英文名称：Matt Rife Natural Selection
年代：2023
推荐：千部英美剧台词本阅读
| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| [00:10] | 马特·莱夫 物竞天择 | |
| [00:26] | Thank you so much, man. Wow! | 感谢大家 哇！ |
| [00:52] | D.C., what’s going on? | 华盛顿特区 你们好吗？ |
| [00:56] | Oh my God. | 天啊 |
| [01:00] | Thank you. | 谢谢 |
| [01:01] | Thank you. Sit down, sit down, get comfortable, my God. | 谢谢 坐下 让自己舒服点 天啊 |
| [01:04] | Thank you so much. | 太感谢大家了 |
| [01:13] | Thank you. | 谢谢 |
| [01:14] | Thank you so much, man. | 非常感谢 妈呀 |
| [01:17] | Washington, D.C. | 华盛顿特区 |
| [01:18] | We’re doing Netflix, baby. | 这是Netflix特辑 宝贝们 |
| [01:20] | We’re doin’ it. We’re doin’ it. Oh! | 我们正在拍特辑 |
| [01:26] | This is so cool, man. I wish… | 太酷了 我希望… |
| [01:29] | I wish my grandpa could see this. | 我希望我爷爷能看到这个 |
| [01:31] | He, um… I… I… I always wanted to bring him here to visit. | 他… 我一直都想带他来看看 |
| [01:35] | You know, he knew how much I loved D.C., and he… he… | 他知道我有多爱华盛顿特区 |
| [01:37] | he loved Maryland. It was like his favorite state, which… | 而他爱马里兰 那是他最爱的一个州 |
| [01:41] | Well, wh– | 这… |
| [01:43] | Well, which, you know, is… is a valid response | 这种反应很合理 |
| [01:45] | unless you’ve been to Baltimore, because it too… | 除非你去过巴尔的摩 因为那儿太… |
| [01:49] | What the fuck is going on in Baltimore, dude? | 巴尔的摩到底是什么情况啊？ |
| [01:52] | Mar– Bro, Maryland as a state cannot pick a tone, dawg. | 兄弟 作为一个州 马里兰的气质完全没有统一 |
| [01:56] | Just pick one– | 得选一个… |
| [01:58] | It’s so beautiful and so ratchet for no reason. | 它是如此美丽 又莫名地很可怜 |
| [02:02] | Can y’all just pick a tone, man? | 你们能选定一种气质吗？ |
| [02:04] | All of Maryland. Y’all drive to the beach with your top down | 整个马里兰州 大家都会开着敞篷车去海滩 |
| [02:07] | and then go to Baltimore and lock all your doors. | 然后去巴尔的摩 把门全都锁上 |
| [02:10] | You know, no middle ground ever, man. I’ve only been to Baltimore one time. | 完全没有中间地带 我只去过巴尔的摩一次 |
| [02:15] | I ate lunch there, and the hostess, who seats you at the restaurant, | 我在那里吃了午餐 餐厅的领座小姐 |
| [02:18] | had a black eye. | 顶着一个熊猫眼 |
| [02:21] | A full black– It wasn’t like, “What happened?” | 全黑的…你不会想：“怎么回事？” |
| [02:24] | I… It was pretty obvious what happened. | 是什么情况还挺明显的 |
| [02:26] | We couldn’t get over the fact, “This is the face of the company?” | 我们无法相信这个事实：“这就是公司的门面吗？” |
| [02:30] | Like, “This is… This is who you have greeting people?” | 你会想：“你们就让这样的人来迎宾？” |
| [02:32] | And my boy, who I was with was like, “Yeah, I feel bad for her.” | 跟我一起去的兄弟说：“是啊 我真替她难过 |
| [02:36] | “I feel like they should, you know, put her in the kitchen or something… | 我觉得他们应该让她去后厨 那儿没人… |
| [02:40] | where nobody has to see her face, you know.” | 那儿没人会看到她的脸” |
| [02:42] | And I was like, “Yeah, but I feel like if she could cook, she wouldn’t have that black eye.” | 我说：“但如果她会烹饪的话 她就不会有熊猫眼了” |
| [02:47] | So… | 所以… |
| [02:51] | Testing the water, seeing if y’all are gonna be fun or not. | 试试水 看看你们开不开得起玩笑 |
| [02:54] | Just wanted to see. | 就是想看看 |
| 本电影台词包含不重复单词：1389个。 其中的生词包含：四级词汇：240个，六级词汇：122个，GRE词汇：125个，托福词汇：186个，考研词汇：256个，专四词汇：212个，专八词汇：45个， 所有生词标注共：478个。 定制生词标注的台词本和单词统计，请访问生词标注台词本 | ||
| [02:56] | Just wanted to see. | 就是想看看 |
| [02:58] | I figure if we start with domestic violence, | 我想如果我用家暴来开场 |
| [03:00] | the rest of the show should be… | 那整个节目应该… |
| [03:03] | should be pretty smooth sailing after that. | 后面应该会很顺利 |
| [03:05] | Yeah, of course, I felt bad for her, man. | 当然 我非常为她难过 |
| [03:08] | She should’ve had her protection crystals, you know what I mean? | 她应该买个守护水晶 你们懂我的意思哦？ |
| [03:13] | Fellas, we gotta put our foot down, man. | 伙计们 我们必须叫停了 |
| [03:15] | This crystal shit is getting out of control. | 水晶的情况已经快失控了 |
| [03:19] | Ladies, put the fuckin’ pebbles down, okay? | 女士们 放下那些愚蠢的鹅卵石 好吗？ |
| [03:24] | We are sick and tired of walking into your bedroom | 我们已经受够了走进你们的卧室时 |
| [03:27] | looking like we gotta beat you in a game of mancala | 仿佛要先杀一盘非洲棋赢了你们 |
| [03:29] | before we can sleep with you. | 才能跟你们睡一样 |
| [03:31] | What the fuck is all this gravel doing inside, Thanos? | 这些破石头 为什么会出现在室内 灭霸？ |
| [03:36] | I swear, the biggest issue with crystal girls | 我发誓 水晶女孩最大的问题是 |
| [03:39] | is the fact it’s their entire personality, | 她们的人格都被水晶定义了 |
| [03:41] | and they won’t shut up about it. | 她们张口闭口都是水晶 |
| [03:44] | I mean, you even, God forbid, bring it up mid-conversation. | 天啊 你要是敢在聊天中提起水晶 |
| [03:48] | This is my favorite one. | 这是我最喜欢的一颗 |
| [03:51] | This is, um… | 这是… |
| [03:53] | This is a piece of green Peruvian jade, | 这是一块绿色的秘鲁玉 |
| [03:56] | and it provides me with, like, strength | 它给了我力量 |
| [04:00] | and… and… and protection | 还能守护我 |
| [04:03] | and… and… and… | 而且… |
| [04:05] | and no, it doesn’t. | 不 才没有呢 |
| [04:08] | No, it’s not, okay. | 没这种事 好吧 |
| [04:10] | That’s a broken shard of a Heineken bottle that you… | 那就是你从一个留着脏辫的白人那儿 |
| [04:15] | …that you bought from a white dude with dreadlocks, | 买来的喜力啤酒瓶的碎片 |
| [04:19] | who also runs a throat goat yoga class. | 那家伙还开着一个深喉山羊瑜伽班 |
| [04:22] | Okay? | 好吗？ |
| [04:24] | Say what it really is, some bullshit. | 实话实说吧 那就是瞎扯淡 |
| [04:27] | The only thing it’s protecting is me | 它唯一能守护的就是我 |
| [04:31] | from dating another girl who’s pussy tastes like kombucha. | 让我不用和又一位 下体是康普茶味的女生交往 |
| [04:35] | Okay? | 好吧 |
| [04:36] | No more hippie shit. | 别再搞嬉皮士那套了 |
| [04:40] | Shower. | 去洗洗澡 |
| [04:43] | Maybe get back to using real deodorant? | 或者用回真正管用的除臭剂 |
| [04:47] | No more of this organic deodorant shit | 不要再用什么有机除臭剂了 |
| [04:49] | that lasts shorter than fuckin’ fruit-stripe gum. | 它们的除臭时长还不如水果口香糖 |
| [04:52] | Okay? No more. | 好吗？别再用了 |
| [04:54] | Y’all remember that garbage? | 你们还记得那垃圾玩意儿吗？ |
| [04:55] | – Yeah! – It would last two chews. | 嚼两下就没味儿了 |
| [04:58] | That’s y’all walking around, two smacks, | 你走在路上 嚼了两下 |
| [05:00] | stinkin’ all over again, dude. | 重新换一个 老兄 |
| [05:03] | I’m so sick of it, man. | 我真的受够了 |
| [05:05] | This hippie shit is gonna be the death of me, I swear. | 我发誓 这嬉皮士的玩意儿 给我恶心得要命 |
| [05:08] | If I hear one more person blame how their life is going on Mercury, | 如果我再听到谁抱怨 他们在水星逆行时有多不顺 |
| [05:14] | I will kill you myself. Do you understand? | 我会亲手杀了你 听懂了吗？ |
| [05:17] | You leave that goddamn planet alone. | 你他妈别再抹黑那颗行星了 |
| [05:21] | I’m so tired of you ladies blaming your poor decision-making skills | 我已经受够了你们这些女生 把自己糟糕的决策能力 |
| [05:26] | on planets that don’t even know you. | 归咎于那些根本不认识你的行星 |
| [05:31] | Get this through your head. | 好好想一想 |
| [05:33] | Astrology is not this magical life guideline | 占星术并不是什么神奇的 |
| [05:36] | that… that predetermines your future in the stars. | 能靠观星来指引你未来的生活指南 |
| [05:39] | No, none of that. | 不 完全没这回事 |
| [05:40] | Your future is depended by your thoughts, opinions, and actions. | 你的未来取决于 你自己的思想、观点和行动 |
| [05:43] | You are in complete control of how your future turns out. | 你的未来完全掌握在你自己手中 |
| [05:46] | It’s not up here. It’s in here the whole time. It’s up to you. | 不在那上面 它一直都在这里面 取决于你 |
| [05:51] | It has nothing to do with the stars, man. | 跟那些星星一点关系都没有 |
| [05:53] | Just because Jupiter has a ring, and you don’t, doesn’t mean… | 木星有个指环 而你没有 这不代表… |
| [06:00] | …that’s who you’re supposed to look up to | 这不代表你就该向它询求 |
| [06:02] | for all this magical advice, man. | 各种神奇的建议 |
| [06:05] | And stop trying to explain it so confidently, | 别再自信满满地解释那玩意儿了 |
| [06:07] | you look stupid every time. | 你们每次看起来都很蠢 |
| [06:10] | It’s so– The girl of your dreams will look you straight in the eyes | 太烦人了… 你的梦中情人直视着你的双眼 |
| [06:13] | and say some dumb shit, | 然后说些蠢话 |
| [06:15] | like, “Would you even know how the universe works?” | 比如：“你知道宇宙的运行规则吗？” |
| [06:17] | No, but tell me, Professor. | 不知道 请赐教 教授 |
| [06:21] | “There’s a planet called Mercury. When it slows its rotation around the sun, | “有一颗名叫水星的行星 当它放慢了绕太阳旋转的速度时 |
| [06:24] | it causes retrograde 98 million miles away | 在1.58亿公里外就产生了逆行 |
| [06:26] | and that’s why my life is just in absolute shambles.” | 而这就是我的生活一团糟的原因 |
| [06:29] | “Like it’s literally not even up to me.” | 这真的不是我能说了算的 |
| [06:33] | “Like, | 就是 |
| [06:34] | it’s in the stars and… …like, we’re literally all stardust.” | 一切都是星星决定的 我们只是星尘而已 |
| [06:38] | “You know what I mean?” | 你懂我的意思吗？” |
| [06:41] | Yeah, you’re gonna die alone. | 对 你会孤独终老的 |
| [06:44] | ‘Cause you can’t take responsibility for your own actions. | 因为你不能为自己的行为负责 |
| [06:48] | Your life isn’t in shambles because of a planet in the sky. | 你的生活 不会因为天上的行星而一团糟 |
| [06:52] | It’s because you can’t live without a vape in your mouth. | 而是因为没有电子烟你就活不下去 |
| [06:56] | And you only fuck guys who need to borrow your car. | 而且你只跟需要找你借车的人上床 |
| [06:59] | Okay? | 好吗？ |
| [07:02] | Yeah. | 对 |
| [07:03] | That’s why your life is in shambles. | 这才是你的生活一团糟的原因 |
| [07:07] | You’re worried about Mercury while he crashing your Saturn. | 在他撞坏你的土星汽车时 你却在担心水星 |
| [07:10] | How stupid do you feel? | 你觉得自己有多蠢？ |
| [07:15] | Wrong planet, bitch. Guess again. | 猜错星了 婊贝 再猜一次 |
| [07:18] | Yeah, it’s gonna kill me, man. | 我要被逼死了 |
| [07:20] | I feel it’s a younger generational thing too, right? | 我觉得这是 年轻一代特有的爱好 对吧？ |
| [07:23] | The crystals and astrology and all that. | 水晶和占星术之类的 |
| [07:26] | Which makes sense. | 也挺合理的 |
| [07:28] | I fuckin’ hate young people, dude. I really do. Ah! | 我恨死年轻人了 真的 |
| [07:33] | Anybody… anybody my age or younger, you don’t have anything to offer me, man. | 和我同龄和比我小的人 你们都没有任何东西能给我 |
| [07:37] | I just– I– You’re so rude! | 我只是…你们好粗鲁！ |
| [07:39] | Young people are so disrespectful even when they’re not trying to be. | 年轻人太没礼貌了 即使他们不是故意为之 |
| [07:43] | Like, five months ago, I got a tattoo of John Lennon on the back of my arm, | 五个月前 我在手臂后侧 弄了个约翰·列侬的纹身 |
| [07:47] | and it’s… it’s pretty fuckin’ obviously John Lennon. | 这他妈很明显就是约翰·列侬 |
| [07:51] | Like, it’s… it’s a good tattoo. As soon as I post it on Instagram, everybody was, | 这个纹身做得很好 我一把它发到“照片墙”上 大家就都在说： |
| [07:55] | “He’s a Harry Potter fan?” | “他是个《哈利·波特》迷？” |
| [07:57] | I was like, fuck these kids, dude. | 我心想：“去你妈的 这些死孩子” |
| [08:01] | That is so disrespectful to one of the greatest musicians of all time. | 这对有史以来 最伟大的音乐家之一太不尊重了 |
| [08:05] | Like, John Lennon got fuckin’ Avada Kedavra on his back, | 仿佛约翰·列侬中了阿瓦达索命咒 |
| [08:07] | and that’s why he’s not here. No. | 所以他才不在世了 不 |
