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Matt Rife Natural Selection(马特·莱夫:物竞天择-脱口秀)[2023]电影台词本阅读、下载和单词统计

Posted on 2024年6月29日 By jubentaici_movie_user Matt Rife Natural Selection(马特·莱夫:物竞天择-脱口秀)[2023]电影台词本阅读、下载和单词统计无评论
电影名称:马特·莱夫:物竞天择-脱口秀
英文名称:Matt Rife Natural Selection
年代:2023

推荐:千部英美剧台词本阅读
时间 英文 中文
[00:10] 马特·莱夫 物竞天择
[00:26] Thank you so much, man. Wow! 感谢大家 哇!
[00:52] D.C., what’s going on? 华盛顿特区 你们好吗?
[00:56] Oh my God. 天啊
[01:00] Thank you. 谢谢
[01:01] Thank you. Sit down, sit down, get comfortable, my God. 谢谢 坐下 让自己舒服点 天啊
[01:04] Thank you so much. 太感谢大家了
[01:13] Thank you. 谢谢
[01:14] Thank you so much, man. 非常感谢 妈呀
[01:17] Washington, D.C. 华盛顿特区
[01:18] We’re doing Netflix, baby. 这是Netflix特辑 宝贝们
[01:20] We’re doin’ it. We’re doin’ it. Oh! 我们正在拍特辑
[01:26] This is so cool, man. I wish… 太酷了 我希望…
[01:29] I wish my grandpa could see this. 我希望我爷爷能看到这个
[01:31] He, um… I… I… I always wanted to bring him here to visit. 他… 我一直都想带他来看看
[01:35] You know, he knew how much I loved D.C., and he… he… 他知道我有多爱华盛顿特区
[01:37] he loved Maryland. It was like his favorite state, which… 而他爱马里兰 那是他最爱的一个州
[01:41] Well, wh– 这…
[01:43] Well, which, you know, is… is a valid response 这种反应很合理
[01:45] unless you’ve been to Baltimore, because it too… 除非你去过巴尔的摩 因为那儿太…
[01:49] What the fuck is going on in Baltimore, dude? 巴尔的摩到底是什么情况啊?
[01:52] Mar– Bro, Maryland as a state cannot pick a tone, dawg. 兄弟 作为一个州 马里兰的气质完全没有统一
[01:56] Just pick one– 得选一个…
[01:58] It’s so beautiful and so ratchet for no reason. 它是如此美丽 又莫名地很可怜
[02:02] Can y’all just pick a tone, man? 你们能选定一种气质吗?
[02:04] All of Maryland. Y’all drive to the beach with your top down 整个马里兰州 大家都会开着敞篷车去海滩
[02:07] and then go to Baltimore and lock all your doors. 然后去巴尔的摩 把门全都锁上
[02:10] You know, no middle ground ever, man. I’ve only been to Baltimore one time. 完全没有中间地带 我只去过巴尔的摩一次
[02:15] I ate lunch there, and the hostess, who seats you at the restaurant, 我在那里吃了午餐 餐厅的领座小姐
[02:18] had a black eye. 顶着一个熊猫眼
[02:21] A full black– It wasn’t like, “What happened?” 全黑的…你不会想:“怎么回事?”
[02:24] I… It was pretty obvious what happened. 是什么情况还挺明显的
[02:26] We couldn’t get over the fact, “This is the face of the company?” 我们无法相信这个事实:“这就是公司的门面吗?”
[02:30] Like, “This is… This is who you have greeting people?” 你会想:“你们就让这样的人来迎宾?”
[02:32] And my boy, who I was with was like, “Yeah, I feel bad for her.” 跟我一起去的兄弟说:“是啊 我真替她难过
[02:36] “I feel like they should, you know, put her in the kitchen or something… 我觉得他们应该让她去后厨 那儿没人…
[02:40] where nobody has to see her face, you know.” 那儿没人会看到她的脸”
[02:42] And I was like, “Yeah, but I feel like if she could cook, she wouldn’t have that black eye.” 我说:“但如果她会烹饪的话 她就不会有熊猫眼了”
[02:47] So… 所以…
[02:51] Testing the water, seeing if y’all are gonna be fun or not. 试试水 看看你们开不开得起玩笑
[02:54] Just wanted to see. 就是想看看
本电影台词包含不重复单词:1389个。
其中的生词包含:四级词汇:240个,六级词汇:122个,GRE词汇:125个,托福词汇:186个,考研词汇:256个,专四词汇:212个,专八词汇:45个,
所有生词标注共:478个。
定制生词标注的台词本和单词统计,请访问生词标注台词本
[02:56] Just wanted to see. 就是想看看
[02:58] I figure if we start with domestic violence, 我想如果我用家暴来开场
[03:00] the rest of the show should be… 那整个节目应该…
[03:03] should be pretty smooth sailing after that. 后面应该会很顺利
[03:05] Yeah, of course, I felt bad for her, man. 当然 我非常为她难过
[03:08] She should’ve had her protection crystals, you know what I mean? 她应该买个守护水晶 你们懂我的意思哦?
[03:13] Fellas, we gotta put our foot down, man. 伙计们 我们必须叫停了
[03:15] This crystal shit is getting out of control. 水晶的情况已经快失控了
[03:19] Ladies, put the fuckin’ pebbles down, okay? 女士们 放下那些愚蠢的鹅卵石 好吗?
[03:24] We are sick and tired of walking into your bedroom 我们已经受够了走进你们的卧室时
[03:27] looking like we gotta beat you in a game of mancala 仿佛要先杀一盘非洲棋赢了你们
[03:29] before we can sleep with you. 才能跟你们睡一样
[03:31] What the fuck is all this gravel doing inside, Thanos? 这些破石头 为什么会出现在室内 灭霸?
[03:36] I swear, the biggest issue with crystal girls 我发誓 水晶女孩最大的问题是
[03:39] is the fact it’s their entire personality, 她们的人格都被水晶定义了
[03:41] and they won’t shut up about it. 她们张口闭口都是水晶
[03:44] I mean, you even, God forbid, bring it up mid-conversation. 天啊 你要是敢在聊天中提起水晶
[03:48] This is my favorite one. 这是我最喜欢的一颗
[03:51] This is, um… 这是…
[03:53] This is a piece of green Peruvian jade, 这是一块绿色的秘鲁玉
[03:56] and it provides me with, like, strength 它给了我力量
[04:00] and… and… and protection 还能守护我
[04:03] and… and… and… 而且…
[04:05] and no, it doesn’t. 不 才没有呢
[04:08] No, it’s not, okay. 没这种事 好吧
[04:10] That’s a broken shard of a Heineken bottle that you… 那就是你从一个留着脏辫的白人那儿
[04:15] …that you bought from a white dude with dreadlocks, 买来的喜力啤酒瓶的碎片
[04:19] who also runs a throat goat yoga class. 那家伙还开着一个深喉山羊瑜伽班
[04:22] Okay? 好吗?
[04:24] Say what it really is, some bullshit. 实话实说吧 那就是瞎扯淡
[04:27] The only thing it’s protecting is me 它唯一能守护的就是我
[04:31] from dating another girl who’s pussy tastes like kombucha. 让我不用和又一位 下体是康普茶味的女生交往
[04:35] Okay? 好吧
[04:36] No more hippie shit. 别再搞嬉皮士那套了
[04:40] Shower. 去洗洗澡
[04:43] Maybe get back to using real deodorant? 或者用回真正管用的除臭剂
[04:47] No more of this organic deodorant shit 不要再用什么有机除臭剂了
[04:49] that lasts shorter than fuckin’ fruit-stripe gum. 它们的除臭时长还不如水果口香糖
[04:52] Okay? No more. 好吗?别再用了
[04:54] Y’all remember that garbage? 你们还记得那垃圾玩意儿吗?
[04:55] – Yeah! – It would last two chews. 嚼两下就没味儿了
[04:58] That’s y’all walking around, two smacks, 你走在路上 嚼了两下
[05:00] stinkin’ all over again, dude. 重新换一个 老兄
[05:03] I’m so sick of it, man. 我真的受够了
[05:05] This hippie shit is gonna be the death of me, I swear. 我发誓 这嬉皮士的玩意儿 给我恶心得要命
[05:08] If I hear one more person blame how their life is going on Mercury, 如果我再听到谁抱怨 他们在水星逆行时有多不顺
[05:14] I will kill you myself. Do you understand? 我会亲手杀了你 听懂了吗?
[05:17] You leave that goddamn planet alone. 你他妈别再抹黑那颗行星了
[05:21] I’m so tired of you ladies blaming your poor decision-making skills 我已经受够了你们这些女生 把自己糟糕的决策能力
[05:26] on planets that don’t even know you. 归咎于那些根本不认识你的行星
[05:31] Get this through your head. 好好想一想
[05:33] Astrology is not this magical life guideline 占星术并不是什么神奇的
[05:36] that… that predetermines your future in the stars. 能靠观星来指引你未来的生活指南
[05:39] No, none of that. 不 完全没这回事
[05:40] Your future is depended by your thoughts, opinions, and actions. 你的未来取决于 你自己的思想、观点和行动
[05:43] You are in complete control of how your future turns out. 你的未来完全掌握在你自己手中
[05:46] It’s not up here. It’s in here the whole time. It’s up to you. 不在那上面 它一直都在这里面 取决于你
[05:51] It has nothing to do with the stars, man. 跟那些星星一点关系都没有
[05:53] Just because Jupiter has a ring, and you don’t, doesn’t mean… 木星有个指环 而你没有 这不代表…
[06:00] …that’s who you’re supposed to look up to 这不代表你就该向它询求
[06:02] for all this magical advice, man. 各种神奇的建议
[06:05] And stop trying to explain it so confidently, 别再自信满满地解释那玩意儿了
[06:07] you look stupid every time. 你们每次看起来都很蠢
[06:10] It’s so– The girl of your dreams will look you straight in the eyes 太烦人了… 你的梦中情人直视着你的双眼
[06:13] and say some dumb shit, 然后说些蠢话
[06:15] like, “Would you even know how the universe works?” 比如:“你知道宇宙的运行规则吗?”
[06:17] No, but tell me, Professor. 不知道 请赐教 教授
[06:21] “There’s a planet called Mercury. When it slows its rotation around the sun, “有一颗名叫水星的行星 当它放慢了绕太阳旋转的速度时
[06:24] it causes retrograde 98 million miles away 在1.58亿公里外就产生了逆行
[06:26] and that’s why my life is just in absolute shambles.” 而这就是我的生活一团糟的原因
[06:29] “Like it’s literally not even up to me.” 这真的不是我能说了算的
[06:33] “Like, 就是
[06:34] it’s in the stars and… …like, we’re literally all stardust.” 一切都是星星决定的 我们只是星尘而已
[06:38] “You know what I mean?” 你懂我的意思吗?”
[06:41] Yeah, you’re gonna die alone. 对 你会孤独终老的
[06:44] ‘Cause you can’t take responsibility for your own actions. 因为你不能为自己的行为负责
[06:48] Your life isn’t in shambles because of a planet in the sky. 你的生活 不会因为天上的行星而一团糟
[06:52] It’s because you can’t live without a vape in your mouth. 而是因为没有电子烟你就活不下去
[06:56] And you only fuck guys who need to borrow your car. 而且你只跟需要找你借车的人上床
[06:59] Okay? 好吗?
[07:02] Yeah. 对
[07:03] That’s why your life is in shambles. 这才是你的生活一团糟的原因
[07:07] You’re worried about Mercury while he crashing your Saturn. 在他撞坏你的土星汽车时 你却在担心水星
[07:10] How stupid do you feel? 你觉得自己有多蠢?
[07:15] Wrong planet, bitch. Guess again. 猜错星了 婊贝 再猜一次
[07:18] Yeah, it’s gonna kill me, man. 我要被逼死了
[07:20] I feel it’s a younger generational thing too, right? 我觉得这是 年轻一代特有的爱好 对吧?
[07:23] The crystals and astrology and all that. 水晶和占星术之类的
[07:26] Which makes sense. 也挺合理的
[07:28] I fuckin’ hate young people, dude. I really do. Ah! 我恨死年轻人了 真的
[07:33] Anybody… anybody my age or younger, you don’t have anything to offer me, man. 和我同龄和比我小的人 你们都没有任何东西能给我
[07:37] I just– I– You’re so rude! 我只是…你们好粗鲁!
[07:39] Young people are so disrespectful even when they’re not trying to be. 年轻人太没礼貌了 即使他们不是故意为之
[07:43] Like, five months ago, I got a tattoo of John Lennon on the back of my arm, 五个月前 我在手臂后侧 弄了个约翰·列侬的纹身
[07:47] and it’s… it’s pretty fuckin’ obviously John Lennon. 这他妈很明显就是约翰·列侬
[07:51] Like, it’s… it’s a good tattoo. As soon as I post it on Instagram, everybody was, 这个纹身做得很好 我一把它发到“照片墙”上 大家就都在说:
[07:55] “He’s a Harry Potter fan?” “他是个《哈利·波特》迷?”
