| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| [00:14] | Oh, you just heard gossip. | 哦 有八卦 |
| [00:16] | No, I didn’t. | 才没有 |
| [00:17] | Yes, you did. | 绝对有 |
| [00:18] | I know your gossip face. | 我知道你那八卦脸 |
| [00:19] | Gossip and turkey pastrami. | 吃着火鸡熏肉听八卦 |
| [00:21] | It’s gonna be a great night. | 今晚真是太有爱了 |
| [00:22] | – No! – Tell it. | -没有 -老实交代 |
| [00:24] | – Burt, I… – Spill it. | -伯特 我 -坦白从宽 |
| [00:25] | – I promised… – Don’t fight it; let it out. | -我保证 -抗拒从严 说吧 |
| [00:26] | Ah! Fine, but you can’t tell anyone else. | 靠 好吧 我说 但是严禁外传 |
| [00:32] | – We swim in that pool! – I know, right? | -我们可在那个泳池里游泳呢 -无敌吧 |
| [00:34] | Wha… you know what? | 啥 你们知道啥 |
| [00:36] | Nothing. | 没啥 |
| [00:37] | Oh, you got gossip. Come on. | 哦 有八卦 快说 |
| [00:38] | – No. – Tell it. | -没有 -老实交代 |
| [00:39] | – Stop! – Let it out, let it out, let it out. | -打住 -说吧说吧说吧 |
| [00:41] | Damn it! | 该死的 |
| [00:42] | Dancin’ Dan and Whistlin’ Sue | 跳舞丹和口哨苏 |
| [00:44] | have been hooking up at the Rec Center. | 在娱乐中心搞起来了 |
| [00:45] | I found out from Government Conspiracy Gordon. | 我从政府阴谋家戈登那儿听来的 |
| [00:49] | Boy, the homeless people in this town have great nicknames. | 这镇上流浪汉的外号真够拉风的 |
| [01:07] | Morning, Mrs. Chance, Mr. Chance. | 早上好 吉斯太太 吉斯先生 |
| [01:10] | Hey, Tyler, what’s up? | 嗨 泰勒 干嘛呢 |
| [01:12] | Still reeling from that 13th astrological sign. | 我还迷茫于那个不吉利的占星预兆 |
| [01:15] | Kind of need to reevaluate a lot of things | 俺得用崭新的眼光看待这个世界了 |
| [01:17] | and remove a tattoo. | 再除个纹身什么的 |
| [01:19] | I think he meant what’s up with the wrench. | 我想他问的是 那扳手是用来干嘛的 |
| [01:21] | Oh, yeah! | 哦对 |
| [01:22] | I am so, so sorry to bother you, | 真不好意思麻烦你们 |
| [01:24] | but I have to shut off your gas. | 但是我得给你们停气了 |
| [01:27] | The gas bill cannot be overdue. | 我不可能欠气费 |
| [01:29] | I always go into the check cashing place | 每次我带奶奶买药时 |
| [01:31] | next door to the pharmacy and I pay it while I’m waiting | 我都会在药店隔壁取钱 |
| [01:33] | for them to refill Maw Maw’s prescription. | 然后交气费 |
| [01:35] | And I always remember to get her new pills | 而每次我去浴室壁橱里拿卫生棉时 |
| [01:37] | when I have to go into the bathroom cupboard for a tampon. | 都会想起给奶奶买药 |
| [01:39] | And since my friend has not arrived yet, | 现在我的”老朋友”还没来 |
| [01:42] | the gas bill cannot be late. | 所以气费不可能超期了 |
| [01:44] | It says here you’re two weeks late. | 这里写的是你晚了俩星期了 |
| [01:50] | Oh, good Lord, I’m two weeks late! | 额滴个神呐 我晚了俩星期了 |
| [01:53] | You mean late late? | 你是说 那种晚 |
| [01:54] | Like, late late? | 那种 那种晚 |
| [01:59] | You know what? | 这样吧 |
| [02:00] | I’m just gonna check this box | 我干脆在这里填上 |
| [02:02] | that says “Loose dog in the yard.” | “门前有疯狗撒欢”吧 |
| [02:04] | That should buy you about a week or two. | 这可以让你们拖个一俩星期 |
| [02:08] | Man, this is crazy. | 神呐 太疯狂了 |
| [02:09] | We’re always so careful. | 我们一向很小心的嘛 |
| [02:11] | Sometimes we’re so careful, it’s not even that fun. | 有时候小心到 都不好玩了 |
| [02:14] | The drive-through car wash. | 洗车一条龙那次 |
| [02:16] | Oh, man. | 哦 天呐 |
| [02:17] | That was so beautiful though | 当时景色倒是超梦幻的 |
| [02:19] | with the multicolored soap running down the windows. | 车窗外都是五颜六色的泡泡 |
| [02:21] | What are we gonna do? | 咱们咋办 |
| [02:23] | We cannot afford… | 我们养不起 |
| [02:25] | Fairlane. | 奇兵 |
| [02:26] | I am telling you, Ford Fairlane | 我跟你讲 《神探奇兵》 |
| [02:30] | is Andrew Dice Clay’s best movie. | 是安德鲁·戴斯·克雷最好的电影 |
| [02:32] | How can you say that? | 瞎说啥啊 |
| [02:33] | He was in Pretty in Pink. | 他还出演过粉红女郎 |
| [02:34] | Uh, doesn’t count. | 不算数 |
