| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| [00:10] | *Now you’re looking at a man that’s getting kinda mad.* | |
| [00:15] | *I had lots of luck but it’s all been bad* | |
| [00:19] | *No matter how I struggle and strive,* | |
| [00:23] | *I’ll never get out of this world alive* | |
| [00:27] | *My fishing pole’s broke, the creek is full of sand,* | |
| [00:31] | *My woman run away with another man.* | |
| [00:35] | *No matter how I struggle and strive,* | |
| [00:39] | *I’ll never get out of this world alive* | |
| [00:54] | – This– this can’t be good. – Nope. | |
| [00:56] | – Here we are again. – We’re getting fired again. | |
| [00:58] | Oh man, this stinks. | |
| [01:00] | All right, everyone, thank you for coming. | |
| [01:03] | I’m sorry it’s gonna be under such– | |
| [01:05] | such dark circumstances. | |
| [01:08] | Oh dear. | |
| [01:09] | I know the holidays are coming, | |
| [01:11] | but does anybody want to come to my birthday party?! | |
| [01:15] | – What? – It’s just a big ruse. | |
| [01:17] | I’m having a big party! | |
| [01:20] | Who wants to come to my party? | |
| [01:22] | The meanest way to | |
| [01:23] | invite people to a party I’ve ever seen. | |
| [01:24] | What have we got? We’ve got amenco dancers… | |
| [01:26] | – Ooh. – …A wild west rodeo show | |
| [01:28] | with union actors. | |
| [01:29] | – In the house? – In the hiz-ouse. | |
| [01:32] | – Nice. – Ice sculpture of me | |
| [01:34] | spouting vodka from no fewer than three mystery orifices. | |
| [01:40] | Plumbing alone on that’s gonna be impressive. | |
| [01:42] | I can send an evite if you want to invite– | |
| [01:43] | No no! Just– just the 10 of us. | |
| [01:47] | – Okay. – That’s it. | |
| [01:48] | – All right. – Sorry. | |
| [01:49] | Awkward way to end the invite. | |
| [01:53] | Would not have guessed those three orifices. | |
| [01:56] | – Mm-hmm. – It’s pretty spectacular. | |
| [01:59] | It’s impressive in its own way. | |
| [02:02] | Who’s partying, right? | |
| [02:05] | – Nobody. – Nobody’s partying here. | |
| [02:06] | Clearly, because it was a ruse | |
| [02:08] | and there’s no party. | |
| [02:09] | So many ruses. | |
| [02:10] | Why is there the ice sculpture if there’s no party? | |
| [02:13] | Well, the ice sculpture’s always here. | |
| [02:14] | They just kind of rechisel it every second morning. | |
| [02:16] | So why are we here, boss? | |
| [02:18] | Well, ready for this? | |
| [02:19] | You are all going to participate | |
| [02:21] | in an extremely dangerous and highly illegal heist! | |
| [02:28] | – That’s not good news. – A heist? | |
| [02:30] | It’s going to be like “Ocean’s Eleven.” | |
| [02:32] | – I’m Clooney. Tim, you’re Pitt, right? – Really? | |
| [02:35] | Stu, who do you want– | |
| [02:36] | Scott Caan or Casey Affleck? | |
| [02:37] | Elliott Gould. Elliott Gould. | |
| [02:39] | You want Ellio– you’re in then. | |
| [02:40] | You’re elliott Gould, bro. | |
| [02:41] | – Back up a second. – Go ahead. | |
| [02:42] | Why is Tim Brad Pitt? | |
| [02:44] | And why do you need to steal? You’re rich. | |
| [02:46] | A heist is about the thrill, | |
| [02:47] | and plus we’re going to be stealing | |
| [02:49] | something far more valuable than gold. | |
| [02:52] | Silver? | |
| [02:53] | – No, uh– – It’s less. | |
| [02:55] | – Yeah, ‘s a bit less, right? – Oh, magnesium? | |
| [02:58] | – Oh my god. – That’s a crazy second choice. | |
| [03:00] | – Teak? – Teeth? | |
| [03:02] | This could go on all night. | |
| [03:03] | – Teak. – That’s not– teak is a wood. | |
| [03:05] | We’re gonna be stealing | |
| [03:07] | my most valued object in the world– | |
| [03:10] | – Keith. – I should have seen that coming. | |
| [03:13] | My whore of an ex-wife happened to | |
| [03:14] | take Keith in the settlement, | |
| [03:16] | – and now she’s giving him away to an adoptive family. – Really? | |
| [03:19] | We’re gonna take him back. And I need you to be | |
| [03:21] | – my Pitt on this, bro. – Boss. | |
| [03:22] | I need you to be my Pitt. | |
| [03:24] | Boss, you didn’t think this through, did you? | |
| [03:26] | Listen, it’s my old apartment, | |
| [03:28] | so we’re not doing anything illegal. | |
| [03:30] | And I’ve gone the extra mile. | |
| [03:31] | I’ve flown all the way from Encino, California, | |
| [03:35] | Los Angeles screenwriter Ted Griffin, | |
| [03:37] | the author of “Ocean’s Eleven.” | |
| [03:40] | – Tell me you’re joking. – Wow. | |
| [03:42] | hey, guys. I was just shitting, | |
| [03:43] | but I got done just in time to enter. | |
