| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| [00:00] | Previously, on Two And A Half Men | 《好汉两个半》前情回顾 |
| [00:03] | H-Hello? | 你们好啊 |
| [00:04] | Hey, Dad. Uh, this is my girlfriend, Tammy. | 老爸 这是我女朋友 泰咪 |
| [00:06] | Uh, Tammy, this is my dad Alan. | 泰咪 这是我老爸 艾伦 |
| [00:08] | It’s a pleasure to meet you. | 很荣幸见到你 |
| [00:09] | How’d you two meet? | 你们俩怎么认识的呢 |
| [00:10] | A couple of us guys from the base went out drinking, | 我们基地几个人一起去喝酒 |
| [00:12] | and they bet me a hundred bucks | 他们赌100块 |
| [00:14] | that I wouldn’t get this tattoo of two arms | 赌我不敢在屁股沟那里 |
| [00:15] | coming out of my butt crack. | 纹两条手臂 |
| [00:16] | Oh, Jake, you didn’t. | 杰克 你没纹吧 |
| [00:17] | No, Tammy wouldn’t let me. | 没 泰咪不答应 |
| [00:19] | Thank you for that. | 太多谢你了 |
| [00:20] | I took one look at his ass and I thought, | 我看了眼他的屁股沟 我就想 |
| [00:22] | I don’t want to tattoo that, | 我才不要帮他在这里纹 |
| [00:23] | I want to bite that. | 我要咬一口 |
| [00:25] | She’s old enough to have you as her kid. | 她岁数那么大 都可以收你当儿子了 |
| [00:27] | So what? You are, too. | 那又怎么样 你也收我当儿子了 |
| [00:28] | I-I don’t understand why you’re with Jake. | 我只是不明白你为什么要跟杰克在一起 |
| [00:30] | The bottom line is, I think your son is terrific. | 最重要的是 我觉得你的儿子很棒 |
| [00:33] | And I know what we have isn’t gonna last forever, | 我知道我们的感情不会永久 |
| [00:35] | but it’s what I want in my life right now. | 但这正是我目前想要的生活 |
| [00:37] | And I don’t know when the last time you had sex | 我不知道你最后一次跟一个19岁的男孩 |
| [00:39] | with a 19-year-old boy was, but it is a lot of fun. | 做爱是什么时候 但确实很欢乐 |
| [00:47] | What a nice surprise | 你回家来 |
| [00:48] | to have you home for the weekend. | 过周末真是太好了 |
| [00:50] | Well, it’s good to be home. | 是啊 回家感觉很棒 |
| [00:51] | Okay. I hate to be the one to break up this happy reunion, | 我很不想打断你们父子情深的见面时刻 |
| [00:56] | but you both do realize this is not your home. | 但你们俩都知道这不是你们的家吧 |
| [01:01] | He’s cute. | 他真可爱 |
| [01:03] | He really is, though. | 真的是呢 |
| [01:05] | So, uh, so what’s going on? | 最近怎么样啦 |
| [01:06] | Anything new in the Army? | 军中有什么事吗 |
| [01:07] | Oh, did I tell you I got promoted? | 我有告诉你我升官了吗 |
| [01:08] | I’m in charge of three other guys in the kitchen now. | 我现在在军伙房里管理另外三个人呢 |
| [01:10] | My son the leader. | 我儿都当领导啦 |
| [01:12] | Yeah, it’s awesome. | 是啊 爽爆了 |
| [01:13] | They have to do whatever I say. | 我说啥他们都得干 |
| [01:15] | I made this one guy chug a tray of hot dog water. | 我让其中一个人喝了一托盘的热狗余水 |
| [01:19] | Uh, why would you do that? | 你为啥叫人家这样 |
| [01:20] | It’s called earning respect, Dad. | 让他赚取尊重啊 老爸 |
| [01:22] | I-I don’t understand. | 我不懂 |
| [01:24] | Which part? Earning or respect? | 哪部分 赚取还是尊重啊 |
| [01:27] | Bazinga. | 逗你玩 |
| [01:32] | Uh, it’s from a TV show. | 我从电视剧上学的[生活大爆炸] |
| [01:35] | So, uh, how are things with you and Tammy? | 你跟泰咪最近如何了 |
| [01:37] | Actually, we broke up. | 其实我们分手了 |
| [01:40] | Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. What happened? | 那真是太可惜了 怎么回事 |
| [01:41] | We just decided it wasn’t gonna work out. | 我们觉得我俩合不来 |
