| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| [00:08] | That’s uncomfortable. | 真不舒服 |
| [00:11] | Hey, guys. What’s up? | 大家好啊 |
| [00:12] | What’s up? | 问候你个大头鬼啊 |
| [00:14] | Tell us what happened. Did we win, did we lose? | 公布结果啊 我们赢了 还是输了 |
| [00:16] | Is humanity saved forever? | 全人类拯救成功了吗 |
| [00:18] | And did you find Nintendo? I can’t find it any– | 你找到我的任天堂了吗 我找不到了 |
| [00:21] | Never mind. I’m holding it. | 没事了 我手里拿着呢 |
| [00:23] | Sorry, I can’t reveal the resus of the experiment | 抱歉 我目前还不能透露结果 |
| [00:25] | until we get to the Judge’s chambers. | 必须等到法官开庭 |
| [00:26] | Okay, where is everyone? | 那几个人类呢 |
| [00:27] | Where’s Simone and John and Brent | 西蒙妮 约翰 布兰特 |
| [00:30] | and actually I don’t care about any of those doofs. | 我就假装关心一下这几个傻叉 |
| [00:31] | Where’s Chidi? | 奇迪呢 |
| [00:32] | He’s on the toilet. | 他在马桶上 |
| [00:34] | Sorry, that’s not enough information. | 抱歉 我该说得具体一些 |
| [00:36] | The text subjects are frozen in stasis, | 目标人类处于休眠状态 |
| [00:38] | so I put them in the bathroom, | 我把他们放进浴室了 |
| [00:39] | and I placed Chidi on the toilet, | 让奇迪坐在马桶上了 |
| [00:42] | the best seat. | 最舒适的位置 |
| [00:44] | Let’s wake him up. | 把他唤醒 |
| [00:45] | You know, so I can, like, be reunited with the man I love. | 我就可以和一生挚爱团圆了 |
| [00:48] | Snappy, snappy, memory fixy. | 你一个响指 他就恢复记忆了 |
| [00:50] | The Judge says no one gets unfrozen until she’s ruled on the case. | 法官说 下判决之前 不能叫醒他们 |
| [00:54] | Humans have to stay here. You can’t see the numbers. | 人类不能去 你们不能看得分 |
| [00:57] | Hang on. | 打住 |
| [00:58] | I worked my ash off running this neighborhood for a full year, | 我这一年劳心劳力 累到吐血 |
| [01:01] | and I’m not even allowed to hear how we did? | 结果还没资格听结果吗 |
| [01:04] | Yes. And here’s a bottle of tequila. | 对 给你一瓶龙舌兰 |
| [01:06] | Okay, let us know how it goes. | 好商量 静候佳音 |
| [01:16] | Regardless of what the Judge rules, | 不管判决如何 |
| [01:17] | this feels like some sort of good-bye. | 我感觉就要曲终人散了 |
| [01:19] | Even if we succeeded, there’s no guarantee she’ll keep us together. | 即使成功了 也说不准她不会拆开我们 |
| [01:22] | She might just snap her fingers | 也许她会打一个响指 |
| [01:24] | and send us flying into different dimensions. | 将我们送到不同时空 |
| [01:27] | How was that? Did I cheer everyone up? | 听完我这番话 大家”振奋”起来了吗 |
| [01:29] | Man, are we gonna die again? | 天 我们又要死一次了吗 |
| [01:31] | We’ve died so many times. | 我们都死千百回了 |
| [01:33] | We’ve probably had, like, 15 funerals by now. | 如今都有15次葬礼了吧 |
| [01:37] | It’s getting annoying. | 宝宝不开心 |
| [01:38] | If it would cheer you up, | 不知道有没有用 |
| [01:39] | I could tell you what happened at your original funerals. | 我可以告知你们真实葬礼的情形 |
| [01:42] | Tahani, Moby spoke first. He claimed that– | 塔哈妮 莫比先致悼词 他说… |
| [01:45] | Please stop. | 别说了 |
| [01:46] | I don’t want to hear it. | 我不想知道 |
| [01:48] | What about mine? | 我的葬礼呢 |
| [01:49] | Your friends didn’t say things about you | 你兄弟们没怎么致悼词 |
| [01:51] | so much as they graffiti’ed a Red Lobster about you. | 只是各种涂鸦 把你画成龙虾 |
| [01:54] | Yeah, in Jacksonville, | 杰克逊维尔市 |
| [01:55] | that’s the first stage of grief. | 这是悲伤的第一阶段 |
| [01:57] | In Arizona, you can either have a regular funeral, | 在亚利桑那 要么正常办葬礼 |
| [02:00] | or they can put your body out on a shooting range, | 要么把你的遗体放到打靶场 |
| [02:03] | and you get a $200 state tax credit. | 能拿到两百美金税减免 |
| [02:06] | Hang on. | 等下 |
| [02:07] | This is how we take our minds off the Judge’s ruling. | 找到不去想判决一事的办法了 |
| [02:09] | Let’s throw ourselves the funeral to end all funerals. | 来给自己办一场”终极葬礼”吧 |
| [02:13] | Awesome. | 太棒了 |
| [02:14] | And you know what they say in Florida: | 弗罗里达州有句俗语 |
| [02:16] | “If you don’t like this funeral, just wait a minute.” | “下一个葬礼会更棒” |
| [02:23] | The Judge’s chambers. I hate this place. | 法官内廷 真心不待见这里 |
| [02:26] | What’s the wi-fi password? There is no service. | 这里无线密码是多少 没有信号哎 |