| [03:46] | Our timing is already impeccable. | |
| [03:48] | Wow, that’s so– okay, well, um– | |
| [03:50] | Taking a shit? What’s going on here? | |
| [03:52] | Let’s go meet at the surveillance van. | |
| [03:54] | Right now, at 0800. | |
| [03:56] | You mean 8:00 tomorrow morning? | |
| [03:58] | No, I mean just right now. | |
| [03:59] | You know what I mean. Why are you busting my balls? | |
| [04:03] | Boss, we can’t fit 11 people in this van. | |
| [04:06] | Yeah, we absolutely can, because they did. | |
| [04:07] | It’s a minivan. | |
| [04:08] | Helen’s butt is literally in my face. | |
| [04:11] | I know, and it is filled with evil. | |
| [04:13] | – Please. Excuse me. – Exactly. | |
| [04:16] | Listen, everyone, I know it’s a little unpleasant, | |
| [04:18] | but we just– we have to make this work. | |
| [04:20] | It’s my birthday, it’s my favorite movie. | |
| [04:22] | And I want to get my dog back. | |
| [04:24] | So can we just suck it up and do– | |
| [04:25] | I don’t remember this scene. | |
| [04:26] | Oh no, there was– this was exactly– | |
| [04:28] | ask Ted. | |
| [04:30] | It didn’t happen this way in the movie. | |
| [04:32] | There were only five guys in the van. | |
| [04:33] | This scene took place in a mid-century modern living room | |
| [04:36] | with a nice bar and a pool outside. | |
| [04:38] | Let’s do that. Let’s do that. | |
| [04:39] | Ted, how much am I paying you? | |
| [04:41] | You’re paying me $250,000 for the week, plus per diem. | |
| [04:43] | Exactly, so we’re gonna do this my way. | |
| [04:45] | Interior, van! | |
| [04:47] | Helen is literally blowing ass in my face. Come on! | |
| [04:50] | She is farting. She is farting. | |
| [04:52] | Anyone in this area knows it. | |
| [04:54] | Can’t we do this outside the van? | |
| [04:56] | Ted, can you do a quick punch-up with Helen farting? | |
| [04:58] | Well, this actually goes in line with Bernie Mac. | |
| [05:00] | All right, everybody get out of the van. | |
| [05:04] | Hey, boss, do you know how long this is gonna take? | |
| [05:07] | ’cause I’d like to really get home | |
| [05:09] | and chop the old toenails. | |
| [05:10] | Me too. I don’t like dogs | |
| [05:12] | or heists or farting. | |
| [05:15] | This is like a terrible night for me. | |
| [05:17] | Sorry, but party Marty’s out of here too. | |
| [05:19] | I see no potential for intercourse here tonight. | |
| [05:22] | This is unbelievable. I’ve never been so betrayed. | |
| [05:25] | It’s like 11 Fredos here. | |
| [05:26] | Who else wants to leave? Put up your hand. | |
| [05:29] | – Right here. – Oh, come on, this is Keith. | |
| [05:32] | If you won’t do it for him, | |
| [05:33] | you know, do it for me. | |
| [05:35] | Doesn’t seem quite as sincere a plea, does it? | |
| [05:38] | You know what, guys? Let’s just do it. | |
| [05:40] | – The guy hired us back. I mean… – See? | |
| [05:42] | We kind of owe him. | |
| [05:43] | Let’s do it, guys. | |
| [05:44] | Who said that? I’m with that guy. | |
| [05:48] | Fine, if we are in, what’s the plan? | |
| [05:51] | We gotta do this tonight, because she is | |
| [05:53] | handing my pup over in the morning, okay? | |
| [05:56] | Now listen, I’m the obvious suspect, so I can’t be involved. | |
| [05:59] | I’ve gotta be across town establishing my alibi. | |
| [06:02] | So I’m going to be at the karaoke bar with Becky. | |
| [06:05] | – Why? – Why her? | |
| [06:07] | – Why me? – Well, we gotta help you– | |
| [06:09] | we’re gonna help you get over your fear of crowds | |
| [06:11] | and singing and being roofied. | |
| [06:12] | Oh. No, I don’t think so. | |
| [06:15] | No no, it’s all been– | |
| [06:16] | No, ’cause I’m gonna be in the van. | |
| [06:18] | I’m gonna be making snappy banter. | |
| [06:20] | And I’ll just be one of the guys and… | |
| [06:21] | Actually, it can’t– | |
| [06:23] | – Becky, it has to be you. – It has to be you. | |
| [06:25] | – Everybody has a talent and a task and a weakness. – Right. | |
| [06:28] | And if it’s not you, then I have to restructure everybody else. | |
| [06:30] | So listen, we gotta get out of here. | |
| [06:32] | Ted’s gonna walk you through the plan. | |
| [06:33] | – Just remember the most important thing. – What is it? | |
| [06:36] | No food or drink in the van. It’s a rental. | |
| [06:38] | Let’s go,Becky. | |
| [06:40] | Those are not inspiring parting words. | |
| [06:42] | – No. Ted, this– – First of all, I didn’t– | |
| [06:44] | I didn’t write any of that– that speech. | |
| [06:47] | This heist does not seem well-planned. | |
