| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| [00:02] | So you’re telling me | 你是说 |
| [00:03] | I can’t get any pancakes at this IHOP? | 这个”煎饼屋”不卖煎饼吗 |
| [00:06] | It’s not the place you’re thinking of. | 不是你想的那种地方 |
| [00:07] | This is the Inter-dimensional Hole of Pancakes. | 这是”跨次元煎饼洞” |
| [00:10] | It’s the crossroads of all dimensions– | 就是各种次元之间的交叉口 |
| [00:12] | like Grand Central Station but for space and time. | 就像是时空版”中央车站” |
| [00:16] | If you eat anything in this IHOP, | 如果你吃了这个”煎饼屋”的东西 |
| [00:17] | you will literally explode. | 你会立刻原地爆炸 |
| [00:19] | Yeah, I know. It’s IHOP. | 我知道 所以叫”我炸飞了”[煎饼屋的谐音] |
| [00:22] | Why are we meeting there? | 我们为什么要在那里见面 |
| [00:24] | The Judge’s powers arlimited in the IHOP, | 因为法官在这个”煎饼屋”无法施展法力 |
| [00:26] | so she can’t just retire me on the spot. | 所以她就不能当场就让我”退休”了 |
| [00:28] | And I believe that | 而我认为 |
| [00:29] | when she hears what I’ve discovered about the points system, | 等她听完我对评分系统的真知灼见 |
| [00:32] | she’ll take our side. | 她会帮我们 |
| [00:33] | If not, then we’ll jump through a portal to another dimension, | 如果她不帮 我们就通过传送门跳到另一个次元 |
| [00:36] | hope our molecules don’t liquefy, and regroup from there. | 希望我们不会灰飞烟灭后 再次重组 |
| [00:39] | Excuse me. | 让一下 |
| [00:41] | Okay. | 好了 |
| [00:43] | Now watch your step. | 小心脚下 |
| [00:45] | So… | 这个 |
| [00:47] | Yeah, so… | 那个 |
| [00:48] | I don’t want to go in there. | 我不想进去 |
| [00:50] | I get that. Come here. | 我懂 过来 |
| [00:51] | Here are your options. | 你有以下选择 |
| [00:54] | Option number one… | 第一个选择 |
| [00:57] | Cruel but necessary. | 够狠 但对他就得这样 |
| [01:07] | Look at this. | 瞧瞧 |
| [01:08] | They added a tenth dimension. | 他们加了一个第十空间 |
| [01:12] | Boy. | 天 |
| [01:13] | Permits must have been a headache. | 空间通行肯定还没处理好 |
| [01:15] | It looks like we’re inside a Diane von Furstenburg pattern… | 我们就像是进入了黛安·冯·弗斯滕伯格的设计之中 |
| [01:19] | from spring 2013! | 2013春季系列 |
| [01:22] | Okay, everyone, just be cool. | 大家都别慌 |
| [01:24] | I know exactly what’s going on. | 我知道怎么回事了 |
| [01:26] | We all smoked too much salvia. | 我们吸了太多鼠尾草 |
| [01:29] | We got to ride this out for about two, three minutes, | 这种幻觉持续两三分钟就没了 |
| [01:32] | and then we’ll be back in Pillboi’s broken hot tub, | 然后我们就会发现自己在”药哥”的热水浴池里 |
| [01:34] | and this will all be over. | 这种幻象就会消失 |
| [01:44] | Is– is this a good time to talk? | 时间方便聊几句吗 |
| [01:46] | Well, there’s no time like the present. | 一切最佳时机就在于”当下” |
| [01:48] | And here there’s neither “No time” nor “The present.” | 而这里既没有”没时间” 也没有”当下” |
| [01:53] | Go ahead. | 说吧 |
| [01:54] | So you know how me and you used to be married when I was dead before? | 我”死”之前 我们不是结过婚吗 |
| [01:59] | I think I’m starting to catch feelings again for you. | 我感觉我又开始喜欢上你了 |
| [02:03] | And if I don’t double-die in this IHOP | 如果我在这个”煎饼屋”里没又”死”一次 |
| [02:06] | and the Judge lady doesn’t turn you into a marble… | 而那个法官也没有把你变成弹珠 |
| [02:11] | do you want to try being boyfriend-girlfriend? | 你想跟我做回男女朋友吗 |
| [02:13] | I’m not a girl. | 我不是女生 |
| [02:15] | But, yes, | 但我愿意 |
| [02:16] | I’d very much like to go on a date with you somewhere sometime, | 我很愿意在某时某地跟你约会 |
| [02:19] | as opposed to here, which is nowhere at all the times. | 而不是此地 这里永远是”无时无地” |
| [02:24] | You get it? | 你懂我的梗了吗 |
| [02:24] | Yeah. | 懂 |
| [02:27] | Butthead! | 大傻子 |
| [02:29] | You lie to my face, | 你当面骗我 |
| [02:30] | disrespect my orders, | 违抗我的命令 |
| [02:33] | steal the only key to Earth, | 偷走了通往人间的唯一钥匙 |
| [02:35] | meddle with an already compromised timeline, | 而时间线本来就打乱了 你还去雪上加霜 |
| [02:38] | kidnap the humans into a Janets’ void, | 还把人类拐到了珍妮特的虚空里 |
| [02:42] | and now demand a meeting in the freakin’ IHOP? | 现在还要求我来这个破”煎饼屋”跟你会面 |
| [02:46] | I hate this place! | 我讨厌死这个地方了 |
| [02:47] | I wouldn’t have asked for a meet if it weren’t vitally important. | 若非要事 我也不会要求见你 |
