| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| [00:00] | See, even the greatest writers have been forced to take the odd job. | 即便是最伟大的作家也不得不打些零工 |
| [00:03] | Faulkner was a mailman. | 福克纳当过邮递员 |
| [00:05] | Kafka, a clerk! | 卡夫卡当过办事员 |
| [00:08] | Now, as you have said, | 如你们所说 |
| [00:09] | the novelization market is blowing up in a “Ginormous” Way. | 小说市场正在以”火箭般的速度”膨胀 |
| [00:15] | So I have prepared a list of films | 所以我已经准备了一份 |
| [00:18] | that I would agree to novelize for your company. | 我愿意为你们公司改编成小说的电影清单 |
| [00:22] | The Seven Samurai, | 《七武士》 |
| [00:23] | The 400 blows, | 《四百击》 |
| [00:25] | Thirty two short films about Glenn Gould… | 《关于古尔德的32部短片》 |
| [00:27] | Uh, Jimmy, we’re gonna stop you right there. | 吉米 我们得打断你一下了 |
| [00:29] | They don’t all have numbers in the title. | 不是所有电影名字都含有数字啦 |
| [00:30] | We aren’t the department that handles film novelization. | 我们不是负责电影改编小说的部门 |
| [00:33] | We’re in charge of literary cross-promotion | 我们负责的是为母公司伯格·霍尔 |
| [00:36] | for all entities owned by our parent company– burger Hole. | 旗下的所有企业 进行文学交叉推广 |
| [00:41] | What does that mean? | 什么意思 |
| [00:42] | We prioritize more amorphous in-house ideas | 我们将优先发展一些无定型的内部创意 |
| [00:45] | sparked by properties in the Burger Hole multiverse | 都是由伯格·霍尔多元集团旗下的一些 |
| [00:48] | that have the most mental real estate. | 最具精神地产潜质的业务激发的灵感 |
| [00:50] | Uh, for instance, uh, this just came in yesterday. | 比如 这是昨天刚送过来的 |
| [00:53] | Uh, corporate was thinking of something involving | 公司在考虑一些有关… |
| [00:56] | French fries? | 法式炸薯条的 |
| [00:57] | Could be a “Fish out of water” thing. | 例如”离水之鱼”什么的 |
| [00:59] | Or how about this new theme park ride– the dragonator? | 或者全新的主题公园飞车 飞车龙 |
| [01:02] | It’s a dragon with a goddamn roller coaster for a tail. | 就是一只尾巴是过山车的龙 |
| [01:06] | Maybe he’s a single dad. | 他可能是个单身父亲 |
| [01:08] | I don’t know. | 我也说不清 |
| [01:10] | You’re the writer. | 你才是大作家嘛 |
| [01:12] | Do you have anything with an actual narrative? | 你们有什么实际的故事要创作吗 |
| [01:14] | Uh, we do have some tv projects | 我们倒是有一些电视剧项目 |
| [01:17] | that are open for literary pollination. | 可以进行文学方面的改造 |
| [01:22] | There’s, uh, Bones, | 有《识骨寻踪》 |
| [01:23] | Property Brothers, | 《地产兄弟》 |
| [01:25] | The Slap. | 《一记耳光》 |
| [01:26] | There’s caught on camera with Nick Cannon, | 以及《尼克·坎农镜头大曝光》 |
| [01:28] | NCIS La, dog with a blog… | 《海军罪案调查处：洛杉矶篇》 《狗狗博客》 |
| [01:31] | Sorry, NCIS: La?! | 等等 你说《海军罪案调查处：洛杉矶篇》 吗 |
| [01:33] | You’re a fan? | 你是那剧粉丝吗 |
| [01:35] | Heard of it. | 听说过 |
| [01:36] | Oh, who am I kidding? It’s my favorite! | 我开玩笑呢 那剧是我的最爱啊 |
| [01:39] | Oh, great! | 太好了 |
| [01:40] | We’ll send start papers and parameters, | 我们会发给你一些基本的要素 |
| [01:42] | But you will be imagineering your own original story. | 但你得自己去写出原创故事 |
| [01:45] | What?! | 什么 |
| [01:46] | Here’s a copy of the show bible. | 那些是剧集重要信息文档 |
| [01:48] | Oh, do not need it! | 我不需要啊 |
| [01:50] | But I’ll take it. | 但我还是拿着吧 |
| [02:13] | Sam, I’m sure they meant | 山姆 我相信他们 |
| [02:15] | “Soft-ass poseur bitch” in a meta way. | 说”娘娘腔装逼婊”是别的意思 |
| [02:18] | You guys are in a fake fight! | 你们是在假装闹不和 |
| [02:20] | Keyword– “Fake.” | 关键词 “假装的” |
| [02:22] | No, don’t hang… | 不 别挂… |
| [02:23] | Goddamn it! | 该死 |
| [02:28] | Ooh, I love dumb procedurals. | 我爱傻兮兮的程式类剧集 |
| [02:31] | Wash over me, garbage. | 放马过来吧 垃圾玩意儿 |
| [02:32] | Numb my brain. | 麻痹我的大脑 |
| [02:33] | Make me feel nothing. | 让我失去感觉 |