[07:57] I was like, fuck these kids, dude. 我心想:“去你妈的 这些死孩子”
[08:01] That is so disrespectful to one of the greatest musicians of all time. 这对有史以来 最伟大的音乐家之一太不尊重了
[08:05] Like, John Lennon got fuckin’ Avada Kedavra on his back, 仿佛约翰·列侬中了阿瓦达索命咒
[08:07] and that’s why he’s not here. No. 所以他才不在世了 不
[08:10] Same glasses, but he’s the boy who didn’t live. 相同的眼镜 但他是大难已死的男孩
[08:14] I know, and if that made you sad, you’re my audience. 我懂 如果你们听了也觉得悲伤 那你们就是我的观众
[08:17] Good. I like you a lot. Good. 很好 我很喜欢你们 很好
[08:19] It also breaks my heart. That’s good. 这也让我很心碎 很好
[08:22] God, I hate young people. And there’s no middle ground. 天啊 我讨厌年轻人 绝对没有中间地带
[08:25] I hate young people, and I… …I fuckin’ love 我讨厌年轻人 而且我…我爱死
[08:31] old people. 老人家了
[08:35] Oh my God. 天啊
[08:36] It is… it is really an unhealthy obsession. 这真的是一种不健康的迷恋
[08:40] It is. Oh, bro, I would fuck a grandma in a heartbeat. 真的 兄弟 我可以毫不犹豫地和奶奶上床
[08:43] I really would do it. 我真的会的
[08:45] I’d do it. 我会的
[08:48] You can. 你可以这样做
[08:49] I don’t know if you’ve done research. 不知道你们有没有做过调查
[08:52] You can fuck as many as you want, and there’s no law against it. 你可以这么做 而且不违反任何法律
[08:55] As many as you want. As many as you want. 想上多少就上多少
[08:58] You just gotta be gentle about it. You can’t… 只是你得温柔一点 不能…
[09:00] You can’t choke ’em. You gotta, like, kink their oxygen. 你不能掐他们脖子 你只能拧他们的输氧管
[09:03] Know what I mean? 懂我意思吗?
[09:06] Aah, not today. not today. 今天不行
[09:08] You’re all right. You’re fine. 你没事 你挺好的
[09:10] Walker it off. 拄着助行器走走就好了
[09:15] Fuck being somebody’s first. But somebody’s last? That’s a flex. 当过初恋算什么 你当过谁的最后一任吗?这才值得炫耀
[09:19] Oh, my goodness. 天啊
[09:20] That’s… 那是…
[09:22] That’s where I thrive, baby. I’m out here cleanin’ it up. 那就是我的长项 宝贝 我是来接手最后一程的
[09:27] They call me the Trim Reaper, dawg. 大家都叫我小妹妹收割者 兄弟
[09:29] I’m just out here snatchin’ souls, you know what I mean? 我就是出来抢夺灵魂的 你们懂我的意思吗?
[09:34] Oh, dude, I do… I love old people so much. 我真的好爱老人家
[09:38] Like, the more an old person is shaped like a candy cane. 身形越像拐杖糖的老人家 我越喜欢
[09:43] Dude. I love a motherfucker who just… 老兄 我超爱那种…
[09:49] He just can’t even look up. 他连抬头看都做不到
[09:53] Even he doesn’t know how much life is ahead of him. 他连自己还能活多长都不知道
[09:55] You know what I mean? Just… 你们懂我的意思吗?
[09:57] That’s the weight of a good life lived, fuckin’ up his back, man. Ugh… 是美好生活的重量压弯了他的腰
[10:02] You old persons gotta have bad posture, man. 你的老人家必须体态不佳
[10:04] That tells you lived your life to the fullest. 这会提醒我要尽情享受生活
[10:07] If you meet one with good posture, they dodged the draft 100%. 如果你遇到一个体态很好的老人家 他们百分之百是逃了兵役
[10:10] You don’t have my respect. Sorry. 我不尊重你 对不起
[10:12] Oh, man. 天啊
[10:13] They gotta have bad pos. 体态一定要很糟
[10:15] The worst an old person’s posture, the better the stories. 因为体态越糟 故事越精彩
[10:20] “How’d you get like that?” Used to be my favorite part about visiting 你怎么变成这样的?这是我十几岁的时候
[10:23] my great-grandmother at the hospice center she was at 去临终关怀中心看我曾祖母时
[10:26] for her remaining years when I was a teenager. 最喜欢的部分
[10:29] She’s where they take care of you for your remaining time, 她住在那种可以照顾你 过完最后的日子的机构里
[10:32] and my mom would drop us off for like three or four hours, 每次我妈都会把我们 送过去待三、四个小时
[10:35] which is great. I wanna spend time with my grandma, 这很棒 我喜欢和我祖母在一起
[10:37] but my grandma also had dementia, 但我祖母患有老年痴呆
[10:39] so, 25 minutes in, I could be like, “I’m gonna get some more water,” 所以过了25分钟 我可能会说:“我去喝点水”
[10:44] and she’d be, “There’s a lot of Blacks.” I’m like… 然后她会说:“现在的黑人太多了” 而我…
[10:48] – The– – There’s more for sure, um… 确实多了不少
[10:51] I could excuse myself and go do my own thing. 我可以离开 去做我自己的事
[10:54] It’s not that I didn’t love her or didn’t wanna hang out. 不是我不爱我的祖母 或者不想跟她待在一起
[10:56] People with dementia can’t remember, so there’s not a lot to talk about. 有痴呆症的人记不住太多东西 所以我们没多少可聊的
[11:00] And it just so happened the guy, Lenny, in the room right next to her 巧的是 她隔壁的连尼
[11:04] remembered everything. 什么都记得
[11:06] This guy was the coolest person I had ever met. 这家伙是我见过最酷的人
[11:08] He was 97 and had the coolest life I ever heard of. 他97岁了 他的生平是我听过的最酷的
[11:11] He’d tell me story after story after story for hours and hours on end, 他会一连几小时地给我讲故事
[11:15] and they were captivating. 每个都引人入胜
[11:17] He lived a very full life. He fought in three wars in his lifetime. 他的人生相当多姿多彩 他参加过三场战争
[11:21] He climbed five mountains. 他爬过五座山
[11:23] He, um… 他…
[11:25] Yeah, he… he told me he fucked Rosa Parks. 对 他跟我说他上过罗莎·帕克斯
[11:31] I know, in the front of the bus. and I was like… 在公交车的前端 我感觉…
[11:36] I think you have dementia. I don’t think… 我觉得你才有痴呆症 我不认为…
[11:39] that happened the way you remembered it. 我觉得事实和你的记忆不太一样
[11:41] Wouldn’t the back of the bus be more private? 而且 公交车后排座 不是更私密一点吗?
[11:44] I feel like you could put in some work back there, but well, 我觉得在后排座 才方便你努力耕耘 但是…
[11:47] that’s the cons of being young, I guess. 我猜这就是年轻的缺点吧
[11:50] You can’t fact-check an old person’s story. I wasn’t there. 你不能去核实 一个老人家的故事 我当时不在场
[11:53] I hate being young. I don’t know nothin’. I’m 28. 我讨厌当年轻人 我什么都不知道 我才28岁
[11:56] I don’t know for sure that Michael Jackson was Black. 我甚至不确定 迈克尔·杰克逊是不是黑人
[12:01] Y’all keep saying it. I didn’t see it. 你们一直这么说 我没看到过
[12:04] And every photo I’ve seen, he was an Asian woman, so I– 我看到的每张照片里 他都是个亚裔女人 所以我…
[12:10] I’ll never know. 我永远都不会知道了
[12:12] It frustrates me to no end, man. 成为我永远的心结
[12:13] I love old people, dude. 我好爱老人家
[12:15] I wish my entire audience was like 65 and up. 我希望我所有的观众都在65岁以上
[12:17] Oh my God. 天啊
[12:19] Yeah. It’d be a much shorter career, but… 那样我的职业生涯会短暂很多 不过…
[12:23] They take into consideration who they’ve seen. 考虑到他们一生中见过形形色色的人
[12:26] I’m kinda flattered, you know. 挺受宠若惊的 你们懂哦
[12:28] What I love about old stories, 我喜欢老人家们的故事
[12:30] like hearing Lenny’s stories for hours on end 就像连续几个小时听连尼的故事
[12:33] is it inspires me to think about the stories I’m gonna have to tell 它们会激励我去思考 等我到了那个年纪时
[12:36] when I get to that age. 我要讲的故事
[12:37] I hope I live a full life and have fun stories to pass down. 我希望我能活得精彩纷呈 有有趣的故事可以传承
[12:41] I liked hearing about his war stories, his adventures, his family stories. 我喜欢听他讲他打仗的故事 他的冒险经历 他的家庭故事
[12:45] That excited me the most, to have a family someday. 最让我期待的是 有一天我也能有个家
[12:47] I’m excited to have kids, but not now. 我很期待能有孩子 但不是现在
[12:50] No, not now. Things are going very well, um… 不 不是现在 现在一切都顺风顺水
[12:55] I’m also terrified to have kids, man, ’cause I’ve made fun of a lot of people. 我对生孩子也心怀畏惧 因为我取笑过很多人
[13:01] And if you believe in karma… 如果你们相信因果报应…
[13:05] My kid is about to be fucked up, dude. 我的孩子肯定要完蛋了
[13:09] My kid is about to have five legs and a shark fin on his back. 我的孩子会有五条腿 背上还有鲨鱼鳍
[13:15] He is about to be a monstrosity. 他会是个怪物
[13:17] And I know I’m not mature enough to have that conversation 但我知道我还不够成熟 无法跟他聊这件事
[13:21] when he’s finally, like, “Why am I like this?” 他终究会问:“我为什么长这样?”
[13:25] Fuck! 操-
[13:28] I’m just there, like… 我就只能说…
[13:32] ‘Cause Daddy’s funny. 因为老爹我很风趣
[13:35] You know. 你们知道吧
[13:37] I’ve made a lot of people laugh. 我让很多人开怀大笑
[13:40] So will you. 你也会笑的
[13:45] For different reasons, but you know. 出于不同的原因 但是没办法
[13:48] If they pay the admission. 如果他们付了入场费的话
[13:53] I think it’s mainly about timing for me. 我想对我来说主要是时机的问题
[13:55] I wanna pick the right time to have kids ’cause I… I’m 28, 我想选个合适的时机生孩子 我现在28岁
[13:58] so realistically, I have all the time in the world, but… 所以实际点说 我时间相当充裕
[14:01] The benefits of being a guy, 身为男人的好处就是
[14:03] we don’t have to rush into starting a family. 我们不必急着成家
[14:05] We can have kids whenever we want, which I don’t think is fair to women, 我们什么时候想要孩子都行 我觉得这一点对女人来说很不公平
[14:09] considering women are the ones who literally have to have the baby. 考虑到真正怀孕生孩子的是女人
[14:13] Doesn’t make sense you’d have to compete against this biological clock. 让你们来跟这个生物钟赛跑 感觉很不合理
[14:17] It seems messed up. 感觉挺扯的
[14:19] ‘Cause for… for women, you can wait till you’re older, but the older you get, 因为对女人来说 你们可以等年纪再大一些 但你们的年纪越大
[14:23] don’t the odds start to go up of your kid being… 你们的孩子就越有可能…
[14:30] “…first to lunch,” we’ll call it. “可以优先吃午餐” 这么说比较好
[14:34] Is there a nicer way to say it? 有更好的说法吗?
