| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| [00:06] | Now, that was some fantastic chow mein. | 这炒面真是太好吃了 |
| [00:08] | And before you say that sounded racist | 别说我的发音听起来很种族歧视 |
| [00:10] | you can ask the waiter how they say it. | 你们可以问服务生都怎么念 |
| [00:12] | It’s Panda Express, honey. The waiter’s from Portland. | 这里是熊猫快餐，老公 服务生是波特兰人 |
| [00:15] | All right, who the hell changed my ringtone to the theme from Taxi? | 好，是谁把我的铃声换成了 《计程车》的主题曲？ |
| [00:19] | It’s a new thing on Taxi Tok | 《计程车》圈子现在很流行这么做 |
| [00:20] | that’s a subculture on TikTok | 那是抖音上的亚文化 |
| [00:21] | of kids who decided the theme from Taxi slaps. | 就是一群觉得 《计程车》主题曲很赞的年轻人 |
| [00:23] | Now, you have to play the Taxi theme for ten people | 接下来你得播 《计程车》主题曲给十个人听 |
| [00:25] | while I film it. | 我还要录下来 |
| [00:26] | I don’t have to do shit, that’s dumb. | 我不用做任何事，太蠢了 |
| [00:29] | It raises awareness for leukemia. | 这是为了唤起大家对白血病的关注 |
| [00:31] | So, who else is excited for the zoo tomorrow? | 还有谁跟我一样 期待明天要去动物园？ |
| [00:34] | Zoos are my favorite kind of non-water park. | 动物园是我最喜欢的非水上乐园 |
| [00:37] | It’s just a shame that they both give you diarrhea. | 只可惜去动物园 或水上乐园都会拉肚子 |
| [00:39] | You only get diarrhea at the zoo if you eat the food you’re supposed to feed | 你去动物园会拉肚子 都是因为你吃了 |
| [00:43] | – to the animals. – Which you’ve done, twice. | – 应该要喂动物吃的东西 – 你已经做过这种事两次了 |
| [00:45] | They put it in gumball machines. | 他们都把动物的食物放在口香糖机里 |
| [00:47] | You know, fortune cookies only come true if you eat the cookie first. | 要先把幸运饼干吃掉 里面的签文才会成真 |
| [00:51] | All right. “Hard work often pays off”? | 好，＂努力通常是值得的＂ |
| [00:54] | – Lame. | 烂透了 |
| [00:55] | – “Family time is time well spent.” | ＂跟家人相处的时间都很值得＂ |
| [00:58] | Okay, that’s not only empty, it’s been disproven. | 好吧，这不只很空泛 还已经被推翻了 |
| [01:00] | Okay, mine says, “Family time is time well…” | 好，我的是＂跟家人相处‥＂ |
| [01:02] | – Oh man, I got the same one. | 天啊，我拿到同样的？ |
| [01:04] | Boo. | －烂透了 －烂透了 |
| [01:05] | What’s your stupid 21st century | 你那愚蠢的21世纪安全牌 |
| [01:07] | watered down fortune cookie say, Dad? | 幸运饼干签文是什么，爸？ |
| [01:08] | “You will have sex with your mother.” | ＂你会跟你妈上床＂ |
| [01:47] | Fortune cookies aren’t legitimate, right? | 幸运饼干不是真的有用吧？ |
| [01:49] | Jerry, are you seriously asking | 杰瑞，你是真的在问我 |
| [01:51] | if I think you’re gonna have sex with your mom? | 是不是觉得你会跟你妈上床？ |
| [01:53] | No, I wanted to ask | 不是，我只是想问 |
| [01:55] | if it’s okay with you | 你会不会介意 |
| [01:56] | if I make myself throw up the cookie. | 我把饼干催吐出来 |
| [01:58] | If it makes you feel better | 如果你会好受点 |
| [01:59] | and you can do it quietly, yes. | 又不会太吵就可以 |
| [02:01] | But don’t hand that advice down to Summer. | 别跟夏茉说这些话 |
| [02:06] | Can’t do it. | 无法催吐 |
| [02:07] | Sleepy Gary ruined my gag reflex. | 瞌睡盖瑞害我没有作呕反射 |
| [02:09] | Which is frustrating because Sleepy Gary wasn’t real. | 好烦，因为瞌睡盖瑞根本就不是真的 |
| [02:12] | Neither are fortune cookies. | 幸运饼干也不是真的 |
| [02:13] | Go to sleep, Jerry. | 快睡吧，杰瑞 |
| [02:15] | I know they’re not real. It’s just… | 我知道不是真的 |
| [02:16] | why is it so specific? | 但为何这么具体？ |
| [02:18] | And why are three of the numbers a few numbers off | 而且为什么其中三个数字 |
| [02:20] | from my mom’s birthday? | 有点接近我妈生日？ |
| [02:21] | – Can we investigate this, Rick? | 能调查清楚吗，瑞克？ |
| [02:23] | – It’s not an X-File, Jerry | 别担心，杰瑞 |
| [02:24] | you got the world’s last interesting fortune. | 你只是拿到最后的有趣签文 |
| [02:26] | Dad, can you explain to TikTok what’s going on with your mom? | 爸，你能跟抖音解释 你跟你妈的状况吗？ |
| [02:29] | Summer, no social videoing. What if Mee-Maw sees it? | 夏茉，别在社媒上拍视频 如果奶奶看到怎么办？ |
| [02:32] | We can’t let her know this is a thing that might happen! | 我们不能让她知道 有可能会发生这种事 |
| [02:35] | “Might”? | 等等，＂有可能＂？ |
| [02:36] | She’s calling again. | 她又打来了 |
| [02:37] | She doesn’t usually call this much. | 她通常不会这么频繁打来 |
| [02:38] | Because you don’t usually ghost her. | 因为你通常不会不理她 |
