| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| [00:08] | Oh, hey, morning, Berta. | 波塔 早安 |
| [00:09] | Little warning, man at work. | 警告一下 男人在干活中 |
| [00:12] | Doing a little banging and screwing. | 这里弄弄 那里搞搞 |
| [00:15] | Little warning for you. | 也警告你一下 |
| [00:17] | Woman at bar until 2:00 A.M. doing the same thing. | 在酒吧待到凌晨两点的女人也是”东搞西搞” |
| [00:21] | What are you doing? | 你是在干嘛 |
| [00:23] | I am baby-proofing the house. | 给房子装婴儿保护装置 |
| [00:26] | It’s a requirement of the adoption agency, | 领养机构的要求 |
| [00:28] | and it’s a good thing, too. | 而且这也是好事 |
| [00:29] | This here kitchen is a death trap. | 这厨房简直是杀婴神器 |
| [00:32] | Whole mess of things up in here that can kill someone. | 这里有一大堆能弄死人的东西 |
| [00:34] | We got knives, we got fire, poison, scalding hot water, | 有刀 有火 毒清洁剂 滚烫的沸水 |
| [00:38] | Alan’s leftover fish tacos. | 艾伦过期的鱼肉卷 |
| [00:41] | You worry too much. | 你紧张过度了 |
| [00:43] | Jake ate a steady diet of floor wax and detergent, | 杰克当年没少吃到地板蜡跟清洁剂 |
| [00:46] | and he turned out… | 你看他… |
| [00:49] | Yeah, maybe it’s not a bad idea. | 其实你说的还真有道理 |
| [00:51] | I locked all the cabinets and the drawers, | 我把所有的柜子跟抽屉都固定了 |
| [00:53] | put these safety knobs on the stove, | 炉灶也加上了安全开关 |
| [00:55] | and if you want to access any chemicals, | 如果你想要拿出那些化学药品 |
| [00:57] | you will need a special magnetic key. | 会需要用特殊的磁力钥匙 |
| [00:59] | Oh, by the way, when you’re doing the laundry, | 对了 你洗衣服的时候 |
| [01:01] | keep your eye out for a special magnetic key. | 留意有没有特殊磁力钥匙掉出来 |
| [01:04] | Why would you need to lock the towel drawer? | 为什么毛巾抽屉也要上锁 |
| [01:07] | You hide your pot in the medicine cabinet. | 你的大麻是藏在药物抽屉里的啊 |
| [01:10] | I’m guessing. | 我猜的 |
| [01:12] | That is no ordinary towel drawer. | 那不是普通的毛巾抽屉 |
| [01:14] | That’s the first step on the stairway to disaster. | 那是灾难的起源第一步 |
| [01:17] | Oh, I’m too hungover for this crap. | 我太醉 懒得听这些狗屁 |
| [01:19] | Okay, okay. | 好吧 好吧 |
| [01:21] | All right, imagine, if you will, child pulls out the drawer, | 你想象一下 小孩拉开这个抽屉 |
| [01:25] | climbs up onto the counter and toddles over to the window | 爬上去到台面上 在爬过去 |
| [01:28] | that has been left open | 到没锁的窗边 |
| [01:30] | because Alan finds the smell of steaming broccoli | 没锁是因为艾伦觉得蒸花椰菜让他反胃 |
| [01:33] | to be “gaggy.” | 所以打开窗透气 |
| [01:35] | Whereupon, the child spots a beautiful kite, | 结果呢 小孩看到了美丽的风筝 |
| [01:39] | most likely in the shape of a butterfly or a Pikachu. | 很可能是蝴蝶或皮卡丘图案的 |
| [01:43] | The child reaches for the kite, | 小孩伸手想抓风筝 |
| [01:46] | tumbles out the window, | 滚出窗外 |
| [01:48] | bounces off the awning, flying through the air, | 掉到雨篷 弹出去 飞在空中 |
| [01:50] | heading toward certain death, | 本来马上要死了 |
| [01:52] | when, miraculously, it is caught | 结果奇迹发生 |
| [01:54] | by a shirtless Matthew McConaughey. | 他被光上身的马修·麦康纳接住了 |
| [01:54] | 知名男演员 在1993年他出演的电影《年少轻狂》中 有着著名的台词”all right, all right, all right” | |
| [01:59] | “Don’t worry, your baby’s gonna be all right, | “别担心 你的小孩一切都会很好 |
| [02:01] | all right, all right.” | 很好 很好” |
| [02:05] | Yeah, sure. | 是啊 |
| [02:06] | You know what, we got lucky this time, | 我们这次是走运 孩子没事 |
| [02:07] | but we can’t depend on McConaughey every time. | 但我们不能每次都有马修·麦康纳来救啊 |
| [02:10] | Okay, I’m gonna have to start hiding the pot from you. | 行啊 但我以后要把你的大麻藏起来了 |
| [02:14] | Better safe than sorry. | 不怕一万 只怕万一 |
| [02:16] | Every stairway, every toilet, every sharp corner | 每个楼梯间 每个厕所 每个尖锐角落 |
| [02:19] | has been locked, latched or padded. | 都被锁上 闩上或加垫了 |
| [02:21] | No one is getting hurt in this house. | 没人可以在这个家里受伤 |
| [02:26] | Hot! | 烫 |
| [02:26] | Hot! Hot! | 烫 烫 |
| [02:34] | All right, all right, all right. | 很好 很好 很好 |