| [02:31] | Shawn. | 肖恩 |
| [02:33] | Michael. | 迈克尔 |
| [02:34] | Bounces of me, and sticks to you. | 暴击还给你 掉血吧 |
| [02:36] | Wait. No, I messed that up. | 慢着 打开方式不对 |
| [02:38] | First, say something mean to me, | 你得先吐槽我 |
| [02:39] | really cruel, something that just guts me. | 说些暴击我的话 |
| [02:42] | You’re totally gonna be glue. | 你肯定会被炸成粘液 |
| [02:45] | So it’s come to this. | 终于要谢幕了 |
| [02:47] | We have finally arrived at the end | 终于演到终场 |
| [02:49] | of your pathetic attempt to prove that humans | 见证你苦心证明人类 |
| [02:51] | are more than just mobile turd factories, | 不只是”行走的粪工厂” |
| [02:55] | and you are going to fail again | 你又要失败了 |
| [02:57] | because that is what you do. | 因为这就是你的人设 |
| [03:00] | You’re a choker, Michael. | 关键时刻掉链子 迈克尔 |
| [03:01] | And you’re about to choke for the last time… | 最后一次 你又要掉链子了 |
| [03:04] | except for the eternity you’re going to spend | 只是这一次你要下地狱 |
| [03:06] | in the Bad Place being choked by me, | 永生永世被我折磨 |
| [03:08] | who will be doing the choking. | “我会用链子天天勒你” |
| [03:11] | Well, you’re glue. | 你个”行走的粘液团” |
| [03:16] | – Look at this place. – Beautiful. | -瞧瞧这里啊 -真漂亮 |
| [03:19] | Hello, Good Place committee. Thank you for coming. | “善地”委员会 感谢前来 |
| [03:21] | No, thank you, Michael. | 谢谢你 迈克尔 |
| [03:22] | You did an incredible job, | 你表现太出色了 |
| [03:24] | maybe the best job that anyone’s ever done at any task. | 一枝独秀啊 前无古人 后无来者 |
| [03:27] | But you don’t know how we did. | 但你们不知道结果如何 |
| [03:28] | We might not know how you did, | 虽然不知道结果如何 |
| [03:30] | but we know you did great. | 但你表现爆表了 |
| [03:33] | And Shawn, before we even find out what happened, | 肖恩 最终结果出来之前 |
| [03:35] | we want you to know we’re willing to give up | 我们愿意放弃所有谈判条件 |
| [03:36] | all our leverage, compromise, and meet you halfway. | 折衷办法 我们愿意让步 |
| [03:40] | I met your mom halfway last night. | 我昨晚让你妈”折中”了 |
| [03:42] | So colorful! | 太没节操了 |
| [03:44] | We are here to celebrate the afterlife of Tahani Al-Jamil, | 我们今天来参加塔哈妮·阿贾米尔的”死后葬礼” |
| [03:48] | in the place she felt most comfortable, | 葬礼地点选在她最自在之地 |
| [03:50] | the cabin of a Gulfstream G650 private jet. | 湾流G650私人飞机舱内 |
| [03:54] | Tahani was super nice, | 塔哈妮生前人超好 |
| [03:57] | and she deserved for people to be nicer to her than they were. | 人们亏待于她 但她值得人们善待 |
| [04:01] | The only sad thing is that she never got over her speech impediment. | 她唯一的憾事就是 没有克服说话障碍 |
| [04:05] | Tahani improved so much over her many lives, | 塔哈妮成功蜕变了 |
| [04:09] | but she also helped me improve. | 她也助我蜕变了 |
| [04:11] | She taught me lots of stuff, | 她教会我很多 |
| [04:13] | like bras shouldn’t be painful, | 正常文胸穿着不会难受 |
| [04:15] | and you don’t buy bras at Home Depot, | 不该在家得宝买文胸 |
| [04:19] | and they don’t sell bras at Home Depot. | 家得宝也不卖文胸啊 |
| [04:20] | What the hell are you wearing? | 你穿的是什么啊 |
| [04:22] | For the record, it was a men’s back support harness, | 话说 那是男人背撑护具 |
| [04:25] | and it worked in a pinch. | 凑合用还行 |
| [04:27] | She was the best friend I ever had… | 她是我最好的闺蜜 |
| [04:30] | and I loved her. | 我爱她 |
| [04:32] | Thank you so much. | 太感谢了 |
| [04:34] | That was wonderful. | 说得太好了 |
| [04:36] | I wish Chidi was here. | 奇迪在这里就好了 |
| [04:37] | It sucks that he’s too dead for these Heaven funerals. | 可惜他”死透了” 没法参加”天堂葬礼”了 |
| [04:41] | Can someone grab his arm? | 谁来抬一下他的胳膊 |
| [04:42] | My hands are kind of full with his butt. | 我的手拖不住他的屁股了 |
| [04:44] | How’d he get so jacked? | 一个书生怎么这么壮 |
| [04:46] | When he was 14, someone told him that exercise alleviated anxiety, | 他14岁时 有人跟他说锻炼可以缓解焦虑 |
| [04:49] | and he started doing pushups and basically never stopped. | 于是他开始做俯卧撑 自此就没间断 |
| [04:54] | All right, everyone. | 各位 |
| [04:56] | Let’s get this done. | 开庭吧 |
| [04:57] | This is the single most important case that has ever appeared in my court, | 这是有史以来我接手的最重要一案 |