| [02:36] | He wasn’t Andrew Dice Clay then. | 他当时还不叫安德鲁·戴斯·克雷 |
| [02:38] | Jimmy, back me up on this. | 吉米 帮你爹说句话 |
| [02:40] | Dad, I’ve told you a hundred times, | 老爹 我得强调几百次你才明白 |
| [02:42] | I have no idea who Andrew Dice Clay is. | 我完全不知道安德鲁·戴斯·克雷是啥玩意儿 |
| [02:50] | Nice job covering. | 掩饰得不错 |
| [02:51] | Oh, my God, Burt. | 神呐 伯特 |
| [02:53] | We cannot have another baby. | 咱们不能再要孩子了 |
| [02:55] | Let’s-Let’s not freak out | 咱 咱先别慌 |
| [02:56] | – until we know for sure. – You’re right. | -搞清楚再说 -有道理 |
| [02:58] | But still, Jimmy cannot find out about this. | 但无论如何 吉米不能知道这件事 |
| [03:00] | I love making fun of his unplanned pregnancy. | 我就爱拿他的意外怀孕开玩笑 |
| [03:03] | I don’t want to lose that. | 我不想失去这个把柄 |
| [03:04] | Yeah, we can’t just go back to | 我们不能一夜回到解放前 |
| [03:05] | making fun of his stupid T-shirts. | 从此只能拿他的破短袖开玩笑 |
| [03:07] | It’s not as rich an area. | 油水太少了 |
| [03:09] | I’ll go to the free clinic today, | 我今儿去免费诊所 |
| [03:10] | and I’ll find out what’s going on. | 查查究竟咋回事儿 |
| [03:11] | Until then, mum’s the word. | 我回来前 把住口风 |
| [03:14] | Got it. | 得令 |
| [03:17] | Why does my room smell like old people? | 我房间为啥闻起来这么老 |
| [03:21] | Because yesterday we let an old person go in there. | 因为昨天我们让一老人进去过 |
| [03:25] | Thank God. I thought it was me. | 谢天谢地 我还以为是我自己老了呢 |
| [03:34] | Hey, would you grab that for me? | 帮我接下电话呗 |
| [03:39] | “Free clinic”? Why is the… | 免费诊所 为啥 |
| [03:41] | I got it! | 我来接 |
| [03:44] | Hello. | 喂 |
| [03:45] | Hey. Uh, I’m filling out this form at the free clinic, | 嗨 我在免费诊所填表 |
| [03:48] | and I need to know your mother’s maiden name. | 我需要知道你妈妈的婚前姓氏 |
| [03:50] | Chance. | 吉斯 |
| [03:51] | No, her maiden name. | 不 她的婚前姓氏 |
| [03:52] | Like, before she was married. | 她结婚前用的那个 |
| [03:54] | Chance. | 吉斯 |
| [03:55] | Really? | 真的假的 |
| [03:57] | Third cousins, big drinkers, things happen. | 旁系表兄 一群酒鬼 自然而然 |
| [04:00] | Okay, then. | 好吧 |
| [04:01] | I’ll call you when I know something. | 我知道结果后打给你 |
| [04:02] | Okay. | 好 |
| [04:05] | What was that? | 啥事儿啊 |
| [04:06] | Wrong number. | 打错电话了 |
| [04:07] | It said “Free clinic,” | 上面显示 免费诊所 |
| [04:08] | and it took too long for a wrong number. | 打错电话也不用唠这么久啊 |
| [04:10] | Yeah, well, I like human contact, Jimmy. | 我喜欢与人交谈 吉米 |
| [04:12] | Dog contact, too. | 狗也成 |
| [04:13] | Cats are good. | 猫也不错 |
| [04:15] | Birds make me nervous. | 鸟类有点小恐惧 |
| [04:21] | When can she be here? | 她啥时候能来 |
| [04:22] | Yeah, I have to go. I have to call you back. | 我得挂了 回头打给你 |
| [04:24] | – Jesse! You want me to come back there? – Excuse me. | -杰西 欠收拾了是不 -打扰一下 |
| [04:27] | I’ve been sitting, waiting for my results… | 我刚才坐那里等结果 |
| [04:28] | We were just about to call you back. | 我们正准备给你打电话 |
| [04:30] | Uh, please take a seat in area seven, okay? | 在七床坐一下好吗 |
| [04:43] | Hey. | 嗨 |
| [04:44] | Oh. Hey! | 哦 嗨 |
| [04:47] | You here for the-the flu shot, too? | 你也来打流感疫苗吗 |
| [04:49] | Yes, I am. Yeah. | 当然啊 对 |
| [04:51] | Don’t have to be a bird to get the bird flu. | 禽流感不一定只有禽才能得嘛 |
| [04:54] | Or so they say in the pamphlets. | 至少传单上是这么说的 |
| [04:59] | Good news. You’re not pregnant. | 好消息 你没怀孕 |
| [05:01] | Here’s a pamphlet describing over | 这个传单上写了 |
| [05:03] | 20 kinds of birth control we can provide to you. | 我们能提供的20种避孕措施 |
| [05:05] | Seven of which have not worked for me. | 其中7种在我身上失灵了 |
| [05:10] | Well, we got the same result | 你的测试结果 |
| [05:12] | from the pregnancy test you took at home: | 和你在家做的测试结果相同 |
| [05:14] | inconclusive. | 尚无定论 |
| [05:15] | I say, wait five more days | 我建议 再等五天 |
