| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| [00:03] | – Oh, my god, Peter! – Sweetest. | -天啊 皮特 -亲爱的 |
| [00:06] | What? | 怎么回事 |
| [00:07] | Who is this? | 这是谁 |
| [00:08] | I’m sorry, I should have grabbed a bigger towel. | 抱歉 我该拿大点的毛巾的 |
| [00:11] | My wife slept with somebody else, today. | 我老婆今天和别人睡了 |
| [00:14] | – Oh, boy. – Yeah, oh, boy. | -天啊 -是吧 |
| [00:16] | Go write some jokes. | 去写点段子吧 |
| [00:18] | I saw your set. I mean, top five worst I’ve ever seen. | 我看了你演出 能排到我看过的倒数前五了 |
| [00:21] | You heard what I said, right? | 你听见我刚才说的话了吧 |
| [00:22] | – Wait, that was real? – Yes! | -等等 那是真事 -嗯 |
| [00:24] | Oh, dude. | 天啊 哥们 |
| [00:25] | – You’re upset. – Yes, I’m upset. | -你很难过 -我当然难过 |
| [00:27] | You– you stole my wife. | 你抢走了我老婆 |
| [00:29] | I’m setting you free, I’m shaking your cage. | 我来还你自由 让你不再受束缚 |
| [00:31] | You don’t belong here anymore. | 这里已经不是你的地方了 |
| [00:33] | You know what you’re supposed to do, so do it. | 你知道自己想干什么 那就去干啊 |
| [00:35] | Free live comedy tonight. | 今晚有场超棒的现场喜剧秀 |
| [00:36] | Look at us, we’re gonna do a set tonight. | 我们今晚要表演了 |
| [00:38] | Following the dream, we’re grinding it out. | 追逐我们的梦想 我们一直在努力 |
| [00:40] | I’m happy to be with you guys. | 真高兴能与你们同路 |
| [00:43] | What the fuck’s wrong with you? | 你他妈在发什么颠 |
| [00:44] | I’m going through a divorce, | 我刚经历离婚 |
| [00:45] | I’m kind of floating around. | 有点漂泊不定 |
| [00:47] | Oh, you’re homeless. | 你无家可归 |
| [00:48] | – No. – Do you have a home? | -不 -那你有家吗 |
| [00:49] | – No. – I can’t, it’s so sad. | -没有 -不行了 太悲催了 |
| [00:51] | Don’t put your face in this pillow, | 别把脸靠近这个枕头 |
| [00:52] | bad shit happens to this pillow. | 这枕头不干净 |
| [00:54] | This is why we sent you to Christian camp, | 所以我们才把你送去教会夏令营和教会学院 |
| [00:56] | so these things wouldn’t happen to you. | 就是为了不让这种事发生在你身上 |
| [00:57] | I did everything I was supposed to. | 我该做的所有事情都做了 |
| [00:59] | I didn’t drink, I didn’t smoke. I didn’t have sex. | 我不喝酒 不吸烟 不做爱 |
| [01:02] | Please stop touching my balls. | 请别摸我的蛋了 |
| [01:04] | – Okay. – I’m sorry. | -好 -抱歉 |
| [01:06] | This is comedy, this is what I want to do. | 这是喜剧 这就是我想做的 |
| [01:08] | Honey, how will you survive? | 亲爱的 你要怎么谋生 |
| [01:10] | I have no job, I have no money, I have nowhere to stay. | 我没有工作 没有钱 没有住的地方 |
| [01:13] | I need to be with you. | 我得和你在一起 |
| [01:15] | I love you so much, Jess. | 我很爱你 杰茜 |
| [01:16] | Shut up! I chose Jesus! | 闭嘴 我选择耶稣 |
| [01:21] | Hallelujah! | 哈利路亚 |
| [01:22] | I’m really excited about our friendship, man. | 我很激动我们成朋友了 伙计 |
| [01:25] | We’re not friends. | 我们不是朋友 |
| [01:27] | We’re broke, together. | 只是同时破产了 |
| [01:29] | That’s how it starts. | 友谊就是这么开始的 |
| [02:22] | 友谊万岁 皮特 你和杰西卡·福尔摩斯友谊已9年 | |
| [03:25] | Peter! You have risen. | 皮特 你起来了 |
| [03:28] | God! Man, this is my area! | 天啊 这是我的地盘 |
| [03:31] | Y– Y– Y– You just opened a wall of my bedroom. | 你就这么把我卧室的墙掀起来了 |
| [03:34] | Even when you’re wearing pants I can see your dick. | 你穿着裤子 我也能看到屌 |
| [03:38] | What do you want? | 你要干吗 |
| [03:39] | It’s not about what I want, | 我要干吗不重要 |
| [03:41] | it’s about what I need, | 而是我需要干吗 |
| [03:42] | which is a conversation with you, man. | 我需要跟你谈谈 老兄 |
| [03:45] | What is the point of us having this communal existence | 如果我连个谈心的人都找不到 |
| [03:48] | if I have no one to commune with, Pete? | 那我们在一起生活的重点是什么 皮特 |
| [03:52] | Where are you all the time? You’re working or something, | 你每天都在哪儿 忙工作还是什么的 |
| [03:55] | out all night. You’re sleeping, resting, or something all day. | 整晚都不在 白天就睡觉休息什么的 |
| [04:01] | I’m sorry, I work– I work, yes, at night, and then I’m out late. | 不好意思 我是晚上工作 很晚出门 |
| [04:05] | It’s not like I’m partying. I’m doing– I’m following my dream. | 但我不是轰趴聚会 我在实现梦想 |
| [04:08] | And then I don’t have time to come home | 然后我没有时间回家 |
| [04:10] | and also be your best friend. | 当你最好的朋友 |
| [04:11] | We can’t have an old couple’s argument, man. | 咱俩不能跟老夫老妻一样吵嘴 老兄 |
| [04:14] | You have to pull your weight. | 你得做好份内的事 |
| [04:17] | You fucked my wife. | 你搞了我老婆 |
| [04:19] | Yes, I fucked your wife, but that doesn’t help pay the bills. | 对 我是搞了你老婆 但这也付不了账单 |