| [02:34] | Okay, that is elitism, Gretchen. | 行了 你那是精英主义 格雷琴 |
| [02:36] | Would you have dismissed Dickens for being popular? | 你会因为狄更斯太受欢迎就不喜欢他了吗 |
| [02:39] | David Copperfield… didn’t even do any magic. | 大卫·科波菲尔 根本没表演过魔术 |
| [02:42] | Ooh, ya burnt, Dickens! | 去死吧 狄更斯 |
| [02:45] | Why are there so many naval crimes, anyway? | 怎么会有那么多海军犯罪啊 |
| [02:47] | Oh, navy’s villains. | 海军恶棍 |
| [02:48] | They’re one degree from pirates. | 他们跟海盗简直差不多 |
| [02:54] | Play with me. | 跟我玩吧 |
| [02:54] | Right! | 好了 |
| [02:55] | Shut up, both of you! All right? | 你们俩都闭嘴 好吗 |
| [02:58] | This is my job now. | 这现在是我的工作 |
| [03:00] | It’s your-your job? | 这是你的…工作 |
| [03:02] | Jimmy… You’re not writing recaps, are you? | 吉米 你不会是在写剧集概要吧 |
| [03:06] | Oh, Jimmy. | 吉米 |
| [03:07] | Are you grading this episode? | 你是要给这一集评分吗 |
| [03:08] | No! | 不 |
| [03:10] | I am writing the official novelization of the show. | 我在写这个剧的官方小说 |
| [03:15] | Seriously? | 真的吗 |
| [03:16] | I am super impressed. | 我觉得你超级了不起 |
| [03:18] | Right. Everybody out, so I can work. | 好了 所有人都出去 这样我才能工作 |
| [03:22] | Out! | 出去 |
| [03:23] | Fine. | 好吧 |
| [03:24] | – You, too. – Oh, no problem. | -你也出去 -没问题 |
| [03:26] | I’ve got to get to my improv comedy class. | 我得去上我的即兴喜剧课了 |
| [03:29] | And, yeah, I’ve been waiting to tell you guys. | 而且没错 我一直在等着告诉你们 |
| [03:31] | It’s this really cool and exciting new thing | 这真的是我人生中非常酷 |
| [03:33] | I’m doing with my life. | 非常激动人心的全新体验 |
| [03:37] | I’ll tell you more about it later. | 我以后再跟你们详细说说 |
| [03:39] | Bye, Jimmy. | 再见 吉米 |
| [04:14] | – Hello? – This is customer number 7532. | -你好 -我是7532号顾客 |
| [04:18] | I don’t know how much time I have. | 我不知道我有多少时间 |
| [04:20] | Send over one of the tall ones. | 给我送个高个儿的来 |
| [04:24] | Asian. | 亚洲的 |
| [04:33] | Oh, my god! | 天呐 |
| [04:34] | What is this?! | 这是干什么 |
| [04:35] | Why is this?! | 为什么这样 |
| [04:37] | I thought you’d gone. | 我以为你已经走了 |
| [04:38] | I forgot my fro-yo punch card. | 我忘了我的冻酸奶积分卡 |
| [04:40] | What is this, even? | 你到底在搞毛啊 |
| [04:42] | None of your business! | 跟你没关系啦 |
| [04:46] | Erotic Tales? | 《色情故事集》 |
| [04:51] | “By Jimmy Shive-overly, age 11”?! | 吉米·希瓦-奥弗利著 11岁 |
| [04:55] | Still holds up. | 依然不过时[坚挺] |
| [04:58] | This is the most Jimmy thing you have ever done. | 真是我见你做过的最具吉米风格的事 |
| [05:35] | Excuse me, sir? | 抱歉 先生 |
| [05:36] | You may be a dog, | 你也许是条狗 |
| [05:38] | but that doesn’t make you handicapped. | 但那并不意味着你是个残障 |
| [05:41] | And scene! | 退场 |
| [05:42] | Great callback, Edgar. | 很棒的联动段子 埃德加 |
| [05:44] | Awesome class, you guys. | 大家都学得很棒 |
| [05:46] | Good work. | 很不错 |
| [05:47] | Good work. | 非常棒 |
| [05:49] | Oh, and hey, you guys. | 对了各位 |
| [05:50] | My group Hey, put that down Brian! | 我的喜剧团队 “嘿 记下 布莱恩” |
| [05:52] | has a show tomorrow night, so, you guys, please come. | 明晚有个演出 所以恳请各位来看 |
| [05:56] | Just kidding, don’t come, don’t come. | 开玩笑的 别来 别来 |
| [05:57] | I don’t want you to come. | 我不想让你们来 |
| [05:58] | Seriously, though, if you don’t come, | 但是说真的 如果你们不来 |
| [05:59] | I’ll kill myself, so please come. | 我会自杀的 所以还是来吧 |
| [06:02] | Bye, guys! Thank you. | 再见 各位 谢谢 |
| [06:05] | Uh, so, so, uh, Dorothy, | 所以 多洛希 |
| [06:07] | You’re in Brian?! | 你在布莱恩团里吗 |
| [06:08] | I didn’t know they had a girl. | 我都不知道他们团里有女生 |
| [06:10] | Yeah, yeah, that’s me. | 是啊是啊 就是我 |
| [06:11] | The lone vulva. | 唯一的女人 |