| [05:17] | and try the home test again. | 回家再测一次 |
| [05:27] | Sorry I lied. It’s just that we didn’t tell Jimmy. | 对不起我撒谎了 只是我们不想让吉米知道 |
| [05:31] | It would be really bad for me if he found out, | 要是被他发现 会很囧的 |
| [05:35] | I didn’t want to burden you with my secret. | 我不想让我的秘密成为你的负担 |
| [05:36] | Oh, no, no, no, I totally understand. | 不不不 我懂的 |
| [05:38] | I don’t want everybody at the grocery store | 我也不想让杂货店的那些人 |
| [05:40] | gossiping about my business. | 八卦我的个人生活 |
| [05:41] | I’d really appreciate it | 我也真心地希望 |
| [05:42] | if you just didn’t mention my thing to Jimmy either. | 你千万不要对吉米提我的这事 |
| [05:48] | Okay? | 行吗 |
| [05:51] | I’d like to… I really would. | 我也想…我真的很想 |
| [05:54] | But I’m not great at holding on to gossip, so… | 但是我非常不善于保守秘密 |
| [05:58] | How hard can it be? | 这能有多难 |
| [06:00] | You’re an adult; just don’t say anything. | 大家都是成年人 管好嘴巴就行了 |
| [06:02] | But Burt and Jimmy always know | 可是每次我知道点猛料 |
| [06:04] | when I’ve got something really juicy. | 吉米和伯特都能一眼看穿 |
| [06:06] | Plus, I got to be honest, after cleaning toilets all day, | 还有 实话跟你说 在刷了一天厕所以后 |
| [06:09] | delivering gossip just makes me feel special. | 唯有爆料能让我找回点存在感 |
| [06:13] | You know? | 你懂吗 |
| [06:14] | Like those cool scumbags on TMZ. | 就像TMZ[美国八卦网站]上的长舌妇一样 |
| [06:16] | But you don’t want Jimmy to find out | 但你不想让吉米发现 |
| [06:17] | about your pregnancy scare, right? | 你的怀孕门 对吧 |
| [06:19] | God, no. | 当然不想 |
| [06:21] | – That would be awful. – Okay. | -他发现就囧大了 -好吧 |
| [06:22] | Well, if you blab my secret, I’ll blab yours. | 如果你爆我的料 小心我以牙还牙 |
| [06:26] | Are you blackmailing me? | 你是在威胁我吗 |
| [06:29] | I guess I am, yeah. | 算是吧 |
| [06:32] | Damn, I like you. | 这性格 我喜欢 |
| [06:35] | Is someone sick? | 有谁病了吗 |
| [06:36] | No! I told you, no. | 没有 都跟你说了 没有 |
| [06:39] | Then just tell me why the free clinic called, | 告诉我免费诊所为什么给你打电话 |
| [06:41] | and I’ll leave you alone. | 我就不烦你了 |
| [06:42] | Fine. | 好吧 |
| [06:44] | I’m donating a kidney to the mayor. | 我要把肾捐给市长 |
| [06:47] | Why would you be giving a kidney to the mayor? | 你捐肾给他干啥 |
| [06:49] | You voted for the other guy. | 你当初支持的是别人 |
| [06:51] | Can’t you put petty politics aside for one day, Jimmy? | 你能把你那狭隘的有色眼镜放下一天吗 |
| [06:53] | The man’s life is at stake. | 那男人的命都快没了 |
| [06:55] | The mayor’s a woman. | 市长是个女的 |
| [06:56] | Can’t you just let me have this? | 你不拆穿我会死啊 |
| [06:58] | This is as close as I’ll ever get to being mayor! | 我感觉自己伟大得就像当上了市长一样 |
| [07:01] | I’m not letting this go! | 别以为就这么完了 |
| [07:09] | Hello? | 喂 |
| [07:11] | Burt, it’s negative. | 伯特 结果是阴性 |
| [07:12] | I’m not pregnant! | 我没怀孕 |
| [07:14] | Mom? | 老妈 |
| [07:15] | Why would you be pregnant? | 你怀什么孕 |
| [07:16] | No es mommy. Estoy Rosa. | 什么老妈 我叫罗莎[西班牙语] |
| [07:18] | It’s my phone! | 是我的电话 |
| [07:20] | Don’t answer my phone! | 不许接我电话 |
| [07:23] | Do you have any idea how crazy your behavior was? | 知道你们有多不靠谱么 |
| [07:26] | You already had one giant mistake, | 你们已经犯过一个大错了 |
| [07:28] | me… wasn’t that enough to teach you? Huh? | 就是生了我…你们还不吸取教训 |
| [07:30] | I mean, it’s not like we have enough space or money for another kid. | 我们既没钱也没地儿养孩子了 |
| [07:33] | How could you be so unresponsible? | 你们咋能这么不负责任呢 |
| [07:35] | We’re responsible. | 我们很负责的 |
| [07:38] | We’re just also passionate and spontaneous. | 可我们也有冲动有生理需求啊 |
| [07:40] | Those would be our gladiator names | 如果我们参加《美国角斗士》[真人秀节目] |
| [07:42] | if we were on American Gladiator. | 这就是我们的艺名 |
| [07:44] | Which we still might do. | 我们还是有可能参加的 |
| [07:45] | Because we’re spontaneous. | 因为我们活得随性 |