| [06:49] | He’s paying you to do this? | |
| [06:50] | Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t recognize you. | |
| [06:52] | You’re the guy who wrote “Heist,” Right? | |
| [06:54] | Oh, no, you’re the guy who wrote “The Italian Job.” | |
| [06:56] | – I– – Oh, wait a minute. | |
| [06:57] | Now I know. You’re the guy who wrote nothing. | |
| [06:59] | I’m Ted Griffin, the writer of “Ocean’s eleven,” | |
| [07:02] | So I know what the fuck I’m doing. | |
| [07:03] | Wow, awkward heist. | |
| [07:05] | I’m… I’m sorry. This is… I apologize. | |
| [07:07] | I got off on the wrong foot. This is a heist. It’s a caper. | |
| [07:10] | It should be bouncy and buoyant and… | |
| [07:12] | let’s just have a good time, can we? | |
| [07:13] | – Okay. – Light-hearted. | |
| [07:15] | All right, now imagine the greatest montage of your life. | |
| [07:20] | Stan will steal the video feed | |
| [07:22] | from the building’s security cameras. | |
| [07:24] | He’ll also confront a lifelong fear of small spaces. | |
| [07:27] | The building has 24 hour security. | |
| [07:29] | So we need distraction. Marie, that’s your job. | |
| [07:33] | I’m lost, but I’m betting you can find what exactly I’m looking for. | |
| [07:40] | We can’t access the elevator without a swipe key– | |
| [07:42] | A c.R.M.114. | |
| [07:47] | There’s a custodial crew making the rounds at night, | |
| [07:49] | and they’ve got one weakness… | |
| [07:51] | beef stroganoff. | |
| [07:53] | Oye, estamos limpiando esta noche. | |
| [07:55] | Llamas a tu jefe si quieres, ok? | |
| [07:59] | S, tiene esta noche libre. Vete ahora, puto. | |
| [08:04] | Once inside, you need only to charm the pooch, | |
| [08:07] | Which is also a euphemism, | |
| [08:08] | but I mean it literally this time. | |
| [08:10] | After you’ve taken possession of the dog, | |
| [08:12] | you need only to rendezvous with your teammates | |
| [08:14] | and make the final drop-off. | |
| [08:16] | Then finally, | |
| [08:18] | erase all traces of the crime. | |
| [08:25] | What the fuck was that last part? | |
| [08:27] | – Yeah, no one’s killing anyone. – Okay, scratch that. | |
| [08:30] | Some people won’t do nude. Some people won’t kill each other. | |
| [08:32] | Ted, all due respect, | |
| [08:34] | this plan is impossible for this group to pull off. | |
| [08:36] | You guys need to trust me. Are you in or out? | |
| [08:39] | I was kind of out until you said, | |
| [08:41] | “Are you in or are you out?” And now I’m in. | |
| [08:44] | – Now you’re in? – Yeah. | |
| [08:45] | That was very heist like– “Are you in or are you out?” | |
| [08:48] | And I’m like, “I’m buying it, dude. I’m in.” | |
| [08:50] | All right, we’re in. Hands in. | |
| [08:51] | I’m in. I’m in. | |
| [08:52] | We’re in. | |
| [08:53] | Whose hand is on top of mine? | |
| [08:55] | – That’s me. – It’s very smooth. | |
| [08:58] | Okay, this is the A team here. | |
| [09:00] | – Here we go. – Marie, you know what to do, right? | |
| [09:02] | I will distract him with some type of sexual overture. | |
| [09:05] | – Nice. – Including, but not limited to | |
| [09:07] | tongue in mouth, tongue in ear, hand on buttock. | |
| [09:11] | she is not a sexy woman. | |
| [09:13] | De-bonered. | |
| [09:16] | Evening, ma’am. How can I help you? | |
| [09:19] | I’m lost. Would you like a blowjob? | |
| [09:21] | What? What? | |
| [09:22] | Your dong, my mouth, right now. | |
| [09:26] | My heart. | |
| [09:27] | – No, not your heart, a dong. – No no. | |
| [09:29] | I’m not gonna give you a heart job. | |
| [09:32] | Now this is why you can’t give an old man a blowjob. | |
| [09:34] | They either can’t get it up or they die. | |
| [09:38] | – Marie, what was that? – What was wrong? | |
| [09:41] | – What was wrong? – You were supposed to flirt with him. | |
| [09:43] | – I did. – You said, “Your dong, my mouth.” | |
| [09:46] | That’s flirting, Stu. | |
| [09:47] | That made me softer than a bowl of jell-o. | |
| [09:50] | We don’t need to rehash this. | |
| [09:51] | The plan is completely off rails. | |
| [09:53] | – No, it’s good. – No no no. | |
| [09:54] | It’s “Ocean’s twelve” is what this is. | |
| [09:57] | Let’s dump the old man in the river and be done. | |
| [09:58] | Dump him? No, he’s alive. | |
| [10:00] | Where’d that sweet dong lady go? | |
| [10:02] | Tell her I said yes. | |
| [10:05] | Helen, can you take him to the hospital? | |
| [10:06] | I’ll go. Oh, but I can’t drive. | |
| [10:08] | You can’t drive the car. Great. | |
