52] | I’d go… Like that. | 我还是会继续 |
| [02:56] | And then I would give it to my son. | 然后我还会把那狗子给我儿子 |
| [03:00] | I’d be like, “Remember when that hurt you? | 我会说”还记得它咬过你吗 |
| [03:02] | I killed it.” | 我把它给办了” |
| [03:05] | He’d be like, “What the fuck… | 他说”什么鬼 |
| [03:08] | am I supposed to do with this dead dog?” | 我能对一只死狗做什么” |
| [03:11] | And I’d go, “I don’t know. | 然后我回答”我也不知道 |
| [03:12] | Maybe learn to stand up for yourself | 如果你懂得维护自己的话 |
| [03:14] | so I don’t have to do shit like that, all right?” | 这种蠢事就不需要我来做了对吧” |
| [03:18] | I know. | 我知道 |
| [03:20] | It’s a very divisive joke. It has been… | 这是个挺有争议的笑话 已经持续了 |
| [03:23] | the entire tour. | 整场巡演 |
| [03:27] | I think it sets up the audience into two camps, you know? | 我觉得观众会分成两个阵营 |
| [03:32] | People who are like, “Don’t do the yelp.” | 一半的人是”不要淹死狗狗”阵营 |
| [03:38] | “It makes it real.” | “这也太黑暗了” |
| [03:41] | Then other people who are like, | 另一半的人则是 |
| [03:43] | “Do the yelp. That’s my favorite shit, man.” And… | “淹死它 兄弟 我就喜欢这个” |
| [03:46] | you know who you are. | 你是啥样的人你自己清楚 |
| [03:50] | Dude, having kids makes you do crazy shit. | 说真的有了娃以后你会干些疯狂的事 |
| [03:53] | I’m not even proud of some of the things I’ve done, all right? | 实际上我也做了些为之羞愧的事 |
| [03:56] | Last year was the first time | 去年的时候 我家宝贝 |
| [03:58] | I ever had somebody bully one of my kids. | 第一次被人欺负 |
| [04:00] | I didn’t respond well. | 而我没有处理好 |
| [04:02] | This is what… I took my older son to a park. | 是这样的 我带我家的长子去公园 |
| [04:04] | He was two and a half. | 他那时候2岁半 |
| [04:06] | The cutest little fucking kid. | 一个可爱到犯规的小男孩 |
| [04:08] | And he walks into the park, and he walks up to a playground set. | 他走进公园后直接去了游乐设施那 |
| [04:12] | And, as he walks up to it, he steps on it, | 他刚到那儿 正要一脚踏进去时 |
| [04:15] | and an older kid… | 有个大一点的小孩 |
| [04:16] | Meaning four. | 大概四岁 |
| [04:20] | He goes, “You can’t play with that. That’s mine.” | 他说”你不能玩 这些都是我的” |
| [04:23] | And I go, “I’ll kick your chest through your back.” | 然后我说”我一脚踢你个前胸贴后背” |
| [04:29] | And he goes, “What?” | 他来一句”什么” |
| [04:31] | And I go, “I’ll stomp you out right now!” | 我吓唬他”我现在就揍烂你” |
| [04:34] | So he’s crying. I’m laughing. | 他吓哭了 我哈哈大笑 |
| [04:36] | Everybody’s gathered around, right? | 每个人都围了过来 |
| [04:42] | You can’t do that. | 你不能这么做 |
| [04:44] | You can’t do anything to a shitty kid. | 你不能对一个小烂孩做任何事 |
| [04:47] | You can curse a lot around them. | 但可以在周围往死里骂他们 |
| [04:50] | Not to them. | 不是当面骂 |
| [04:50] | That’s an important distinction. | 这是一个很重要的区别 |
| [04:52] | Around them, | 在他们周围嘟囔 |
| [04:53] | and then you fantasize about them repeating it at home | 然后你就想象他们回家后重复你说的话 |
| [04:56] | and getting in trouble, and that’s very satisfying, all right? | 然后被爹妈暴揍 就很爽 对吧 |
| [05:01] | But, you know, you gotta put rhythm to it, | 当然你得加点节奏进去 |
| [05:03] | or they won’t remember, | 否则他们记不住 |
| [05:04] | cause they’re just dumb fucking kids. | 因为他们只是傻得冒泡的小烂孩 |
| [05:05] | So you’ve got to be like, | 你可以这样唱 |
| [05:07] | ♪ Shit, piss, motherfucker Cunt, my balls ♪ | ♪ 屎尿骚逼大蛋蛋 ♪ |
| [05:09] | ♪ Lick my dick, eat my ass ♪ | ♪ 舔我屌 吃我屁 ♪ |
| [05:11] | And the kid’ll be like… | 那些孩子跟着一起 |
| [05:16] | “What’s that?” | “那是啥” |
| [05:16] | I’d be like, “Go tell your mom. | 我就说”去问问你们的老妈 |
| [05:18] | That’s what that is.” | 就知道了” |
| [05:21] | As they walk by, you can get in one accidental hit. | 他们走的时候 你可以假装不小心打到他 |
| [05:25] | I’ve tried it, but it’s got to… | 我之前试过 像这样 |
| [05:26] | As they’re passing, you know. | 他们经过你的时候 |
| [05:29] | Like that, and then they’ll be like… | 像这样 然后他们就 |
| [05:35] | ♪ Shit, piss Motherfucker, cunt, my… ♪ | ♪ 屎尿骚逼大蛋蛋 ♪ |
| [05:43] | You ever meet somebody, | 你是否遇过某些人 |
| [05:44] | and they’re so boring, | 某些超级无聊的人 |
| [05:46] | you feel like they poisoned you? Like… | 无聊到感觉像被毒害了 |
| [05:49] | you’re talking to them, and you’re like, | 比如你和他们说话的时候 你就在想 |
| [05:51] | “I feel like I’m dying right now. | “我感觉快要死翘翘了 |
| [05:54] | And I think you did it.” | 你成功把我聊死了” |
| [05:56] | This guy’s name is Craig. I met him… | 这个兄弟叫克雷格 我之前遇见他 |
| [06:00] | I made sure to get it. | 我保证是他 |
| [06:01] | I was like, “I’m gonna remember you | 他是那种我下半辈子都忘不了的 |
| [06:03] | for the rest of my life, man.” | 的男人 |
| [06:04] | He– I met him at the bank. | 我是在银行遇见他的 |
| [06:06] | Is he a bank teller? | 他是银行柜员吗 |
| [06:08] | No. | 不是 |
| [06:09] | Is he a security guard? | 他是警卫吗 |
| [06:10] | Nope. | 也不是 |
| [06:11] | What’s his job? | 那他是干嘛的 |
| [06:12] | I don’t know. Whatever they call that guy | 我也不清楚 不知道你们怎么称呼 |
| [06:15] | that stands in the lobby… | 站银行大堂门口的人 |
| [06:17] | of banks now. Where you walk in, | 就是在你进门的时候 |
| [06:19] | and you’re like, “Do you work here?” | 你会问”你在这儿上班吗” |
| [06:21] | And he’s like, “I think so.” That guy. | 然后他回答”可能是吧”的人 |
| [06:23] | The lobby liaison. | 大堂联络员 |
| [06:26] | Well, I saw him. We made eye contact. | 我看他时 他也在看我 |
| [06:29] | I don’t know how you work. | 我不知道你们会怎么做 |
| [06:30] | For me, if we make eye contact… | 但对我来说 如果我们四目相对 |
| [06:32] | During the day. Not at night. | 在白天 不是晚上 |
| [06:34] | But during the day… | 在大白天 |
| [06:37] | …out of human decency, I acknowledge you. | 出于礼貌 我会搭理一下你 |
| [06:40] | So that’s what I did. | 然后我就这么做了 |
| [06:41] | We made eye contact, and I go, “How you doing?” | 我们看着对方 我说”你好吗” |
| [06:43] | And he went… | 他就这样 |
| [06:46] | And I was like, “Okay, so…” | 我就”好吧” |
| [06:50] | Then I get to the second set of doors to walk in. | 然后我走到了第二个门准备进去 |
| [06:53] | And, as I reach for that door, | 走到门口时 |
| [06:55] | I hear, uh, “You going to the bank?” | 我听见他说”你准备去银行吗” |
| [07:02] | I go, “Is this still a bank?” | “这里是银行吧” |
| [07:04] | He goes, “Yeah.” | 他说”当然是呀” |
| [07:05] | I go, “I’d like to.” | 我说”那我想进去了” |
| [07:07] | And he goes, “Go for it.” | 他说”加油鸭” |
| [07:09] | And I was like… | 我就黑人问号脸了 |
| [07:12] | “Okay. | “行吧 |
| [07:14] | Thanks.” | 谢谢” |
| [07:16] | And then I reach back… | 然后我刚回头 |
| [07:18] | and he goes, “I’m going to Virginia next week.” | 他又念了一句”下周我要去维吉尼亚州” |
| [07:24] | “Are you telling me that?” | “你是在跟我说话吗” |
| [07:27] | He goes, “You said, ‘How you doing?’ When you got here. | 他说”你刚和我说了句’你好吗'” |
| [07:30] | I had to think about it. | 我得思考一下 |
| [07:33] | That’s what I’m doing.” | 所以刚那句就是我的回答 |
| [07:34] | I go, “That’s the craziest shit I’ve ever heard anybody say. | 我就在想”这是我听过最操蛋的回答了 |
| [07:37] | And also not how that question works, but all right.” | 也不知道这问题是啥意思 但就这样吧” |
| [07:43] | And now I reach back, and now he goes, | 我刚回过头去 他就 |
| [07:45] | “Yeah, my sister lives there,” and I’m like… | “我姐姐住在维吉尼亚州” 我就 |
| [07:51] | “How long has she lived there?” | “那你姐在那住多久了” |
| [07:54] | Now I’m roped in. | 我是真被他缠住了 |
| [07:56] | He goes, “Fifteen years.” | 他说”15年了” |
| [07:58] | And I go, “You’ve never been?” And he goes, “Uh-uh.” | 我说”你没去过那儿吗” 他说”没呢” |
| [08:02] | Now I’m starting to look at him like, | 我盯着他说 |
| [08:04] | “Hey, man, do you drive to work or… | “兄弟 你自己开车上班还是 |
| [08:06] | does somebody drop you off?” You know what I mean? | 有人载你” 你们懂我意思吧 |
| [08:13] | I think he… | 我觉得他 |
| [08:20] | I think he could see it in my face… | 他从我脸上看到了一丝丝鄙夷 |
| [08:22] | because, out of nowhere, he goes, “I drive.” | 因为 突然他冒出来一句”我自己开车” |
| [08:25] | I was like, “That’s cool, man. That’s cool. | 我就说”那挺好 挺好的 |
| [08:28] | I drive, too. That’s crazy. Uh… | 我也自己开车 真热血呢 |
| [08:31] | I gotta get in here.” | 我得进去了” |
| [08:33] | He goes, “Yeah, we’re gonna check out DC, | 他说”我们会游览华盛顿 |
| [08:35] | and we’re gonna see some monuments.” | 逛逛景点啥的” |
| [08:37] | I go, “I would love to hear about it, | 我说”我很乐意跟你聊 |
| [08:39] | but I have to make a deposit.” | 但是我得先去存钱” |
| [08:40] | He goes, “I’ll be here when you walk out.” | 他说”那我在这等你出来再聊” |
| [08:42] | I go, “You motherfucker.” | 我说”你傻逼吧” |
| [08:46] | Fuck that guy. | 可去他妈的吧 |
| [08:48] | And fuck everybody like him. | 喜欢他的人也都是傻逼 |
| [08:51] | If you have the audacity to tell people how you’re doing | 如果别人问你”最近过得怎么样” |
| [08:55] | when they say, “How you doing?” | 你就真蠢到讲你那些破事儿 |
| [08:57] | That shit is rude and selfish, all right? | 又没礼貌又自私好吗 |
| [09:00] | I’m serious. | 我说真的 |
| [09:01] | There are two acceptable answers to “How you doing?” | “你最近怎么样”这个问题 只有俩答案 |
| [09:04] | “Fine” and “great.” | 那就是”还行”和”挺好” |
| [09:07] | And if you’re miserable, you say, “Fine.” | 如果你最近过得不咋地 就说”还行” |
| [09:09] | You don’t burden people with your real-world problems | 无论如何 不该用你的破事儿去烦别人 |
| [09:13] | during a courteous exchange. | 大家只是客套一下 |
| [09:16] | Yeah. | 对 |
| [09:20] | It’s true. | 就是这样 |
| [09:23] | You know why? | 知道为什么吗 |
| [09:24] | Because nobody wants to hear your problems. | 因为没人乐意听你那点破事儿 |
| [09:26] | Your problems make my dick soft, | 听完你的破事儿我鸡巴都软了 |
| [09:28] | and I am trying to stay hard out here. | 我想当个”硬”汉好吗 |
| [09:32] | Now… | 接下来 |
| [09:38] | You know who’s got a good system going on? | 你们知道谁有一套优秀的管理系统吗 |
| [09:41] | Rodrigo Duterte, the president of the Philippines. | 罗德里戈·杜特尔特 菲律宾总统 |
| [09:46] | Yeah, well, if you’re not aware, | 对 有可能你们不太了解他 |
| [09:48] | the president of the Philippines is a super cool guy, and… | 菲律宾总统其人特牛逼 |
| [09:53] | he has a lot of fun ideas. | 他有很多有意思的想法 |
| [09:56] | One of them is that he employs motorcycle murder squads… | 比如 他雇佣摩托车杀手小队 |
| [10:02] | to go out and kill people on sight. | 去街上 见人就杀 |
| [10:07] | No arrest, no trial. | 不逮捕 不庭审 |
| [10:09] | Who does he do it to? | 那他都杀什么人呢 |
| [10:10] | Drug dealers and suspected drug users. | 毒贩子和疑似吸毒的人 |
| [10:16] | “Suspected.” | “疑似”哦 |
| [10:18] | Do you know how many tired people die every day in Manila? | 你们知道每天马尼拉有多少人死于困倦吗 |
| [10:22] | Isn’t that crazy to you? | 听着不吓人吗 |
| [10:24] | You can walk out of your house | 你早上五点钟 |
| [10:25] | at five in the morning, like, “Oh, shit.” | 走出房门 正嘟囔着”困死了” |
| [10:28] | And then you hear… You’re like, | 然后你听见摩托声 立马就 |
| [10:35] | “I’m up!” | “我醒了” |
| [10:37] | They roll up next to you, “You high?” | 他们停到你面前问”你嗑药了吗” |
| [10:39] | You’re like, “I just got up.” | 你说”我就是刚起床” |
| [10:40] | They’re like, “Mm, you’re high.” Pow. Kill you. | 他们看了看说”你嗑了” 啪 你死了 |
| [10:44] | It’s horrific. | 太可怕了 |
| [10:45] | It’s reprehensible. | 这也太不道德了 |
| [10:47] | And I hope that we adopt it here. | 我希望我们也借鉴一下 |
| [10:49] | Not… | 当然不是 |
| [10:52] | Not for drug usage, obviously. | 肯定不是为了打击毒品 |
| [10:54] | I think we should reserve it for people | 我认为 我们应该把这招用在那些 |
| [10:56] | who have public speakerphone conversations | 喜欢在公共场合放外放的人 |
| [10:59] | with their phones in front of their face like this. | 就那种非得这么端着手机接电话 |
| [11:01] | You know? Yeah. | 你们知道吧 对就这种人 |
| [11:06] | Who are these people just walking around, | 就一个人走在路上 |
| [11:08] | oblivious to the world around them? | 对全世界都视若无睹的人 |