| [07:47] | Okay, first of all, Gladiator sounds awesome. | 好吧 首先 角斗士挺带感 |
| [07:50] | But no babies. | 但是不能生孩子 |
| [07:52] | One of you has to get fixed or spayed. | 你俩要么结扎要么绝育 |
| [07:54] | No way! | 做梦 |
| [07:55] | You cannot decide that, Jimmy. | 这事轮不到你拿主意 吉米 |
| [07:57] | That is a personal decision. | 这是我们俩自己的事 |
| [07:59] | She’s right. | 她说的对 |
| [08:00] | I think we should take a family vote. | 我看咱得来场家庭投票 |
| [08:02] | All those in favor of everyone keeping their original plumbling? | 同意保持现状的请举手 |
| [08:06] | Sorry, Jimmy, you’re outvoted two to one. | 不好意思 吉米 2比1 你输了 |
| [08:09] | I vote with Jimmy. | 我支持吉米 |
| [08:10] | Hold on. Two to two. | 看看 2比2了 |
| [08:12] | Only if she’s lucid. | 除非她是清醒的 |
| [08:13] | She’s only allowed to vote if she’s lucid. | 她神志清醒才能投票 |
| [08:15] | Maw Maw… | 奶奶… |
| [08:16] | we are currently at war with what country? | 咱们现在跟哪个国家打仗呢 |
| [08:19] | Iraq and Afghanistan. | 伊拉克和阿富汗 |
| [08:22] | Is she right? | 她说得对吗 |
| [08:24] | I think so, but I’m not sure. | 好像是吧 我也不确定 |
| [08:26] | It’s right, you morons. | 就是正确答案 你们这些白痴 |
| [08:28] | One more reason why you shouldn’t have another baby. | 你们不能再要孩子的理由又多了一条 |
| [08:30] | Look, we’re five people | 听着 咱家有五口人 |
| [08:33] | living in a four-person house. | 可房子只够四个人住 |
| [08:35] | We need another baby | 咱家要是再添孩子 |
| [08:37] | like we need a gorilla throwing fireworks. | 还不如要只猩猩来表演扔烟花爆竹呢 |
| [08:41] | I change my vote. | 我倒戈了 |
| [08:42] | What? Now you’re on their side? | 啥 你站到他们那边儿了 |
| [08:44] | It’s not a horrible idea. | 这主意也没那么糟 |
| [08:46] | And she’s right… | 而且她说得对… |
| [08:47] | another baby would not be good for any of us. | 再来个孩子是百害无一利 |
| [08:49] | Yes! That’s three votes… now we just have to decide… | 很好 我们有3票…现在我们决定… |
| [08:52] | – Not it! – Tie. | -别找我 -平局 |
| [08:53] | We’ll have to do a coin toss. Mom, call it. | 咱们扔硬币决定 妈 你先选 |
| [08:55] | Okay, heads, I win, tails, you lose? | 好的 头像我赢 数字你输 |
| [09:00] | Tails, you lose. | 数字你输 |
| [09:02] | Damn it! | 瞄了个咪的 |
| [09:03] | I never win coin tosses! | 扔硬币我就没赢过 |
| [09:13] | We got a problem. | 咱们有麻烦了 |
| [09:15] | What? | 咋了 |
| [09:16] | This morning I realized | 今天早上我想到 |
| [09:18] | that Jimmy found out about my pregnancy scare, | 既然吉米已经戳穿了我的怀孕门 |
| [09:21] | and there was absolutely nothing | 我现在就没义务 |
| [09:22] | to keep me from telling him your secret. | 帮你保守秘密了呀 |
| [09:25] | How are we supposed to pay for this? | 咱们没那么多钱 |
| [09:27] | I found a doctor who agreed to do it for free | 我找了个愿意免费给你动手术的医生 |
| [09:29] | if we clean his pool for a year. | 代价是帮他刷一年的泳池 |
| [09:31] | I knew I had to get out of there before they saw my face, | 我知道我必须得在他们发现之前出门 |
| [09:34] | but my car keys were in the kitchen. | 但我的车钥匙在厨房 |
| [09:36] | How big’s his pool? | 他家泳池多大 |
| [09:38] | Medium size. | 中不溜儿 |
| [09:39] | So am I. | 我的体格也是中不溜儿 |
| [09:41] | Sounds fair. | 听着挺公平 |
| [09:43] | Just don’t tell me when it is… too stressful. | 但是千万别告诉我日期…压力太大 |
| [09:45] | Just pick a date and surprise me. | 你就到时候给我惊喜得了 |
| [09:50] | I’m not gonna be able to keep your secret. | 我没法儿再帮你保守秘密了 |
| [09:52] | If they had seen my face, it’d already be out. | 他们一看见我肯定能发现 |
| [09:54] | Then you need to tell me another secret. | 那你再告诉我一条你的秘密吧 |
| [09:57] | Something good and juicy, | 一些生猛的料 |
| [09:59] | you know, like a… | 你懂的 比如… |
| [10:00] | a summer camp sexual experimentation secret. | 性爱体验夏令营之类的 |
| [10:04] | Did you just tell me another secret? | 你是不是又告诉我了一个秘密 |
| [10:07] | No. | 不是 |
| [10:10] | All right. | 好吧 |