[14:37] You can groan all you want, 随你们怎么叹气
[14:38] but don’t act like 25 minutes before you were allowed to go, 但不要假装 在你们被允许去吃午餐的25分钟前
[14:42] you didn’t have to watch them hauling ass down the hallway. 你们不用看着这些混蛋在走廊上奔走
[14:45] You were just like… 你只能这样…
[14:50] Goddammit. 该死
[14:53] Naruto is gonna drink up all the spaghetti. 鸣人会把意大利面全部喝光的
[14:56] Great. 太好了
[15:04] Not to say it’s a bad thing. 不是说这是件坏事
[15:07] I… I– In fact, I actually think it’s kinda cool to see the way God works. 其实我觉得 能看看上帝怎么做事还挺酷的
[15:12] If you pay attention, God always finds a way of evening things out. 如果你们有留意过 上帝总有办法让事情趋于平稳
[15:16] God always replaces a negative with a positive. 上帝知道如何用积极取代消极
[15:18] Anytime you see somebody who is born… less fortunate 当你看到一个在某方面
[15:22] in a certain aspect, you don’t gotta worry ’cause God’s gonna bless them 比较不幸的人时 你不用担心 因为上帝会保佑他们
[15:26] with… with an attribute, a… a quality about themselves, 他们会有某种特质 某种品质
[15:29] sometimes even a skill set. 有时甚至是某项综合技能
[15:31] Kinda evens that playin’ field a little. 算是创造了一个稍微公平些的环境
[15:33] I noticed it first in my nephew, Chase. He’s a teenager now, but he’s autistic 我最先是在我侄子身上发现了这一点 他现在十几岁了 但他有自闭症
[15:38] as fuck, 严重得一逼
[15:39] wh– which is probably not the medical term, but he, um… he… 这可能不是医学术语 但他…
[15:44] he got it, for sure. Um… 他肯定有这毛病
[15:46] He’s, uh… he’s… he’s nonverbal. That’s his thing. 他不会说话
[15:49] Unless you’re his mom, he won’t speak to you, 他就是这样 除非你是他妈 否则他是不会跟你说话的
[15:52] no eye contact, won’t acknowledge you’re in the room. 不会跟你眼神交流 甚至当你不存在
[15:55] It’s pretty rude, but that’s… 这很没礼貌 但那是…
[15:58] …that’s his symptom, you know. 那就是他的症状
[15:59] But get this. His blessing… 但你们要知道 他得到的恩赐…
[16:01] His blessing is that he can paint. 他得到的恩赐是他会画画
[16:04] As a teenager, he paints better than any art teacher I’ve ever had. 虽然他才十几岁 但他的画 比我的任何一个艺术老师都画得好
[16:08] I just think it’s cool to see the way God always finds a way 我觉得看到 上帝总能有办法让事情趋于平稳
[16:11] of evenin’ things out. 这还挺酷的
[16:12] It’s really impressive to me, and… 我觉得这相当惊人
[16:16] I wish I would’ve known to look for that sooner. 真希望我早些意识到件事
[16:18] It might’ve changed my perspective on things growing up. 这可能可以改变 我小时候对事物的一些看法
[16:20] There was a kid, Alex, in our high school. 我高中的学校里 有个叫阿莱克斯的孩子
[16:22] Alex was the same age as me. We entered high school together. 阿莱克斯和我一样大 我们同时入学
[16:26] Had gym class together. 一起上体育课
[16:27] He… he was special needs, and he… he had a… 他有些特殊需要 而且他还有…
[16:34] he… he had a… … dick on him, man. 他…他的鸡巴很惊人
[16:38] I don’t know… 我不知道
[16:40] I don’t know how else to tell y’all that. That boy was… … blessed , man. 我不知道还能怎么跟你们说 那家伙得到的恩赐可太大了
[16:45] People felt sorry for him. “Fuck that, dude.” 人们觉得他很可怜 得了吧 老兄
[16:47] “He’s been terrorizing us in the locker room the whole semester.” 他在更衣室里恐吓了我们整整一学期
[16:51] Got us all backed up against the lockers. It’s like, “Goddamn, Alex!” 我们都紧紧靠着储物柜 感叹:“该死 阿莱克斯!”
[16:56] That’s where the extra chromosome goes? 多余的染色体就是去那儿了?
[17:01] Good for you, man. 真有你的 兄弟
[17:03] Until this day, he’s the nicest person I’ve met. 直到今天 他仍是我见过的最好的人
[17:06] I hope he’s out there hurting somebody now. Really. 我希望他现在有在让别人龇牙咧嘴
[17:10] She needs the helmet. 她才需要头盔的保护
[17:11] You know, they don’t always… They don’t always know their own strength. 他们并不总能了解到自己的能力
[17:15] But he’s a good dude. He deserves every inch of it and… 但他是个好人 每一厘米都是他应得的
[17:20] Yeah, we used to say he had dick-you-down syndrome. 我们以前常说他有“屌氏综合征”
[17:24] Yeah. 对
[17:26] Big shout-out to Alex, man. Big shout-out to Alex. 非常感谢阿莱克斯 非常感谢阿莱克斯
[17:29] – Whoo! – Yeah. 是的
[17:32] Short bus, but a long dick, man. And that’s… 公交车很短 但老二很长 这样…
[17:36] That’s balance. It’s what life’s all about at the end of the day. 这样很平衡 说到底 这就是人生的意义所在
[17:40] Balance. 平衡
[17:41] You can’t have everything. 你不可能拥有一切
[17:44] Sometimes, you just funny. 有时候你就只有风趣而已
[17:59] It’s fine. 没关系
[18:02] I still fucked him up in dodgeball. 我还是在玩躲避球时完胜了他
[18:06] Out of pure jealousy. I was like, “You’re not even using it.” 纯粹是出于嫉妒 我说:“你根本都不用它”
[18:15] Yeah, but… 是啊 不过…
[18:18] God works in mysterious ways, huh? 上帝真是难以捉摸 嗯?
[18:22] Know what’s funny? I’ve mentioned God eight times the past two minutes. 知道好笑的是什么吗? 我知道在过去的两分钟内 我提到了大约八次上帝
[18:26] I’m really not the most religious person. I’m really not. 我甚至不是个虔诚的人 真的不是
[18:29] I hope there’s a god. I pray every day that there’s a god. 我希望有上帝 我每天都在祈祷上帝真的存在
[18:32] It’d make a lot of sense, answer a lot of questions. 这能让很多事变得合理 得到解释
[18:35] It’s tricky sometimes. 有时候挺复杂的
[18:36] Certain things’ll happen, make you question faith a little bit. 会发生一些事 让你有些质疑命运
[18:40] It’s hard to pick a religion, man. 要挑一个宗教太难了
[18:42] It’s– I say it’s hard to pick a religion, but I… I… I do still wear a cross chain. 我是说了要挑一个宗教很难 但我确实戴了一个十字架链子
[18:48] – Yeah. – Yeah. Yeah. 是的
[18:51] But for the same reason you bring a condom on the first date. You know. 但理由和你第一次约会 会带上安全套一样
[18:55] I hope I don’t gotta use it, but you know. 我希望我不必用上它 但你们知道啦
[18:58] Just in case. 以防万一
[19:01] In case I die, and Jesus is like, “You ain’t gettin’ in here.” 万一我死了 耶稣说:“你知道你不能进来这里的”
[19:04] “Nah, son, I bought the wristband.” “不 小子 我买了腕带了”
[19:09] Let me in. 让我进去
[19:13] I paid for this meet-and-greet. Where your dad at? 这次见面我付了钱的 你爸在哪里?
[19:25] Yeah, religion is… is just tricky, man. 是的 宗教很复杂
[19:27] But I’ve always respected it. Always respected religion. 但我一直很尊重它 一直很尊重宗教
[19:30] Everybody’s religion’s good. I have the utmost respect for. 每个人的宗教 我都非常尊重
[19:33] It’s important for people to have something to believe in. 对人们来说 有信仰是很重要的
[19:36] My ex tried to drive it home pretty heavy. 我的前任曾经再三强调过这一点
[19:38] She was super religious. My ex is one of the most religious people I’ve met, 她非常虔诚 我的前任是我见过的最虔诚的人之一
[19:42] which is hilarious 这挺好笑的
[19:44] ’cause she is not getting into heaven, bro. 因为她进不了天堂
[19:46] Not… not a fuckin’ chance, man. 完全没有机会
[19:49] Not even as my plus-one. 作为我的女伴跟进去都不行
[19:51] She’s gonna have to chill for a couple centuries outside these gates, man. 她得在门外冷静几个世纪
[19:56] She was so religious, 她超级虔诚
[19:58] but just… …not a good person. 但…不是个好人
[20:01] Like, do you know people like that? 你们认识那种人吗?
[20:04] They’re so religious that you’re like, “You’re compensating a little bit.” 他们过于虔诚 你会想:“你这样有点过分了”
[20:10] What kind of Christian wakes up to read the Bible every morning 什么样的基督徒 每天早上醒来都要读《圣经》
[20:12] when last night, all you wanted me to do was lick your butt. Like, wha– 而头一天晚上 你一心只想让我舔你的屁股 什么…
[20:18] What psalm is that, Jezebel? 耶洗别 这是哪个诗篇?
[20:22] And how’d you get me to do it? That’s the bigger question. 更大的问题是 你是怎么做到让我愿意舔你的?
[20:26] Dude, that’s fuckin’ disgusting, man. 老兄 那他妈太恶心了 天啊
[20:29] You don’t understand. I don’t even eat onions. 你们不明白 我连洋葱都不吃
[20:31] I never thought I’d do nothing like that. I don’t know what came over me. 我从没想过我会那样做 我不知道自己是怎么了
[20:34] I don’t know if it was the butt Holy Spirit or what, 我不知道是屁股圣灵还是什么
[20:36] but that shit just 但你的那儿
[20:39] had your boy speaking in tongues. You know what I mean? Just… 让你的男人巧舌如簧 只会…
[20:46] Still broke up. 还是分手了
[20:49] Did you ever eat someone’s ass, then break up. 舔了别人的屁股 然后分手了
[20:53] It’s the worst Last Supper ever, dude. 这是史上最糟糕的《最后的晚餐》
[20:56] It’s just… 真的是…
[21:00] It’s disgusting. 恶心
[21:04] Tastes like betrayal and pennies. 尝起来像背叛和硬币的味道
[21:11] But… 不过…
[21:13] …it’s her religion, you know. 那是她的宗教信仰
[21:16] I don’t, you know, discredit anybody’s beliefs. 我不会诋毁任何人的信仰
[21:19] I believe in things. 我也有信仰
[21:20] I do have beliefs. They might not be as deep-rooted as religion, 我真的有信仰 可能不像宗教那么根深蒂固
[21:24] but I do believe in things that affect my life to a severe degree. 但我确实相信一些 对我的人生影响至深的东西
[21:27] Um, for example, I’m… I’m a terrible sleeper. 比如说 我的睡眠质量很差
[21:30] I… I have terrible, terrible sleep problems, 我有严重的睡眠问题
[21:33] and part of that is to do with the fact that one of my biggest beliefs 其中一部分原因在于 我最相信的东西之一
[21:37] is in ghosts and monsters. 就是鬼魂和怪物
[21:41] I’m a 28-year-old grown man, and my biggest fear is the dark. 我是个28岁的成年人 但我最大的恐惧是黑暗
[21:44] You don’t know what’s in there. 你们不知道黑暗中有什么
[21:46] I’ll tell you, ghosts and monsters, 我来告诉你们 有鬼魂和怪物
[21:48] and y’all look ridiculous for not being more concerned about it 而你们在日常生活中 对此却没有多加关注
[21:51] on a day-to-day basis, dude. 这太可笑了
[21:53] They’re so real. 它们超真实
[21:54] I’m such a bitch, man. I really am. 我太弱鸡了 真的
[21:56] I– 我…
[21:57] I literally have to sleep with my TV on every single night 我每晚都得开着电视睡觉
[22:01] ’cause I’ve really convinced myself that if the TV’s on, 因为我真的相信 只要开着电视
[22:05] the ghosts are gonna think I have people over, 鬼魂就会觉得有人跟我在一起
[22:09] so… I’ll just be like chiming in to shit that I’m watchin’, 所以我会和电视对话
[22:13] just doin’ too much. 表现得很夸张
[22:15] Just… Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh. 真的是…-
[22:17] That’s crazy how much fun we’re all having in here. 难以置信 我们会玩得这么开心
[22:23] Just me and 12 of the biggest Black dudes you’ve ever seen. 就我和12个你见过的最壮硕的黑人
[22:28] Hanging out watching Mean Girls . 一起看《贱女孩》
[22:31] You know, you gotta… …lay down some ground rules. 你得定下一些基本规则
[22:34] Gotta let these ghosts know they’re not safe in your house. 得让那些鬼知道 它们在你家不安全
[22:37] You squatted up in there. They don’t know. 你蹲在那里面 它们不知道
[22:40] Twelve Black dudes ain’t afraid of nothin’. 12个黑人无所畏惧
[22:42] Except for people dressed like ghosts. 只怕打扮得像鬼一样的人
[22:48] Yeah. 是啊
[22:51] I told you all monsters are real. 我跟你们说 所有怪物都是真的