| [02:53] | So, as you can see, | 你也看到了 |
| [02:54] | I installed a gate at the top of the stairs, | 我在楼梯口装了安全门 |
| [02:56] | at the bottom of the stairs, and as an extra precaution, | 楼梯底下也装了安全门 为了额外小心 |
| [02:58] | I put one in the middle of the stairs. | 我在楼梯中间也装了一个 |
| [03:00] | Overachiever. | 好还要更好 |
| [03:03] | I think he’s just trying to keep me from getting away. | 我想他只是想关住我 怕我跑掉 |
| [03:06] | Well, you did a great job baby-proofing. | 你的婴儿防护措施做得很棒 |
| [03:09] | I can’t imagine anyone getting hurt in this house. | 我想象不到有谁在这家里能受伤 |
| [03:11] | Really? Try telling me I look fat in these jeans. | 是吗 你试试说我穿这牛仔裤显胖 |
| [03:15] | Okay, flame off, Human Torch. | 够了 收了你的神通吧 霹雳火 |
| [03:18] | So, uh, so, what do we do next? | 所以下一步是怎么样呢 |
| [03:21] | Oh, well, it’s pretty simple. | 挺简单了 |
| [03:23] | I walk out onto the deck, | 我走到外面阳台等 |
| [03:24] | you put a pile of hundreds on the table, | 你就把一叠百元大钞放桌上 |
| [03:26] | I come back, slip them into my purse, | 我走进来 把钱塞进皮包里 |
| [03:27] | and you get a kid. | 小孩就是你的了 |
| [03:30] | I have $5,000 in the bottom of a toolbox in the garage. | 我车库的工具箱底有5千块钱 |
| [03:33] | I was joking. | 我开玩笑的 |
| [03:35] | As was I. | 我也是 |
| [03:38] | Anyway, uh, I wasn’t gonna say anything | 我本来不打算在审核完毕前 |
| [03:40] | until you guys passed the inspection, | 告诉你们俩这消息的 |
| [03:42] | but it looks like we may have found | 但貌似我们已经找到了 |
| [03:44] | a potential match for the two of you. | 适合你们两个的孩子了 |
| [03:48] | We’re… | 我们 |
| [03:49] | We’re getting a baby. | 我们要有孩子啦 |
| [03:50] | Are you serious? This is unbelievable. | 你是说真的吗 太不敢相信了 |
| [03:52] | Well, slow down; all that’s happened so far | 别着急 目前还只是在 |
| [03:53] | is a pregnant mother has seen your profile | 一名怀孕的妈妈看过你们的资料 |
| [03:55] | and wants to meet you. | 很想见见你们 |
| [03:56] | Somebody saw my profile and wants to meet me? | 有人看过我的资料还想见我吗 |
| [04:00] | That’s so different than the dating sites. | 跟在相亲网站上差好多哦 |
| [04:02] | I can’t believe this. | 我真不敢相信 |
| [04:03] | Who is she? Where is she from? | 她是谁 哪里人 |
| [04:04] | How old is she? Is she having a boy or a girl? | 她几岁了 肚子里是男是女 |
| [04:06] | Wait, no, la-la-la-la-la! | 别 别说说说说说 |
| [04:08] | I don’t want to know. I want to be surprised. | 我不想知道 我想有惊喜 |
| [04:10] | Walden, you’re getting ahead of yourself. | 沃顿 你想太多了 |
| [04:11] | Did you say girl? | 你是说女孩吗 |
| [04:12] | I thought I heard you say girl. | 我好像听到你说是女孩 |
| [04:14] | Wait, no, you know what? | 算了 其实呢 |
| [04:15] | Doesn’t matter. | 根本无所谓 |
| [04:16] | Ten fingers and ten toes– | 只要手脚健全 |
| [04:18] | that’s all that matters. | 这才是最重要的 |
| [04:20] | Are you not saying anything ’cause it’s a boy? | 你不说话是因为是个男孩吗 |
| [04:22] | Oh, my God, we’re having a boy! | 天啊 我们要有儿子啦 |
| [04:25] | Okay, Walden, | 沃顿 |
| [04:26] | when you meet the mother, | 当你见到孩子生母 |
| [04:27] | you want to come off as a calm, stable father. | 你最好看起来是很冷静 镇定的父亲 |
| [04:30] | Not like a 14-year-old girl at a Justin Bieber concert. | 不是去参加贾斯丁·比伯演唱会的14岁少女 |
| [04:33] | Sorry, we’re just really excited. | 抱歉 我们是太兴奋了 |
| [04:34] | No, I get it. I’m excited for you. | 没事 我懂 我也很为你们兴奋 |
| [04:36] | I’ll call you when the meeting is set up. | 等见面时间确定好了 我再通知你们 |
| [04:38] | Oh, and by the way, | 对了 |
| [04:39] | I think you look fantastic in those jeans. | 我觉得你穿那条牛仔裤 看起来超棒 |
| [04:41] | Girl, we are gonna be BFFs. | 姑娘 我们绝对会是好闺蜜 |
| [04:47] | We’re gonna have a baby. | 我们要有孩子啦 |
| [04:48] | We’re gonna have a baby. | 我们要有孩子啦 |
| [04:49] | We’re gonna have a baby. | 我们要有孩子啦 |
| [04:51] | We’re gonna have a baby! | 我们要有孩子啦 |
| [04:53] | We’re gonna have a baby! | 我们要有孩子啦 |