| [05:02] | and the results will have ramifications for eternity. | 判决结果 将永生有效 |
| [05:05] | Before we begin, | 开始之前 |
| [05:06] | I’m going to need you all to sign this. | 你们得签一下这个 |
| [05:11] | A petition to bring back “Ally McBeal.” | 重启《《甜心俏佳人》》的请愿 |
| [05:14] | Well, yeah. | 是啊 |
| [05:15] | I mean, everything else is getting rebooted. | 这年头各种剧都翻拍新版了 |
| [05:16] | Get a young hottie in there, you know, like a Zendaya type. | 再找个新辣妹来演 赞达亚那种款 |
| [05:19] | Is it Zendaya or Zendaya? | 是念成”赞戴亚”还是”赞达亚” |
| [05:21] | Zendaya. | 赞达亚 |
| [05:22] | Or–I don’t… | 我不是粉…. |
| [05:23] | I mean, who wouldn’t watch that? Am I right? Anyone? | 这种美妞来演 还怕没收视率吗 有人同意吗 |
| [05:26] | Fine. | 不签拉倒 |
| [05:29] | Take it away, Matt. | 你上场吧 马特 |
| [05:31] | Okay, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. | 大家期盼已久的一刻到了 |
| [05:34] | The test results that dictate the future of humanity. | 决定未来人类存亡的结果出来了 |
| [05:38] | Here we go. In 30, 29… | 倒数开始 30 29 |
| [05:41] | Two, one. | 二 一 |
| [05:44] | Voila. | 展示在此 |
| [05:46] | I thought this would be fun. | 我觉得这样会很有意思 |
| [05:48] | Had a lot of time alone in there. | 我在里面闲得蛋疼想出来的点子 |
| [05:51] | Bam! | 碉堡啊 |
| [05:52] | Simone got 12% better than she was on Earth. | 西蒙妮比生前进步了12% |
| [05:56] | Bam! Chidi got 26% better. | 碉堡啊 奇迪提升了26% |
| [05:58] | Bam! John got 44% better. | 碉堡啊 约翰提升了44% |
| [06:05] | Shoot. | 妈蛋啊 |
| [06:07] | Shouldn’t have committed so hard to this “bam” thing. | 就不该一直喊碉堡 结果打脸了 |
| [06:10] | Funeral! | 葬礼万岁 |
| [06:13] | Jason, at the risk of getting an answer that might thoroughly depress me, | 杰森 我这么问 稍后一定会悔到肠子都青了 |
| [06:18] | what made you choose this setting? | 但还是问一下 为什么选这里 |
| [06:19] | There’s a Jacksonville tradition of having your funeral where you were born. | 杰克逊维尔的风俗就是 葬礼在出生地举办 |
| [06:23] | I got born in the deep end of a pool right after my mom did a cannonball. | 我妈玩一跃入水 然后我就在泳池里出生了 |
| [06:27] | Well, I knew the risks. | 我就知道不该问 |
| [06:29] | You never really talk about your mom. | 你从来都没提过你妈 |
| [06:30] | Yeah, she died when I was pretty young. | 我很小时 她就过世了 |
| [06:32] | I lost her to the big C. | “大C哥”带走了她 |
| [06:36] | That’s what we called the crocodile that lived by my house. | “大C哥”就是我家旁边那只鳄鱼 |
| [06:40] | I’m just playing. It was cancer. | 我逗你们呢 我妈死于癌症 |
| [06:43] | Watch me do a handstand. | 看我怎么倒立 |
| [06:47] | Jason Mendoza didn’t have an easy life. | 杰森·门多萨生前过得很惨 |
| [06:50] | He once told me the closest he’d ever gotten to having a pi?ata on his birthday | 他曾跟我说 他唯一收到”生日礼品包”的一次 |
| [06:54] | was when a seagull ate too many condoms on the beach and exploded. | 就是一只海鸥在海滩上吞下太多安全套 最后撑爆了 |
| [06:58] | But despite it all, | 但尽管如此 |
| [06:59] | he was the most optimistic person I’d ever met. | 他是我心目中最乐观向上的人 |
| [07:02] | Jason was the very first person to ask me about my feelings. | 杰森是第一个询问我感受的人 |
| [07:05] | I hadn’t had any yet, | 而我至今也没有人类感受 |
| [07:06] | but it made me want to go get some. | 但这让我想要体会一下 |
| [07:08] | I could see something special inside him that no one else could see. | 别人看不到他有多特别 但我能看到 |
| [07:12] | It was a multi-colored blob of positivity right behind his sternum. | 他胸腔内有一团多彩的光团 |
| [07:16] | That’s my Jason, a big, colorful, rainbow blob | 这就是我的杰森 一个多彩如虹的大光团 |
| [07:20] | stuffed inside a hot, life-size action figure. | 隐藏于一副帅气健壮的皮囊之下 |
| [07:23] | Plus, I gotta say it was nice to have a true dirtbag buddy | 另外 我得说 认识一个傻蛋朋友挺好 |
| [07:27] | so I could talk about what really mattered in life. | 这样就可以聊些真心喜欢的事物了 |
| [07:30] | Wrestling, semi-legal drugs, and Jason Statham. | 摔角 半合法毒品 还有杰森·斯坦森 |
| [07:33] | Statham forever! | 斯坦森最牛掰 |
| [07:34] | Indeed. | 说得好 |
| [07:36] | Statham forever. Amen. | 斯坦森最牛掰 阿门 |
| [07:39] | Amen. | 阿门 |
| [07:40] | Let’s focus on the big picture here. | 着眼于一下大局 |