| [06:12] | That’s the team with tall Nathan, right? | 高内森也在你们团队里 对吧 |
| [06:14] | Yeah, and Kyle and Josh. | 没错 还有凯尔和乔希 |
| [06:16] | You know them? | 你认识他们吗 |
| [06:17] | Nah, I only met tall Nathan once. | 不认识 我只见过高内森一次 |
| [06:18] | But I’m a huge fan. | 但我是他的超级粉丝 |
| [06:20] | In one scene he played a dude | 有一次他演了一个 |
| [06:22] | that doesn’t understand sarcasm. | 不理解讽刺的家伙 |
| [06:26] | – So funny. – Yeah. | -超级搞笑 -是啊 |
| [06:29] | You want to help me pick up the chairs? | 你能帮我收拾椅子吗 |
| [06:32] | Absolutely. | 当然了 |
| [06:33] | Cool. | 好极了 |
| [06:37] | That’s really great space work. | 无实物表演非常棒 |
| [06:39] | Um, I meant the actual chairs. | 但我指的是真的椅子 |
| [06:41] | Ah, of course you did. | 当然了 |
| [06:44] | Stupid. | 我真蠢 |
| [06:46] | How’s work? | 工作怎么样 |
| [06:47] | Are you still in charge of that fake rap feud? | 你还在管那个假说唱矛盾的事吗 |
| [06:50] | Ugh, it’s gone completely off the rails. | 已经彻底失控了 |
| [06:52] | Honey Nutz and Shitstain | 蜜蛋和施斯坦 |
| [06:53] | wrote a dis track about how Sam has pepperoni nipples, | 写了一首有关山姆有腊肠奶头的歌 |
| [06:56] | so he told his fans to murder them in world of Warcraft. | 所以他让他的粉丝在魔兽世界里杀了他俩 |
| [06:59] | – What have you been up to? – Not a lot. | -你最近忙什么 -没什么 |
| [07:01] | Little of this, little of that. | 忙点这个 忙点那个 |
| [07:04] | Shot a condom full of piping hot semen into my vaj. | 往我的阴道里射了一安全套滚烫的精子 |
| [07:08] | How’s the cake batter? | 蛋糕糊怎么样 |
| [07:10] | First of all, are you okay?! | 首先 你还好吗 |
| [07:11] | I’m fine. | 我没事 |
| [07:12] | I mean, I won’t be riding a horse anytime soon. | 短期内我不能再骑马了 |
| [07:15] | But I’m already banned from the equestrian center. | 但反正我也已经被禁止进入马术中心了 |
| [07:17] | And secondly, what?! Why?! | 其次 搞毛啊 为什么啊 |
| [07:20] | I was just so upset about Paul. | 我就是因为保罗太难过了 |
| [07:22] | And the idea of him shoving his ding dong | 一想到他把他的丁丁 |
| [07:24] | into that beer cooze’s hand-pussy. | 插入啤酒套妹的手中操射就难过 |
| [07:27] | And Edgar’s been so weird and clingy lately. | 埃德加最近又很古怪 很粘人 |
| [07:30] | It’s like I can’t think straight | 那些男人塞满我的大脑 |
| [07:32] | with these guys clogging up my brain! | 我都没办法理智思考了 |
| [07:39] | Seriously. | 说真的 |
| [07:40] | I spend all day dealing with my dumb rapper babies. | 我一整天都在和那几个说唱熊孩子打交道 |
| [07:43] | And when I get home, there’s Jimmy and Edgar. | 回到家时 又要面对吉米和埃德加 |
| [07:45] | And then the one chance I get to sneak away | 当我终于有机会溜出来 |
| [07:47] | for a quick hang with the Louise to my Thelma… | 让露易丝与希尔玛小聚时… |
| [07:49] | Who are they? | 她们是谁 |
| [07:49] | – and all we talk about is men! – I know! | -我们谈论的却是男人 -我也觉得 |
| [07:51] | We are complex women with rich inner lives. | 我们是情感丰富的复杂女性 |
| [07:55] | For god’s sakes, let’s act like it | 拜托 我们得表现出来 |
| [07:56] | and discuss something other than dicks | 不能再讨论那些男人的鸡巴 |
| [07:58] | and the dildos they hang off of. | 和假鸡巴的话题了 |
| [07:59] | I’m in. | 我同意 |
| [08:07] | So… | 那个… |
| [08:08] | So… | 那个… |
| [08:11] | I know. | 我想到了 |
| [08:12] | There was just this really grody murder in Alabama | 阿拉巴马州发生一起很可怕的凶杀案 |
| [08:15] | where this woman thought her kids were demons, | 一个女人认为自己的孩子是恶魔 |
| [08:18] | so she drowned all eight of them | 于是把他们8个全都淹死了 |
| [08:19] | and dressed them up like Victorian dolls. | 又把他们打扮成维多利亚娃娃 |
| [08:22] | Postpartum murders are so big psycho. | 产后谋杀真是重大精神疾病 |
| [08:25] | Maybe we can talk about powerful women? | 或许我们可以聊聊女强人 |
| [08:27] | like George Clooney’s wife, Amal Clooney? | 比如乔治·克鲁尼的妻子 阿玛尔·克鲁尼 |