| [11:10] | You’re waiting in line to buy a coffee, | 你排队等个咖啡的功夫 |
| [11:12] | you have to hear a fascinating, two-way tale amplified. | 还得听一段引人入胜超大声的双向对话 |
| [11:16] | It’s always like… “Where were you last night? | 基本上是这样”你昨晚去哪了” |
| [11:26] | Slice their fucking throat, right in line. | 直接上前割了那傻逼的喉咙吧 |
| [11:30] | Kick the the body. “Can I have a coffee?” So… | 把尸体踹一边 “我想点杯咖啡” |
| [11:33] | Too violent? I get it. So… | 太暴力了吗 我知道 那么 |
| [11:36] | You know whose balls I’d love to slam in a mailbox… | 知道我想把谁的蛋蛋扔邮箱里吗 |
| [11:41] | for 20 minutes straight? | 使劲怼个二十分钟 |
| [11:44] | Grown men who board 6:00 a.M. flights | 有一种成年人 坐着早班六点的飞机 |
| [11:48] | who have never seen clouds before. | 好像这辈子都没见过云似的 |
| [11:50] | I don’t know… | 我不知道 |
| [11:53] | if… | 你们 |
| [11:55] | you’ve ever had the good fortune | 是不是有幸坐过 |
| [11:57] | of boarding an early morning flight | 早班飞机 |
| [11:59] | where there’s an unspoken agreement, | 我们是有不成文规矩的 |
| [12:02] | “We’re gonna keep it nice and dark | “不吵不闹 享受黑暗 |
| [12:04] | so we can rest along the journey.” | 好好在机上睡一觉” |
| [12:06] | But there’s always some TikTok in 16C… | 但是总有那么个刷抖音的傻逼 |
| [12:12] | Yeah. | 对 |
| [12:15] | One guy who’s sitting there, who’s like, | 那哥们就坐在那儿 |
| [12:17] | “I’ve never seen a cloud like that. | “我从来没见过这样的云耶 |
| [12:27] | Oh! There’s another one right there.” | 那儿还有一朵” |
| [12:31] | “Are you fucking four? | “你他妈四岁吗 |
| [12:34] | Shut the shade, tit-slap. We’re trying to get some rest.” | 把挡光板拉下来 傻逼 我们想睡觉” |
| [12:39] | And people who put stick figures | 还有一种人 用黏糊糊的手指头 |
| [12:40] | and the names of their family members | 把家人的名字 |
| [12:43] | on the rear windshields of their car. | 写在车后挡风玻璃上的 |
| [12:49] | They should be publicly executed… | 这种人应该被当众处决 |
| [12:53] | in their car so we can keep score on the window, you know. | 在车里行刑 我们还可以在玻璃上计分 |
| [12:59] | Isn’t that insane to you? | 你们不觉得有病吗 |
| [13:01] | Don’t you have any protective instincts? | 你们没有防范意识吗 |
| [13:03] | I mean, it’s crazy. You pull up at a random red light, | 有毛病 就好像你在红灯时候停车了 |
| [13:06] | and the car in front of you is like, | 然后你前面车里的人回头说 |
| [13:07] | “It’s funny that you didn’t ask, but… | “很意外你居然没问 但是 |
| [13:12] | inside are Mommy and Daddy… | 车里坐的是妈妈 爸爸 |
| [13:17] | and Brian and Marissa. | 布赖恩和玛丽萨 |
| [13:20] | And there’s a soccer ball next to Brian… | 然后布赖恩旁边有个足球 |
| [13:23] | because Brian loves soccer.” | 因为他喜欢足球” |
| [13:27] | Oh. | 了解 |
| [13:29] | Does Brian love getting molested? Because… | 或许布赖恩喜欢被猥亵吧 因为 |
| [13:34] | you put his name and favorite thing out there as bait to society. | 你把他名字和喜欢的东西都明晃晃摆出来 |
| [13:39] | Are you out of your goddamn mind? | 你他妈脑袋被驴踢了吗 |
| [13:43] | Why don’t you put your home address and his daily schedule | 你怎么不把你家地址和他日常行程 |
| [13:47] | right fucking next to it? | 都他妈写旁边呢 |
| [13:48] | “Brian’s up at six, home at one, bath at seven. | “布赖恩六点起床 一点回家 七点洗澡 |
| [13:54] | Come over if you want to join us.” | 欢迎跟我们一起洗哦” |
| [13:56] | It’s not okay. | 太危险了 |
| [14:00] | Guys… | 朋友们 |
| [14:03] | have you ever thought about how many times | 你们想没想过 你们和 |
| [14:05] | you may have slept with your significant other? | 你们最爱的伴侣做过多少次了 |
| [14:08] | You shouldn’t know the answer. | 你不该知道具体数字的 |
| [14:09] | So let me just start there. All right? | 我先这么告诉你了 好吧 |
| [14:11] | If you do, that’s terrifying, and… | 如果你真知道 你可挺吓人 |
| [14:14] | we’d like you to leave. | 请你出去吧 |
| [14:16] | Yeah. If you’re sitting here like, “Finally, somebody asked. | 如果你蠢蠢欲动地”终于有人问了 |
| [14:21] | It’s 926!” | 做了926次” |
| [14:24] | There’s the exit. What I’m saying… | 出口在那 我想说的是 |
| [14:27] | I’m saying, as a concept, it is reasonable to assume, | 我想说 我们先合理地假设一下 |
| [14:31] | if you’ve been with somebody three years, | 如果你和一个人在一块三年了 |
| [14:34] | you have a healthy thing going on, | 你们的生活很和谐 |
| [14:36] | you may have slept together a few hundred times. | 你们可能已经做了几百次了 |
| [14:39] | Right? Right. | 对吧 是这样 |
| [14:40] | Now, I want you to think about how many times your dad… | 现在 我要你们想想 你们的爸爸 |
| [14:47] | has finished inside of your mom. | 射在你们妈妈里边多少次了 |
| [14:53] | So many times! | 好多次啊 |
| [14:55] | “Tom, why would you say that?” | “汤姆 你为什么要说这个啊” |
| [15:02] | Well, basically, I think all of our moms | 其实 我觉得我们的妈妈 |
| [15:05] | are a bunch of cum dumpsters, you know, but… | 都是精子垃圾桶 你懂吧 但是 |
| [15:09] | Your mom more than my mom. Now… | 你妈比我妈装的还多呢 那么 |
| [15:14] | Ew, I know, it’s a tough image | 呕 我知道 画面感太强了 |
| [15:16] | to get out of your head once I’ve planted it, right? | 一旦有了画面就挥之不去 是吧 |
| [15:19] | You’re like, “Goddamn it, my mom’s dripping?” | 你在想”我操了 我妈在流水吗” |
| [15:21] | Probably, yeah. | 有可能 流了 |
| [15:24] | Soaking wet. Look… | 都湿透了 听我说 |
| [15:28] | your mom has done some nasty shit. | 你们的妈妈都干过淫荡的事 |
| [15:32] | Let’s talk about it. | 我们来好好聊聊 |
| [15:40] | She really has. And, uh… | 她肯定干过 还有 |
| [15:42] | Look, I’m here to defend her, all right? | 听我说 我是来为她说话的好吧 |
| [15:45] | It is not her fault. | 不是她的错 |
| [15:47] | It’s your dad’s fault, for sure. | 肯定是你爸的错 |
| [15:49] | Your dad, with all due respect, | 你爸爸 没有冒犯的意思 |
| [15:51] | is kind of a piece of shit. A little bit! | 像一坨屎一样 只有一点像哦 |
| [15:53] | And if you’re like, “Not my dad. | 如果你说”我爸不是 |
| [15:56] | He’s good…” | 他是个好人” |
| [15:57] | Yeah, to you. | 对你而言是挺好的 |
| [15:59] | He’s not always like that to your mom. | 对你妈就不一定了 |
| [16:01] | If they’ve been together three decades, | 如果他们已经在一块三十多年了 |
| [16:04] | you don’t think he says some off-colored shit… | 你觉得他会没跟你妈讲过下流话吗 |
| [16:08] | every now and then? Of course he does. | 从来没讲过吗 肯定讲过 |
| [16:10] | They’re laying in bed. | 他们躺在床上 |
| [16:11] | Your dad’s tossing and turning. He can’t sleep. | 你爸翻来覆去 睡不着 |
| [16:15] | And your poor mother, “Is everything all right, dear?” | 你可怜的妈妈问”你还好吗 亲爱的” |
| [16:19] | “It’s fine.” | “没事” |
| [16:21] | “Was supper good?” | “晚饭合胃口吗” |
| [16:22] | “Yeah. Shut up, I’m trying to sleep.” | “没事 闭嘴 我要睡觉” |
| [16:26] | “Can I do anything to help?” | “我能为你做点什么吗” |
| [16:28] | “Yeah. You can lick my balls, all right?” | “能 给老子舔蛋 舔吗” |
| [16:31] | You want to know something? | 你知道吗 |
| [16:32] | Your poor mother, she does it, all right? She… | 你可怜的妈妈 她还真舔了 她 |
| [16:35] | Because she’s a ball hog. So your mom gets down there… | 因为她是个球霸 所以她俯下身 |
| [16:50] | And she goes, “I like my life.” | 然后感叹”我好爱我的生活” |
| [16:55] | Oh, your mom. Now… | 你妈这个人啊 那么 |
| [16:59] | Your grandma. | 还有你奶奶 |
| [17:00] | Think about some of the things that she’s done. | 想想她做过什么事 |
| [17:04] | On the railroad tracks or wherever she used to fuck around. | 在铁轨上 或者别的打过炮的地方 |
| [17:09] | El Paso. I don’t know. Uh… | 想想埃尔帕索 谁知道呢 |
| [17:14] | You’re like, “Why are you saying this stuff, Tom?” | 你想说”你为什么要说这些呢 汤姆” |
| [17:17] | ‘Cause I’m having fun. | 因为说完了我快乐啊 |
| [17:20] | Because I enjoy upsetting people. | 因为我喜欢把别人搞得心烦意乱 |
| [17:22] | Yeah. I don’t know what it says about me psychologically, | 我不知道心理学怎么定义我这种心态 |
| [17:25] | but there is… I don’t know, there’s, like, a marching band | 但怎么说 有个行进乐队 |
| [17:28] | inside of me right now, going, “Good job, good job.” | 在我心里重复道”干得好 干得好” |
| [17:33] | ‘Cause, internally, I picture somebody | 因为我心里早已预知到 |
| [17:35] | out there going like, “I was having fun… | 有人会说”本来挺有意思的 |
| [17:39] | until he talked about my slut mom.” | 直到他开始拿我妈妈讲荤段子” |
| [17:43] | And it makes me happy. I don’t know. | 这让我非常开心 |
| [17:46] | It’ll upset somebody, | 确实会让一些人感到不舒服 |
| [17:47] | and they’ll try to tell me. | 然后他们会试着告诉我 |
| [17:50] | I say they’ll try to tell me | 他们绝对会试着告诉我 |
| [17:51] | ’cause they’ll send me a message that I’ll never read and… | 因为他们给我发信息而我从没看过 |
| [17:54] | No, no, I used to. I used to read them all. | 不对 不对 我曾经会看 |
| [17:56] | And it took me a long time to figure out | 我花了很久才意识到 |
| [17:59] | you shouldn’t read every message. | 你不需要看完所有信息 |
| [18:00] | I don’t think any performer | 我不认为任何一个表演者 |
| [18:02] | should digest everything sent their way. | 有必要消化掉这些信息 |
| [18:05] | And I didn’t know that for a long time, you know, | 之前我一直都不知道 |
| [18:07] | and I wish I had known that | 我要是早知道就好了 |
| [18:08] | ’cause it kind of gets to you, you know? | 因为这有时确实会干扰到你 |
| [18:10] | The first time I actually got in trouble for saying something | 在五年前 我第一次因为自己的言行 |
| [18:13] | was about five years ago. | 而惹上了麻烦 |
| [18:15] | I got in trouble for saying “Gypsy” on television. | 我在电视上谈论到”吉普赛人”了 |
| [18:19] | Yeah. I didn’t say anything nice about them, so let me… | 没错 我没说他们什么好话 所以让我 |
| [18:23] | rephrase it. | 再讲一遍 |
| [18:24] | I was just like… I was on a show. | 我当时 我当时在一个节目上 |
| [18:26] | I was like, “Who doesn’t hate Gypsies?” | 我说”有谁会不讨厌吉普赛人啊” |
| [18:28] | And then… | 然后 |
| [18:29] | everybody on the show was like, “We’re with you,” but… | 当时每一个人的反应都是”我懂” |
| [18:33] | afterwards, they found out. | 但之后 吉普赛人知道了 |
| [18:36] | And they reached out. | 然后他们联系了我 |
| [18:38] | Like the president of the Gypsies… | 对方是吉普赛人的总统 |
| [18:41] | sent me a message. | 给我发了信息 |
| [18:42] | I guess she stole someone’s phone. | 我猜她可能是偷了谁的手机吧 |
| [18:44] | So she sent me this message. | 然后她给我发了这条信息 |
| [18:51] | We can tell who travels. So, uh… | 能看出这人真是到处游荡呢 |
| [18:54] | she sent me this message. | 她给我发了这条信息 |
| [18:55] | She was like, “You said the G-word on tele–” I was like, “Huh? | 她说”你说了一个吉什么词” 我回”啥 |
| [19:00] | The G-word?” | 吉什么词” |
| [19:02] | I’m a grown man. | 我可是个成年人 |
| [19:03] | And this is over e-mail. | 我们用的还是电邮呢 |
| [19:05] | She’s being a real B-word. And so… | 她表现的像一个婊什么词 |
| [19:08] | I didn’t want to push her, | 但我不想逼她 |
| [19:09] | make her a C-word. You know what I mean? | 逼她变个”泼什么词” 你们懂的 |
| [19:11] | Where my N-words at? All right, well, look… | 我也不打算骂她”黑什么词”呢 |
| [19:15] | Hey, man… | 说真的 |
| [19:16] | it’s modern comedy, get with the program. Now… | 这是现代喜剧 别活在过去了 |
| [19:20] | Then she went on. | 然后她接着说 |
| [19:21] | She goes, “Well, just so you know, | “好吧 就是想告诉你” |
| [19:22] | we’re very proud of our ethnicity.” | “我们为自己的民族感到骄傲” |
| [19:25] | And I was like, “Yeah, you should be. | 我说”没错 你应该骄傲 |
| [19:27] | I mean, you have nothing else. | 你也没什么别的可骄傲的了 |
| [19:31] | I hope you’re good at camping.” | 希望你能习惯露营生活” |
| [19:35] | Hey, I was giving her a compliment. | 我是在给予她赞美 |
| [19:38] | I was saying, “I enjoy your ethnic pride, | 我当时说”我认同你们的民族自豪感 |
| [19:41] | because you’ve earned it.” | 这是你们应得的” |
| [19:42] | And frankly, I don’t think everybody has. All right? | 坦白讲 我不觉得每个人都有这个自信 |
| [19:45] | Every group’s like, “We’re the best.” No, you’re not. | 每个团体都说”我们是最好的” 才不是 |
| [19:48] | It’s impossible for everybody to be the best. | 不可能每个人都是最好的 |
| [19:50] | I’m serious. Every group, they’re like… | 我是认真的 每个团体都像这样 |
| [19:55] | No. I mean, just as an example, okay, | 我举个例子 |
| [19:57] | just to, like, lay this out: | 就是为了解释一下这个 |