| [01:43] | We had unrecognizable differences. | 我们有无法言喻的分歧 |
| [01:46] | Uh, u-unrecognizable differences? | 什么是无法言喻的分歧 |
| [01:48] | Yeah, you know, when you can’t see what the problem is, | 就是你们说不上问题在哪 |
| [01:51] | but you just have to break up anyway. | 但是唯有分手才能解决 |
| [01:55] | Somehow that actually makes sense. | 这话居然说得挺有道理 |
| [01:58] | So, are you doing okay? | 那你还好吧 |
| [01:59] | I know breakups can be hard. | 分手总是很伤心 |
| [02:01] | Yeah, it actually helps to focus on my career. | 分手了让我更专注于事业了 |
| [02:04] | Get this– one time I made the guys | 有一次我叫我的手下 |
| [02:06] | stick their things in pudding. | 把那话儿插进布丁里了 |
| [02:12] | They must respect you so much. | 他们肯定超尊重你啊 |
| [02:18] | Tammy. | 泰咪 |
| [02:18] | Where the hell is he?! | 那混球在哪 |
| [02:20] | I assume that you’re talking… | 我猜你是指… |
| [02:22] | Jake! | 杰克 |
| [02:24] | Get back here, you son of a bitch! | 你给我滚过来 你个王八蛋 |
| [02:26] | I am gonna kill you! | 老娘宰了你 |
| [02:35] | I sense that he didn’t tell us everything. | 我猜他没把事情和盘托出 |
| [03:12] | Let… let go of me! | 放 放开我 |
| [03:13] | – Am I hurting you? – No. | -我弄疼你了吗 -没有 |
| [03:14] | How about now? | 那现在疼了吗 |
| [03:17] | Wait, what-what the hell is going on? | 你们这到底是怎么回事 |
| [03:18] | Tell them. | 跟他们说啊 |
| [03:20] | Um, I broke up with Tammy to see another girl. | 我跟泰咪分手去泡别的女孩子了 |
| [03:23] | Oh, well, you know, | 是这样的 |
| [03:24] | sometimes relationships run their course… | 有时候感情会碰上… |
| [03:25] | Tell them who it was. | 告诉他们去泡谁了 |
| [03:27] | I don’t think they really… | 他们应该不会想… |
| [03:28] | Tell them! | 快说 |
| [03:30] | It was her daughter. | 去泡了她女儿 |
| [03:34] | Wait, wait, y-you slept with your girlfriend’s daughter? | 等等 你居然睡了你女朋友的女儿吗 |
| [03:39] | Jerry Springer is taped | 本期情感调解节目是在 |
| [03:40] | before a live studio audience. | 现场录音室观众前录制 |
| [03:42] | I trusted you to be a good influence on Ashley. | 我信任你会给艾希莉当个好模范 |
| [03:45] | You know, it was your idea for us to spend time together. | 是你提议要我跟她多相处的 |
| [03:49] | You were supposed to be tutoring her in math! | 我是让你去教她数学 |
| [03:52] | What were you thinking? | 你脑子里想啥呢 |
| [03:55] | Jake tutoring math? | 让杰克教数学 |
| [03:57] | What were you thinking? | 你脑子里又想啥呢 |
| [03:59] | I figured you were gonna find another girl someday. | 我早料到哪天你会找个新妞 |
| [04:01] | I just didn’t think it would be | 我只是没想到你会去找个 |
| [04:02] | the one that came from my uterus. | 从老娘子宫里生出来的 |
| [04:05] | I’m sorry, it just sort of happened. | 抱歉 自然而然就这样了 |
| [04:08] | Sorry, it just sort of happened. | 抱歉 自然而然就出手了 |
| [04:12] | Jake, did you even once consider | 杰克 你有想过 |
| [04:13] | that there were other people involved? | 这事情会牵连其他人吗 |
| [04:14] | Yeah, of course. I mean, that’s what made it so hot. | 当然啊 所以才刺激啊 |
| [04:17] | Her mom was in the other room. | 她妈就在隔壁房间里呢 |
| [04:18] | That’s it, I’m killing him! | 够了 老娘要杀了他 |
| [04:20] | Dad! Dad! | 老爸 老爸 |
| [04:20] | Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! | 主持人 主持人 |
| [04:25] | Okay, walk me through this. | 来吧 仔细跟我说说 |
| [04:28] | Start from the beginning. | 从头开始说 |