| [02:41] | Because you don’t usually decide you’re at risk of… | 因为你通常不会觉得自己可能‥ |
| [02:44] | What if she’s calling to tell me I’m adopted? | 如果她是打来要跟我说 我是收养来的呢？ |
| [02:45] | Well, yeah, then you should definitely hit that. | 好，那你就一定要上她 |
| [02:49] | That’s not funny! | 不好笑 |
| [02:50] | Jerry, you’re making it funny by taking it seriously. | 杰瑞，你很认真看待这件事很好笑 |
| [02:53] | And none of us will be laughing if you let this ruin our zoo trip. | 如果这件事毁了动物园之旅就不好笑 |
| [02:56] | Rick, can you use science | 瑞克，你能用科学 |
| [02:57] | to make it impossible for me to… | 确保我不可能‥ |
| [02:58] | Jerry, you’re insulting science. | 杰瑞，你这样是在羞辱科学 |
| [03:00] | And as the most powerful man in the universe | 身为全宇宙最强大的男人 |
| [03:02] | if I create technology | 如果打造一种科技 |
| [03:03] | to prevent a random occurrence | 避免随机事件发生 |
| [03:05] | I’ll end up making it more possible than random. | 我反而会让那件事更有可能发生 |
| [03:09] | When do we leave for the zoo? | 我们什么时候要出发去动物园？ |
| [03:11] | One hour. You have one hour to let go of this. | 一个小时后，你得在一个小时内看开 |
| [03:14] | I’m already done thinking about it. | 我决定不要再想这件事了 |
| [03:21] | Check that out, huh? | 看到没？ |
| [03:26] | No! | 不 |
| [03:33] | Let me out! Let me out! | 放我出去‥ |
| [03:37] | – You have ten seconds. – I wanna go. | －给你十秒的时间 －我很想去 |
| [03:39] | You know of my love for the zoo! | 你也知道我很喜欢动物园 |
| [03:40] | Why are you dressed like Morty? | 你为什么要打扮成莫蒂？ |
| [03:42] | Because Morty’s mom is Beth. | 因为莫蒂的妈妈是贝丝 |
| [03:44] | I’m not unpacking that. | 我不想认真思考这问题 |
| [03:45] | Okay, if you think I have this much patience for the zoo, on Earth | 你们如果以为 我对地球上的动物园这么有耐心 |
| [03:49] | you’re sorely mistaken. | 那就大错特错了 |
| [03:50] | Jerry, if you don’t come with us I will be so disappointed. | 杰瑞，你如果不跟我们一起去 我会非常失望 |
| [03:53] | Okay, you guys should probably go on without Jerry. | 好，你们还是别带杰瑞去吧 |
| [03:55] | I just took some readings on his probability field | 我刚刚检测了他的机率场数据 |
| [03:57] | and this fortune has some strange powers | 这个签文有很奇怪的力量 |
| [03:59] | – I’m gonna need to investigate. – Really? | －我得调查一下 －真的吗？ |
| [04:00] | Oh, God, I knew it. | 天啊，我就知道 |
| [04:02] | Okay. Well, be careful, honey. | 好吧，小心点，老公 |
| [04:04] | Bring me back a handful of zebra snacks? | 可以帮我抓一把斑马点心回来吗？ |
| [04:05] | And please take pictures with my favorite animal the white tiger. | 拜托跟我最喜欢的动物白老虎拍些照 |
| [04:09] | Because they breed via incest? | 因为白老虎是靠近亲繁殖出来的吗？ |
| [04:10] | Is that true? | 真的吗？ |
| [04:15] | – I knew I was right. | 我就知道我是对的 |
| [04:16] | – Not even close. | 完全不是 |
| [04:17] | I just didn’t want to see someone get bullied into going to a zoo. | 我只是不希望有人被逼着去动物园 |
| [04:20] | You may be the single dumbest human I’ve ever met, Jerry | 你或许是我见过最蠢的人类，杰瑞 |
| [04:22] | but you still have a right to take whatever you want seriously. | 但你还是有权认真看待 自己想认真看待的事 |
| [04:25] | Thank you. But if that thing says | 谢谢，但如果你的机器说 |
| [04:27] | I’m not gonna do it with my mom | 我不会跟我妈上床 |
| [04:28] | I can go to the zoo. | 那我就能去动物园了 |
| [04:29] | Jerry, this thing measures aberrations in probability waves. | 杰瑞，这是测量机率波偏差的机器 |
| [04:32] | I didn’t even bother to turn it on because if I did… | 我刚刚根本没打开 因为我如果打开‥ |
| [04:36] | – What? – Nothing! Don’t get weird on me, but… | －怎么了？ －没事，不要怪里怪气的 |
| [04:39] | since we’re free for the afternoon, you mind doing a quick activity? | 但既然我们下午没事 那就搞个活动你觉得呢？ |
| [04:42] | We’re gonna disprove this with efficient brute force. | 我们要用有效率的蛮力推翻这件事 |
| [04:44] | These are two shoeboxes, both are empty | 这里有两个鞋盒，两个都是空的 |
| [04:46] | but I wrote your mother’s name on the inside of one. | 但我在其中一个里面写了你妈的名字 |
| [04:48] | What? God, no! | 什么？才不要 |
| [04:49] | If you think for a second I’m gonna put my… | 你如果以为我会把我的‥ |
| [04:51] | Good, I didn’t wanna do this anyway. | 好，反正我也不想做这种事 |
| [04:53] | Fine. Can I just tell you | 好吧，我可以直接告诉你 |
| [04:54] | which box I would put my penis in? | 我会把老二放进哪个盒子吗？ |
| [04:56] | Saying it seems worse, but… okay. | 说出来好像更糟，但没问题 |