| [19:58] | How many people in the room, | 比如 这个屋子里有多少人是 |
| [20:00] | let’s say, are Italian for instance? | 随便说 意大利人 |
| [20:04] | Now, aren’t the rest of you a little sick | 好 你们听见他们这样欢呼 |
| [20:06] | of hearing from them? Like… Right? | 不会觉得有点恶心吗 不是吗 |
| [20:10] | “Hey, we’re the best! Fucking pasta!” | “我们是最牛逼的 老子有意大利面” |
| [20:13] | You’re like, “All right.” So… | 你会觉得”行吧行吧” |
| [20:15] | Pasta’s Chinese. Calm down. Now… | 冷静一下 意大利面是中国菜 |
| [20:19] | Anyways, after that, I kept reading messages. | 在那之后 我还是会读别人的信息 |
| [20:21] | Reading, reading, reading. | 读啊 读啊 读啊 |
| [20:22] | And then a little while ago, I got, in one six-week period, | 然后在不久前 六个星期的时间里 |
| [20:28] | 200,000 e-mails and messages | 我收到了200,000封邮件 |
| [20:32] | just from the state of Louisiana, | 都是从路易斯安那州发来的 |
| [20:34] | over jokes that I had told in a special. Now… | 都是关于我在一期特别节目上讲的笑话 |
| [20:39] | if you don’t know, I had a joke in a previous special… | 你要是不知道 我之前讲的这个笑话 |
| [20:45] | Yeah, it’s fine. | 没关系 |
| [20:50] | It was a very silly joke. | 其实是一个挺傻的笑话 |
| [20:53] | The joke essentially was, I said, “You know what? | 笑话大概是”你知道吗 |
| [20:56] | We should build a wall in this country, | 我们确实应该在国内建一堵墙 |
| [20:57] | but we should build it around that dumb fucking state.” | 但我们应该建在那些脑残州的周围” |
| [21:00] | That was my joke. Now… | 这是我的笑话 |
| [21:02] | Look, I’m so dumb, | 我真傻 真的 |
| [21:04] | I was like, “Everybody will like that joke.” | 我以为”大家都会喜欢这个笑话” |
| [21:06] | No, they don’t. | 但并没有 |
| [21:08] | Not the people you made it about. | 那些被开玩笑的不是太喜欢 |
| [21:11] | I got so many misspelled death threats and, uh… | 我收到了很多错字满篇的死亡威胁 |
| [21:18] | I was like, “Is this Creole? | 我心想”他们在说克里奥尔语吗” |
| [21:19] | What the hell are they trying to tell me?” | 他们是他妈想说什么 |
| [21:25] | I got asked about it so much, I was on the news about it… | 好多人都来问候我 我还因此上了新闻 |
| [21:30] | that I just volunteer it now, okay? | 现在我跟大家说说怎么回事 |
| [21:32] | So here’s the truth. | 说实话 |
| [21:33] | I never would have shit on them as hard as I did | 如果我在那之前去过阿肯色州 |
| [21:37] | if I had been to Arkansas, | 我绝对不会骂他们骂得这么狠 |
| [21:39] | which I now have. | 不过我骂都骂完了 |
| [21:40] | What? What! | 什么玩意 |
| [21:46] | What a fucking dump that place is. | 这又是什么智障地方 |
| [21:52] | I think, when people flush their toilets in Louisiana, | 我猜路易斯安那的人冲厕所时候 |
| [21:55] | it all comes up in Arkansas. It… | 应该都冲到阿肯色去了 |
| [21:58] | It smells like broken dreams and buttholes and… | 那个地方闻起来就像破碎的美国梦一样 |
| [22:03] | a little bit of barbecue, but… | 还有菊花和烧烤的味道 |
| [22:06] | Here’s what’s fascinating. | 真正有意思的是 |
| [22:07] | Most of you will never experience this, | 估计你们有生之年都不会经历这个 |
| [22:10] | but if you ever offend a large group of people, | 但是如果你冒犯到了一大群人 |
| [22:14] | like, let’s say, an entire state… | 比如说 一整个州 |
| [22:18] | you end up learning a lot about them. | 你最后会对他们了如指掌 |
| [22:22] | You don’t want to. | 你不是很想了解 |
| [22:23] | But they insist, so… | 但是他们非要 所以 |
| [22:26] | Yeah. I know everything about Louisiana now. | 我现在知道关于路易斯安那的所有事 |
| [22:30] | It’s the worst. | 这太糟糕了 |
| [22:31] | I’m like an unofficial historian | 我现在就像是一个非官方历史学家 |
| [22:33] | on the place I least want to go to. | 只不过主修的是我最不想去的那个地方 |
| [22:37] | I mean, their state motto runs through my head | 现在我脑子里面全都是他们州的宣传语 |
| [22:40] | like it’s the Dow Jones ticker, all day, every day. | 就像道琼斯股票一样 每天出现在我脑海 |
| [22:44] | It’s “Louisiana, | “这里是路易斯安那 |
| [22:45] | where people smoke in their cars with their babies.” And… | 我们在有婴儿的车里吸烟” |
| [22:54] | Arkansas’s is, “You done with that baby?” So… | 阿肯色的是”你跟那个小孩搞完了吗” |
| [23:02] | “What are you gonna do with it?” | “然后你准备干嘛” |
| [23:03] | “We’re gonna eat it. What do you mean? | “我们要把这个小孩吃了 你想问什么” |
| [23:06] | Sooey!” | [呵斥猪的声音] |
| [23:12] | I also got a lot of messages | 我还收到了很多 |
| [23:15] | from the Down syndrome community. | 从唐氏症群体发来的信息 |
| [23:21] | That was fun. | 真的很有意思 |
| [23:23] | Here’s the truth about that. | 我要说一个事实 |
| [23:24] | People with Down syndrome | 那些得了唐氏症的人 |
| [23:26] | write much more coherently than people from Louisiana. So… | 要比路易斯安那人写东西更通顺 |
| [23:37] | We were able to have a dialogue. | 至少我们能够进行正常的对话 |
| [23:41] | And I think I’ve grown and matured since then. | 而且我觉得在那之后我长大了成熟了 |
| [23:43] | I’m serious. I think I have. | 我说真的 |
| [23:45] | I think, for instance, right now, today, | 我觉得 比方说 现在 |
| [23:48] | I think it is both lazy and antiquated | 我觉得只有又懒又过时的人才会说 |
| [23:51] | to say, “Are you fucking R-worded?” | “你他妈是个蠢货吧” |
| [23:56] | R-E-T-A-R… You get it. | “春虫虫亻七贝” 你知道的 |
| [23:59] | And here’s why. | 为什么这么说呢 |
| [24:00] | I think, when I say that, what I’m trying | 我觉得 当我这样讲的时候 |
| [24:02] | to say is, “Are you an idiot? | 我想说的其实是 “你脑残吗” |
| [24:03] | Are you an imbecile? Are you stupid?” | “你智障吗” “你有病吗” |
| [24:06] | And that is not the right word for that. | 但这都不是最准确的词 |
| [24:08] | The right word for that is “Cajun.” | 准确的词是”卡真人” |
| [24:10] | So that’s what I’m gonna start saying… | 所以从现在开始 |
| [24:13] | from now on. | 我都要这样讲 |
| [24:14] | So fuck you again. | 去你妈的 |
| [24:16] | That’s my point. Now… | 这是我想说的 |
| [24:25] | But I’ll tell you this. I want you to know something. | 但是我要告诉你 你要知道 |
| [24:28] | I am not one of these comedians who goes, | 我和一些喜剧演员不一样 我不会说 |
| [24:30] | “I don’t understand | “不管什么事 |
| [24:31] | why people ever get upset about anything.” | 我搞不懂为什么总有人会不开心” |
| [24:36] | Like the dumbest perspective you can have. | 这观点也太蠢了吧 |
| [24:39] | I totally understand. | 我就完全能够理解 |
| [24:41] | I think you have a right to be offended by whatever offends you, | 我认为每个人都有感到被冒犯的权力 |
| [24:46] | and I think you have a right to express it. | 也同样有权力去把你的感受说出来 |
| [24:49] | I do not think, however, | 但是 我不认为 |
| [24:51] | that you have a right to expect anyone | 你有权力要求任何人 |
| [24:53] | to do anything about it. | 去做任何事来让你满意 |
| [25:01] | Just like if you express any of your other feelings. | 就像你表达任何其他的感受一样 |
| [25:05] | Like if you’re like, “I’m horny. I’m hungry. I’m tired.” | 如果你说”我好饥渴 我好饿 我累了” |
| [25:08] | I’d be like, “Wow, you got a lot of shit going on. | 我会想”哇 你屁事可不少” |
| [25:11] | Sounds like you need to jerk off, | 听起来你需要自己撸一发 |
| [25:13] | eat a sandwich, and take a nap. And… | 然后再吃个三明治 然后再睡一觉 |
| [25:16] | that’s on you. | 这都是你的事 |
| [25:16] | I mean, I’ll give you a little tug to get you started, but… | 我是说 我可以帮你把裤子脱了 但是 |
| [25:20] | I’m not gonna finish.” | 你还是得自己完事 |
| [25:22] | And I also think I should have the right to respond, you know? | 我还认为 我也应该有回应的权力 |
| [25:26] | Yeah, that’s how it should work. | 没错 就是应该这样 |
| [25:27] | I say something, you say something, I say something, | 我说一句 你说一句 我说一句 |
| [25:30] | and it continues. | 这样继续下去 |
| [25:31] | So I’ll say this. | 所以我想说 |
| [25:32] | I am not put out by outraged culture, okay? | 我不会因为有人攻击我就闭嘴 |
| [25:37] | I’m serious. Doesn’t affect me. | 我说真的 这影响不到我 |
| [25:38] | Because I deal with emotionally fragile people every day. | 因为我每天都和心灵脆弱的人打交道 |
| [25:42] | See, I have two kids, and… | 你看 我有两个孩子 然后 |
| [25:46] | they bring me their problems. | 他们屁事儿很多 |
| [25:47] | They do. And I speak to them about them. | 我会跟他们沟通解决问题 |
| [25:49] | I speak to them differently | 但我会用一种不同于现在的语气 |
| [25:50] | than I would normally speak to you. | 来跟他们说话 |
| [25:51] | You know, they’ll come up to me, and my older one will be like… | 他们会来找我 大一点的那个孩子会 |
| [25:57] | “It’s loud… | “那边” |
| [26:00] | “Over there.” | “很吵” |
| [26:02] | And I’ll be like… “Is it? | 然后我说”是吗 |
| [26:05] | Well, then don’t go over there.” | 那就别过去了呗” |
| [26:11] | He goes, “Okay.” | 他说”好吧” |
| [26:13] | And I go, “Okay.” | 我说”很好” |
| [26:15] | And then I go, “Mwah,” and I kiss him on the head. | 然后我就”木马” 亲一下他的额头 |
| [26:19] | And that’s how I’m gonna start speaking to adults | 同理我也是这样对付那些成年人 |
| [26:21] | who tell me they’re offended by jokes | 抱怨在喜剧秀上被冒犯的 |
| [26:23] | during comedy shows. So… | 成年人 所以 |
| [26:30] | The best part is that you don’t have to agree. | 最精髓的部分就是你没必要赞同一切 |
| [26:32] | That’s the great thing about living in this country. | 这也是生活在这个国家的好处之一 |
| [26:34] | You don’t have to agree, but you’ll know where I stand. | 你没必要赞同 但是你会知道我的立场 |
| [26:37] | So if you come up to me, and you’re like, | 所以如果你来找我 对我说 |
| [26:38] | “I was deeply hurt by what you said during your ha-ha show…” | “你在脱口秀上说的话伤害了我” |
| [26:46] | I’ll be like, “Oh, were you? | 我会说”是吗 |
| [26:47] | Well, you should never hear things you don’t like, | 那你就永远别去听你不喜欢的东西 |
| [26:50] | so you stay home now. Mwah.” | 乖乖待在家吧 木马” |
| [26:52] | And I’ll kiss you on the head. | 我也会亲一下你的额头 |
| [26:59] | That being said, do you ever wonder | 话虽这么说 那你们有没有好奇过 |
| [27:01] | what kind of slave owner you would have been? | 自己本来会成为什么样的奴隶主 |
| [27:06] | Not now! | 不是现在哈 |
| [27:08] | I mean, it’s 1831, you’re white, you live… | 我是说1831年 你是白人 你就住在 |
| [27:12] | exactly where you live right now. | 现在住的那个地方 |
| [27:19] | You guys are like, “We don’t want to play this game.” | 你们会说”我们不想玩这个游戏” |
| [27:21] | All right, well… | 好吧 |
| [27:24] | Fuck it, I’ll play. Uh… | 去你的 我要玩 |
| [27:26] | I know how I would have been. | 我知道我本来会成为哪种人 |
| [27:28] | I mean, I love buying cars now. | 因为我现在很喜欢买车 |
| [27:33] | “I know we have three, | “我知道我们已经有三辆了 |
| [27:34] | but look at this fucking guy!” | 但你看这辆多屌” |
| [27:35] | All right, well… | 好吧 |
| [27:37] | Hey, if you didn’t like that joke… | 如果你不喜欢这个玩笑 |
| [27:39] | …don’t think about it. Now… | 就别多想了 |
| [27:43] | Women. | 女人们 |
| [27:47] | Do you feel like you’re almost equal citizens? | 你们是不是感觉自己几乎算是平等公民了 |
| [27:49] | Because you are not. Now… | 因为你们并不是 |
| [27:55] | I’m on your side. | 我站你们这边的 |
| [27:57] | I didn’t say you shouldn’t be. | 我不是说你们”不应该是” |
| [27:59] | I said you’re not, because I have eyes. | 而是说你们”并不是” 因为我不瞎 |
| [28:02] | You’re not. You don’t sense | 你们不是 难道你们没有感受到 |
| [28:04] | the great imbalance that we live with? | 我们生活中极大的不平衡吗 |
| [28:06] | Men get paid more to do the same work that you do. | 同样的工作 男人得到的报酬比女人多 |
| [28:09] | Advantage, men. | 谁占优势 男人 |
| [28:11] | Women get mad at us for things we do in their dreams. | 女人梦到我们在做些啥坏事时而生气 |
| [28:15] | Advantage, women. | 谁占优势 女人 |
| [28:18] | Isn’t that some shit? | 是不是很奇葩 |
| [28:20] | When you’re at breakfast and you’re like, | 你一边吃早餐一边想 |
| [28:22] | “Why is she looking at me like that?” | “她干嘛那样看着我” |
| [28:27] | She’s like, “You were a dick in my dream last night.” | 她说”我昨晚梦到你是个混蛋” |
| [28:31] | And you’re like, “Okay, all right. | 你说”好吧好吧 |
| [28:35] | Are you serious? | 你认真的吗 |
| [28:38] | I would like to apologize… | 我这就道歉 |
| [28:43] | for what I did in your dream last night.” | 为我昨晚在你梦里做的事向你道歉” |
| [28:46] | She’s like, “Thank you.” And you’re like, | 她说”谢了哦” 然后你说 |