[22:56] I just… I… I do not mess with ghosts, man. 我是不会招惹鬼魂的
[22:59] You can’t even confront ’em ’cause the ironic thing about ghosts 你连跟它们对峙都不行 因为鬼魂最讽刺的一点就是
[23:03] is the more innocent and approachable a ghost should be, the scarier it is. 越天真无邪、平易近人的鬼 越可怕
[23:08] The ghost of a child. Get the fuck away from me. 小孩的鬼魂 离我远点
[23:11] I don’t know if you’re a demon 我不知道你是恶魔
[23:14] or an Amber Alert, but I want you outta my house right now. 还是安珀警报 但我要你马上离开我家
[23:17] Those are always the scariest ones, just showin’ up in your hallways. 它们永远都是最恐怖的 出现在你的门廊里
[23:20] Come play with us. 来和我们一起玩吧
[23:23] They’re always British. 它们永远都是英国鬼
[23:25] All dead kids are British when they’re a ghost for no reason. 小孩死后变成鬼 都会是英国鬼 毫无理由
[23:28] Little dead British kids always wanna play. 死去的英国小孩总是想玩
[23:32] I don’t even know what an American kid ghost would say, 我都不知道一个美国小孩鬼会说什么
[23:36] but that’d be terrifying to hear. 但肯定很恐怖
[23:38] Can you imagine crawling into bed at 3:00 a.m. and hear, 你们能想象吗? 凌晨3点爬上床 然后听到
[23:41] “I hate this school.” “我讨厌这所学校”
[23:56] Just seeing if y’all are still fun. 就是看看你们还开不开得起玩笑
[23:58] Just wanted to see. Just wanted to see. 就是想看看
[24:00] Just checkin’ in. 确认一下
[24:04] Ah, dude. 朋友们
[24:05] Ghosts are terrifying, man. 鬼魂真的很可怕
[24:08] The only thing that scares me more than ghosts is monsters, 比鬼更可怕的是怪物
[24:11] and I’m… I’m pretty sick of y’all not taking ’em serious. 我已经受够了你们不把它们当回事
[24:15] ‘Cause they’re all over the place, man. 因为它们无处不在
[24:17] That’s the thing about monsters. Nobody knows where they’re at. 怪物就是这样 没人知道它们在哪里
[24:20] Everybody has theories as to where they think they hide. 关于它们的藏身处 每个人都有不同的说法
[24:22] I’ve… I’ve heard weird places. I’ve heard, like, closed shower curtain. 我听说过一些奇怪的地方 我听说过关着的浴帘
[24:26] I know people who won’t use a restroom unless they open the shower curtain first 我认识一些人 不先拉开浴帘 他们就不用洗手间
[24:30] to make sure this motherfucker isn’t in there lathering up with the 3-in-1. 得确保那个混蛋没在里面泡三合一浴
[24:34] It turns out he’s the one takin’ fistfuls of hair against the shower walls 原来这么多年来 就是他把大把头发
[24:37] for all those years. 抹在墙上
[24:42] A little skeptical about that one. 我对这种说法持怀疑态度
[24:44] Some places make more sense than others. 有些地方要更合理些
[24:46] The closet is a big one. It’s pretty standard. 比如衣柜 大家都很认可
[24:49] Plenty of people are afraid of a monster comin’ out 很多人都害怕半夜会有怪物冲出来
[24:51] in the middle of the night just eatin’ you up. 然后把你吃掉
[24:54] That checks out. That’s fuckin’ terrifyin’. 这很合理 那真的很恐怖
[24:56] You can’t have a monster comin’ outta the closet. That’s scary twice. 你不能让一个怪物出柜 那样会可怕翻倍的
[25:05] You’re tellin’ me not only is there a monster in my room 你这是在告诉我 我家不光有怪物
[25:09] but maybe he’s gay? 而且它还可能是个同志
[25:13] You said he was gonna eat me up. 你说它会把我吃掉
[25:17] You didn’t say dick first. You left out so many details. 但你没说会先吃老二 你遗漏了好多细节
[25:22] Now, I’ve just got this gay darkness roaming around my bedroom? 现在我的卧室里 充斥着同志气息的黑暗
[25:26] I’m being haunted by Lil Nas X? 我被利尔·纳斯·X缠上了
[25:28] You let me know. You let me know. 你告诉我
[25:35] I wanna know if the next song’s about me. 我想知道下一首歌是不是关于我的
[25:39] Like, why’d he choose my closet, ya know? Like, it’s… 他为什么选了我的衣柜?
[25:43] That’s less scary more flattering. I can get on board with that. 这样就没那么可怕 反而比较讨喜了 这我可以接受
[25:47] The closet makes sense. 衣柜很合理
[25:49] I will say probably the number one spot that’s most common 我想说 也许最常见的
[25:52] that I was never really afraid of a monster hiding there 我从未真正害怕过的 有怪物躲着的其中一个地方
[25:55] was under the bed. 就是床底下
[25:58] It’s one of the more common places, especially when you’re a kid. 这是比较常见的地方之一 尤其在你小时候
[26:01] You’d be afraid of a monster’s hand comin’ up and grabbin’ your leg. 你会害怕怪物伸出手来抓住你的腿
[26:06] Never scared me. 我从来都不怕
[26:07] I think because I started masturbating pretty early. 我想是因为我很早就开始打飞机了
[26:11] So by 11 or 12, I was like, “Hey, huh, 所以到了11或12点 我会想:“嘿
[26:15] if a hand reach up here.” 如果有只手伸上来”
[26:19] He’s just helpin’. You know what I mean? 它只是在帮忙而已 你们懂我的意思吗?
[26:22] I’m the monster now. 现在我才是怪物
[26:24] You know, bro. He ain’t even built for that, bro. 要知道 它甚至都不是为此而生的
[26:27] I would dick my bed demon down, dude. 我会操翻我的床怪
[26:30] He’s not built for those rounds. He’d be catchin’ feelin’s, 它应付不来我的火力 它会对我产生感觉
[26:34] getting possessive and shit. 变得有占有欲什么的
[26:36] He’s knockin’ on my headboard at 3:00 a.m. He’s like, “You up?” 凌晨3点敲着我的床头板说:“你醒了吗?”
[26:39] What? 啥?-
[26:41] I got school in the morning, dawg. Chill out. Chill. 我早上还要上学 冷静点 冷静
[26:44] Goddamn. 妈的
[26:45] You’re not full? Huh? 你还没满足?
[26:52] I didn’t think he could fit under there, man. 我觉得我床底塞不下它
[26:55] There’s no way there’s room for a monster and all those towels under my bed. 我的床底下不可能 塞得下一个怪物和那么多毛巾
[26:59] You know what I mean? 你们懂我的意思吗?
[27:01] And if there is one, he is crunchy. 如果有的话 它肯定很松脆
[27:03] He ain’t… 它不会…
[27:04] He ain’t sneakin’ up on nobody. It’s way too loud. 它不可能偷偷接近任何人 动静太大了
[27:11] You can hear a semen demon coming from a mile away. 隔老远就能听到精液恶魔的动静
[27:14] You really can, right? 真的
[27:16] They ain’t got no stealth at all. 它们完全无法蹑手蹑脚
[27:20] It’s a damn shame. 太可惜了
[27:26] However, 不过
[27:28] piggybacking off of semen demons… 利用精液魔鬼…
[27:31] The– 呃-
[27:32] There is another monster people are pretty afraid of we should talk about. 我们还得说说另一个大家很怕的怪物
[27:36] Clowns. 小丑
[27:37] A lot of people don’t fuck with clowns. 很多人都不喜欢小丑
[27:40] Even though you’ve dated a few. That’s on you. Still… 虽然你们交往过几个 那只能挂UI你们自己 还是…
[27:44] Still a respectable fear, I get it. 还是很吓人 我懂
[27:46] I… I’m not personally afraid of clowns, but I get it. 我个人是不怕小丑的 但我能理解
[27:48] I’ve… I’ve got four sisters, and they’re terrified of clowns. 我有四个姐妹 她们都很怕小丑
[27:52] ‘Cause when I was about 13 years old, 在我大约13岁时
[27:54] we all watched the, uh, the original It movies. 我们都看过原版的《小丑回魂》
[27:58] For anybody who has no idea, there’s a movie called It . 给不知道的人提示一下 有一部电影名叫《小丑回魂》
[28:01] It’s… it’s based on a Stephen King book. 是根据斯蒂芬·金的书改编的
[28:03] It’s about this killer-demon-monster clown, 讲了一个变态杀人狂小丑
[28:07] who lives in the sewer system, and he comes up through the drains 他住在下水道里 他从排水沟爬出来
[28:11] to, like, eat children. That’s the whole movie, him as a monster. 就为了吃小孩 整部电影就是这样 他是个怪物
[28:14] We watched this movie at my grandpa’s house, 我们在我爷爷家看了这部电影
[28:16] and it scared my sisters so bad, 把我的姐妹们吓坏了
[28:20] they didn’t shower for three weeks. 她们整整三周没有洗澡
[28:23] That… that’s how terrified they were, that he was gonna come up 她们就怕到了这种程度 她们小时候就怕他
[28:27] through the drains and eat them when they were kids. 从排水沟爬出来把她们吃掉
[28:29] But they didn’t know that by that time… 但她们不知道
[28:33] I had been jerking off in the shower. 那时候我已经开始在洗澡时打飞机了
[28:36] So like, 所以感觉就像
[28:37] he been eating my children. I figured… 他在吃我的小孩 我猜…
[28:41] I figure we built a good rapport and understanding, you know? 我想我们建立了良好的关系和默契
[28:44] You’re not gonna kill the cow when you get the milk for free. 当你能免费得到牛奶时 你是不会把奶牛杀掉的
[28:47] That’s just… That’s bad Business 101. You know? 那是最典型的亏本买卖 不是吗?
[28:50] His name is Pennywise, but he be eating quarter-loads. 他叫一分钱 潘尼怀斯 但他吃超多
[28:53] I’ll tell ya that much right now. That boy… 我可以这么跟你们说 那小子…
[28:56] That boy eatin’ good down there, man. 那小子在下面吃得很好
[28:59] And they all float. Don’t they? Right on top of the water. 它们会浮在水面上 不是吗?
[29:03] Like an oil spill. 就像泄露的石油一样
[29:07] You shouldn’t be jerking off in the shower. 洗澡的时候不应该打飞机
[29:08] That’s how you get early onset Candy Cane 这就是你提前驼背的原因
[29:11] ’cause you’re just hunched over in that hot water. 因为你在热水里弓着身
[29:14] You’re getting molded like a mouthpiece. 你被塑造成了一个哨嘴
[29:18] It’s also a waste of your time 这样也很浪费时间
[29:19] ’cause if you miss the drain directly, and it gets somewhere on the tub, 因为如果你没能对准排水口的话 它就会喷得到处都是
[29:23] you gotta spend the next 12 minutes just gathering water, like… 接下来的12分钟 你就得在那儿接水 然后…
[29:35] It’s gotta be a direct hit, or it does no damage at all. And I’m– 必须直接命中 否则没用的
[29:39] I’m realizing right now, I need more guy fans. That’d help a lot. 我现在知道了 我需要多些男性粉丝 那会很有帮助
[29:44] If this room was 70% dudes the way it is women, this joke would have been like… 如果大厅里 目前这70%的女人换成男人 这个笑话就会…
[29:50] ‘Cause all the dudes get it 因为男人都会懂
[29:52] and every girl is like, “Is it a jellyfish?” 而女孩子只会说:“这是水母吗?”
[29:54] Like, what? 什么?
[29:55] Why… why would it stick– 它为什么会粘在…
[29:57] Kind of, consistency-wise, it’s not far off from a jellyfish. 就稠度而言 它和水母相差无几
[30:01] It’s disgusting, whatever it is, man. 不管是什么 它都很恶心
[30:04] Guys are so gross. 男人真恶心
[30:07] Luckily, we’re funny on accident. 幸好我们碰巧很风趣
[30:11] I think that’s what helps us get through the embarrassment of puberty 我想这就是 帮我们度过青春期尴尬的关键
[30:14] ’cause you ladies would lose your mind 因为如果你们女生真的看到
[30:16] if you really saw how much of a shitshow it is 一个少年学习熟练打飞机的过程中
[30:19] to be a young man trying to learn how to masturbate proficiently. 发生的各种糗事时 你们肯定会疯的
[30:23] Ah, dude. 天啊
[30:24] It’s just embarrassing mistake after embarrassing mistake. 那就是一个接一个 令人尴尬的错误而已
[30:28] I… I mean, I suppose nobody understands the difficulty more than women 我想没有人 比女性更能理解这种困难了
[30:32] ’cause how y’all figure out your own little fidget spinner on your own 因为你们也自己弄明白了 下面那个指尖陀螺是怎么回事
[30:35] I’ll never understand in a million years. 我一百万年也无法明白
[30:38] Y’all are just thrown to the wilderness with no owner’s manual or nothing. 你们就这样被扔到荒郊野外 没有任何使用手册的指引
[30:42] Just forced to figure it out for yourself. And you do! 只能被迫自己弄清楚 而且你们成功了!