| [10:14] | This truly is my deepest, darkest secret. | 这绝对是我最见不得人的秘密了 |
| [10:19] | Okay. | 明白 |
| [10:22] | There is a sex tape of me and Burt floating around town, | 坊间流传了一盘我和伯特的性爱录像带 |
| [10:25] | and he doesn’t know about it. | 他对此一无所知 |
| [10:27] | You guys are a regular Pam and Tommy Lee. | 你俩真是现实版的陈老师和娇妹子 |
| [10:29] | Oh, no. Don’t get me wrong, Burt’s no slouch, | 得了吧 说实话 伯特确实有两下子 |
| [10:32] | but he can’t steer a boat. | 但还远没到陈老师的级别 |
| [10:34] | Anyway, about five years ago, me and Burt were having a fight, | 总之吧 五年前我和伯特大吵过一架 |
| [10:38] | so I gave away his bootleg copy of Fast and the Furious, | 我就把他那盘《速度与激情》的盗版碟送掉了 |
| [10:41] | only the tapes got switched, | 没想到带子被掉包了 |
| [10:43] | and I gave away our sex tape. | 我送出去的是我们的爱情动作片 |
| [10:46] | Okay. Great. | 好 很好 |
| [10:47] | Now, picture me telling Burt. | 现在想象一下我把这事告诉了伯特 |
| [10:49] | I’d be mortified. | 他会杀了我的 |
| [10:52] | Damn, you’re good with this blackmail thing. | 擦 你绝对是个天生的敲诈犯 |
| [10:55] | I really think we can be friends. | 咱俩真是相见恨晚啊 |
| [11:00] | Oh, this is gonna be so sweet! | 太开心了 |
| [11:03] | We’ve hardly been to the Arcade at all since Hope was born. | 喜旺出生后我们都没来过游戏机房 |
| [11:06] | – Surprise… it’s vasectomy day. – Damn it! | -有惊喜哦 今天是结扎日 -该死 |
| [11:09] | I knew when you told me to wear | 我就知道你让我穿条好点的内裤 |
| [11:10] | my good underwear to play Asteroids… | 玩陨石大战会有诈 |
| [11:11] | something was up! | 果不其然 |
| [11:14] | After the local anesthetic has numbed the area, | 我已经对你那里进行了局部麻醉 |
| [11:17] | I’ll make one or two small incisions | 稍后会在你的生殖腺上 |
| [11:20] | from which I will disconnect the gonads. | 动两刀以完成结扎 |
| [11:23] | – Who are they? – The gonads. | -是谁啊 -生殖腺 |
| [11:25] | Your boys, your plums, you know, family jewels. | 你小弟 蛋蛋 就是睾丸啦 |
| [11:27] | No. Who are they? | 不 我是问 他们是谁 |
| [11:31] | Those are my students. | 这都是我学生 |
| [11:32] | I teach English as a second language | 我在社区中心 |
| [11:35] | at the Community Center… | 教外国人英语 |
| [11:36] | Guys, come a little bit closer. I want you to get a better look. | 伙计们 凑过来些 都看仔细了 |
| [11:38] | – Now, this… is a penis. – I am out of here. | -看好了 这就是阴茎 -我得走了 |
| [11:41] | Dad, we had a deal. | 爸 我们说好的 |
| [11:43] | Yep, yep, it’s a deal you’re not backing out of. | 没错 说好的不许反悔 |
| [11:45] | My pool’s not turning green just because | 不能因为你们两颗老鼠屎 |
| [11:47] | you’re getting a case of cold walnuts. | 就毁了我一锅粥 |
| [11:49] | Jimmy, give me my pants. I can’t do this. | 吉米 把裤子给我 我受不了了 |
| [11:50] | Mr. Chance, would you like a breath mint? | 吉斯先生 要不要来颗薄荷糖 |
| [11:56] | – Oh, this tastes awful. – Oh, that’s because it’s a sedative. | -真难吃 -因为那是镇静剂 |
| [11:58] | In about five minutes, | 五分钟后 |
| [11:59] | you’ll let me do anything I want down there. | 你就任我宰割了 |
| [12:02] | And that’s how easy it is to get roofied. | 放倒一个人 就是那么简单 |
| [12:04] | That should act as a cautionary lesson… | 你们该把这看作姑娘们该学的预警课 |
| [12:06] | for the girls, not as an instructional lesson for the guys. | 而不是教男生们怎么使坏的课哦 |
| [12:15] | Jimmy… | 吉米 |
| [12:18] | you know how your mother and I | 你知道我和你妈 |
| [12:19] | always told you that drugs were bad? | 总是费尽心思让你远离毒品吧 |
| [12:21] | – Yeah. – We were wrong. | -知道 -我们错了 |
| [12:24] | This stuff’s amazing. | 这东西太他妈销魂了 |
| [12:28] | It’s like I’m floating and sinking at the same time. | 我感觉自己浮浮沉沉 |
| [12:32] | I’m flinking. | 飘飘欲仙 |
| [12:35] | Just do me a favor. | 帮个忙 |
| [12:37] | Don’t tell Jimmy. | 别告诉吉米 |
| [12:38] | Okay. | 好的 |
| [12:40] | All righty. | 好了 |
| [12:42] | Let’s get this started. | 咱们开始吧 |