| [28:48] | “All right, I’m gonna get the fuck out of here.” | “好了我他妈得溜了” |
| [28:51] | See, I think the power dynamic | 我觉得我们生活中的权力机制 |
| [28:53] | that we live with was set by a man. | 是由男人建立起来的 |
| [28:55] | Obviously. | 很显然 |
| [28:56] | I think he was gonna make it equal. I really believe that. | 我觉得他想要显得公平 我真这么觉得 |
| [28:58] | And I think the day he was going to set it up, | 当他决定建立起这个公平的那天 |
| [29:01] | he was leaving his house, and his wife | 他就要离开他的家了 然后他的老婆 |
| [29:03] | stopped him at the door. And she was like, | 在门口阻止了他 说 |
| [29:05] | “You know, you were titty fucking | “我昨晚梦到的是 |
| [29:07] | a brunette in my dream last night.” | 你和一个褐发女郎乳交” |
| [29:10] | And he was like, “You know what? | 他说”够了 |
| [29:13] | No. | 莫搞了 |
| [29:16] | You’re gonna answer the phones. | 好好接电话啊 |
| [29:17] | That’s what you’re gonna do.” And he walked away. | 这就是你要做的事” 然后他就走了 |
| [29:20] | Okay. | 好吧 |
| [29:22] | Don’t accurately joke about our culture. All right. | 别这么精准地拿我们的文化开玩笑 好吗 |
| [29:30] | Really? | 真的假的 |
| [29:31] | That’s not funny either? | 这也不好笑吗 |
| [29:32] | You don’t think there’s a couple people in here right now | 天知道在座的是不是有很多人在想 |
| [29:34] | who are like, “I do answer the phones.” | “我还真去接电话了” |
| [29:36] | Like, is that funny to you? | 这个你们觉得好笑吧 |
| [29:39] | On Monday, she’ll be like, “Hi, thank you for… | 到了礼拜一她会说”谢谢你 |
| [29:42] | Oh, fuck him. Fuck that guy.” Right? | 噢可去他妈的吧” |
| [29:45] | Sometimes, you witness the power imbalance | 有时候 在怪诞的时尚圈里 |
| [29:50] | play out in front of you | 你也会目睹到 |
| [29:51] | between the genders in a grotesque fashion. | 性别之间的权力失衡 |
| [29:54] | Of course, when I say “the genders,” | 当然 我说的”性别” |
| [29:56] | I am only speaking of two of the several hundred | 仅仅是指目前存在的几百种性别中的 |
| [29:59] | that now exist. | 两种而已 |
| [30:02] | I would like it to be clear where I stand. | 我希望你们能明白我的立场 |
| [30:05] | I have no problem calling anybody anything | 任何人都有权力选择自己 |
| [30:08] | they wish to be called. | 想要的称呼 |
| [30:09] | It is no burden on me. | 我没有任何意见 |
| [30:12] | You can identify as a shoelace if you want to. | 如果你愿意 你可以称自己是一根鞋带 |
| [30:15] | And I will call you Zippedy Zim-zir if you ask me to. | 如果你让我叫你多性人 我也照做 |
| [30:20] | Do I think it’s a little silly? | 这是不是有点沙雕 |
| [30:22] | Yeah. But so is badminton, | 的确 但羽毛球也很沙雕啊 |
| [30:24] | and that’s an Olympic event. | 人家还是奥运赛事呢 |
| [30:25] | You know? So… | 不是吗 |
| [30:30] | Here’s what happened. | 事情是这样的 |
| [30:32] | I was shooting a movie a few months back, | 数月前我在拍一部电影 |
| [30:34] | and one day, we wrapped up kind of early from filmmaking. | 有一天 我们拍摄结束得比较早 |
| [30:37] | It was late afternoon. | 快到傍晚了 |
| [30:38] | And I walk off set, and I notice there’s a bar across the street. | 我在散步的时候发现街对面有家酒吧 |
| [30:42] | I go, “I’m gonna walk into this bar, | 我就打算去酒吧里 |
| [30:43] | have a drink, go back to the hotel.” | 喝杯酒 然后回酒店 |
| [30:46] | Simple enough, right? | 够简单了 是吗 |
| [30:47] | I walk in, I see a woman seated at the bar, | 我走进去 看见一个女人坐在吧台 |
| [30:51] | doing what I can only describe as weird shit. | 做着只能用”奇葩”来形容的动作 |
| [30:56] | If you’re like, “What do you mean, Tom?” | 如果你问我”汤姆 这啥意思啊” |
| [30:58] | Well, I think there’s a normal spectrum of behavior | 我觉得你在酒吧里看到人的动作 |
| [31:02] | that you see from one seated at a bar. | 是有一个正常的范围的 |
| [31:04] | You know, if you see them seated there, | 如果你看到他们坐在这里 |
| [31:06] | you might see them go like this, | 可能是看到他们这样 |
| [31:08] | or, like, “Hey,” | 或者这样 |
| [31:09] | or maybe even… | 甚至可能是 |
| [31:13] | This lady is seated at the bar, and she’s going… | 这位女士坐在吧台是这样的 |
| [31:23] | I’m like, “Is she making fudge? What is she doing over there?” | 她是在做软糖吗 她到底在那干嘛 |
| [31:27] | I also noticed it late. | 我是后来才注意到的 |
| [31:29] | Like, I noticed it as I’m walking past it. | 我走过去经过的时候才注意到 |
| [31:31] | That happens sometimes, right? | 这种事不时会发生的嘛 |
| [31:32] | Like you walk, you see something as you’re passing it. | 你在路上走着时候看到某个事物 |
| [31:35] | You’re like, “That’s some crazy shit,” and you keep walking. | “那是个什么鬼玩意” 然后你继续走 |
| [31:37] | And then you’re like, “I need to see that again. | 你会想 我得再回去看看 |
| [31:40] | I don’t know how I’m gonna see it again.” | 但我该怎么优雅地回去看呢 |
| [31:50] | Now I’m dead center, | 让后我就看清楚了 |
| [31:51] | and I see that a woman, to be clear, | 说得清楚一点 我看到的是个女的 |
| [31:53] | is in public, 4:30 in the afternoon, | 在下午4点30分的大庭广众之下 |
| [31:57] | and she is sitting there fucking… | 正坐在那 |
| [32:03] | Peeling her potato. I don’t know. Um… | 削她的土豆呢 我不知道怎么说 |
| [32:06] | Playing with her pussy. You know what I’m trying to say. | 跟自己的小妹妹玩 你们懂我的意思 |
| [32:09] | And she is not hot, if you’re wondering. | 如果你们好奇 她长得不好看 |
| [32:13] | If you’re like, “Was she super hot?” | 你们问”她是不是超正点” |
| [32:16] | No, she wasn’t. | 不 一点都不 |
| [32:17] | And because of that, I tattletaled immediately. | 正因为她不好看 我立马举报了她 |
| [32:22] | You know what’s up. So… | 你们懂的 所以 |
| [32:25] | I go to the bouncer. I go, “Excuse me. | 我找了保安 我说”打扰一下 |
| [32:30] | That not-model over there… | 那边那个丑女 |
| [32:34] | is diddling herself at the bar.” | 在吧台自慰” |
| [32:37] | And this big, yoked dude looked, and he goes… | 然后这位健壮的大个子看了一眼 他就 |
| [32:44] | I go, “Yeah, talk to her.” And he goes, “Mm-mm.” | 我说”你去跟她谈谈啊” 他摇摇头 |
| [32:50] | I’m like, “Excuse me?” | 我说”你在开玩笑吗” |
| [32:52] | He goes, “I don’t want anything to do with that shit.” | 他说”我可不想扯上那种破事” |
| [32:56] | I’m like, “I don’t think anybody does. | 我说”换了谁都不想 |
| [32:58] | There’s a woman masturbating at the bar.” | 有个女人在吧台那里手淫哎 |
| [33:01] | He’s like… | 他就 |
| [33:02] | Like he’s put out by my outrageous request. | 就像被我的无礼要求激怒了似的 |
| [33:07] | He’s like, “All right, man, Jesus Christ.” | 他说”那好吧 马勒戈壁” |
| [33:10] | So he gets up, he walks, like, | 然后他站起来 走过去 |
| [33:12] | halfway there, turns around, | 走到一半 转了回来 |
| [33:14] | he goes, “Yeah, I couldn’t do it, man.” | 他说”不行 臣妾做不到” |
| [33:18] | I go, “You have to.” | 我说”你必须去” |
| [33:20] | So he calls over the hostess. | 他就把老板娘叫了过来 |
| [33:22] | This cute little 22-year-old that’s like, “What’s up, guys?” | 这个22岁的小可爱过来问”怎么了” |
| [33:26] | He goes, “Handle that.” | 他说”解决一下” |
| [33:27] | She’s like, “Okay.” | 她说”好的” |
| [33:29] | She goes over there, super polite, which is fucked up… | 当时那种情况 她彬彬有礼地去找她 |
| [33:35] | considering the circumstances. | 这非常不妥吧 |
| [33:37] | I can’t hear her, but I can read her body language. | 我虽然听不到 但我能读懂她的肢体语言 |
| [33:40] | She’s like, “Hi.” | 她说”亲” |
| [33:43] | And she’s like, “Everybody can see you.” | “大家都在围观你哦” |
| [33:49] | And then she goes, “Stop it. | 然后她说”别摸了 |
| [33:53] | Stop.” | 停下” |
| [33:55] | And she goes, “You promise?” | 她说”要保证哦” |
| [33:58] | Then she goes, “Thank you.” | 然后她说”谢谢亲” |
| [34:01] | And she comes back, and she goes, “She’s stopped.” | 她回来后说”她停下了” |
| [34:04] | I’m like, “She finished, or she stopped?” | 我问”她到底是完事了还是停下了” |
| [34:09] | She goes, “She stopped.” | 她说”停下了” |
| [34:10] | And I go. “Okay.” I’m like, “Wait, is she allowed to stay?” | 我说”好吧 等等 她还能继续待在这吗” |
| [34:14] | And she goes, “Yeah.” | 她说”是啊” |
| [34:17] | I go, “Why?” | 我问”凭什么” |
| [34:19] | And she goes, “Because she stopped.” | 她说”因为她停下了啊” |
| [34:21] | I go, “I’m sorry, would I be allowed to stay… | 我说”如果是我的话还能继续待这吗 |
| [34:25] | if I was just sitting at your bar, | 如果我坐在你的酒吧里 |
| [34:27] | just kind of toying with the top? | 玩弄我的小老二 |
| [34:29] | You know, like… | 像这样 |
| [34:38] | Would you tap me on the shoulder and be like, ‘Excuse me. | 你是不是会拍拍我的肩膀说’打扰一下 |
| [34:41] | Will you put your leaky dick back in your pants? | 能把你湿漉漉的老二放回裤子里吗 |
| [34:46] | Thanks. You want some chicken fingers | 谢谢配合 那要不要来点鸡柳 |
| [34:48] | or a Sprite or something?'” | 或者雪碧什么的'” |
| [34:50] | I say, “You’d call the SWAT team, | 我说”你应该打给特警队 |
| [34:52] | and they would rappel into the building. | 然后他们从天而降突袭进楼 |
| [34:54] | Someone would crack my fucking head on the side of the bar, | 抓着我的头猛撞吧台边缘 |
| [34:58] | and you’d have a parade as my corpse was carried out.” | 在我尸体被抬出来时候你们就开始庆祝” |
| [35:02] | And she goes, “You’re right about that.” | 然后她说”你说得没错” |
| [35:07] | Maybe I’m overreacting. I don’t know. | 也许我反应过度了 我也不清楚 |
| [35:10] | I don’t jerk off in bars. | 反正我不会在酒吧打飞机 |
| [35:13] | Years ago, I wouldn’t find it necessary to make that statement, | 很多年前 我觉得我没必要这么说 |
| [35:16] | but in light of all the recent scandals, | 但是鉴于最近的丑闻 |
| [35:19] | I don’t jerk off in bars. Now… | 我不会在酒吧打飞机 |
| [35:22] | It’s another reason | 这是另一个原因 |
| [35:23] | I stopped reading messages from people. | 我为什么不读别人的信息了 |
| [35:25] | I keep getting messages all the time. | 我总是收到信息 |
| [35:27] | People were like, “Hi, big fan. | 有人会说”嗨 我是你的铁粉 |
| [35:28] | Uh, don’t sexually assault anyone | 但是不要再性骚扰别人了 |
| [35:31] | so I can still be your fan.” | 这样的话 我还能继续当你的粉丝” |
| [35:35] | Huh? | 啥 |
| [35:37] | First of all, ride or die, bitch. | 首先 不喜欢就滚 贱人 |
| [35:42] | Yeah. | 对 |
| [35:49] | I don’t want no half-steppers in my crew. | 我的队伍里不需要这种半吊子 |
| [35:52] | Secondly… | 其次 |
| [35:54] | what am I supposed to write back? | 这要我怎么回复啊 |
| [35:56] | “Good looking out, bro. | “真谢谢你提醒啊 哥们儿 |
| [35:59] | I was about to | 如果不是看到你的邮件 |
| [36:00] | until I read your e-mail, Kyle.” | 我还打算这么干呢 凯尔” |
| [36:05] | Fuck you, Kyle. | 去你的 凯尔 |
| [36:08] | You don’t have to worry about me. | 别瞎操心 |
| [36:10] | I don’t jerk off in public. | 我不会在公共场合打飞机的 |
| [36:12] | It’s not what I’m into. | 我不喜欢这样 |
| [36:14] | I’m into something else. | 我喜欢别的 |
| [36:16] | Here’s what it is. | 比如说在这里 |
| [36:21] | You guys are like, “Okay…” Yeah! | 你们这些人就像在说”我懂我懂” |
| [36:24] | If you ever want to hear me masturbate… | 如果你们想听我打飞机 |
| [36:28] | all you have to do is call me and tell me | 只需要给我打给电话告诉我 |
| [36:31] | you can’t make it to our dinner plans. | 你们不能来参加聚餐了 |
| [36:35] | I’ll start stroking right then and there. | 我会立马开干 |
| [36:39] | I am not social. I fucking love that call. | 因为我讨厌社交 这种取消计划的电话 |
| [36:42] | That is my favorite call. I lo– | 是我的最爱 |
| [36:44] | Especially if it’s as I’m leaving the house, | 尤其是当我正要出门的时候 |
| [36:47] | I’m gonna have multiple orgasms, okay? | 我一定会爽翻天的 好吗 |
| [36:49] | When I’m walking out of the house, and I’m like, | 当我出门的时候 我会想 |
| [36:51] | “I don’t want to fucking go out with them,” | “我他妈不想和他们出去啊” |
| [36:53] | and then they call and they’re like, “We can’t make it,” | 然后他们打过来说”我们来不了” |
| [36:55] | I’m like, “Keep talking. | 我会说”接着说 |
| [36:59] | Why, why, why, why, why, why, why?” | 为啥 为啥 为啥 为啥 为啥” |
| [37:03] | “Well, we were in a car accident.” | “那个 我们出车祸了” |
| [37:04] | I’m like, “Oh. | 我会说”噢 |
| [37:08] | Are you okay? | 你们没事儿吧 |
| [37:09] | You are, | 你们没事儿 |
| [37:10] | but you’re still not coming to dinner. | 但是你们还是来不了聚餐了 |
| [37:11] | Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.” | 好嘞 好嘞 好嘞 好嘞” |