| [04:55] | Oh, we have to celebrate. | 我们得庆祝一下 |
| [04:56] | Uh, I’ll go to the garage and get some champagne. | 我去车库里面拿点香槟 |
| [04:57] | Great! We’re gonna have a baby! | 太好了 我们要有孩子啦 |
| [04:59] | We’re gonna have a… | 我们要有… |
| [05:01] | Wait, we don’t have champagne in the garage. | 等等 我们车库里没有香槟啊 |
| [05:03] | My toolbox! | 我藏钱的工具箱 |
| [05:04] | Alan! | 艾伦 |
| [05:10] | Here. | 给 |
| [05:11] | I got this for you. | 我买了这个给你 |
| [05:15] | Why? | 为啥 |
| [05:16] | I think it would be nice | 如果我们穿着情侣毛衣 |
| [05:17] | if we wore matching sweaters to meet the birth mom. | 去见宝宝的母亲 那更有说服力呀 |
| [05:19] | Twinsies. | 情侣装哦 |
| [05:21] | We’re supposed to be a married couple, | 我们应该是以已婚夫妇的身份 |
| [05:22] | not half of a barbershop quartet. | 而不是理发店四重唱的两位团员 |
| [05:25] | Can’t we be both? | 不能两者兼具吗 |
| [05:27] | * Miss McMartin, bring me a kid * | * 麦克马丁小姐 赐我一个孩子 * |
| [05:31] | * Marrying you was a dumb thing I did * | * 跟你结婚 真是一件蠢事* |
| [05:35] | You were flat. | 你唱太低了 |
| [05:38] | So, the mom– you think she’s hot? | 你说那位母亲 会不会很辣 |
| [05:40] | She’s nine months pregnant! | 她都怀孕九个月了啊 |
| [05:43] | I know. | 我知道啊 |
| [05:44] | Love me some preggos. | 孕妇诱惑超正点 |
| [05:47] | 38-62-38. | 胸围38 腰围62 臀围38 |
| [05:50] | Baby got back and front. | 宝贝真是有前有后啊 |
| [05:53] | Okay, listen. | 听着 |
| [05:55] | If we want this girl to give us her baby, | 如果想要这女孩把孩子给我们 |
| [05:57] | she has to think that we’re a well-adjusted couple. | 她一定要认为我们是一对合适的人选 |
| [05:59] | If she gets a creepy vibe off of you, | 如果她感受到你那股猥琐劲儿 |
| [06:01] | she’s gonna turn and run the other way. | 她肯定会立马转身逃跑 |
| [06:03] | And I’m only saying this | 我之所以这么说 |
| [06:04] | ’cause I’m getting a creepy vibe off of you. | 因为我深受你那股猥琐劲儿毒害 |
| [06:09] | Says the guy who Googled “Helen Mirren nip slip.” | 你自己上网搜”海伦·米伦露点照” 还好意思说 |
| [06:12] | Helen is timeless. | 海伦是永恒的女神 |
| [06:15] | Now, listen. If you mess this up for me, | 听着 如果你搞砸了 |
| [06:16] | I will make your life a living hell. | 我一定会让你生不如死 |
| [06:19] | Now, remember, we love each other. | 现在记住 我们深爱彼此 |
| [06:25] | Hello, Mama. | 你好 妈妈 |
| [06:29] | Hi. | 你们好 |
| [06:30] | Hi, you must be Kathy. | 你就是凯西吧 |
| [06:31] | Yes, uh, welcome to our Malibu dream house. | 欢迎来到我们的马里布梦想豪宅 |
| [06:35] | He’s Ken. | 他是肯 |
| [06:36] | Oh, I guess that makes me Barbie. | 那我岂不就是芭比了 |
| [06:40] | I’m Walden. | 我是沃顿 |
| [06:41] | This is Alan. | 他是艾伦 |
| [06:42] | Come in. | 快进来 |
| [06:43] | Here, c-can I take your coat? | 外套给我吧 |
| [06:44] | Oh, thank you. | 谢谢你 |
| [06:49] | Look at you! | 瞧瞧你 |
| [06:50] | – So very pregnant. – Coat. | -孕味十足呀 -挂衣服去 |
| [06:54] | I know. | 我知道 |
| [06:55] | I haven’t seen my feet since July. | 我从七月开始就没见过自己的脚 |
| [06:57] | Am I wearing matching shoes? | 我鞋子是一对吗 |
| [07:01] | Actually, no. | 貌似还真不是 |
| [07:03] | Uh, but you know what, it works. It’s cute. | 但是一点都不突兀 很可爱啊 |
| [07:05] | Um, please sit. | 快请坐 |
| [07:06] | Yeah, please. How you feeling? | 对啊 你感觉如何 |
| [07:08] | My ankles are swollen, | 我的膝盖超肿 |
| [07:09] | my back hurts, and forget about my breasts. | 我的背超疼 更别说我的胸部了 |
| [07:11] | I haven’t even noticed, you know, ’cause I’m gay. | 我都没注意到 因为我是同性恋嘛 |
| [07:14] | That’s… | 那是… |
| [07:16] | That’s my rainbow warrior. | 那是我的彩虹勇士 |
| [07:18] | Always waving his flag. | 总是在挥舞他的性向旗帜 |
| [07:20] | Even when it relates to nothing. | 即使跟任何事无关也要提 |
| [07:23] | Um, so, uh, tell us about Kathy. | 聊聊你自己吧 |
| [07:26] | I think the first thing you should know about me | 我想你们应该了解我的第一件事是 |
| [07:28] | is this is not representative of who I am. | 这个 并不能代表我是什么样的人 |
| [07:31] | See, I just graduated from UCLA. | 我刚从加州大学洛杉矶分校毕业 |