| [04:23] | Believe me, I wish it did, but we gotta work. | 我倒是希望能 但我们得工作 |
| [04:33] | Uh, what do you wanna mix in? | 想要加点什么 |
| [04:34] | Oh, uh, let’s, uh– let’s put some gummy bears in there. | 加点小熊软糖 |
| [04:38] | Chocolate and gummy bears, okay. | 巧克力加小熊软糖 好的 |
| [04:41] | You’re– You’re really good at this. | 你真厉害 |
| [04:46] | Thanks. Here you go. | 谢谢 小费拿着 |
| [04:49] | Oh, please. No, thank you. | 不用了 谢谢 |
| [04:52] | If you tip, it’s a whole thing. We have to do, like, a song… | 你给小费就是我们大家的事 我们得唱个歌 |
| [04:56] | Well, I’ll– I’ll leave it there. | 那我放这儿了 |
| [04:58] | Oh, guys, we got a tip! | 伙计们 我们收到了一笔小费 |
| [05:00] | Come on… | 来吧 |
| [05:01] | *First we peel bananas, peel, peel bananas* | *我们先剥香蕉 剥 剥香蕉* |
| [05:05] | *Then we slice bananas, slice, slice bananas* | *然后我们切香蕉 切 切香蕉* |
| [05:08] | *Then we go bananas, go, go bana…* | *然后我们就发疯了 发 发疯了* |
| [05:21] | Two for one with a flier, great live comedy. | 凭传单可以买一送一 超棒的现场喜剧秀 |
| [05:25] | Great live comedy tonight. Two for one with a flier. | 今晚有超棒的现场喜剧秀 凭传单买一送一 |
| [05:28] | Got a great live comedy show. | 超棒的现场喜剧秀 |
| [05:33] | Uh, hi, are you the manager here? | 你是这里的经理吗 |
| [05:35] | No. Hi, great live comedy, we got a great– | 不是 超棒的现场喜剧秀 我们有 |
| [05:38] | You’re looking for Jason. | 你要找的是杰森 |
| [05:39] | He– He won’t be here, for, uh, a little bit. | 他一时半会不在店里 |
| [05:41] | Oh, okay, um… | 好吧 |
| [05:42] | Great live comedy? | 想看超棒的现场喜剧秀吗 |
| [05:44] | Do you have a complaint or something? | 你是要投诉还是有什么其他事情吗 |
| [05:45] | No. I’m Ali. I’m a comedian, | 不 我叫爱丽 我是位喜剧演员 |
| [05:47] | and I was just gonna see if there’s a chance | 我就是想看看能不能 |
| [05:49] | I could do a short set? I’m trying to make this tape. | 在这来场短秀 我在录自己的节目视频 |
| [05:52] | My name is Pete, I’m– I’m actually a comedian. | 我叫皮特 我其实也是位喜剧演员 |
| [05:53] | – Oh, cool. Hi. – I’m on the show, too. | -酷 -我也会上台表演 |
| [05:55] | I mean, not that you’re on the show. | 倒并不是说你会上台表演 |
| [05:57] | You wanna be on the show. | 你想上台表演 |
| [05:58] | I would love to. That would be amazing. | 我很乐意 能上台的话就太棒了 |
| [06:00] | I just work the door when Jason’s running late. | 我只是在杰森迟到的时候在门口发传单 |
| [06:03] | I– I don’t really– run the club, | 我并不是真的在运营这个俱乐部 |
| [06:05] | I just do it for stage time. | 我这么做只是为了演出 |
| [06:06] | Cool. And you don’t have to, like, bark on a corner? | 酷 你并不需要去街角拉客 |
| [06:10] | Yeah. Yeah, yeah, this is– | 是的 没错 这算是 |
| [06:12] | Home base. | 驻扎大本营 |
| [06:13] | Great live comedy, guys, great live comedy. | 超棒的喜剧秀 伙计们 超棒的现场喜剧秀 |
| [06:15] | Uh, well, you know, it’s kinda… slow, but– | 这里没什么人表演 但是 |
| [06:19] | – Yeah, that’s why– – if it’s slow, you could just… | -对 所以… -如果没人 你就能 |
| [06:23] | squeeze me in? That would be so awesome, so… | 把我插进去 那就太棒了 |
| [06:28] | – Let– let’s see, I– I’ll see what I can do. – Okay. | -让我看看 我看看能不能安排一下 -好的 |
| [06:32] | Okay, ladies and gentlemen, | 好了 女士们先生们 |
| [06:33] | bringing up the, uh, next comic for you guys, | 有请下一位喜剧演员 |
| [06:36] | a very funny lady. I hope you guys enjoy her. | 一位非常有趣的女士 希望你们喜欢她的表演 |
| [06:40] | Guys, put your hands together for Ali Reissen, yeah! | 伙计们 掌声响起来 有请爱丽·瑞森 |
| [06:47] | Thank you so much. | 非常感谢 |
| [06:49] | Um, I have some really exciting news. | 我有些非常激动人心的消息 |
| [06:52] | My boyfriend and I, | 我男友和我 |
| [06:53] | we just took our relationship to the next level. | 我们彼此的关系刚进入了下一个阶段 |
| [06:56] | We broke up. Yep. | 我们分手了 没错 |
| [06:58] | Hey, what are you doing? | 你在做什么 |
| [07:01] | She’s makin’ a tape… for TV, I think. | 她在为电视节目录制视频好像 |
| [07:04] | Man, we barked for five hours | 哥们 我们可是拉了五个小时客 |
| [07:06] | and you just throw her onstage? | 而你就让她这么上台了吗 |
| [07:07] | She’s not even passed here. | 她甚至都没通过这里的考核 |
| [07:08] | This guy, he worked out so much and he bulked up so much | 这家伙 他疯狂撸铁 不断增肌 |
| [07:12] | to the point where he just, like, lost his neck, | 到了连脖子都快没了的程度 |
| [07:14] | and he, like, grunted to communicate with me? | 然后他就咕哝着跟我交流 |
| [07:17] | Just be like, “Uhhh!” I had to deal with him | 就是说话只能”呃啊”这样 我不得不像 |
| [07:19] | like I was dealing with Lassie, | 对待灵犬莱西一样跟他交流 |