| [37:15] | “All right, clean it up, Tom.” You got it. So… | “好了 收拾干净 汤姆” 你可以的 |
| [37:19] | So I’m a dad. | 我呢 是个当爸爸的人了 |
| [37:20] | And, uh… | 然后 |
| [37:24] | I, um… I’ve changed some. | 我做出了一些改变 |
| [37:27] | Not too much. You have to change a little bit. | 不是特别多 但总得有点改变 |
| [37:29] | You know, there’s an expression | 人们常说 |
| [37:31] | “Having kids changes you.” | “有了小孩会改变你” |
| [37:32] | I think… Personally, | 我觉得 我个人来说 |
| [37:33] | I think it should be modified | 我觉得这个说法需要改变一下 |
| [37:35] | to, “Having kids should change you.” | 改成”有了小孩后你肯定会被改变” |
| [37:38] | It’s a big-time red flag | 这是个很严重的危险信号 |
| [37:39] | when you meet somebody who’s like, | 如果你遇到这样的人 |
| [37:41] | “Yeah, I’ve had four kids. I haven’t changed at all.” | “我有四个小孩 但是我一点都没变” |
| [37:43] | You’re like, | 然后你会说 |
| [37:43] | “You’re super unstable. That’s good to know.” | “你超级不稳定的 挺好挺好” |
| [37:46] | They don’t have to be huge changes. | 其实也不需要有很大的改变 |
| [37:48] | But, you know, you kind of evaluate your life | 但是你得评估你的生活 |
| [37:51] | and you make a change. | 然后作出相应的改变 |
| [37:52] | Me, personally, | 我个人觉得 |
| [37:53] | I’m very proud of what I changed. | 我为我自己做出的改变而骄傲 |
| [37:55] | I realized when I had kids, | 当我有了小孩我意识到 |
| [37:57] | I had no time, no energy. | 我没有时间 我没有精力 |
| [38:00] | I need to edit something out of my life. | 我需要从我的生活中剔除一些东西 |
| [38:01] | You know what I edited out of my life? | 你知道我从我的生活剔除了什么吗 |
| [38:03] | Arguing with everyone. | 和别人争论 |
| [38:05] | Every friend, every family member. | 我所有的朋友 所有的家庭成员 |
| [38:07] | I just don’t engage. | 我都不会去争论 |
| [38:08] | As soon as it starts, I flip it on them, okay? | 一旦争论开始 我就会把问题抛回去 |
| [38:10] | As soon as I’m arguing with somebody, | 一旦我开始和别人争论 |
| [38:12] | and they’re like, | 然后他们会说 |
| [38:13] | “Yeah, I don’t really agree with you,” | “我真的没法同意你的观点” |
| [38:14] | I go, “Yep. I’m on your side now.” | 然后我说”好嘞 我现在站你这一边了” |
| [38:17] | They’re like, “What?” | 他们会说”啥玩意儿” |
| [38:18] | I go, “As soon as you spoke, | 我说”在你开口的时候 |
| [38:20] | I came around and joined you. | 我就已经加入你们了 |
| [38:22] | That’s how little I want to talk to you.” | 我就是不想和你们说话而已” |
| [38:26] | And I’m free. It feels great. Now… | 然后我就自由了 这感觉贼棒 |
| [38:30] | Not everybody likes it. | 不是每个人都喜欢这样 |
| [38:31] | I’ll tell you, my own mother is not a fan. | 我会告诉你 我妈就不喜欢这样 |
| [38:34] | She lives for arguing. | 她一辈子都在争吵 |
| [38:36] | There are some people built like that. | 有一些人就是这样的 |
| [38:38] | She lives for, you know, combative things. | 她一辈子就是 特喜欢抬杠 |
| [38:41] | She wants to just fucking stab and twist, turn. | 她就想去吵 去争 去扭曲和转化别人 |
| [38:43] | She loves it. | 她就爱这样 |
| [38:46] | She’s also a dream crusher, which is… | 她还是个梦想粉碎者 这简直是 |
| [38:49] | my least favorite quality in a human being. | 我最讨厌的人类品行 |
| [38:52] | You know a dream crusher? | 你们知道那种梦想粉碎者吗 |
| [38:53] | The person who, no matter what you say | 就是那种无论你说 |
| [38:55] | you want to do or try, they’re like, | 你想尝试什么 他们都会这样说 |
| [39:00] | “Not you.” | “你不行” |
| [39:01] | And you’re like, “It’s good to have you around,” you know? | 然后你会说”真谢你全家呢” |
| [39:04] | Those stay with you. Right? | 这些人就在我们周围 不是吗 |
| [39:05] | I bet you me just bringing it up | 我打赌我一提到这个 |
| [39:07] | brings them to your own memory. | 就会勾起你们对这些人的回忆 |
| [39:09] | That’s how powerful they are. I remember… | 这就是他们的威力 我记得 |
| [39:11] | I do remember telling her, | 我记得很清楚当我告诉她 |
| [39:12] | “I’m going to LA to do stand-up.” | “我要去洛杉矶做单口相声” |
| [39:14] | This is years ago, I said it to her | 这是很多年前 我和她说 |
| [39:15] | “I’m going to LA to do stand-up.” | “我要去洛杉矶做单口相声” |
| [39:17] | Her response was… “You should go to the post office.” | 她的回应是”你应该去邮局” |
| [39:23] | I was so naive. I was like, | 我当时还很天真地以为 |
| [39:25] | “They do stand-up shows at the post office?” | “邮局有做单口相声的吗” |
| [39:28] | She goes… “No, to work.” | 她说”不 是让你去上班” |
| [39:30] | I was like, “Oh, no, stand-up would be the work.” | 我说”不 单口相声就是我要的工作” |
| [39:32] | And she goes… “I understand.” | 然后她说”我懂” |
| [39:34] | I was like, “Wait a minute. | 我说”等一下 |
| [39:35] | Am I telling you my dream, | 我在和你说我的梦想 |
| [39:37] | and then you’re saying, ‘Go be a mailman’?” | 然后你告诉我’去当一个邮递员'” |
| [39:40] | And she was like… “Yes.” | 接着她说”是的” |
| [39:43] | Okay. Now I do all right. | 好吧 现在我做这个做的挺好的 |
| [39:44] | You know, I make a good living. She knows about it. | 你们知道 我生活得很好 她也知道 |
| [39:46] | Obviously. She hits me up for shit constantly, but… | 她常和我联系 但是 |
| [39:50] | I still get to have some fun. | 我还是能找到乐子 |
| [39:51] | Like, do you know what I sent my mother | 比如 你们知道几周前 |
| [39:53] | just a few weeks ago for her 75th birthday? | 我给我妈送了什么作为她75岁生日礼物吗 |
| [39:57] | A book of fucking stamps. And… | 一册邮票 然后 |
| [40:01] | I put a little note in there. | 我附上了一个小的纸条 |
| [40:03] | “I got these at work today.” | “我今天工作的时候弄到这些的” |
| [40:05] | Like that. | 就这样 |
| [40:07] | Yeah. | 没错 |
| [40:13] | Don’t feel badly. She gets hooked up. So… | 别觉得这样不好 她老喜欢了 所以 |
| [40:16] | Yeah, she’s such a dick, but… | 是的 她就是个混球 但 |
| [40:20] | She is. | 她就是 |
| [40:21] | I don’t like that dream-crushing shit. I really don’t. | 我不喜欢那种终结别人梦想的事儿 真的 |
| [40:24] | I’m the opposite. | 我正好相反 |
| [40:25] | I’m a dream encourager. | 我是个梦想激励者 |
| [40:26] | If you come to me with a crazy idea, | 如果你来找我说一些很疯狂的点子 |
| [40:29] | then I’ll really celebrate, okay? | 我会祝福你的 真的 |
| [40:31] | I love people who have just outrageous dreams. | 我喜欢那种有着疯狂梦想的人 |
| [40:35] | I’ve put that out there now. | 自从我公开这理念以来 |
| [40:36] | Now people walk up to me all the time, | 来找我的人开始络绎不绝 |
| [40:38] | like, “I want to open a hot dog stand | 说”我想要开一个 |
| [40:39] | where you can buy boots.” | 可以买到靴子的热狗摊” |
| [40:41] | I’m like, “All right, let’s figure it out.” | 我会说”好啊 我们来想想怎么搞” |
| [40:45] | I like it, and I’ll tell you this, | 我喜欢这样 而且我会告诉你 |
| [40:47] | I want you to have crazy dreams. | 我支持你能有疯狂的梦想 |
| [40:48] | I’m serious. I really do. | 我认真的 |
| [40:50] | I’ll give you the best advice, sincerely, not a joke, | 我会给你最好的建议 不开玩笑 |
| [40:53] | that I ever got about pursuing a dream. | 我会给你最好的建议去追梦 |
| [40:56] | And I hope it applies to all of you, okay? | 我希望这适用于你们所有人 |
| [40:58] | Here’s the truth. I think– This is true. | 事实是这样的 我觉得 这是真的 |
| [41:01] | As long as you accept that your dream | 一旦你接受了你的梦想 |
| [41:04] | might not go exactly as you plan, | 可能不会和你的计划相匹配 |
| [41:07] | you will still feel fulfilled | 你仍然会因追求梦想 |
| [41:09] | by the pursuit of your dream. | 而感到满足 |
| [41:10] | So always go after whatever you want to do. | 所以你想干什么就干什么 |
| [41:12] | Otherwise, what’s the point in living, right? | 不然的话 活着有什么意思呢 是吧 |
| [41:15] | Yeah. | 是啊 |
| [41:19] | Now, to further that point, | 现在 为了进一步阐述观点 |
| [41:22] | I’ll tell you this. | 我跟你捯饬捯饬 |
| [41:23] | I remember, two years ago, I’m sitting at a café | 我记得两年前 我在一个洛杉矶的咖啡厅 |
| [41:26] | in Los Angeles for lunch. | 吃午餐 |
| [41:28] | I sit down. | 我坐下 |
| [41:29] | As I sit down, | 当我坐下的时候 |
| [41:30] | my friend, I can hear her audibly say, | 朋友们 我能清晰地听见她说 |
| [41:31] | “I can’t believe I’m thinking that.” | “我不敢相信我这么想了” |
| [41:33] | And I go, “Thinking what?” | 然后我说”想什么了” |
| [41:34] | And she goes, “Oh, nothing.” | 然后她说”噢 没啥” |
| [41:36] | I go, “What is it?” | 我说”到底是什么” |
| [41:36] | She goes, “It’s embarrassing.” | 她说”这有点难为情” |
| [41:38] | And I go, “Just tell me.” | 然后我说”尽管告诉我” |
| [41:39] | She goes, “If I tell you, you’ll make fun of me.” | 她说”如果我告诉你了 你会嘲笑我的” |
| [41:41] | And I go, “I always make fun of you. Just say it.” | 然后我说”我肯定会笑你的 说吧” |
| [41:44] | She goes, “It’s just something I want to keep inside.” | 她说”这事儿我还是想藏心里” |
| [41:46] | I go, “You said you want to do it. | 我说”你说了你想做这件事儿 |
| [41:47] | So say it, then you can make it happen.” | 所以说出来 然后实现它” |
| [41:49] | She goes, “I don’t want to.” | 她说”我不想说” |
| [41:50] | I go, “Listen, if you don’t put it out in the universe, | 我说”如果你不说出来 |
| [41:52] | it’ll never happen. | 它永远都没法儿实现 |
| [41:53] | You’ve gotta say it. What is it?” | 你得说出来 到底是什么” |
| [41:54] | And she goes, “Okay. | 接着她说”好吧 |
| [41:56] | I want to blow somebody in the Wu-Tang Clan.” | 我想要给武当帮的人吹喇叭” |
| [42:06] | Now, I immediately think… | 当时 我就在想 |
| [42:09] | “What would my mom say?” You know? | “我妈会怎么回应” 你们懂吗 |
| [42:11] | And I tell myself, “Don’t be like Mom. | 然后我告诉我自己”别像我妈一样 |
| [42:15] | This is this girl’s dream.” | 这可是女孩儿的梦想啊” |
| [42:22] | So I look her dead in her eyes… | 所以我死死地盯着她的眼睛 |
| [42:24] | and I go, “You should try. | 然后我说”你试试吧 |
| [42:28] | There’s a bunch of them.” That’s what I said. Now… | 他们有好多人呢” 这就是我说的 |
| [42:34] | Three months later… | 然后三个月过去了 |
| [42:37] | she got on their tour bus… | 她跳上了武当帮的巡演大巴 |
| [42:39] | and she told them, | 然后把这件事儿告诉了他们 |
| [42:40] | and guess what? | 然后猜猜发生了啥 |
| [42:42] | They all accepted. | 他们都接受了 |
| [42:49] | If you are not familiar, | 如果你不认识武当帮 |
| [42:51] | there are nine guys… in the Wu-Tang Clan. | 武当帮里可是有九个成员啊 |
| [42:56] | Nine. | 九个 |
| [42:58] | So many guys. | 好多人 |
| [43:01] | That’s so many | 真的很多 |
| [43:02] | Can we park for a moment… | 我们先好好思考一下 |
| [43:05] | at how many dicks nine is? | 九个人有多少小鸡鸡啊 |
| [43:08] | I don’t even understand how anyone’s | 我甚至不理解怎么现在还有人 |
| [43:10] | sitting in their seat right now. | 还能坐得住 |
| [43:13] | There’s people out here like, | 有人在那说 |
| [43:14] | “Hmm, what else you got?” Are you shitting me? | “你还有些啥本事” 你在逗我吗 |
| [43:17] | That’s not a lot? | 还不够多吗 |
| [43:18] | Close your eyes… | 闭上你们的眼睛 |
| [43:21] | and picture nine dicks. | 想象下九个小鸡鸡 |
| [43:24] | You’re like, “God, they’re everywhere.” | 你大概会”天呐 它们无处不在” |
| [43:25] | Yeah, ’cause there’s nine of them. That’s why. | 对啊 因为总共有九个 这就是原因 |
| [43:30] | I’m not slut-shaming. | 我不是在羞辱荡妇 |
| [43:31] | I’m saying, objectively, nine is a lot of anything. | 客观来说 任何事物有九个已经很多了 |
| [43:37] | Like, if I was like, “I had cinnamon rolls today.” | 比如我说”我今天吃了肉桂卷” |
| [43:41] | And you’re like, “How many did you have?” | 然后你就问”你吃了多少” |
| [43:44] | “I had nine.” | “我吃了九个” |
| [43:51] | “You need me to take you to the emergency room or…? | “要我带你去急诊室吗 不然 |
| [43:55] | You’re gonna lose a foot by the morning. We should go.” | 你明早就会失去一只脚了 我们该走了” |
| [43:58] | Nine dicks? | 九个鸡鸡 |
| [44:00] | Are you fucking shitting me? | 你他妈在跟我开玩笑吗 |
| [44:02] | Some of you, it took you 15 years to get to nine dicks. | 有些人要花十五年才能集齐九个鸡鸡 |
| [44:06] | This was a Thursday for this young lady. | 这个年轻小姑娘一个星期四就够了 |
| [44:13] | Try to imagine | 试着想象一下 |
| [44:15] | the physical labor involved… | 得付出多少体力劳动呀 |
| [44:19] | with blowing nine probably not small dicks. | 给九个体积肯定不小的鸡鸡都口完 |
| [44:26] | If you’re not aware, the Wu-Tang fellas | 可能你们没注意到 武当派里那些小伙 |
| [44:28] | don’t look like me, all right? | 长得和我不一样呀 |