| [08:29] | She’s both super accomplished and absolutely stunning. | 她不仅才华横溢 而且美丽动人 |
| [08:32] | She a’ight. | 她还不错 |
| [08:34] | I guess we can shit-talk women we know. | 我们可以八卦一下认识的女人 |
| [08:36] | – That’s within the rules, right? – Ooh, we can?! | -也是符合规则的吧 -好啊 可以啊 |
| [08:38] | Like Becca? | 比如贝卡 |
| [08:40] | Ugh, that sausage wallet. | 那个香肠荷包 |
| [08:41] | Sausage wallet? | “香肠”荷包 |
| [08:42] | I hope she gets pregnancy ‘rhoids and they leave her bedridden, | 我希望她得孕妇痔疮 只能卧床不起 |
| [08:46] | and I have to raise her baby myself. | 我不得不养大她的孩子 |
| [08:48] | I’d parent the shit out of her. | 我会好好管教她女儿的 |
| [08:50] | “Wear that skirt. Don’t blow that boy. | “穿这条裙子 别给那个男孩跪舔 |
| [08:53] | This is pizza!” | 这个叫做披萨” |
| [08:55] | Time-out! Who are we? | 打住 我们这是怎么了 |
| [08:57] | We can’t talk about men, | 我们不谈论男人 |
| [08:58] | so we’re talking about babies, living and dead? | 就只能谈论孩子吗 死的活的孩子 |
| [09:00] | Weak sauce. We can do better than this! | 太弱了 我们可以做到更好 |
| [09:02] | Oh, you’re right. | 你说得没错 |
| [09:04] | Men have ruined our damn minds! | 男人们毁了我们的思想 |
| [09:12] | Tomorrow we’ll meet up for breakfast | 明天我们一起吃早餐 |
| [09:13] | with prepared lists of interesting, non-dude topics. | 准备好一系列有趣的无男人话题 |
| [09:16] | Yes! | 很好 |
| [09:18] | This is feminism, right? | 这是女权主义 对吗 |
| [09:21] | Yes, it is. | 是啊 没错 |
| [09:34] | You guys can’t come in here anymore. | 你们两个以后不许来了 |
| [09:37] | Morning. | 早啊 |
| [09:38] | – How’s it going? – Not great. | -进展如何 -不太好 |
| [09:39] | There are so many moving parts to the NCIS universe. | 《海军罪案调查处》系列有太多故事分支 |
| [09:43] | It’s quite daunting, really. | 任务相当艰巨 真的 |
| [09:48] | I’m sorry. | 不好意思 |
| [09:49] | I was thinking about something funny | 我想起一些在即兴表演课上 |
| [09:51] | that happened in improv class. | 发生的趣事 |
| [09:52] | We were all driving cars, and I said, | 我们都在开车 然后我说 |
| [09:54] | “Excuse me, sir, you may be a dog, | “抱歉 先生 你也许是条狗 |
| [09:56] | but you’re not handicapped, are you?” | 但你不是个残障 不是吗” |
| [10:00] | It was a callback. | 那是个联动段子 |
| [10:02] | If you’re interested in watching some, | 如果你有兴趣去看看 |
| [10:04] | I stuck the calendar on the fridge. | 冰箱上贴着我的日程表 |
| [10:06] | In fact, I’m going to my teacher Dorothy’s show tonight. | 实际上 我今晚要去看多洛希老师的表演 |
| [10:09] | She’s in Hey, put that down Brian! You should come. | 她是”嘿 记下 布莱恩”喜剧团的 你应该来看下 |
| [10:11] | Oh, that sounds really, really fun, | 听起来真的相当好玩 |
| [10:14] | but you know what I think I’d rather do? | 但你知道我宁愿做什么吗 |
| [10:16] | Stab myself in the bowels. | 我宁愿切腹 |
| [10:18] | Okay. | 好吧 |
| [10:19] | You know what I’d rather experience than long-form improv? | 你知道相比沉长的即兴表演 我更希望体验什么吗 |
| [10:22] | Long-form bone cancer. | 晚期骨癌 |
| [10:23] | – Point taken. – No, I don’t think it is. | -我明白了 -不 我觉得没有 |
| [10:24] | See, you just described an improvised comedy scene to me. | 知道吗 你给我描述了一段即兴喜剧场景 |
| [10:28] | That’s worse than telling someone | 那还不如跟别人 |
| [10:29] | about a dream that doesn’t feature them sexually. | 说一段丧失性别色彩的梦 |
| [10:32] | I mean, you’ve had some awful, awful hobbies, | 你有一些很糟的业余爱好 |
| [10:34] | but this is by far the worst. | 但这个是目前为止最糟的 |
| [10:36] | And I’m including heroin | 而且我都算上吸毒了 |
| [10:37] | and not knowing things are a school. | 以及不知道学校什么的 |
| [10:39] | I didn’t know it was a school. | 我当时真不知道那是学校 |
| [10:49] | All right, Lindsers, I have here a list of things To talk about, | 琳子 我列了一些可以谈论的话题 |
| [10:53] | none of which involve stupid men. | 没有一个是和臭男人有关的 |