| [07:20] | I’d be like, “What is it, boy?” You know, he’d be like, “Uhhhh! | 我问他”什么事 孩子” 他”呃啊” |
| [07:24] | Uhhhh!” I’m like, | 咕哝着 我就回他 |
| [07:25] | “Oh, no, it was a hard leg day at the gym?” | “不 今天是不是在健身房疯狂练腿呢” |
| [07:28] | I was actually writing a very similar joke to that. | 我其实写了个跟它非常相似的笑话 |
| [07:31] | “Uhhh!” | “呃啊” |
| [07:31] | “Oh, no, your trainer fell in a well.” | “天啊 不 你的私教掉进井里了” |
| [07:45] | That was great. Did you get your tape? | 刚刚的表演真棒 你视频录好没 |
| [07:47] | Uh, no. No, no, no. I hate this place. | 没 没有 我讨厌这个地方 |
| [07:50] | Sorry. I just– ugh– it’s like a haunted ski lodge. | 抱歉 我只是 这里就像个闹鬼的滑雪小屋 |
| [07:53] | Yeah, there’s a vibe. | 是的 确实有那么一种气氛 |
| [07:55] | I feel like, in that room, it’s like you’re doing comedy | 我觉得在那个屋子里就好像是在给 |
| [07:57] | for the people you’re making fun of. | 你取笑的那些人表演 |
| [07:59] | Yes. | 没错 |
| [08:00] | Yeah. You’re up there, I’m like, | 是吧 你站在台上 就好像 |
| [08:02] | “I’m talking about you!” | “我说的就是你” |
| [08:03] | Yeah! Exactly! | 对 没错 |
| [08:04] | – “My examples are you!” – “Are you!” | -“我举的例子说的就是你” -“就是你’ |
| [08:06] | Yeah. Yes. | 是的 是的 |
| [08:07] | – “You don’t see the irony… – Yeah. | -“你难道看不出很讽刺吗 -没错 |
| [08:09] | …of me performing for you?” | 我居然在为你表演” |
| [08:11] | That makes me feel a lot less alone. | 你这么说让我找到了点共鸣 |
| [08:13] | – Yes. Oh, I’m glad. – You should come back. | -是的 我很高兴 -你应该再回来表演 |
| [08:15] | Any time you like. | 随时都行 |
| [08:16] | I’m here every night of the week. | 我每晚都在这里 |
| [08:18] | You ever see me out front, we can throw you up. | 你只要看到我门口 就可以安排你上台 |
| [08:21] | I think they’d be lucky to have you. | 我觉得你能来表演是他们的荣幸 |
| [08:23] | Thanks. | 谢了 |
| [08:24] | Petey. How do we look, Pete? | 皮特 搞得怎么样了 皮特 |
| [08:26] | Oh, what’s up, man? Uh, this– this is, uh, Ali. | 你好啊 这位是爱丽 |
| [08:28] | Ali just went up, she’s- | 爱丽刚上了台 她 |
| [08:29] | Hi, Ali, Pete. How do we look? | 爱丽 皮特 搞得怎么样了 |
| [08:31] | Uh, you know, it’s like about half, maybe? | 差不多一半了 |
| [08:33] | What did we talk about earlier? | 我们之前是怎么谈的来着 |
| [08:35] | Well, you said I could work the door until you got here, so… | 你说在你回来前我负责看门 |
| [08:38] | Till I got here! | 在我回来前 |
| [08:38] | Yeah. Till you– so– | 是 在你 |
| [08:39] | What am I, a fuckin’ apparition? | 怎么 我现在是个幽灵吗 |
| [08:42] | Fliers, hand, corner. | 传单拿好 角落拉客去 |
| [08:44] | MacDougal Street, West Third. | 麦克道格街和西三街路口 |
| [08:46] | – It was nice– – Come on! Sweet cheeks! | -很高兴 -快去 小白脸 |
| [08:47] | Okay. All right. Nice meeting you! | 好好 很高兴认识你 |
| [08:53] | Uh, so nice to meet you. | 很高兴认识你 |
| [08:54] | Hey, wait a second. Hey, hey. | 等下 |
| [08:57] | Yeah? | 什么事 |
| [09:00] | Where– You know– I mean– | 你是哪 |
| [09:05] | I think women are… funny. | 我觉得女性都很 有趣 |
| [09:08] | Okay. Uh… cool. | 是哦 挺好 |
| [09:11] | Just make sure to tell your friends. Spread the word. | 记得告诉你的朋友 宣传一下 |
| [09:17] | Fuckin’… I– I– I– | 真他妈 我 我 我 |
| [09:19] | what am I doin’ wrong? | 我做错什么了 |
| [09:21] | People make fun of me ’cause I’m gullible. | 大家总笑话我 因为我很容易受骗 |
| [09:23] | Anybody here gullible? | 这里有人也是这样吗 |
| [09:23] | Not a trap. Not a trap. | 不是陷阱 不是陷阱 |
| [09:25] | Yeah. Yeah. Good people. | 都是好人 |
| [09:28] | Honest people. I don’t understand why we’re the butt of the joke, | 老实人 我不明白为什么要把我们当成笑柄 |
| [09:31] | gullible people. People tease me, | 容易上当的人 大家都笑话我 |
| [09:33] | “Oh, you’re so gullible. Pete’s gullible.” | “你太容易上当了 皮特贼好骗” |
| [09:35] | Doesn’t that just mean I’m an open-hearted, kind person? | 这难道不是说明了我是个胸怀宽广的好人吗 |
| [09:40] | You lie to me, I believe you, | 你骗了我 我还相信你 |
| [09:44] | I’m the asshole? | 我倒成了坏人了 |
| [09:50] | Thanks, guys, thanks very much. Have a good night. | 谢谢大家 非常感谢观看 祝晚上愉快 |
| [09:52] | I’m Pete Holmes. | 我是皮特·福尔摩斯 |
| [10:06] | Saw a group of cops on horses. | 我看见一群条子骑着马 |
| [10:08] | How fuckin’ ridiculous. Why do they have jobs? | 真搞笑 他们怎么找着工作的 |
| [10:13] | Can they do real cop stuff? | 他们能干点正经条子干的活儿吗 |
| [10:15] | ‘Cause every time I see ’em, they’re like– | 我每次看见他们 他们都是这样 |
| [10:23] | Sure, I’ll take a picture. | 行吧 给我拍一张吧 |
| [10:29] | Can they foil crimes? | 他们能打击犯罪吗 |