| [07:33] | The baby is a result of a spring break trip to Vegas. | 这孩子是因为春假时去拉斯维加斯怀上的 |
| [07:37] | Ah. I guess what happens in Vegas | 我猜在拉斯维加斯发生的事 |
| [07:39] | stays in Kathy. | 都留在你肚子里了 |
| [07:43] | Yep, took me about six weeks to figure out | 是啊 我花了六个月的时间才知道 |
| [07:45] | that my morning sickness | 我每天早上的晨吐 |
| [07:46] | wasn’t just a really bad hangover. | 不是一场久达六个月的超级宿醉 |
| [07:49] | Well, we all make mistakes. | 我们都会犯错误 |
| [07:50] | One morning, I woke up married to this one. | 某天早上我醒来 就发现自己跟这货结婚了 |
| [07:55] | See, bottom line, this wasn’t part of my five-year plan. | 主要是因为这不在我的五年计划之内 |
| [07:58] | You know, law school, clerk for a judge, | 我的五年计划是念法律学校 当法官文员 |
| [08:00] | start my own practice. | 开始我的事务所 |
| [08:01] | Wow, that’s-that’s impressive. | 哇 真是野心勃勃呀 |
| [08:03] | Uh, Alan’s son, Jake, | 艾伦的儿子 杰克 |
| [08:05] | had a five-year plan for the tenth grade. | 也有一个念完十年级的五年计划 |
| [08:08] | See, that’s why I liked your profile. | 瞧 这就是为什么我喜欢你们 |
| [08:11] | You have parenting experience. | 你当过父母 |
| [08:12] | Your sense of humor came through. | 我也喜欢你的幽默感 |
| [08:14] | And I kind of love that you’re gay. | 我有点喜欢你们是同性恋了 |
| [08:16] | Not as much as we do. | 肯定不及我们喜欢自己 |
| [08:19] | – Right, Wally Bear? – That’s right, Alley Cat. | -对吧 沃沃熊 -对的 艾艾猫 |
| [08:23] | Even though I’m not gonna be part of the baby’s life, | 即使我不能参与宝宝的人生 |
| [08:26] | I like the idea of being the only mom. | 但我也想做它唯一的妈咪 |
| [08:29] | I can totally understand that. | 这点我完全能理解 |
| [08:31] | Probably because my mom was an ice-cold, sharp-tongue alcoholic | 可能是因为我妈妈是个冷漠毒舌的酒鬼 |
| [08:34] | who preferred shopping and spas over spending time with me. | 喜欢整天购物和做美容 不喜欢跟我一起玩 |
| [08:37] | And I can totally understand that. | 这点我完全能理解 |
| [08:40] | So, tell me about you. | 跟我聊聊你们吧 |
| [08:41] | What made you guys decide to start a family? | 你们为什么想要组建家庭 |
| [08:44] | Uh, well, raising my son | 抚养我的儿子 |
| [08:46] | was one of the greatest experiences of my life, | 是我这辈子最重要的人生经历 |
| [08:49] | and I just wanted Walden to feel that same joy. | 我想沃顿也能拥有这份喜悦 |
| [08:52] | Yeah, I mean, for me it’s a couple reasons. | 是啊 对我而言有两个原因 |
| [08:54] | I-I felt like something was missing in my life, | 一是我感觉我人生好像缺少点什么 |
| [08:57] | and I wanted to give back, | 我想要回馈社会 |
| [08:59] | and having a kid will allow me to drive in the carpool lane. | 二是有了孩子 我才能用多人合用车道 |
| [09:05] | It’s nice to laugh again. | 能开怀大笑真好 |
| [09:07] | Except I just peed a little on your sofa. | 不过我刚笑尿了一点在你们的沙发上 |
| [09:10] | I’ll get you something. | 我帮你拿东西擦吧 |
| [09:11] | Oh, uh, actually, I got something right here. | 其实我手边正好有东西可以擦 |
| [09:17] | The baby just kicked. | 宝宝刚踢了我一下 |
| [09:18] | I felt it. | 我感觉到了 |
| [09:19] | Oh, looks like someone’s got a little soccer star in there. | 看来你肚子里住这个足球明星啊 |
| [09:23] | God, you smell good. | 天啊 你味道真好闻 |
| [09:26] | Alan, you want to come up for some air? | 艾伦 你想抬起头呼吸下新鲜空气吗 |
| [09:29] | Oh, sorry. | 抱歉 |
| [09:30] | Just got excited. | 我太兴奋了 |
| [09:32] | – About the baby. – Sure. | -因为宝宝 -当然 |
| [09:36] | So, uh, Kathy, | 那么凯西 |
| [09:37] | uh, do you know if it’s a boy or a girl? | 你知道肚子里的是男孩还是女孩吗 |
| [09:39] | I don’t, but your profile said | 我不知道 但你们的档案写 |
| [09:41] | you didn’t have a gender preference, right? | 你们没有性别偏好 不是吗 |
| [09:43] | Oh, that’s right. | 是的 |
| [09:44] | Just like me in my 20s. | 就像我20多岁时 男女通吃 |
| [09:48] | You guys crack me up. | 你们俩太好玩了 |
| [09:49] | You’re gonna make great dads. | 你们一定会是很棒的爸爸 |
| [09:51] | Oh, world’s greatest, according the coffee mugs I bought. | 根据我买的马克杯 应该是世界上最棒的爸爸 |
| [09:54] | Well, that’s good, because I made up my mind. | 那就好 因为我已经决定了 |
| [09:58] | I want you to have my baby. | 我要你们领养我的孩子 |