| [04:59] | All right. I would put my penis in the box on the right. | 好，我会把我的老二放进右边的盒子 |
| [05:02] | Great, look in the other direction and I’m gonna switch up the boxes. | 很好，转过去，我会调换盒子 |
| [05:05] | This feels really low-tech. | 这感觉很低科技 |
| [05:07] | Yeah, ’cause we’re measuring reality. | 对，因为我们在测量实境 |
| [05:11] | I would take out my penis and place it in the box on the right. | 我会把我的老二掏出来 放进右边的盒子 |
| [05:14] | Again. | 再一次 |
| [05:17] | I would put my penis… | 我会把我的老二‥ |
| [05:18] | Jerry, you don’t have to say penis every time | 杰瑞，你不用每次都说＂老二＂ |
| [05:20] | – just left or right. | 只要说＂左边＂或＂右边＂就好 |
| [05:21] | – Hey, this was your idea! | 嘿，这是你的点子 |
| [05:22] | I didn’t think it’d go on this long. | 我没想到会持续这么久 |
| [05:24] | Okay, penis… Left! | 好吧，老二，不对，左边 |
| [05:27] | Keep going. | 继续 |
| [05:28] | Right. | 右边 |
| [05:30] | Left. | 左边 |
| [05:32] | – Right. – Jerry, are you fucking peeking? | －右边 －杰瑞，你偷看了吗？ |
| [05:34] | Tell me what’s going on! You’re scaring me! | 快告诉我怎么回事，你吓到我了 |
| [05:39] | Okay, I’m just as likely to shit a balloon | 好，我拉出气球的机率 |
| [05:41] | as I am to become a dolphin. | 跟变成海豚的机率一样 |
| [05:42] | Those are things that could happen? | 这两件事有可能发生吗？ |
| [05:44] | Jerry, everything is as likely as anything else. | 杰瑞，所有事发生的机率都是一样的 |
| [05:47] | Which is why it’s weird that you’re at all likely to… | 所以这样很奇怪，你竟然有可能‥ |
| [05:50] | To what? To what? | 可能怎样？ |
| [05:51] | Jerry, has your mother been leaving messages? | 杰瑞，你妈有传讯息给你吗？ |
| [05:54] | Three texts. I’m afraid to read them. | 三则讯息，我不敢看 |
| [05:57] | Read them. | 看吧 |
| [05:58] | She’s asking if she can come visit! | 她想问能不能来找我 |
| [06:00] | Why would she want that? | 她为什么会想来找我？ |
| [06:02] | Jerry, I’m gonna tell you something I’ve never told anyone. | 杰瑞，我得跟你说 我从没跟别人说过的话 |
| [06:06] | We need to go to Panda Express. | 我们得去熊猫快餐 |
| [06:08] | If these guys wanted my respect | 他们如果想获得我的尊重 |
| [06:10] | they could’ve just gotten a liquor license. | 只要申请贩酒执照就行了 |
| [06:11] | Now you think this has something to do with you? | 你觉得这件事是因你而起的吗？ |
| [06:13] | Jerry, whoever’s behind that fortune has, like, god powers. | 杰瑞，做出那个签文的人有神力 |
| [06:16] | Of course, it has something to do with me. | 当然是因我而起 |
| [06:18] | What do you think I am in this story, the father-in-law? | 不然你以为我在这故事里的角色 就只是岳父吗？ |
| [06:25] | You guys wanted my attention? | 你们想引起我的注意吗？ |
| [06:29] | Okay, well, now I’m getting mixed signals. | 好吧，他们有点出尔反尔 |
| [06:33] | Stay here, Jerry, time to kick ass. | 你在这待着，杰瑞，我要大开杀戒了 |
| [06:35] | Gonna need a soundtrack. | 我需要配乐 |
| [06:36] | Ship! Favorites playlist, track one! | 飞船，最爱播放清单，第一首 |
| [06:43] | All right, fine, no wrong answers. | 好吧，这没有对错可言 |
| [07:02] | Tell me where you get your cookies at and we can all | 告诉我你们把饼干放在哪里 |
| [07:03] | – walk out of here alive. – Fuck you, DEA piece of shit! | －我们都可以活着离开 －该死的缉毒局人渣 |
| [07:04] | – DEA? – Cookies? | – 缉毒局？－饼干？ |
| [07:06] | – Fortune cookies. – You’re not here about | －幸运饼干 – 你不是要来 |
| [07:07] | – our gang’s city-wide meth ring? – What? No. | – 抓我们帮派的全市冰毒集团吗？ – 什么？不是 |
| [07:09] | Break the laws, they shouldn’t exist anyway. | 你们尽管违法吧 法律本来就不该存在 |
| [07:13] | Yeah. Wow. I am embarrassed. Me, too. | －天啊，我现在很难为情 －我也是 |
| [07:16] | – Sorry about… these dead guys. – Comes with the territory. | -我很抱歉把这些人杀死了 -这种事难免会发生 |
| [07:20] | So, where do you get your cookies? | 所以你们的饼干是哪来的？ |
| [07:22] | Same distributor as everyone else. | 跟其他人一样的供应商 |
| [07:23] | – That’s their truck out back. – Solid. | 后面那辆就是他们的卡车 |
| [07:25] | Okay, I’m gonna take the truck in exchange for not turning you in. | 很好，让我把那辆卡车开走 我就不检举你们 |
| [07:34] | Jeez, how much money can there be in cookies that you get for free? | 天啊，生产免费赠送的饼干 到底能赚多少钱？ |
| [07:38] | And now, we’re being retina scanned? | 还要扫描视网膜？ |
| [07:40] | Oh, I know! | 好，我知道了 |
| [07:41] | – I’ve got a theory, Jerry. – Oh, good. | －我有个理论，杰瑞 －很好 |