| [10:32] | Like, if I stole your wallet and ran, | 比如说 我偷了你的钱包拔腿就跑 |
| [10:33] | would they be like, | 他们是不是就这样 |
| [10:37] | Jumpin’ over stuff. | 飞驰过去 |
| [10:40] | And they can’t arrest you because there’s no room. | 他们也没法逮捕你 因为马背上没位置了 |
| [10:47] | Yeah, they’re not gonna be like, | 他们不会说 |
| [10:48] | “You’re under arrest. Uh, get on.” | “你被捕了 上马” |
| [10:53] | Hey, man. | 老兄 |
| [10:54] | You can’t stand here. | 你不能站在这 |
| [10:57] | I’m– I’m Pete. I’m a comedian. | 我 我是皮特 我是个喜剧演员 |
| [10:59] | Wait. You’re Pete Holmes? | 等下 你是皮特·福尔摩斯 |
| [11:01] | – Yeah. – I’ve seen you before, man. | -是啊 -我之前见过你 |
| [11:03] | Really? | 真的吗 |
| [11:04] | You did that set about | 你有一场表演 |
| [11:05] | your wife fuckin’ another guy, right? | 说你老婆上了另一个男人 对吧 |
| [11:08] | Yeah. Yeah, that– that was me. | 对 对 是我 |
| [11:10] | I would keep that shit to myself, man. | 我觉得家丑不宜外扬 |
| [11:12] | Yeah, I know now– | 我现在知道了 |
| [11:14] | I’m not proud of that set, either. I regret it. | 我并不引以为荣 我也挺后悔的 |
| [11:17] | Sorry, man. We all have our problems. | 抱歉 家家都有本难念的经 |
| [11:19] | I can’t make my wife have a orgasm. | 我不能让我老婆高潮 |
| [11:23] | I h– I hope you figure that out. | 祝你早日解决问题 |
| [11:26] | Thanks, man. Appreciate that. | 谢了 承你吉言 |
| [11:29] | You still can’t stand there. | 你还是不能站在这 |
| [11:31] | Okay. Sorry. | 好吧 抱歉 |
| [11:33] | And– And we’re at the Friars, | 我们在传道士酒吧 |
| [11:35] | and Jerry Lewis is sitting at a table there, | 杰利·路易斯在那坐着 |
| [11:39] | and I go to his manager, | 我走到他的经纪人面前 |
| [11:40] | and I take out my phone, | 掏出我的手机 |
| [11:41] | and I say, “Would he mind?” | 说”他会介意吗” |
| [11:43] | And he goes, “Jerry hates those. | 他说”杰利不喜欢这样” |
| [11:47] | He hates– Don’t try to do it.” | 他讨厌 别这样 |
| [11:49] | And so I say hello to Lewis, | 所以我和路易斯打了招呼 |
| [11:51] | and I say, “I guess you wouldn’t like me | 我说”我想你不会让我 |
| [11:54] | to take a picture of you,” And he goes, | 给你拍照” 他回道 |
| [11:57] | “I would punch you in your fucking face.” | “我要一拳揍在你的脸上” |
| [12:03] | Maybe he thought you were talking about a hand job? | 或许他觉得你说的是手活 |
| [12:06] | I hate to say it, but I’ve heard the same story, | 无意冒犯 但我听过类似的故事 |
| [12:08] | but it was Shari Lewis. | 不过里面说的是莎莉·刘易斯 |
| [12:10] | And it wasn’t at the Friars Club, | 也不是在修道士酒吧 |
| [12:11] | it was at a bus station somewhere in Cleveland. | 在克利夫兰的一个公交车站 |
| [12:13] | It was Daniel Day Lewis. | 是丹尼尔·戴·刘易斯 |
| [12:14] | Oh, well, there you go. | 你说得对 |
| [12:17] | Like Lewis and Clark, was like, um– | 就像刘易斯和克拉克似的 |
| [12:23] | Excuse me, I think they introduced me. | 抱歉 他们叫到我了 |
| [12:25] | Lewis Carroll. | 路易斯·卡罗 |
| [12:26] | – See you later, Gilbert. – See you, man. | -回见 吉尔伯特 -再见 哥们 |
| [12:28] | You the man, Gil. | 加油 吉尔 |
| [12:29] | – Gilbert Gottfried? – Yeah. | -吉尔伯特·戈特弗里德 -对 |
| [12:30] | – Is he goin’ up? – Why don’t you tell him | -他要上台吗 -你可以告诉他 |
| [12:32] | your favorite movie is “Problem Child.” | 你最喜欢的电影是《小捣蛋》 |
| [12:33] | People say I look like John Ritter. | 大家说我长得像约翰·瑞特 |
| [12:36] | Yeah, if he had a daughter. | 要是他有女儿的话就像了 |
| [12:40] | I guess. | 应该是吧 |
| [12:41] | Hey, are we goin’ to the Hole for your birthday or what, Dan? | 你过生日我们到底去不去小穴俱乐部了 丹 |
| [12:43] | – Yeah, that’s the plan. – Yeah, it’s Dan’s special day. | -就是这么计划的 -对 丹的大日子 |
| [12:46] | He woke up in a trunk | 在后备箱醒来 |
| [12:47] | covered with stickers from different cities. | 浑身都是各个城市的贴纸 |
| [12:50] | You’re tryin’ to say I look like a ventriloquist’s dummy? | 你是想说我像个口技艺人的道具娃娃吗 |
| [12:53] | Yes, I am. | 就是这意思 |
| [12:54] | Well, keep with the insults, and I’ll never bang you. | 接着损我吧 我再也不干你了 |
| [12:57] | What’s the Hole? | 小穴俱乐部是什么 |
| [12:58] | Burlesque joint. | 联合滑稽表演 |
| [12:59] | It’s guys on stage, one little guy with a big dick, | 男的上台 小个子男的长个大家伙 |
| [13:02] | one giant guy with a really small, | 大个子男的长个特别小的 |
| [13:05] | – Tic Tac dick, right? – Scary. | -一丢丢的家伙 -挺可怕的 |
| [13:07] | All you gotta bring is an umbrella and a towel, | 你只要带一把雨伞一条毛巾 |
| [13:10] | and you’re good. | 就足够了 |
| [13:11] | What do you mean bring an umbrella and a– | 带什么雨伞毛巾 |
| [13:13] | he ain’t goin’. | 他不去 |