| [04:29] | Well, by all accounts, I was a happy baby. | 好吧 一开始我是个开心的宝宝 |
| [04:33] | Fast-forward. | 快进 |
| [04:34] | You and Tammy’s daughter. | 从你跟泰咪女儿开始的地方说起 |
| [04:37] | How? | 怎么开始的 |
| [04:38] | All right. | 好吧 |
| [04:39] | Imagine Tammy at 18, in a string bikini, | 想象18岁的泰咪 穿着超暴露比基尼 |
| [04:43] | crying on your shoulder, saying, | 在你肩膀上哭着说 |
| [04:44] | “Why can’t all guys be like you?” | “为什么其他男人不能像你一样” |
| [04:55] | Walden? | 沃顿 |
| [04:56] | Oh, sorry, I was still imagining. | 抱歉 我还在想象 |
| [05:00] | It was the perfect storm. | 这是一场完美风暴 |
| [05:02] | Ashley, had just broken up with her boyfriend | 艾希莉刚刚跟她男朋友分手 |
| [05:04] | and Tammy was asleep. | 而且泰咪恰好睡着了 |
| [05:06] | I’m the victim here. | 我才是受害者好吗 |
| [05:13] | Okay, I… | 好吧 |
| [05:15] | On one hand, your behavior is despicable. | 从一方面说 你的行为令人发指 |
| [05:19] | On the other, | 从另一方面说 |
| [05:20] | the elusive mother-daughter combo. Up top. | 母女组合向来无法抗拒 击下掌 |
| [05:26] | But last time you were here, you were saying | 但上次你回来时还说 |
| [05:28] | that Tammy was the love of your life | 泰咪是你的一生挚爱 |
| [05:29] | and you wanted to marry her. | 你想跟她结婚 |
| [05:31] | What can I say? I was young and naive back then. | 我能说什么 那时的我年少无知 |
| [05:35] | That was six weeks ago. | 才六周前呢 |
| [05:37] | I never meant to hurt Tammy. | 我不是有心伤害泰咪的 |
| [05:39] | I care about them both. | 我关心她们母女俩 |
| [05:43] | Hey, do you think there would ever be a chance | 你觉得我有没有可能 |
| [05:45] | I could get them both together… | 同时坐拥她们母女俩 |
| [05:52] | You’re adorable. | 你真是太可爱了 |
| [05:58] | What the hell is wrong with your son? | 你的儿子是什么毛病 |
| [06:00] | That is a question for the ages. | 这个问题我思考多年了 |
| [06:04] | Kind of like, “If there really is a God, | 这种问题无解 就跟”如果真有上帝 |
| [06:06] | why is there so much sorrow in the world?” | 为什么这世上还那么多悲伤” |
| [06:08] | or, “how have I managed | 或”这些年 |
| [06:10] | to keep living in this house all these years?” | 我是怎么做到在这房子赖着不走”一样 |
| [06:12] | You know, I’m tempted to sleep with you | 我为了报复他 |
| [06:14] | just to get back at him. | 都想跟你上床了 |
| [06:17] | Oh, well, I’m, uh, I’m, uh, I’m flattered, | 我真是受宠若惊 |
| [06:20] | but I actually… | 但其实我… |
| [06:21] | I was just kidding. | 我开玩笑的 |
| [06:25] | How could he do this to me? | 他怎么能这样对我呢 |
| [06:26] | Well, you said yourself, | 你自己也说过 |
| [06:28] | you knew this thing with Jake wasn’t gonna last. | 你知道跟杰克的感情不会长久 |
| [06:30] | Yeah, but there are plenty of other little skanks in our town. | 没错 但镇上那么多小贱人 |
| [06:33] | Why did he have to pick my little skank? | 为什么他偏偏挑上我家的小贱人 |
| [06:36] | I wish there was something that would make you feel better. | 我希望有办法能让你好过点 |
| [06:38] | Uh, what if Jake apologized? | 让杰克道歉怎么样 |
| [06:41] | What if I cut his balls off? | 我切掉他的蛋蛋怎么样 |
| [06:44] | So, we’ve got options. | 我们好歹也有几个选择了 |
| [06:50] | All right, you two, | 好了 你们俩 |
| [06:51] | now-now, let’s, uh, let’s think of the couch | 把这沙发当作是 |
| [06:53] | as a safe place for communication. | 相互沟通的安全地方 |
| [06:56] | Uh, uh, neutral corner, neutral corner. | 中立角 中立角 |