| [07:43] | This place is run by Cookie Monster. | 这里的经营者是饼干怪兽 |
| [07:47] | He’s really protective about his cookies. | 他很在乎他的饼干 |
| [07:49] | Come on, man, you can’t crack a smile? | 你就不能笑一下吗？ |
| [07:51] | Oh, yeah, you’re worried about doing it with your mom. | 对了，你在担心要跟妈妈上床 |
| [07:53] | Okay, fair enough. | 好吧，很合理 |
| [07:59] | Fuckin’ cameras everywhere. | 到处都是该死的监视器 |
| [08:01] | That cup is a camera. | 那个杯子是监视器 |
| [08:02] | That tree is a camera. | 那棵树是监视器 |
| [08:03] | – Can you disable them? | 你能把监视器关掉吗？ |
| [08:05] | – Stealth rule number one | 执行秘密行动的基本原则是 |
| [08:06] | turning off 300 cameras draws more attention | 把三百台监视器关掉 |
| [08:08] | than changing outfits. | 比换衣服更容易被发现 |
| [08:09] | Looks like we need to dress for success. | 看来我们得换上正式服装 |
| [08:12] | Eye of Thundara, give me suits beyond suits! | 霹雳眼，给我最棒的西装 |
| [08:17] | Jerry assistant clothing, MAKE-UP! | 杰瑞助理服装，变身 |
| [08:24] | What the hell was that? | 刚刚那是什么鬼？ |
| [08:25] | Reusable Sailor Moon sequence. | 能重复利用的《美少女战士》片段 |
| [08:27] | If we ever need to show you becoming my assistant again | 我们之后如果还需要 你变成我助理的画面 |
| [08:29] | we can repeat it and save lots of money. | 就可以直接重播，省下很多钱 |
| [08:38] | Why does an operation bigger than the government | 这个规模比政府还大的机构 |
| [08:40] | want me to…couple with my mother? | 为什么会希望我跟我妈性交呢？ |
| [08:58] | Bezos, Bill Gates, prime ministers. | 天啊，贝索斯、比尔盖茨、各国总理 |
| [09:01] | Weirdly, Billy Zane is also here. | 比利赞恩不知道为什么也在 |
| [09:03] | Hello. You’re about to meet me, Jennith Padrow-Chunt. | 大家好，你们即将见到我 珍妮丝帕特洛强特 |
| [09:07] | Fifteen years ago, I was living in my parent’s garage | 我15年前还住在我爸妈家的车库 |
| [09:10] | eating ramen out of a toilet when I discovered something. | 我在吃马桶里的泡面时想通了一件事 |
| [09:13] | Fate isn’t fiction. | 命运不是虚构的 |
| [09:15] | Everything you want can be yours, if you ask for it. | 只要开口要求 就能得到你想要的所有东西 |
| [09:18] | Just ask me. | 问我就知道了 |
| [09:20] | – Hello, me. – Hello, me. | －你好，我 －你好，我 |
| [09:22] | Look at me’s. | 看看我 |
| [09:23] | Every suit I wear is virgin white. | 我穿的所有套装都是纯白色 |
| [09:25] | I sleep on a bed of loose grains | 我都睡在谷粒床上，每天早上一开始 |
| [09:28] | and begin every morning by dragging my perfect vagina across Chinese silver grass. | 都会在白背芒上摩擦我完美的阴道 |
| [09:31] | I’m firm and ripe. | 我很紧实又很成熟 |
| [09:34] | My mother’s plane just landed. | 我妈的班机刚降落了 |
| [09:36] | She took a photo at the airport | 她在机场拍了一张照 |
| [09:37] | in front of that Wolfgang Puck that smells like a kindergarten. | 是在有幼儿园味道的 那间沃夫甘帕克餐厅前面 |
| [09:40] | Want to know the secret – to how I changed my future? | 想知道我改变未来的秘诀吗？ |
| [09:43] | – Yes. – Well, once you’re a level seven investor | －想 －只要成为第七级投资人 |
| [09:45] | you’ll learn that and more. | 就能知道我的秘诀和其他事 |
| [09:47] | Yeah, we’re not getting the answers we want here. | 对，我们无法在这里 得到我们要的答案 |
| [09:49] | Let’s go deeper. | 我们再深入一点吧 |
| [09:55] | And now, thanks to your generous contributions | 接下来，为了感谢你们的慷慨贡献 |
| [09:58] | here are this year’s cookies. | 这些是今年的饼干 |
| [10:01] | “You will receive a 6.8% year on year increase.” Very nice. | ＂你会有6.8％的逐年增长率＂ 太棒了 |
| [10:04] | “Your talents are appreciated… | ＂你的才华会受到重视 |
| [10:07] | when you become junior partner.” | 在你成为初级合伙人之后＂ |
| [10:09] | Holy shit, I’m gonna be on Dancing with the Stars! | 天啊，我要上《与星共舞》了 |
| [10:12] | Please, I can get the money. I swear! | 拜托，我可以筹到钱，我发誓 |
| [10:15] | I’m afraid it’s too late for that. | 可惜已经太迟了 |
| [10:18] | Oh, God, what does it say? | 天啊，签文是什么？ |
| [10:20] | “Your penis will be mangled | ＂你的阴茎会被 |
| [10:21] | by a frozen yogurt machine at the UN?” | 联合国的酸奶冰淇淋机绞碎＂？ |
| [10:24] | I know that machine! | 我知道那台机器 |
| [10:25] | This would sound impossible to a layman | 这在一般人眼中好像不可能发生 |
| [10:27] | but to me, it rings inevitable! | 但对我来说是终究会发生的事 |
| [10:29] | Holy shit. This is real. | 天啊，是真的 |
| [10:31] | They’re controlling fate for profit. | 他们在靠控制命运赚钱 |
| [10:33] | I’m glad you’re happy. Now, can we blow up the building or something? | 你开心就好 我们可以把这里炸掉之类的吗？ |