| [13:13] | – What? – With my birthday, my rules. | -为什么 -我是寿星 我说了算 |
| [13:17] | I got nothin’ against him, but I don’t know the guy, | 我对他没意见 但是我不认识他 |
| [13:19] | I wanna be surrounded by people I like and Dave. | 我希望身边都是我喜欢的人以及戴夫 |
| [13:21] | Come on, Dan, let him go and stop your yappin’. | 算了 丹 让他去吧 别婆婆妈妈的了 |
| [13:23] | I’m allowed to pick! | 我有选择的权利 |
| [13:24] | You know what? You’re not comin’, it’s settled. | 知道吗 不带你 就这么定了 |
| [13:26] | Y– You’re a man of God. You cannot come to this. | 你太一本正经了 这地方你来不了 |
| [13:28] | I– First of all, I couldn’t get an erection next to this guy, | 不说别的 在这人旁边我都硬不起来 |
| [13:30] | it’d be– it’d be too weird. | 那样太别扭了 |
| [13:31] | See? Me and Artie are on the same page. | 我和阿迪达成共识了 |
| [13:33] | People gotta put their foot down. | 人总是要坚定立场的 |
| [13:35] | I– I’ll stay here and pray for you. | 我在这为你祝福吧 |
| [13:36] | Yeah, I was wondering what you were doin’… Take care, bye. | 我还寻思你干点什么呢 保重 再见 |
| [13:38] | Okay, to the Hole! | 出发去小穴俱乐部 |
| [13:41] | Sorry. | 抱歉 |
| [13:51] | Is this, uh, empty? | 这有人吗 |
| [13:52] | Yeah, no… please. | 没人 请坐 |
| [13:56] | These people are done with these, right? | 这帮人喝完了吧 |
| [13:57] | Yeah, yeah, yeah… unless you want some whiskey. | 是的 你要是想喝威士忌就喝吧 |
| [14:00] | Oh, no, I don’t drink. Never have. | 不 我不喝酒 从来没喝过 |
| [14:02] | – I– I’m not– – You’re not– – You don’t drink? | -我不喝 -你不喝酒 |
| [14:05] | No, not really. | 不怎么喝 |
| [14:06] | Teetotaler or just– not– don’t drink often? | 禁酒主义者 还是不常喝 |
| [14:08] | I– I– I was raised not to really… partake too much. | 从小到大就是受到教育就是少碰这些东西 |
| [14:12] | Me too. | 我也是 |
| [14:13] | – Really? – My parents never did. | -是吗 -我父母从来不喝 |
| [14:14] | – Protestant? – Yeah. | -新教徒吗 -是的 |
| [14:15] | I mean, when I was a child, yes. | 小时候是 |
| [14:18] | M– My name is Penn. Penn Jillette. | 我叫佩恩 佩恩·吉利特 |
| [14:20] | I know you’re– you’re a wonderful magician. | 我知道 你是一个特别棒的魔术师 |
| [14:22] | – Oh, thank you. – I love magic. | -谢谢 -我特别喜欢魔术 |
| [14:23] | – Oh, thanks. – I really do. | -谢谢 -我真心喜欢 |
| [14:24] | W– And I was hoping you’d say your name. | 我等着你介绍自己呢 |
| [14:26] | Sorry, it’s Pete. | 抱歉 我叫皮特 |
| [14:27] | Pete, hello, Pete. Nice to meet you. Peter. | 你好 皮特 很高兴认识你 皮特 |
| [14:29] | But you’re a– you’re a big atheist now, right? I mean– | 但你现在是无神论者了 对吗 |
| [14:33] | Yeah. I have been for a long time. | 是的 很长时间了 |
| [14:35] | I– I guess my whole adult life. | 成人之后一直都是 |
| [14:37] | I stuck with it, I guess. | 我觉得我是摆脱不了了 |
| [14:38] | Oh, did you? | 是吗 |
| [14:39] | Jesus is still my co-pilot. | 耶稣仍然是我的副飞 |
| [14:42] | He’s great. He doesn’t drink either. | 他人不错 也不喝酒 |
| [14:43] | – Oh, really? – Very– Very smooth flight. | -是吗 -飞行特别平稳 |
| [14:45] | I thought there was the wine thing. Isn’t there the wine? | 我以为还喝葡萄酒什么的 不是喝圣酒吗 |
| [14:47] | You know– it was one miracle… | 就那一次 |
| [14:50] | The rest of the time he was pretty dry. | 其它时间他都不喝酒的 |
| [14:52] | You really do believe? | 你真的相信吗 |
| [14:53] | – Yeah. – Christian god? | -嗯 -基督上帝 |
| [14:54] | Chris– Yeah. All three. | 基督 对 三个我都信 |
| [14:56] | I mean, I don’t wanna be dismissive, | 我不是不尊重你啊 |
| [14:57] | but you actually believe that there’s a being | 但是你真的相信有人 |
| [15:00] | that cares about, forgive me, | 关心你的 原谅我这么说 |
| [15:01] | but your masturbation? Cares about everything you do? | 关心你的手淫 关心你所做的一切吗 |
| [15:04] | Yeah, you– you know, we make– | 没错 我们之间 |
| [15:05] | And you don’t have any gnawing doubts about that? | 你一点都没有怀疑过吗 |
| [15:07] | You don’t think that maybe you’re– | 你会不会觉得 |
| [15:09] | you’re letting things slide by you | 或许你放任一些原本美好的事物 |
| [15:10] | – that could be more beautiful? – Like what? | -从你身边溜走了 -比如什么 |
| [15:12] | Like life? | 比如生活 |
| [15:14] | So you don’t– you don’t believe in something watching us, | 所以你不相信有神在注视着我们 |
| [15:17] | something keeping all of this going? | 维持一切正常运转吗 |
| [15:19] | I’m not sure there’s no God, but I don’t know. | 我不确定上帝究竟是否存在 但是我不知道 |
| [15:23] | The most important revolution in human history, | 人类历史上最伟大的变革 |
| [15:26] | more important than agriculture, | 比农耕还要伟大 |
| [15:27] | more important than writing, | 比写作还要伟大 |