| [07:00] | Now, and-and this, uh, this pillow | 这个枕头 |
| [07:02] | represents the wall of respect. | 代表尊重的那面墙 |
| [07:07] | Okay, I’m gonna, I’m gonna place it between the two of you. | 我要把这面墙放在你们俩中间 |
| [07:12] | Okay? | 可以吗 |
| [07:13] | Now, uh, Tammy, would you like to start? | 泰咪 你想先开始吗 |
| [07:19] | She hit me with the wall of respect. | 她用尊重之墙打我 |
| [07:21] | And you slept with my daughter. | 你还睡了我女儿呢 |
| [07:23] | So we’ll call it even? | 那我们算扯平了吗 |
| [07:27] | What’s going on? | 发生什么事了 |
| [07:28] | Oh, well, it’s complicated. | 情况很复杂 |
| [07:30] | – Uh, remember Jake’s girlfriend Tammy? – Yeah. | -还记得杰克的女友泰咪吗 -记得 |
| [07:33] | She has an 18-year-old daughter… | 她有一个18岁的女儿 |
| [07:35] | And Jake nailed her. | 杰克睡了人家 |
| [07:40] | Okay, not that complicated. | 看来情况也没那么复杂 |
| [07:43] | Uh, Jake, do you want to say something? | 杰克 你有什么想说的 |
| [07:46] | All right. | 好吧 |
| [07:47] | Uh, I’m sorry for cheating on you with your daughter. | 很抱歉我背着你跟你的女儿偷吃 |
| [07:50] | But, I mean, | 但我觉得 |
| [07:52] | when you think about it, it’s really a compliment. | 当你仔细想的话 会发现这其实是赞美 |
| [07:54] | ‘Cause she’s just a much younger version of you. | 因为你女儿简直是你年轻好几十岁的版本 |
| [08:00] | I’ll get that. | 我去开门 |
| [08:03] | I didn’t know Jake had it in him. | 我真不知道杰克这么有种 |
| [08:04] | Apparently, he’s had it in everybody. | 显然 他的”种”撒遍她们家 |
| [08:09] | – Ashley? – Baby! | -艾希莉 -宝贝 |
| [08:12] | Get your mouth off my daughter | 把你的脏嘴从我女儿身上拿开 |
| [08:13] | you cheating son of a bitch! | 你个偷吃的王八蛋 |
| [08:15] | Oh, that would make a great country song. | 泰勒·斯威夫特的新歌可以用这句 |
| [08:20] | Ashley, what are you doing here? | 艾希莉 你来这里干什么 |
| [08:21] | Mom, I know you’re upset and that’s why I came, but… | 妈 我知道你不爽 所以我来了 |
| [08:24] | Hey, is that my shirt? | 这是我的衣服吗 |
| [08:26] | Hey, is that my boyfriend? | 那是我的男友吗 |
| [08:28] | Oh, please! | 拜托 |
| [08:29] | Like you haven’t stolen boyfriends from me before. | 好像你就没撬过我墙角似的 |
| [08:31] | He was your teacher! | 那人是你的老师 |
| [08:33] | Yeah, and thanks to you, I failed biology. | 多亏了你 我的生物学挂了 |
| [08:35] | No, biology failed me! | 不 是生了你让我挂了 |
| [08:39] | This makes me so homesick. | 这让我深深怀念我们家 |
| [08:43] | Come on, Mom. | 别这样嘛 老妈 |
| [08:44] | No, Ashley, I am not gonna let you | 不行 艾希莉 我不会让你 |
| [08:46] | throw your life away for this loser. | 浪费人生在这个废柴身上 |
| [08:47] | Hey, hey, that loser is my son. | 喂 那个废柴是我的儿子 |
| [08:50] | And your ex-boyfriend. | 也是你的前男友 |
| [08:51] | Yeah, I was just having fun. | 没错 我是为了找乐子打发时间 |
| [08:52] | Ashley needs to think about her future. | 艾希莉得考虑她的将来 |
| [08:55] | Hey… he has a very bright… | 我儿子有一个非常光明的… |
| [08:58] | You know what, this is family business. | 算了 这是你们家的私事 |
| [09:01] | You are not the boss of me. | 你又不是我的老板 |
| [09:02] | If I want to date a loser, then I will. | 如果我想跟一个废柴约会 你管不着 |
| [09:05] | Thank you. | 谢谢 |
| [09:08] | I can actually feel my IQ dropping. | 我明显感觉到我的智商在下降 |
| [09:16] | – Are you Jake’s father? – Yeah. | -你是杰克的父亲吗 -是的 |
| [09:21] | You don’t have to pay me for today. | 你今天不用给我工钱了 |