| [44:33] | That is some CrossFit shit at that level. | 他们是那种健美类水准的 |
| [44:37] | If you think burpees are rough, try… | 如果你认为波比跳很难 试试 |
| [44:41] | “Am I doing good? | “我做得好吗 |
| [44:45] | Do you like me now?” | 你现在喜欢我吗” |
| [44:49] | After how many do you think she was like, | 口完几个以后可能她就说 |
| [44:51] | “Let’s take a little break for a second. | “我们休息一下吧” |
| [44:58] | What the fuck am I doing? | 我他妈在干什么 |
| [45:02] | Why are they so mean about it? | 他们怎么这么刻薄 |
| [45:08] | How many is that? | 现在几个了 |
| [45:09] | Four! Fuck! | 四个 操 |
| [45:13] | Am I done?” | 我做完了吗 |
| [45:14] | And they’re like, “No, you’re not done! | 然后他们会说”没呢 还早呢 |
| [45:17] | U-God, RZA, Rae, Ghost, Meth. No, you’re not done!” | U-神 RZA 雷 鬼面 毒哥 还没口完呢” |
| [45:25] | She’s like, “But my neck hurts.” | 她就会这样”但我的脖子很疼” |
| [45:28] | And they’re like, “You’ve got to protect | 他们说”你得保护你的脖子 |
| [45:29] | ya neck. Don’t you listen to our music?” | 你不听我们的音乐吗” |
| [45:38] | Yes. Yes. | 是的 是的 |
| [45:40] | That is a top-shelf Wu-Tang blowjob joke. Now… | 这就是个顶级武当派口交笑话 |
| [45:45] | She was a real animal, you know. | 她真的是个禽兽 直达吗 |
| [45:48] | I asked her one time, I was like, | 我有次问她 |
| [45:49] | “If you could go back to that day | “如果你可以回到那一天 |
| [45:51] | and do anything differently, what would you have done?” | 并且可以做些不一样的事 你会做什么” |
| [45:54] | And she said, “I’d have skipped lunch.” So… | 然后她说”我会不吃午饭” |
| [45:58] | Yeah. | 是的 |
| [46:01] | Philly girl, what are you gonna do? Now… | 费城女孩 你会怎么做 现在 |
| [46:06] | What were we talking about before? Oh, yeah, my mom. So… | 我们之前在聊什么 对了 我妈妈 |
| [46:11] | Here’s how I stopped arguing with her. | 这是我与她停止争吵的方法 |
| [46:13] | I hope, if you’re in a similar situation with a parent, | 我希望 如果你和你家长有相似的情况 |
| [46:17] | you have an epiphany the way I did. | 你和我一样灵光一闪 |
| [46:19] | Here’s the circumstance, right? She calls me, late last year. | 情况是这样 她在去年年尾给我打电话 |
| [46:22] | There were fires in LA. And she goes… “Tommy…” | 洛杉矶发生火灾了 她说”汤姆” |
| [46:26] | She’s not local, if you don’t know yet. | 她不是本地人 如果你们不知道的话 |
| [46:29] | If you’re like, “Why does she talk so fucking weird?” Uh… | 如果你心想”为什么她说话这么奇怪” |
| [46:32] | She’s from South America. | 她来自南美洲 |
| [46:34] | Peru, to be specific. Okay. | 秘鲁 具体来说 好的 |
| [46:36] | So she calls me, and she goes, “Tommy…” | 所以 她打电话给我 跟我说 “汤姆” |
| [46:40] | And I go, “Yeah?” | 我问”怎么了” |
| [46:41] | She goes, “The fires, they are bad?” | 她说”这些火灾 它们好坏坏” |
| [46:43] | And I go, “Yeah. | 然后我说”是的 |
| [46:46] | Usually they’re good, but this is a bad one.” | 通常它们是好的 但这次是坏的” |
| [46:52] | And she goes, “People are dying?” | 然后她说”有人会死吗” |
| [46:55] | I go, “If they’re in the fire, yeah. | 我说”如果他们在火中 是的 |
| [46:58] | It’s fire.” | 这可是火灾” |
| [47:00] | And she lives in Florida, so she goes, | 她住在佛罗里达州 所以她说 |
| [47:02] | “You have fires, we have hurricanes. | “你那里有火灾 我这里有飓风 |
| [47:08] | People are dying everywhere.” | 到处都有人面临死亡” |
| [47:10] | And I go, “Sounds like you have the news on. | 然后我说”看来你那消息挺灵通呢 |
| [47:12] | Is there anything else you want to report?” | 还有什么你想要报道的吗” |
| [47:15] | And she goes, “I think it’s happening for a reason.” | 她说”我认为它们的发生是有原因的” |
| [47:18] | And I go, “It is. They’re called weather patterns.” | 我回答”是啊 这就是气象” |
| [47:21] | And she goes, “No. | 她说道”不 |
| [47:23] | I think God is trying to send us… | 我认为上帝在向我们传送 |
| [47:26] | a message.” | 一种信息” |
| [47:29] | That’s what I do. I go… | 我就给了这反应 |
| [47:33] | I go, “What’s the message?” | 我说”什么信息” |
| [47:34] | She goes, “I think he’s trying to tell us to be better people.” | 她说”我觉得他想告诉我们做最好的自己” |
| [47:38] | You know when somebody says something, | 你知道有时候别人说了一些事 |
| [47:41] | and you can feel with certainty | 你可以明确感觉到 |
| [47:43] | that you’re gonna argue with them? | 你们可能会吵起来吗 |
| [47:46] | Like, as words leave their lips, | 就像 当话一出口 |
| [47:48] | you’re like, “I’m gonna light you up pretty hard.” | 你就会”我要给你点颜色看看” |
| [47:54] | I could feel seething anger growing, | 我可以感受到怒火中烧 |
| [47:57] | and I could hear my own argument | 我可以听到我脑海中的争论 |
| [47:59] | in my head. I could hear my own voice say, | 我可以听到我自己在说 |
| [48:01] | “You mean to tell me that our all-knowing | “你想告诉我 我们无所不知 |
| [48:04] | and all-loving and all-present God | 博爱且无所不在的上帝 |
| [48:06] | is setting people on fire… | 把人们置于火海之中 |
| [48:09] | and drowning them in hurricanes so that we hug more? | 丧命于飓风之中 好让我们能多拥抱 |
| [48:13] | This is the stupidest shit I have ever heard in my entire life.” | 这是我这辈子听过的最蠢的话” |
| [48:21] | But… | 但是 |
| [48:23] | right before I said it, I had that moment. | 在我说之前 我停了下 |
| [48:26] | I had that thought where I go, “What is the point? | 我想了想”有什么用呢” |
| [48:28] | Why argue with this demon woman?” | 为什么要和这个像恶魔一样的女人争吵 |
| [48:31] | You know? | 你懂吗 |
| [48:32] | “Just let Lucifer’s sister have her way. | “就让路西法的姐妹做她想做的吧 |
| [48:37] | You’re not gonna change her mind.” | 你不可能改变她的想法” |
| [48:39] | So, for the first time in my life, I took a deep breath, | 所以我人生中第一次做了个深呼吸 |
| [48:42] | and I just went, “Yeah. | 然后说道”是啊 |
| [48:45] | I can see why he would do that. | 我可以理解他为什么这样做 |
| [48:48] | Hope he stops killing us.” | 希望他能停止杀人” |
| [48:52] | And she knew. She goes, “What?” | 她听懂了 她说”啥” |
| [48:58] | I go, “You make a good point,” | 我说”你说得有道理” |
| [48:59] | and she goes, “Why are you doing this?” | 她说”你为什么要这样做” |
| [49:03] | Why are you… Meaning, “Why aren’t you arguing with me?” | 为什么意思是”为什么你不和我争论” |
| [49:06] | I go, “Mom, I don’t know. Who cares? | 我说”妈妈 我不知道 不重要 |
| [49:09] | You’re right. I’m wrong. So what?” | 你是对的 我错了 又能怎样” |
| [49:11] | And she goes, “Tommy, do you know what?” | 她说”汤姆你知道吗” |
| [49:13] | I go, “What?” | 我说”什么” |
| [49:14] | She goes, “I always knew you were a little bitch, Tommy.” | 她说”我一直就知道你是个小贱人 汤姆” |
| [49:21] | And I go, “What?” | 我说”什么” |
| [49:24] | And she goes, “Chao, puto,” and she hung up the phone. | 她说”拜拜了弱智” 然后她挂断了电话 |
| [49:32] | That’s my mother. | 这就是我妈 |
| [49:35] | Okay, here’s how I got her back. It’s pretty fun. Uh… | 好了 这就是我怎么怼她的 很有趣 |
| [49:38] | I never curse her out. | 我从来没骂过她 |
| [49:39] | As much as I say crazy things, I never curse… | 我的确说过很多疯话 但我从来没有骂过 |
| [49:42] | Even if I’m really mad, I can’t do like, | 即使我真的很生气 我也不会说 |
| [49:44] | “Fuck you!” I can’t do it. | “操” 我做不到 |
| [49:46] | It doesn’t sit right. I prefer psychological warfare, you know? | 这样不对 我更喜欢玩心理战 你知道吗 |
| [49:50] | Yeah. I like knowing that I can ask my mother a question, | 我知道有个问题如果我问了我妈 |
| [49:54] | and the mere mention of that question | 而且一旦提到那个问题 |
| [49:56] | might terrorize her mind for years to come. | 就能让她恐惧好几年 |
| [50:00] | So I decided I would ruin one of her days. | 所以我决定毁掉她的某一天 |
| [50:03] | So I chose Christmas. | 所以我选择了圣诞节 |
| [50:05] | So here’s what I did, okay? | 然后我就这么干了 |
| [50:09] | Christmas morning, my parents | 圣诞节早上 我的父母 |
| [50:12] | and their five dogs are at my house. | 还有他们的五只狗在我家里 |
| [50:15] | My mother is in a fantastic mood, okay? | 我妈妈心情极好 |
| [50:19] | She is a Latina woman on Christmas morning. | 这是一位在圣诞节清晨的拉丁妇女 |
| [50:23] | You don’t understand this type of joy, all right? | 你们不懂这种乐趣 对吧 |
| [50:26] | She’s, like, cooking and dancing. She’s like… | 她在边做饭边跳舞 像这样 |
| [50:31] | ♪ Baby Jesús is here today ♪ | ♪ 亲爱的上帝今天来了 ♪ |
| [50:35] | Just doing her spic shit, you know, so… | 就是在搞西班牙佬那套 你懂的 |
| [50:41] | It’s my mom. | 这是我妈 |
| [50:42] | Okay, so… | 好吧 所以 |
| [50:44] | I see her. | 我看着她 |
| [50:49] | Yeah. I go, “Mom.” | 对 我说”妈妈” |
| [50:53] | And she goes, “Yes?” | 她说”怎么了” |
| [50:56] | Like, I could feel the joy coming off her, | 我可以感受到她溢出的快乐 |
| [50:59] | and I’m like, “Now’s a good time.” | 我想”就是现在” |
| [51:02] | I go, “Mom, have you ever thought about | 我说”妈妈 你有没有想过 |
| [51:04] | how you’re gonna have to bury each one of those dogs?” | 你要怎么埋葬咱家其中一条狗” |
| [51:12] | She goes, “Why would you say that?” | 她说”你怎么会这样说” |
| [51:15] | And I go, “I don’t know.” | 我说”我也不知道呢” |
| [51:20] | I go, “Do you ever think about | 我说”你有没有想过 |
| [51:21] | what you’ll do if Dad dies before you?” Oh, my God! | 如果爸爸比你死得早你会怎么做” 天呐 |
| [51:28] | She goes… “No. | 她说”不 |
| [51:30] | I’ve never thought about this.” | 我从来没想过” |
| [51:33] | And I go, “Well, I’m asking you, so… | 然后我说”我在问你 所以 |
| [51:35] | think about it.” | 好好想想吧” |
| [51:38] | And she goes, “I will pray… | 她说”我会祈祷 |
| [51:40] | and I will hope to die the same day.” | 我希望能在同一天去世” |
| [51:45] | I go, “That’d actually be super convenient. | 我说”那确实会方便很多 |
| [51:46] | Like as far as… | 就像 |
| [51:48] | planning the funerals and going over the wills. | 准备葬礼和审查遗嘱 |
| [51:51] | If you can pull it off, I think we’d all be on board.” | 如果你可以做到 我觉得我们都会支持” |
| [51:55] | She goes… “Merry Christmas, Tom.” | 她说”圣诞快乐 汤姆” |
| [52:00] | I go, “Merry Christmas to you too.” And… | 我说”你也圣诞快乐” 然后 |
| [52:03] | my dad is sitting two feet away. | 我爸爸就坐在两英尺远 |
| [52:06] | He hasn’t heard one word of the conversation. | 我们说的他一个字都没听见 |
| [52:09] | He’s just in dad mode, checked out, | 就是一副老爹的样子 |
| [52:11] | staring at ceiling lights. | 盯着天花板上的灯 |
| [52:13] | You know, like… | 这样 |
| [52:18] | You call his attention, it just snaps him out of a flashback. | 你突然跟他打招呼还会惊动到他 |
| [52:20] | I’m like, “Hey, Dad–” “Yeah!” | 我说”老爸” “干哈” |
| [52:23] | Jesus. | 我的天呐 |
| [52:29] | I asked him the same thing. | 我问了他同样的事儿 |
| [52:30] | I go, “Hey, man, | 我说”爸爸 |
| [52:31] | have you ever thought about | 如果妈妈比你死得早 |
| [52:33] | what you’d do if Mom dies before you?” | 你会怎么做” |
| [52:35] | He goes, “I like blondes, and I like big tits, buddy.” | 他说”金发妞和大波波都是我的最爱” |
| [52:43] | “Sounds like you’ve been thinking about that quite a bit.” | “看来你早就想好了啊” |
| [52:47] | And he goes, “Every night, pal. | 他接着说”每一夜都想呢 小兄弟 |
| [52:49] | Every night.” | 每一夜” |
| [52:50] | I’m just like… “You guys have different dreams, I guess.” | 我说”你们真是同床异梦的典型” |
| [52:54] | That guy. Oh, my God. | 那家伙 我的天 |
| [52:56] | Nothing like men in their 70s, right? | 一点都不像70多岁的老男人 是吧 |
| [53:00] | My dad’s at that really cool place in his life | 我爸此刻正处于最冷酷的时期 |
| [53:02] | where he says things that are true that provide relief to no one. | 他说的都是赤裸裸的现实 从不给人安慰 |
| [53:09] | Like, this week I call him up, and I’m like, “What’s up?” | 这周我给他打电话 我问”过得咋样” |
| [53:12] | He goes, “You know, gays don’t bother me.” And I was like… | 他说”基佬们为难不了我的” 然后我 |
| [53:17] | “That’s good.” | “整挺好” |
| [53:19] | He goes, “They’re just living their life. | 他说”他们自己在过自己的 |
| [53:21] | Why would I get upset?” | 我为什么要为此烦恼” |
| [53:22] | And I’m like, “I don’t know.” | “我不知道啊” |
| [53:27] | And then it’s just quiet on the phone. | 然后 电话中陷入沉静 |
| [53:29] | I’m like, “Are we done talking right now?” | 我说”没什么要说的了吗” |
| [53:33] | He’s like, “No, I’m just thinking.” | 他说”我只是在思考” |
| [53:34] | “Oh, it’s fun to listen to… | “噢 听着挺有趣 |