| [10:56] | First off, “Our mothers | 第一个 “我们的母亲 |
| [10:57] | and how their pathology messed us up.” | 以及她们的疾病是如何把我们坑惨的” |
| [10:59] | Maybe it’s all their fault. | 或许都是她们的错 |
| [11:00] | Yeah. Sure. | 是的 当然 |
| [11:01] | But what about “Isis.” | 不过 “艾希斯”如何 |
| [11:04] | Isis? Oh, I don’t think they have those here. | 艾希斯 我觉得这家店没有那东西吧 |
| [11:06] | I’m talking about the Islamic state, Gretch. | 我是在说伊斯兰国 格雷琴 |
| [11:09] | They formed their own “Cellophane.” | 他们自己研制了”玻璃纸” |
| [11:11] | Do you think Obama has a strategy to neutralize them, | 你觉得奥巴马会消灭他们吗 |
| [11:14] | or will O-bummer betray America | 还是奥帮主会背叛美国 |
| [11:16] | like he did with Benghazi? | 就像他背叛班加西一样 |
| [11:18] | What the hell’s going on? | 你这是怎么了 |
| [11:20] | You told me not to think about dicks, | 你叫我不去想鸡巴的 |
| [11:22] | so my brain got real bored | 我的大脑感到非常无聊 |
| [11:24] | and I started reading these web sites, | 于是我开始阅读那些网站 |
| [11:25] | and then some other web sites | 然后是另外一些 |
| [11:27] | that disagreed with the first web sites. | 和第一批看到的意见不同的网站 |
| [11:30] | Did you know about global warming? | 你知道全球变暖现象吗 |
| [11:32] | It’s a huge threat, but at the same time | 那是严重的威胁 但与此同时 |
| [11:34] | is made up by a bunch of socialist lib-tards. | 是一群社会主义自由党派编造出来的 |
| [11:37] | My question is, who benefits? | 我的问题是 受益者是谁 |
| [11:39] | You have to follow the money, Gretch. | 你必须重点关注资金流向 格雷琴 |
| [11:41] | Big oil, the middle east. | 石油巨头 中东 |
| [11:43] | Benghazi! | 班加西 |
| [11:44] | I don’t want to talk about Benghazi. | 我不想讨论班加西 |
| [11:45] | Nobody does! | 没人想 |
| [11:46] | And the Koch brothers? | 至于科赫兄弟呢 |
| [11:48] | For some great patriots, | 那些伟大的爱国人士 |
| [11:49] | it’s dedicated to upholding the constitution… | 致力于对宪法的维护… |
| [12:02] | Chapter 13. | 第13章 |
| [12:03] | Our heroes race to stop Chechen terrorists | 主人公争分夺秒阻止车臣恐怖分子 |
| [12:06] | from blowing the H… | 炸掉”好莱坞标志牌”的 |
| [12:08] | Off the Hollywood sign. | 首字母”H” |
| [12:09] | But oh, no. | 但情况不妙 |
| [12:11] | There’s an ambush. | 敌人有埋伏 |
| [12:13] | They’ve been double-crossed. | 他们被内鬼出卖了 |
| [12:17] | I’m not sure it tracks. | 我觉得好像条理不通吧 |
| [12:18] | I know it doesn’t, goddamn it! | 我知道不通 该死的 |
| [12:20] | Can I go back to school? | 我可以回学校了吗 |
| [12:21] | My mom says I’m the man of the house now | 我妈说我现在是一家之主了 |
| [12:23] | and that I have to get an education. | 我必须去接受教育 |
| [12:24] | Sorry, when I gave you that sleeve of pop-tarts, | 不好意思 我之前给你那块水果馅饼 |
| [12:26] | was that for your help or your biography? | 是为了请你帮忙 还是要听你叨逼的 |
| [12:34] | Jimmy! How’s it coming? | 吉米 进展如何了 |
| [12:37] | I’m sorry, female executive, I can’t do it. | 抱歉 女主管 我做不到 |
| [12:39] | I’m a fraud of a writer. | 我是个烂作家 |
| [12:41] | Can’t I just write the roller coaster book? | 能不能让我写过山车那本书 |
| [12:43] | We already gave that to Neil Gaiman. | 那个我们已经给尼尔·盖曼了 |
| [12:45] | Jimmy, just take a break. | 吉米 稍微放松一下 |
| [12:46] | Walk away from the proj… | 不要困扰于那些… |
| [12:58] | Honey, I’m home! What’s for dinner? | 亲爱的 我回来了 晚餐吃什么 |
| [13:00] | Aw, mom, carrots again? | 喂 老妈 又是胡萝卜 |
| [13:07] | So glad you decided to come watch. | 真高兴你决定来看了 |
| [13:09] | Actually, I just came to remind myself | 实际上 我只是过来提醒自己 |
| [13:11] | that I am a good writer. | 我是个好作家 |
| [13:13] | When they ask for a suggestion, | 当他们寻求意见时 |
| [13:15] | I’m gonna yell out one of my classic heckles. | 我会喊出我的经典黑话 |
| [13:17] | “I have a suggestion. | “我有个建议 |