| [02:50] | And I promise, no more rule-breaking. | 我保证 没有再违规的事了 |
| [02:53] | Yeah, really? Cool. | 是吗 真好 |
| [02:54] | ‘Cause it kind of looks like you stole a book from Accounting! | 因为你好像从会计部偷走了一本书 |
| [03:00] | No more rule-breaking starting now. | 从现在开始 没有再违规的事了 |
| [03:05] | Hello, Chidi. | 你好 奇迪 |
| [03:06] | That is a great look for you. | 你这一身好帅呀 |
| [03:08] | If things don’t work out here with old Blondie, | 如果你跟这个金发老女人分手了 |
| [03:10] | you know who to call– this bitch. | 记得打给人家哦 |
| [03:14] | Sorry. | 不好意思 |
| [03:15] | What is on me right now? | 我身上这是个什么玩意 |
| [03:17] | Where’d you come from, little buddy? | 你从哪里跑出来的呀 小家伙 |
| [03:19] | No, don’t touch it! | 别 别碰 |
| [03:20] | Tahani, do not touch the Neednoggle. | 塔哈妮 别去碰”粘你虫” |
| [03:22] | – What? – Bad. | -啥 -坏了 |
| [03:24] | This is all bad. | 大事不好啊 |
| [03:27] | Humans are such whiners. | 人类天生就爱抱怨 好烦 |
| [03:28] | Here, hot pants, let me take care of it for you. | 好了 “撩人哥” 我来拯救你吧 |
| [03:32] | Help. | “救命啊” |
| [03:36] | Everybody, you’re all still standing in the IHOP. | 各位 你们还是在”煎饼屋” |
| [03:39] | The Judge simply augmented your reality | 法官只是改变了你们眼中的现实 |
| [03:42] | to make you feel like you’re in a normal IHOP. | 换成了普通”煎饼屋”的场景 |
| [03:45] | Very smart. | 好机智 |
| [03:45] | Don’t suck up to me, you suck-up. | 别给我跪舔了 没出息的货 |
| [03:48] | This is far better. | 这样好多了 |
| [03:49] | Instead of a slug creature, I have a cute little scarf. | 黏黏的虫子不见了 而变成了漂亮的丝巾 |
| [03:52] | No! No! No, no, no! Don’t touch it! | 别别别 别碰 |
| [03:54] | Tahani, that’s still the Neednoggle. | 塔哈妮 那还是”粘你虫” |
| [03:56] | The Judge just made it look like a scarf. | 法官只是将其变成了丝巾的样子 |
| [04:00] | – Wonderful. – All right. | -“真好” -好了 |
| [04:01] | Why don’t we all sit down | 我们都先坐下 |
| [04:06] | Your Honor, I once stood in front of you and said | 法官 我曾站在你面前说 |
| [04:08] | I thought there was something wrong with the points system. | 我觉得评分系统有问题 |
| [04:11] | I finally know what it is. | 我终于知道是什么问题了 |
| [04:13] | Life now is so complicated, | 人类如今的生活变复杂了 |
| [04:16] | it’s impossible for anyone to be good enough for the Good Place. | 没人能攒够分数来”善地” |
| [04:21] | I know you don’t like to learn too much | 我知道你为了保持公正 |
| [04:22] | about life on Earth to remain impartial, | 不想了解人间之事 |
| [04:25] | but these days just buying a tomato at a grocery store | 但如今只要在杂货店买个蕃茄 |
| [04:29] | means that you are unwittingly supporting toxic pesticides, | 你就是在不知不觉支持有毒农药 |
| [04:33] | exploiting labor, | 剥削劳工 |
| [04:34] | contributing to global warming. | 并使全球变暖加剧 |
| [04:36] | Humans think that they’re making one choice, | 人类以为自己做出的是一个选择 |
| [04:39] | but they’re actually making dozens of choices they don’t even know they’re making. | 殊不知他们在无意间已经做出了很多选择 |
| [04:44] | Your big revelation is life is complicated? | 你的惊天大发现 就是生活很复杂吗 |
| [04:48] | That’s not a revelation. | 这哪叫发现 |
| [04:49] | That’s a divorced woman’s throw pillow. | 这是印在离婚女人抱枕上的鸡汤语录啊 |
| [04:52] | I mean, this guy chose this tomato. | 这个人选了这个番茄 |
| [04:54] | Those are the consequences. | 必然会有一些结果 |
| [04:56] | You don’t want the consequences? | 你不想要这种结果 |
| [04:58] | Do the research. Buy another tomato. | 那就事前调研一下 买别的番茄 |
| [05:01] | What else you got? | 你还有什么招儿 |
| [05:04] | I’ll tell you what else I got… | 你可瞧好了 |
| [05:06] | I got this. | 我还有这招儿 |
| [05:11] | Michael. | 迈克尔 |
| [05:13] | What– what are you doing? | 你这是什么操作 |
| [05:14] | The Backpack Kid dance. | 就是油管上那个”背包小哥”很火的舞 |
| [05:15] | – Why? – I don’t know. | -跳来干啥 -我也不知道 |
| [05:17] | It makes people happy. | 据说人见人爱 心中有曲自然嗨 |
| [05:18] | Is it helping? | 旋转跳跃 你沉醉了没 |
| [05:20] | Can I say something? | 我能说句话吗 |
| [05:22] | Jean-Paul Sartre once wrote– | 让-保罗·萨特曾曰 |
| [05:24] | Boring! | 枯燥死了 |
| [05:26] | I got this. | 哥来救场吧 |
| [05:28] | I want to tell you about a guy from my dance crew in Jacksonville | 我来讲讲我在杰克逊维尔舞蹈队认识的一个人吧 |