| [10:36] | I don’t think that’s the best way to take away their power, Jerry. | 这应该不是 夺走他们力量的最佳方式，杰瑞 |
| [10:39] | Let’s take it in a way that ends with us having it. | 我们要想办法 让这个力量落到我们手上 |
| [10:41] | – You mean you having it! – I’ll share it! | －你是指你的手上 －我会分享 |
| [10:43] | – Then you fuck my mom! – That’s not how it works. | －那你去上我妈 －原理不是这样 |
| [10:45] | – And I already have. – What? | －而且我已经上过了 －什么？ |
| [10:47] | Jesus, Jerry, come on. | 天啊，杰瑞，我们走 |
| [10:50] | How unfortunate. | 真是不幸 |
| [10:53] | Use the emergency fortunes! | 使用紧急签文 |
| [10:55] | Fighting Fortunes? They’re leveling up! | 战斗签文，他们变厉害了 |
| [10:58] | “You’ll have great success in a fight.” | ＂你战斗会非常成功＂ |
| [11:02] | I’ll be damned. | 天啊 |
| [11:09] | Fuck! This both sucks and is really valuable data! | 该死，这很糟糕 同时又是很有价值的数据 |
| [11:16] | Rick, what are you doing? | 瑞克，你在干吗？ |
| [11:17] | – Using you as a human shield! – You said it! | 我在拿你当人肉盾牌 |
| [11:19] | You said the thing I thought you were doing! | 你说了，你说了我脑海中的答案 |
| [11:23] | We’ve got intruders. | 有人入侵了 |
| [11:24] | And one of them has an unresolved fortune. | 其中一位有还没实现的签文 |
| [11:29] | We need that man’s mother. | 我们需要那个人的妈妈 |
| [11:31] | Lot of mothers in the world, ma’am. | 这个世界上有很多妈妈，老大 |
| [11:33] | But only one of them is Mrs… | 但只有其中一位是‥ |
| [11:35] | Goddamn it, Smith? | 该死，史密斯太太？ |
| [11:42] | So, are we going to ignore | 所以我们不打算谈谈 |
| [11:44] | that you tried to stop bullets using my body? | 你拿我的身体挡子弹的事吗？ |
| [11:46] | You have an unresolved fortune. | 你有还没实现的签文 |
| [11:47] | Until you have sex with your mom, you’re basically immortal. | 你只要还没跟你妈上床 就等于有不死之身 |
| [11:50] | Do you have any idea how amazing that is? | 你知道这件事有多棒吗？ |
| [11:52] | You don’t even care about me. | 你一点都不在乎我 |
| [11:54] | You just want fortune cookie power. | 你只是想取得幸运饼干力量 |
| [11:56] | Okay, Jerry, how ’bout this. | 好吧，杰瑞，不然这样好了 |
| [11:58] | If it comes down to it | 如果真的有必要的话 |
| [11:59] | I promise I’ll put a bullet in her head. | 我保证会一枪毙了她 |
| [12:01] | – No! – You’re right. | －不要 －也对 |
| [12:02] | The fortune didn’t say she’d be alive, did it? | 签文上没说她得是活着的，对吧？ |
| [12:04] | – I hate you! – Hate productive things. | －我恨你 －恨有用的事吧 |
| [12:06] | Hate crawling through a fucking air vent. | 恨爬通风管吧 |
| [12:09] | Those are those weird hex headed screws. | 是那种奇怪的六角螺丝 |
| [12:11] | Do your screwdriver fingers… | 你的螺丝起子手指‥ |
| [12:21] | Here you go. | 来吧 |
| [12:31] | Well, at least we have no idea what’s going on. | 至少我们完全不知道是怎么回事 |
| [12:34] | That’s a LOCKER-ean. | 那是拉克瑞恩 |
| [12:35] | It’s a species that eats chaos | 是一种会吃混乱的生物 |
| [12:37] | but it has a digestive disorder. | 但是这只有消化问题 |
| [12:39] | Its stomach is stripping randomness from spacetime | 它的胃会提取时空的随机性 |
| [12:41] | and leaving behind superdense pockets of energy | 并留下密集能量包 |
| [12:43] | that bend entropy towards definable outcomes. | 让熵偏向可定义的结果 |
| [12:45] | I mean, that’s how fate works. | 这就是命运的运作原理 |
| [12:47] | It’s a field, like gravity. | 是一个场，就像重力场 |
| [12:48] | But instead of pulling small toward big | 但不是把小东西拉向大东西 |
| [12:50] | it pulls unknown toward known. | 而是把未知拉向已知 |
| [12:51] | So, we do know what’s going on. | 所以我们其实知道是怎么回事 |
| [12:53] | We know this. Everyone that’s had a fortune cookie in the last 20 years | 我们还知道过去20年所有吃过幸运饼干的人 |
| [12:56] | has eaten this thing’s poop. | 都吃过这个生物的大便 |
| [12:58] | Fortune cookies are alien poop. | 幸运饼干是外星人的大便 |
| [13:01] | These fortunes are so basic. | 这些签文好普通 |
| [13:02] | Why wouldn’t you use this power to change the world? | 为什么不用这个力量改变世界呢？ |
| [13:05] | Or at least get Nintendo to make a portable VR headset. | 或者至少叫任天堂推出 可携式虚拟实境眼镜 |
| [13:07] | Oh, this place ain’t for creating the future but controlling it. | 这里不是在创造未来，而是控制未来 |
| [13:11] | Hi, I’m Old. Old M. Hucksbee. | 嗨，我叫老，老人哈克斯比 |
| [13:14] | The M stands for “Man.” | ＂人＂是我的中间名 |
| [13:16] | You’re an arch little character. | 你这个人好奇怪 |