| [13:18] | Instead of improvising your show, | 与其追求即兴喜剧表演 |
| [13:20] | try the written word, | 不如试试写出来 |
| [13:21] | invented by the Mesopotamians in 3200 BC.” | 那是美索不达米亚人在公元前3200年发明的 |
| [13:25] | Shh! | 闭嘴 |
| [13:25] | You shush! How dare you? Watch the show! | 你才闭嘴 好大胆子 看你的表演吧 |
| [13:29] | Hey, lady! Give me those carrots. | 喂 女士 把胡萝卜都给我 |
| [13:33] | Don’t kill me. Take the carrots. | 别杀我 拿走胡萝卜吧 |
| [13:34] | – Take all the carrots. – Yeah! | -都拿走吧 -太好了 |
| [13:36] | That’s a lot of carrots. | 有不少胡萝卜啊 |
| [13:38] | Uh, sir, we’ve been getting complaints | 先生 我们不断收到 |
| [13:39] | from customers at the health food store. | 来自健康食品店的顾客投诉 |
| [13:42] | I told you I wasn’t good with organic food when you hired me! | 当初你雇我时 我就说过我受不了有机食品 |
| [13:45] | And we flash back to the day he was hired. | 我们闪回到雇用他的那一天 |
| [13:50] | Now, how are you with organic food? | 你感觉有机食品怎么样 |
| [13:52] | Not good. | 不喜欢 |
| [13:53] | I’m gonna go with my gut on this. | 那我要跟随我的直觉了 |
| [13:55] | Your gut should be trusted– it’s a good gentleman, sir. | 你的直觉值得信任 他是个好人 先生 |
| [13:59] | All right, we have a clean-up in organic foods. | 好吧 我们做有机食品赚了很多钱 |
| [14:02] | The councilman, | 议员先生 |
| [14:03] | Vaccines are really important, | 疫苗是很重要的 |
| [14:05] | But they’re also really, really bad. | 但也是非常非常有害的 |
| [14:07] | They’re transferring me to the state capitol. | 他们要把我转接到州府那边去 |
| [14:09] | Local government is such a joke. | 地方政府就是个大笑话 |
| [14:12] | Thanks, o-blunder. | 谢了啊 老奥 |
| [14:15] | Oh, no… | 不好 |
| [14:16] | – What? – Oh, nothing. You don’t want to see this. | -怎么了 -没什么 你不会想看到的 |
| [14:17] | Is this about the keystone xbox pipeline? | 这是关于拱心石之州Xbox管道的事吗 |
| [14:19] | ’cause that’ll just make me madder. | 那只会让我更生气 |
| [14:22] | I found this last night. | 我昨晚发现这个的 |
| [14:24] | It’s Paul and Amy at the coliseum. | 是保罗和艾米在大剧院的照片 |
| [14:25] | Amy’s onstage at some concert. | 艾米参加了某个音乐会 在台上表演 |
| [14:29] | Amy is interpreting… For Beyonce?! | 艾米在给…碧昂斯当翻译 |
| [14:34] | She is finger-singing Beyonce! | 她在用手语演绎碧昂斯的歌 |
| [14:36] | Senator Pelosi’s office. | 这里是普洛斯议员的办公室 |
| [14:38] | Stop calling me! | 别给我打电话了 |
| [14:39] | Ma’am, you called us. | 女士 是你打给我们的 |
| [14:41] | Men are mean and they hurt my brain. | 男人都刻薄无情 弄乱了我的大脑 |
| [14:49] | I need wine. | 我需要喝酒 |
| [14:50] | Aw, come here, dum-dum. | 快过来 小笨笨 |
| [14:55] | Let’s watch some garbage tv and get our minds off of it. | 我们看些垃圾节目 别去想这些糟心事了 |
| [14:58] | Which one of the real housewives are the stupidest? | 哪个娇妻节目最傻逼啊 |
| [15:00] | All of them. | 都很傻逼 |
| [15:02] | ’cause they’re wives. | 因为她们是妻子 |
| [15:05] | But really, it’s new jersey. | 不过说真的 《新泽西娇妻》最傻逼 |
| [15:08] | How’d you come up with the carrots thing? | 你是怎么想到胡萝卜那个梗的 |
| [15:09] | Well, we were talking about supermarkets, | 我们当时恰好谈到了超市 |
| [15:11] | so obviously carrots came to mind. | 于是自然想到了胡萝卜 |
| [15:14] | The connections you made out there were just… Mind-blowing. | 你们构建的那种联系 真是令人震撼 |
| [15:17] | Oh, thanks. | 谢了 |
| [15:19] | I also do sketchthon, | 我也做”小品马拉松” |
| [15:20] | Where we write and perform 12 sketches in 12 hours. | 我们会在12个小时内写出12个小品 |
| [15:23] | Why do you do that? | 你为什么那么做 |
| [15:24] | Well, I… | 我… |
| [15:26] | I don’t know. | 我也不知道 |
| [15:28] | Hey, say… | 话说… |
| [15:30] | What do you think of Dorothy? | 你觉得多洛希怎么样 |
| [15:31] | You have nothing to offer her. | 你没有任何能吸引她的长处 |
| [15:33] | – Jimmy… – I’m being realistic, mate. | -吉米 -我这人说话比较现实 兄弟 |