[30:45] All by yourself, and I’m so proud of each and every one of you. 全靠自己 我真为你们每一个人骄傲
[30:48] I really am. 真的
[30:49] ‘Cause… 因为…
[30:55] ‘Cause if you didn’t, we never would, literally ever. 因为如果连你们都没弄懂 我们就永远不可能搞明白了
[30:59] You already have to walk us through every step of the way, 你们已经得一步步带着我们做了
[31:02] and even that’s exhausting in the simplest form. 可即使是最简单的形式也很累人
[31:06] Fellas. 兄弟们
[31:08] How many times have you fingered a girl for so long 你们有多少次因为用手指撩拨太久
[31:14] you wake up the next day, like… 以至于第二天醒来 你会想…
[31:21] Did I go fuckin’ bowling last night? 我昨晚是他妈去打保龄球了吗?
[31:25] Did I indoor rock climb for nine hours? 我做了九个小时的室内攀岩吗?
[31:29] I’m walking around the next day pointing at shit like Spider-Man 第二天我指东西都是蜘蛛侠的造型
[31:32] ’cause I can’t… 因为我没办法…
[31:34] I can’t straighten my tendons anymore. 我已经伸不直我的肌腱了
[31:37] I can’t grip shit the next day. 第二天我连东西都握不住了
[31:39] It’s like great. Yeah, you came, and I got cerebral palsy. 太棒了 你高潮了 而我得了脑瘫
[31:42] Awesome. Yeah, that. 太棒了 是啊
[31:47] It hurts, man. You ladies are very strong. Good job. 好痛 你们女孩子可真厉害 做得好
[31:53] Women definitely have it harder. There’s no argument there. 女人肯定更不容易 这一点无可争议
[31:56] I think men just have it more embarrassing, 我觉得男人会更尴尬
[31:58] ’cause we don’t… we don’t take anybody’s advice. 因为我们不接受任何人的建议
[32:01] We only learn via trial and error, and you don’t forget those errors. 我们只能通过试错来学习 而且你不会忘记那些错误
[32:05] Every man in this room has been caught… 在座的每个男人都曾经被人撞见过
[32:08] whether you know it or not. 不管你们知不知道
[32:12] You’re not as sneaky as you think you are. 你们并没有自己想的那么隐蔽
[32:14] And– That’s good, you have to figure out your system. 这很好 你得琢磨出你自己的一套
[32:17] As an adult man, every guy in this room knows 作为一个成年男人 在座的男人都知道
[32:20] how to do it, where to do it, when to do it. 该怎么做 在哪里做 什么时候做
[32:22] How to adjust according to time zones and solstices. 如何根据时区和至日进行调整
[32:24] There’s a whole… There’s a whole rigmarole that goes on, 有一个完整的… 有一大堆乱七八糟的情况
[32:27] but we have to figure that out the hard way. 但我们确实 要付出很大代价才能弄清楚
[32:30] And thank God I never got caught, like, in the act. 谢天谢地 我从来没被抓过现行
[32:33] I don’t know how I would’ve recovered, 否则我都不知道该怎么平复
[32:35] but I do remember getting caught with porn for the first time, 但我记得 我看黄片第一次被撞见的场景
[32:40] and I was, uh, oh, boy… 我当时 天啊
[32:42] I… I was 12 years old. 我当时才12岁
[32:45] Yeah. In my defense, I wasn’t looking for porn when I found it. 是啊 我解释一下 我并不是奔着找黄片去的
[32:48] I was looking for Christmas presents in my parents’ bedroom. 我是在父母的卧室里找圣诞礼物
[32:53] It was middle of December. When I get home from school, 当时是12月中旬 我放学回到家
[32:55] there was always a couple-hour window before my mom would get home from work. 距离我妈下班回家还有几个小时时间
[32:58] I knew they’d been Christmas shopping, so I broke into their room. 我知道他们在买圣诞礼物 所以我溜进了他们的房间
[33:02] I was snoopin’ around. First place I checked was under the bed. 我到处查看 我最先找的地方是床底下
[33:05] My bed monster was there. 我的床怪在那里
[33:07] “Oh, you looking for another bitch?” I was like… “你在找别的床怪?” 我说:
[33:10] “Not now, a different mission. Okay?” Um… “现在不行 我有别的事 好了”
[33:16] Closet. 衣柜
[33:18] That’s where you keep the goods, right? 你们的东西就是放在那儿 对吧?
[33:20] So I go over to the closet confidently. 我自信满满地走向衣柜
[33:23] Wing it open. 把它打开
[33:28] Nothin’. 什么都没有
[33:31] So I was about to just give up and go back to my room, and I heard a voice. 在我正要放弃 回我的房间时 我听到一个声音
[33:35] I don’t know if it came from in my head or under the bed, but it said, 我不知道它是从我脑子里传出来的 还是从床下面 但它说:
[33:38] “Check the top shelf.” “看看柜子顶上”
[33:46] So I did. 于是我照做了
[33:50] And at first glance, it was a typical top shelf of a parents’ closet. 乍一看 它就是 典型的父母衣柜的顶层
[33:54] Blankets folded up at the front, some hoodies to the side, 前面放着叠起来的毯子 旁边有些卫衣
[33:56] but what caught my eye was a piece of blue cardboard 但一个蓝色的纸板吸引了我的目光
[33:59] sticking up from behind the blankets, 它从毯子后面露了出来
[34:01] so I brought the blankets down, and it revealed this… 于是我把毯子拿下来 然后露出了…
[34:05] this gigantic 一个巨大的
[34:07] Bud Light beer box. 百威啤酒箱
[34:09] One of the huge cases, like the 64-can count of Bud Light. 最大的那种箱子 能装64罐的那种
[34:13] You have stepdads? You know what I’m talking about. 你们有继父吗?你们知道我在说什么
[34:16] Yeah, “That this ain’t my real family” case of beer. 是的 “这不是我真正的家”啤酒箱
[34:21] But I knew, even at 12 I knew. I was like, “That’s not where beer goes.” 虽然才12岁 但我知道:“啤酒可不会放在这种地方
[34:26] “I betcha there’s presents in there.” 我打赌里面一定有礼物”
[34:28] And boy was there. 那里头可真没少装
[34:32] Bro, I brought this box down. 我把箱子拿下来
[34:34] It was the biggest box of porn anyone has ever seen. 那是有史以来最大的色情片箱
[34:38] It was a whole box filled with, like, 40 VHS tapes 满满一箱的录像带
[34:43] that my stepdad had accumulated over his “career,” I guess. 我猜全是我继父 在他的“职业生涯”中攒下来的
[34:48] And I’m… 我…
[34:49] I’m just siftin’ through ’em. They’re labeled different, weird things. 我在那儿翻找 它们贴有不同的标签 奇怪的标签
[34:53] One of them was, like, April 2003, 其中一个是2003年4月
[34:56] which was terrifying ’cause that’s my mom’s name. 很恐怖 因为写的是我妈的名字
[35:00] I was like, “June, July, August better be in here somewhere.” 我在那儿:“这里头 最好还有六月、七月和八月”
[35:03] Like this better be… 最好是…
[35:05] This better be a time stamp and not therapy forever. 这最好是一个时间戳 而不是终身心理创伤治疗
[35:08] Um… Couldn’t risk it, chose a blank one off the top, 不能冒险 选了最上面一个没有标签的
[35:12] put the box and blankets back exactly the way I found them, 把箱子原样放回原处
[35:14] ran to my room with it. 拿着它跑回我房间
[35:15] I had a VHS player in my room, and I watched it. 我房间里有台录像机 然后我看了录像带
[35:18] A lot. 很多遍
[35:21] That first one was for me. Treat yourself. 第一个是给我的 好好款待自己
[35:23] Yeah. But after that first time, I was really in there taking down notes. 但第一次之后 我真的开始写笔记了
[35:28] ‘Cause not a lot of women really know how important 因为很多女人都不知道
[35:31] porn is to the learning process of a young man. 黄片对一个少年的学习历程有多重要
[35:33] ‘Cause before we see porn, we don’t know anything, 在看黄片前 我们什么都不懂
[35:37] and we really pretend like we do, 我们都假装自己很懂
[35:39] so this is a bombshell of new information to try to absorb. 所以那是种爆炸性的新信息 需要我们好好吸收
[35:43] It’s very confusing. When you’re that young and inexperienced, 当你年少无知没有经验时 它们非常令人困惑
[35:46] you have no idea that porn 你不知道黄片
[35:49] is not real sex. 并不是真正的性爱
[35:51] At that age, you can’t even fathom that those are two different things. 在那个年纪 你甚至无法理解这是两码事
[35:55] After I watched this one movie, 看完那部电影后
[35:56] I thought you could only have sex with five other people. 我以为你只能和五个人上床
[36:01] I thought all sex was gang bangs. I was like, “Huh?” 我以为所有性爱 都是群交 我心想:“嗯?”
[36:04] I need more and better friends. 我需要更多更好的朋友
[36:08] Not Alex. 阿莱克斯不算
[36:14] It’s also a lot of positive information we do need 它也有很多我们需要的积极的信息
[36:17] ’cause we’re so stupid and so confident at that age. 因为我们在那个年纪 实在太蠢又太自信了
[36:20] You ever talked to a middle school boy? 你们跟中学生聊过天吗?
[36:21] We’re all like, “I fucked 100 girls last recess, bro.” 我们会说:“上个课间 我搞了100个女生 兄弟
[36:26] “You’re a virgin.” 你是个处男”
[36:27] And then, we’ll finally see porn a year later, and we’re like, 一年后 我们终于 看过黄片了 我们会想:
[36:31] “Oh shit!” “该死!
[36:33] “Pussy is so much lower than I thought it was.” 阴部比我以为得要低得多”
[36:38] But before we see porn, every boy thinks a pussy is right here. 但在我们看黄片前 所有男生都以为阴部在这里
[36:43] We think we walk dick-first into your belly button, and that’s just… 我们以为可以边走 边把老二送进你们的肚脐 而那就是…
[36:47] That’s what doing sex is. You know what I mean? 那就是所谓的性爱 你们懂我的意思吗?
[36:50] You hope she got an innie. 你会希望她的肚脐是凹进去的
[36:57] So it’s… it’s a lot of new information to try to digest, you know? 需要消化很多新信息
[37:00] I’m enjoyin’ myself. I’m excited. 我很享受 我很兴奋
[37:02] Can’t wait to go to school. Tell my friends. I know I’mma be the man. 我等不及要去学校告诉朋友们了 我会是他们眼中的真男人
[37:06] But because I was so caught up, 但因为我太专注了
[37:08] I made the biggest rookie mistake. 我犯了菜鸟犯的最大的错误
[37:10] I… I… I didn’t even think… to… put it back. 我根本没想过…要把它放回去
[37:15] I put the box and blankets back, but I was like, “He’s got plenty.” 我把箱子和毯子都放回去了 但我想着:“他有很多”
[37:19] There’s no way he’s gonna notice one missing, right? 他不可能注意到 有一盘不见了 对吧?
[37:22] Wrong. 错!
[37:25] The same night, dude, around 11:00 p.m. 当天晚上 大约11点钟
[37:27] I didn’t even get this tape for 24 hours. 那盘录像带在我手上还不到24小时
[37:30] I’m in my room, packing up for school the next day. 我在我房间 准备明天上学的东西
[37:33] Backpack’s full, I’m crawling in bed. I’m fuckin’ exhausted. 书包塞满了 我爬上床 我累死了
[37:41] From all the notes. 因为写了太多笔记
[37:45] And I’m nice and cozy under the sheets, 我在被窝里舒服地躺着
[37:47] comfy under the covers, 舒服惬意
[37:48] and I hear my stepdad come home from working his late-night shift. 然后我听到继父下夜班回家来的声音
[37:53] The sounds in the house were routine every single night. 屋子里所有的声音 每天晚上都是千篇一律的
[37:56] I could paint the picture and see what he was doing 我不用看都能想象得到
[37:58] without seeing what he was doing. 他在做些什么
[38:00] All the sounds are the same every night. 每晚的声音都是一样的
[38:01] You’d hear him come through the garage into the kitchen, crack a beer, 你会听到他从车库走进厨房 打开一罐啤酒
[38:05] come through the living room into the bedroom, 穿过客厅走到卧室
[38:07] where you hear him turn on the shower and get outta his work clothes. 你会听到他打开淋浴头 脱下工作服
[38:10] Just like every night. 就像每天晚上一样
[38:12] Only this night, 只不过那一晚
[38:14] I hear him crack the beer, 我听到他开了啤酒
[38:16] come through the living room into the bedroom… 穿过客厅走到卧室
[38:20] no shower. 但没有洗澡
[38:23] Just like 20-25 seconds of silence. 在20到25秒的寂静后
[38:27] And then, I hear 我听到
[38:28] throughout the house… 整个家都在回荡:
[38:32] “What the fuck?” “搞什么鬼?”