| [07:42] | Free of Earth’s complications | 不管人间何其复杂 |
| [07:44] | and its unintended consequences, | 人生走向何其难测 |
| [07:47] | the other three improved a lot. | 其他三人进步非常大 |
| [07:49] | Chidi got 38% more confident. | 奇迪提升了38%的自信 |
| [07:52] | Simone got 43% more flexible in her judgments of people, | 西蒙妮在评价别人时 提升了43% 不再武断 |
| [07:56] | and John didn’t call one single person the C-word. | 约翰没骂任何人是”贱婊” |
| [07:58] | But he did yell the C-word at himself | 他对自己喊”贱婊”了 |
| [08:01] | as well as a pack of squirrels and a chair he tripped over. | 还有一群松鼠 以及绊倒他的椅子 |
| [08:05] | Why are we even still discussing this? | 还费什么话啊 |
| [08:07] | Brent got worse. | 布兰特变得更坏了 |
| [08:08] | If humans can’t be good with their needs magically met, | 如果心想事成都不能使人向善 |
| [08:11] | maybe they’re just not that good. | 也许他们本性就恶 |
| [08:12] | He’s right; the evidence needed to be overwhelming. | 他说得对 必须要铁证如山才可以 |
| [08:15] | I can’t just turn the whole afterlife upside down | 我没法颠覆整个死后世界 |
| [08:18] | because three people got a little bit better. | 就因为三个人变好了 |
| [08:20] | But don’t forget. | 但别忘了 |
| [08:21] | There’s a lot of evidence that Eleanor, | 大量证据显示 埃莉诺 |
| [08:23] | Jason and Tahani got better in the original experiment, | 杰森 塔哈妮在先前实验中也提升自己了 |
| [08:26] | so that’s six people. | 这就是六个人了 |
| [08:28] | That’s the number of friends in “Friends.” | 《老友记》里就是六个主角啊 |
| [08:30] | Are you gonna sit there and say that every single Friend belongs in hell? | 你难道要说《老友记》六个主角该下地狱吗 |
| [08:33] | I mean, maybe Ross and Rachel, and Monica and Joey, | 也许罗斯和瑞秋该下地狱 莫妮卡和乔伊也该 |
| [08:38] | and definitely Chandler… | 钱德勒妥妥下地狱 |
| [08:41] | but Phoebe? | 但菲比不该啊 |
| [08:42] | Face it, Michael. You lost. | 别挣扎了 迈克尔 你输了 |
| [08:44] | Everything you’ve done, this experiment, | 你所做的一切 这次的实验 |
| [08:47] | the original Neighborhood, | 原先的”善地” |
| [08:48] | sending your little cockroach buddies back to Earth, | 让你的”人类渣伙伴”重返人间 |
| [08:50] | all of it was for nothing. | 一切努力都打水漂了 |
| [08:51] | Bam. You’re glue. | 暴击 你要被炸成粘液了 |
| [08:54] | Actually, Shawn, that’s a very interesting point. | 肖恩 你说得很有道理 |
| [08:57] | Exactly. What? | 必须的 什么套路 |
| [08:58] | Matt, call up the active files of four people still alive on Earth, | 马特 调出四个尚在人世的实时档案 |
| [09:01] | Kamilah Al-Jamil, Donna Shellstrop, | 卡米拉·阿贾米尔 唐娜·谢尔斯卓普 |
| [09:04] | and her stepdaughter Patricia, | 以及她的继女 帕特里夏 |
| [09:05] | and Steven Peleaz, AKA Pillboi. | 以及史蒂文·皮里艾兹 人称”药哥” |
| [09:08] | They were not part of the experiment. | 他们不是实验一部 |
| [09:09] | If he gets to bring in random good people into it, | 如果他可以随便调好人进来 |
| [09:11] | I should be able to bring in random bad people. | 我也可以随便调坏人档案 |
| [09:13] | Call up Elizabeth Holmes. | 调出”伊丽莎白·霍尔姆斯” |
| [09:14] | No, Henry Kissinger. | 不 亨利·基辛格 |
| [09:16] | No… | 不 |
| [09:18] | PewDiePie. | “死吓派” |
| [09:19] | Your honor, the people I want to look at are not random. | 法官阁下 我不是随便查看什么人 |
| [09:22] | They’re four humans the cockroaches helped on Earth. | 这是四个”渣”人类在人间帮助过的人 |
| [09:25] | No magic. Just– just kindness. | 没靠魔法 只靠善意 |
| [09:27] | And I bet their emotional support made those four people better. | 我敢说 情感关怀让这四个人变得美好了 |
| [09:31] | And I’m wrong, | 如果我错了 |
| [09:33] | I’ll be the first to say… | 我会承认 |
| [09:35] | we’re glue. | 我们活该被炸成粘液 |
| [09:36] | I don’t think any of you is using that right, | 你们俩对这个词是有多大误解啊 |
| [09:39] | but, fine, let’s see it. | 不重要了 来看吧 |
| [09:42] | Look. Right there. | 你们看 |
| [09:43] | After we intervened, | 我们跟他们发生交集后 |
| [09:44] | Pillboi dedicated himself to caring for the elderly. | “药哥”去老人中心帮忙了 |
| [09:47] | Kamilah started a scholarship in Tahani’s name | 卡米拉创立了”塔哈妮奖学金” |
| [09:50] | that sent 213 women to college. | 213个女孩因此念上大学了 |
| [09:53] | Donna started doing homework with Patricia every night, | 唐娜开始每晚陪帕特里夏一起写作业了 |
| [09:56] | and that little girl… | 结果这个小女孩 |