| [09:35] | What the hell? | 搞毛呀 |
| [09:36] | Why did you hit me? | 你干嘛打我 |
| [09:37] | Because I can’t hit a kid. | 因为我不能打小孩子 |
| [09:39] | And your son’s messing with my Ashley. | 你的儿子搞我的艾希莉 |
| [09:42] | You’re Ashley’s dad? | 你是艾希莉的父亲吗 |
| [09:43] | Ew! No! Ew! No! | 才不是 |
| [09:45] | I’m her boyfriend. | 我是她男朋友 |
| [09:46] | Ew. No. Ew. No. | 不是吧 |
| [09:50] | He’s my ex-boyfriend. | 他是我的前男友 |
| [09:52] | I’m with Jake now. | 我现在跟杰克在一起了 |
| [09:53] | Oh, come on, I take craps bigger than him. | 得了吧 我拉的屎都比他大 |
| [09:57] | Takes me an hour and a half, but I do it. | 虽然要用一个半小时 但就是比他大 |
| [10:01] | What are you doing here, Jerry? | 你来这干什么 杰瑞 |
| [10:03] | Whoa, Jerry? | 杰瑞 |
| [10:05] | From Jerry’s Cadillac in Tustin? | 塔斯廷的凯迪拉克经销商杰瑞吗 |
| [10:07] | That’s right, son. | 没错 孩子 |
| [10:08] | – No credit, no problem. – Really? | -不赊账 不找事 -真的吗 |
| [10:11] | “Want a Caddy, I’m your Daddy.” | “想要台凯迪吗 找老爹准行” |
| [10:13] | I want a daddy. | 我想要个坏老爹 |
| [10:20] | I want you back, Ashley. | 我希望你回心转意 艾希莉 |
| [10:21] | Whatever. Too little, too late, Jer-Bear. | 随便啦 说什么都晚了 杰老熊 |
| [10:23] | Yeah, Jer-Bear. | 杰老熊 |
| [10:26] | You know, it’s like that old song: | 就像一首歌唱得那样 |
| [10:27] | “If you liked it, then you should’ve put a ring on it.” | “爱她 就用戒指绑住她” |
| [10:29] | Well, I bought you a belly ring. | 我给你买了肚脐戒啊 |
| [10:31] | Oh, that was you? | 是你送的啊 |
| [10:33] | I chipped my tooth on that thing. | 我被那东西磕着牙了 |
| [10:36] | Uh, just out of curiosity, | 我挺好奇的 |
| [10:38] | how did you meet Hannah Montana here? | 你是怎么认识这个汉娜·蒙塔娜的 |
| [10:42] | It’s actually a cute story. | 那是一段美好的故事 |
| [10:44] | We were shooting a commercial | 我们当时在为国庆节的 |
| [10:45] | for our Fourth of July Savings Spectacular. | 省钱大狂欢拍一支广告 |
| [10:48] | I was dressed as Uncle Sam, | 我扮山姆大叔 |
| [10:50] | with a row of pretty girls behind me | 一群靓妞站在我后面 |
| [10:51] | wearing bikinis and waving sparklers. | 穿着比基尼 挥舞着烟火 |
| [10:54] | I took one look at Ashley, | 我看了一眼阿什利 |
| [10:55] | pointed at her and said, “Uncle Sam wants you.” | 指着她说 “山姆大叔要你” |
| [11:01] | That is a cute story. | 确实是个有爱的故事 |
| [11:04] | Fireworks went off in my pants that night. | 那晚我裤裆里烟火四起啊 |
| [11:08] | Okay, not so cute anymore. | 这就不太有爱了 |
| [11:11] | I mean, how can you not love a girl like this? | 这样的女孩怎能让人不爱呢 |
| [11:13] | She’s smart, she’s funny, | 又聪明 又风趣 |
| [11:14] | and she’s got a better body than the new SRX Crossover. | 身板比SRX越野车都结实 |
| [11:18] | Don’t you, darling? | 对不对亲爱的 |
| [11:19] | Don’t “darling” Me. | 别叫我”亲爱的” |
| [11:20] | You had your chance and you blew it. | 你把机会浪费掉了 |
| [11:21] | Oh, come on, Ashley. I’ve been married four times. | 艾希莉 我结了四次婚 |
| [11:24] | And you know why they didn’t work. | 你知道我婚姻为什么失败 |
| [11:26] | I got a mistress, | 我养了个情妇 |
| [11:27] | and her name is Customer Satisfaction. | 她的名字叫做”顾客满意度” |
| [11:32] | All right. | 好吧 |
| [11:33] | Look, Jerry, if my little girl doesn’t want to see you, | 杰瑞 要是我女儿不想见到你 |
| [11:35] | then you got to go. | 你就走人吧 |
| [11:37] | – Thanks, Mom. – Shut up. | -多谢老妈 -闭嘴 |