[38:42] I’m in my room, like, “That could be anything.” 我在房间里想着:“这什么情况都有可能”
[38:48] I hope my mom’s cheating in there. 我希望是我妈妈在和别人乱搞
[38:52] I hope he walked in on five other people in his house. 我希望他在自己家里发现五个陌生人
[38:58] Because that exclamation was followed by another two minutes 因为那声惊呼之后
[39:03] of just silence. 又是两分钟的寂静
[39:05] So I’m… I’m in my room, like, “What the fuck is going on?” 我在房间里想着:“什么情况?”
[39:10] Because then, I hear the footsteps again. 因为之后我又听到了脚步声
[39:15] They’re getting closer and heavier. 它们越来越近 越来越大声
[39:18] I’m sweating and hard, a terrifying combination at that age. 我一边流汗 一边还硬了 在那个年纪 这是种可怕的组合
[39:24] It was the first time in my life I hoped mysterious footsteps was a ghost… 那是我第一次希望 那神秘的脚步声是鬼来了
[39:29] …preferably the ghost of my real dad, so this wasn’t about to happen. 最好是我亲生父亲的鬼魂 这样就不会发生那种事了
[39:34] I knew he was gonna whoop my ass. 我知道他会抽我的屁股
[39:36] I knew I was in trouble. My bed monster was holdin’ my hand. 我知道我有麻烦了 我的床怪牵着我的手
[39:38] I’m like, “Not right now. Chill, chill.” 我说:“现在不行 冷静点
[39:41] “Maybe after. We’ll see how this goes.” 也许待会儿吧 我们看看情况”
[39:44] The footsteps stop at my bedroom door. 脚步声停在了我的卧室门口
[39:48] I’m like, “Fuck!” 我心想:“靠!”
[39:51] The door creaks open, 门被打开了
[39:56] and my stepdad leans in, 我继父走了进来
[39:59] and all he says is… 他说:
[40:03] “I’m missing something.” “我有东西不见了
[40:13] “I know you know 我知道你知道
[40:16] what I know, 我知道些什么
[40:19] and when I get home from work tomorrow, 等我明天下班回家
[40:23] I want it back 我要它回到原处
[40:26] and rewound.” 倒好带”
[40:39] I was like, “To the beginning or where you finished?” 我说:“倒到开头 还是你上次看的地方?”
[40:44] We gotta come up with some kind of time system now. 我们得商量出一个时间表来
[40:47] This… this is our collection now, okay? 这现在是我们的藏品了 好吗?
[40:51] He was like, “You wanna be grounded?” 他说:“你想被禁足吗?”
[40:52] “Gonna keep me in my room with this movie? I guess, lock me up.” “如果要把我和这电影一起 关在房间里 那就把我锁起来吧”
[40:55] Know what I mean? 懂我的意思吗?
[40:56] All summer, baby. I’m good. 整个夏天 宝贝 我可以
[40:59] It was a real turning point in he and I’s relationship 那是他和我的关系的一个转折点
[41:01] ’cause we hated each other, we had nothing in common, 因为我们本来很讨厌对方 我们毫无共同点
[41:04] but… but we… we finally had a thing. 但我们终于有一个了
[41:07] You know, I… I finally had leverage for once. 我终于有了筹码
[41:09] We couldn’t snitch on the other person without losing everything. It was nice. 我们无法在不失去一切的情况下 告发对方 这样很好
[41:13] You could either beat me or your dick. You ain’t gonna do both, okay. 你要么打我 要么打飞机 不可能二者兼得 好吗?
[41:18] Deal? 成交
[41:20] Deal? 成交
[41:29] That’s how we bonded. You know? It was nice. 我们就是这样建立情感联结的 很好
[41:33] Oh, man. 天啊
[41:40] Yeah. That was a good bonding experience, man. 是的 那是一次很好的增进感情的经历
[41:44] Then, the Internet had to come and ruin everythin’. 然后互联网出现了 毁了一切
[41:47] I like Internet porn, but you can’t bond with your family anymore. 我喜欢网络黄片 但这样你就不能再和家人增进感情了
[41:53] I hate the Internet. I really do. 我讨厌网络 真的
[41:56] Social media… I can’t stand social media, 社交媒体 我完全受不了社交媒体
[41:58] which I know is crazy for y’all to hear ’cause it’s why you’re all here. 我知道你们觉得这话很荒谬 因为你们就是因为网络才会在这儿的
[42:03] That’s a fun fact for you to know. I hate social media. 但这是关于我的一个有趣的事实 我讨厌社交媒体
[42:06] I never wanted to do it. I put it off for years. I can’t stand it. 我一直都不想参与 我拖了好几年 我受不了它
[42:09] I think social media is awful, such a negative, toxic place. 我觉得社交媒体很可怕 是个负面且有毒的地方
[42:12] It’s full of horrible people saying horrible things all the time. 上面全是一群出口伤人的可怕的人
[42:15] It’s the worst place to never exist, man. 这是个永远不该存在的最糟糕的地方
[42:21] It’s awful what people say, 人们说的那些话很可怕
[42:23] these… these… these people, these… trolls. 那些人 那些…网络喷子
[42:27] It’s a bunch of fuckin’ losers 一群废物
[42:30] with no friends and no life, 没有朋友 没有生活
[42:32] and no profile picture. 也没有头像
[42:36] Sit at home all day trying to… …cancel people, 整天坐在家里 试图抵制别人
[42:39] or say mean comments ’cause their life sucks so fuckin’ bad 或者发一些刻薄的评论 因为他们的人生一败涂地
[42:43] they can’t possibly imagine a life of misery by themselves. 他们根本无法想象 要自己独自承受这种不幸
[42:45] They have to try to drag other people down by leaving mean comments 他们必须发些恶意评论 说刻薄的话
[42:48] and saying rude stuff. 来拉别人下水
[42:51] I respond every time. Every time, dude. I… 我每次都会回应 每次都是 朋友们
[42:55] I can’t not! 我不能沉默!
[42:56] I can’t– I cannot fathom a reality 我无法理解这件事
[42:58] where people can talk to you as disrespectful as they want 别人可以肆无忌惮地贬低你
[43:01] without facing any physical consequences. 而不用承受任何实质后果
[43:03] That drives me absolutely insane, man. 这要把我逼疯了
[43:06] And I know– 我知道…
[43:07] I– 我…
[43:10] I know… I… I know as a… “…public figure,” 我知道我是个“公众人物”
[43:13] I’m supposed to be, like, the bigger person and take the high road, 我应该更大度包容 高风亮节
[43:17] but fuckin’ kill yourself, dude. I… 但你丫去死吧 老兄
[43:21] That goes for any Internet shit talker out there, man. 这话我是对所有网络喷子说的
[43:24] And I know that’s a harsh thing to say to somebody, 我知道对别人说这种话很伤人
[43:26] but the way I see it, nobody who’s a good person 但在我看来 一个好人
[43:29] and actually contributes anything positive to society 一个真正对社会有积极贡献的人
[43:32] is ever gonna go out of their way to leave a negative comment 是不会刻意在你勇敢创作
[43:35] under something you’ve been so brave as to create and share with the world, 并想与全世界分享的东西下 留下一些负面的评论
[43:38] and we just don’t need people like that around. 我们并不需要那样的人
[43:40] Sorry. 抱歉
[43:46] It’s just insane the lengths people will go to talk shit on the Internet, man. 大家在网上说垃圾话的程度太夸张了
[43:51] Earlier this year, we were flying from Los Angeles up to Vancouver, Canada 今年早些时候 我们从洛杉矶飞往加拿大温哥华
[43:55] for a comedy festival. 去参加一个喜剧节
[43:56] I had one show, one night. It was a 36-hour trip. Real quick, in and out. 我有一天晚上有一个节目 那是趟36小时的旅程 很快 快去快回
[44:00] Right? Head to the airport. 对吧?去机场
[44:01] The only thing I’ve brought with me was my backpack, 我唯一带的东西就是我的背包
[44:04] which you’d think would be ideal except for it’s an inconvenience 你们会觉得背包很理想
[44:07] as soon as you get to the airport 但除了去机场的时候
[44:08] ’cause TSA doesn’t know where the fuck a backpack goes, 因为运输安全局 不知道背包该怎么处理
[44:12] and they change the rules every day and then treat you like you’re an idiot 而且他们每天都在改规则 然后他们就把你当白痴对待
[44:16] for not knowing their made-up set of rules. 因为你不知道他们胡编的规则
[44:19] This specific occasion, I get through TSA, 这次 我通过了运输安全检查
[44:22] little to no issues. 几乎没有问题
[44:23] They don’t have to pull the bag aside. 他们不用把包放到一边
[44:26] Now, I’m heading to the gate, heading to the plane. 我朝登机口走去 朝飞机走去
[44:28] I’m actually pretty excited about the flight 我对这次航班还挺期待的
[44:30] ’cause it’s not that long, and I know I have a window seat, 因为它不算太久 而且我知道我的座位靠窗边
[44:33] which is inarguably the best seat on the plane. 这无疑是飞机上最棒的位置
[44:35] Yeah. Yeah, until the end of the flight. 是的…直到飞机快降落
[44:41] ‘Cause you know how they come by to let you know they’re about to land? 因为你们知道啦 他们会过来告诉你飞机要降落了
[44:46] Fifty-five minutes before they’re about to land. 在他们确实要降落的55分钟前
[44:50] And they will… 他们会…
[44:51] And they will wake you up from your window slumber 他们会把你从窗旁的沉睡中摇醒
[44:54] just to say some stupid shit like, 就为了说些废话:
[44:56] “I need you to put your window shade “降落期间
[44:58] all the way up for landing.” 请把遮阳板打开”
[45:01] Like this motherfucker checking his blind spot in 28F. 就像那个混蛋在检查 位于28F号座位的盲点一样
[45:14] So, I’m at least looking forward to gettin’ a little nap on the flight. 我期待在飞机上能小睡片刻
[45:17] So we’re boarding the plane. It’s a smaller plane, 我们登机了 那是架较小的飞机
[45:20] one you’ve all been on, 你们都坐过的那种
[45:21] where the overhead bins are so small they make you gate-check all your luggage. 飞机上头顶行李架很小 他们会让你 把所有的行李都托运的那种
[45:25] So I lucked out just having the backpack 我很幸运 只带了个背包
[45:27] ’cause even if the bag did fit in the bin, which it didn’t. Too small. 因为就算那个包能放进行李架 当然并不行 太小了
[45:31] Everybody knows your backpack goes under the seat in front. 大家都知道你的背包 要放在前面的座位下面
[45:34] I know that, you know that. I do it six times a week. 我知道 你也知道 我一周坐六次飞机
[45:36] So I’m settlin’ into the seat, putting the bag under, 我坐到座位上 把包塞下去
[45:39] and I had made a small mistake. 然后我犯了一个小错误
[45:40] I… I had overpacked the bag by just a little bit. 我把包装得有点太满了
[45:44] So it only fit, like, 75% under the seat in front of me. 所以它只有大约75%能被塞进去
[45:47] So I’m feelin’ it out and I’m like, you know what? 我目测了一下 想着 你猜怎么着?
[45:50] I’ll have more room and be more comfortable 如果我把包这样垫在腿下
[45:52] if I put my bag underneath my legs this way. 我坐得会更宽敞 更舒服一些
[45:55] So much more room. 多了很多空间
[45:57] I… I… I could still mermaid a little bit. 我还可以像美人鱼一样摆摆腿
[46:00] Problem solved. Now, I’m sitting back relaxing, 问题解决了 于是我悠闲地坐在那儿
[46:02] waiting to see who’s gonna sit next to me ’cause who sits next to you 等着看我旁边坐的人是谁 因为坐在你旁边的人
[46:06] plays a huge impact on your flight experience, right? 对你的飞行体验有着巨大的影响
[46:09] I get fucked immediately. 结果我立刻就悲剧了
[46:12] Dude, right behind me in the boarding process, 紧随我后面登机的
[46:14] here comes two of the worst possible passengers to sit next to. 是两个可能你最不想碰到的邻座乘客
[46:17] Beside me in the middle seat, is a three-year-old boy who– 坐在我旁边 中间位置的是一个三岁的小男孩
[46:22] Yeah, as soon as he sits down, is on his three-year-old… 他刚一坐下来 他就开始他的三岁…
[46:31] I’m just like, man. 我觉得 天啊
[46:34] I will cave this motherfucker’s sternum in. 我要把这个混蛋的胸骨锤进去
[46:36] Okay? 好吗?