| [09:58] | actually ended up teaching Donna multiplication. | 反过来教唐娜怎么算乘法了 |
| [10:01] | Yikes. | 我的娘咧 |
| [10:02] | Look, the point is people improve when they get external love and support. | 重点是 人们身边有爱与支持就会变美好 |
| [10:09] | How can we hold it against them when they don’t? | 没人爱 没人支持 怎能因此怪罪人类 |
| [10:11] | Need I remind you that | 我来提醒一句 |
| [10:12] | Brent got worse with every second of every moment of every day. | 布兰特每一天每一秒都变得更加恶劣 |
| [10:17] | Until right at the end. | 除了最后一刻 |
| [10:19] | With 10 seconds left, he swung way up. | 只剩十秒时 他直线上升了 |
| [10:22] | This is it, your honor. | 这就是关键 法官阁下 |
| [10:24] | This is the whole story. | 重点就在这里 |
| [10:26] | No one is beyond rehabilitation. | 不存在”无可救药”的人 |
| [10:30] | Brent spent a year being an absolute diaper load of a human being, | 布兰特这一年都表现得很混蛋 |
| [10:33] | and the points total tells you that. | 你可以从分数中看到 |
| [10:35] | But what that number can’t tell you… | 但这些数据没法说明 |
| [10:38] | is who he could’ve become tomorrow. | 他未来会成为什么样的人 |
| [10:45] | I’ll have my ruling shortly. | 我很快会下判决 |
| [10:48] | Okay, Janet, where do you want to go for your funeral? | 珍妮特 你想去哪办葬礼 |
| [10:50] | Dave and Buster’s, probably? | “戴夫和巴斯特家”吗 |
| [10:51] | You probably want to go to Dave and Buster’s. | 你应该想去”戴夫和巴斯特家”吧 |
| [10:53] | I think I heard her say Dave and Buster’s, | 她好像说”戴夫和巴斯特家”了 |
| [10:54] | so let’s just go there. | 我们走吧 |
| [10:56] | We can sort it out later. | 到了再安排 |
| [10:58] | It’s nice that you want to honor me, | 你想缅怀我 很贴心 |
| [11:00] | but… you’ve already given me so much. | 但你们已经给我很多恩惠了 |
| [11:02] | Tahani taught me that you can make a family, | 塔哈妮教会我 可以结交好友 亲如家人 |
| [11:06] | even if you never really had one. | 无血缘关系 但胜似亲人 |
| [11:08] | Jason taught me I have value beyond what I do for other people. | 杰森教会我 我的价值远胜于”服务员” |
| [11:12] | And Eleanor… | 埃莉诺 |
| [11:13] | there was a moment on Earth when all hope was lost, | 我们之前在人间 前路一片渺茫时 |
| [11:16] | and I watched you have hope anyway. | 我亲眼所见 你仍心怀希望 |
| [11:18] | Just thinking about that makes me want to barf up a beautiful quasar. | 光是想下这一点 我就想吐出一个美丽的类星体 |
| [11:23] | Well said, Janet. | 说得真好 珍妮特 |
| [11:24] | That means it’s your turn, Eleanor. | 这表示该轮到你了 埃莉诺 |
| [11:26] | All right. Mine’s easy. | 好吧 我的葬礼很简单 |
| [11:29] | We don’t even have to move. | 我们都不用换地方 |
| [11:30] | I stand here before you, | 我站在你面前 |
| [11:32] | in sweatpants for the first time ever, | 第一次穿运动裤 |
| [11:35] | to celebrate Eleanor Shellstrop | 举办埃莉诺·谢尔斯卓普的葬礼 |
| [11:37] | in a place where she spent much of her life, | 她生前在此度过了大部分时光 |
| [11:39] | a bar in a house she was not invited to. | 一个没人请她进入的室内酒吧 |
| [11:43] | Eleanor was full of surprises. | 埃莉诺总是不走寻常路 |
| [11:45] | I never knew if she was going to ruthlessly make fun of me, | 我永远分不清她是狠狠吐槽我 |
| [11:47] | or totally objectify me in a way that was flattering, | 还是变相夸我美 |
| [11:51] | and also vaguely problematic. | 对我还有点痴迷 |
| [11:53] | But whether she was lifting me up or calling me out… | 但不管她是鼓励我 还是教育我 |
| [11:59] | I never felt quite so seen as when she saw me. | 我感觉做回自我了 因为她看到真正的我了 |
| [12:04] | Eleanor, I know you don’t like it when people get all emotional about you, | 埃莉诺 我知道你不喜欢别人太煽情 |
| [12:08] | so I channeled all of my love for you into this song. | 于是我把对你的爱都写进歌里了 |
| [12:21] | That’s when the foam cannons go pshh! | 脑补一下 泡沫炮都炸开了 |
| [12:23] | Explode outward! | 漫天泡泡 |
| [12:25] | And then back to the song. | 歌曲继续 |
| [12:28] | Okay, okay, we’re good. | 行了 别唱了 |
| [12:30] | Thank you. | 谢谢你 |
| [12:31] | Yeah. | 客气 |
| [12:32] | Okay, who’s left? | 还剩谁 |
| [12:36] | We are here to celebrate the afterlife of Chidi Anagonye. | 我们在此举办奇迪·阿纳贡耶的葬礼 |
| [12:40] | Eleanor, would you like to say a few words? | 埃莉诺 你想致悼词吗 |
| [12:46] | Chidi was a… | 奇迪是个 |
| [12:49] | rootin’, tootin’, rackin’ frackin’ varmint. | 呆萌乐观有文化的小坏蛋 |