| [13:18] | You’re the reason fortune cookies suck? | 你就是幸运饼干很烂的原因吗？ |
| [13:20] | No… that’s Jennith Chunt’s idea. | 不，那是珍妮丝强特的点子 |
| [13:22] | You have to glut the marketplace with pointless fortunes | 我们要让市场充满没有意义的签文 |
| [13:24] | to increase the value of real ones. | 才能提升真正签文的价值 |
| [13:26] | Controlling destiny for a price, that’s the Fortune 500’s fortune. | 收钱控制命运 这是幸运500企业的签文 |
| [13:31] | And you’re trying to stop them? | 你想阻止他们吗？ |
| [13:33] | Just trying to get out. | 我只是想离开 |
| [13:34] | I want to be free with this here alien gal | 我想要跟这个外星女孩一起离开 |
| [13:37] | so we can get married. | 我们才有办法结婚 |
| [13:38] | Then we can have relations. | 然后就能发生关系 |
| [13:40] | Can’t do that before marriage, you know. | 婚前是不能发生关系的 |
| [13:42] | I’m a Catholic. | 我信天主教 |
| [13:44] | Does the alien want that? | 这位外星人也有意愿吗？ |
| [13:45] | It’s not exactly what I’d call a sentient species. | 这种生物应该没有感情 |
| [13:48] | A man knows. | 我就是知道 |
| [13:49] | What does this have to do with me? | 这跟我有什么关系？ |
| [13:50] | – You put this in my cookie. – Yup. | 你把这放在我的饼干里 |
| [13:53] | Oh, I been trying to get people’s attention. | 对，我想引起外人的注意 |
| [13:56] | I’d make fortunes saying “you’re-a gonna break your leg | 我会在签上写 ＂你如果不调查这间饼干公司 |
| [13:58] | unless you investigate this cookie company.” | 就会摔断腿＂ |
| [14:01] | Or “please come help me or a virus will shut down the world.” | 或是＂请来帮我 否则会有病毒让全世界停摆＂ |
| [14:04] | Finally, I just made a bunch that said | 我后来就做了一堆写着 |
| [14:06] | “You’re gonna have sex with your own momma.” | ＂你会跟你妈上床＂的签 |
| [14:09] | How many? It… What happened to the others? | 总共几个？其他人怎么样了？ |
| [14:11] | Well, I suppose they fucked their moms. | 他们应该上了他们的妈妈 |
| [14:13] | Now, let’s cut her chains and get the hell out of here. | 我们快剪断它的铁链，离开这里吧 |
| [14:18] | Well, shit on a spaghetti. | 完蛋了 |
| [14:20] | Hello, Jerry Smith. | 你好，杰瑞史密斯 |
| [14:21] | Glad you could join us on “bring your mother to work” day. | 真高兴你能来参加 我们的带妈妈上班日 |
| [14:24] | – Mom! – Hi, Jerry! | －妈 －嗨，杰瑞 |
| [14:26] | Your friends picked me up in a limousine! | 你的朋友开加长轿车来接我 |
| [14:29] | They said you won something | 他们说你赢得了奖赏 |
| [14:30] | and I should be the one to give it to you? | 应该由我来给你奖赏？ |
| [14:32] | – You sick fucks. – Are you guys enjoying this? | －你们这些变态 －你们很乐在其中吗？ |
| [14:34] | I used to think I was just a regular white woman. | 我曾经以为我只是个平凡的白人女性 |
| [14:37] | Then I discovered I could control my destiny. | 后来我才发现我能控制自己的命运 |
| [14:40] | All white women think that. | 所有白人女性都这么认为 |
| [14:41] | The truth is, this alien crashed in your yard | 事实是这个外星人掉到了你家前院 |
| [14:44] | and you ate its shit. | 然后你吃了它的大便 |
| [14:45] | How dare you. What’s your name? | 狂妄至极，你叫什么名字？ |
| [14:47] | How dare you? | 狂妄至极的是你吧？ |
| [14:48] | – We should’ve blown up the building. | 我们刚刚应该把这里炸掉的 |
| [14:49] | Doesn’t matter. All I was gonna say is | 不重要了，我只是想说 |
| [14:51] | “Guess what, insert name, time for you to eat shit.” | 我告诉你，某某人，该你吃屎了 |
| [14:54] | But first… | 但首先呢‥ |
| [14:56] | Oh no, I’m so wet! | －糟糕，我好湿 －不 |
| [14:59] | – No! – Jerry! Come back and block bullets! | 杰瑞，快回来挡子弹 |
| [15:01] | Authorizing the use of prototype fortunes! | 授权使用原型签文 |
| [15:11] | – Fuck! – You can’t hide! | －该死 －你躲不了的 |
| [15:12] | My fortune said “Headshots only!” | 我的签文是＂必定爆头＂ |
| [15:16] | – Harry! Greg! Lashawn! Dave C! Dave M! – No! | 哈利、葛瑞格、拉尚 戴夫一号、戴夫二号，不 |
| [15:19] | You piece of shit, you killed my friend. | 你这王八蛋，你杀了我的朋友 |
| [15:23] | All right, what does the future hold? | 好，未来会发生什么事？ |
| [15:31] | Maybe I can Pokémon this shit. | 或许我能用《宝可梦》那招 |
| [15:33] | Blast him or we’re both gonna die! | 快用水喷他，不然我们都会死 |
| [15:35] | Oh, God… | 天啊 |
| [15:37] | Whoa, you “control” control water. | 天啊，你是真的能控制水 |
| [15:39] | Like, the water inside a guy. | 包含人体中的水分 |
| [15:41] | That’s a gross power. | 这力量太恶心了 |
| [15:47] | I’m gonna let you live because your fortune sucks. | 我就饶你一命，因为你的签文烂透了 |