| [08:10] | Same glasses, but he’s the boy who didn’t live. | 相同的眼镜 但他是大难已死的男孩 |
| [08:14] | I know, and if that made you sad, you’re my audience. | 我懂 如果你们听了也觉得悲伤 那你们就是我的观众 |
| [08:17] | Good. I like you a lot. Good. | 很好 我很喜欢你们 很好 |
| [08:19] | It also breaks my heart. That’s good. | 这也让我很心碎 很好 |
| [08:22] | God, I hate young people. And there’s no middle ground. | 天啊 我讨厌年轻人 绝对没有中间地带 |
| [08:25] | I hate young people, and I… …I fuckin’ love | 我讨厌年轻人 而且我…我爱死 |
| [08:31] | old people. | 老人家了 |
| [08:35] | Oh my God. | 天啊 |
| [08:36] | It is… it is really an unhealthy obsession. | 这真的是一种不健康的迷恋 |
| [08:40] | It is. Oh, bro, I would fuck a grandma in a heartbeat. | 真的 兄弟 我可以毫不犹豫地和奶奶上床 |
| [08:43] | I really would do it. | 我真的会的 |
| [08:45] | I’d do it. | 我会的 |
| [08:48] | You can. | 你可以这样做 |
| [08:49] | I don’t know if you’ve done research. | 不知道你们有没有做过调查 |
| [08:52] | You can fuck as many as you want, and there’s no law against it. | 你可以这么做 而且不违反任何法律 |
| [08:55] | As many as you want. As many as you want. | 想上多少就上多少 |
| [08:58] | You just gotta be gentle about it. You can’t… | 只是你得温柔一点 不能… |
| [09:00] | You can’t choke ’em. You gotta, like, kink their oxygen. | 你不能掐他们脖子 你只能拧他们的输氧管 |
| [09:03] | Know what I mean? | 懂我意思吗？ |
| [09:06] | Aah, not today. not today. | 今天不行 |
| [09:08] | You’re all right. You’re fine. | 你没事 你挺好的 |
| [09:10] | Walker it off. | 拄着助行器走走就好了 |
| [09:15] | Fuck being somebody’s first. But somebody’s last? That’s a flex. | 当过初恋算什么 你当过谁的最后一任吗？这才值得炫耀 |
| [09:19] | Oh, my goodness. | 天啊 |
| [09:20] | That’s… | 那是… |
| [09:22] | That’s where I thrive, baby. I’m out here cleanin’ it up. | 那就是我的长项 宝贝 我是来接手最后一程的 |
| [09:27] | They call me the Trim Reaper, dawg. | 大家都叫我小妹妹收割者 兄弟 |
| [09:29] | I’m just out here snatchin’ souls, you know what I mean? | 我就是出来抢夺灵魂的 你们懂我的意思吗？ |
| [09:34] | Oh, dude, I do… I love old people so much. | 我真的好爱老人家 |
| [09:38] | Like, the more an old person is shaped like a candy cane. | 身形越像拐杖糖的老人家 我越喜欢 |
| [09:43] | Dude. I love a motherfucker who just… | 老兄 我超爱那种… |
| [09:49] | He just can’t even look up. | 他连抬头看都做不到 |
| [09:53] | Even he doesn’t know how much life is ahead of him. | 他连自己还能活多长都不知道 |
| [09:55] | You know what I mean? Just… | 你们懂我的意思吗？ |
| [09:57] | That’s the weight of a good life lived, fuckin’ up his back, man. Ugh… | 是美好生活的重量压弯了他的腰 |
| [10:02] | You old persons gotta have bad posture, man. | 你的老人家必须体态不佳 |
| [10:04] | That tells you lived your life to the fullest. | 这会提醒我要尽情享受生活 |
| [10:07] | If you meet one with good posture, they dodged the draft 100%. | 如果你遇到一个体态很好的老人家 他们百分之百是逃了兵役 |
| [10:10] | You don’t have my respect. Sorry. | 我不尊重你 对不起 |
| [10:12] | Oh, man. | 天啊 |
| [10:13] | They gotta have bad pos. | 体态一定要很糟 |
| [10:15] | The worst an old person’s posture, the better the stories. | 因为体态越糟 故事越精彩 |
| [10:20] | “How’d you get like that?” Used to be my favorite part about visiting | 你怎么变成这样的？这是我十几岁的时候 |
| [10:23] | my great-grandmother at the hospice center she was at | 去临终关怀中心看我曾祖母时 |
| [10:26] | for her remaining years when I was a teenager. | 最喜欢的部分 |
| [10:29] | She’s where they take care of you for your remaining time, | 她住在那种可以照顾你 过完最后的日子的机构里 |
| [10:32] | and my mom would drop us off for like three or four hours, | 每次我妈都会把我们 送过去待三、四个小时 |
| [10:35] | which is great. I wanna spend time with my grandma, | 这很棒 我喜欢和我祖母在一起 |
| [10:37] | but my grandma also had dementia, | 但我祖母患有老年痴呆 |
| [10:39] | so, 25 minutes in, I could be like, “I’m gonna get some more water,” | 所以过了25分钟 我可能会说：“我去喝点水” |
| [10:44] | and she’d be, “There’s a lot of Blacks.” I’m like… | 然后她会说：“现在的黑人太多了” 而我… |
| [10:48] | – The– – There’s more for sure, um… | 确实多了不少 |
| [10:51] | I could excuse myself and go do my own thing. | 我可以离开 去做我自己的事 |
| [10:54] | It’s not that I didn’t love her or didn’t wanna hang out. | 不是我不爱我的祖母 或者不想跟她待在一起 |
| [10:56] | People with dementia can’t remember, so there’s not a lot to talk about. | 有痴呆症的人记不住太多东西 所以我们没多少可聊的 |
| [11:00] | And it just so happened the guy, Lenny, in the room right next to her | 巧的是 她隔壁的连尼 |
| [11:04] | remembered everything. | 什么都记得 |
| [11:06] | This guy was the coolest person I had ever met. | 这家伙是我见过最酷的人 |
| [11:08] | He was 97 and had the coolest life I ever heard of. | 他97岁了 他的生平是我听过的最酷的 |
| [11:11] | He’d tell me story after story after story for hours and hours on end, | 他会一连几小时地给我讲故事 |
| [11:15] | and they were captivating. | 每个都引人入胜 |
| [11:17] | He lived a very full life. He fought in three wars in his lifetime. | 他的人生相当多姿多彩 他参加过三场战争 |
| [11:21] | He climbed five mountains. | 他爬过五座山 |
| [11:23] | He, um… | 他… |
| [11:25] | Yeah, he… he told me he fucked Rosa Parks. | 对 他跟我说他上过罗莎·帕克斯 |
| [11:31] | I know, in the front of the bus. and I was like… | 在公交车的前端 我感觉… |
| [11:36] | I think you have dementia. I don’t think… | 我觉得你才有痴呆症 我不认为… |
| [11:39] | that happened the way you remembered it. | 我觉得事实和你的记忆不太一样 |
| [11:41] | Wouldn’t the back of the bus be more private? | 而且 公交车后排座 不是更私密一点吗？ |
| [11:44] | I feel like you could put in some work back there, but well, | 我觉得在后排座 才方便你努力耕耘 但是… |
| [11:47] | that’s the cons of being young, I guess. | 我猜这就是年轻的缺点吧 |
| [11:50] | You can’t fact-check an old person’s story. I wasn’t there. | 你不能去核实 一个老人家的故事 我当时不在场 |
| [11:53] | I hate being young. I don’t know nothin’. I’m 28. | 我讨厌当年轻人 我什么都不知道 我才28岁 |
| [11:56] | I don’t know for sure that Michael Jackson was Black. | 我甚至不确定 迈克尔·杰克逊是不是黑人 |
| [12:01] | Y’all keep saying it. I didn’t see it. | 你们一直这么说 我没看到过 |
| [12:04] | And every photo I’ve seen, he was an Asian woman, so I– | 我看到的每张照片里 他都是个亚裔女人 所以我… |
| [12:10] | I’ll never know. | 我永远都不会知道了 |
| [12:12] | It frustrates me to no end, man. | 成为我永远的心结 |
| [12:13] | I love old people, dude. | 我好爱老人家 |
| [12:15] | I wish my entire audience was like 65 and up. | 我希望我所有的观众都在65岁以上 |
| [12:17] | Oh my God. | 天啊 |
| [12:19] | Yeah. It’d be a much shorter career, but… | 那样我的职业生涯会短暂很多 不过… |
| [12:23] | They take into consideration who they’ve seen. | 考虑到他们一生中见过形形色色的人 |
| [12:26] | I’m kinda flattered, you know. | 挺受宠若惊的 你们懂哦 |
| [12:28] | What I love about old stories, | 我喜欢老人家们的故事 |
| [12:30] | like hearing Lenny’s stories for hours on end | 就像连续几个小时听连尼的故事 |
| [12:33] | is it inspires me to think about the stories I’m gonna have to tell | 它们会激励我去思考 等我到了那个年纪时 |
| [12:36] | when I get to that age. | 我要讲的故事 |
| [12:37] | I hope I live a full life and have fun stories to pass down. | 我希望我能活得精彩纷呈 有有趣的故事可以传承 |
| [12:41] | I liked hearing about his war stories, his adventures, his family stories. | 我喜欢听他讲他打仗的故事 他的冒险经历 他的家庭故事 |
| [12:45] | That excited me the most, to have a family someday. | 最让我期待的是 有一天我也能有个家 |
| [12:47] | I’m excited to have kids, but not now. | 我很期待能有孩子 但不是现在 |
| [12:50] | No, not now. Things are going very well, um… | 不 不是现在 现在一切都顺风顺水 |
| [12:55] | I’m also terrified to have kids, man, ’cause I’ve made fun of a lot of people. | 我对生孩子也心怀畏惧 因为我取笑过很多人 |
| [13:01] | And if you believe in karma… | 如果你们相信因果报应… |
| [13:05] | My kid is about to be fucked up, dude. | 我的孩子肯定要完蛋了 |
| [13:09] | My kid is about to have five legs and a shark fin on his back. | 我的孩子会有五条腿 背上还有鲨鱼鳍 |
| [13:15] | He is about to be a monstrosity. | 他会是个怪物 |
| [13:17] | And I know I’m not mature enough to have that conversation | 但我知道我还不够成熟 无法跟他聊这件事 |
| [13:21] | when he’s finally, like, “Why am I like this?” | 他终究会问：“我为什么长这样？” |
| [13:25] | Fuck! | 操- |
| [13:28] | I’m just there, like… | 我就只能说… |
| [13:32] | ‘Cause Daddy’s funny. | 因为老爹我很风趣 |
| [13:35] | You know. | 你们知道吧 |
| [13:37] | I’ve made a lot of people laugh. | 我让很多人开怀大笑 |
| [13:40] | So will you. | 你也会笑的 |
| [13:45] | For different reasons, but you know. | 出于不同的原因 但是没办法 |
| [13:48] | If they pay the admission. | 如果他们付了入场费的话 |
| [13:53] | I think it’s mainly about timing for me. | 我想对我来说主要是时机的问题 |
| [13:55] | I wanna pick the right time to have kids ’cause I… I’m 28, | 我想选个合适的时机生孩子 我现在28岁 |
| [13:58] | so realistically, I have all the time in the world, but… | 所以实际点说 我时间相当充裕 |
| [14:01] | The benefits of being a guy, | 身为男人的好处就是 |
| [14:03] | we don’t have to rush into starting a family. | 我们不必急着成家 |
| [14:05] | We can have kids whenever we want, which I don’t think is fair to women, | 我们什么时候想要孩子都行 我觉得这一点对女人来说很不公平 |
| [14:09] | considering women are the ones who literally have to have the baby. | 考虑到真正怀孕生孩子的是女人 |
| [14:13] | Doesn’t make sense you’d have to compete against this biological clock. | 让你们来跟这个生物钟赛跑 感觉很不合理 |
| [14:17] | It seems messed up. | 感觉挺扯的 |
| [14:19] | ‘Cause for… for women, you can wait till you’re older, but the older you get, | 因为对女人来说 你们可以等年纪再大一些 但你们的年纪越大 |
| [14:23] | don’t the odds start to go up of your kid being… | 你们的孩子就越有可能… |
| [14:30] | “…first to lunch,” we’ll call it. | “可以优先吃午餐” 这么说比较好 |
| [14:34] | Is there a nicer way to say it? | 有更好的说法吗？ |
| [14:37] | You can groan all you want, | 随你们怎么叹气 |
| [14:38] | but don’t act like 25 minutes before you were allowed to go, | 但不要假装 在你们被允许去吃午餐的25分钟前 |
| [14:42] | you didn’t have to watch them hauling ass down the hallway. | 你们不用看着这些混蛋在走廊上奔走 |
| [14:45] | You were just like… | 你只能这样… |
| [14:50] | Goddammit. | 该死 |
| [14:53] | Naruto is gonna drink up all the spaghetti. | 鸣人会把意大利面全部喝光的 |
| [14:56] | Great. | 太好了 |
| [15:04] | Not to say it’s a bad thing. | 不是说这是件坏事 |
| [15:07] | I… I– In fact, I actually think it’s kinda cool to see the way God works. | 其实我觉得 能看看上帝怎么做事还挺酷的 |
| [15:12] | If you pay attention, God always finds a way of evening things out. | 如果你们有留意过 上帝总有办法让事情趋于平稳 |
| [15:16] | God always replaces a negative with a positive. | 上帝知道如何用积极取代消极 |
| [15:18] | Anytime you see somebody who is born… less fortunate | 当你看到一个在某方面 |
| [15:22] | in a certain aspect, you don’t gotta worry ’cause God’s gonna bless them | 比较不幸的人时 你不用担心 因为上帝会保佑他们 |
| [15:26] | with… with an attribute, a… a quality about themselves, | 他们会有某种特质 某种品质 |
| [15:29] | sometimes even a skill set. | 有时甚至是某项综合技能 |
| [15:31] | Kinda evens that playin’ field a little. | 算是创造了一个稍微公平些的环境 |
| [15:33] | I noticed it first in my nephew, Chase. He’s a teenager now, but he’s autistic | 我最先是在我侄子身上发现了这一点 他现在十几岁了 但他有自闭症 |
| [15:38] | as fuck, | 严重得一逼 |
| [15:39] | wh– which is probably not the medical term, but he, um… he… | 这可能不是医学术语 但他… |
| [15:44] | he got it, for sure. Um… | 他肯定有这毛病 |