| [53:37] | as you breathe into the…” | 感觉像往那里吹气” |
| [53:42] | And he goes, “Your mother and I are going on a cruise.” | 他又说”我和你妈准备要坐游轮了” |
| [53:44] | And I go, “Okay, have fun.” | 我说”玩得开心” |
| [53:46] | And I ask him, I go, “Which cruise line?” | 我又问他”哪条航线” |
| [53:48] | And he goes, “Carnival.” | 他说”狂欢节” |
| [53:50] | And I’m like, “Wait, isn’t that, like, the party cruise?” | 我说”等等 难道是派对游轮吗” |
| [53:53] | And my dad’s response… | 我爸回我 |
| [53:55] | I swear on my children… | 我以我的孩子起誓 |
| [53:58] | was, “Buddy, | 他说”兄弟 |
| [53:59] | there’s no other way to say it. | 我不知道该怎么讲 |
| [54:02] | I love watching black people have fun.” | 我喜欢看黑人一起玩儿 |
| [54:11] | What? | 啥 |
| [54:14] | I mean, we all do, | 我的意思是 我们都是这样 |
| [54:15] | but to say it out loud? | 但是可不可以别说出来 |
| [54:18] | It’s fucking crazy. | 这也太疯狂了 |
| [54:22] | Can you picture | 你敢想吗 |
| [54:23] | my dad on the aftdeck of a Carnival cruise, just like… | 我爸在狂欢节游轮甲板上就像这样 |
| [54:32] | “Those blacks are having fun. | “这些黑人玩儿得真开心 |
| [54:33] | Let’s get some food. This is fun.” | 我们去吃点东西吧 真有意思” |
| [54:39] | All right, let’s get serious. | 好的 让我们讨论一个严肃的话题 |
| [54:42] | Guys, I think it’s time | 我想是时候 |
| [54:45] | we have to start taking better care of the environment. | 开始聊聊环保了 |
| [54:49] | All right? Yeah. | 对吗 |
| [54:51] | Absolutely. | 绝对的 |
| [54:52] | And I think that responsibility | 我认为这个责任 |
| [54:55] | falls on the poor. And here’s why. | 就落在了穷人身上 我来告诉你为什么 |
| [54:59] | You’re already in my trash. | 你已经住在垃圾桶里了 |
| [55:00] | How about you separate the glass from the plastic? | 要不你顺便把玻璃从塑料里分出来 |
| [55:05] | Yeah. | 没错 |
| [55:07] | It sounds like there’s some poor people over here. | 看起来好像这儿有些穷人啊 |
| [55:10] | And that’s fucking disgusting. Now… | 那太恶心了 |
| [55:15] | Here’s what I know for sure. | 这是我的真实想法 |
| [55:17] | Poor people love the Bible, okay? | 穷人喜欢圣经 对不对 |
| [55:21] | And they love it because it’s the only book | 他们喜欢是因为这是唯一可以 |
| [55:23] | you get for free. Now… | 免费拿的书 现在 |
| [55:28] | Try getting another book for free. | 试着找找别的可以免费拿的书 |
| [55:31] | Let me know how that shit goes. | 让我想想要怎么办 |
| [55:33] | Can you imagine being so dumb… that you’re superstitious? | 这些人竟然能因为迷信变得这么愚蠢 |
| [55:48] | Imagine being so impossibly stupid. | 愚蠢到令人难以想象 |
| [55:51] | Personally, I have nothing but contempt | 我个人而言 对于迷信还有那些 |
| [55:55] | for all superstitions and all superstitious people. | 迷信的人我都不屑一顾 |
| [55:58] | I hate all of them. | 这些玩意儿真让人恶心 |
| [55:59] | I hate riding in the car with someone who’s like, | 和这样一帮人坐车里 太恶心了 |
| [56:02] | “We’re about to drive over a bridge.” | “我们准备要开车过桥了” |
| [56:10] | Like, “I’m gonna get out of the car, | 我就”我得下车了 |
| [56:12] | and I hope you drive off this bridge. | 希望你能平安过桥 |
| [56:13] | I really do.” | 我确实希望” |
| [56:15] | They’re all dumb. “It’s 11:11.” | 他们太愚昧了 “现在是11点11分” |
| [56:21] | “Make a wish.” | “祈祷时间到” |
| [56:22] | I wish you would drink a | 你要不来一杯 |
| [56:24] | smoothie of cyanide and broken rocks. | 氰化物和碎石头奶昔 |
| [56:26] | That’s what I wish. | 这是我想祈祷的 |
| [56:30] | They should all upset you, | 他们所有人应该都挺恶心人的 |
| [56:31] | but there’s one that should make you | 他们里面甚至还会有能让你 |
| [56:32] | march in the streets. I’m serious. | 上街游行抗议的人 我认真的 |
| [56:34] | I cannot believe that we live | 难以置信生活在 |
| [56:36] | in this incredibly wealthy, developed nation, | 这种富有发达的国家的我们 |
| [56:40] | and, collectively, we all just accept | 竟然一致认为 |
| [56:43] | that hotels, even some office buildings, | 旅馆 乃至一些办公楼 |
| [56:46] | just don’t have to have a 13th floor. | 都不应该有13楼 |
| [56:49] | Like, do you understand… | 这不就等于 |
| [56:51] | that we’re throwing away sequential numbers | 我们把数字的顺序的抛弃了 |
| [56:54] | because people are like… | 因为大家都 |
| [56:59] | You can go to a nice hotel, the fucking Four Seasons, | 你去一家酒店 就拿四季酒店来说吧 |
| [57:02] | it’ll go 12th floor, 14th floor. | 电梯上楼12楼 14楼 |
| [57:05] | And if you go, “I’m sorry, why isn’t there a 13th floor?” | 你就想了”咦 13楼去哪儿了” |
| [57:08] | “Well, that’s a spooky number. | “好吧 那个数字不吉利 |
| [57:13] | And if we had it, there’d be ghosts and goblins up there. | 如果有13楼 就会出现小阿飘 |
| [57:21] | So we took it away, | 所以我们没有13楼 |
| [57:24] | and now it’s not so scary.” | 现在就没那么可怕了” |
| [57:27] | And you’re like, “Are you fucking Cajun? | 然后你问”你他妈是卡津人吗 |
| [57:28] | Is that really what we’re doing right now?” | 我们现在开始搞这一套了是吧” |
| [57:33] | I don’t know. | 我不是很懂 |
| [57:35] | Yeah. | 好的 |
| [57:37] | You guys like that one, but that Bible one… | 你们喜欢这套 但是基督徒们 |
| [57:42] | You pulled back on that. You guys were like… | 说几个敏感词 你们就这样 |
| [57:50] | “He listens to every show.” | “上帝会听每一场脱口秀” |
| [57:55] | It’s cool. I talked to him before the show. | 还好 我在演出之前通知他了 |
| [57:57] | He said it was a good angle. Don’t worry about it. Now… | 他说角度挺好 没事 |
| [58:05] | I’m not calling you stupid if you’re religious, okay? | 如果你有宗教信仰 我不会骂你的 |
| [58:08] | That’s a cheap shot. | 就是廉价的精神慰藉 |
| [58:09] | If religion gives you comfort, I think that’s great. | 如果宗教能安抚你 我觉得那也挺好 |
| [58:11] | I would not call you stupid for that. | 我不会说你是个蠢货 |
| [58:13] | I would only call you stupid if you read your horoscope. | 我只会说信星座的是个蠢货 |
| [58:16] | And, uh… | 因为 |
| [58:21] | you make life decisions based on… | 你的人生选择都是基于 |
| [58:28] | …what the planets are doing. | 那些星星在干啥 |
| [58:31] | I don’t know if you’ve ever spent time | 让人费解的是 如果你和这些 |
| [58:33] | with one of these non-contributors, but… | 令人尴尬的人一起呆过 |
| [58:36] | they’re usually sharing their wisdom, | 他们会经常和你分享自己的智慧结晶 |
| [58:38] | like, “You’ve got to go for it, | 比如”你一定要去争取 |
| [58:39] | ’cause you’re a Pisces.” | 因为你是双鱼座” |
| [58:44] | Thanks, Doc. | 谢谢了”博士” |
| [58:45] | Those are the same people that think it’s a miracle | 就和那些觉得和某人同一个生日 |
| [58:48] | to share a birthday with someone. | 感到很神奇的人一样 |
| [58:51] | Like that’s a noteworthy event. | 觉得这是一件不得了的大事儿 |
| [58:53] | And then you get to explain how that’s not weird. | 你还得跟人解释好显得不那么奇怪 |
| [58:56] | “Well, there’s a lot of us and… | “其实我们本身人口基数大 |
| [58:59] | not that many options. It’s gonna happen all the time.” | 那么多人啊 这种巧合是常有的” |
| [59:02] | Those people… | 那些因为 |
| [59:04] | But the ones who make me immediately homicidal are… | 有人生日和你很相近就变得激动的人 |
| [59:08] | people who get excited about a close-to-each-other birthday. | 更让我有想自杀的冲动 |
| [59:15] | As if that is worth wasting a breath on. | 好像这事儿很值得花时间一样 |
| [59:19] | I get this in hotels once a month. | 我之前住过一家旅馆 |
| [59:21] | I check into a hotel, | 我登记入住的时候 |
| [59:23] | the guy will take my ID, and he’ll be like… | 那个男的拿走我的身份证 看了看 |
| [59:28] | “You’re April 16th? | “你4月16号的生日啊 |
| [59:29] | I’m April 3rd.” | 我4月3号呢” |
| [59:37] | I go, “Hold on a second! | 我是这么跟他说的”你等等 |
| [59:43] | You mean to tell me… | 你是说 |
| [59:45] | two weeks… | 我出生前的 |
| [59:47] | before I was born… | 两个礼拜 |
| [59:50] | you were born? | 你出生了 |
| [1:00:07] | Yeah. I’ve got panty pudding now.” | 哇 我的小裤裤好像有点脏脏了呢” |
| [1:00:13] | Panty pudding? | 小裤裤脏脏 |
| [1:00:16] | Gross. | 恶心 |
| [1:00:19] | I remember the girl who said it. It was… | 我记得当时说这话的是个妹子 那是 |
| [1:00:22] | 2002 and… | 2002年 |
| [1:00:25] | a lot of you will not like this. | 这一年应该不太讨人喜欢 |
| [1:00:29] | But that year, Ohio State won | 但是那一年 俄亥俄州 |
| [1:00:31] | the national championship in football. | 拿了全国橄榄球冠军 |
| [1:00:36] | Whoa. It’s almost like you care more | 看起来你们好像更在乎橄榄球 |
| [1:00:39] | about football than the Bible. | 圣经就没那么重要了对吧 |
| [1:00:41] | But anyway… | 但是 无论如何 |
| [1:00:47] | I know. | 我认为 |
| [1:00:48] | Boo, history. Anyway… | 辣鸡辣鸡 这是很久以前的事情了 |
| [1:00:51] | I was with this girl. | 我和一个女孩在一起 |
| [1:00:52] | I met her the day after the game. | 我是在比赛结束以后遇见她的 |
| [1:00:54] | She was from Columbus, where the school is located. | 她来自哥伦布 她在那儿上学 |
| [1:00:57] | I said something casually. I just said it. | 我随便闲聊了几句 我说 |
| [1:00:59] | I was like, “Oh, you’re from Columbus? | “你是从哥伦布来的 |
| [1:01:01] | You guys won the title. Are you excited?” | 你们赢了 你不激动吗” |
| [1:01:03] | And she goes, “Excited? I’ve got panty pudding.” | 她说”激动 我的激动到小裤裤脏脏了” |
| [1:01:09] | And I was like… | 我就 |
| [1:01:13] | And then I fucked her because… | 然后我们滚床单了 因为 |
| [1:01:17] | she was a dirty girl, all right? | 她是一个脏脏的小婊砸 |
| [1:01:19] | And she was not lying. | 她确实没说谎 |
| [1:01:21] | That shit was like tapioca. You had to scoop it out. | 她的分泌物就像一坨木薯淀粉 得抠出来 |
| [1:01:25] | Over your shoulder. | 扔掉它 |
| [1:01:28] | Do you think Cosby still eats pudding? | 你们觉得考斯比还吃布丁吗 |
| [1:01:34] | I often wonder if he has maintained | 我经常怀疑如果他还像之前 |
| [1:01:37] | his sense of humor on the inside. | 那么幽默的话 |
| [1:01:41] | Do you think he teases the fellas on the way to the shower? | 他会不会嘲笑那些去洗澡的伙计们 |
| [1:01:45] | Do you think he’s like, “Hey, don’t put | 他会说”嘿 别把 |
| [1:01:47] | your pudding pop in my raisin cake.” | 你的布丁雪糕放在我的葡萄干蛋糕旁” |
| [1:01:47] | 考斯比经典老牌动作 布丁雪糕也有用劣质纸巾擦屁股 但手指戳破纸张了而直接沾到了粑粑的意思 | |
| [1:01:55] | Like that? | 就像这样 |
| [1:02:00] | And they’re like, “Man, Bill’s crazy as shit, huh? | 观众会说”天 比尔真是疯了 |
| [1:02:04] | Let me get a cigarette, Bill!” All right, so… | 给我支烟比尔” 好了 |
| [1:02:10] | You can tell I like you. | 这么说 我挺喜欢你们的 |
| [1:02:13] | Yeah. You know why? | 真的 知道为什么吗 |
| [1:02:14] | ‘Cause I told you an old sex story from my life. | 因为我讲的是自己的性生活老故事 |
| [1:02:16] | I think, 100 % of the time when that happens, | 我相信 无一例外的 |
| [1:02:18] | when somebody tells you an old story like that from their life, | 别人给你讲他们以前的故事 |
| [1:02:22] | it’s because they like you and they seek your approval. | 那是因为他们喜欢你 寻求你的认可 |
| [1:02:25] | Yeah. Absolutely. Dude… | 肯定的 朋友们 |
| [1:02:28] | Who tells you the best stories? | 谁说的故事最棒 |
| [1:02:30] | It’s always people newish to your life. | 都是你们刚认识的人 |
| [1:02:32] | Why? Because they’re giving you the best they’ve got. | 为什么 因为他们会讲自己最棒的故事 |
| [1:02:35] | They want to impress you. | 他们想给你个好印象 |
| [1:02:37] | Who tells you the worst stories? Your best friends. | 谁说的故事最差 你最好的朋友们 |
| [1:02:42] | They know you’re not going anywhere. Your best friends are like, | 他们知道你一直都在 他们会说 |
| [1:02:44] | “I fucked my wife,” and you’re like, “Shut up. | “我上了我老婆” 然后你说”闭嘴 |
| [1:02:49] | We’re about to eat. I know her. | 马上就吃饭了 我认识她 |
| [1:02:50] | Shut the fuck up, man.” | 特么闭嘴吧 老弟” |
| [1:02:52] | Then they’re like, “It’s a good story.” | 然后他们说”这故事超棒的” |
| [1:02:54] | “Okay, what?” “Well, she didn’t really want to do it.” | “行吧 怎么了””她不想跟我做” |
| [1:02:57] | “But I kept bothering her and bothering her. | “但我一直撩她 一直撩 |
| [1:03:02] | And she finally broke down. | 她最后还是妥协了 |
| [1:03:04] | She really just laid still.” You’re like, | 她就躺平了” 你就会说 |
| [1:03:06] | “What are you? Ted Bundy? | “你怎么回事 你是泰德·邦迪吗 |
| [1:03:07] | This is a terrible story.” | 这故事太没意思了” |