| [12:44] | First thing I need to do | 首先要做的是 |
| [12:45] | is a little shaving in the surgical area. | 把手术部位毛发剃净 |
| [12:47] | Whoa, no, no, no, no. | 不不不不 |
| [12:49] | That’s not gonna happen, partner. | 这可不行 老兄 |
| [12:51] | Well…if you’re uncomfortable with another man doing it, | 要是你觉得让男人给你做这些感觉怪怪的 |
| [12:54] | we could ask one of my female students… she’s Asian. | 我可以找个女学生来 她是亚洲人 |
| [12:56] | No! That would be worse! | 那更糟了 |
| [12:59] | Only one woman shaves me down there… that’s my wife. | 只有一个女人能做这个 就是我太太 |
| [13:04] | Only once. | 就剃过一次 |
| [13:05] | I wanted to see what it looked like. | 当时我想看看它的庐山真面目来着 |
| [13:07] | I don’t recommend it. | 我建议还是别剃为好 |
| [13:09] | Tell you what, give me the razor… I’ll do it myself. | 剃刀给我吧 我自己来 |
| [13:11] | No, no, no, I can’t give a razor to a man who’s on sedatives. | 不行 我不能把剃刀给服过镇静剂的人 |
| [13:14] | How about him? He’ll do it. | 那他呢 让他来 |
| [13:16] | Whoa, I don’t think… | 不是吧 |
| [13:17] | Well, let’s go home, then. | 那咱就回家去 |
| [13:23] | Ooh, that tickles. | 好痒啊 |
| [13:25] | Oh, Dad, come on! | 老爸 严肃点 |
| [13:27] | Oh, sorry. | 不好意思 |
| [13:28] | I forgot that was you down there for a second. | 我差点忘了下面那个是你 |
| [13:32] | It isn’t so bad. | 也没感觉很糟嘛 |
| [13:35] | They should have places that do this in the Mall. | 商场里该弄个铺位做这个 |
| [13:38] | They could call it Bush-Whackers. | 可以取名叫丛林清道夫 |
| [13:41] | Hey, I know… as soon as you’re finished, I’ll do you. | 这样吧 等你弄完了 换我帮你刮 |
| [13:44] | I’m good. | 我不需要 |
| [13:48] | Jimmy, I just realized… | 吉米 我忽然想到 |
| [13:52] | in a couple of days, I’m gonna have a prickly pair. | 接下来几天 我小弟会很刺人 |
| [13:56] | That’s great, Dad. Can’t wait. | 很好 我都迫不及待了 老爸 |
| [13:59] | Hey, buddy. | 哥们 |
| [14:01] | You remember that time you shaved me? | 还记得你给我剃毛时的场景吗 |
| [14:03] | Yes! Because I’m still doing it. | 能不记得么 我还在剃着呢 |
| [14:04] | Ah, we got so many fun times together. | 我们在一起时总是好快乐 |
| [15:02] | Oh, those were good times. | 过去的日子太美好了 |
| [15:06] | Hey, buddy, you remember that time you shaved my… | 亲爱的 还记得那次你剃 |
| [15:08] | Please just stop talking. | 求求你别说了 |
| [15:10] | All right. | 好吧 |
| [15:12] | Let’s sever some vas deferens. | 我们要准备切断输精管了 |
| [15:14] | Hey, Jimmy. | 吉米 |
| [15:15] | Yeah? | 怎么了 |
| [15:17] | Pull my finger. | 拉拉我的手指 |
| [15:18] | I really don’t think so. | 我不要 |
| [15:19] | – Come on, buddy. – No! | -乖嘛 -不要 |
| [15:21] | I don’t want to. I had to drag you in from the car, | 想都别想 我今天已经把你从车上拽来这里 |
| [15:24] | I had to hold you down on the bed, | 把你按到床上 |
| [15:25] | I had to shave you below your waist. | 还清理了你脐下三寸 |
| [15:27] | I am not lifting, moving, | 我今天再也不要 |
| [15:28] | tugging or pulling anything else of yours today. | 拽 拉 摸 碰 你任何一个部位了 |
| [15:32] | Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go to the bathroom | 现在 请原谅 我要去下洗手间 |
| [15:35] | and wash my eyes. | 自插双目 |
| [16:02] | We have another problem. | 咱们又有麻烦了 |
| [16:06] | Last night, we were having a normal dinner: | 昨晚我们照例吃着鱼当晚餐 |
| [16:09] | fish for Friday. | 每周五的惯例 |
| [16:11] | For the first time in days, | 那一整天 |
| [16:13] | I actually forgot about your situation. | 我头一次忘了你那事儿 |
| [16:15] | I could feel calm… but I was too calm. | 我觉得自己很平静 可是太平静了 |
| [16:18] | So, anything interesting happen to anyone today? | 今天有什么好玩儿的吗 |
| [16:22] | Any gossip? | 有八卦么 |
| [16:24] | He said “Gossip”? | 他说了”八卦”这词儿 |
| [16:25] | – Yes! – No. | -没错 -不是吧 |
| [16:26] | – Yes! – God! | -真的 -我擦 |
| [16:27] | I know! | 我明白 |
| [16:28] | Soon as I heard that, | 我一听到这词儿 |
| [16:30] | the gossip started to fight its way out. | 八卦就在我体内挣扎着要破口而出了 |