| [10:10] | Yeah, but you can power the car with your farts. | |
| [10:12] | You gotta let that go at some point. | |
| [10:13] | Stan’s gonna take her in the van. | |
| [10:15] | Ted, relax. Marie, shut up. | |
| [10:17] | Tim’s in control. The rest of us will do the heist. | |
| [10:20] | – A four-person heist? – Why not? | |
| [10:22] | Show me the poster. That’s got no foreign value whatsoever. | |
| [10:25] | I’m out of here. | |
| [10:26] | – I’m out too. – You’re leaving the heist? | |
| [10:29] | The old man got me kind going sexually, | |
| [10:32] | and I want to get home and watch a little porn. | |
| [10:34] | I’m out. | |
| [10:35] | Pretty classy, almost like the dialogue | |
| [10:37] | was written for Julia Roberts herself. | |
| [10:41] | There was something going on. | |
| [10:46] | Are you ready? Here we go. This is us together. | |
| [10:48] | You did something…Becky, you’re not singing. | |
| [10:50] | Why are you–? You’re supposed to be– Becky, it’s a duet. | |
| [10:52] | – I can’t. I won’t. – No, it’s a beautif– | |
| [10:54] | No, I’m sorry. I can’t sing | |
| [10:56] | these beautiful, romantic words | |
| [10:58] | looking into your eyes, and singing that to you. | |
| [11:01] | That’s the purpose of it though, Becky. | |
| [11:02] | Without you I can’t sing the so– | |
| [11:04] | I can’t say lines like– like… | |
| [11:07] | Tender love is blind. | |
| [11:09] | It requires a dedication… | |
| [11:12] | See, I can’t do it. Well, I could, | |
| [11:14] | but it doesn’t have the same feeling. | |
| [11:16] | Islands in the stream… | |
| [11:21] | How are we supposed to get up there now? | |
| [11:22] | Marie never got the passkey. | |
| [11:24] | Easy. While the security guard was laying and dying, | |
| [11:27] | I stayed cool and I swiped these. | |
| [11:29] | – Whoa. – Oh, look at you. | |
| [11:31] | That’s why they call me Brad Pitt. | |
| [11:33] | Way to stay alert and not be distracted by compassion or empathy. | |
| [11:36] | Well, yeah, I mean, way to be handsome, right? | |
| [11:39] | – Huh? – You’re joking, right? | |
| [11:41] | I’m the Brad Pitt because of my looks. | |
| [11:42] | – Oh, no no. – My tight body and my good looks. | |
| [11:45] | – No, not at all. – Nope. | |
| [11:47] | Honestly, how do you view yourself? | |
| [11:49] | Extremely good-looking, great personality | |
| [11:52] | and cool under pressure. | |
| [11:53] | Wow, we do not give you enough feedback, my friend. | |
| [11:59] | – Keith. – Keith. | |
| [12:01] | Keith, you want some beggin’ strips, buddy? | |
| [12:03] | They’re like bacon, but they’re for doggies. Oh. | |
| [12:07] | – Is that him? – Rodney: I think that’s him. | |
| [12:09] | All right, you know what? Who’s good at tiptoeing? | |
| [12:11] | – I am. – Stu. | |
| [12:12] | – I am. – Stu’s good. | |
| [12:14] | I sneak into people’s houses all the time. | |
| [12:16] | – I don’t have cable. – All right. | |
| [12:18] | Shh. Cover me. | |
| [12:19] | He is surprisingly graceful. | |
| [12:21] | I told you. | |
| [12:23] | It’s weird to look at, but– | |
| [12:25] | – Look at how good he is. – It’s impressive. | |
| [12:30] | Well, everybody, she’s nervous, but still | |
| [12:32] | it’s great to be here with my coworker Becky at 9:12 p.M. | |
| [12:35] | on a Sunday night with all you beautiful witnesses. | |
| [12:39] | We can ride it together. | |
| [12:43] | Making love with each other… | |
| [12:48] | Islands in the stream… | |
| [12:50] | Come on, at least scat with me. | |
| [12:52] | Of all things, I will not do that. | |
| [12:55] | Why not? From one lover to another. | |
| [12:58] | I’m gonna be looking over here. | |
| [13:00] | I will sing to the back of your head | |
| [13:01] | – with all the romance I can muster. – Okay. | |
| [13:06] | Baryshnikov, buddy. | |
| [13:08] | – Guys, I got him. Wait. – Tim: You got him? | |
| [13:10] | – There’s a problem. – What’s wrong? | |
| [13:12] | – This isn’t Keith, guys. – It’s not Keith? | |
| [13:13] | – How do you know? – ’cause Keith is a dog | |
| [13:15] | and this is a stuffed koala bear from f.A.O. Schwarz. | |
| [13:17] | Stuffed koala bear? | |
| [13:20] | – Whoa. – Hit the lights, Rod. | |
| [13:21] | – I think it’s a gund. – Ooh, good brand. | |
| [13:25] | Oh wait, there’s a note to the boss. | |
| [13:26] | “I know you too well. | |
| [13:28] | I assumed you would attempt an ‘ocean’s 11’ style heist | |
| [13:30] | to get Keith back, so I took him to my sister’s until morning. | |
| [13:33] | Nice try… Jackass!” | |
| [13:36] | Oh man, that’s disappointing. | |