| [11:41] | Okay. | 好吧 |
| [11:42] | It takes two to make a deal. | 强扭的瓜不甜 |
| [11:44] | But know this, Ashley: | 但是你要知道 艾希莉 |
| [11:47] | I guarantee I will always love you. | 我保证会永远爱你 |
| [11:51] | Just like I guarantee no one can beat my prices. | 正如我保证没人价钱比我更便宜 |
| [12:02] | If you need a set of wheels, Jerry’s making super deals | 如果你需要一组轮胎 杰瑞就是你的第一选择 |
| [12:05] | at Jerry’s Cadillac. | 尽在凯迪拉克杰瑞经销 |
| [12:15] | Oh, come on. It’s catchy. | 这歌很琅琅上口嘛 |
| [12:21] | God, I’ve failed as a parent. | 天啊 我不是个好母亲 |
| [12:23] | No. | 没有 |
| [12:24] | Yeah. | 确实没做好 |
| [12:26] | Maybe. | 或许吧 |
| [12:29] | My beautiful young daughter has narrowed her choices down | 我那年轻漂亮的女儿看上了 |
| [12:32] | to a 19-year-old who needs to ask the Wizard for a brain | 一个没脑子的19岁小孩 |
| [12:36] | and a sleazy car salesman | 和一个卖汽车的庸俗男 |
| [12:38] | who barely escaped a Dateline special. | 整天只知道搞节日特价 |
| [12:42] | O-Okay, so it’s not an ideal situation, | 这不是最佳选择 |
| [12:45] | but… what is? | 但是有什么大不了 |
| [12:47] | Sometimes kids make mistakes. | 有时候孩子就会犯错误 |
| [12:49] | Yeah, sometimes kids are mistakes. | 对啊 有时候孩子本身就是个错误 |
| [12:52] | Well, look, when I was a kid, | 我小时候 |
| [12:54] | I made a lot of choices my parents didn’t agree with. | 做了许多父母不同意的决定 |
| [12:56] | Like dropping out of M.I.T., | 比如从麻省理工退学 |
| [12:58] | and that turned out great. | 结果现在混得也好啊 |
| [13:01] | Somehow I don’t think | 我不怎么觉得 |
| [13:01] | Ashley’s on the road to incredible wealth. | 艾希莉是奔向挣大钱的道路 |
| [13:05] | She’s more on the road to | 她这是奔着 |
| [13:07] | antibiotic-resistant gonorrhea. | 耐抗生素的淋病去了 |
| [13:14] | That’s… just… | 那真是 |
| [13:21] | When is it gonna stop? | 什么时候才能停止 |
| [13:23] | When’s what gonna stop? | 什么东西停止 |
| [13:24] | The taking. | 索取 |
| [13:25] | I mean, that’s all kids ever do. | 我是说孩子总是在索取 |
| [13:28] | I mean, first they take over your body | 他们先是占用你的身体 |
| [13:30] | like a little parasite. | 像个小寄生虫 |
| [13:33] | And then they trash your fun zone on the way out. | 出来的时候就损坏你的快感地带 |
| [13:39] | Then they suck your boobs until your nipples | 然后就吸吮你的乳房直到乳头 |
| [13:40] | look like the worn-out thumb on a work glove. | 成了一个磨损坏的工作手套拇指区域 |
| [13:46] | You do paint a picture with your words. | 我眼前呈现出一幅幅生动的图片 |
| [13:50] | And then it gets really bad. | 然后会变得很糟糕 |
| [13:52] | They take your sleep, your time, | 他们让你没法睡觉 侵占你的时间 |
| [13:55] | your favorite dress, keys to your car, | 拿走你最喜爱的裙子 车钥匙 |
| [13:59] | the weed you had hidden in a cowboy boot | 还有衣柜后面藏在 |
| [14:01] | in the back of your closet. | 牛仔靴里的大麻卷 |
| [14:03] | Leave it up to my daughter to go the extra mile | 结果我女儿还加倍努力 |
| [14:05] | and take my boyfriend. | 连我的男朋友也占了 |
| [14:07] | And you know why you keep giving? | 你知道为什么你总是给予吗 |
| [14:09] | Because I’m a glutton for punishment? | 因为我有被虐倾向吗 |
| [14:11] | Because you love her, | 因为你爱她 |
| [14:13] | and you want what’s best for her. | 想给她最好的 |
| [14:15] | I suppose. | 可能吧 |
| [14:16] | Okay, let me ask you this: | 我来问你 |
| [14:18] | were you happy with Jake? | 你跟杰克在一起快乐吗 |