| [05:31] | called Big Noodle. | 他叫”大面条子” |
| [05:32] | Well, we gave it our best shot, guys. | 遇到这种”神助攻” 只能认衰了 |
| [05:34] | It was nice knowing you. | 大家好聚好散吧 |
| [05:35] | I used to yell at Big Noodle | 我总是对”大面条子”发脾气 |
| [05:36] | ’cause he always showed up late to rehearsal. | 因为他排舞时 总是迟到 |
| [05:39] | Then one day, the swamp under my house flooded. | 结果有一天 我家下面的烂泥塘水淹了 |
| [05:42] | I needed a place to crash, | 我需要借宿一晚 |
| [05:43] | so I slept at Big Noodle’s house. | 所以我就去”大面条子”家睡了 |
| [05:46] | Turns out that he had to juggle three jobs | 结果发现他得打三份工 |
| [05:48] | to take care of four grandparents who all lived in the same bed | 才能养活挤在一张床上的爷爷奶奶和姥爷姥姥 |
| [05:51] | just like in “Willy Wonka.” | 就像威利·旺卡那样 |
| [05:53] | I never yelled at Big Noodle for being late after that | 自此之后 我就再没对”大面条子”发过脾气 |
| [05:56] | ’cause I knew how hard it was for him to be there. | 因为我知道他的处境有多艰难 |
| [05:59] | And he definitely didn’t have time to research what tomatoes to buy. | 而他绝对没时间买番茄之前 还去调研一下 |
| [06:03] | Even if he wanted to, | 即使他想那么做 |
| [06:04] | possession of a non-fried vegetable is a felony in Jacksonville. | 拥有不经油炸的蔬菜 那在杰克逊维尔也是”犯罪”啊 |
| [06:08] | The point is, you can’t judge humans | 重点是 你不能轻易对人类下定论 |
| [06:11] | ’cause you don’t know what we go through. | 因为你不懂我们所历之劫 |
| [06:15] | Amazingly, Your Honor, he’s right. | 法官 他的智商突然上线了 他说得对 |
| [06:18] | I didn’t really understand people until I went to Earth. | 我去人间走了一回 才理解人类 |
| [06:22] | Maybe you should give it a shot. | 你也该下凡走一趟 |
| [06:24] | If you still don’t see things our way, | 如果你到时还不能理解 |
| [06:26] | then we’ll drop it, and you can… | 那我们就不闹了 你可以 |
| [06:27] | you know, zappy, zappy, marble, marble. | 一个响指 把我们全灭掉 |
| [06:36] | Yeah, sure. I’ll give it a shot. | 行 我就去一回人间 |
| [06:38] | I’ll go down there. See what you guys go through. | 下凡去历一次劫 |
| [06:41] | And then one way or another, | 然而无论如何 |
| [06:43] | this is going to end. | 这场闹剧必须收场了 |
| [06:46] | Do you guys know a good place where I can get Mexican food? | 你们知道哪里的墨西哥美食最棒吗 |
| [06:50] | Mexico. | 当然是墨西哥啦 |
| [06:55] | How long will she be gone? | 她会走多久 |
| [06:57] | No way to tell. | 没法知道 |
| [06:58] | my guess is– | 我猜 |
| [07:00] | Brother. | 我靠 |
| [07:02] | That was rough. | 真是历劫啊 |
| [07:04] | Right? | 你懂了吧 |
| [07:04] | Sheesh. Earth is a mess, y’all. | 我滴妈呀 人间水深火热啊 |
| [07:09] | Also, I guess I’m black? | 我在人间算是黑人吧 |
| [07:11] | And they do not like black ladies down there. | 人们对黑人女性太不友好了 |
| [07:14] | Crap, y’all. | 做人好惨 |
| [07:16] | This is bad. | 这事很严重啊 |
| [07:19] | Where did you go, exactly? | 你都去哪了啊 |
| [07:21] | Tanzania, Paraguay, | 坦桑尼亚 巴拉圭 |
| [07:23] | Vietnam, Denmark. | 越南 丹麦 |
| [07:25] | It’s terrible everywhere and always in a different way. | 人间处处是邪风 各路妖魔闪瞎你 |
| [07:28] | The only place I liked was Hawaii, | 我只喜欢一个地方 夏威夷 |
| [07:30] | although I barely left the resort. | 然而我一直待在度假村里 |
| [07:32] | The last place I went was a Black Friday sale at an outlet mall in Michigan. | 我最后去了密歇根的”散货场” 正赶上”黑五大甩卖” |
| [07:38] | – Why? – For the deals. | -你为何想不开 -因为搞促销啊 |
| [07:40] | Earth stinks, y’all. | 人间太烂了 |
| [07:41] | It’s hot, and it’s crowded… | 又热 又挤 |
| [07:44] | but somehow also cold and lonely. | 但同时又让人感到空虚寂寞冷 |
| [07:47] | I thought it was going to be so easy to make good decisions. | 我以为做出正确选择会很容易 |
| [07:51] | The first thing I did was I Googled | 我第一件事就是上网搜了 |
| [07:53] | “Big, juicy natural tomatoes,” | “又大又多汁的天然番茄” |
| [07:56] | which led me to a porn site that was for people with a sunburn fetish or… | 结果搜到了一个专门提供”晒伤”性癖的色情网站 |
| [08:01] | I kind of never recovered. | 我的心理阴影面积可以覆盖地球了 |
| [08:03] | Right. That’s problem number one. | 对 这是问题一 |
| [08:05] | Life is chaotic and messy and unpredictable. | 生活就是一团乱麻 又无法预料 |
| [08:08] | Problem number two– | 问题二 |