| [13:38] | Well, not a total loss. | |
| [13:39] | Right, I mean it is a gund. | |
| [13:41] | And we got these beggin’ strips. | |
| [13:47] | – Hey, boss. – What’s up? | |
| [13:49] | Listen, I don’t know what to say. | |
| [13:51] | You probably know already, but the heist was a flop. | |
| [13:54] | So I mean what are we– | |
| [13:55] | We didn’t get Keith back, sir. | |
| [13:57] | Oh, you don’t– are you not– what are you– | |
| [13:59] | Are you referring to this kKeith? | |
| [14:01] | Oh my god. | |
| [14:03] | Oh my god. What’s going on here? | |
| [14:04] | Listen, I knew my wife would expect me to try | |
| [14:07] | Some kind of zany “Ocean’s eleven” Type heist. | |
| [14:10] | She expected you to pull off a heist? | |
| [14:12] | Oh, that bitch knows my taste in film. | |
| [14:15] | I would have rather an “Italian job” Heist, | |
| [14:16] | But that’s just– I’m a– I’m a wahlberg guy. | |
| [14:20] | Close your eyes and and get ready for a fast-paced montage. | |
| [14:23] | Okay. | |
| [14:24] | Okay, the lens is getting all watery. | |
| [14:26] | And we’re in. | |
| [14:27] | I figured if she thought she’d beaten me, | |
| [14:30] | she’d let her guard down. | |
| [14:31] | I also knew that she didn’t care enough about Keith | |
| [14:33] | to interview the adoptive family, | |
| [14:34] | So I had sweet party Marty and the female Rodney | |
| [14:37] | pose as the couple, arrive early and pick him up. | |
| [14:40] | And that, as they say in “Ocean’s eleven,” Is that. | |
| [14:45] | Yeah, nobody said that in “Ocean’s eleven.” | |
| [14:46] | – Maybe they did. – But wait, | |
| [14:48] | why couldn’t you just have done that last part | |
| [14:50] | and skipped the elaborate fake heist? | |
| [14:53] | Not done the– just gone right to the– | |
| [14:55] | Not done everything that risked everyone’s life. | |
| [14:56] | Yeah. | |
| [15:00] | Yeah, I mean okay, could have done that, right? | |
| [15:02] | But the problem was I was | |
| [15:03] | paying Ted Griffin a quarter mil to consult, | |
| [15:05] | and, you know, he felt | |
| [15:06] | very strongly that we needed this fake heist | |
| [15:08] | just to kind of fill out the second act. | |
| [15:11] | God, it’s a stupid plan. | |
| [15:14] | Ted Griffin really fucked us. | |
| [15:29] | – I have never seen you drive a car. – Don’t start with me. | |
| [15:32] | – You kind of drive like my grandma. – Holy shit. | |
| [15:35] | I mean, you look so awkward. | |
| [15:37] | I’ve seen your grandmother drive. | |
| [15:39] | She actually looks very confident and in control. | |
| [15:51] | Yeah, what is the deal with Stu’s new girlfriend? | |
| [15:53] | Her name is Gladys. They’ve only gone out once or twice. | |
| [16:02] | Kind of a perfect couple. | |
| [16:08] | Hello. Welcome. We’ve been expecting you. | |
| [16:10] | Make yourselves at home. You must be Tim. | |
| [16:13] | Me? No, I’m Stuballs. | |
| [16:16] | – Stuballs? – Yeah. | |
| [16:17] | And this is my lady-friend Gladys. | |
| [16:20] | – This is the girl I used to fantasize about– Amy. – Stop. | |
| [16:23] | And the gentleman right over there with the credit card is Tim. | |
| [16:28] | – A wonderful introduction. – Yes. | |
| [16:31] | I just want to say you have a beautiful home. | |
| [16:34] | – Oh, thank you. – That’s very nice. | |
| [16:36] | So what’s on the agenda? What do you got to do here? | |
| [16:38] | Do? Well, the leaves are changing colors. | |
| [16:43] | The leaves? What do I do? | |
| [16:45] | What do you do while the leaves are changing? | |
| [16:48] | Honey, you look at it. | |
| [16:51] | You look at it, honey? | |
| [16:52] | Nothing is expected of you really. | |
| [16:55] | It’s a fall foliage tour. | |
| [16:57] | Oh, I’m sorry. | |
| [16:58] | Dorothy used to call it “Fallage.” | |
| [17:04] | – That’s funny. – I don’t get it. | |
| [17:05] | Because the leaves are falling and it is fall and– | |
| [17:08] | Let’s get some rest. There seems to be a bit of misunderstanding | |
| [17:11] | and tension in the room. | |
| [17:12] | Let’s attack this thing with a fresh mind and fresh eyes. | |
| [17:16] | Sounds like fun. | |
| [17:19] | Now look at the spectrum of colors | |
| [17:21] | on this maple tree here– | |
| [17:24] | Mauve, umber, | |
| [17:27] | goldenrod, lilac. | |
| [17:29] | Ah, ochre. | |
| [17:32] | – Is he gonna name every color… – Tim. | |
| [17:34] | – …on the planet? – Stop. | |
| [17:35] | Does anyone see colors I’m missing? | |
| [17:37] | Excuse me. | |
| [17:38] | Ah, I see a hand. | |
| [17:39] | Tim, what color do you see in the leaves? | |