| [14:20] | I mean, you know, | 我是说 |
| [14:20] | before he started climbing the family tree. | 他在挖家庭内部墙脚之前 |
| [14:26] | Honestly, Jake’s a great guy. | 老实说 杰克是个好人 |
| [14:28] | So isn’t it possible | 那么他 |
| [14:31] | that he may also be a great guy for your daughter? | 对于你女儿不也是个好人吗 |
| [14:34] | No. | 不 |
| [14:35] | Yes. | 是的 |
| [14:37] | Maybe. | 或许吧 |
| [14:41] | Really? The thumb on a work glove? | 真的吗 成了工作手套的拇指了吗 |
| [14:44] | Oh, honey, that was two boob jobs ago. | 那是两次隆乳手术前的事了 |
| [14:46] | These puppies can cut glass now. | 现在都硬得能雕玻璃了 |
| [14:59] | Sorry Jerry hit you, Dad. | 抱歉杰瑞打了你 爸爸 |
| [15:01] | So am I. | 我也很难过 |
| [15:03] | Yeah, what was that about? I mean, he won’t hit a kid, | 他什么意思 不好意思打孩子 |
| [15:05] | but he’ll hit somebody way older than him? | 却好意思打一个比他老得多的人 |
| [15:09] | What? | 什么 |
| [15:10] | I said, “he won’t hit a kid, | 我说 “他不打孩子 |
| [15:13] | but he’ll hit someone way older than him!” | 但他却打一个比他老得多的人” |
| [15:24] | I have something I want to say to you two. | 我有话对你们两个说 |
| [15:26] | Don’t care. | 不在乎 |
| [15:27] | I swear to God, Ashley, | 我对天发誓 艾希莉 |
| [15:29] | I paid to get those teeth straight, | 你满口牙齿是老娘花钱矫正的 |
| [15:30] | I will crooked ’em up again! | 我可以把它们再打歪 |
| [15:34] | Eye on the ball, Tammy. Eye on the ball. | 说重点 泰咪 说重点 |
| [15:39] | If you two want to be with each other, | 如果你们两个想在一起 |
| [15:41] | I am not gonna stand in your way. | 我不会阻挠的 |
| [15:43] | Really? | 真的吗 |
| [15:45] | If you think you can be happy together, | 如果你们觉得在一起会开心 |
| [15:46] | then be happy together. | 那就开心在一起吧 |
| [15:48] | Thank you, Tammy. | 谢谢 泰咪 |
| [15:50] | I… guess I just hope Ashley and I | 我只希望我和艾希莉 |
| [15:52] | can be as happy as you and I were. | 能有咱俩在一起时那么开心 |
| [15:59] | Stop talking. | 闭嘴吧你 |
| [16:02] | But I already am happy, Jake-Bear. | 但我已经很开心了 杰熊熊 |
| [16:05] | Give me some sugar. | 我要亲亲 |
| [16:08] | This is the oddest family moment I have ever witnessed. | 这是我见识过的最奇怪的家庭温馨场面 |
| [16:15] | Maybe I should grease up a pig | 也许我应该给猪身上涂油 |
| [16:17] | in case they want to wrestle later. | 没准他们等下想玩”抓油猪”游戏 |
| [16:23] | Jerry. | 杰瑞 |
| [16:24] | I feel bad about before, | 刚才的事我很抱歉 |
| [16:26] | so I brought you an official Jerry’s Cadillac beer koozie. | 所以我给你带了本店正版凯迪拉克啤酒瓶罩 |
| [16:31] | I told you, it’s over. | 我跟你说了 我们没戏了 |
| [16:33] | You did. | 你说了 |
| [16:35] | But I’m driving home | 但我开车回家 |
| [16:37] | in my limited edition Escalade… | 开着我的限量版凯雷德 |
| [16:44] | …when it hits me. | 突然意识到 |
| [16:46] | If I’ve learned one thing in my 25 years | 要说我25年来 作为橘子郡 |
| [16:49] | as Orange County’s number one dealer | 顶级豪华车第一经销商 |
| [16:51] | of premium luxury vehicles, | 学到了什么 |
| [16:53] | it’s that you don’t take no for an answer. | 那就是不接受”不”这个答案 |
| [16:56] | God, this guy’s good. | 老天 这家伙太厉害了 |
| [16:59] | So I came back here to ask you just | 所以我回来就问你 |
| [17:01] | one question. | 一个问题 |
| [17:05] | What’s it gonna take to get you into my life today? | 今天要怎么样才会让你重回我的身边 |
| [17:09] | Oh, my God, look at the size of that rock. | 我的天 看这钻石的大小 |