| [09:59] | – No! – Yes. | -不是吧 -是的 |
| [10:01] | Oh, my God! You did not just say that! | 天啊 你说的是真心话吗 |
| [10:03] | You bitch! | 你个小贱人 |
| [10:05] | Thank you, Kathy. | 谢谢 凯西 |
| [10:06] | Thank you, Vegas. | 谢谢 拉斯维加斯 |
| [10:07] | Thank you, broken condom. | 谢谢 破掉的套套 |
| [10:10] | Well, you can thank two-for-one tequila shots at the Tropicana. | 你可以谢谢果汁店买一赠一的龙舌兰酒 |
| [10:13] | Let’s not forget this little guy. | 别忘了肚子里那个小家伙哟 |
| [10:17] | Do you feel it moving? | 你感受到它动了吗 |
| [10:19] | I can feel it growing. | 我能感觉到”它”在”变大” |
| [10:31] | Okay, best shower gift: | 迎婴聚会最好的礼物 |
| [10:32] | Barry. Baby’s first bong. | 巴里 孩子的第一支烟枪 |
| [10:36] | Yep. | 对 |
| [10:36] | And just like the kid’s diaper, | 和孩子的尿片一样 |
| [10:38] | it’s full of stinky green stuff. | 里面都是邪恶[恶臭]的绿色东西 |
| [10:40] | The pizza’s on its way. | 披萨马上到 |
| [10:42] | In the meantime, uh, who wants a beer? | 在这个时候 谁想喝点啤酒 |
| [10:44] | Yeah. | 好啊 |
| [10:47] | There we go. | 开始喝吧 |
| [10:48] | Walden, you are gonna make a great dad. | 沃顿 你会是一个好爸爸 |
| [10:51] | And, Alan, you’ve already raised Jake, | 艾伦 杰克是你养大的 |
| [10:53] | so I guess just… do the opposite. | 所以 你就反着来养这个孩子吧 |
| [10:59] | I still can’t believe it’s even possible | 我仍然不敢相信 |
| [11:01] | for two men to have a baby. | 两个男人也能生孩子 |
| [11:03] | What an age we live in. | 这到底是什么时代啊 |
| [11:04] | Science, right? | 科学太先进了 对吧 |
| [11:09] | Larry, we’re-we’re not actually having a baby. | 拉里 这孩子不是我们生的 |
| [11:12] | We’re adopting. | 是我们领养的 |
| [11:14] | Ah, shooting blanks, huh? | 放”空枪”哈[无精或弱精症] |
| [11:18] | Well, I guess if Alan gets pregnant, | 如果艾伦怀孕了 |
| [11:19] | you’ll know he’s been cheating on you. | 你肯定就知道他偷人了 |
| [11:23] | So you two are really married, huh? | 你俩真的结婚了 |
| [11:25] | – Yep. – Yeah, crazy, isn’t it? | -对啊 -很疯狂吧 |
| [11:26] | No, I’ll tell you what’s crazy. | 不 我告诉你们什么才是疯狂 |
| [11:28] | You have never hit on me once, Walden. | 你从来也没想泡过我 沃顿 |
| [11:30] | I mean, we worked together every day, side by side, | 我们每天一起工作 面对面 |
| [11:33] | and not so much as a lingering glance | 从来没有长时间的对视过 |
| [11:35] | or a “Gee, you look nice today, Barry. | 也没听你说过”你今天挺帅 巴里” |
| [11:37] | “You lost a little weight, Barry? | “你是不是瘦了 巴里” |
| [11:39] | Those cargo shorts really flatter your calves, Barry.” | “这条工装短裤很显你的小腿肌肉 巴里” |
| [11:41] | No, man. | 不是的 老兄 |
| [11:43] | We got married so I could adopt a baby. | 我们结婚是为了领养一个孩子 |
| [11:46] | That… we’re a pretend couple. | 我们是假夫妻 |
| [11:48] | It’s kind of like your “Girlfriend in Canada.” | 就像你”在加拿大的女友” |
| [11:52] | Okay, Olivia is real. | 拜托 奥利维亚是真的 |
| [11:54] | I mean, just… Okay, look at these nude photos she sent me. | 好吧 看她发给我的裸照 |
| [11:58] | That’s Jennifer Lawrence. | 这是詹妮弗·劳伦斯[奥斯卡影后] |
| [12:01] | She gets that all the time. | 老是有人说她像 |
| [12:06] | In a couple days, I’m gonna be a dad. | 再过几天 我就是一位父亲了 |
| [12:09] | I’m gonna be completely responsible | 我即将为一个 |
| [12:11] | for the emotional and financial well-being | 毫无自理能力的人 |
| [12:13] | of someone who is completely incapable | 提供感情依托 |
| [12:15] | of taking care of themselves. | 和财产保障 |
| [12:17] | Thank you for being my test baby. | 谢谢你一直扮演”婴儿”的角色让我练手 |
| [12:21] | I’d keep my fingers crossed for a boy. | 我希望是个男孩 |
| [12:23] | Why? | 为什么 |
| [12:24] | Well, basic math. | 很简单的数学问题 |
| [12:25] | If you have a boy, you only have to worry about one penis. | 如果你有个儿子 你只需要担心一个鸡鸡 |
| [12:27] | You have a girl, you have to worry about them all. | 如果你有个女儿 你就得担心所有男人的鸡鸡 |
| [12:32] | Either way, you’re gonna love it. | 无论如何 你们都会爱孩子 |
| [12:34] | Being a father is the best thing in the world. | 当爸爸是世界上最幸福的事情 |