| [17:42] | Oh no, I don’t see– | |
| [17:44] | I need to– I need to take a piss. | |
| [17:45] | – All right. – Oh jeez. | |
| [17:47] | It’s fine. The lodge is 200 yards back up the hill. | |
| [17:51] | – We’ll just wait. – Thank you. | |
| [17:52] | And for the record, I do see shades of cyan in the leaves. | |
| [17:55] | That is a lie. | |
| [17:57] | There is no color in that tree | |
| [17:58] | that even resembles cyan. | |
| [18:01] | Just trying to participate. | |
| [18:03] | He got that from printer cartridges. | |
| [18:05] | That’s how he got that color. | |
| [18:09] | 200 yards up the hill? | |
| [18:10] | That is not gonna happen. | |
| [18:15] | Oh, good heavens, this is not happening. | |
| [18:17] | – Oh hey. – Are you urinating on that tree? | |
| [18:20] | I don’t want to keep everyone waiting. | |
| [18:21] | I’m just being considerate. | |
| [18:24] | Let me ask you something: | |
| [18:24] | Are you going to keep urinating as I talk to you? | |
| [18:28] | – Can I? – Tim! | |
| [18:30] | – Oh my god. – Tim. | |
| [18:31] | Young man, I demand that you retract your penis | |
| [18:33] | and stop defiling my trees. | |
| [18:35] | – Retract my penis? – Retract it immediately. | |
| [18:38] | I’m begging you give me 10 more seconds. | |
| [18:39] | No, just do it. Do what he says. | |
| [18:40] | Reel in the line, Tim. Reel it in. | |
| [18:42] | Tim, retract your penis. | |
| [18:45] | – Five more seconds. – Are you kidding? | |
| [18:48] | – What kind of joke would this be? – How can you not stop? | |
| [18:50] | Can’t you just close the spigot, Tim? | |
| [18:51] | All right, there we go. All done. | |
| [18:53] | – Nature’s business, right? – Well, finally. | |
| [18:55] | Tim, I’m sorry, there’s no going on with the tour. | |
| [18:58] | I have no choice but to ban you from all leaf-related activities. | |
| [19:01] | – Banned? Aww. – This is not happening. | |
| [19:04] | Please don’t. | |
| [19:04] | Tim, leave. | |
| [19:09] | Yes, that was a pun. | |
| [19:11] | – Oh. – I’m trying to maintain… | |
| [19:12] | – Oh my god. – …some levity here as I ban you. | |
| [19:13] | You are a hero. You are a hero, sir. | |
| [19:20] | – Tim. – Oh hey. | |
| [19:21] | – What are you doing back? – Oh, I got banned. | |
| [19:24] | – Banned? – A lifetime ban. | |
| [19:26] | – Why? – Taking a leak. | |
| [19:28] | – Oh Tim, you didn’t. – I did. | |
| [19:30] | – Oh Tim. – Whipped it out and went crazy. | |
| [19:33] | You know what? Let’s don’t worry about it. | |
| [19:35] | You and I together– we can have our own fun. | |
| [19:38] | We don’t need them, right? | |
| [19:40] | I guess not. What do we do? | |
| [19:41] | – We can have a blast. – Really? | |
| [19:43] | We can have a ball. | |
| [19:45] | All right, that’s great. | |
| [19:46] | You’re my guest and it’s gonna be my pleasure | |
| [19:47] | to make sure you leave here highly satisfied. | |
| [19:51] | Do you understand what I’m saying, Tim? | |
| [19:53] | I think so. | |
| [19:55] | No. | |
| [19:56] | Oh, get over here. Come over here. | |
| [19:58] | Let’s hang out. Let’s hang out. | |
| [19:59] | All right. | |
| [20:01] | What do you– what do you have in mind? | |
| [20:02] | I think we could start with a little treat. | |
| [20:06] | Okay. | |
| [20:07] | How would you like to taste my peach cobbler? | |
| [20:10] | Would you like that? | |
| [20:11] | That got weird pretty fast. | |
| [20:13] | Mm mm, num num. You’re gonna love it. | |
| [20:15] | This is where things go wrong for me. | |
| [20:17] | I appreciate it. You’re a great lady. | |
| [20:18] | No one needs to know. It’ll be a special little treat | |
| [20:22] | – and secret among the two of us. – Oh my god, Dorothy. | |
| [20:24] | – You’re a crazy lady. – You bet I’m crazy. | |
| [20:27] | Oh my god. All right, you know what? | |
| [20:29] | – Crazy fun. – This day is getting– | |
| [20:30] | – That’s what I am– crazy fun. – Oh, Doro– | |
| [20:32] | Come on, man, loosen up. Get a grip here. | |
| [20:35] | Oh, I’m too tight. | |
| [20:36] | It’s just a special little treat for you. | |
| [20:39] | You make it sod very quaint, | |
| [20:40] | but that’s crazy. | |
| [20:43] | I’m gonna say no. | |
| [20:44] | Okay, fine. You sound like judd. | |
| [20:47] | Appreciate the offer. | |
| [20:48] | He’s never in the mood to eat my cobbler either. | |
| [20:49] | Oh my god. You gotta stop saying that. | |
| [20:51] | All right, I’ll see you later. | |
| [20:52] | Very weird talk. | |
| [20:56] | Hey there, girl. | |