| [17:12] | Dude, you can’t buy her love with a diamond ring. | 哥们 你不能用钻石戒指收买她的爱情 |
| [17:15] | But wait, there’s more. | 等等 还没说完 |
| [17:19] | My manager’s gonna kill me, but if you say yes right now… | 我的经理会杀了我 但如果你现在说”愿意” |
| [17:25] | …I will throw in a 2012 powder blue Mercedes SL | 我会再加上一辆我刚在警方拍卖会上拍到的 |
| [17:28] | I just bought at a police auction. | 2012年粉蓝色奔驰SL级跑车 |
| [17:33] | I don’t know what to do. | 我不知道该怎么做 |
| [17:34] | Take the car! | 收下车 |
| [17:38] | Dad! | 爸 |
| [17:39] | It’s a Mercedes. | 这可是大奔啊 |
| [17:42] | We got a deal, Ashley? | 同意吗 艾希莉 |
| [17:44] | Sold! | 成交 |
| [17:51] | I love these people. | 我爱这些家伙 |
| [18:06] | Jake? | 杰克 |
| [18:11] | – Doing okay? – I guess. | -还好吗 -死不了 |
| [18:13] | I really screwed things up this time, didn’t I? | 这次我是真的搞砸了 对吗 |
| [18:18] | you certainly screwed everything you could. | 你的确是尽力搞砸一切事情 |
| [18:21] | I mean, I had such a good thing going– | 本来事情挺好的 |
| [18:23] | first with Tammy and then Ashley— | 开始是泰咪 然后是艾希莉 |
| [18:25] | and now I’m all alone. | 现在我又孤身一人了 |
| [18:27] | That’s because you’re a Harper. | 那是因为你是哈勃家的人 |
| [18:29] | It’s what we do. | 咱们哈勃就这样 |
| [18:30] | We take something good and turn it into nothing. | 我们的天性就是 化神奇为腐朽 |
| [18:35] | I don’t like being a Harper. | 我不喜欢做哈勃 |
| [18:37] | Nobody does, son. | 没人喜欢 儿子 |
| [18:39] | Nobody does. | 没人喜欢 |
| [18:47] | What a day, huh? | 真是够呛的一天 |
| [18:48] | Yeah. | 对 |
| [18:50] | Sorry about all the trouble. | 抱歉给你添麻烦了 |
| [18:51] | You kidding me? | 开什么玩笑 |
| [18:53] | Jerry sold me an Escalade at dealer cost. | 杰瑞以经销商价格卖给我一辆凯雷德 |
| [18:56] | Oh, honey, you didn’t fall for that, did you? | 亲爱的 你不会真相信了吧 |
| [18:59] | He really is the king, isn’t he? | 他真是销售之王啊 |
| [19:03] | And my daughter gets to be the queen. | 而我女儿做皇后了 |
| [19:05] | It’s a white trash fairy tale. | 真是垃圾白人的浪漫童话啊 |
| [19:08] | Hey. Let’s talk about something happier. | 说些开心的事 |
| [19:10] | Remember when Alan got punched in the face? | 还记得艾伦脸上吃了一记老拳吗 |
| [19:12] | Yeah. That was awesome. | 对 太开心了 |
| [19:20] | You know, the older I get, | 年纪越大 |
| [19:21] | the less I understand about relationships. | 我越是不懂爱情了 |
| [19:24] | Me, too. I’m like a blind man | 我也是 我就像一个瞎子 |
| [19:26] | trying to get out of a doorknob factory. | 想走出门把手工厂 |
| [19:29] | I mean, how is that possible? | 怎么会这样呢 |
| [19:32] | I mean, you’re handsome and smart and charming… | 你帅气 聪明 迷人 |
| [19:35] | You’re embarrassing me. | 我都不好意思了 |
| [19:36] | Go on. | 继续说 |
| [19:39] | I mean, you got the whole package. | 你真是十全十美 |
| [19:40] | Well, you do, too. | 你也是啊 |
| [19:42] | I mean, you’re beautiful, you’re independent, | 你美丽 独立 |
| [19:45] | you’re intelligent… | 聪慧 |
| [19:46] | Oh, stop. | 别说了 |
| [19:49] | Well, don’t actually stop. | 不是真叫你别说了 |
| [19:52] | You’re funny. | 你很风趣 |
| [19:55] | You’re… | 你 |
| [19:58] | …really, really beautiful. | 真的真的很美丽 |
| [20:11] | Okay, that probably wasn’t a good idea. | 这样不太好吧 |
| [20:13] | Definitely not. | 绝对不好 |
| [20:19] | Berta’s gonna love this. | 波塔一定会爱死这一幕 |