| [15:49] | You can’t kill me! | 你杀不了我 |
| [15:51] | I can’t be killed! | 我有不死之身 |
| [15:52] | Trust me, that’s not as good as it sounds. | 相信我，这其实不是好事 |
| [15:57] | It hurts! It burns! | 好痛，好烫 |
| [15:59] | Fuck! Oh, my God, my ribs! | 该死，天啊，我的肋骨 |
| [16:01] | I can feel my shattered ribs. | 我能感受到我碎裂的肋骨 |
| [16:11] | Shit, these are useless. | 该死，这些签文都没用 |
| [16:13] | Where are the fighting fortunes? | 战斗签文在哪里？ |
| [16:14] | No… Those are blanks! | 不，那些是空白的 |
| [16:17] | Without fortunes, the effects are completely unpredictable! | 如果没有签文，效果就完全无法预测 |
| [16:20] | All right! | 很好 |
| [16:32] | I am the son of God! | 我是神子 |
| [16:39] | Jerry! | 杰瑞 |
| [16:41] | – Help me, Jerry! – Mom! | －帮帮我，杰瑞 －妈 |
| [16:42] | Stay away! Just stay away! | 离我远点，离我远一点 |
| [16:45] | Come on and fuck already! | 你们就快点上床吧 |
| [16:47] | Ma’am, is it possible we’re being given a chance | 老大，我们是不是应该借这个机会 |
| [16:49] | to take a step back and examine our behavior? | 退一步审视我们的行‥ |
| [16:54] | You can’t kill me, old man. | 你是杀不了我的，老头子 |
| [16:56] | I also have an unresolved fortune. | 我也有还没实现的签文 |
| [16:59] | “The most successful businesswoman on Earth?” | ＂地球上最成功的女商人＂？ |
| [17:02] | You could do anything you wanted and you chose… work? | 你能选择任何愿望，你却选择工作？ |
| [17:05] | Every day I get closer to an unattainable goal. | 我每天都离高不可攀的目标越来越近 |
| [17:08] | A one-woman lifestyle brand, forever! | 以我为主的生活品牌，直到永远 |
| [17:11] | Well, I just used a dark web account to hack Goldman Sachs | 我刚用了黑网账号入侵高盛 |
| [17:14] | remove trillions of dollars | 挪用了数兆美元 |
| [17:15] | and purchase everything your company offers. | 买下了你们公司的所有产品 |
| [17:17] | Congratulations! | 恭喜你 |
| [17:18] | You’re officially the most successful businesswoman on Earth. | 你正式成为了地球上最成功的女商人 |
| [17:20] | Fortune fulfilled. | 你的签文实现了 |
| [17:22] | And now, I’m emptying your bank accounts | 我现在要从你的银行账户 |
| [17:23] | and giving the money back to Goldman Sachs. | 把钱还给高盛 |
| [17:25] | Because I sit dead center on the alignment chart. | 因为我位在分类表的正中央 |
| [17:28] | You son of a bitch! | 你这个混蛋 |
| [17:30] | How does it feel to achieve your dreams? | 达成梦想的感觉如何？ |
| [17:32] | Empty, right? Like when DiCaprio won the Oscar. | 很空虚吧？ 就像迪卡普里奥赢得奥斯卡时一样 |
| [17:34] | You could see it in his face. | 从他的表情就看得出来 |
| [17:36] | I still have one more dream. | 我还有一个梦想 |
| [17:40] | Watching you die, Rick Sanchez! | 就是看到你死，瑞克桑切斯 |
| [17:45] | You knew my name! | 你知道我的名字 |
| [17:57] | She’s free! Run! | 它自由了，快跑 |
| [17:59] | Run my beauty! | 快跑，我的美人 |
| [18:06] | Well, butterfly on a corncob. | 我的老天爷 |
| [18:08] | I see that I’ve romanticized a wild animal | 看来我好像把野生动物浪漫化了 |
| [18:11] | the same way Margaret Howe did | 就像玛格丽特·豪 |
| [18:13] | when she jerked off that dolphin in the 1960’s. | 在1960年代帮那只海豚手淫一样 |
| [18:16] | Both she and I assaulted a captive creature | 我跟她都侵犯了被囚禁的生物 |
| [18:19] | then expected it to be reciprocal. | 却期望对方有同样的回应 |
| [18:22] | Welp, joopity-boot! Time to die. | 好吧，我的死期到了 |
| [18:29] | Follow me, my queen! | 跟我走吧，女王 |
| [18:35] | That’s all the bad guys down. We almost got this, Jer! | 坏人全都死了，我们快成功了，杰瑞 |
| [18:44] | No! | 不 |
| [18:46] | Oh, sticks-to-wall guy, I guess we were both wrong! | 黏在墙上先生，看来我们都错了 |
| [18:50] | Oh, God. | 天啊 |
| [19:00] | Rick, please! | 瑞克，拜托 |
| [19:02] | Jerry! I’ve got the creature! | 杰瑞，我抓住那只生物了 |
| [19:03] | I knew it… | 我就知道 |
| [19:05] | Goddamn it! | 该死 |
| [19:12] | Oh, God! | 天啊 |
| [19:16] | Goddammit. | 该死 |
| [19:24] | Holy shit, that was close. | 该死，只差一点 |
| [19:26] | Close to what? | 差一点就怎样？ |
| [19:27] | Close to everyone but your son | 除了你儿子以外的其他人 |
| [19:29] | getting anything they want forever. | 差点就能永远随心所欲了 |
| [19:31] | You saved me. | 你救了我 |
| [19:32] | I will never stop holding this over you. | 我会一直提醒你这件事 |
| [19:34] | As if that buys me anything. | 虽然我也得不到什么 |
| [19:36] | We should get you some clothes, son. | 你该找裤子穿上，儿子 |
| [19:43] | I can just feel the savings. | 我感觉到了省下的钱 |