| [15:29] | is the scientific revolution. | 那就是科学革命 |
| [15:31] | Came down to three words: | 总结下来就是三个字 |
| [15:33] | I don’t know. | 不知道 |
| [15:36] | And no institution, no church, no king, | 没有组织 没有教堂 没有国王 |
| [15:40] | no power structure had ever said in history, | 没有任何权力结构曾经说过 |
| [15:43] | “I don’t know.” | “不知道” |
| [15:45] | I just– What if you’re wrong? I mean– I– I– could never– | 如果你错了呢 我永远不会 |
| [15:48] | What if you’re wrong? | 如果你是错的呢 |
| [15:49] | What if I’m wrong? I– I– I mean, either way, I’m good. | 如果我错了 不管怎么样 我都没关系 |
| [15:52] | – You’re right– – No, no, that’s not true. | -你是对的 -不不不 不是这样的 |
| [15:54] | I mean, that’s– that’s the problem with Pascal’s Wager, | 这就是”帕斯卡赌注”的症结所在 |
| [15:56] | is there’s more than one choice. | 选择不唯一 |
| [15:58] | You could spend your whole life prayin’ your ass off to Jesus, | 你可以一辈子拍耶稣的马屁 |
| [16:02] | and then find out that it’s actually Zeus, | 到最后发现上帝其实是宙斯 |
| [16:05] | and he doesn’t like you praying to Jesus. | 而他不喜欢你向耶稣祈祷 |
| [16:06] | I– I– I– I’m enjoying the certainty I get from my faith. | 我享受信仰带给我的确定性 |
| [16:10] | You don’t have certainty. | 你根本不确定 |
| [16:11] | – I do. – No, you don’t. | -我确定 -你不确定 |
| [16:13] | I do. | 我确定的 |
| [16:14] | You can’t get certainty just by willpower. | 意念给不了你确定性 |
| [16:17] | You can’t force yourself to believe things | 你不能强迫自己信仰 |
| [16:19] | that you don’t have evidence for. You just can’t do it. | 无证可循的事物 根本不可能 |
| [16:21] | You can’t force certainty. | 你不能强迫获得确定性 |
| [16:24] | Yeah, but this– this is all I have. I mean, I– I can’t– | 我只有这个了 我不能 |
| [16:27] | This is how I was raised, I can’t just… | 我从小受到的教育就是这样 我不能 |
| [16:29] | put it aside because you make some sense. | 就因为你说的有点道理 我就放弃信仰 |
| [16:31] | I mean, it’s hard for me to admit that you’re making some sense. | 我很难承认你说的真的很有道理 |
| [16:35] | Yeah, I– I– I dig that. It’s hard to change. It’s really hard. | 我理解 信仰很难改变 非常难 |
| [16:38] | It’s hard for someone my age | 就像对我这个年龄的人来说 |
| [16:40] | to admit that the– the Beatles weren’t that good. | 很难承认甲壳虫乐队没那么优秀一样 |
| [16:56] | – Doug Benson. – Hey! | -道格·本森 -你好啊 |
| [16:58] | Do you know Penn Jillette? | 你认识佩恩·吉利特吗 |
| [17:00] | Yeah, he’s in there, right? The magician? | 他就在里面 那个魔术师 |
| [17:02] | I once saw him make a whole plate of nachos disappear. | 有一次我看见他把一整盘的玉米片变没了 |
| [17:09] | I just thought everything was one thing, | 我原来以为万物都是一体的 |
| [17:13] | but it turns out it might be nothing. | 但是事实上它们都是虚无的 |
| [17:15] | Everything is nothing? | 万物都是虚无的 |
| [17:18] | – Yeah, everything– – That’s not cool. | -万物 -太不好玩了 |
| [17:20] | How can everything be nothing? | 怎么可能是虚无的呢 |
| [17:23] | Because we don’t– ahh– | 因为我们没有 |
| [17:24] | It’s everything. | 这可是万物啊 |
| [17:26] | But do you know? | 但是你知道吗 |
| [17:27] | About everything? | 知道万物吗 |
| [17:29] | What if it was Zeus? | 如果是宙斯呢 |
| [17:30] | What if it was this one and now he’s mad, | 如果是这个 而且他很生气 |
| [17:32] | and now you die, and chances are… | 当你死去的时候 就有可能 |
| [17:35] | Who’s Zeus? | 谁是宙斯 |
| [17:36] | That’s my point. Who’s God? | 我就是这个意思 谁是上帝 |
| [17:37] | Who is god? Do you know? | 谁是上帝 你知道吗 |
| [17:39] | Zeus? | 宙斯 |
| [17:40] | What if you’ve been praying to Jesus | 如果你一直向耶稣祈祷 |
| [17:44] | and it was Zeus? | 但是上帝却是宙斯呢 |
| [17:47] | Je-Zeus. | 耶斯 |
| [18:07] | Mom, can we go inside? It’s so cool! | 妈妈 我能进去吗 里面太好玩了 |
| [18:30] | I’m– I’m here for Dan’s birthday? | 我是来参加丹的生日聚会的 |
| [18:34] | The– Uh– The comedians? Buncha guys, | 一群喜剧演员 |
| [18:37] | don’t look like they belong here? | 看上去不像是该来这里的人 |
| [18:43] | Thank you. Thanks. | 谢谢 谢了 |
| [19:02] | Yikes! | 噫 |
| [19:05] | He found us, man! | 他找到我们了 |
| [19:07] | This is crazy, this is like the second “Matrix”! | 这太疯狂了 这里就像虚拟世界 |
| [19:09] | Oh, all right, exactly. | 好吧 还真是 |
| [19:10] | In Zion? | 存在于真实世界中 |
| [19:12] | You should scream your act, you’re funnier. | 你该为自己喝彩 你又变逗了 |
| [19:15] | I ordered– I ordered a water. | 我点的是水 |
| [19:17] | Oh, these are from the gentleman at the bar, | 这些是吧台的先生送的 |
| [19:18] | I think he’s a fan of you guys. | 他应该是你们的粉丝 |