[46:38] I bet it’s still soft. 我打赌它们还很软
[46:42] And… I’m pissed off. 我气得不行
[46:44] Not at the crying. Your baby crying on a plane doesn’t even bother me. 不是气他哭哦 我根本不介意你的孩子在飞机上哭
[46:48] I know you can’t control that, but what you can control 我知道你控制不了这件事 但你可以控制的
[46:50] is the physicality of your child. 是你小孩的身体
[46:53] ‘Cause for the rest of this 30-minute boarding process, 因为在接下来的30分钟的登机过程中
[46:56] this kid would not get his hand 那小孩的手一直
[47:00] this far away from my face. 一直离我的脸这么近
[47:02] Just… 这样…
[47:06] And I’m doing all the polite things to get him away. 我用尽了所有礼貌的方式推开他
[47:08] I’m like, “Okay, but… Okay, all right. Probably…” 我说:“好吧 但… 行 好吧 这样…
[47:12] “Probably enough. Somebody can break this up?” 差不多了 谁能来阻止一下他?”
[47:14] I’m doing all the things to let the dad know 我想尽一切办法让那个爸爸知道
[47:17] this isn’t okay, and he’s not paying attention. 这样不行 结果他根本没看到
[47:21] I was this close to leaning over to the dad 我差点就要凑到他爸爸面前
[47:23] and being like, “Hey!” 然后说:“嘿
[47:25] “You mind getting your sexy-ass kid away from me.” 你介意让你 性感的儿子离我远点吗?”
[47:38] Yeah. I know that’s gross. 是 我知道这样很恶心
[47:41] But what do I gotta do 但我还能怎么做
[47:43] to get your attention to let you know this is inappropriate. 才能让你注意到这样很不合适呢?
[47:47] What’s going on over here? 这是什么情况?
[47:50] The dad could not have been more incompetent. 那个爸爸真是太不称职了
[47:52] He was in the aisle seat watching shit on his iPad, 他坐在靠过道的座位 用他的iPad在看什么东西
[47:55] and the… the dad was… 那个爸爸…
[47:58] No disrespect, just an accurate detail 没有不尊重 只是准确的细节描述…
[48:00] to the story, but the dad was no less than I’d… I’d say 425 pounds. 要我说 那爸爸的体重不少于190公斤
[48:05] Like, he… he was a big dude. 他是个大块头
[48:07] If I had to piss on this flight, it was gonna be in my seat, 如果我需要在飞行途中尿尿 那我只能尿在座位上
[48:10] which I fully accepted. It’s… it’s fine. 我完全能够接受这件事 没关系
[48:13] So I’m just… …trying to keep my composure. 我努力想保持冷静
[48:17] We’re departing from the gate, heading towards the runway, 我们离开了登机口 朝着跑道开去
[48:19] and the flight attendant’s making her rounds up and down, 空乘人员在来回巡视
[48:22] make sure everyone’s buckled in, and she stopped at my row. 确保大家都系好了安全带 她在我那排停了下来
[48:25] She saw my bag under my legs, and she goes, 她看到了我腿下的背包 她说:
[48:29] “Uh-huh.” “不行哦
[48:31] “Sir, 先生
[48:33] I’m gonna need you to put your bag under the seat in front of you.” 请把您的包放到您前面的座位下”
[48:36] I said, “Ahh.” 我说:“啊
[48:39] “Doesn’t fit, but it’s okay.” 放不进去 不过没关系
[48:41] “Look.” 你看
[48:44] “Still got plenty of space, super comfortable.” 还有很多空间 非常舒服
[48:46] “I wouldn’t even worry about it. Thank you.” 不需要担心 谢谢”
[48:48] And she goes, “It’s not okay.” 她说:“这样不行
[48:51] “Put your bag under the seat in front of you, 把您的包放到前面的座位下
[48:52] or I will check it where you can go get it at baggage claim.” 否则我会把它拿走 您之后可以去行李处取回”
[48:58] I s– I said, “It… it doesn’t fit, 我说:“它放不进去
[49:01] and… we’ve already departed.” 而且…我们已经出发了
[49:06] “What do you wanna do?” 你想做什么?”
[49:09] And she said, “I don’t know, 她说:“我不知道
[49:11] not my bag, not my problem.” 不是我的包 轮不到我操心”
[49:17] I said, “You’re not gonna speak to me like this is Spirit Airlines, okay?” 我说:“你不能用 廉价航空公司的语气跟我说话
[49:22] “I am an American 我是美航
[49:25] Platinum Rewards Executive Pro member.” 铂金奖励执行专业会员
[49:28] “Okay?” 好吗?
[49:29] “And I have enough miles for us to speak like adults 我有足够的里程 让我俩用成年人的方式对话
[49:33] and agree that we both know that’s a stupid rule.” 而且我们都知道这是个愚蠢的规定
[49:36] “It’s not affecting anything.” 它没有影响到任何东西
[49:38] “Look.” 你看
[49:41] “Let’s just drop it and move on with the flight.” 别再纠结这件事 继续飞吧”
[49:44] She goes, “It’s not a stupid rule. It’s impeding your exit.” 她说:“这不是愚蠢的规定 它阻碍了您出去”
[49:47] I said, “Oh.” 我说:“哦
[49:49] “For real?” 真的吗?
[49:52] “Trapped. First one off is bitch.” 被困住了 第一个下去的人
[49:57] “I promise you it’s okay.” 我向你保证 没事的”
[50:00] “It’s not okay. If there’s an emergency, “不行 如果出现紧急状况
[50:02] you need to be able to get off as quickly as possible.” 您必须要能以最快速度下飞机”
[50:05] I said, “Hey, 我说:“嘿
[50:07] what do you think’s impeding my exit more?” 你觉得哪一个更可能阻碍我离开?
[50:12] “My bag 我的包
[50:14] or fuckin’ Timon and Pumbaa… 还是我旁边这对该死的
[50:17] …right next to me.” 丁满和彭彭?”
[50:28] “Huh?” “啊?”
[50:30] Even the baby was like… “Ahh!” And I was like, 连那个宝宝都在…我说
[50:34] You’re pissing off this sexy-ass baby, man. 你把这个性感宝宝惹生气了
[50:45] So now… 此时
[50:47] believe it or not, now is when the trouble actually begins. 不管你们信不信 此时麻烦才真正开始
[50:52] I’m on the plane, 我在飞机上
[50:54] I’m pissed off, 我很生气
[50:56] and I’ve got Wi-Fi. 我有无线网络
[51:01] So, like an idiot, 所以像个白痴一样
[51:02] as soon as I get service, I get on Twitter, 我刚连上网 我就登陆了推特
[51:05] and I tweet about what I just went through. 我在上面发布了刚刚发生的事情
[51:07] Basically, all I tweeted was just stating that I thought this was a ridiculous rule 基本上我的推文都是在说 我认为这是一个荒谬的规定
[51:11] for her to threaten to check my bag and add this very inconvenient process 而她居然威胁要拿走我的背包 为我这次快去快回的旅行
[51:15] to my very quick in-and-out trip 徒增一些麻烦的程序
[51:17] when it wasn’t affecting anybody or anything. 而我的包并没有影响到任何人或事
[51:20] That’s all I tweeted. 我就写了这些
[51:22] And, man. 然后 天啊
[51:25] I didn’t know that Twitter is 我不知道推特上
[51:29] all… 全是…
[51:35] …flight attendants, all of them. 空乘人员 全都是
[51:36] Every single one of them. 每个人都是
[51:39] Everybody on Twitter knows every airplane rule, 推特上的每个人 都对飞机规则如数家珍
[51:42] and they give the most amount of fucks about them, apparently. 而且显然 他们都觉得它们很重要
[51:45] Dude, hundreds, on hundreds, 朋友们 几百个 又几百个
[51:48] on hundreds 又几百个
[51:50] of strangers start filling my timeline with the angriest tweets, 陌生人开始 在我的时间线上发布最愤怒的推文
[51:54] furious at my stance on the situation. 对我的立场感到愤怒
[51:56] And the dumb general consensus they would say was shit, like… 他们普遍的共识通常是一些类似:
[51:59] “How hard could it be to just follow the rules?” “遵守规则有多难?”的废话
[52:07] Here’s the thing. 事情是这样的
[52:10] I understand rules. 我明白那些规矩
[52:12] I understand why safety precautions are set 我理解为什么 要设置一些安全预防措施
[52:14] to keep everybody safe. 来保证大家的安全
[52:15] Obviously, I get that. 我当然明白
[52:17] But also, 但同时
[52:18] use your fuckin’ brain, right? 动动脑子 好吧?
[52:21] For example, I understand that the speed limit on most freeways, 例如 我知道 大多数高速公路都有限速
[52:24] and it varies from city to city, 不同的城市有不同的限速
[52:26] but on average, it’s about 65 miles per hour. 但平均下来大约是105公里每小时
[52:29] I totally understand and respect that is the designated, 我完全理解并很尊重这是种指定的
[52:34] suggested speed 建议限速
[52:37] for us citizens to follow 需要我们大家遵守
[52:38] to keep traffic moving at an appropriate pace. I get that. 以保证交通能以适当的速度行进 这我明白
[52:42] But also, 但同时
[52:44] if you for real 但如果你真的
[52:48] drive 65 miles per hour 在高速公路上
[52:52] on the freeway, 保持105公里的时速
[52:55] I will fuckin’ kill you, do you understand? 我他妈会杀了你的 你明白吗?
[53:02] Drive faster, pussy. 开快点 贱人
[53:06] Use your instincts to go, “You know what? I can open this bitch up 用你的直觉:“你知道吗?
[53:10] to 80 like an adult 我可以像个成年人一样
[53:13] and keep this shit moving.” 开到130 保证大家快速通行”
[53:15] Right? You use… 对吧?你用…
[53:17] You use your instincts to navigate rules, right? 你要用你的直觉来驾驭规则
[53:20] That’s how I felt about the plane situation. 我对飞机上那件事就是这样看的
[53:22] I know what the bag rule is, everybody does, 我知道坏规矩是什么 大家都知道
[53:25] but it’s not affecting anybody 但它没有影响到任何人
[53:27] so how about we chill the fuck out about it? 所以我们对这事别那么较真好吗?
[53:30] Nope. 不行
[53:31] Instead, I argue with 700 strangers for eight hours, dude. 我和700个陌生人吵了八个小时
[53:36] Oh, and we’re twerkling back and forth and back and forth. 我们不停地你来我往
[53:39] And– The best part about arguing with people on the Internet 在网上因为某件事跟人吵架
[53:43] about something you’ve personally experienced, 最棒的一点 你们也都体验过
[53:45] is that they weren’t there to witness any of the details of the account, right? 就是他们并不在现场 没亲睹到任何细节 对吧?
[53:50] They only know what you’ve told them and what they wanna assume. 他们只知道你告诉他们的事情 还有他们自己的设定
[53:55] So, very quickly after you start arguing, 所以你们开始争吵后 很快
[53:57] people will just start throwing out their own wild scenarios 人们会开始抛出自己的疯狂情节
[54:00] that have nothing to do with what you’re even talking about 那些情节跟你在说的事情毫无关联
[54:03] just so they seem justified. 只是为了让他们看起来占理而已
[54:05] I just didn’t wanna check my bag, 我只是不希望我的包被收走
[54:07] and people were saying things like, “It’s not about your safety.” 而那些人却在说:“这不是为了你的安全
[54:10] “It’s about the safety of people around you.” 而是关系到你周围的人的安全
[54:12] “What if there’s an emergency crash landing into a mountain, 万一需要紧急迫降撞向山脉怎么办?
[54:15] and during the evacuation…” 在疏散的时候…”
[54:17] “Say it again slower for yourself. Go ahead.” “你慢慢重说一次 说吧
[54:21] “You think we’re gonna survive the crash?” 你觉得撞机了我们还能活吗?
[54:25] “Into the mountain?” 撞向山脉?”
[54:27] And they have an argument for everything. “But what if we do survive?” 他们有句万用的话 “可万一我们活下来了呢?
[54:30] “And because your bag wasn’t all the way under the seat, 结果因为你的包 没有完全塞到座椅下面
[54:33] it ends up in the aisleway and someone trips over it 它就会挡在过道上 在疏散途中绊倒别人
[54:37] and injures themself?” 害他们受伤?”