| [12:37] | How old are your kids? | 你的孩子多大了 |
| [12:38] | Well, my son is 15 | 我儿子15岁 |
| [12:39] | and my secret daughter is going to be 11 this year. | 我的私生女今年满11岁 |
| [12:43] | Your… your secret daughter? | 你的私生女 |
| [12:45] | Yeah, she looks a lot like my secret wife. | 对 她和我的情妇长得很像 |
| [12:54] | You know, kids are amazing. | 孩子就是这么神奇 |
| [12:56] | You know? You get to pass all this knowledge down | 你得把所有的知识都传授给他 |
| [12:59] | to this little person and-and shape their mind. | 塑造他的思想意识 |
| [13:01] | Like, you know, how to talk to girls | 比如 如何向女孩搭讪 |
| [13:03] | and how to be there for your friends when they need you. | 朋友需要你的时候 如何支持他们 |
| [13:06] | Oh, you can teach them your ability to always be in the bathroom | 你也可以教他们每回结账的时候 |
| [13:09] | whenever the dinner check comes. | 总能刚好在厕所的本事 |
| [13:12] | That’s pure instinct. | 那是本能 |
| [13:15] | Can’t be taught. | 教不了的 |
| [13:20] | You know, all my memories revolve around my dad. | 我所有的回忆都跟我爸相关 |
| [13:23] | The time he threw my Tamagotchi down the garbage disposal. | 他把我的电子宠物扔到垃圾处理机里 |
| [13:26] | Time he made a pass at my prom date. | 他和我的舞伴调情 |
| [13:29] | Time he divorced my mom and married my prom date. | 他和我妈离婚 娶了我的舞伴 |
| [13:35] | Guys. Guys, it’s the hospital. | 各位 各位 是医院打来的 |
| [13:37] | Oh, if it’s one of my patients, I’m not here. | 如果是我的病人 说我不在 |
| [13:40] | Oh, don’t worry. If I’m your kid’s doctor, | 别担心 如果我是你孩子的医生 |
| [13:42] | I won’t do that. | 我不会这么做 |
| [13:44] | It’s what you say. | 都是这么说的 |
| [13:46] | Kathy’s in labor! | 凯西快生了 |
| [13:47] | We got to go! | 我们得走了 |
| [13:48] | I’ll get an Uber. | 我叫车 |
| [13:49] | I’ll go grab the car seat. | 我去拿儿童座椅 |
| [13:50] | I’ll get the diaper bag. | 我去拿尿片包 |
| [13:53] | Oh, God, that’s the pizza guy. | 天啊 那是送披萨的小哥 |
| [13:54] | Um… hey, Alan, | 艾伦 |
| [13:56] | could you pay the pizza guy? | 你能把钱给披萨小哥吗 |
| [13:57] | I’m in the bathroom! | 我在厕所里 |
| [13:59] | How does he do it? | 他怎么做到的 |
| [14:06] | You know, I-I appreciate you guys coming, | 很感谢你们能来 |
| [14:08] | but you really don’t have to stay. | 但是你们不必留下来 |
| [14:10] | Are you kidding? We want to be here. | 开什么玩笑 我们愿意留下来 |
| [14:12] | You know what they say. | 有言道 |
| [14:13] | “To raise a child, it takes the Village People.” | “养一个娃 竭全村的力” |
| [14:17] | Hey, guys? | 各位 |
| [14:18] | I think I may have gotten way too high. | 我可能抽得太猛了 |
| [14:19] | Can somebody take me to the hospital? | 谁能送我去医院吗 |
| [14:22] | You’re in a hospital. | 你这不就在医院嘛 |
| [14:26] | How’d you do that? | 你怎么做到的 |
| [14:28] | I wonder why we haven’t heard anything. | 为什么我们什么声音都没听到 |
| [14:30] | They took Kathy to the delivery room, like, an hour ago. | 他们把凯西带去产房 有一个小时了吧 |
| [14:33] | Sometimes the baby just doesn’t want to come out. | 有时候 婴儿就是不想出来 |
| [14:35] | I mean, put yourself in its position. | 你设身处地想想 |
| [14:37] | For nine months, you’ve been floating | 九个月以来 |
| [14:39] | in the world’s nicest waterbed. | 你一直沉浸在世界上最好的水床里 |
| [14:40] | Then somebody opens a trap door, | 突然有个人打开了活门 |
| [14:42] | all the water flows out, | 水全部流走了 |
| [14:43] | a set of salad tongs grabs you by the head | 一把钳子把你钳住 |
| [14:45] | and yanks you out, | 把你拽出来 |
| [14:46] | and then some guy you never seen before | 然后一个你从未见过的男人 |
| [14:47] | starts slapping you on the ass. | 开始拍你的屁股 |
| [14:50] | Reminds me of a trip I took to Tijuana once. | 让我想起我去提华纳[墨西哥]的那次旅行 |
| [14:54] | Aw, look at how cute that one is. | 看她多可爱啊 |
| [14:57] | Yeah, she’s got a nice rack, too. | 对啊 奶子也不错 |
| [15:00] | What are you looking at? | 你在看什么呢 |
| [15:01] | The hot nurse. What are you looking at? | 那个性感的护士 你们在看什么 |
| [15:04] | That baby. | 那个孩子 |