| [15:46] | He’s, uh… he’s… he’s nonverbal. That’s his thing. | 他不会说话 |
| [15:49] | Unless you’re his mom, he won’t speak to you, | 他就是这样 除非你是他妈 否则他是不会跟你说话的 |
| [15:52] | no eye contact, won’t acknowledge you’re in the room. | 不会跟你眼神交流 甚至当你不存在 |
| [15:55] | It’s pretty rude, but that’s… | 这很没礼貌 但那是… |
| [15:58] | …that’s his symptom, you know. | 那就是他的症状 |
| [15:59] | But get this. His blessing… | 但你们要知道 他得到的恩赐… |
| [16:01] | His blessing is that he can paint. | 他得到的恩赐是他会画画 |
| [16:04] | As a teenager, he paints better than any art teacher I’ve ever had. | 虽然他才十几岁 但他的画 比我的任何一个艺术老师都画得好 |
| [16:08] | I just think it’s cool to see the way God always finds a way | 我觉得看到 上帝总能有办法让事情趋于平稳 |
| [16:11] | of evenin’ things out. | 这还挺酷的 |
| [16:12] | It’s really impressive to me, and… | 我觉得这相当惊人 |
| [16:16] | I wish I would’ve known to look for that sooner. | 真希望我早些意识到件事 |
| [16:18] | It might’ve changed my perspective on things growing up. | 这可能可以改变 我小时候对事物的一些看法 |
| [16:20] | There was a kid, Alex, in our high school. | 我高中的学校里 有个叫阿莱克斯的孩子 |
| [16:22] | Alex was the same age as me. We entered high school together. | 阿莱克斯和我一样大 我们同时入学 |
| [16:26] | Had gym class together. | 一起上体育课 |
| [16:27] | He… he was special needs, and he… he had a… | 他有些特殊需要 而且他还有… |
| [16:34] | he… he had a… … dick on him, man. | 他…他的鸡巴很惊人 |
| [16:38] | I don’t know… | 我不知道 |
| [16:40] | I don’t know how else to tell y’all that. That boy was… … blessed , man. | 我不知道还能怎么跟你们说 那家伙得到的恩赐可太大了 |
| [16:45] | People felt sorry for him. “Fuck that, dude.” | 人们觉得他很可怜 得了吧 老兄 |
| [16:47] | “He’s been terrorizing us in the locker room the whole semester.” | 他在更衣室里恐吓了我们整整一学期 |
| [16:51] | Got us all backed up against the lockers. It’s like, “Goddamn, Alex!” | 我们都紧紧靠着储物柜 感叹：“该死 阿莱克斯！” |
| [16:56] | That’s where the extra chromosome goes? | 多余的染色体就是去那儿了？ |
| [17:01] | Good for you, man. | 真有你的 兄弟 |
| [17:03] | Until this day, he’s the nicest person I’ve met. | 直到今天 他仍是我见过的最好的人 |
| [17:06] | I hope he’s out there hurting somebody now. Really. | 我希望他现在有在让别人龇牙咧嘴 |
| [17:10] | She needs the helmet. | 她才需要头盔的保护 |
| [17:11] | You know, they don’t always… They don’t always know their own strength. | 他们并不总能了解到自己的能力 |
| [17:15] | But he’s a good dude. He deserves every inch of it and… | 但他是个好人 每一厘米都是他应得的 |
| [17:20] | Yeah, we used to say he had dick-you-down syndrome. | 我们以前常说他有“屌氏综合征” |
| [17:24] | Yeah. | 对 |
| [17:26] | Big shout-out to Alex, man. Big shout-out to Alex. | 非常感谢阿莱克斯 非常感谢阿莱克斯 |
| [17:29] | – Whoo! – Yeah. | 是的 |
| [17:32] | Short bus, but a long dick, man. And that’s… | 公交车很短 但老二很长 这样… |
| [17:36] | That’s balance. It’s what life’s all about at the end of the day. | 这样很平衡 说到底 这就是人生的意义所在 |
| [17:40] | Balance. | 平衡 |
| [17:41] | You can’t have everything. | 你不可能拥有一切 |
| [17:44] | Sometimes, you just funny. | 有时候你就只有风趣而已 |
| [17:59] | It’s fine. | 没关系 |
| [18:02] | I still fucked him up in dodgeball. | 我还是在玩躲避球时完胜了他 |
| [18:06] | Out of pure jealousy. I was like, “You’re not even using it.” | 纯粹是出于嫉妒 我说：“你根本都不用它” |
| [18:15] | Yeah, but… | 是啊 不过… |
| [18:18] | God works in mysterious ways, huh? | 上帝真是难以捉摸 嗯？ |
| [18:22] | Know what’s funny? I’ve mentioned God eight times the past two minutes. | 知道好笑的是什么吗？ 我知道在过去的两分钟内 我提到了大约八次上帝 |
| [18:26] | I’m really not the most religious person. I’m really not. | 我甚至不是个虔诚的人 真的不是 |
| [18:29] | I hope there’s a god. I pray every day that there’s a god. | 我希望有上帝 我每天都在祈祷上帝真的存在 |
| [18:32] | It’d make a lot of sense, answer a lot of questions. | 这能让很多事变得合理 得到解释 |
| [18:35] | It’s tricky sometimes. | 有时候挺复杂的 |
| [18:36] | Certain things’ll happen, make you question faith a little bit. | 会发生一些事 让你有些质疑命运 |
| [18:40] | It’s hard to pick a religion, man. | 要挑一个宗教太难了 |
| [18:42] | It’s– I say it’s hard to pick a religion, but I… I… I do still wear a cross chain. | 我是说了要挑一个宗教很难 但我确实戴了一个十字架链子 |
| [18:48] | – Yeah. – Yeah. Yeah. | 是的 |
| [18:51] | But for the same reason you bring a condom on the first date. You know. | 但理由和你第一次约会 会带上安全套一样 |
| [18:55] | I hope I don’t gotta use it, but you know. | 我希望我不必用上它 但你们知道啦 |
| [18:58] | Just in case. | 以防万一 |
| [19:01] | In case I die, and Jesus is like, “You ain’t gettin’ in here.” | 万一我死了 耶稣说：“你知道你不能进来这里的” |
| [19:04] | “Nah, son, I bought the wristband.” | “不 小子 我买了腕带了” |
| [19:09] | Let me in. | 让我进去 |
| [19:13] | I paid for this meet-and-greet. Where your dad at? | 这次见面我付了钱的 你爸在哪里？ |
| [19:25] | Yeah, religion is… is just tricky, man. | 是的 宗教很复杂 |
| [19:27] | But I’ve always respected it. Always respected religion. | 但我一直很尊重它 一直很尊重宗教 |
| [19:30] | Everybody’s religion’s good. I have the utmost respect for. | 每个人的宗教 我都非常尊重 |
| [19:33] | It’s important for people to have something to believe in. | 对人们来说 有信仰是很重要的 |
| [19:36] | My ex tried to drive it home pretty heavy. | 我的前任曾经再三强调过这一点 |
| [19:38] | She was super religious. My ex is one of the most religious people I’ve met, | 她非常虔诚 我的前任是我见过的最虔诚的人之一 |
| [19:42] | which is hilarious | 这挺好笑的 |
| [19:44] | ’cause she is not getting into heaven, bro. | 因为她进不了天堂 |
| [19:46] | Not… not a fuckin’ chance, man. | 完全没有机会 |
| [19:49] | Not even as my plus-one. | 作为我的女伴跟进去都不行 |
| [19:51] | She’s gonna have to chill for a couple centuries outside these gates, man. | 她得在门外冷静几个世纪 |
| [19:56] | She was so religious, | 她超级虔诚 |
| [19:58] | but just… …not a good person. | 但…不是个好人 |
| [20:01] | Like, do you know people like that? | 你们认识那种人吗？ |
| [20:04] | They’re so religious that you’re like, “You’re compensating a little bit.” | 他们过于虔诚 你会想：“你这样有点过分了” |
| [20:10] | What kind of Christian wakes up to read the Bible every morning | 什么样的基督徒 每天早上醒来都要读《圣经》 |
| [20:12] | when last night, all you wanted me to do was lick your butt. Like, wha– | 而头一天晚上 你一心只想让我舔你的屁股 什么… |
| [20:18] | What psalm is that, Jezebel? | 耶洗别 这是哪个诗篇？ |
| [20:22] | And how’d you get me to do it? That’s the bigger question. | 更大的问题是 你是怎么做到让我愿意舔你的？ |
| [20:26] | Dude, that’s fuckin’ disgusting, man. | 老兄 那他妈太恶心了 天啊 |
| [20:29] | You don’t understand. I don’t even eat onions. | 你们不明白 我连洋葱都不吃 |
| [20:31] | I never thought I’d do nothing like that. I don’t know what came over me. | 我从没想过我会那样做 我不知道自己是怎么了 |
| [20:34] | I don’t know if it was the butt Holy Spirit or what, | 我不知道是屁股圣灵还是什么 |
| [20:36] | but that shit just | 但你的那儿 |
| [20:39] | had your boy speaking in tongues. You know what I mean? Just… | 让你的男人巧舌如簧 只会… |
| [20:46] | Still broke up. | 还是分手了 |
| [20:49] | Did you ever eat someone’s ass, then break up. | 舔了别人的屁股 然后分手了 |
| [20:53] | It’s the worst Last Supper ever, dude. | 这是史上最糟糕的《最后的晚餐》 |
| [20:56] | It’s just… | 真的是… |
| [21:00] | It’s disgusting. | 恶心 |
| [21:04] | Tastes like betrayal and pennies. | 尝起来像背叛和硬币的味道 |
| [21:11] | But… | 不过… |
| [21:13] | …it’s her religion, you know. | 那是她的宗教信仰 |
| [21:16] | I don’t, you know, discredit anybody’s beliefs. | 我不会诋毁任何人的信仰 |
| [21:19] | I believe in things. | 我也有信仰 |
| [21:20] | I do have beliefs. They might not be as deep-rooted as religion, | 我真的有信仰 可能不像宗教那么根深蒂固 |
| [21:24] | but I do believe in things that affect my life to a severe degree. | 但我确实相信一些 对我的人生影响至深的东西 |
| [21:27] | Um, for example, I’m… I’m a terrible sleeper. | 比如说 我的睡眠质量很差 |
| [21:30] | I… I have terrible, terrible sleep problems, | 我有严重的睡眠问题 |
| [21:33] | and part of that is to do with the fact that one of my biggest beliefs | 其中一部分原因在于 我最相信的东西之一 |
| [21:37] | is in ghosts and monsters. | 就是鬼魂和怪物 |
| [21:41] | I’m a 28-year-old grown man, and my biggest fear is the dark. | 我是个28岁的成年人 但我最大的恐惧是黑暗 |
| [21:44] | You don’t know what’s in there. | 你们不知道黑暗中有什么 |
| [21:46] | I’ll tell you, ghosts and monsters, | 我来告诉你们 有鬼魂和怪物 |
| [21:48] | and y’all look ridiculous for not being more concerned about it | 而你们在日常生活中 对此却没有多加关注 |
| [21:51] | on a day-to-day basis, dude. | 这太可笑了 |
| [21:53] | They’re so real. | 它们超真实 |
| [21:54] | I’m such a bitch, man. I really am. | 我太弱鸡了 真的 |
| [21:56] | I– | 我… |
| [21:57] | I literally have to sleep with my TV on every single night | 我每晚都得开着电视睡觉 |
| [22:01] | ’cause I’ve really convinced myself that if the TV’s on, | 因为我真的相信 只要开着电视 |
| [22:05] | the ghosts are gonna think I have people over, | 鬼魂就会觉得有人跟我在一起 |
| [22:09] | so… I’ll just be like chiming in to shit that I’m watchin’, | 所以我会和电视对话 |
| [22:13] | just doin’ too much. | 表现得很夸张 |
| [22:15] | Just… Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh. | 真的是…- |
| [22:17] | That’s crazy how much fun we’re all having in here. | 难以置信 我们会玩得这么开心 |
| [22:23] | Just me and 12 of the biggest Black dudes you’ve ever seen. | 就我和12个你见过的最壮硕的黑人 |
| [22:28] | Hanging out watching Mean Girls . | 一起看《贱女孩》 |
| [22:31] | You know, you gotta… …lay down some ground rules. | 你得定下一些基本规则 |
| [22:34] | Gotta let these ghosts know they’re not safe in your house. | 得让那些鬼知道 它们在你家不安全 |
| [22:37] | You squatted up in there. They don’t know. | 你蹲在那里面 它们不知道 |
| [22:40] | Twelve Black dudes ain’t afraid of nothin’. | 12个黑人无所畏惧 |
| [22:42] | Except for people dressed like ghosts. | 只怕打扮得像鬼一样的人 |
| [22:48] | Yeah. | 是啊 |
| [22:51] | I told you all monsters are real. | 我跟你们说 所有怪物都是真的 |
| [22:56] | I just… I… I do not mess with ghosts, man. | 我是不会招惹鬼魂的 |
| [22:59] | You can’t even confront ’em ’cause the ironic thing about ghosts | 你连跟它们对峙都不行 因为鬼魂最讽刺的一点就是 |
| [23:03] | is the more innocent and approachable a ghost should be, the scarier it is. | 越天真无邪、平易近人的鬼 越可怕 |
| [23:08] | The ghost of a child. Get the fuck away from me. | 小孩的鬼魂 离我远点 |
| [23:11] | I don’t know if you’re a demon | 我不知道你是恶魔 |
| [23:14] | or an Amber Alert, but I want you outta my house right now. | 还是安珀警报 但我要你马上离开我家 |
| [23:17] | Those are always the scariest ones, just showin’ up in your hallways. | 它们永远都是最恐怖的 出现在你的门廊里 |
| [23:20] | Come play with us. | 来和我们一起玩吧 |
| [23:23] | They’re always British. | 它们永远都是英国鬼 |
| [23:25] | All dead kids are British when they’re a ghost for no reason. | 小孩死后变成鬼 都会是英国鬼 毫无理由 |
| [23:28] | Little dead British kids always wanna play. | 死去的英国小孩总是想玩 |
| [23:32] | I don’t even know what an American kid ghost would say, | 我都不知道一个美国小孩鬼会说什么 |
| [23:36] | but that’d be terrifying to hear. | 但肯定很恐怖 |
| [23:38] | Can you imagine crawling into bed at 3:00 a.m. and hear, | 你们能想象吗？ 凌晨3点爬上床 然后听到 |
| [23:41] | “I hate this school.” | “我讨厌这所学校” |