| [15:35] | You just started. | 你才刚开始呢 |
| [15:36] | These guys are at the absolute top of their game. | 而这些家伙早已经是笑林高手了 |
| [15:39] | Tall Nathan’s just done improv on a cruise ship. | 高内森最近刚在巡游船上做了即兴演出 |
| [15:42] | Kyle’s been to Greg Proops’ condo! | 凯尔去过格雷格·普鲁普的豪宅 |
| [15:45] | Oh, you’re right. | 你说得对 |
| [15:46] | I haven’t done anything with my life. | 我这辈子一事无成 |
| [15:48] | I went straight from high school to the army, | 我高中毕业后直接进了军队 |
| [15:50] | Then straight to Iraq, | 然后又直接去了伊拉克 |
| [15:51] | and I didn’t even get to see the cool parts of Iraq. | 我甚至都没见到伊拉克比较酷的地方 |
| [15:54] | I was in Fallujah, which is basically their San Diego. | 我去的是费卢杰 相当于他们的圣地亚哥吧 |
| [15:57] | I’m referring to myself, too. | 我其实也在说我自己 |
| [15:59] | I’m a one-not-really- a-hit wonder. | 我就是个”一书不怎么成名”的落魄作家 |
| [16:02] | I mean, how can I write when there are people | 我怎么能写出作品啊 明明这世上 |
| [16:04] | This brimming with talent out there? | 还有那么多如此才华横溢的人 |
| [16:06] | You and I, we are just visitors in this world. | 你和我 不过是这世上的过客 |
| [16:09] | We’ll pass through like shadows, | 我们会像影子一样 路过不留痕迹 |
| [16:11] | And when we die… No one will care. | 当我们死去了 没人会在意 |
| [16:16] | Oh, look! It’s the chubby kid from the lenscrafters commercials. | 瞧啊 是”亮视点”广告中那个胖乎乎的小孩哎 |
| [16:21] | That’s why I stopped drinking sodas, | 所以我才会停止喝苏打饮料了 |
| [16:22] | For the most part. | 主要是这原因 |
| [16:23] | Hey, Edgar. | 你好啊 埃德加 |
| [16:25] | Tall Nathan, this is Edgar– he’s in my class. | 高内森 这是埃德加 是我班上的 |
| [16:27] | Wait, what do I know you from? | 等等 我在哪儿见过你来着 |
| [16:29] | Uh, no-nowhere cool. | 不是什么好地方 |
| [16:30] | Y-you just came and volunteered with my veterans’ group. | 你去我的老兵心理疏导团体里做过志愿演出 |
| [16:33] | Oh, yeah! That was a lot of fun. | 对哦 那次真的很好玩 |
| [16:36] | You guys really like gay jokes. | 你们好喜欢基佬笑话啊 |
| [16:38] | I didn’t know you were a veteran. | 我之前都不知道你是老兵呢 |
| [16:40] | I did a couple tours in Iraq. | 我被派驻过伊拉克几次 |
| [16:43] | dumb. | 傻兮兮的 |
| [16:45] | Were you… in the shit? | 你亲身经历过 那种噩梦吗 |
| [16:48] | Yeah. | 是啊 |
| [16:50] | I guess you could say I was in the shit. | 你可以说我经历过 那种噩梦 |
| [16:53] | Speaking of… being in shit, uh, | 说到 噩梦[屎] |
| [16:55] | Did I tell you about | 我有没有跟你们说过 |
| [16:55] | the time the toilets broke on that improv cruise? | 那次在巡游船上演出时 马桶破了的事 |
| [16:58] | Get us a couple beers. | 去给我们拿几瓶啤酒来 |
| [17:04] | That’s incredible. | 那真是太了不起了 |
| [17:05] | So… What was it like? | 所以 那是种什么感觉 |
| [17:07] | I mean, unless you’d rather not talk about it. | 如果你不想说就算了 |
| [17:09] | Oh, no, no. | 不 不 |
| [17:12] | What do you want to know? | 你想知道些什么 |
| [17:14] | Everything. | 一切 |
| [17:18] | – Are you sure you didn’t write those jokes beforehand? – Nope. | -你确定你没有提前写好那些笑话吗 -没有 |
| [17:21] | You don’t have an algorithm | 你没有个什么算法 |
| [17:22] | That changes your scenes based on the audience suggestion? | 根据观众的意见 来改戏吗 |
| [17:25] | It’s all just… completely original? | 而是完全 原创的吗 |
| [17:27] | Yeah, I guess you could say that, yeah. | 是啊 大概可以这么说吧 |
| [17:29] | Why? What do you do? | 怎么 你是干什么的 |
| [17:32] | I’m a novelist. | 我是个小说家 |
| [17:34] | In fact, I came here tonight with a written list of heckles. | 实际上 我今晚也随身携带了一份黑话 |
| [17:37] | Really? All right, what were some of them? | 是吗 读些来听听 |
| [17:41] | Ah, this one’s good. | 这条很棒 |
| [17:43] | “Instead of improv comedy, why don’t you kill yourselves | “不如别做即兴喜剧演出了 去死了算了 |
| [17:47] | And improve comedy?” | 那样就能提高喜剧水平了” |