| [08:09] | even if you do somehow manage to make good decisions, | 就算你能排除万难 做出正确选择 |
| [08:13] | you still lose points because of the unintended consequences. | 你还是因为一些始料未及的后果而丢分 |
| [08:16] | Yeah, there are booby traps everywhere. | 没错 人生到处都是坑 |
| [08:19] | Like, there’s this chicken sandwich | 比如 有一种鸡肉三明治 |
| [08:20] | that if you eat it, it means you hate gay people. | 如果你吃了 就表示你讨厌同性恋 |
| [08:23] | And it’s delicious. | 而这个三明治可好吃了 |
| [08:24] | It is. It is so good. | 对 确实特别好吃 |
| [08:26] | And I essentially tried to do what you suggested. | 我基本照你的建议做了 |
| [08:28] | I obsessed over every choice. | 我每次选择都会想很多 |
| [08:31] | But that was also bad, | 但那样也减分 |
| [08:32] | and I still got sent to the Bad Place. | 我死后还是来到了”恶地” |
| [08:35] | So I’m problem number three. | 所以我代表问题三 |
| [08:36] | No, you are nobody’s problem, sweetheart. | 不 你别甩锅给别人 小帅哥 |
| [08:40] | You know, we got to figure this out. | 我们得想办法解决此事 |
| [08:45] | And then Turtle makes a bet with Ronda Rousey, | 然后”乌龟”和龙达·鲁西打赌 |
| [08:46] | and if she loses, she has to– | 如果她输了 她就得 |
| [08:48] | come on. | 这是闹哪样 |
| [08:49] | I was just in the middle of torturing William Shakespeare | 我正在给莎士比亚讲影版《明星伙伴》的情节 |
| [08:51] | by describing the plot to the “Entourage” Movie. | 以此来折磨这位大文豪呢 |
| [08:54] | What is this? | 什么事儿 |
| [08:54] | Some new information has come to my attention, | 我最近了解了一些情况 |
| [08:56] | and I need a solution. | 我需要解决之策 |
| [08:58] | I want the Bad Place to weigh in on this. | 我想听听”恶地”有何高见 |
| [09:00] | But first, let’s have a change of scenery. | 但首先 我们换个场景 |
| [09:04] | Remember, guys, we’re still in the IHOP, | 记住 各位 我们还在”煎饼屋” |
| [09:05] | so be careful. | 都别大意 |
| [09:07] | Shawn, I have reason to believe that humans might be, on average, | 肖恩 我有理由相信人类可能卡在及格线上 |
| [09:13] | better than the points system suggests they are. | 其善恶值应高于系统中的评分 |
| [09:16] | Counterpoint– | 反方观点 |
| [09:17] | humans are terrible– | 人类特别恶劣 |
| [09:18] | Limp Bizkit, slavery. | 软饼干乐队 奴隶制 |
| [09:21] | The prosecution rests. | 原告陈述已毕 |
| [09:22] | Got to say, that’s a solid rebuttal. | 我得说 这个反驳 说服力太强 |
| [09:24] | Look, there are plenty of awful people | 确实有很多没节操的人 |
| [09:26] | and thoughtless jerks, | 以及无脑喷子 |
| [09:28] | and, I guess Nazis again, somehow. | 这时必须提一下纳粹分子 |
| [09:30] | But there are also people who are really trying to be good, | 但也有一心向善的人 |
| [09:34] | and they aren’t getting close. | 而他们想进”善地”都难于登天 |
| [09:36] | Because they’re not good at being good | 因为他们不擅长向善 |
| [09:38] | because they’re bad. | 毕竟人性本恶 |
| [09:40] | The score they got on Earth is how good or bad they are– | 他们在人间的分数 就代表了善恶程度 |
| [09:42] | full stop, end of story. | 绝对没跑儿 |
| [09:44] | Then why did these four get better over and over again in my Neighborhood? | 那这四个人类怎么在”假善地”一次次提升自己了呢 |
| [09:49] | Why did they help each other in ways | 他们在人间没帮过别人 |
| [09:51] | they had never helped anyone on Earth? | 为何在此却肝胆相照 相互扶持呢 |
| [09:53] | I don’t know. Maybe it’s a fluke. | 不知道 小概率事件吧 |
| [09:55] | Plus, you have zero proof they did get better. | 另外 你也没有证据表明他们提升了 |
| [09:57] | You didn’t keep track of their points. | 你也没记录过他们的分数 |
| [10:00] | That’s it. | 说到点子上了 |
| [10:02] | I know what we have to– | 我知道该怎么… |
| [10:04] | He forgot we’re still in the IHOP. | 他忘了我们还在”煎饼屋” |
| [10:06] | Anybody got eyes on Chidi? | 有人看到奇迪了吗 |
| [10:08] | Help! | 救命 |
| [10:10] | Help! | 救我 |
| [10:12] | Can someone grab my tiny boyfriend, please? | 谁能帮忙抓一下我的”微男友”啊 |
| [10:14] | I’m on it. | 我来 |
| [10:15] | And… got him. | 抓到了 |
| [10:17] | Here you go. | 变回来 |
| [10:22] | I… I just saw a trillion different realities folding onto each other | 我目睹了一万亿不同现实交错重叠在一起 |
| [10:27] | like thin sheets of metal, | 就像一片金属薄片 |
| [10:29] | forming a single blade. | 铸成一片利刃 |
| [10:31] | Yeah, yeah, the Time-Knife. We’ve all seen it. | 没错 大家都见过”时之刃”啦 |
| [10:33] | Let’s get back on track, bud. | 继续说正事吧 |