| [23:56] | Just seeing if y’all are still fun. | 就是看看你们还开不开得起玩笑 |
| [23:58] | Just wanted to see. Just wanted to see. | 就是想看看 |
| [24:00] | Just checkin’ in. | 确认一下 |
| [24:04] | Ah, dude. | 朋友们 |
| [24:05] | Ghosts are terrifying, man. | 鬼魂真的很可怕 |
| [24:08] | The only thing that scares me more than ghosts is monsters, | 比鬼更可怕的是怪物 |
| [24:11] | and I’m… I’m pretty sick of y’all not taking ’em serious. | 我已经受够了你们不把它们当回事 |
| [24:15] | ‘Cause they’re all over the place, man. | 因为它们无处不在 |
| [24:17] | That’s the thing about monsters. Nobody knows where they’re at. | 怪物就是这样 没人知道它们在哪里 |
| [24:20] | Everybody has theories as to where they think they hide. | 关于它们的藏身处 每个人都有不同的说法 |
| [24:22] | I’ve… I’ve heard weird places. I’ve heard, like, closed shower curtain. | 我听说过一些奇怪的地方 我听说过关着的浴帘 |
| [24:26] | I know people who won’t use a restroom unless they open the shower curtain first | 我认识一些人 不先拉开浴帘 他们就不用洗手间 |
| [24:30] | to make sure this motherfucker isn’t in there lathering up with the 3-in-1. | 得确保那个混蛋没在里面泡三合一浴 |
| [24:34] | It turns out he’s the one takin’ fistfuls of hair against the shower walls | 原来这么多年来 就是他把大把头发 |
| [24:37] | for all those years. | 抹在墙上 |
| [24:42] | A little skeptical about that one. | 我对这种说法持怀疑态度 |
| [24:44] | Some places make more sense than others. | 有些地方要更合理些 |
| [24:46] | The closet is a big one. It’s pretty standard. | 比如衣柜 大家都很认可 |
| [24:49] | Plenty of people are afraid of a monster comin’ out | 很多人都害怕半夜会有怪物冲出来 |
| [24:51] | in the middle of the night just eatin’ you up. | 然后把你吃掉 |
| [24:54] | That checks out. That’s fuckin’ terrifyin’. | 这很合理 那真的很恐怖 |
| [24:56] | You can’t have a monster comin’ outta the closet. That’s scary twice. | 你不能让一个怪物出柜 那样会可怕翻倍的 |
| [25:05] | You’re tellin’ me not only is there a monster in my room | 你这是在告诉我 我家不光有怪物 |
| [25:09] | but maybe he’s gay? | 而且它还可能是个同志 |
| [25:13] | You said he was gonna eat me up. | 你说它会把我吃掉 |
| [25:17] | You didn’t say dick first. You left out so many details. | 但你没说会先吃老二 你遗漏了好多细节 |
| [25:22] | Now, I’ve just got this gay darkness roaming around my bedroom? | 现在我的卧室里 充斥着同志气息的黑暗 |
| [25:26] | I’m being haunted by Lil Nas X? | 我被利尔·纳斯·X缠上了 |
| [25:28] | You let me know. You let me know. | 你告诉我 |
| [25:35] | I wanna know if the next song’s about me. | 我想知道下一首歌是不是关于我的 |
| [25:39] | Like, why’d he choose my closet, ya know? Like, it’s… | 他为什么选了我的衣柜？ |
| [25:43] | That’s less scary more flattering. I can get on board with that. | 这样就没那么可怕 反而比较讨喜了 这我可以接受 |
| [25:47] | The closet makes sense. | 衣柜很合理 |
| [25:49] | I will say probably the number one spot that’s most common | 我想说 也许最常见的 |
| [25:52] | that I was never really afraid of a monster hiding there | 我从未真正害怕过的 有怪物躲着的其中一个地方 |
| [25:55] | was under the bed. | 就是床底下 |
| [25:58] | It’s one of the more common places, especially when you’re a kid. | 这是比较常见的地方之一 尤其在你小时候 |
| [26:01] | You’d be afraid of a monster’s hand comin’ up and grabbin’ your leg. | 你会害怕怪物伸出手来抓住你的腿 |
| [26:06] | Never scared me. | 我从来都不怕 |
| [26:07] | I think because I started masturbating pretty early. | 我想是因为我很早就开始打飞机了 |
| [26:11] | So by 11 or 12, I was like, “Hey, huh, | 所以到了11或12点 我会想：“嘿 |
| [26:15] | if a hand reach up here.” | 如果有只手伸上来” |
| [26:19] | He’s just helpin’. You know what I mean? | 它只是在帮忙而已 你们懂我的意思吗？ |
| [26:22] | I’m the monster now. | 现在我才是怪物 |
| [26:24] | You know, bro. He ain’t even built for that, bro. | 要知道 它甚至都不是为此而生的 |
| [26:27] | I would dick my bed demon down, dude. | 我会操翻我的床怪 |
| [26:30] | He’s not built for those rounds. He’d be catchin’ feelin’s, | 它应付不来我的火力 它会对我产生感觉 |
| [26:34] | getting possessive and shit. | 变得有占有欲什么的 |
| [26:36] | He’s knockin’ on my headboard at 3:00 a.m. He’s like, “You up?” | 凌晨3点敲着我的床头板说：“你醒了吗？” |
| [26:39] | What? | 啥？- |
| [26:41] | I got school in the morning, dawg. Chill out. Chill. | 我早上还要上学 冷静点 冷静 |
| [26:44] | Goddamn. | 妈的 |
| [26:45] | You’re not full? Huh? | 你还没满足？ |
| [26:52] | I didn’t think he could fit under there, man. | 我觉得我床底塞不下它 |
| [26:55] | There’s no way there’s room for a monster and all those towels under my bed. | 我的床底下不可能 塞得下一个怪物和那么多毛巾 |
| [26:59] | You know what I mean? | 你们懂我的意思吗？ |
| [27:01] | And if there is one, he is crunchy. | 如果有的话 它肯定很松脆 |
| [27:03] | He ain’t… | 它不会… |
| [27:04] | He ain’t sneakin’ up on nobody. It’s way too loud. | 它不可能偷偷接近任何人 动静太大了 |
| [27:11] | You can hear a semen demon coming from a mile away. | 隔老远就能听到精液恶魔的动静 |
| [27:14] | You really can, right? | 真的 |
| [27:16] | They ain’t got no stealth at all. | 它们完全无法蹑手蹑脚 |
| [27:20] | It’s a damn shame. | 太可惜了 |
| [27:26] | However, | 不过 |
| [27:28] | piggybacking off of semen demons… | 利用精液魔鬼… |
| [27:31] | The– | 呃- |
| [27:32] | There is another monster people are pretty afraid of we should talk about. | 我们还得说说另一个大家很怕的怪物 |
| [27:36] | Clowns. | 小丑 |
| [27:37] | A lot of people don’t fuck with clowns. | 很多人都不喜欢小丑 |
| [27:40] | Even though you’ve dated a few. That’s on you. Still… | 虽然你们交往过几个 那只能挂UI你们自己 还是… |
| [27:44] | Still a respectable fear, I get it. | 还是很吓人 我懂 |
| [27:46] | I… I’m not personally afraid of clowns, but I get it. | 我个人是不怕小丑的 但我能理解 |
| [27:48] | I’ve… I’ve got four sisters, and they’re terrified of clowns. | 我有四个姐妹 她们都很怕小丑 |
| [27:52] | ‘Cause when I was about 13 years old, | 在我大约13岁时 |
| [27:54] | we all watched the, uh, the original It movies. | 我们都看过原版的《小丑回魂》 |
| [27:58] | For anybody who has no idea, there’s a movie called It . | 给不知道的人提示一下 有一部电影名叫《小丑回魂》 |
| [28:01] | It’s… it’s based on a Stephen King book. | 是根据斯蒂芬·金的书改编的 |
| [28:03] | It’s about this killer-demon-monster clown, | 讲了一个变态杀人狂小丑 |
| [28:07] | who lives in the sewer system, and he comes up through the drains | 他住在下水道里 他从排水沟爬出来 |
| [28:11] | to, like, eat children. That’s the whole movie, him as a monster. | 就为了吃小孩 整部电影就是这样 他是个怪物 |
| [28:14] | We watched this movie at my grandpa’s house, | 我们在我爷爷家看了这部电影 |
| [28:16] | and it scared my sisters so bad, | 把我的姐妹们吓坏了 |
| [28:20] | they didn’t shower for three weeks. | 她们整整三周没有洗澡 |
| [28:23] | That… that’s how terrified they were, that he was gonna come up | 她们就怕到了这种程度 她们小时候就怕他 |
| [28:27] | through the drains and eat them when they were kids. | 从排水沟爬出来把她们吃掉 |
| [28:29] | But they didn’t know that by that time… | 但她们不知道 |
| [28:33] | I had been jerking off in the shower. | 那时候我已经开始在洗澡时打飞机了 |
| [28:36] | So like, | 所以感觉就像 |
| [28:37] | he been eating my children. I figured… | 他在吃我的小孩 我猜… |
| [28:41] | I figure we built a good rapport and understanding, you know? | 我想我们建立了良好的关系和默契 |
| [28:44] | You’re not gonna kill the cow when you get the milk for free. | 当你能免费得到牛奶时 你是不会把奶牛杀掉的 |
| [28:47] | That’s just… That’s bad Business 101. You know? | 那是最典型的亏本买卖 不是吗？ |
| [28:50] | His name is Pennywise, but he be eating quarter-loads. | 他叫一分钱 潘尼怀斯 但他吃超多 |
| [28:53] | I’ll tell ya that much right now. That boy… | 我可以这么跟你们说 那小子… |
| [28:56] | That boy eatin’ good down there, man. | 那小子在下面吃得很好 |
| [28:59] | And they all float. Don’t they? Right on top of the water. | 它们会浮在水面上 不是吗？ |
| [29:03] | Like an oil spill. | 就像泄露的石油一样 |
| [29:07] | You shouldn’t be jerking off in the shower. | 洗澡的时候不应该打飞机 |
| [29:08] | That’s how you get early onset Candy Cane | 这就是你提前驼背的原因 |
| [29:11] | ’cause you’re just hunched over in that hot water. | 因为你在热水里弓着身 |
| [29:14] | You’re getting molded like a mouthpiece. | 你被塑造成了一个哨嘴 |
| [29:18] | It’s also a waste of your time | 这样也很浪费时间 |
| [29:19] | ’cause if you miss the drain directly, and it gets somewhere on the tub, | 因为如果你没能对准排水口的话 它就会喷得到处都是 |
| [29:23] | you gotta spend the next 12 minutes just gathering water, like… | 接下来的12分钟 你就得在那儿接水 然后… |
| [29:35] | It’s gotta be a direct hit, or it does no damage at all. And I’m– | 必须直接命中 否则没用的 |
| [29:39] | I’m realizing right now, I need more guy fans. That’d help a lot. | 我现在知道了 我需要多些男性粉丝 那会很有帮助 |
| [29:44] | If this room was 70% dudes the way it is women, this joke would have been like… | 如果大厅里 目前这70%的女人换成男人 这个笑话就会… |
| [29:50] | ‘Cause all the dudes get it | 因为男人都会懂 |
| [29:52] | and every girl is like, “Is it a jellyfish?” | 而女孩子只会说：“这是水母吗？” |
| [29:54] | Like, what? | 什么？ |
| [29:55] | Why… why would it stick– | 它为什么会粘在… |
| [29:57] | Kind of, consistency-wise, it’s not far off from a jellyfish. | 就稠度而言 它和水母相差无几 |
| [30:01] | It’s disgusting, whatever it is, man. | 不管是什么 它都很恶心 |
| [30:04] | Guys are so gross. | 男人真恶心 |
| [30:07] | Luckily, we’re funny on accident. | 幸好我们碰巧很风趣 |
| [30:11] | I think that’s what helps us get through the embarrassment of puberty | 我想这就是 帮我们度过青春期尴尬的关键 |
| [30:14] | ’cause you ladies would lose your mind | 因为如果你们女生真的看到 |
| [30:16] | if you really saw how much of a shitshow it is | 一个少年学习熟练打飞机的过程中 |
| [30:19] | to be a young man trying to learn how to masturbate proficiently. | 发生的各种糗事时 你们肯定会疯的 |
| [30:23] | Ah, dude. | 天啊 |
| [30:24] | It’s just embarrassing mistake after embarrassing mistake. | 那就是一个接一个 令人尴尬的错误而已 |
| [30:28] | I… I mean, I suppose nobody understands the difficulty more than women | 我想没有人 比女性更能理解这种困难了 |
| [30:32] | ’cause how y’all figure out your own little fidget spinner on your own | 因为你们也自己弄明白了 下面那个指尖陀螺是怎么回事 |
| [30:35] | I’ll never understand in a million years. | 我一百万年也无法明白 |
| [30:38] | Y’all are just thrown to the wilderness with no owner’s manual or nothing. | 你们就这样被扔到荒郊野外 没有任何使用手册的指引 |
| [30:42] | Just forced to figure it out for yourself. And you do! | 只能被迫自己弄清楚 而且你们成功了！ |
| [30:45] | All by yourself, and I’m so proud of each and every one of you. | 全靠自己 我真为你们每一个人骄傲 |
| [30:48] | I really am. | 真的 |
| [30:49] | ‘Cause… | 因为… |
| [30:55] | ‘Cause if you didn’t, we never would, literally ever. | 因为如果连你们都没弄懂 我们就永远不可能搞明白了 |
| [30:59] | You already have to walk us through every step of the way, | 你们已经得一步步带着我们做了 |
| [31:02] | and even that’s exhausting in the simplest form. | 可即使是最简单的形式也很累人 |
| [31:06] | Fellas. | 兄弟们 |
| [31:08] | How many times have you fingered a girl for so long | 你们有多少次因为用手指撩拨太久 |
| [31:14] | you wake up the next day, like… | 以至于第二天醒来 你会想… |
| [31:21] | Did I go fuckin’ bowling last night? | 我昨晚是他妈去打保龄球了吗？ |
| [31:25] | Did I indoor rock climb for nine hours? | 我做了九个小时的室内攀岩吗？ |
| [31:29] | I’m walking around the next day pointing at shit like Spider-Man | 第二天我指东西都是蜘蛛侠的造型 |
| [31:32] | ’cause I can’t… | 因为我没办法… |
| [31:34] | I can’t straighten my tendons anymore. | 我已经伸不直我的肌腱了 |