| [19:20] | Oh, really? Pete, can you help us out? | 真的吗 皮特 你能帮我们解决吗 |
| [19:22] | Yeah! I– I could use a drink, yeah! | 当然 我很想喝一杯 |
| [19:24] | – On the house. – Cheers! | -我们请客 -干杯 |
| [19:26] | Okay, all right… | 好吧 |
| [19:27] | Oh, dude, that’s a sipper. | 老兄 这酒要小口品 |
| [19:30] | Oh, all gone! | 全喝完了 |
| [19:31] | Lemme in! | 给我让个座 |
| [19:32] | Oh, my God, he’s sitting down now? | 我的天 他现在还坐下了 |
| [19:34] | Oh, boy. | 天啊 |
| [19:35] | Ahh– Who’s is this? | 这是谁的酒 |
| [19:37] | – Oh, no! – That was, uh, yours! | -不 -你喝吧 |
| [19:38] | You take every major religion… | 你把所有主流宗教… |
| [19:41] | Ah, here we go… | 开始了 |
| [19:42] | and you mix ’em together, | 都混为一谈 |
| [19:44] | – Right… – they all say the same thing. | -好吧 -它们说的都是一样的道理 |
| [19:45] | I’m being lectured by a pile of cookie dough over here. | 怂炮在给我上课 |
| [19:47] | What do you think happens when you die? | 你觉得自己死时会发生什么 |
| [19:49] | You’re gonna die. | 你总会死的 |
| [19:50] | I don’t know man. I just try not to think about it. | 我不确定 我试着不思考这问题 |
| [19:52] | “What– What is everything?” is– is a better question. | “万物是什么” 是个更好的问题 |
| [19:55] | I mean, there’s– you know, bigger things? | 有更伟大的东西吗 |
| [19:58] | Please stop with this shit. | 拜托停下这堆废话 |
| [19:59] | Let’s just watch this woman scratch her nose with her clit, | 我们先看这女人怎样用她的阴道蹭鼻子 |
| [20:02] | because… that’s wondrous. | 因为… 这很不可思议 |
| [20:11] | Are you married? | 你已婚吗 |
| [20:12] | No, no, no! | 不不不 |
| [20:13] | I– I– I’m clinging to the past. | 我只是在怀念过去 |
| [20:16] | No, you’re right! It’s fuckin’ weird! | 你是对的 这太他妈奇怪了 |
| [20:18] | Fuck that thing! | 去他妈的 |
| [20:50] | This is the part of the night, you know, | 这是今晚要聊的话题 |
| [20:52] | I mean, Artie… | 阿迪 |
| [20:53] | – Yeah? – This is where it happens. | -什么 -我们坐在这里 |
| [20:55] | – We start lookin’ for chicks. – Yeah. | -我们开始找妹子了 -对 |
| [20:58] | I have to get up very early tomorrow to sell umbrellas | 我明天早上必须很早起床去宾州车站门口 |
| [21:00] | in front of Penn Station, | 卖雨伞 |
| [21:01] | but… uh… | 但是… |
| [21:03] | Actually, if you guys are free later, | 其实如果你们待会有空 |
| [21:04] | I teach a 4:00 a.m. spin class at the Crunch on Lafayette. | 我凌晨四点要在拉法叶百货的健身房教形体课 |
| [21:07] | That’s cool. Give it up for my buddy, Artie Lange, everybody. | 很棒 大家给我兄弟阿迪·兰格鼓鼓掌 |
| [21:11] | Yeah. Did you have a good time? Yeah. | 你们开心吗 |
| [21:14] | Artie, I know you can’t stay. | 阿迪 我知道你不能久留 |
| [21:15] | You have an episode of “Storage Wars” to shoot, | 你还有一集《仓库淘宝大战》要拍 |
| [21:17] | but, uh… | 但… |
| [21:20] | – I love the look, though. – Yeah, well… | -但我喜欢你这打扮 -是啊 |
| [21:21] | You look like a scalper for every band I didn’t see in the ’80s. | 你就像八十年代见不到的那种乐队票贩子 |
| [21:25] | Dude, if you’re not on the line-up, | 老兄 如果你不上台 |
| [21:27] | – you can’t be down here. – Come on. | -你就不能站在这 -拜托 |
| [21:29] | I’m not in anybody’s way, I’m just– | 我没挡别人的路 我就是在… |
| [21:32] | Listen, I don’t make the rules, man, I just enforce ’em. | 规矩不是我定的 我只负责执行 |
| [21:33] | Wait, hold on a second. Hey, is that Pete? | 等一下 那是皮特吗 |
| [21:36] | Yeah, it’s Pete! | 对 是皮特 |
| [21:37] | – There he is! – Pete, come up here, man. | -他在那里 -皮特 上台来 |
| [21:38] | Get up here, buddy, yeah. | 上来 伙计 |
| [21:40] | – I’m sorry. – Pete Holmes! | -抱歉 -皮特·福尔摩斯 |
| [21:41] | Give it up for Pete. | 欢迎皮特 |
| [21:44] | Fresh from the Hole! | 刚从小穴俱乐部回来 |
| [21:47] | Great! | 棒极了 |
| [21:49] | Nice! | 真棒 |
| [21:51] | – Oh, easy. – Fine, fine! | -慢点 -没事 没事 |
| [21:53] | So Pete, how’s the comedy scene treatin’ you here in New York? | 皮特 你在纽约的喜剧表演事业进展如何 |
| [21:56] | Well, you know, I hand out fliers for stage time, | 我为演出发传单 |
| [21:58] | I don’t know if you guys saw any of those out there, | 我不知道你们有没有看见外面的传单 |
| [22:00] | – that’s one of me, I do that. – There you go. | -其中有我的功劳 -干得不错 |
| [22:02] | You’re handing out fliers. | 你分发传单 |
| [22:03] | I hand out fliers. | 我发传单 |
| [22:04] | Have you heard of the Internet? Anything, uh… | 你听说过互联网吗 任何事… |
| [22:08] | Are you gonna send out a telegraph about your first hour, or no? | 你是不是要及时寄出关于你首演的电报 |
| [22:13] | I like– I like this drunk Pete. I like him. | 我喜欢喝醉的皮特 我喜欢他 |