| [10:35] | Okay, sure. | 好 没问题 |
| [10:36] | What I was saying, before, you know– | 我刚才的发言被打断了 |
| [10:39] | I saw the Time-Knife? | 可我看到了”时之刃”哎 |
| [10:42] | Is this… | 是这样… |
| [10:44] | Michael is right. | 迈克尔说得对 |
| [10:46] | His Neighborhood gave us the chance to become better people | 他的社区让我们有机会向善 |
| [10:50] | because it removed all the variables that make life on Earth hard. | 因为那里没有地球上复杂的干扰因素 |
| [10:54] | Yeah, there was no rent to pay, | 对 没有房租 |
| [10:56] | no racism, no sexism. | 没有种族和性别歧视 |
| [10:58] | No awards-show gift-suite publicist infighting. | 没有颁奖礼上”带货”明星的明争暗斗 |
| [11:03] | What? Those gift suites can be a real minefield. | 真的呀 大家为了带货简直算尽机关 |
| [11:06] | But Shawn is also right. | 但肖恩也没错 |
| [11:09] | The four of us becoming better people could be a fluke. | 我们四人能提升也许是侥幸 |
| [11:11] | So let’s repeat the experiment. | 那就重复实验吧 |
| [11:14] | It’s what Simone taught us about data collection. | 像西蒙妮那样 收集数据 |
| [11:17] | Try it again and see if you get the same results. | 重复实验 比对结果是否相同 |
| [11:20] | Of course! I build a new Neighborhood. | 妙啊 我打造一个新的社区 |
| [11:22] | We choose four new people, | 我们挑选四个新人 |
| [11:24] | tell them they’re in the Good Place, | 告诉他们身处”善地” |
| [11:25] | create challenges for them, track their progress. | 给他们出难题 观测他们的变化 |
| [11:28] | My guess is they will do what the original four did. | 我猜他们会和”初代四人组”表现一致 |
| [11:32] | Seek help, support each other, | 将伯之呼 守望相助 |
| [11:34] | make wise decisions, improve. | 审时度势 日臻完善 |
| [11:36] | If they do, | 若是这样 |
| [11:37] | then it’s proof that humans are not “Bad, full stop, end of story.” | 那就证明人类并非”人性本恶 绝对没跑儿” |
| [11:42] | This is so stupid. | 真是异想天开 |
| [11:45] | Where would you even put this Neighborhood? | 把社区建在哪里呢 |
| [11:47] | I wouldn’t allow it to be built in the Good Place, | 我不同意将其建在”善地” |
| [11:48] | that’s for sure. | 绝对不行 |
| [11:49] | And I doubt you’d want to come back to my neck of the woods. | 估计你们也不想建在我的地盘 |
| [11:54] | I have an idea. | 我有个主意 |
| [11:58] | Hi, Mindy. We need to use your backyard. | 明迪 我们得借用你的后院 |
| [12:03] | You need my backyard? For what? | 用我的后院做什么 |
| [12:05] | We’re conducting an important experiment– | 我们在进行一项重要的实验… |
| [12:07] | You know what? I don’t care. | 打住 无所谓了 |
| [12:08] | In fact, as soon as I started asking the question, | 其实刚问出口 |
| [12:11] | I thought to myself, “Why are you asking this? | 我就反悔了 |
| [12:13] | You don’t care about the answer.” | 反正我也不在意 |
| [12:14] | Do whatever you want. Just leave me out of it. | 你们自便 别来烦我就行 |
| [12:16] | And if you want to talk to someone, talk to Derek. | 有需要 就找德里克 |
| [12:20] | I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you. | 他见到你一定很高兴 |
| [12:24] | Who’s Derek? | 德里克是谁 |
| [12:26] | Don’t think of Derek as my ex-boyfriend. | 德里克不算是我前男友 |
| [12:29] | I made him, so… | 我创造了他 所以… |
| [12:31] | he’s more like my son. | 他算是我儿子 |
| [12:33] | Although I did make him | 但我当初创造他 |
| [12:33] | because I was jealous of you and Tahani, | 确实是因为嫉妒你和塔哈妮 |
| [12:35] | so he’s kind of my rebound booty call. | 所以 他算是我的备胎炮友 |
| [12:38] | So he’s your son-rebound-booty-call. | 那他就是你的儿子兼备胎炮友 |
| [12:41] | Fine, if you want to put labels on it, | 好吧 非要定义的话 |
| [12:42] | I guess he’s my son-rebound-booty-call. | 他确实是我的儿子兼备胎炮友 |
| [12:45] | But he doesn’t mean anything to me. | 但他对我无足轻重 |
| [12:48] | Also, Derek never really… | 而且 德里克一直都… |
| [12:50] | worked right. | 差强人意 |
| [12:51] | He’s a buffoon. | 他傻得冒泡 |
| [12:52] | You have nothing to worry about. | 你完全不必担心 |
| [12:55] | “How should he love thee? | “彼何以爱汝 |
| [12:56] | “Or how deem thee wise | “何以赏汝之才思 |
| [12:58] | “Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering?” | “若汝不任其遨游” |
| [13:04] | I didn’t see you there. | 我都没注意到你在这儿 |
| [13:05] | I was just reciting some Edgar Allan Poe. | 我刚吟诵了爱伦坡的诗 |