| [31:37] | I can’t grip shit the next day. | 第二天我连东西都握不住了 |
| [31:39] | It’s like great. Yeah, you came, and I got cerebral palsy. | 太棒了 你高潮了 而我得了脑瘫 |
| [31:42] | Awesome. Yeah, that. | 太棒了 是啊 |
| [31:47] | It hurts, man. You ladies are very strong. Good job. | 好痛 你们女孩子可真厉害 做得好 |
| [31:53] | Women definitely have it harder. There’s no argument there. | 女人肯定更不容易 这一点无可争议 |
| [31:56] | I think men just have it more embarrassing, | 我觉得男人会更尴尬 |
| [31:58] | ’cause we don’t… we don’t take anybody’s advice. | 因为我们不接受任何人的建议 |
| [32:01] | We only learn via trial and error, and you don’t forget those errors. | 我们只能通过试错来学习 而且你不会忘记那些错误 |
| [32:05] | Every man in this room has been caught… | 在座的每个男人都曾经被人撞见过 |
| [32:08] | whether you know it or not. | 不管你们知不知道 |
| [32:12] | You’re not as sneaky as you think you are. | 你们并没有自己想的那么隐蔽 |
| [32:14] | And– That’s good, you have to figure out your system. | 这很好 你得琢磨出你自己的一套 |
| [32:17] | As an adult man, every guy in this room knows | 作为一个成年男人 在座的男人都知道 |
| [32:20] | how to do it, where to do it, when to do it. | 该怎么做 在哪里做 什么时候做 |
| [32:22] | How to adjust according to time zones and solstices. | 如何根据时区和至日进行调整 |
| [32:24] | There’s a whole… There’s a whole rigmarole that goes on, | 有一个完整的… 有一大堆乱七八糟的情况 |
| [32:27] | but we have to figure that out the hard way. | 但我们确实 要付出很大代价才能弄清楚 |
| [32:30] | And thank God I never got caught, like, in the act. | 谢天谢地 我从来没被抓过现行 |
| [32:33] | I don’t know how I would’ve recovered, | 否则我都不知道该怎么平复 |
| [32:35] | but I do remember getting caught with porn for the first time, | 但我记得 我看黄片第一次被撞见的场景 |
| [32:40] | and I was, uh, oh, boy… | 我当时 天啊 |
| [32:42] | I… I was 12 years old. | 我当时才12岁 |
| [32:45] | Yeah. In my defense, I wasn’t looking for porn when I found it. | 是啊 我解释一下 我并不是奔着找黄片去的 |
| [32:48] | I was looking for Christmas presents in my parents’ bedroom. | 我是在父母的卧室里找圣诞礼物 |
| [32:53] | It was middle of December. When I get home from school, | 当时是12月中旬 我放学回到家 |
| [32:55] | there was always a couple-hour window before my mom would get home from work. | 距离我妈下班回家还有几个小时时间 |
| [32:58] | I knew they’d been Christmas shopping, so I broke into their room. | 我知道他们在买圣诞礼物 所以我溜进了他们的房间 |
| [33:02] | I was snoopin’ around. First place I checked was under the bed. | 我到处查看 我最先找的地方是床底下 |
| [33:05] | My bed monster was there. | 我的床怪在那里 |
| [33:07] | “Oh, you looking for another bitch?” I was like… | “你在找别的床怪？” 我说： |
| [33:10] | “Not now, a different mission. Okay?” Um… | “现在不行 我有别的事 好了” |
| [33:16] | Closet. | 衣柜 |
| [33:18] | That’s where you keep the goods, right? | 你们的东西就是放在那儿 对吧？ |
| [33:20] | So I go over to the closet confidently. | 我自信满满地走向衣柜 |
| [33:23] | Wing it open. | 把它打开 |
| [33:28] | Nothin’. | 什么都没有 |
| [33:31] | So I was about to just give up and go back to my room, and I heard a voice. | 在我正要放弃 回我的房间时 我听到一个声音 |
| [33:35] | I don’t know if it came from in my head or under the bed, but it said, | 我不知道它是从我脑子里传出来的 还是从床下面 但它说： |
| [33:38] | “Check the top shelf.” | “看看柜子顶上” |
| [33:46] | So I did. | 于是我照做了 |
| [33:50] | And at first glance, it was a typical top shelf of a parents’ closet. | 乍一看 它就是 典型的父母衣柜的顶层 |
| [33:54] | Blankets folded up at the front, some hoodies to the side, | 前面放着叠起来的毯子 旁边有些卫衣 |
| [33:56] | but what caught my eye was a piece of blue cardboard | 但一个蓝色的纸板吸引了我的目光 |
| [33:59] | sticking up from behind the blankets, | 它从毯子后面露了出来 |
| [34:01] | so I brought the blankets down, and it revealed this… | 于是我把毯子拿下来 然后露出了… |
| [34:05] | this gigantic | 一个巨大的 |
| [34:07] | Bud Light beer box. | 百威啤酒箱 |
| [34:09] | One of the huge cases, like the 64-can count of Bud Light. | 最大的那种箱子 能装64罐的那种 |
| [34:13] | You have stepdads? You know what I’m talking about. | 你们有继父吗？你们知道我在说什么 |
| [34:16] | Yeah, “That this ain’t my real family” case of beer. | 是的 “这不是我真正的家”啤酒箱 |
| [34:21] | But I knew, even at 12 I knew. I was like, “That’s not where beer goes.” | 虽然才12岁 但我知道：“啤酒可不会放在这种地方 |
| [34:26] | “I betcha there’s presents in there.” | 我打赌里面一定有礼物” |
| [34:28] | And boy was there. | 那里头可真没少装 |
| [34:32] | Bro, I brought this box down. | 我把箱子拿下来 |
| [34:34] | It was the biggest box of porn anyone has ever seen. | 那是有史以来最大的色情片箱 |
| [34:38] | It was a whole box filled with, like, 40 VHS tapes | 满满一箱的录像带 |
| [34:43] | that my stepdad had accumulated over his “career,” I guess. | 我猜全是我继父 在他的“职业生涯”中攒下来的 |
| [34:48] | And I’m… | 我… |
| [34:49] | I’m just siftin’ through ’em. They’re labeled different, weird things. | 我在那儿翻找 它们贴有不同的标签 奇怪的标签 |
| [34:53] | One of them was, like, April 2003, | 其中一个是2003年4月 |
| [34:56] | which was terrifying ’cause that’s my mom’s name. | 很恐怖 因为写的是我妈的名字 |
| [35:00] | I was like, “June, July, August better be in here somewhere.” | 我在那儿：“这里头 最好还有六月、七月和八月” |
| [35:03] | Like this better be… | 最好是… |
| [35:05] | This better be a time stamp and not therapy forever. | 这最好是一个时间戳 而不是终身心理创伤治疗 |
| [35:08] | Um… Couldn’t risk it, chose a blank one off the top, | 不能冒险 选了最上面一个没有标签的 |
| [35:12] | put the box and blankets back exactly the way I found them, | 把箱子原样放回原处 |
| [35:14] | ran to my room with it. | 拿着它跑回我房间 |
| [35:15] | I had a VHS player in my room, and I watched it. | 我房间里有台录像机 然后我看了录像带 |
| [35:18] | A lot. | 很多遍 |
| [35:21] | That first one was for me. Treat yourself. | 第一个是给我的 好好款待自己 |
| [35:23] | Yeah. But after that first time, I was really in there taking down notes. | 但第一次之后 我真的开始写笔记了 |
| [35:28] | ‘Cause not a lot of women really know how important | 因为很多女人都不知道 |
| [35:31] | porn is to the learning process of a young man. | 黄片对一个少年的学习历程有多重要 |
| [35:33] | ‘Cause before we see porn, we don’t know anything, | 在看黄片前 我们什么都不懂 |
| [35:37] | and we really pretend like we do, | 我们都假装自己很懂 |
| [35:39] | so this is a bombshell of new information to try to absorb. | 所以那是种爆炸性的新信息 需要我们好好吸收 |
| [35:43] | It’s very confusing. When you’re that young and inexperienced, | 当你年少无知没有经验时 它们非常令人困惑 |
| [35:46] | you have no idea that porn | 你不知道黄片 |
| [35:49] | is not real sex. | 并不是真正的性爱 |
| [35:51] | At that age, you can’t even fathom that those are two different things. | 在那个年纪 你甚至无法理解这是两码事 |
| [35:55] | After I watched this one movie, | 看完那部电影后 |
| [35:56] | I thought you could only have sex with five other people. | 我以为你只能和五个人上床 |
| [36:01] | I thought all sex was gang bangs. I was like, “Huh?” | 我以为所有性爱 都是群交 我心想：“嗯？” |
| [36:04] | I need more and better friends. | 我需要更多更好的朋友 |
| [36:08] | Not Alex. | 阿莱克斯不算 |
| [36:14] | It’s also a lot of positive information we do need | 它也有很多我们需要的积极的信息 |
| [36:17] | ’cause we’re so stupid and so confident at that age. | 因为我们在那个年纪 实在太蠢又太自信了 |
| [36:20] | You ever talked to a middle school boy? | 你们跟中学生聊过天吗？ |
| [36:21] | We’re all like, “I fucked 100 girls last recess, bro.” | 我们会说：“上个课间 我搞了100个女生 兄弟 |
| [36:26] | “You’re a virgin.” | 你是个处男” |
| [36:27] | And then, we’ll finally see porn a year later, and we’re like, | 一年后 我们终于 看过黄片了 我们会想： |
| [36:31] | “Oh shit!” | “该死！ |
| [36:33] | “Pussy is so much lower than I thought it was.” | 阴部比我以为得要低得多” |
| [36:38] | But before we see porn, every boy thinks a pussy is right here. | 但在我们看黄片前 所有男生都以为阴部在这里 |
| [36:43] | We think we walk dick-first into your belly button, and that’s just… | 我们以为可以边走 边把老二送进你们的肚脐 而那就是… |
| [36:47] | That’s what doing sex is. You know what I mean? | 那就是所谓的性爱 你们懂我的意思吗？ |
| [36:50] | You hope she got an innie. | 你会希望她的肚脐是凹进去的 |
| [36:57] | So it’s… it’s a lot of new information to try to digest, you know? | 需要消化很多新信息 |
| [37:00] | I’m enjoyin’ myself. I’m excited. | 我很享受 我很兴奋 |
| [37:02] | Can’t wait to go to school. Tell my friends. I know I’mma be the man. | 我等不及要去学校告诉朋友们了 我会是他们眼中的真男人 |
| [37:06] | But because I was so caught up, | 但因为我太专注了 |
| [37:08] | I made the biggest rookie mistake. | 我犯了菜鸟犯的最大的错误 |
| [37:10] | I… I… I didn’t even think… to… put it back. | 我根本没想过…要把它放回去 |
| [37:15] | I put the box and blankets back, but I was like, “He’s got plenty.” | 我把箱子和毯子都放回去了 但我想着：“他有很多” |
| [37:19] | There’s no way he’s gonna notice one missing, right? | 他不可能注意到 有一盘不见了 对吧？ |
| [37:22] | Wrong. | 错！ |
| [37:25] | The same night, dude, around 11:00 p.m. | 当天晚上 大约11点钟 |
| [37:27] | I didn’t even get this tape for 24 hours. | 那盘录像带在我手上还不到24小时 |
| [37:30] | I’m in my room, packing up for school the next day. | 我在我房间 准备明天上学的东西 |
| [37:33] | Backpack’s full, I’m crawling in bed. I’m fuckin’ exhausted. | 书包塞满了 我爬上床 我累死了 |
| [37:41] | From all the notes. | 因为写了太多笔记 |
| [37:45] | And I’m nice and cozy under the sheets, | 我在被窝里舒服地躺着 |
| [37:47] | comfy under the covers, | 舒服惬意 |
| [37:48] | and I hear my stepdad come home from working his late-night shift. | 然后我听到继父下夜班回家来的声音 |
| [37:53] | The sounds in the house were routine every single night. | 屋子里所有的声音 每天晚上都是千篇一律的 |
| [37:56] | I could paint the picture and see what he was doing | 我不用看都能想象得到 |
| [37:58] | without seeing what he was doing. | 他在做些什么 |
| [38:00] | All the sounds are the same every night. | 每晚的声音都是一样的 |
| [38:01] | You’d hear him come through the garage into the kitchen, crack a beer, | 你会听到他从车库走进厨房 打开一罐啤酒 |
| [38:05] | come through the living room into the bedroom, | 穿过客厅走到卧室 |
| [38:07] | where you hear him turn on the shower and get outta his work clothes. | 你会听到他打开淋浴头 脱下工作服 |
| [38:10] | Just like every night. | 就像每天晚上一样 |
| [38:12] | Only this night, | 只不过那一晚 |
| [38:14] | I hear him crack the beer, | 我听到他开了啤酒 |
| [38:16] | come through the living room into the bedroom… | 穿过客厅走到卧室 |
| [38:20] | no shower. | 但没有洗澡 |
| [38:23] | Just like 20-25 seconds of silence. | 在20到25秒的寂静后 |
| [38:27] | And then, I hear | 我听到 |
| [38:28] | throughout the house… | 整个家都在回荡： |
| [38:32] | “What the fuck?” | “搞什么鬼？” |
| [38:42] | I’m in my room, like, “That could be anything.” | 我在房间里想着：“这什么情况都有可能” |
| [38:48] | I hope my mom’s cheating in there. | 我希望是我妈妈在和别人乱搞 |
| [38:52] | I hope he walked in on five other people in his house. | 我希望他在自己家里发现五个陌生人 |
| [38:58] | Because that exclamation was followed by another two minutes | 因为那声惊呼之后 |
| [39:03] | of just silence. | 又是两分钟的寂静 |
| [39:05] | So I’m… I’m in my room, like, “What the fuck is going on?” | 我在房间里想着：“什么情况？” |
| [39:10] | Because then, I hear the footsteps again. | 因为之后我又听到了脚步声 |
| [39:15] | They’re getting closer and heavier. | 它们越来越近 越来越大声 |