| [17:52] | You don’t like it. | 你们并不喜欢 |
| [17:53] | You want to… End the heckle with the meanest part of the joke. | 你最好 用最刻薄的部分来做黑话的结尾 |
| [18:03] | “Improve comedy– | 想提高喜剧水准 |
| [18:05] | Kill yourselves.” | 你只能去死了” |
| [18:09] | That’s really good. | 真的很棒 |
| [18:15] | Unicorn. | 独角兽 |
| [18:17] | Hey, Jimmy. | 嘿 吉米 |
| [18:19] | I was dreaming about a unicorn. | 我刚刚梦到个独角兽呢 |
| [18:21] | – How you doing? – Terribly. | -你怎么样 -很糟糕 |
| [18:23] | I met some artists who fully exposed | 我遇见一些艺术家 他们彻底暴露了 |
| [18:25] | the depths of my own hackery. | 我写黑话的水平有多浅薄 |
| [18:27] | Sorry, Gretchen, | 抱歉 格雷琴 |
| [18:28] | I have to go throw myself off the hollywood sign. | 我得从好莱坞的标志牌上跳下去自尽了 |
| [18:30] | Nice knowing you. | 很高兴认识你 |
| [18:33] | What are you hiding under there? | 你在下面藏了什么啊 |
| [18:36] | You’re reading my erotic tales? | 你在看我写的色情小说 |
| [18:39] | And after you teased me about them relentlessly? | 你之前还无情地嘲笑我来着 |
| [18:41] | No! Yes. | 没有 是啦 |
| [18:44] | What do you think? | 你觉得怎么样 |
| [18:45] | Jimmy… | 吉米 |
| [18:47] | They’re hella hot! | 简直是刺激爆了 |
| [18:48] | They are, aren’t they?! | 没错 对吧 |
| [18:50] | And to think that I’ve been interviewing with authors | 想想我还去拜访了什么作家 |
| [18:53] | and novelizing tv shows– | 把电视剧改写成小说 |
| [18:55] | Albeit great ones– while the world awaits my second book. | 尽管那剧很赞 而全世界都在等我的第二本小说 |
| [18:58] | – Who am I to deny them? – Who are you? | -我是谁 怎有资格否定他们 -你到底是谁 |
| [19:01] | And I finally know what it should be. | 我终于知道应该是怎样才对了 |
| [19:04] | I’m gonna give the world | 我要向世界展示 |
| [19:05] | what I’ve been preparing for since I was 11: | 我从11岁开始就已经具备的才能 |
| [19:08] | The first truly literary erotic novel since portnoy’s complaint. | 写出自《波特诺伊的怨诉》之后第一部真正的情色文学 |
| [19:12] | I’d jerk off to it. | 我会边看边自插的 |
| [19:13] | In fact… Why don’t you… | 实际上 不如你… |
| [19:16] | Read me a little bit of the chapter in the barn. | 给我读一小段 谷仓中的那个章节吧 |
| [19:19] | That’s one of my favorites as well. | 那也是我最爱的一段 |
| [19:28] | “Wallenda bathed herself in milk. | “沃兰达将自己浸在牛奶浴里 |
| [19:30] | “‘aye,’ the baker boy thought, | 真好 那个小面包师心想 |
| [19:32] | ”tis a fine meal I’d make of this one.'” | 我真想把这当成一顿美餐” |
| [19:35] | Oh, yeah, that’s good. | 哇 真棒 |
| [19:38] | “He averted his eyes, his manhood | 他移开了目光 他的大鸡巴 |
| [19:40] | “stiff and trembling beneath his breeches. | 在马裤里硬如铁棒 微微颤动 |
| [19:43] | “Wallenda cried out, ‘no! | 沃兰达惊呼道 不 |
| [19:45] | “‘don’t you dare look away, you naughty baker boy. | 你敢移开目光 你个调皮的小面包师 |
| [19:49] | “‘take in the wholeness of my nudity!’ | 尽情享受我的裸露肉体吧 |
| [19:53] | And he did.” | 然后他照做了 |
| [20:00] | In Arizona, cactus are sacred. | 在亚利桑那州 仙人掌是很神圣的 |
| [20:03] | If you steal one, you’re going to prison. | 如果你敢偷 那就得进监狱 |
| [20:06] | But if you mess with someone’s heart, | 但是如果你伤了别人的心 |
| [20:07] | There’s nothing anyone can do about it, except me. | 除了我 其他人一点解决办法都没有 |
| [20:11] | My name is Sandra Hope, | 我叫桑德拉·霍普 |
| [20:12] | And I run mate check private investigations with my boyfriend, Tom. | 我和我男朋友汤姆一起开了家私人侦探社 |
| [20:17] | So, then, tomorrow night, | 明天晚上 |
| [20:18] | I’m sitting in with this group from chicago, | 我会跟来自芝加哥的一个小组一起表演 |
| [20:20] | Michael Jordan’s gambling debt. | 叫迈克尔·乔丹的赌债 |
| [20:22] | I’ll check it out. | 我会去看的 |
| [20:24] | Uh, so, uh, teach… | 那个 老师 |
| [20:27] | Buy you a drink? | 我能请你喝杯酒吗 |
| [20:28] | Sure. I’ll have what you’re having. | 好啊 你喝什么我就喝什么吧 |