| [19:46] | Hey, wait. | 嘿，等等 |
| [19:48] | Got this at the crazy place we just were. | 这是在我们刚去的鬼地方拿到的 |
| [19:51] | It may look like someone | 看来好像有人 |
| [19:52] | stuck a hand-written fortune in there last-second | 及时塞了一张手写签条进去 |
| [19:54] | but I’m pretty sure that’s just the way it came. | 但我很确定本来就是这个样子 |
| [19:57] | Besides, these don’t mean anything. | 而且这签文没有任何意义 |
| [20:00] | Jerry, while I appreciate the sentiment | 杰瑞，你的心意我心领了 |
| [20:02] | this is a huge waste of the last real fortune. | 但你浪费了最后一个真正的签文 |
| [20:06] | Oh. I’m sorry, I just… | 抱歉，我只是‥ |
| [20:07] | It’s cool, it’s cool. | 没关系 |
| [20:08] | – Thanks, friend. – Friend? | －谢了，朋友 －＂朋友＂？ |
| [20:10] | – Did you just say friend? – What… What did I do? | －你说了＂朋友＂吗？ －怎么了？我做了什么？ |
| [20:12] | – You fucking idiot! I’m not your friend! | 你这个大笨蛋，我不是你朋友 |
| [20:14] | Why did you think I was your friend? | 你为什么觉得我是你朋友？ |
| [20:16] | Look at this, you piece of shit… | 看好了，你这废物 |
| [20:17] | Yeah, so… | 对‥所以‥ |
| [20:18] | I was immortal! | 我本来有不死之身 |
| [20:19] | I was immortal for that whole fight! | 刚刚那整场战斗我都有不死之身 |
| [20:21] | All I had to do was never make a new friend! | 我只要永远别交新朋友就好 |
| [20:23] | Jesus Christ, Jerry. | 真是够了，杰瑞 |
| [20:24] | I’m sorry! We’re not friends! | 对不起，我们不是朋友 |
| [20:25] | Yeah, too late, bonehead. | 太迟了，笨蛋 |
| [20:27] | It doesn’t say “new permanent friend.” | 签文又不是写＂新的永久朋友＂ |
| [20:29] | All friendships end, | 所有友谊都会结束 |
| [20:30] | especially new ones. | 尤其是新的友谊 |
| [20:32] | Well, maybe that’s a fate the two of us still control. | 或许这个命运还在我们的掌握之中 |
| [20:41] | I’m sorry I did that. | 很抱歉赏了你巴掌 |
| [20:43] | It’s fine. | 没关系 |
| [21:25] | The zoo, animals, balloons, moats, cages. | 动物园、动物、气球、护城河、笼子 |
| [21:28] | A fun time for the whole family. | 全家人都能玩得开心 |
| [21:29] | But you don’t care about that, you’re a zebra. | 但你不在乎，你是斑马 |
| [21:31] | You’re here for the unparalleled dining experience | 你是来享受特殊的用餐体验 |
| [21:34] | of hand-fed zebra food. Delicious. | 享用亲手喂食的斑马食物，真美味 |
| [21:36] | Hey, wait… don’t eat that, that’s for the zebras. | 嘿，等等，别吃‥那是要给斑马吃的 |
| [21:39] | It’s making you sick! What are you doing? | 你会生病，你在干吗？ |
| [21:41] | Jesus, why have they left all the zebra-feeding | 天啊，他们怎么把所有斑马食物 |
| [21:42] | to the people who come to the zoo? | 都留给来动物园的游客？ |
| [21:44] | Is that the only way the zebras can get food? | 那是斑马唯一的食物来源吗？ |
| [21:46] | They’re so hungry. What the fuck is happening? | 它们都饿坏了，到底是怎么回事？ |
| [21:47] | We’re out of zebra food! Okay! | 没有斑马食物了，好吗？ |
| [21:49] | There’s no food left! Don’t come to the zoo! | 没有食物了，别来动物园 |
| [21:51] | This was supposed to be a commercial for zebras | 这广告是要播给斑马看的 |
| [21:53] | targeted to zebras! | 专门给斑马看的 |
| [21:54] | The premise itself was questionable, | 虽然这个前提有点奇怪，但这‥ |
| [21:56] | but this… this is a nightmare! | 这简直是恶梦一场 |
| [21:57] | Don’t go to the zoo! Stay away from the zoo. | 别去动物园，远离动物园 |
| [21:59] | Oh God, what are you doing in the booth? | 天啊，你干吗跑进录音室？ |
| [22:00] | Get out! Get out, you’re mad… | 出去，你疯‥ |
| [22:04] | Eat it. | 吃吧 |
| [22:06] | Eat zebra food. | 吃斑马食物 |
| [22:07] | Okay… I guess I can’t blame Dad for being confused | 好吧，看来我不能怪爸 |
| [22:10] | about what to do with the zebra food. | 搞不清楚斑马食物的用途 |
| [22:11] | Also, I have no idea why they’re running this ad like, on a loop? | 而且我不懂他们干吗 一直循环播放这段广告？ |
| [22:15] | There were murders in it. | 里面有杀人场面 |
| [22:16] | And it was specifically telling you to do the thing it didn’t want you to do | 而且还刻意叫我们做 这广告不希望我们做的事 |
| [22:19] | until the very end when it reversed. | 直到最后才逆转 |
| [22:20] | Why would they sell the zebra food in the gift shop, unless… | 为什么礼品店里 会卖斑马食物？除非‥ |
| [22:23] | I mean, do the zebras shop in here? | 斑马会进来购物吗？ |
| [22:25] | Are we the ones in the zoo? | 被关在动物园里的是我们吗？ |
| [22:27] | Oh, is that the twist? Okay, we’re… | 这就是大逆转吗？ |
| [22:29] | It’s a human zoo. Got it. | 好吧，这是人类园，我懂了 |