| [13:08] | Hi. I’m Derek. | 你好 我是德里克 |
| [13:10] | Welcome to the Medium Place. | 欢迎来到中间地带 |
| [13:14] | Derek, why are you so different? | 德里克 你怎么变化这么大 |
| [13:16] | You have Mindy to thank for that. | 这你得感谢明迪 |
| [13:18] | See, she found a plunger sticking out of the ground behind our house, | 她在屋后空地上发现了一根柱塞 |
| [13:21] | and every time she hits it, | 她每按动一下 |
| [13:23] | I pass out. | 我就会昏死 |
| [13:24] | When I come to, I’m a little bit smarter and a little bit better. | 每次醒来后 我都会有小小的提升 |
| [13:28] | Not to brag, but I almost have a full-grown penis now. | 不是吹牛 我的”小弟弟”现在都快长熟了 |
| [13:31] | It’s resplendent and mostly functional. | 硕大伟岸 功能几近完备 |
| [13:34] | How many times has Mindy rebooted you? | 明迪重启了你多少次 |
| [13:35] | I don’t know. Half a million. | 说不好 五十万次吧 |
| [13:37] | – What? – She reboots me a lot. | -不是吧 -她经常重启我 |
| [13:39] | Sometimes when she’s bored | 时而纯属无聊 |
| [13:40] | or just needs some “alone time.” | 时而只是”想静静” |
| [13:43] | Sometimes just for laughs. | 时而就为找乐 |
| [13:46] | Derek. | 德里克 |
| [13:48] | – Shall we head inside? – Okay. | -我们进去吧 -好 |
| [13:50] | Cool. | 好吧 |
| [13:52] | So here are the rules. | 我说一下规定 |
| [13:53] | Michael designs the new Neighborhood however he wants. | 迈克尔可以随心打造新社区 |
| [13:56] | The Bad Place gets to choose the four new humans. | “恶地”负责选择四个新人 |
| [13:59] | But they have to be the same general level of badness | 但新人的品质 |
| [14:02] | as the original four, all right? | 必须和”初代四人组”相同 |
| [14:04] | No serial killers, no dictators, | 不能是连环杀手 独裁者 |
| [14:06] | no one who managed a boy band. | 也不能是男团经理 |
| [14:08] | Michael will not get the files in advance, | 迈克尔不会提前收到新人的档案 |
| [14:11] | so he does not have forever to plan. | 这样他就没有大量时间准备了 |
| [14:13] | But he can then change the Neighborhood however he wants. | 但他随后可以任意更改社区配置 |
| [14:18] | Yeah, I have about a billion objections to this. | 我十亿个不同意 |
| [14:20] | So do I. | 我也是 |
| [14:20] | Good. That means it’s a fair compromise. | 很好 这样就公平了 |
| [14:22] | So one last issue– | 最后一个问题… |
| [14:25] | where do we get all the other residents for this place? | 社区中的其他居民由谁扮演 |
| [14:27] | Well, my original Neighborhood was built for torture, | 我的初代社区旨在折磨人类 |
| [14:30] | so everyone was a demon. | 所以其他居民都是恶魔 |
| [14:32] | We can’t have that. | 这可行不通 |
| [14:33] | I say we get them from the Good Place. | 不如从”善地”找人吧 |
| [14:35] | Over my dead skin suit. | 我死也不同意 |
| [14:37] | Well, what other option do we have? | 还能怎么办 |
| [14:39] | Would anybody like a Medium snack? | 有人想尝尝中间地带的零食吗 |
| [14:42] | I myself will be enjoying another classy Martini. | 我可是要再享用一杯经典马提尼 |
| [14:46] | Don’t mind if I do. | 请见谅 |
| [14:48] | I can make the people. | 我可以造人 |
| [14:50] | Just like I made Derek. | 就像创造德里克一样 |
| [14:51] | – Are you sure? – Yes. | -你确定 -嗯 |
| [14:52] | If the Judge restores my powers in the Medium Place, | 如果法官恢复我在中间地带的超能力 |
| [14:54] | I can do it. | 我就办得到 |
| [14:55] | They’ll be way more advanced than the original Derek. | 新人会比初代德里克高级得多 |
| [14:58] | – No offense. – None taken. | -无意冒犯 -没事 |
| [15:00] | Okay, the other residents will be comprised of Janet babies. | 好 其他居民由珍妮特的孩子扮演 |
| [15:04] | You will have one year of Earth time to try to improve the humans. | 你有地球历一年的时间帮助新人向善 |
| [15:08] | I will be monitoring everything | 我会监测全部情况 |
| [15:09] | to ensure there’s no cheating and to track the humans’ progress. | 以防有人作弊 并追踪人类的进步 |
| [15:12] | Deal? | 就这么定了 |
| [15:20] | Classic. | 屡试不爽 |
| [15:28] | – Janet? – Hi, there. | -珍妮特 -你好 |
| [15:30] | – Ready to start building? – Yes. | -准备好开工了吗 -准备好了 |
| [15:31] | I have some ideas | 我有一些想法 |
| [15:32] | for how to design a sort of basic Neighborhood, | 用于打造基础社区 |
| [15:34] | which we can then tailor to the guests as we learn more about them. | 了解新住客后 再针对性改进 |
| [15:38] | Now, when you say, some ideas… | 你刚刚说 有一些想法… |