| [22:15] | – It’s a lot– you’re fun. – Yeah. | -你挺逗啊 -嗯 |
| [22:17] | Artie, if you’re not wearing your Fitbit, | 阿迪 你没戴测步仪 |
| [22:19] | how do you know if you get your step today? | 你咋知道今天有没有走够步数 |
| [22:23] | That’ll hurt in the morning. | 早上起来会很难过的 |
| [22:26] | – How do I get my step? – This is great. | -怎么走够步数 -这个赞 |
| [22:29] | I don’t like being mean! | 我也不想损人 |
| [22:31] | No, be mean! | 没事 损吧 |
| [22:32] | – That’s all right. – I like being mean. | -没事 -损人还挺好玩 |
| [22:34] | – Be mean. – By any means necessary. | -损吧 -随便损 |
| [22:36] | How did you get here? Did you slip a 50 to the TSA? | 你怎么来的 给了交通管理局50块吗 |
| [22:42] | Pete, easy. Easy, buddy. | 皮特 行了 |
| [22:44] | Hold on a second. Let me see your mike. | 等等 把麦克风给我看一下 |
| [22:48] | Okay, I just had to turn it to “Funny.” Go ahead. | 我得调成”搞笑”模式 继续吧 |
| [22:57] | That was great. | 刚才说得不错啊 |
| [22:58] | Hey, thank you. | 谢谢 |
| [23:09] | Ali. | 爱丽 |
| [23:12] | Door guy. | 看门的 |
| [23:14] | Do you bark here, too, or… | 你也要在这拉客吗 |
| [23:17] | Uh, no, I was just onstage. | 不是 我刚才上台表演了 |
| [23:19] | Saw you up there. I didn’t get to go on, | 看到了 我没机会上去 |
| [23:21] | ’cause you guys were dicking around for like 20 minutes. | 你们在上面瞎扯淡了20分钟吧 没时间了 |
| [23:24] | So… | 嗯 |
| [23:25] | Sorry. | 抱歉 |
| [23:26] | It’s all right. | 没事 |
| [23:29] | You’re really funny. | 你真的很搞笑 |
| [23:31] | Thank you. | 谢谢 |
| [23:32] | Really– like, I’m not just saying that. | 真的 我不是随便说说的 |
| [23:34] | Like, when I saw your set, I was like, | 我看你的表演之后就在想 |
| [23:35] | “What– what happened? | 什么情况 |
| [23:38] | What happened to you?” | 你咋了 |
| [23:40] | It doesn’t make any sense, ’cause you’re really beautiful | 没道理啊 你这么漂亮 |
| [23:43] | and you’re really funny. And that doesn’t– those– | 还很搞笑 这 |
| [23:45] | you’re, like, not comedy hot, you’re regular– you’re lady hot. | 不是说你长得搞笑 是真的好看 |
| [23:49] | You’re like a Barney’s department store hot. | 你跟高档百货店一样美丽 |
| [23:52] | Thank you. | 谢谢 |
| [23:53] | And then you’re funny? | 然后还这么搞笑 |
| [23:55] | Fuck you, man. What? | 我操了 |
| [23:58] | You’re so shitfaced. | 你真的醉了 |
| [24:01] | A little bit. | 有点吧 |
| [24:01] | Yeah. | 嗯 |
| [24:02] | – A little bit. – You’re really gone. | -有点 -你醉得不轻 |
| [24:05] | Yeah. | 嗯 |
| [24:07] | I think y– I think you should take me home. | 你把我带回家吧 |
| [24:12] | – What? – I think you should take me home with you. | -啥 -你把我带回家呗 |
| [24:14] | Why would I do that? | 为啥 |
| [24:16] | Because! | 因为 |
| [24:17] | I mean– You really want a reason? | 你真的要问 |
| [24:19] | I mean, this is– this is fate, I saw you, | 这就是命啊 我俩之前见过 |
| [24:21] | and I’m seeing you again. | 现在又见到了 |
| [24:24] | I mean, what are the chances that we’re all alive? | 我们活着的几率有多大 |
| [24:28] | With sunsets and babies, | 能看日落 有宝宝 |
| [24:30] | and-and, there’s gotta be more | 然后还有 |
| [24:32] | than just Chinese food and Cold Stone Creamery | 中餐和酷圣石冰淇淋 |
| [24:36] | and sleeping in a garage, you know what I’m saying? | 睡在车库 明白我的意思吗 |
| [24:38] | It’s not– | 这不是 |
| [24:40] | Is there something later? Perhaps, maybe not. | 以后还会有机会吗 谁知道呢 |
| [24:44] | But there is something that we can do today, | 但咱俩今天可以做点什么呀 |
| [24:47] | and we can be kind, | 我们可以很友好 |
| [24:49] | and we can be lovely, | 很有爱 |
| [24:51] | and we can be sexual | 很性感 |
| [24:54] | and sensual. | 很肉欲 |
| [24:57] | Sorry, are you just doing a Russell Brand bit? | 你在模仿罗素·布兰德的段子吗 |
| [24:59] | Russell Brand has valid points. | 罗素·布兰德说的也没错啊 |
| [25:07] | Okay. You can buy me a drink. | 好吧 请我喝一杯吧 |
| [25:12] | I’ll buy you a drink. | 我请 |
| [25:28] | Shit. | 操 |
| [26:20] | – Wait, wait, wait. – What, what? | -等等 -怎么了 |
| [26:21] | Before the– the main event, you, um– | 开始正戏前 |
| [26:24] | I just wanna make sure you want– | 我就是想确认一下 |
| [26:26] | you wanna d– you wanna do this, yeah. | 你真的想干 |
| [26:28] | All signs point to yes. | 所有迹象都表明很想 |
| [26:29] | Yeah, yeah, yeah. | 好嘞 |
| [26:31] | I do– I do, too. | 我也是 |
| [26:32] | – Yeah? – I r– really do. | -是吗 -真的很想 |
| [26:33] | Okay, here we go. | 那就来吧 |
| [26:43] | Oh, yeah. Oh, you feel so good. | 好舒服 跟你做爱好舒服 |
| [26:48] | Feels great. | 太爽了 |