| [1:03:10] | I’ll tell you a fun story, all right? | 我给你们讲个有意思的 好吧 |
| [1:03:13] | When I first got to LA, many years ago, | 我第一次去洛杉矶 那是很多年前 |
| [1:03:15] | I met a girl in a bar. | 我在酒吧遇到一个女孩 |
| [1:03:17] | She took me back to her place. | 她带我去了她那儿 |
| [1:03:19] | We started messing around. I signed the consent forms. | 我们就开始翻云覆雨 我签过同意书了 |
| [1:03:23] | We start messing around. | 我们就开始翻云覆雨 |
| [1:03:24] | As we’re doing it, she reaches around, | 我们正做着呢 她的手伸到我后面 |
| [1:03:27] | she puts a finger in me, and I go “Ah.” | 她一支手指插进我后面 我就”啊” |
| [1:03:31] | And she goes, “Mmm?” | 然后她”嗯哼” |
| [1:03:34] | And I go, “Oh, yeah.” | 然后我”噢好吧” |
| [1:03:40] | That’s it. That’s the end of the story. Right. | 没了 故事说完了 |
| [1:03:46] | Go for your dreams. | 为你们梦想努力吧 |
| [1:03:48] | I do mean that. I know it sounds cheesy, | 我说真的 我知道听起来有点傻 |
| [1:03:50] | but I don’t mean it to. I just… | 但其实我认真的 我只是 |
| [1:03:52] | Here’s why I think about it so much. | 这就是为什么我想那么多 |
| [1:03:54] | I meet so many people. Okay? I meet way more people than you. | 我见过很多人 比你们多得多 |
| [1:03:58] | It’s not even close. So… | 不是你们想的那样啦 所以 |
| [1:04:01] | Here’s the thing. People usually say nice things to me. | 是这样的 人们总对我说好话 |
| [1:04:03] | They’re like, “Thanks for coming.” “I had a good time.” | 他们会说”欢迎来访””我玩得很高兴” |
| [1:04:05] | Conversations naturally will turn, | 交流自然而然就继续下去了 |
| [1:04:07] | and I’ll ask somebody, “What do you do?” | 我会问他们”你感觉怎么样” |
| [1:04:09] | Do you know what I hear like 98 % of the time? | 知道我98%的情况下听到什么回答吗 |
| [1:04:11] | They’ll be like, “It fucking sucks. I hate it.” | 他们会说”真他妈的糟透了 烦死我了” |
| [1:04:14] | Then I go, “Why don’t you do something else?” | 然后我问”为什么不做点别的呢” |
| [1:04:16] | They go, “It’s too late. My life’s fucked. | 他们会说”太迟了 我这辈子已经毁了 |
| [1:04:18] | Good to meet you, man” and they walk away. | 很高兴见到你” 然后他们就走了 |
| [1:04:20] | Yeah, that sits in my head. | 我一直在想这种事 |
| [1:04:22] | So I think about it. | 我在思考 |
| [1:04:23] | But I have advice. | 但我有一条建议 |
| [1:04:24] | This is the advice that I hope you’ll leave with, all right? | 希望你们能记住这条建议 好吧 |
| [1:04:27] | This is it. You just need to learn to do one thing really well. | 是这样的 你只需要做好一件事 |
| [1:04:30] | And it’s this. | 就是 |
| [1:04:31] | You need to learn to manage your expectations. | 你要学着调整自己的期待值 |
| [1:04:34] | It’s not an innate thing you’re born with. It’s a skill. | 这个不是天生就会的 这是种能力 |
| [1:04:37] | If you work at it, you’ll get good at it. | 你只要努力 就能掌握 |
| [1:04:39] | The more you manage your expectations, | 期待值调整得越合适 |
| [1:04:41] | you’ll feel more fulfilled, | 你的内心就越充实 |
| [1:04:43] | less depressed, happier overall. | 失落感越少 整个人越高兴 |
| [1:04:46] | I’ll share with you my life’s greatest disappointment, | 我要和你们分享这辈子最失望的一次经历 |
| [1:04:49] | which, in retrospect, is my fault. | 其实回头再看 是我自己的错 |
| [1:04:51] | I didn’t know it at the time. I do now. | 我之前不知道 现在知道了 |
| [1:04:53] | And I’m gonna tell you it’s gonna be upsetting to some people. | 我这么说吧 这事会让有些人失望 |
| [1:04:56] | But hopefully, we can use it as a learning tool, so… | 但愿我们可以从中汲取教训 |
| [1:05:01] | Here’s what it is, all right? | 是这样的 |
| [1:05:03] | I think that sixty-nining is overrated, and it sucks. | 我认为”69″这个体位过誉了 其实糟透了 |
| [1:05:10] | Yeah. Yeah, you see that? Some people clap. | 对 对 看见了没 有人鼓掌了 |
| [1:05:12] | Some people are like, “Arrest this man.” But listen. | 有人会说”把他抓起来” 但是听好了 |
| [1:05:16] | The story of why is more important. | 原因更重要 |
| [1:05:19] | Do you remember when you first heard about it? I do. | 记得第一次听说69是什么时候吗 我记得 |
| [1:05:21] | I was in third grade. And that’s too young. All right? | 我那时候三年级 太小了 是吧 |
| [1:05:25] | One of the older kids told me, and I was like, “What? | 是个大孩子告诉我的 我说”什么玩意 |
| [1:05:29] | At the same time?” | 同时那啥” |
| [1:05:32] | I almost had a seizure. I didn’t know what he was saying. | 我差点傻了 我不知道他在说什么 |
| [1:05:35] | I didn’t even have references | 我甚至都没有任何参考资料 |
| [1:05:36] | so I could pretend like I understood. | 我都没法不懂装懂 |
| [1:05:38] | I was like, “That’s like eating | 我说”有点像 |
| [1:05:39] | a cheeseburger covered in ice cream | 吃冰淇淋盖奶酪汉堡的同时 |
| [1:05:41] | while you’re taking a shit or something.” | 蹲厕所里拉屎之类的” |
| [1:05:45] | And he was like, “That’s exactly what it’s like.” | 然后他说”就是这样啊” |
| [1:05:48] | From that day on, I was hooked. | 那天起 我就着了魔 |
| [1:05:50] | When I tell you I was obsessed, I was obsessed. | 我跟你们说着魔 那真的着了魔 |
| [1:05:54] | I’m not saying it for a story. | 我这不是夸大其词 |
| [1:05:56] | It is all I talked about, thought about, dreamt about, | 我整天说的 想的 做的梦 |
| [1:05:58] | sung about, joked about, “Sixty-nine, sixty-nine, sixty-nine…” | 唱的 开的玩笑 全是69 69 69 |
| [1:06:01] | Every notebooks of school I said “Sixty-nine, sixty-nine…” | 每个笔记本上都写着 “69 69 69” |
| [1:06:04] | Every sports team I was on, I was like, “I’m number 69!” | 每次运动组队 我都说”我是69号” |
| [1:06:09] | They were like, “This is fifth grade basketball. | 他们就说”这是五年级的篮球队 |
| [1:06:10] | Why don’t you chill out, buddy?” | 你冷静点行不行 小伙子” |
| [1:06:13] | Every birthday, Christmas, my dad’d go, “What do you want?” | 每次过生日过圣诞节 我爸问我想要什么 |
| [1:06:16] | I’d go, “I want a sixty-nine.” | 我就说”我要69″ |
| [1:06:17] | He’d go, “Shut up and stop saying that!” | 他就说”闭嘴 别说这种话” |
| [1:06:20] | And I was like, “No!” Defiant. “No!” | 然后我就说”不” 挑衅嘛 “不” |
| [1:06:22] | “Sixty-nine, sixty-nine. It’s gonna be the best. | “69 69 肯定超棒 |
| [1:06:24] | Be the best. Be the best. Sixty-nine. | 超棒 超棒 69 |
| [1:06:26] | It’ll be like smoking meth out of God’s dick. I want to do it.” | 肯定像在用上帝的鸡鸡在吸毒 我想试试 |
| [1:06:30] | And I built it up, and I built it up, and I built it up, | 我一直期待 一直期待 一直期待 |
| [1:06:33] | and when I finally got to do it, I finally got to do it, | 终于等到机会了 我终于做69了 |
| [1:06:36] | you know what the first thing I said was? | 你知道我第一句话是什么不 |
| [1:06:38] | “Get off me. All right?” | “从我身上下去 行吗” |
| [1:06:40] | My neck hurts. | 我脖子疼 |
| [1:06:42] | I can’t get my nose out of the way. | 我呼吸不了 |
| [1:06:45] | Does it feel good? It feels like I’m working. | 真舒服吗 简直像在工作嘛 |
| [1:06:47] | All right, it’d feel better | 真的 要是这样 |
| [1:06:49] | if you flipped over and polished me off, | 你翻个身 先帮我口 |
| [1:06:51] | and then I’ll do you. | 然后我帮你口 |
| [1:06:52] | Why’s it got to be at the same time? | 干嘛一定要同时啊 |
| [1:06:55] | Are we late for something? | 我们赶时间吗 |
| [1:07:04] | Is the youth pastor coming back in a few minutes? | 青少年看护牧师马上就回来了吗 |
| [1:07:09] | Let’s take turns, like we learned in kindergarten. | 按顺序来嘛 我们幼儿园就学过的 |
| [1:07:14] | What type of maniac sixty-nines as an adult? | 喜欢69的都是些变态吧 |
| [1:07:17] | I mean, if you’re a guy, | 你要是真的喜欢 |
| [1:07:18] | I hope you’re at least a gentleman about it | 我希望你至少做个绅士 |
| [1:07:20] | and you lay on your back | 你向上躺着 |
| [1:07:22] | and you’re not one of these savage fucking pigs… | 可别当那种粗野的傻逼玩意 |
| [1:07:28] | who’s like, “I prefer this angle. | 那种人说”我就喜欢这个角度 |
| [1:07:32] | And then you can hear the fight to live underneath you.” | 这样你就能听见下面挣扎的声音” |
| [1:07:40] | And you’re like, “Yeah, that feels good.” | 然后你说”感觉不错” |
| [1:07:42] | I bet it fucking does feel good. | 肯定他妈的感觉不错 |
| [1:07:44] | As you’re throating that poor lady underneath you. | 要是你下面的可怜女士还给你深喉 |
| [1:07:48] | I don’t think there’s a more horrific picture I can paint… | 这是我能想象的最可怕的景象 |
| [1:07:53] | than that of a woman, a lovely woman… | 一位女士 一位可爱的女士 |
| [1:07:56] | Like, picture your mom laying on her back… | 比如你妈妈躺着 |
| [1:08:00] | in anticipation of sixty-nining from the bottom. | 在69里是下位 |
| [1:08:05] | And she’s like, “What the fuck?” | 她说”搞什么” |
| [1:08:08] | And she’s got that look on her face, | 她脸上会有这种表情 |
| [1:08:10] | like, “Is the search party gonna find me here?” | “搜救队的人能找到我吗” |
| [1:08:14] | And then a man, a disgusting man… | 然后一个男人 一个恶心的男人 |
| [1:08:19] | like me, is like, “Well, saddle up. Here we go.” | 像我这样 就说”上马 来了” |
| [1:08:23] | There’s dingleberries and lint. | 这儿就是卷毛 毛上还沾着小粒 |
| [1:08:26] | And here’s your mom, and I’m like… | 这儿是你妈妈 我就这样 |
| [1:08:31] | And then, if I do that, I hear, | 我要是真这么干了 就能听见一句 |
| [1:08:33] | “What’s on my forehead?” | “我额头前面是什么” |
| [1:08:36] | And I’m like, “That’s my gut. | 然后我就会说”是我的大肚肚 |
| [1:08:40] | That’s Daddy’s wet trash bag gut.” | 这是爸爸的冒汗的 垃圾桶似的肚子” |
| [1:08:43] | Austin, you were a blast. Thanks for coming out tonight. | 奥斯汀的人太棒了 感谢各位今晚的到来 |
| [1:08:46] | Appreciate it very much. | 非常感谢 |
| [1:08:48] | See you next time. Good night. See you, buddy. | 下次再见 晚安 再会 朋友们 |
| [1:08:53] | ♪ You best protect ya neck ♪ | ♪ 护好你的脖子 ♪ |
| [1:08:55] | ♪ Wu-Tang Clan comin’ at you ♪ | ♪ 武当派来了 ♪ |
| [1:08:57] | ♪ Watch your step, kid ♪ | ♪ 小心脚下 小孩 ♪ |
| [1:09:00] | ♪ The Inspectah Deck ♪ | ♪ 巡查者戴克 ♪ |
| [1:09:03] | ♪ I smoke on the mic Like Smokin’ Joe Frazier ♪ | ♪ 我在台上抽烟 像拳王费舍 ♪ |
| [1:09:05] | ♪ The hell-raiser Raising hell with the flavor ♪ | ♪ 鬼怪推翻地狱 兴致勃勃 ♪ |
| [1:09:08] | ♪ Terrorize the jam Like troops in Pakistan ♪ | ♪ 吓住巴基斯坦 拥挤的士兵♪ |
| [1:09:10] | ♪ Swinging through your town Like your neighborhood Spider-Man ♪ | ♪ 荡过你的小镇 像蜘蛛侠邻居♪ |
| [1:09:13] | ♪ So, uh, ticktock and keep ticking ♪ | ♪ 滴滴答答 声音响彻♪ |
| [1:09:15] | ♪ While I get you flipping Off the sh** I’m kicking ♪ | ♪ 趁你翻空 我一脚踢中 ♪ |
| [1:09:17] | ♪ The Lone Ranger, code red, danger ♪ | ♪ 独行侠 红色警报 高度危险 ♪ |
| [1:09:20] | ♪ Deep in the dark with the art To rip the charts apart ♪ | ♪ 黑暗深处 藏匿艺术 撕碎纸图 ♪ |
| [1:09:22] | ♪ The vandal, too hot to handle ♪ | ♪ 野蛮人类 难以招架 ♪ |
| [1:09:24] | ♪ You battle, you’re saying goodbye Like Tevin Campbell ♪ | ♪ 你反抗 你告别 像泰文·坎贝尔 ♪ |
| [1:09:27] | ♪ Roughneck, Inspectah Deck’s on the set ♪ | ♪ 粗脖子 巡查者戴克 已经就位 ♪ |
| [1:09:29] | ♪ The rebel, I make more noise Than heavy metal ♪ | ♪ 反抗者 我的噪音比重金属更吵 ♪ |
| [1:09:31] | ♪ The way I make the crowd go wild ♪ | ♪ 我领着人们变得狂暴 ♪ |
| [1:09:33] | ♪ Sit back, relax, won’t smile ♪ | ♪ 坐回去 放松 不要笑 |
| [1:09:35] | ♪ Rae got it going on, pal Call me the rap assassinator ♪ | ♪ 雷 继续 老兄 叫我说唱刺客 ♪ |
| [1:09:39] | ♪ Rhymes rugged And built like Schwarzenegger ♪ | ♪ 韵律曲折 猛如施瓦辛格 ♪ |
| [1:09:41] | ♪ And I’mma get mad deep like a threat ♪ | ♪ 我要疯到成为威胁 ♪ |
| [1:09:43] | ♪ Blow up your project Then take all your assets ♪ | ♪ 毁了你的项目 带上你的财物 ♪ |
| [1:09:46] | ♪ ‘Cause I came to shake The frame in half ♪ | ♪ 因为我要一劈两半 目标是世俗 ♪ |
| [1:09:48] | ♪ With the thoughts That bomb shit like math ♪ | ♪ 这念头要爆炸 炸碎数学和废物 ♪ |
| [1:09:50] | ♪ So if you wanna try to flip Go flip on the next man ♪ | ♪ 你要是想轻浮 去找别处 ♪ |
| [1:09:53] | ♪ ‘Cause I grab the clip and ♪ | ♪ 要么我举着弹匣 ♪ |
| [1:09:55] | ♪ Hit you with 16 shots and more, I got ♪ | ♪ 给你十六下突突 ♪ |
| [1:09:57] | ♪ Going to war with the melting pot, hot ♪ | ♪ 和熔炉干去 热的那种 ♪ |
| [1:10:00] | ♪ It’s the Method Man For short “Mr. Meth” ♪ | ♪ 有门路的男人缩写成”冰毒” ♪ |
| [1:10:02] | ♪ Moving on your left, ah ♪ | ♪ 往左走吧 ♪ |