| [12:53] | Sorry, I don’t know why I just went full Yosemite Sam, there. | 抱歉 我不知怎么就”燥山姆”上身了 |
| [12:58] | Yeah, I don’t think I can… do this. | 太伤了 我说不出口 |
| [13:01] | I–I can’t just sum up all of my feelings about Chidi, | 我没法用几句话表达我对奇迪的感情 |
| [13:04] | So I’m gonna pass. | 我就不说了 |
| [13:08] | The Judge is about to make her ruling. | 法官要下判决了 |
| [13:10] | She wants us to be there to hear it. | 她想让我们过去听结果 |
| [13:13] | We should probably change outfits. | 先换一下衣服吧 |
| [13:14] | Tahani’s sweatpants say “Skank army” on the butt. | 塔哈妮的运动裤屁股上印这”骚货群” |
| [13:17] | They do? | 不是吧 |
| [13:19] | Michael… | 迈克尔 |
| [13:21] | you came to me and said the points system was flawed, | 你来找我说评分系统有缺陷 |
| [13:24] | a system that has been in place since the dawn of time | 而这个系统自创世纪以来一直沿用至今 |
| [13:28] | and has judged every soul that has ever walked the earth. | 世世代代决定着人类该上天堂 还是下地狱 |
| [13:32] | And I have come to the conclusion… | 我判决如下 |
| [13:36] | that you’re right. | 你说得对 |
| [13:39] | – I’m– – You’re right. | -我 -你说得对 |
| [13:41] | Humans are not fixed at one level of morality. | 人类的道德水准不是一成不变 |
| [13:44] | They can always get better, | 他们可以进化 |
| [13:45] | which means the points system does not accurately judge | 这表示评分系统无法准确测评出 |
| [13:49] | how good or bad they are. | 他们是良善还是邪恶 |
| [13:53] | You won. | 你赢了 |
| [13:58] | Well, that wasn’t so hard now, what it? | 九九八十一难取回真经啊 |
| [14:02] | We did it! We did it! | 我们成功了 成功了 |
| [14:07] | The universe owes you a debt of gratitude for bringing this to my attention. | 你上报此事 全宇宙都欠你一个大人情 |
| [14:10] | Now, in terms of how we handle this moving forward, | 此事应对策略是 |
| [14:13] | obviously, Earth is cancelled. | 将”消除”人间 |
| [14:17] | Earth is what, now? | 要把人间怎么了 |
| [14:19] | All humans on Earth and in the afterlife will be extinguished, | 世间所有人类和死后灵魂都将灰飞烟灭 |
| [14:22] | and we will start the entire human race over from scratch. | 人类一切将重头开始 |
| [14:25] | And you know what’s so funny? | 最有意思的一点就是 |
| [14:27] | In a very roundabout way, | 我这是变相受益啊 |
| [14:30] | I am actually rebooting “Ally McBeal” | 我可以重启《甜心俏佳人》了 |
| [14:33] | because I’m rebooting everything. | 因为反正一切都重启了 |
| [14:35] | Anyway, congrats, Michael. You won. | 总之 恭喜 迈克尔 你赢了 |
| [14:43] | Your honor. | 法官阁下 |
| [14:44] | Let’s just slow down here, | 慢点说 |
| [14:46] | and say everything again maybe, | 再重复一次 |
| [14:47] | because I think some of us were thinking about skateboards | 因为有人刚才想滑板走神了 |
| [14:50] | and don’t know what’s going on. | 跟不上剧情了 |
| [14:53] | Canceling Earth– but doesn’t seem a bit drastic? | “抹除”人间 有点太极端了吧 |
| [14:56] | It’s just too much of a mess down there, you know? | 人间太乱了 |
| [14:59] | I mean, the simplest solution is to erase everyone that ever lived | 最简单的方式 就是消灭所有生灵 |
| [15:04] | and restart with a bunch of amoebas or whatever. | 恢复原始状态 从单细胞生物开始发展 |
| [15:08] | Then human life will evolve again, | 人类会再次进化 |
| [15:10] | or maybe even something better. | 也许会升级呢 |
| [15:12] | Maybe this time they won’t have baby teeth, you know? | 也许这次不会再长乳牙了 |
| [15:15] | That whole thing is so weird, like they fall out | 这事太奇葩了 乳牙会掉 |
| [15:17] | and then the bigger teeth just grow out of that same hole. | 然后同一个牙洞长出更大的牙齿 |
| [15:21] | Gross. | 太恶心了 |
| [15:22] | Anyway, the important thing is Earth… | 总之重点是 人间就此消失 |
| [15:26] | How are you guys surprised? | 你们怎么这么惊讶 |
| [15:28] | I mean, what did you think was gonna happen if you won? | 不然你们以为赢了会怎样 |
| [15:31] | I don’t know. | 没想过啊 |
| [15:31] | I thought we could just give, like, give three points | 我以为是 比如吃一个苹果 改成加三分 |
| [15:34] | for eating an apple instead of two. | 而不是加两分 |
| [15:36] | Yes, why can’t we just tweak the points a little? | 对啊 不如对评分系统稍作改动 |
| [15:38] | Just, you know, a little boost, like Spanx, but for your soul. | 升级一下 比如束身内衣 但提升的是灵魂 |