| [16:32] | I saw some pretty cool out-of-state license plates today. | 我今天看到几个其他州的车牌 超酷的 |
| [16:35] | Do tell. | 说来听听 |
| [16:36] | Well, I saw this Alaskan one. | 我看到一个阿拉斯加的 |
| [16:37] | I felt like I had an armadillo | 我感觉体内就像有个小穿山甲 |
| [16:39] | inside me trying to claw its way out. | 想穿透我的身体把八卦泄露出去 |
| [16:41] | I looked away, and I kept telling myself… | 我转过脸 提醒自己说 |
| [16:43] | Sex tape. Sex tape. | 性爱录像 性爱录像 |
| [16:45] | But then Hope threw a curveball, | 这时喜旺突然嫣然一笑 |
| [16:47] | and I was back to thinking “Baby.” | 于是我又开始想 孩子 |
| [16:48] | I just lost it! | 我就失神了 |
| [16:52] | Oh, look. | 哇哦 瞧啊 |
| [16:54] | Look… | 快瞧 |
| [16:55] | she’s got something. | 她有料 |
| [16:56] | Mama’s got a secret. | 老妈有秘密哦 |
| [16:58] | No, I don’t. | 没有没有就没有 |
| [17:00] | Yes, you do. | 绝对有 |
| [17:01] | Come on, spill it, spill it. | 赶紧的 快说快说 |
| [17:03] | Spill it, spill it, spill it. | 快说 快说 快说 |
| [17:04] | Just let it out… | 不吐不快啊 |
| [17:06] | I lost our sex tape! | 我把咱的性爱录像弄没了 |
| [17:07] | – You told your own secret?? – I had to! | -你把你自己的秘密说出来了 -不然咋办 |
| [17:10] | They knew I had gossip, | 他们知道我有八卦了 |
| [17:11] | and they weren’t gonna stop until I told them something. | 我不说点什么他们是不会罢休的 |
| [17:13] | And the only other secret | 除了你的秘密 |
| [17:14] | I could think of other than yours was mine. | 我能想到的就只有我自己的了 |
| [17:16] | What was Burt’s reaction? | 伯特啥反应 |
| [17:17] | Not what I expected. | 跟我想的不一样 |
| [17:22] | Somebody’s sitting down to watch Vin Diesel, | 有人本来想看范·迪塞尔的 |
| [17:22] | 范·迪塞尔 《速度与激情》男主角之一 | |
| [17:25] | and they’re gonna see my wiener! | 结果一打开却看到了我的香肠小弟 |
| [17:28] | ‘Cause it looks a little like Vin Diesel. | 长得跟范·迪塞尔还真有点像 |
| [17:31] | So, what happened with my secret? | 那我的秘密呢 |
| [17:33] | Nothing. I just bit my tongue for the rest of the night. | 安全着呢 我后来一直紧紧咬住了牙关 |
| [17:36] | Look, it’s still bleeding a little. | 瞧见没 咬的口子现在还出血呢 |
| [17:39] | But I can’t do that every day, | 可我不能每天都这么垂死挣扎啊 |
| [17:40] | so, listen, if you’re really pregnant, | 听着 你如果真的怀孕了 |
| [17:42] | we’re just gonna have to agree | 那咱得说好 |
| [17:43] | to tell people sooner rather than later. | 尽快把事情公之于众 |
| [17:46] | Well… I’ve been putting this off, | 我一直在回避 拖延 |
| [17:48] | but… I guess it’s time. | 可 我想现在是时候了 |
| [17:50] | Let’s go. | 走吧 |
| [17:54] | Someone’s in here. | 里面有人 |
| [18:01] | Sabrina, hurry. | 塞布丽娜 快点 |
| [18:02] | They were giving out coffee samples in the store, | 店里在送咖啡样品呢 |
| [18:04] | and there’s a line of cheap, jittery women outside. | 有一排小气又不好惹的女人在外面等着呢 |
| [18:09] | I don’t have a baby! | 我没怀孕 |
| [18:10] | And I don’t have a secret! | 那我没秘密了 |
| [18:18] | Oh, hey, Tyler. | 嗨 泰勒 |
| [18:19] | – You work here, too, huh? – Oh, yeah. | -你也在这工作啊 -是啊 |
| [18:21] | Between the propane and the wind and the solar, | 现在有液化气 风能 太阳能 |
| [18:24] | who knows how long natural gas is gonna be around for. | 谁知道天然气还能支持多久啊 |
| [18:27] | But Pac-Man, that’s forever. | 但游戏可是永垂不朽的 |
| [18:31] | – You looking for your pops? – Yeah. | -来找你爹吗 -对 |
| [18:34] | Photo booth. | 拍大头贴呢 |
| [18:38] | Dad, I know you’re in there. | 老爸 我知道你在里面 |
| [18:40] | – Just come on out. – No! | -出来吧 -不要 |
| [18:42] | If he’s not gonna come out, he’s got to take some pictures. | 他不出来就得付费拍照 |
| [18:53] | I know you’re afraid about going through with this, Dad. | 我知道你恐慌 老爸 |
| [18:56] | I’m not afraid. After the pill that guy gave me, | 我不恐慌 那家伙给我吃了那药之后 |
| [18:59] | you could’ve examined my prostate, | 你哪怕检查我前列腺 |
| [19:00] | I wouldn’t even have flinched. | 我都不会眨一下眼的 |