| [15:05] | Ugh! You guys are sick. | 你们真变态 |
| [15:10] | So have you guys decided on a name for the baby yet? | 你们给孩子取名字了吗 |
| [15:12] | – Oh, no, not yet. – No. | -没 还没 -还没 |
| [15:14] | It’s such a big responsibility. | 压力挺大的 |
| [15:15] | I don’t want to give him a name | 我不想给他取一个 |
| [15:17] | that other kids can make fun of. | 会被其他小孩取笑的名字 |
| [15:18] | Well, bad news. Every name can be made fun of. | 不幸的是 每一个名字都会被取笑 |
| [15:21] | That’s not true. | 这不可能 |
| [15:22] | Really? | 是吗 |
| [15:23] | How’s your pond, Walden? | 沃顿 你的湖还好吗 |
| [15:26] | It’s an intellectual insult, but it still stings. | 比较有深度的嘲讽 不过还是挺伤人 |
| [15:31] | I was “Larry the fairy” all through high school. | 我中学的时候被人叫做”牙仙拉里”[音似] |
| [15:34] | Oh, no way! I was “Barry the fairy.” | 不是吧 我是”牙仙巴里” |
| [15:37] | Somebody noticed that you could rearrange | 有人把我的名字艾伦 |
| [15:39] | the letters of “Alan,” And I became | 重新排列后 就变成了 |
| [15:41] | “Little Anal Harper.” | “小肛门·哈勃” |
| [15:44] | My name’s “Herb.” | 我的名字是”赫伯”[草药] |
| [15:45] | Kids skipped the clever puns | 大家没有费劲想哏 |
| [15:46] | and just shoved my head down a toilet. | 就直接把我脑袋塞在马桶里 |
| [15:49] | Well, I’m sure there are plenty of names | 肯定有很多名字 |
| [15:50] | that kids can’t make jokes about. | 是不会被小孩拿来取笑的 |
| [15:53] | Mr. and Mr. Harper-Schmidt? | 两位哈勃-施密特先生 |
| [15:55] | Yeah, nothing to worry about there. | 这姓氏也不用担心被人笑 |
| [15:56] | Just the hyphenated last name of the two gay dads. | 两个基佬爹的姓氏用连字符连住而已 |
| [15:59] | So how’s Kathy? | 凯西怎么样了 |
| [16:01] | She’s doing fine. | 她很好 |
| [16:02] | So is your brand-new baby boy. | 好的还有你们刚出生的儿子 |
| [16:05] | Oh, my God, we got a boy! | 天啊 我们有儿子了 |
| [16:08] | I get a do-over for Jake! | 我可以把杰克返厂换新了 |
| [16:10] | I only have to worry about one penis! | 我只用担心一条鸡鸡了 |
| [16:13] | I like to wear women’s underwear! | 我喜欢穿女人内裤 |
| [16:16] | What? | 什么 |
| [16:18] | I thought we were confessing things. | 我以为大家是在坦白秘密 |
| [16:22] | There he is. | 他来了 |
| [16:27] | He’s got your nose and Alan’s eyes. | 他鼻子像你 眼睛像艾伦 |
| [16:31] | Larry, I told you before that… | 拉里 我告诉你了… |
| [16:34] | Thank you, Larry. | 谢谢 拉里 |
| [16:36] | Look at him. He’s so amazing. | 看他 多神奇 |
| [16:39] | I can’t think of anything more beautiful | 想不出现在还有什么能比 |
| [16:40] | than what I’m looking at right now. | 就这么看着他更美好的事了 |
| [16:42] | Yeah. Mm-hmm. It’s true, that’s the truth. | 是啊 说的太对了 |
| [16:44] | But how much more beautiful would it be | 但如果那俩俏护士现在开始亲热 |
| [16:47] | if those two nurses just started making out right now? | 是不是会更加美好 |
| [16:49] | Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. | 是啊 说的太对了 |
| [16:57] | How you doing? | 你还好吗 |
| [16:59] | I’m good. | 挺好的 |
| [17:01] | Tired. | 除了累 |
| [17:02] | Sore. | 还有疼 |
| [17:04] | Look at this little guy. | 看这个小男子汉 |
| [17:06] | Can I hold him? | 能让我抱抱吗 |
| [17:08] | Uh, sure. | 当然 |
| [17:12] | Oh, he is the cutest thing ever. | 他是世上最美的东西 |
| [17:17] | Hey, hey… high-five. | 来来 击个掌吧 |
| [17:19] | You can owe me. | 算你欠我的 |
| [17:21] | Welcome to the world, little buddy. | 欢迎降生到世界 小家伙 |
| [17:24] | We’re gonna have so much fun. | 我们会有很多欢乐的 |
| [17:26] | We’re gonna go to ball games together | 一起去玩球 |
| [17:28] | and go swimming together | 一起去游泳 |
| [17:30] | and pick up chick… ens together. | 一起去泡…泡椒凤爪 |
| [17:33] | Smile. Come on. | 笑一个 快 |
| [17:36] | Okay, uh… | 好 |
| [17:37] | Oh, oh, oh. Look at that picture. | 看看这照片 |
| [17:40] | The two most handsome men in the world. | 全世界最帅的两个男人 |
| [17:43] | And they’re both mine. | 都是我的 |
| [17:47] | Oh, what’s the matter? | 怎么了 |
| [17:48] | Uh, maybe he wants his mommy. | 可能想找妈妈了 |
| [17:49] | Oh, all right, come here, little buddy. | 好的 来妈妈这 小宝贝 |