| [20:58] | You are dead to me right now. | |
| [21:00] | All right. Hey, Judd, what are you reading there? | |
| [21:02] | Oh, it’s interesting you ask. | |
| [21:04] | It’s a poem called “Deciduous tree.” | |
| [21:07] | – Sounds pretty great. – It is. | |
| [21:09] | Why don’t I read it aloud to the group? | |
| [21:11] | Oh no, it’s o– I was just making small talk. | |
| [21:12] | No no. This is a great idea. | |
| [21:15] | Yes, it is. This’ll be fun. | |
| [21:17] | Let’s all huddle around. | |
| [21:18] | Let’s all– let’s all sit in our own chairs. | |
| [21:22] | “Oh, deciduous tree, | |
| [21:25] | the winter again approaches | |
| [21:28] | and with each day | |
| [21:30] | your quietus encroaches.” | |
| [21:32] | Oh yeah, you want to get stu’d? | |
| [21:34] | Oh, I want that goo from stu. | |
| [21:37] | “With a touch of frost, | |
| [21:39] | your leaves, they fall | |
| [21:41] | to the ground. I hear their call.” | |
| [21:44] | – Oh, you want me to twist that nip? – Ow! | |
| [21:46] | – You want me to twist it? – Ow! | |
| [21:48] | “But summer, she is short.” | |
| [21:51] | Yeah, my nipple’s been bad. | |
| [21:53] | “And autumn…” | |
| [21:55] | Dorothy? | |
| [21:56] | “…Returns anew.” | |
| [21:58] | “And your leaves, which once were plenty, | |
| [22:02] | – Are once again…” – “…Just few.” | |
| [22:04] | Oh, I’m gonna leave my mark. Oh god. | |
| [22:07] | Mark of the beast, mark of the beast. | |
| [22:09] | Okay, this is awkward. | |
| [22:10] | Tim, please don’t interrupt the reading. | |
| [22:12] | You’re mad at me, but you’re not mad | |
| [22:13] | at the crazy screwing going on? | |
| [22:15] | Please mind your manners. | |
| [22:17] | Your use of the word “Screwing” | |
| [22:18] | in mixed company is in extremely poor taste. | |
| [22:21] | My apologies, Dorothy. | |
| [22:22] | You know what? I’m gonna go back to my room. | |
| [22:24] | You’re sleeping on the floor. | |
| [22:25] | – That’s where I sleep. – And for everyone’s information, | |
| [22:28] | there are lavatories on every floor. | |
| [22:31] | I’m not gonna piss in the hall, | |
| [22:33] | if that’s what you’re worried about. | |
| [22:33] | Thank you. | |
| [22:36] | Oh god. Oh god. | |
| [22:40] | Hey, what can I do you for? | |
| [22:42] | Hey, I’m tim. | |
| [22:44] | That’s– that’s great, man. That’s really great. | |
| [22:47] | Do you want to eat food | |
| [22:48] | or do you want to just introduce yourself | |
| [22:50] | in every restaurant in the neighborhood? | |
| [22:51] | I just want to get some breakfast | |
| [22:52] | and maybe a souvenir for my girlfriend. | |
| [22:54] | Oh, just on a– on a little vacation, huh? | |
| [22:57] | Where are you staying? | |
| [22:57] | Oh yeah, we’re staying at that maplewood falls place. | |
| [23:01] | Oh, you’re staying at the maplewood falls lodge? | |
| [23:03] | It’s pretty nice. | |
| [23:03] | You gotta get out of there. Those people are messed up. | |
| [23:06] | – Messed up? – They have repeatedly been accused | |
| [23:08] | – of ting their guests having sex. – Shut up. | |
| [23:10] | – No, seriously. – No way. | |
| [23:11] | People all over vermont masturbate to these tapes. | |
| [23:14] | – What? – Every third person, I think. | |
| [23:16] | It’s the highest distributorship in vermont porn. | |
| [23:18] | How would they even do that? | |
| [23:19] | Well, they just put them on the internet and you order them. | |
| [23:22] | No, how do they– that’s ridic– | |
| [23:23] | You mail order your porn off the internet here in vermont. | |
| [23:25] | Don’t make fun of how we consume pornography in vermont. | |
| [23:28] | It’s not small time. | |
| [23:29] | It’s not quaint. | |
| [23:30] | I just can’t picture them taping people. | |
| [23:31] | They have cameras in the walls behind the paintings. | |
| [23:34] | Check for yourself. It’s like a scooby-doo cartoon. | |
| [23:36] | Oh, but listen to me carrying on. | |
| [23:38] | How do you want your eggs– runny or wet? | |
| [23:42] | All right, here goes nothin’. | |
| [23:54] | You sick, foliage-loving sons of bitches. | |
| [23:59] | – Stu? What are you doing back here? – Oh, I just ran back. | |
| [24:01] | I had to use the bathroom. I didn’t want to pull a Tim. | |
| [24:04] | – Smart. Smart play. – Yeah. | |
| [24:06] | – Listen. – Oh, what’s up? | |
| [24:07] | These innkeepers– they’re perverts. | |
| [24:09] | They film their guests having sex. | |
| [24:11] | How do you know that? | |
| [24:12] | – A guy named rick at the diner… – Okay. | |
| [24:14] | – …Said it. – All right, the story stands up. | |