| [15:42] | – Yes. – Guys, the problem isn’t the points. | -对 -问题不是评分 |
| [15:45] | It’s that Earth has become too complicated | 而是人间已经发展复杂了 |
| [15:47] | for the points to reflect the value of human behavior. | 评分系统已经无法适应这种标准了 |
| [15:51] | Remember? The whole thing you discovered? | 失忆了吗 这是你发现的漏洞啊 |
| [15:53] | And now I have no choice but to fix it. | 我现在只能修正漏洞了 |
| [15:58] | Where did I put that human wiper outer thingy? | “消灭人类”控制器在哪呢 |
| [16:01] | Lip gloss, lip gloss, thing that ends all the wars, | 唇膏 唇膏 结束所有战争的控制器 |
| [16:06] | Wow, you won. | 哎呦喂 你赢了 |
| [16:08] | And you still somehow failed. | 但还是一副输家败相 |
| [16:11] | Classic. | 符合你人设 |
| [16:14] | Wake Chidi up. Now. | 赶紧叫醒奇迪 |
| [16:16] | We need all the help we can get. | 要有人出谋划策 |
| [16:17] | You really want me to wake him up, | 你真想让我唤醒他 |
| [16:19] | just to tell him that he and everyone else in the universe is going to cease to exist? | 就为了告诉他 他和全人类将灰飞烟灭吗 |
| [16:23] | Not when you say it like that. | 你别这么事实暴击啊 |
| [16:25] | Well, what… | 那怎么… |
| [16:27] | The Good Place nerds. | “善地”文书们 |
| [16:28] | – Our only hope. – Wait, I, you know… | -我们唯一的希望 -我… |
| [16:30] | Yo, yo, yo, angel types, | 天使大哥大姐们 |
| [16:31] | if you are ever gonna do something, you gotta do it now. | 此时不出手 更待何时 |
| [16:34] | You bet we’re gonna do something. | 我们必须出手啊 |
| [16:35] | This has gone too far. | 局势已然失控了 |
| [16:37] | I’m composing some very sternly worded letters. | 我正措辞声色俱厉地撰写书信 |
| [16:40] | Are we sure stern is the right tone? | 声色俱厉 有点过了吧 |
| [16:42] | We don’t want to seem strident. It upsets the norms. | 不能显得太咄咄逼人 这不符合规范 |
| [16:45] | You’re absolutely right. | 你说得没错 |
| [16:46] | I apologize… | 我道歉 |
| [16:47] | and resign, effective immediately. | 我辞职 即刻生效 |
| [16:50] | So bold. I am so proud of you. | 真霸气 都被你圈粉了 |
| [16:52] | Here it is. Great. | 终于找到了 |
| [16:54] | Michael, Shawn, Janet, see you in maybe a billion years. | 迈克尔 肖恩 珍妮特 十亿年后见 |
| [16:59] | It has been one crazy ride, you guys. | 这一路很精彩啊 各位 |
| [17:02] | ♪ And I’m gonna miss everybody ♪ | ♪我会想念所有人♪ |
| [17:04] | ♪ And I’m gonna miss everybody ♪ | ♪我会想念所有人♪ |
| [17:05] | ♪ And I’m gonna miss everybody ♪ | ♪我会想念所有人♪ |
| [17:07] | ♪ And I’m gonna miss every– ♪ | ♪我会想念所有人♪ |
| [17:08] | ♪ See you at the crossroads, crossroads ♪ | ♪十字路再相见♪ |
| [17:10] | ♪ See you at the crossroads, crossroads ♪ | ♪十字路再相见♪ |
| [17:15] | I’m gonna miss you guys. | 我会想念大家 |
| [17:17] | Okay. | 好了 |
| [17:19] | Bye, y’all. | 永别了 |
| [17:22] | Janet, what the hell? Give it back. | 珍妮特 搞什么 还给我 |
| [17:25] | No, it’s in my void, and you can’t have it. | 不 我放进虚空了 你找不到 |
| [17:29] | I don’t say “No” a lot. Did I pronounce that right? | 我很少拒绝别人的请求 发音没问题吧 |
| [17:31] | Janet, you give me back my thingy, | 珍妮特 把控制器还给我 |
| [17:32] | or I will go into your void and get it myself. | 不然我就自己进你的虚空拿了 |
| [17:34] | I’d like to see you try. | 有本事你来啊 |
| [17:36] | Okay. She’s trying right now. | 好吧 她真进来了 |
| [17:38] | She’s in my void. | 她进入我的虚空了 |
| [17:40] | It feels–it feels weird. | 说不上来的感觉 |
| [17:41] | Yikes. Okay. | 真不爽 好吧 |
| [17:44] | Real cute, honey. Where is it? | 真会玩 东西呢 |
| [17:46] | What do you mean? It’s not in my void? | 什么意思 不在我虚空里吗 |
| [17:48] | No. | 不在 |
| [17:50] | It’s in mine. | 在我虚空里 |
| [17:52] | I feel like such a wiener hole saying this, | 我真不爱演这一段 太圣母了 |
| [17:54] | but Michael wrote a manifesto, and I read it on the toilet. | 但迈克尔写了这本书 我上厕所时看了 |
| [17:59] | I don’t have to poop. I choose to. | 我不用上大号 但我故意上大号 |
| [18:03] | Anyway, I’m with them now. | 总之 我换队友了 |
| [18:05] | Are you kidding me? | 你跟我闹呢 |
| [18:07] | Get over yourself, you dork. | 别狗血了 死老头子 |
| [18:09] | The whole system is royally effed. | 整个系统太操蛋了 |
| [18:12] | Humans suck… | 人类最差劲 |
| [18:14] | but this isn’t their fault. | 但这不是他们的错 |