| [17:51] | Uh, I think he might be hungry. | 我是说他可能饿了 |
| [17:53] | Oh, of course. | 当然了 |
| [17:54] | Oh, yeah, of course. | 对 没错 |
| [17:56] | Okay, here. | 来 给你 |
| [17:57] | There. | 抱住 |
| [18:00] | I miss him already. | 我已经开始思念他了 |
| [18:02] | Yeah, it’s hard to let him go. | 是啊 爱不释手 |
| [18:06] | Actually, it’s impossible. | 其实是 无法放手 |
| [18:11] | I am so sorry. | 非常抱歉 |
| [18:15] | Wait. What, uh… what just happened? | 等等 刚刚发生什么了 |
| [18:17] | Did I… did I miss something? | 我错过剧情了吗 |
| [18:21] | She’s keeping the baby. | 她准备留下孩子 |
| [18:25] | But what-what about law school? | 那法学院怎么办 |
| [18:27] | The-the five-year plan? | 五年计划呢 |
| [18:29] | After I saw this little guy… | 当我看到这个小家伙之后… |
| [18:32] | the plan changed. | 计划就变了 |
| [18:35] | I mean, before, I couldn’t imagine my life with him. | 以前我无法想象有他的生活是怎样的 |
| [18:40] | Now I can’t imagine it without him. | 现在我是无法想象没有他会怎样 |
| [18:43] | But… but he’s gonna be a great dad. | 但…他会是一个出色的父亲 |
| [18:46] | – Alan… – No, no. H-He loves him. | -艾伦 -不 他爱他 |
| [18:48] | Alan, it’s… | 艾伦 这… |
| [18:50] | Okay, let’s-let’s just approach this practically. | 好吧 我们直接说点实际的 |
| [18:52] | Um… how much for the kid? | 孩子多少钱 |
| [18:53] | Uh, I have, uh, | 我有 |
| [18:54] | I have $32 on me. | 有32美元 |
| [18:56] | I’m gonna need three dollars for dinner at AMPM, | 我得留3元去超商买晚饭 |
| [18:58] | but the rest is yours. | 剩下的都归你了 |
| [18:59] | Believe me, I feel terrible. | 我说真的 我也很难过 |
| [19:01] | You feel terrible? | 你还难过 |
| [19:03] | We’re-we’re gonna be driving home with an empty car seat. | 我们要开着婴儿安全椅没人坐的车回家 |
| [19:05] | And you know what’s waiting for us when we get there? | 你知道等我们到家会面对什么吗 |
| [19:08] | An empty nursery. An empty crib. | 一间空婴儿房和一张空婴儿床 |
| [19:10] | An empty… uh, uh…. | 一个空… |
| [19:11] | What’s that Swedish thing | 那瑞典东西叫什么来着 |
| [19:13] | that, uh, that you wear like a pouch, | 那个能穿在身上的育儿袋 |
| [19:14] | to carry your baby around like a kangaroo? | 你可以像袋鼠一样带着宝宝 |
| [19:17] | Bjorn. | 比约登背带 |
| [19:18] | An empty Bjorn! | 一个空比约登背带 |
| [19:19] | An empty blue baby Bjorn! | 一个蓝色的空比约登背带 |
| [19:22] | Hard to say, but even harder to face. | 发音难 面对它更难 |
| [19:24] | Alan, just… stop. | 艾伦 别说了 |
| [19:28] | It’s okay. | 没关系 |
| [19:31] | I wouldn’t be able to give him up either, | 换成是我也不会放弃他的 |
| [19:33] | so I don’t blame you. | 所以我不会怪你 |
| [19:34] | Really? | 真的吗 |
| [19:36] | I get it. You’re his mom. | 我懂 你是他的母亲 |
| [19:38] | I’m so sorry to put you through all this. | 让你经历这些事真是非常抱歉 |
| [19:40] | Don’t be sorry. | 不用抱歉 |
| [19:42] | He’s… lucky. | 他很幸运 |
| [19:44] | You’re both… very lucky. | 你们都很…幸运 |
| [19:50] | This man is a saint. | 这就是个圣人 |
| [19:53] | A damn saint. | 他妈的大圣人 |
| [19:54] | Let’s go. | 我们走 |
| [19:56] | Say good-bye, Elliot. | 说再见 艾略特 |
| [19:58] | – More like “Smelliot.” – Alan. | -听着像”挨虐的” -艾伦 |
| [20:01] | You doing okay? | 你还好吗 |
| [20:12] | Yeah. | 好 |
| [20:14] | Can you show me the picture of him? | 再给我看看他的照片吧 |
| [20:16] | Oh, please, don’t put yourself through this. | 行了 你别再给自己找罪受了 |
| [20:18] | Come on, just one more time. | 求你了 就再看一次 |
| [20:20] | Okay. | 好吧 |
| [20:21] | Here. | 给 |
| [20:25] | Look at him. | 看看他 |
| [20:28] | He’s perfect. | 完美的宝贝 |
| [20:32] | I’m sorry this didn’t work out as planned. | 很遗憾这计划没有成功 |
| [20:37] | He still owes me a high-five. | 他还欠我一个击掌呢 |
| [20:40] | Don’t worry. | 别担心 |
| [20:42] | We’ll find our kid. | 我们会找到孩子的 |
| [20:46] | I know. | 我知道 |
| [20:48] | In the meantime, you’re still married to me. | 与此同时 你还是我老公 |
| [20:53] | Yes, I am. | 没错 我还是 |
| [20:58] | Why couldn’t Kathy take you and give me the baby?! | 为什么凯西不把你带走 孩子留给我呢 |