| [15:40] | – I have 11 trillion ideas. – Yes. | -十一万亿个想法 -棒 |
| [15:42] | I’m so glad you’re here, Janet. | 有你真好 珍妮特 |
| [15:44] | – Me too. – All right, so… | -乐意效劳 -好 那… |
| [15:47] | What’s your first basic idea? | 你想先打造什么基础设施 |
| [15:54] | Perfect. So basic. | 真棒 简单粗暴 |
| [16:04] | This house was built to torture you. | 当初建造这里是为折磨你 |
| [16:06] | Why did you have Michael re-create it exactly? | 你怎么让迈克尔又原样重建了呢 |
| [16:09] | Well, in the memories I watched, | 我回看的那段记忆中 |
| [16:11] | this was where we fell in love. | 我们就是在这里坠入爱河 |
| [16:13] | So I figured, why mess with success? | 所以我想复制当年的成功 |
| [16:17] | I mean,what am I saying? | 我又说胡话了 |
| [16:18] | This house is stupid. | 这里太扯淡了 |
| [16:19] | And you’re lame, and I hate you. | 你这个小弱鸡 我讨厌你 |
| [16:21] | I love you, too. | 我也爱你 |
| [16:24] | This is gonna be fun. | 会很有意思的 |
| [16:26] | I mean, I know we have to help these new people, | 虽然我们得帮助那些新人 |
| [16:28] | but most of the time, | 但多数时间 |
| [16:30] | we’ll just get to live together like a normal couple. | 我们能像普通情侣一样相处 |
| [16:33] | We can chill out and just relax | 我们可以放松享受生活 |
| [16:36] | – and study philosophy– – Have sex. | -学习哲学… -滚床单 |
| [16:39] | Horndog. | 淫棍 |
| [16:40] | Nerd! | 书虫 |
| [16:48] | Hi, I’m Daphne. | 你好 我是达芙妮 |
| [16:49] | Hi, Daphne, I’m Janet. I made you. | 你好 达芙妮 我是创造你的珍妮特 |
| [16:52] | Great. I’ll wait for your instructions. | 好的 我会等待你的指示 |
| [16:54] | Thank you for making me. Bye. | 感谢你”生下”[创造]我 拜拜 |
| [16:56] | Okay, Daphne’s done. | 达芙妮完工 |
| [16:57] | Only another 185 people to go. | 还需创造185个人 |
| [17:00] | I’ll check back in an hour. | 我一小时后再来 |
| [17:02] | – You’re doing so good, Janet. – Thanks, Jason. | -你做得很棒 珍妮特 -谢谢 杰森 |
| [17:05] | Making people is exhausting. | 造人好累啊 |
| [17:08] | Can’t help but notice you’re making a bunch of people. | 我无意中发现你在造人 |
| [17:11] | You know, if we pooled our resources, | 我们俩齐心协力 |
| [17:13] | we could be done in two shakes of a lamb’s Derek. | 就能轻松完成”造人大业” |
| [17:16] | Whatever. Janet doesn’t need your help, dude. | 算了吧 珍妮特不需要你帮忙 |
| [17:18] | Actually, it would go a lot faster. | 其实 那样会更快 |
| [17:21] | – Thanks, Derek. – No problem. | -谢谢 德里克 -别客气 |
| [17:23] | Don’t worry. This is purely professional, okay? | 别担心 我俩只是工作关系 |
| [17:25] | Now, be a pal and hold my classy martini while I get down to business. | 乖 拿好我的经典马提尼 我好专心”干”活 |
| [17:31] | Let’s make people. | 开始造人吧 |
| [17:38] | Hello, Your Honor. | 法官阁下 |
| [17:40] | You fell for it. | 骗到你了 |
| [17:41] | It’s me, Shawn. | 是我 肖恩 |
| [17:43] | Just wanted to wish you bad luck. | 就想来唱衰你 |
| [17:45] | Trying to psyche me out? You must be scared. | 跟我玩心理战 你肯定是怕了 |
| [17:47] | I’m very confident. | 我自信满满 |
| [17:48] | I think we’ve picked some excellent subjects for your stupid experiment. | 我们为你的蠢实验挑中了绝佳的人选 |
| [17:52] | When you fail, and you will, | 等你必然的失败来临后 |
| [17:53] | I’ve got something special cooked up for your four little friends. | 我为你的四个人类朋友准备了一份大礼 |
| [17:56] | Let me guess, | 我猜猜看 |
| [17:57] | they’re gonna be tortured with penis-flatteners and bees with teeth. | 你会用”鸡鸡碾压机”和”利齿蜂”折磨他们 |
| [18:01] | You are so predictable. | 你真没新意 |
| [18:03] | Why don’t you at least switch it up once in a while? | 起码时不时换个花样啊 |
| [18:05] | Try using teeth-flatteners and bees with penises. | “利齿碾压机”和”大屌蜂”也行啊 |
| [18:10] | First of all, that’s stupid. | 首先 真是个馊主意 |
| [18:13] | But also, we are switching it up. | 但是 我们会换花样 |
| [18:14] | When you fail, the four humans will be tortured for all eternity. | 你失败后 四个人类会永世遭受酷刑折磨 |
| [18:17] | But guess who’s going to be doing the torturing? | 猜猜看 行刑人是谁 |
| [18:20] | Hello, idiot. | 你好啊 傻蛋 |
| [18:23] | We built a Michael suit. | 我们打造了”迈克尔皮囊” |
| [18:24] | The boys down in R&D said it couldn’t be done. | 研发部的人认为不可行 |
| [18:27] | So I made it out of them. | 我就用他们造了张皮 |