| [39:18] | I’m sweating and hard, a terrifying combination at that age. | 我一边流汗 一边还硬了 在那个年纪 这是种可怕的组合 |
| [39:24] | It was the first time in my life I hoped mysterious footsteps was a ghost… | 那是我第一次希望 那神秘的脚步声是鬼来了 |
| [39:29] | …preferably the ghost of my real dad, so this wasn’t about to happen. | 最好是我亲生父亲的鬼魂 这样就不会发生那种事了 |
| [39:34] | I knew he was gonna whoop my ass. | 我知道他会抽我的屁股 |
| [39:36] | I knew I was in trouble. My bed monster was holdin’ my hand. | 我知道我有麻烦了 我的床怪牵着我的手 |
| [39:38] | I’m like, “Not right now. Chill, chill.” | 我说：“现在不行 冷静点 |
| [39:41] | “Maybe after. We’ll see how this goes.” | 也许待会儿吧 我们看看情况” |
| [39:44] | The footsteps stop at my bedroom door. | 脚步声停在了我的卧室门口 |
| [39:48] | I’m like, “Fuck!” | 我心想：“靠！” |
| [39:51] | The door creaks open, | 门被打开了 |
| [39:56] | and my stepdad leans in, | 我继父走了进来 |
| [39:59] | and all he says is… | 他说： |
| [40:03] | “I’m missing something.” | “我有东西不见了 |
| [40:13] | “I know you know | 我知道你知道 |
| [40:16] | what I know, | 我知道些什么 |
| [40:19] | and when I get home from work tomorrow, | 等我明天下班回家 |
| [40:23] | I want it back | 我要它回到原处 |
| [40:26] | and rewound.” | 倒好带” |
| [40:39] | I was like, “To the beginning or where you finished?” | 我说：“倒到开头 还是你上次看的地方？” |
| [40:44] | We gotta come up with some kind of time system now. | 我们得商量出一个时间表来 |
| [40:47] | This… this is our collection now, okay? | 这现在是我们的藏品了 好吗？ |
| [40:51] | He was like, “You wanna be grounded?” | 他说：“你想被禁足吗？” |
| [40:52] | “Gonna keep me in my room with this movie? I guess, lock me up.” | “如果要把我和这电影一起 关在房间里 那就把我锁起来吧” |
| [40:55] | Know what I mean? | 懂我的意思吗？ |
| [40:56] | All summer, baby. I’m good. | 整个夏天 宝贝 我可以 |
| [40:59] | It was a real turning point in he and I’s relationship | 那是他和我的关系的一个转折点 |
| [41:01] | ’cause we hated each other, we had nothing in common, | 因为我们本来很讨厌对方 我们毫无共同点 |
| [41:04] | but… but we… we finally had a thing. | 但我们终于有一个了 |
| [41:07] | You know, I… I finally had leverage for once. | 我终于有了筹码 |
| [41:09] | We couldn’t snitch on the other person without losing everything. It was nice. | 我们无法在不失去一切的情况下 告发对方 这样很好 |
| [41:13] | You could either beat me or your dick. You ain’t gonna do both, okay. | 你要么打我 要么打飞机 不可能二者兼得 好吗？ |
| [41:18] | Deal? | 成交 |
| [41:20] | Deal? | 成交 |
| [41:29] | That’s how we bonded. You know? It was nice. | 我们就是这样建立情感联结的 很好 |
| [41:33] | Oh, man. | 天啊 |
| [41:40] | Yeah. That was a good bonding experience, man. | 是的 那是一次很好的增进感情的经历 |
| [41:44] | Then, the Internet had to come and ruin everythin’. | 然后互联网出现了 毁了一切 |
| [41:47] | I like Internet porn, but you can’t bond with your family anymore. | 我喜欢网络黄片 但这样你就不能再和家人增进感情了 |
| [41:53] | I hate the Internet. I really do. | 我讨厌网络 真的 |
| [41:56] | Social media… I can’t stand social media, | 社交媒体 我完全受不了社交媒体 |
| [41:58] | which I know is crazy for y’all to hear ’cause it’s why you’re all here. | 我知道你们觉得这话很荒谬 因为你们就是因为网络才会在这儿的 |
| [42:03] | That’s a fun fact for you to know. I hate social media. | 但这是关于我的一个有趣的事实 我讨厌社交媒体 |
| [42:06] | I never wanted to do it. I put it off for years. I can’t stand it. | 我一直都不想参与 我拖了好几年 我受不了它 |
| [42:09] | I think social media is awful, such a negative, toxic place. | 我觉得社交媒体很可怕 是个负面且有毒的地方 |
| [42:12] | It’s full of horrible people saying horrible things all the time. | 上面全是一群出口伤人的可怕的人 |
| [42:15] | It’s the worst place to never exist, man. | 这是个永远不该存在的最糟糕的地方 |
| [42:21] | It’s awful what people say, | 人们说的那些话很可怕 |
| [42:23] | these… these… these people, these… trolls. | 那些人 那些…网络喷子 |
| [42:27] | It’s a bunch of fuckin’ losers | 一群废物 |
| [42:30] | with no friends and no life, | 没有朋友 没有生活 |
| [42:32] | and no profile picture. | 也没有头像 |
| [42:36] | Sit at home all day trying to… …cancel people, | 整天坐在家里 试图抵制别人 |
| [42:39] | or say mean comments ’cause their life sucks so fuckin’ bad | 或者发一些刻薄的评论 因为他们的人生一败涂地 |
| [42:43] | they can’t possibly imagine a life of misery by themselves. | 他们根本无法想象 要自己独自承受这种不幸 |
| [42:45] | They have to try to drag other people down by leaving mean comments | 他们必须发些恶意评论 说刻薄的话 |
| [42:48] | and saying rude stuff. | 来拉别人下水 |
| [42:51] | I respond every time. Every time, dude. I… | 我每次都会回应 每次都是 朋友们 |
| [42:55] | I can’t not! | 我不能沉默！ |
| [42:56] | I can’t– I cannot fathom a reality | 我无法理解这件事 |
| [42:58] | where people can talk to you as disrespectful as they want | 别人可以肆无忌惮地贬低你 |
| [43:01] | without facing any physical consequences. | 而不用承受任何实质后果 |
| [43:03] | That drives me absolutely insane, man. | 这要把我逼疯了 |
| [43:06] | And I know– | 我知道… |
| [43:07] | I– | 我… |
| [43:10] | I know… I… I know as a… “…public figure,” | 我知道我是个“公众人物” |
| [43:13] | I’m supposed to be, like, the bigger person and take the high road, | 我应该更大度包容 高风亮节 |
| [43:17] | but fuckin’ kill yourself, dude. I… | 但你丫去死吧 老兄 |
| [43:21] | That goes for any Internet shit talker out there, man. | 这话我是对所有网络喷子说的 |
| [43:24] | And I know that’s a harsh thing to say to somebody, | 我知道对别人说这种话很伤人 |
| [43:26] | but the way I see it, nobody who’s a good person | 但在我看来 一个好人 |
| [43:29] | and actually contributes anything positive to society | 一个真正对社会有积极贡献的人 |
| [43:32] | is ever gonna go out of their way to leave a negative comment | 是不会刻意在你勇敢创作 |
| [43:35] | under something you’ve been so brave as to create and share with the world, | 并想与全世界分享的东西下 留下一些负面的评论 |
| [43:38] | and we just don’t need people like that around. | 我们并不需要那样的人 |
| [43:40] | Sorry. | 抱歉 |
| [43:46] | It’s just insane the lengths people will go to talk shit on the Internet, man. | 大家在网上说垃圾话的程度太夸张了 |
| [43:51] | Earlier this year, we were flying from Los Angeles up to Vancouver, Canada | 今年早些时候 我们从洛杉矶飞往加拿大温哥华 |
| [43:55] | for a comedy festival. | 去参加一个喜剧节 |
| [43:56] | I had one show, one night. It was a 36-hour trip. Real quick, in and out. | 我有一天晚上有一个节目 那是趟36小时的旅程 很快 快去快回 |
| [44:00] | Right? Head to the airport. | 对吧？去机场 |
| [44:01] | The only thing I’ve brought with me was my backpack, | 我唯一带的东西就是我的背包 |
| [44:04] | which you’d think would be ideal except for it’s an inconvenience | 你们会觉得背包很理想 |
| [44:07] | as soon as you get to the airport | 但除了去机场的时候 |
| [44:08] | ’cause TSA doesn’t know where the fuck a backpack goes, | 因为运输安全局 不知道背包该怎么处理 |
| [44:12] | and they change the rules every day and then treat you like you’re an idiot | 而且他们每天都在改规则 然后他们就把你当白痴对待 |
| [44:16] | for not knowing their made-up set of rules. | 因为你不知道他们胡编的规则 |
| [44:19] | This specific occasion, I get through TSA, | 这次 我通过了运输安全检查 |
| [44:22] | little to no issues. | 几乎没有问题 |
| [44:23] | They don’t have to pull the bag aside. | 他们不用把包放到一边 |
| [44:26] | Now, I’m heading to the gate, heading to the plane. | 我朝登机口走去 朝飞机走去 |
| [44:28] | I’m actually pretty excited about the flight | 我对这次航班还挺期待的 |
| [44:30] | ’cause it’s not that long, and I know I have a window seat, | 因为它不算太久 而且我知道我的座位靠窗边 |
| [44:33] | which is inarguably the best seat on the plane. | 这无疑是飞机上最棒的位置 |
| [44:35] | Yeah. Yeah, until the end of the flight. | 是的…直到飞机快降落 |
| [44:41] | ‘Cause you know how they come by to let you know they’re about to land? | 因为你们知道啦 他们会过来告诉你飞机要降落了 |
| [44:46] | Fifty-five minutes before they’re about to land. | 在他们确实要降落的55分钟前 |
| [44:50] | And they will… | 他们会… |
| [44:51] | And they will wake you up from your window slumber | 他们会把你从窗旁的沉睡中摇醒 |
| [44:54] | just to say some stupid shit like, | 就为了说些废话： |
| [44:56] | “I need you to put your window shade | “降落期间 |
| [44:58] | all the way up for landing.” | 请把遮阳板打开” |
| [45:01] | Like this motherfucker checking his blind spot in 28F. | 就像那个混蛋在检查 位于28F号座位的盲点一样 |
| [45:14] | So, I’m at least looking forward to gettin’ a little nap on the flight. | 我期待在飞机上能小睡片刻 |
| [45:17] | So we’re boarding the plane. It’s a smaller plane, | 我们登机了 那是架较小的飞机 |
| [45:20] | one you’ve all been on, | 你们都坐过的那种 |
| [45:21] | where the overhead bins are so small they make you gate-check all your luggage. | 飞机上头顶行李架很小 他们会让你 把所有的行李都托运的那种 |
| [45:25] | So I lucked out just having the backpack | 我很幸运 只带了个背包 |
| [45:27] | ’cause even if the bag did fit in the bin, which it didn’t. Too small. | 因为就算那个包能放进行李架 当然并不行 太小了 |
| [45:31] | Everybody knows your backpack goes under the seat in front. | 大家都知道你的背包 要放在前面的座位下面 |
| [45:34] | I know that, you know that. I do it six times a week. | 我知道 你也知道 我一周坐六次飞机 |
| [45:36] | So I’m settlin’ into the seat, putting the bag under, | 我坐到座位上 把包塞下去 |
| [45:39] | and I had made a small mistake. | 然后我犯了一个小错误 |
| [45:40] | I… I had overpacked the bag by just a little bit. | 我把包装得有点太满了 |
| [45:44] | So it only fit, like, 75% under the seat in front of me. | 所以它只有大约75%能被塞进去 |
| [45:47] | So I’m feelin’ it out and I’m like, you know what? | 我目测了一下 想着 你猜怎么着？ |
| [45:50] | I’ll have more room and be more comfortable | 如果我把包这样垫在腿下 |
| [45:52] | if I put my bag underneath my legs this way. | 我坐得会更宽敞 更舒服一些 |
| [45:55] | So much more room. | 多了很多空间 |
| [45:57] | I… I… I could still mermaid a little bit. | 我还可以像美人鱼一样摆摆腿 |
| [46:00] | Problem solved. Now, I’m sitting back relaxing, | 问题解决了 于是我悠闲地坐在那儿 |
| [46:02] | waiting to see who’s gonna sit next to me ’cause who sits next to you | 等着看我旁边坐的人是谁 因为坐在你旁边的人 |
| [46:06] | plays a huge impact on your flight experience, right? | 对你的飞行体验有着巨大的影响 |
| [46:09] | I get fucked immediately. | 结果我立刻就悲剧了 |
| [46:12] | Dude, right behind me in the boarding process, | 紧随我后面登机的 |
| [46:14] | here comes two of the worst possible passengers to sit next to. | 是两个可能你最不想碰到的邻座乘客 |
| [46:17] | Beside me in the middle seat, is a three-year-old boy who– | 坐在我旁边 中间位置的是一个三岁的小男孩 |
| [46:22] | Yeah, as soon as he sits down, is on his three-year-old… | 他刚一坐下来 他就开始他的三岁… |
| [46:31] | I’m just like, man. | 我觉得 天啊 |
| [46:34] | I will cave this motherfucker’s sternum in. | 我要把这个混蛋的胸骨锤进去 |
| [46:36] | Okay? | 好吗？ |
| [46:38] | I bet it’s still soft. | 我打赌它们还很软 |
| [46:42] | And… I’m pissed off. | 我气得不行 |
| [46:44] | Not at the crying. Your baby crying on a plane doesn’t even bother me. | 不是气他哭哦 我根本不介意你的孩子在飞机上哭 |
| [46:48] | I know you can’t control that, but what you can control | 我知道你控制不了这件事 但你可以控制的 |
| [46:50] | is the physicality of your child. | 是你小孩的身体 |
| [46:53] | ‘Cause for the rest of this 30-minute boarding process, | 因为在接下来的30分钟的登机过程中 |
| [46:56] | this kid would not get his hand | 那小孩的手一直 |
| [47:00] | this far away from my face. | 一直离我的脸这么近 |
| [47:02] | Just… | 这样… |