| [24:17] | And he said it’s on yelp. | |
| [24:18] | And then I found holes in the walls. | |
| [24:20] | They– they got holes in the walls. | |
| [24:21] | So what do you– so what do you care? | |
| [24:23] | – They’re taping it. – So? | |
| [24:24] | – They got you and Gladys on tape. – Great. | |
| [24:27] | – Me having killer sex on the internet? – Oh my god. | |
| [24:29] | Absolutely. I fit that woman’s hand in my mouth. | |
| [24:32] | You don’t care if anyone sees that? | |
| [24:33] | No. What are you worried about anyway? | |
| [24:36] | It’s not like you and Amy are doing anything. | |
| [24:39] | – Well… – What does that mean? | |
| [24:42] | I can’t even remember. | |
| [24:43] | I might have masturbated | |
| [24:44] | to a foliage tourism video hosted by Susan Saint James. | |
| [24:48] | You might not remember exactly? | |
| [24:49] | I can’t even remember. | |
| [24:50] | I think you remember very clearly, Tim. | |
| [24:53] | Oh man. | |
| [24:54] | Anyway, listen, we gotta get the tapes– me and you. | |
| [24:56] | I’m already having sex this weekend, | |
| [24:57] | so I have literally nothing to gain. | |
| [24:59] | – You’re not gonna help me? – Absolutely not. | |
| [25:01] | You do what you want. I’m gonna get the videos. | |
| [25:03] | All right, I’m gonna go to the bathroom and pull a Tim. | |
| [25:05] | Enough with the “Pulling a tim” already. | |
| [25:11] | All right, let’s find these videos. | |
| [25:13] | This is ridiculous. | |
| [25:15] | Can I help you, Tim? | |
| [25:16] | I’ve got a bad feeling Judd’s over my shoulder. | |
| [25:19] | Oh my god, what’s everyone doing back? | |
| [25:20] | Well, it would seem that it started to rain, | |
| [25:23] | so we had to cut the tour short. | |
| [25:24] | Now could you please tell us what you were doing here? | |
| [25:28] | Just crouching, going through your things. | |
| [25:30] | Good heavens, you’re not urinating again? | |
| [25:32] | You know what? I’ve got no choice here. | |
| [25:33] | It’s all out in the open. Amy, guys, | |
| [25:36] | This is a family of pornographers. | |
| [25:38] | They tape their guests having sex. | |
| [25:40] | Why would you say such a thing? That’s crazy. | |
| [25:44] | – Dorothy, don’t act so innocent. – What? | |
| [25:45] | She’s been coming onto me all weekend with double entendres. | |
| [25:48] | What in heaven’s name are you talking about? | |
| [25:50] | Are you gonna make me say it out loud? | |
| [25:53] | She asked me to taste her peach cobbler. | |
| [25:55] | How fucking sick is that? | |
| [25:57] | -What? – So? | |
| [25:59] | What– what did you think I meant? | |
| [26:01] | Yes, what did you think she meant by peach cobbler? | |
| [26:07] | Pussy? | |
| [26:08] | Pussy? | |
| [26:10] | – Oh my god. – I’m gonna make believe I didn’t hear that. | |
| [26:16] | I’m confused. You’re not filming your guests? | |
| [26:18] | Absolutely not. | |
| [26:20] | The waiter at the diner said it’s well-documented. | |
| [26:23] | Oh, I see the confusion. | |
| [26:26] | He meant the Maplewood falls motel. | |
| [26:29] | Those people are messed up. Everyone knows it. | |
| [26:33] | Mo– motel? This isn’t the motel? | |
| [26:35] | Tim, this is not the motel. This is the lodge. | |
| [26:38] | Whoops. But what about the holes in the wall? | |
| [26:41] | There’s holes in the walls. | |
| [26:42] | – Sicko. – The wood in these walls | |
| [26:44] | is antique unfinished maple | |
| [26:47] | from trees chopped by Thomas Chittenden himself. | |
| [26:51] | Thomas chittenden fucked me. | |
| [26:52] | Those holes are from the natural knots in the wood. | |
| [26:55] | They’re not for making pornos. | |
| [26:59] | You know what? Now that we’re all chuckling | |
| [27:00] | and getting along so well… | |
| [27:03] | I’ve already been banned. How much worse can it get, right? | |
| [27:05] | I’ll tell you how much worse it can get. | |
| [27:07] | We can ask you to leave. | |
| [27:08] | And yes, that is both literal | |
| [27:11] | and a play on the word “Leaf.” | |
| [27:15] | You’ve still got it, judd. | |
| [27:18] | These shabby shoes I’m wearin’ all the time | |
| [27:22] | Is full of holes and nails | |
| [27:26] | And,brother,if I stepped on a worn out time | |
| [27:30] | I bet a nickel I could tell you if it was heads or tails | |
| [27:35] | I’m not gonna worry wrinkles in my brow | |
| [27:39] | ’cause nothing’s ever gonna be alright nohow | |
| [27:43] | No matter how I struggle and strive | |
| [27:47] | I’ll never get out of this world alive |