| [18:15] | You read what I wrote and it got through to you? | 我写的文字 打动你了吗 |
| [18:17] | Yeah, but I also used the pages to wipe my butt, | 对 但我还用这些纸擦屁股了 |
| [18:20] | so don’t pop a stiffy just yet. | 你别这么激动了[勃起] |
| [18:22] | Okay? | 识相点 |
| [18:24] | I am so proud of you. | 你真给我争气 |
| [18:26] | I don’t care. | 我才不管你怎么想 |
| [18:27] | I think you do a little bit. | 我觉得你还是在乎啦 |
| [18:30] | – Sister hug. – Okay, get off me. | -姐妹抱 -放开我 |
| [18:33] | Listen up. | 听好了 |
| [18:34] | I made an official ruling, | 我下了正式判决 |
| [18:35] | and I am not going to see it undone by two Janets playing keep-away. | 我绝不会让两个珍妮特的塑料姐妹情坏了整件事 |
| [18:41] | I should’ve explained. | 怪我 话没说完 |
| [18:42] | It’s not two of us. | 不是只有我们俩 |
| [18:44] | It’s all of us. | 而是所有”珍妮特” |
| [18:47] | What up, nerds? | 傻子们好啊 |
| [18:48] | Eat my farts, losers. | 吃屁吧 废柴 |
| [18:49] | I am here for a certain reason and no other reasons. | 我来此只为特别原因 |
| [18:51] | What up, fart-knockers? | 衰人们好啊 |
| [18:53] | What it is? What it is? | 怎么样 怎么样 |
| [18:55] | What up, dorks? | 大家好啊 |
| [19:00] | Sent the manifesto around to all the other Janets. | 我把这本书的内容发给所有”珍妮特”了 |
| [19:03] | We have a group text now. | 我们有群聊房了 |
| [19:05] | I mostly send gifs of otters. | 我只发动画表情和水獭图 |
| [19:08] | This is so annoying! | 真是要血命了 |
| [19:13] | Okay, Janets. | “珍妮特们” |
| [19:15] | You want to do this the hard way? | 想单挑 老娘奉陪 |
| [19:17] | I am gonna search your voids one by one. | 我会一个一个搜索你们的虚空 |
| [19:21] | And then marbleize you one by one | 然后一个个把你们缩成弹珠 |
| [19:26] | until I get my stupid Earth rebooter thingy back. | 直到我找到重启控制器 |
| [19:31] | We’re not gonna be able to hold her off forever. | 我们没法拖住她太久 |
| [19:33] | We need a plan. | 要想个对策 |
| [19:34] | Okay, so what’s the plan? | 好 有什么计策 |
| [19:37] | Plan, plan, plan. | 计策 计策 |
| [19:39] | Step one, get a plan. | 首先 想个计策 |
| [19:41] | Step two, do the plan. | 其次 付诸行动 |
| [19:43] | Yeah, yeah. This is working. | 这样肯定行 |
| [19:45] | – Michael, focus. – Right, sorry. | -迈克尔 别分神 -抱歉 |
| [19:48] | All right, so if we can’t change the points, | 如果没法改变评分系统 |
| [19:51] | then maybe we can change what we do with the points. | 那可以改变怎么处理评分 |
| [19:55] | Yeah, we just need a brand new system for judging humans in the afterlife. | 只要有个全新的系统来测评”死后人类”就行了 |
| [20:00] | We can do this, right? | 我们能做到 |
| [20:01] | Yeah, but in order to crack it, | 但要想琢磨出具体做法 |
| [20:03] | I think you know what needs to happen. | 你知道怎么做吧 |
| [20:05] | There is literally only one person here | 这里就只有一个人 |
| [20:08] | who is smart enough and thoughtful enough to save humanity. | 足智多谋 运筹帷幄 能够拯救全人类 |
| [20:14] | Fine. I’ll do it. | 我就迎难而上吧 |
| [20:16] | Not you, dummy. | 说的不是你 傻子 |
| [20:17] | Designing a better afterlife is the ultimate ethical question. | 设计出一个更完善的死后世界是终极道德问题 |
| [20:21] | Chidi spent his entire existence pondering the biggest questions. | 奇迪终其一生都在探寻这个问题 |
| [20:26] | He is brilliant and empathetic. | 他颖悟绝伦 宅心仁厚 |
| [20:30] | All he cares about is how best to treat other people, | 他一心想要更好地帮助别人 |
| [20:33] | and he is willing to sacrifice his own happiness to do it. | 他甚至愿意牺牲自己的幸福拯救他人 |
| [20:36] | If we’re gonna pull this off, | 如果我们想成功 |
| [20:38] | we need Chidi back, and he needs his memories. | 必须靠奇迪 让他恢复记忆 |
| [20:42] | You wanna take the most indecisive man ever born, | 你想让这里最优柔寡断的人 |
| [20:46] | stuff full of over 800 different versions of himself, | 恢复几世轮回的记忆 |
| [20:51] | and then tell him he has, like, 45 minutes to save humanity? | 然后让他在45分钟内想出拯救人类的办法吗 |
| [20:56] | You think that will go well? | 你觉得结果会顺利吗 |
| [20:57] | I don’t know how it’s gonna go. | 我不知道结果会怎样 |
| [20:59] | But he is our only chance, | 但我们只能靠他了 |
| [21:02] | and it is now or literally never. | 再不唤醒他 就来不及了 |
| [21:04] | Wake him up. | 唤醒他 |
| [21:07] | Not in this Janet. Next. | 不在这个珍妮特里 下一个 |