| [47:06] | And I’m doing all the polite things to get him away. | 我用尽了所有礼貌的方式推开他 |
| [47:08] | I’m like, “Okay, but… Okay, all right. Probably…” | 我说：“好吧 但… 行 好吧 这样… |
| [47:12] | “Probably enough. Somebody can break this up?” | 差不多了 谁能来阻止一下他？” |
| [47:14] | I’m doing all the things to let the dad know | 我想尽一切办法让那个爸爸知道 |
| [47:17] | this isn’t okay, and he’s not paying attention. | 这样不行 结果他根本没看到 |
| [47:21] | I was this close to leaning over to the dad | 我差点就要凑到他爸爸面前 |
| [47:23] | and being like, “Hey!” | 然后说：“嘿 |
| [47:25] | “You mind getting your sexy-ass kid away from me.” | 你介意让你 性感的儿子离我远点吗？” |
| [47:38] | Yeah. I know that’s gross. | 是 我知道这样很恶心 |
| [47:41] | But what do I gotta do | 但我还能怎么做 |
| [47:43] | to get your attention to let you know this is inappropriate. | 才能让你注意到这样很不合适呢？ |
| [47:47] | What’s going on over here? | 这是什么情况？ |
| [47:50] | The dad could not have been more incompetent. | 那个爸爸真是太不称职了 |
| [47:52] | He was in the aisle seat watching shit on his iPad, | 他坐在靠过道的座位 用他的iPad在看什么东西 |
| [47:55] | and the… the dad was… | 那个爸爸… |
| [47:58] | No disrespect, just an accurate detail | 没有不尊重 只是准确的细节描述… |
| [48:00] | to the story, but the dad was no less than I’d… I’d say 425 pounds. | 要我说 那爸爸的体重不少于190公斤 |
| [48:05] | Like, he… he was a big dude. | 他是个大块头 |
| [48:07] | If I had to piss on this flight, it was gonna be in my seat, | 如果我需要在飞行途中尿尿 那我只能尿在座位上 |
| [48:10] | which I fully accepted. It’s… it’s fine. | 我完全能够接受这件事 没关系 |
| [48:13] | So I’m just… …trying to keep my composure. | 我努力想保持冷静 |
| [48:17] | We’re departing from the gate, heading towards the runway, | 我们离开了登机口 朝着跑道开去 |
| [48:19] | and the flight attendant’s making her rounds up and down, | 空乘人员在来回巡视 |
| [48:22] | make sure everyone’s buckled in, and she stopped at my row. | 确保大家都系好了安全带 她在我那排停了下来 |
| [48:25] | She saw my bag under my legs, and she goes, | 她看到了我腿下的背包 她说： |
| [48:29] | “Uh-huh.” | “不行哦 |
| [48:31] | “Sir, | 先生 |
| [48:33] | I’m gonna need you to put your bag under the seat in front of you.” | 请把您的包放到您前面的座位下” |
| [48:36] | I said, “Ahh.” | 我说：“啊 |
| [48:39] | “Doesn’t fit, but it’s okay.” | 放不进去 不过没关系 |
| [48:41] | “Look.” | 你看 |
| [48:44] | “Still got plenty of space, super comfortable.” | 还有很多空间 非常舒服 |
| [48:46] | “I wouldn’t even worry about it. Thank you.” | 不需要担心 谢谢” |
| [48:48] | And she goes, “It’s not okay.” | 她说：“这样不行 |
| [48:51] | “Put your bag under the seat in front of you, | 把您的包放到前面的座位下 |
| [48:52] | or I will check it where you can go get it at baggage claim.” | 否则我会把它拿走 您之后可以去行李处取回” |
| [48:58] | I s– I said, “It… it doesn’t fit, | 我说：“它放不进去 |
| [49:01] | and… we’ve already departed.” | 而且…我们已经出发了 |
| [49:06] | “What do you wanna do?” | 你想做什么？” |
| [49:09] | And she said, “I don’t know, | 她说：“我不知道 |
| [49:11] | not my bag, not my problem.” | 不是我的包 轮不到我操心” |
| [49:17] | I said, “You’re not gonna speak to me like this is Spirit Airlines, okay?” | 我说：“你不能用 廉价航空公司的语气跟我说话 |
| [49:22] | “I am an American | 我是美航 |
| [49:25] | Platinum Rewards Executive Pro member.” | 铂金奖励执行专业会员 |
| [49:28] | “Okay?” | 好吗？ |
| [49:29] | “And I have enough miles for us to speak like adults | 我有足够的里程 让我俩用成年人的方式对话 |
| [49:33] | and agree that we both know that’s a stupid rule.” | 而且我们都知道这是个愚蠢的规定 |
| [49:36] | “It’s not affecting anything.” | 它没有影响到任何东西 |
| [49:38] | “Look.” | 你看 |
| [49:41] | “Let’s just drop it and move on with the flight.” | 别再纠结这件事 继续飞吧” |
| [49:44] | She goes, “It’s not a stupid rule. It’s impeding your exit.” | 她说：“这不是愚蠢的规定 它阻碍了您出去” |
| [49:47] | I said, “Oh.” | 我说：“哦 |
| [49:49] | “For real?” | 真的吗？ |
| [49:52] | “Trapped. First one off is bitch.” | 被困住了 第一个下去的人 |
| [49:57] | “I promise you it’s okay.” | 我向你保证 没事的” |
| [50:00] | “It’s not okay. If there’s an emergency, | “不行 如果出现紧急状况 |
| [50:02] | you need to be able to get off as quickly as possible.” | 您必须要能以最快速度下飞机” |
| [50:05] | I said, “Hey, | 我说：“嘿 |
| [50:07] | what do you think’s impeding my exit more?” | 你觉得哪一个更可能阻碍我离开？ |
| [50:12] | “My bag | 我的包 |
| [50:14] | or fuckin’ Timon and Pumbaa… | 还是我旁边这对该死的 |
| [50:17] | …right next to me.” | 丁满和彭彭？” |
| [50:28] | “Huh?” | “啊？” |
| [50:30] | Even the baby was like… “Ahh!” And I was like, | 连那个宝宝都在…我说 |
| [50:34] | You’re pissing off this sexy-ass baby, man. | 你把这个性感宝宝惹生气了 |
| [50:45] | So now… | 此时 |
| [50:47] | believe it or not, now is when the trouble actually begins. | 不管你们信不信 此时麻烦才真正开始 |
| [50:52] | I’m on the plane, | 我在飞机上 |
| [50:54] | I’m pissed off, | 我很生气 |
| [50:56] | and I’ve got Wi-Fi. | 我有无线网络 |
| [51:01] | So, like an idiot, | 所以像个白痴一样 |
| [51:02] | as soon as I get service, I get on Twitter, | 我刚连上网 我就登陆了推特 |
| [51:05] | and I tweet about what I just went through. | 我在上面发布了刚刚发生的事情 |
| [51:07] | Basically, all I tweeted was just stating that I thought this was a ridiculous rule | 基本上我的推文都是在说 我认为这是一个荒谬的规定 |
| [51:11] | for her to threaten to check my bag and add this very inconvenient process | 而她居然威胁要拿走我的背包 为我这次快去快回的旅行 |
| [51:15] | to my very quick in-and-out trip | 徒增一些麻烦的程序 |
| [51:17] | when it wasn’t affecting anybody or anything. | 而我的包并没有影响到任何人或事 |
| [51:20] | That’s all I tweeted. | 我就写了这些 |
| [51:22] | And, man. | 然后 天啊 |
| [51:25] | I didn’t know that Twitter is | 我不知道推特上 |
| [51:29] | all… | 全是… |
| [51:35] | …flight attendants, all of them. | 空乘人员 全都是 |
| [51:36] | Every single one of them. | 每个人都是 |
| [51:39] | Everybody on Twitter knows every airplane rule, | 推特上的每个人 都对飞机规则如数家珍 |
| [51:42] | and they give the most amount of fucks about them, apparently. | 而且显然 他们都觉得它们很重要 |
| [51:45] | Dude, hundreds, on hundreds, | 朋友们 几百个 又几百个 |
| [51:48] | on hundreds | 又几百个 |
| [51:50] | of strangers start filling my timeline with the angriest tweets, | 陌生人开始 在我的时间线上发布最愤怒的推文 |
| [51:54] | furious at my stance on the situation. | 对我的立场感到愤怒 |
| [51:56] | And the dumb general consensus they would say was shit, like… | 他们普遍的共识通常是一些类似： |
| [51:59] | “How hard could it be to just follow the rules?” | “遵守规则有多难？”的废话 |
| [52:07] | Here’s the thing. | 事情是这样的 |
| [52:10] | I understand rules. | 我明白那些规矩 |
| [52:12] | I understand why safety precautions are set | 我理解为什么 要设置一些安全预防措施 |
| [52:14] | to keep everybody safe. | 来保证大家的安全 |
| [52:15] | Obviously, I get that. | 我当然明白 |
| [52:17] | But also, | 但同时 |
| [52:18] | use your fuckin’ brain, right? | 动动脑子 好吧？ |
| [52:21] | For example, I understand that the speed limit on most freeways, | 例如 我知道 大多数高速公路都有限速 |
| [52:24] | and it varies from city to city, | 不同的城市有不同的限速 |
| [52:26] | but on average, it’s about 65 miles per hour. | 但平均下来大约是105公里每小时 |
| [52:29] | I totally understand and respect that is the designated, | 我完全理解并很尊重这是种指定的 |
| [52:34] | suggested speed | 建议限速 |
| [52:37] | for us citizens to follow | 需要我们大家遵守 |
| [52:38] | to keep traffic moving at an appropriate pace. I get that. | 以保证交通能以适当的速度行进 这我明白 |
| [52:42] | But also, | 但同时 |
| [52:44] | if you for real | 但如果你真的 |
| [52:48] | drive 65 miles per hour | 在高速公路上 |
| [52:52] | on the freeway, | 保持105公里的时速 |
| [52:55] | I will fuckin’ kill you, do you understand? | 我他妈会杀了你的 你明白吗？ |
| [53:02] | Drive faster, pussy. | 开快点 贱人 |
| [53:06] | Use your instincts to go, “You know what? I can open this bitch up | 用你的直觉：“你知道吗？ |
| [53:10] | to 80 like an adult | 我可以像个成年人一样 |
| [53:13] | and keep this shit moving.” | 开到130 保证大家快速通行” |
| [53:15] | Right? You use… | 对吧？你用… |
| [53:17] | You use your instincts to navigate rules, right? | 你要用你的直觉来驾驭规则 |
| [53:20] | That’s how I felt about the plane situation. | 我对飞机上那件事就是这样看的 |
| [53:22] | I know what the bag rule is, everybody does, | 我知道坏规矩是什么 大家都知道 |
| [53:25] | but it’s not affecting anybody | 但它没有影响到任何人 |
| [53:27] | so how about we chill the fuck out about it? | 所以我们对这事别那么较真好吗？ |
| [53:30] | Nope. | 不行 |
| [53:31] | Instead, I argue with 700 strangers for eight hours, dude. | 我和700个陌生人吵了八个小时 |
| [53:36] | Oh, and we’re twerkling back and forth and back and forth. | 我们不停地你来我往 |
| [53:39] | And– The best part about arguing with people on the Internet | 在网上因为某件事跟人吵架 |
| [53:43] | about something you’ve personally experienced, | 最棒的一点 你们也都体验过 |
| [53:45] | is that they weren’t there to witness any of the details of the account, right? | 就是他们并不在现场 没亲睹到任何细节 对吧？ |
| [53:50] | They only know what you’ve told them and what they wanna assume. | 他们只知道你告诉他们的事情 还有他们自己的设定 |
| [53:55] | So, very quickly after you start arguing, | 所以你们开始争吵后 很快 |
| [53:57] | people will just start throwing out their own wild scenarios | 人们会开始抛出自己的疯狂情节 |
| [54:00] | that have nothing to do with what you’re even talking about | 那些情节跟你在说的事情毫无关联 |
| [54:03] | just so they seem justified. | 只是为了让他们看起来占理而已 |
| [54:05] | I just didn’t wanna check my bag, | 我只是不希望我的包被收走 |
| [54:07] | and people were saying things like, “It’s not about your safety.” | 而那些人却在说：“这不是为了你的安全 |
| [54:10] | “It’s about the safety of people around you.” | 而是关系到你周围的人的安全 |
| [54:12] | “What if there’s an emergency crash landing into a mountain, | 万一需要紧急迫降撞向山脉怎么办？ |
| [54:15] | and during the evacuation…” | 在疏散的时候…” |
| [54:17] | “Say it again slower for yourself. Go ahead.” | “你慢慢重说一次 说吧 |
| [54:21] | “You think we’re gonna survive the crash?” | 你觉得撞机了我们还能活吗？ |
| [54:25] | “Into the mountain?” | 撞向山脉？” |
| [54:27] | And they have an argument for everything. “But what if we do survive?” | 他们有句万用的话 “可万一我们活下来了呢？ |
| [54:30] | “And because your bag wasn’t all the way under the seat, | 结果因为你的包 没有完全塞到座椅下面 |
| [54:33] | it ends up in the aisleway and someone trips over it | 它就会挡在过道上 在疏散途中绊倒别人 |
| [54:37] | and injures themself?” | 害他们受伤？” |
| [54:47] | If you… | 如果你… |
| [54:50] | can’t… | 都没办法… |
| [54:52] | step | 跨过 |
| [54:54] | the fuck over | 我25公分 |
| [54:58] | my ten-inch tall | 高的 |
| [55:02] | JanSport backpack | JanSport背包 |
| [55:05] | to save your own life, | 去逃生 |
| [55:09] | natural selection, dawg. | 那就是物竞天择 兄弟 |
| [55:23] | You gotta fuckin’ die. | 你必须死 |
| [55:25] | Okay. | 好吧 |
| [55:26] | You’re not athletic enough to stay alive. | 你的运动能力不足以让你活下去 |
| [55:30] | Dude, I… I could not believe | 朋友们 我无法相信 |
| [55:34] | the lengths people will go to | 大家会因为这种 |
| [55:36] | to argue about shit that has nothing to do with them on the Internet. | 跟自己毫无关系的事情 在网上吵到这种程度 |
| [55:40] | It’s impressive, man, because it snowballs very quickly. | 这很惊人 因为雪球效应来得超快 |