| [19:01] | You did. | 你眨了 |
| [19:02] | See? | 瞧见没 |
| [19:07] | Then why did you run? | 那你为啥要跑 |
| [19:09] | Because you refused to pull my finger. | 因为你不肯拉我的手指 |
| [19:11] | But, Dad, it was a long, hard day. | 可是 老爸 今天实在太多事了 |
| [19:14] | I just wasn’t in the mood for goofing around. | 我只是没那个心情陪你玩 |
| [19:16] | I’m worried about us growing apart. | 我怕你越大 咱们就会越疏远 |
| [19:18] | I know you’ll always be my son, | 我知道你永远都是我儿子 |
| [19:20] | but I don’t know you’ll always be my buddy. | 可我不确定你会不会永远是我哥们儿 |
| [19:23] | What? | 啥 |
| [19:24] | Look… I know I’m like Mad magazine… | 听着 我知道我就好像疯狂杂志 |
| [19:28] | my audience is a pretty specific age, | 我的受众群是个很特殊的年龄群 |
| [19:30] | probably, like, ten to 17. | 可能 大概 10至17岁吧 |
| [19:32] | You’re 22 now… you got a kid of your own. | 你现在22了 都有了自己的孩子 |
| [19:34] | You might be outgrowing the Burt Show. | 伯特秀对你来说可能太幼稚了 |
| [19:37] | Having you was the best thing that ever happened to me. | 生下你是我生命中最美好的事 |
| [19:41] | But if you outgrew me, I’d like to have the option | 可你要是嫌弃我 我就只能 |
| [19:43] | to make another little buddy. | 再造一个小哥们儿了 |
| [19:49] | Wait. Having me was the best thing that ever happened to you? | 等等 生下我是你生命中最美好的事 |
| [19:53] | Greatest day of my life. | 那天是我一生中最开心的日子 |
| [19:54] | Well, I always figured that since I was a mistake, | 我一直以为 你们是失误才怀上我的 |
| [19:57] | you guys would rather I turned out to be a pregnancy scare. | 所以你们肯定会把我当作一场灾难 |
| [20:00] | Of course not. | 当然不会 |
| [20:02] | I will always be your buddy. | 我永远都是你的哥们儿 |
| [20:04] | And I promise | 而且我保证 |
| [20:06] | I will never get tired of the Burt Show. | 我永远不会厌烦伯特秀的 |
| [20:11] | I’m not a machine, Jimmy. | 吉米 我又不是机器 |
| [20:13] | I need a little time to… | 我需要时间酝酿 |
| [20:15] | Hold it. Wait. | 稍等 马上 |
| [20:17] | Okay, now! | 好了 快 |
| [20:23] | When Dad realized that he truly had a buddy for life, | 当老爸意识到他真的有个了一生的哥们儿 |
| [20:26] | he happily went through with the vasectomy. | 他很高兴地去接受了输精管切除手术 |
| [20:28] | – Time to switch. – These are still pretty cold. | -该换换了 -这些还没热乎呢 |
| [20:31] | Yeah, but Mom needs the peas for the shepherd’s pie. | 我知道 可老妈需要豌豆来做馅饼 |
| [20:37] | Berries. | 浆果 |
| [20:39] | He wasn’t the only one who learned | 不只他一个人认识到了 |
| [20:40] | that having a buddy you can trust is a cool thing. | 有个可以信任的朋友是件美好的事 |
| [20:42] | Now that you know about my summer at sleepaway camp, | 现在你知道我在死亡集中营过的暑假了 |
| [20:45] | now you got to tell me something about you. | 你得告诉我点你的事 |
| [20:47] | Oh. Remember that time somebody | 记得那次不 |
| [20:49] | knocked over the statue at the black church, | 有人撞倒了教堂的雕像 |
| [20:52] | everybody thought it was a hate crime? | 大家都以为那是起仇恨犯罪 |
| [20:55] | That was the day I taught myself how to drive a stick shift. | 其实是我那天在自学开手动车 |
| [21:00] | I learned something, too. | 我也学到了一些东西 |
| [21:03] | Even though I was a mistake, | 虽然怀上我是个错误 |
| [21:04] | I’m a mistake my parents would gladly make again. | 可如果时光倒流 我爹妈仍很乐意再犯一次 |
| [21:13] | And that is something you and I definitely have in common. | 这点咱俩太相像了 |
| [21:16] | I couldn’t have planned how you came to me in a million years. | 我永远也不会明白咱俩是怎样的缘分 |
| [21:20] | But I always want you to know, | 可我希望你知道 |
| [21:22] | you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. | 你是我生命中最美好的事物 |
| [21:23] | Which is why I’m going to teach you a Chance family tradition. | 所以我要教给你一个吉斯家的传统 |
| [21:27] | Pull my finger. | 拉我手指 |
| [21:29] | Come on. | 来啊 |
| [21:30] | Pull it! | 拉我 |
| [21:32] | Here. | 来 |
| [21:34] | Like this. | 像这样 |
| [21:42] | Bye, bro. The end. | 再见 伙计 本集完 |