| [18:28] | That’s Vicky in there right now, taking you for a spin. | 这是披着你的皮的薇琪 |
| [18:31] | You are disgusting. | 你真恶心 |
| [18:33] | Disgusting– | 恶心… |
| [18:35] | Michael. | 迈克尔 |
| [18:35] | It’s going to be so amazing | 想想都爽 |
| [18:37] | watching your four BFFs look so sad and betrayed and confused | 你的四个好朋友会不解 痛心又绝望 |
| [18:41] | as you, their reformed demon-daddy, | 因为你 他们改邪归正的恶魔老爹 |
| [18:43] | unleash a swarm of… | 放出了一群… |
| [18:45] | penis bees. | 大屌蜜蜂 |
| [18:46] | I invented those. That was me. | 这是我自己的创意 |
| [18:49] | Well, I will just tell them what you’re going to do, | 我会把你的计划告诉他们 |
| [18:51] | and they’ll know that it isn’t really me. | 这样 他们就知道那其实不是我 |
| [18:53] | And we’ll erase their memories of you telling them. | 我们会消除他们的那段记忆 |
| [18:56] | Thanks for inventing that little trick, by the way. | 对了 感谢你发明了这个操作 |
| [18:58] | Very useful. Have fun, Michael. | 简单实用 好好玩 迈克尔 |
| [19:00] | Enjoy everything that is about to overwhelm you. | 享受即将吞没你的一切吧 |
| [19:05] | Bye, bitch! | 回见 小婊砸 |
| [19:09] | 一号实验对象唤醒倒计时 五分钟 | |
| [19:13] | So how bad is contestant number one? | 一号实验对象有多坏 |
| [19:17] | Murderer? War criminal? Instagram DJ? | 杀人犯 战犯 还是网红DJ |
| [19:21] | Yeah… | 嗯… |
| [19:22] | Are you okay? | 你没事吧 |
| [19:24] | Yep. Just a little jittery. | 没事 就是有点紧张 |
| [19:25] | Last time I designed a Neighborhood, | 我上次建造社区时 |
| [19:27] | things didn’t really go according to plan. | 事情发展就脱离了剧本 |
| [19:30] | Plans are for wimps. | 窝囊废才按剧本走 |
| [19:32] | We should have done this Shellstrop-style– | 我们该走”谢尔斯卓普风” |
| [19:34] | don’t prepare at all, | 完全不准备 |
| [19:35] | get drunk the morning of the test, | 考试当天醉酒 |
| [19:36] | BS our way through it, | 乱答一通 |
| [19:38] | and then brag about how we didn’t even study an still got a C-plus. | 然后吹嘘自己裸考还能及格 |
| [19:43] | So what do we got, man? | 怎么样 |
| [19:44] | I got to go give everyone a heads-up, remember? | 我得事先知会大家一声 记得吧 |
| [19:46] | His name is John. Some sort of journalist. | 他叫约翰 是个记者 |
| [19:49] | No major crimes or atrocities. | 无重罪 暴行 |
| [19:52] | Is he out there right now? . | 他现在外面吗 |
| [20:00] | That’s freaky. | 真渗人 |
| [20:01] | So, based on initial skimming of his file, | 根据对他的初步了解 |
| [20:04] | we will run scenario G48-119. | 我们会采用G48-119场景 |
| [20:09] | Jeez, Louise. | 我滴个神啊 |
| [20:10] | Well, you have to be prepared for anything. | 得做好万全准备 |
| [20:12] | I mean, is John coming in thinking that he belongs, | 约翰是会觉得这里就是他的归属 |
| [20:14] | or does he know he definitely doesn’t? | 还是会坚信他来错了地方 |
| [20:16] | Dude, dude, relax. | 大哥 淡定 |
| [20:18] | All we have to do today is tell John he’s in the Good Place, | 我们今天只需告诉约翰 他来到了”善地” |
| [20:21] | show him around the Neighborhood, | 带他四处逛一逛 |
| [20:22] | and get him to Tahani’s welcome party. | 然后领他去塔哈妮的欢迎派对 |
| [20:24] | That’s it. We can deal with the rest later. | 就这样 其他事情改日再议 |
| [20:26] | – Right? – Right. | -对吧 -对 |
| [20:28] | – Right, right, right. – Listen… | -对 没错 -听我说… |
| [20:30] | whatever your plan is, it’s gonna be great. | 你的计划绝对完美无缺 |
| [20:33] | We trust you. | 我们相信你 |
| [20:34] | Your friends will always trust you. | 你的朋友们会永远信任你 |
| [20:42] | – Okay. Here I go. – Okay. I’m gonna… | -好 我去了 -好 那我就… |
| [20:45] | Yep. Here I go. | 嗯 我去了 |
| [20:49] | I go here. | 了我去 |
| [20:52] | And… | 嗯… |
| [20:54] | – I’m gone. – Michael? | -我瘫了 -迈克尔 |
| [20:56] | Yeah, I’m gone. | 我不行了 |
| [20:59] | I can’t do this. | 我做不来 |
| [21:00] | Hello? Is anyone here? | 你好 有人吗 |
| [21:03] | Michael, buddy, John is awake. | 迈克尔 约翰醒了 |
| [21:04] | We need to open the door… . | 我们得开门… |
| [21:06] | And welcome him into the afterlife. | 欢迎他来到”死后世界” |
| [21:08] | Remember, the whole plan? | 记得我们的计划吗 |
| [21:10] | I do remember. | 我记得 |
| [21:11] | That’s why I can’t do it. It’s just too scary. | 所以我才做不来 太恐怖了 |
| [21:17] | No… | 我怕… |
| [21:18] | Hello? | 有人吗 |