| [55:44] | It quickly becomes this mob mentality ’cause what happens online is | 这迅速演变成了一种群体心态 因为在互联网上 |
| [55:47] | once a large enough group of people | 一旦有足够多的人 |
| [55:49] | start getting upset with you on the Internet, | 开始对你感到不满 |
| [55:51] | everybody wants to get their lickin’, | 每个人都希望加入攻击 |
| [55:54] | ’cause it’s full of people who have negativity towards themself | 因为互联网上有很多人 对自己充满了负面情绪 |
| [55:56] | that they have to project onto other people. | 他们需要将这种情绪投射到他人身上 |
| [55:58] | This is their opportunity ’cause that’s your punishment. | 这是他们的机会 因为那是对你的惩罚 |
| [56:01] | If you ever get in trouble on the Internet, | 如果你曾在网上陷入麻烦 |
| [56:03] | your punishment is that people can say | 你的惩罚就是 大家可以 |
| [56:06] | anything they want to you. | 随意地骂你 |
| [56:09] | Anything, even if it’s way worse | 什么都行 哪怕他们说的话 |
| [56:11] | than what you said to get in trouble in the first place. | 比你之前说的 害你惹上麻烦的话更过分 |
| [56:14] | It’s impressive, and ultimately, that stuff never bothers me. | 这很惊人 但这些事情最终都不会影响到我 |
| [56:17] | Like, l… look. | 听着 |
| [56:18] | You’re never gonna hurt my feelings. | 你们永远伤害不到我的感情 |
| [56:21] | Okay, I’ve been dead inside for so long. | 好吧 我的心已经死了很久了 |
| [56:24] | Like, my… my plane crashed a long time ago, | 我的飞机很久以前就坠毁了 |
| [56:27] | and I didn’t step over the bag, emotionally speaking. | 而在情感上 我没能跨过那个包 |
| [56:29] | Ya know what I mean, so– | 你们懂我意思 所以 |
| [56:32] | You can talk your shit as much as you want. | 你们对我说什么屁话都行 |
| [56:33] | The thing you have to know about me and what I’ve learned, | 关于我 你们必须知道的事 |
| [56:36] | through therapy or whatever, is that I’m… | 还有我在心理治疗时 了解到的东西是 我… |
| [56:39] | …I’m a very defensive person, apparently. | 显然 我是个戒心很重的人 |
| [56:42] | I… I have a very quick trigger reaction to feel the need to defend myself | 如果我感到有人在攻击我 |
| [56:46] | if I feel like somebody is coming at me. | 我很快就会做出自卫反应 |
| [56:49] | And I… I go for the kill every time. | 而且我每次都会大开杀戒 |
| [56:51] | So look, you can talk your shit to me online as much as you want, | 你们可以在网上随便对我哔哔 |
| [56:54] | say whatever mean, hurtful things you wanna say | 说那些刻薄伤人的话 |
| [56:56] | to try to hurt my feelings, but just know, | 试图伤害我的感情 但你们要知道 |
| [57:00] | I’m gonna fuck you up verbally, dude. I’m… | 我会用语言虐死你们 朋友 我会… |
| [57:04] | My goal is to now make you cry. | 我现在的目标是让你哭 |
| [57:07] | Like, I’m gonna win this battle every time. | 我每次都会赢 |
| [57:09] | So when I hit you harder than you hit me first, | 所以当我更猛烈地回击你时 |
| [57:13] | don’t act like you’re the fuckin’ victim, okay? | 别做出一副受害者的样子来 好吗？ |
| [57:16] | That’s my biggest pet peeve in the entire Internet, and… | 这是我在网上最讨厌的事情 而且… |
| [57:22] | …probably… | 可能… |
| [57:24] | probably the best example of that was throughout this Twitter interaction | 最好的例子就是这场推特互动 |
| [57:28] | when all this backpack shit was going on. | 这起背包事件 |
| [57:30] | I’m arguing with people, we’re going roast for roast, | 我在与人争论 我们互相斥责 |
| [57:33] | just really having some fun wastin’ time. | 只是为了开心地消磨时间 |
| [57:35] | I was having fun with it. | 我玩得很开心 |
| [57:37] | Then, there was this one woman. Took it too far. | 然后有个女人 她做得太过分了 |
| [57:39] | She would not shut the fuck up, dude. | 她完全不知道闭嘴 朋友们 |
| [57:44] | She, by herself, probably tweeted me like 60 to 70 times | 她一个人可能给我发了6、70条留言 |
| [57:49] | whether I responded or not, and I responded to a lot. | 不管我回不回复 而我回复了大部分 |
| [57:52] | But not… not all of them obviously. | 但显然不是每一条 |
| [57:55] | She was one of those people, saw everybody getting their lick | 她是那种人 看到其他人都在攻击和批评 |
| [57:58] | and she wanted to be a part of that, so she started saying meaner and meaner | 她也想掺一脚 于是开始说些越来越刻薄的话 |
| [58:02] | and meaner things expecting no consequences, | 以为不会有后果 |
| [58:05] | and I didn’t really care. | 而我根本不在意 |
| [58:07] | Until her last tweet. | 直到她发了最后一条推文 |
| [58:10] | The last tweet, I just couldn’t let slide. The last thing she said to me was, | 最后一条推文 我绝对不能放过 她对我说的最后一条是： |
| [58:14] | “I don’t understand why you have to be such an insubordinate , | “我不明白你为什么非得这么不听话 |
| [58:19] | crybaby, little bitch.” | 爱哭鬼 小贱人” |
| [58:28] | Should I just have blocked her? | 我应该把她拉黑了事吗？ |
| [58:32] | My publicist says yes. | 我的公关人员说是的 |
| [58:37] | But I was so sick | 但我已经受够了 |
| [58:40] | of being ganged up on | 被人群起而攻 |
| [58:42] | 1-v-700. | 一对七百 |
| [58:45] | She was being very mean. | 她太刻薄了 |
| [58:48] | She started it. | 是她先开始的 |
| [58:52] | And… just based off of her profile photo, | 而且根据她的头像判断 |
| [58:55] | she was a, um… | 她是个… |
| [59:00] | …heavier-set woman. | 较为敦实的女人 |
| [59:04] | All I said… | 为了保护自己 |
| [59:07] | in defense of myself, | 我只是说了 |
| [59:10] | was, “Well…” | “好吧 |
| [59:14] | “…had you not been taking up two seats… | 要不是你占了两个座位 |
| [59:20] | …there would have been room for me to safely secure my backpack | 我就能把背包安全地放在 |
| [59:24] | in another chair.” | 另一个座位上了” |
| [59:27] | That’s all I said, which… | 我只说了这些 |
| [59:29] | statistically is not incorrect. | 从统计上看 这并没有错 |
| [59:34] | But as we all know, | 但我们都知道 |
| [59:36] | everybody wants to be a victim now, right? | 现在每个人都想当受害者 对吧？ |
| [59:39] | So how did she, | 那她这个 |
| [59:41] | the person who started it, react? | 先来挑事的人是怎么反应的呢？ |
| [59:47] | “How could he say something like that?” | “他怎么能说这种话？ |
| [59:50] | “He’s body-shaming me.” | 他对我进行身体羞辱 |
| [59:52] | “Cancel Matt Rife.” | 抵制马特·莱夫” |
| [59:54] | “Bitch, you can’t cancel me. I’m not your gym membership.” | “贱人 你抵制不了我 我不是你的健身房年卡 |
| [59:57] | “Get the fuck off my feed then.” | 滚远点吧” |
| [1:00:05] | I didn’t start shit with you. | 又不是我先跟你吵的 |
| [1:00:08] | I’m a nice person, man. I never wanna hurt anybody’s feelings, | 我是个好人 我不想伤害任何人的感情 |
| [1:00:11] | but I fuckin’ will. | 但我会那样做的 |
| [1:00:15] | It had nothing to do with her, man. | 这事儿跟她一点关系都没有 |
| [1:00:17] | All I wanted to do was complain about my backpack. | 我只是想抱怨我的背包而已 |
| [1:00:21] | And now I’m this bitch’s 13th reason. | 现在我成了 这个贱人要自杀的第13个原因 |
| [1:00:23] | Okay. | 好吧 |
| [1:00:27] | No. No, fuck that. You can count reasons, but not calories. | 不 去他妈的 你能数清楚原因 却算不清卡路里 |
| [1:00:30] | Get the fuck outta my face, dude. No. Nope. Nope. | 给我滚开 不… |
| [1:00:34] | Nope. | 不 |
| [1:00:35] | Not doing sympathy today, D.C. Not doing it. | 今天不搞同情 华盛顿特区 不搞这个 |
| [1:00:39] | And before any of y’all sit there even think about taking her side. | 在你们这些坐在下面的人 想帮她说话之前 |
| [1:00:43] | You go… “Oh, I don’t know, Matt.” | 你说：“我不知道 马特 |
| [1:00:46] | “That’s awfully personal. I mean…” | 这太针对个人了 |
| [1:00:48] | “I mean, is it really worth you making fun of her weight | 这真的值得你攻击她的体重 |
| [1:00:51] | in defense of yourself.” | 来维护你自己吗？ |
| [1:00:52] | “What if word gets back to her you’re still making fun of her weight, | 如果你这些话传到她那儿 让她知道你还在嘲笑她的体重 |
| [1:00:56] | and it affects her so severely she does something drastic, | 这对她影响太大 以至于做出一些过激的行为 |
| [1:01:00] | like, like, like, like… like, hangs herself.” | 比如…上吊 |
| [1:01:03] | “How would that make you feel?” | 那样你会作何感想？” |
| [1:01:10] | How’d she get up there? | 她是怎么上去的？ |
| [1:01:17] | Yeah. | 是啊 |
| [1:01:22] | I’d be fuckin’ amazed… | 我他妈会很惊讶 |
| [1:01:25] | …that they make tow cables that strong. I really would. | 他们能制造出这么结实的拖缆 真的 |
| [1:01:29] | I really fuckin’ would, dude. | 我真的会的 朋友们 |
| [1:01:36] | Listen. | 听着 |
| [1:01:38] | Fuck these people, man. | 去他妈的这些人 |
| [1:01:40] | Your social media is your art. | 你的社交媒体是你的艺术 |
| [1:01:43] | You can create and share | 你可以创造和分享 |
| [1:01:45] | whatever you want to share. | 任何你想分享的东西 |
| [1:01:46] | And if anybody… | 如果有人… |
| [1:01:48] | if anybody has a problem with that, | 如果有人有意见 |
| [1:01:51] | I say post more of that shit. | 要我说 你就继续多发些 |
| [1:01:55] | Shove it down their fuckin’ throat, man. | 让他们难受去 兄弟 |
| [1:01:57] | Do you have any idea how many people don’t like me or my comedy? | 你们知道有多少人不喜欢我 或者不喜欢我的喜剧吗？ |
| [1:02:00] | – You know what? I post every fuckin’ day… – Love you! | 你们知道吗？ 我每天都发帖 因为我乐意 |
| [1:02:03] | …’cause that’s what feels right to me. | 因为这就是我的感觉- |
| [1:02:06] | It’s– | 这是… |
| [1:02:09] | It’s what feels right, and I’m just doing what I think is funny, | 我想这么做 而我不过是在做我认为有趣的事情 |
| [1:02:12] | and all I can hope to come from that | 我只是希望它们 |
| [1:02:14] | is that it makes other people smile, and it makes them happy. | 能让别人微笑 让他们开心 |
| [1:02:17] | That’s all I ever want to come from any of this. | 这就是我做这一切的唯一目的 |
| [1:02:21] | So who cares if absolutely nobody believes in you, man. | 所以谁会在乎有没有人相信你啊 |
| [1:02:24] | Fuck these people. For 12 years, | 去他妈的这些人 12年来 |
| [1:02:27] | nobody believed in me, man. | 从来没人信过我 |
| [1:02:28] | And if I let that affect how I respected my own thoughts and ideas, | 如果我让这些事情 影响了我对自己的思想和观点的尊重 |
| [1:02:32] | I wouldn’t be doing a Netflix Special at Constitution Hall in my favorite city | 我就不会在这个 全美我最爱的城市的宪法大厅 |
| [1:02:36] | in the entire country, man. | 做Netflix的特辑了 |
| [1:02:54] | But what do I know? I only do crowd work, right? | 但我又知道什么呢？ 我只会和观众互动 对吧？ |
| [1:03:20] | Hope everybody enjoyed themselves. | 希望大家玩得开心 |
| [1:03:22] | Old people, thank you for coming. I know you have to be up soon. | 老人家 谢谢你们过来 我知道你们很快就该起床了 |
| [1:03:25] | Did you know who I was when you… when you came here? | 你们来之前知道我是谁吗？ |
| [1:03:28] | – You did? – Yeah. | 知道啊？ |
| [1:03:29] | They play TikTok on the Hallmark? | 贺曼娱乐台还放TikTok呢？ |
| [1:03:31] | Shut up. | 得了吧 |
| [1:03:34] | What is that? | 那是什么？ |
| [1:03:37] | What’s in here? We got, uh… | 这里面是什么？我们有… |
| [1:03:39] | Is this weed edibles? | 这是大麻零食吗？ |
| [1:03:41] | Fifty milligrams, you murderer. | 50毫克 你这个杀人犯 |
| [1:03:43] | If you fuck around and take 50 mg on your first edible, | 如果你第一次 就吃50毫克含量的大麻零食 |
| [1:03:46] | you will change your pronouns, dude. Like, you will… | 你的代词就要变了 老兄 你会… |
| [1:03:49] | Black people, thank y’all. | 黑人朋友们 谢谢你们 |
| [1:03:53] | I think it’s just y’all. | 我觉得就只有你们俩 |
| [1:03:54] | Ah, two. | 两个 |
| [1:03:56] | I thought for sure I had a more diverse fan base. | 我以为我的粉丝群会更多样化呢 |
| [1:03:59] | Not as much. | 也没那么多 |
| [1:04:01] | Oh. Okay. All right. Let’s not point ’em out. | 好吧 别把他们指出来了 |
| [1:04:04] | That feels very January 6th of y’all. Let’s chill out. | 这简直梦回1月6日的国会暴乱 大家冷静一点 |
| [1:04:08] | I know. It’s y’all’s city. I know. | 我知道 这是你们的城市 我知道 |