[54:47] If you… 如果你…
[54:50] can’t… 都没办法…
[54:52] step 跨过
[54:54] the fuck over 我25公分
[54:58] my ten-inch tall 高的
[55:02] JanSport backpack JanSport背包
[55:05] to save your own life, 去逃生
[55:09] natural selection, dawg. 那就是物竞天择 兄弟
[55:23] You gotta fuckin’ die. 你必须死
[55:25] Okay. 好吧
[55:26] You’re not athletic enough to stay alive. 你的运动能力不足以让你活下去
[55:30] Dude, I… I could not believe 朋友们 我无法相信
[55:34] the lengths people will go to 大家会因为这种
[55:36] to argue about shit that has nothing to do with them on the Internet. 跟自己毫无关系的事情 在网上吵到这种程度
[55:40] It’s impressive, man, because it snowballs very quickly. 这很惊人 因为雪球效应来得超快
[55:44] It quickly becomes this mob mentality ’cause what happens online is 这迅速演变成了一种群体心态 因为在互联网上
[55:47] once a large enough group of people 一旦有足够多的人
[55:49] start getting upset with you on the Internet, 开始对你感到不满
[55:51] everybody wants to get their lickin’, 每个人都希望加入攻击
[55:54] ’cause it’s full of people who have negativity towards themself 因为互联网上有很多人 对自己充满了负面情绪
[55:56] that they have to project onto other people. 他们需要将这种情绪投射到他人身上
[55:58] This is their opportunity ’cause that’s your punishment. 这是他们的机会 因为那是对你的惩罚
[56:01] If you ever get in trouble on the Internet, 如果你曾在网上陷入麻烦
[56:03] your punishment is that people can say 你的惩罚就是 大家可以
[56:06] anything they want to you. 随意地骂你
[56:09] Anything, even if it’s way worse 什么都行 哪怕他们说的话
[56:11] than what you said to get in trouble in the first place. 比你之前说的 害你惹上麻烦的话更过分
[56:14] It’s impressive, and ultimately, that stuff never bothers me. 这很惊人 但这些事情最终都不会影响到我
[56:17] Like, l… look. 听着
[56:18] You’re never gonna hurt my feelings. 你们永远伤害不到我的感情
[56:21] Okay, I’ve been dead inside for so long. 好吧 我的心已经死了很久了
[56:24] Like, my… my plane crashed a long time ago, 我的飞机很久以前就坠毁了
[56:27] and I didn’t step over the bag, emotionally speaking. 而在情感上 我没能跨过那个包
[56:29] Ya know what I mean, so– 你们懂我意思 所以
[56:32] You can talk your shit as much as you want. 你们对我说什么屁话都行
[56:33] The thing you have to know about me and what I’ve learned, 关于我 你们必须知道的事
[56:36] through therapy or whatever, is that I’m… 还有我在心理治疗时 了解到的东西是 我…
[56:39] …I’m a very defensive person, apparently. 显然 我是个戒心很重的人
[56:42] I… I have a very quick trigger reaction to feel the need to defend myself 如果我感到有人在攻击我
[56:46] if I feel like somebody is coming at me. 我很快就会做出自卫反应
[56:49] And I… I go for the kill every time. 而且我每次都会大开杀戒
[56:51] So look, you can talk your shit to me online as much as you want, 你们可以在网上随便对我哔哔
[56:54] say whatever mean, hurtful things you wanna say 说那些刻薄伤人的话
[56:56] to try to hurt my feelings, but just know, 试图伤害我的感情 但你们要知道
[57:00] I’m gonna fuck you up verbally, dude. I’m… 我会用语言虐死你们 朋友 我会…
[57:04] My goal is to now make you cry. 我现在的目标是让你哭
[57:07] Like, I’m gonna win this battle every time. 我每次都会赢
[57:09] So when I hit you harder than you hit me first, 所以当我更猛烈地回击你时
[57:13] don’t act like you’re the fuckin’ victim, okay? 别做出一副受害者的样子来 好吗?
[57:16] That’s my biggest pet peeve in the entire Internet, and… 这是我在网上最讨厌的事情 而且…
[57:22] …probably… 可能…
[57:24] probably the best example of that was throughout this Twitter interaction 最好的例子就是这场推特互动
[57:28] when all this backpack shit was going on. 这起背包事件
[57:30] I’m arguing with people, we’re going roast for roast, 我在与人争论 我们互相斥责
[57:33] just really having some fun wastin’ time. 只是为了开心地消磨时间
[57:35] I was having fun with it. 我玩得很开心
[57:37] Then, there was this one woman. Took it too far. 然后有个女人 她做得太过分了
[57:39] She would not shut the fuck up, dude. 她完全不知道闭嘴 朋友们
[57:44] She, by herself, probably tweeted me like 60 to 70 times 她一个人可能给我发了6、70条留言
[57:49] whether I responded or not, and I responded to a lot. 不管我回不回复 而我回复了大部分
[57:52] But not… not all of them obviously. 但显然不是每一条
[57:55] She was one of those people, saw everybody getting their lick 她是那种人 看到其他人都在攻击和批评
[57:58] and she wanted to be a part of that, so she started saying meaner and meaner 她也想掺一脚 于是开始说些越来越刻薄的话
[58:02] and meaner things expecting no consequences, 以为不会有后果
[58:05] and I didn’t really care. 而我根本不在意
[58:07] Until her last tweet. 直到她发了最后一条推文
[58:10] The last tweet, I just couldn’t let slide. The last thing she said to me was, 最后一条推文 我绝对不能放过 她对我说的最后一条是:
[58:14] “I don’t understand why you have to be such an insubordinate , “我不明白你为什么非得这么不听话
[58:19] crybaby, little bitch.” 爱哭鬼 小贱人”
[58:28] Should I just have blocked her? 我应该把她拉黑了事吗?
[58:32] My publicist says yes. 我的公关人员说是的
[58:37] But I was so sick 但我已经受够了
[58:40] of being ganged up on 被人群起而攻
[58:42] 1-v-700. 一对七百
[58:45] She was being very mean. 她太刻薄了
[58:48] She started it. 是她先开始的
[58:52] And… just based off of her profile photo, 而且根据她的头像判断
[58:55] she was a, um… 她是个…
[59:00] …heavier-set woman. 较为敦实的女人
[59:04] All I said… 为了保护自己
[59:07] in defense of myself, 我只是说了
[59:10] was, “Well…” “好吧
[59:14] “…had you not been taking up two seats… 要不是你占了两个座位
[59:20] …there would have been room for me to safely secure my backpack 我就能把背包安全地放在
[59:24] in another chair.” 另一个座位上了”
[59:27] That’s all I said, which… 我只说了这些
[59:29] statistically is not incorrect. 从统计上看 这并没有错
[59:34] But as we all know, 但我们都知道
[59:36] everybody wants to be a victim now, right? 现在每个人都想当受害者 对吧?
[59:39] So how did she, 那她这个
[59:41] the person who started it, react? 先来挑事的人是怎么反应的呢?
[59:47] “How could he say something like that?” “他怎么能说这种话?
[59:50] “He’s body-shaming me.” 他对我进行身体羞辱
[59:52] “Cancel Matt Rife.” 抵制马特·莱夫”
[59:54] “Bitch, you can’t cancel me. I’m not your gym membership.” “贱人 你抵制不了我 我不是你的健身房年卡
[59:57] “Get the fuck off my feed then.” 滚远点吧”
[1:00:05] I didn’t start shit with you. 又不是我先跟你吵的
[1:00:08] I’m a nice person, man. I never wanna hurt anybody’s feelings, 我是个好人 我不想伤害任何人的感情
[1:00:11] but I fuckin’ will. 但我会那样做的
[1:00:15] It had nothing to do with her, man. 这事儿跟她一点关系都没有
[1:00:17] All I wanted to do was complain about my backpack. 我只是想抱怨我的背包而已
[1:00:21] And now I’m this bitch’s 13th reason. 现在我成了 这个贱人要自杀的第13个原因
[1:00:23] Okay. 好吧
[1:00:27] No. No, fuck that. You can count reasons, but not calories. 不 去他妈的 你能数清楚原因 却算不清卡路里
[1:00:30] Get the fuck outta my face, dude. No. Nope. Nope. 给我滚开 不…
[1:00:34] Nope. 不
[1:00:35] Not doing sympathy today, D.C. Not doing it. 今天不搞同情 华盛顿特区 不搞这个
[1:00:39] And before any of y’all sit there even think about taking her side. 在你们这些坐在下面的人 想帮她说话之前
[1:00:43] You go… “Oh, I don’t know, Matt.” 你说:“我不知道 马特
[1:00:46] “That’s awfully personal. I mean…” 这太针对个人了
[1:00:48] “I mean, is it really worth you making fun of her weight 这真的值得你攻击她的体重
[1:00:51] in defense of yourself.” 来维护你自己吗?
[1:00:52] “What if word gets back to her you’re still making fun of her weight, 如果你这些话传到她那儿 让她知道你还在嘲笑她的体重
[1:00:56] and it affects her so severely she does something drastic, 这对她影响太大 以至于做出一些过激的行为
[1:01:00] like, like, like, like… like, hangs herself.” 比如…上吊
[1:01:03] “How would that make you feel?” 那样你会作何感想?”
[1:01:10] How’d she get up there? 她是怎么上去的?
[1:01:17] Yeah. 是啊
[1:01:22] I’d be fuckin’ amazed… 我他妈会很惊讶
[1:01:25] …that they make tow cables that strong. I really would. 他们能制造出这么结实的拖缆 真的
[1:01:29] I really fuckin’ would, dude. 我真的会的 朋友们
[1:01:36] Listen. 听着
[1:01:38] Fuck these people, man. 去他妈的这些人
[1:01:40] Your social media is your art. 你的社交媒体是你的艺术
[1:01:43] You can create and share 你可以创造和分享
[1:01:45] whatever you want to share. 任何你想分享的东西
[1:01:46] And if anybody… 如果有人…
[1:01:48] if anybody has a problem with that, 如果有人有意见
[1:01:51] I say post more of that shit. 要我说 你就继续多发些
[1:01:55] Shove it down their fuckin’ throat, man. 让他们难受去 兄弟
[1:01:57] Do you have any idea how many people don’t like me or my comedy? 你们知道有多少人不喜欢我 或者不喜欢我的喜剧吗?
[1:02:00] – You know what? I post every fuckin’ day… – Love you! 你们知道吗? 我每天都发帖 因为我乐意
[1:02:03] …’cause that’s what feels right to me. 因为这就是我的感觉-
[1:02:06] It’s– 这是…
[1:02:09] It’s what feels right, and I’m just doing what I think is funny, 我想这么做 而我不过是在做我认为有趣的事情
[1:02:12] and all I can hope to come from that 我只是希望它们
[1:02:14] is that it makes other people smile, and it makes them happy. 能让别人微笑 让他们开心
[1:02:17] That’s all I ever want to come from any of this. 这就是我做这一切的唯一目的
[1:02:21] So who cares if absolutely nobody believes in you, man. 所以谁会在乎有没有人相信你啊
[1:02:24] Fuck these people. For 12 years, 去他妈的这些人 12年来
[1:02:27] nobody believed in me, man. 从来没人信过我
[1:02:28] And if I let that affect how I respected my own thoughts and ideas, 如果我让这些事情 影响了我对自己的思想和观点的尊重
[1:02:32] I wouldn’t be doing a Netflix Special at Constitution Hall in my favorite city 我就不会在这个 全美我最爱的城市的宪法大厅
[1:02:36] in the entire country, man. 做Netflix的特辑了
[1:02:54] But what do I know? I only do crowd work, right? 但我又知道什么呢? 我只会和观众互动 对吧?
[1:03:20] Hope everybody enjoyed themselves. 希望大家玩得开心
[1:03:22] Old people, thank you for coming. I know you have to be up soon. 老人家 谢谢你们过来 我知道你们很快就该起床了
[1:03:25] Did you know who I was when you… when you came here? 你们来之前知道我是谁吗?
[1:03:28] – You did? – Yeah. 知道啊?
[1:03:29] They play TikTok on the Hallmark? 贺曼娱乐台还放TikTok呢?
[1:03:31] Shut up. 得了吧
[1:03:34] What is that? 那是什么?
[1:03:37] What’s in here? We got, uh… 这里面是什么?我们有…
[1:03:39] Is this weed edibles? 这是大麻零食吗?
[1:03:41] Fifty milligrams, you murderer. 50毫克 你这个杀人犯
[1:03:43] If you fuck around and take 50 mg on your first edible, 如果你第一次 就吃50毫克含量的大麻零食
[1:03:46] you will change your pronouns, dude. Like, you will… 你的代词就要变了 老兄 你会…
[1:03:49] Black people, thank y’all. 黑人朋友们 谢谢你们
[1:03:53] I think it’s just y’all. 我觉得就只有你们俩
[1:03:54] Ah, two. 两个
[1:03:56] I thought for sure I had a more diverse fan base. 我以为我的粉丝群会更多样化呢
[1:03:59] Not as much. 也没那么多
[1:04:01] Oh. Okay. All right. Let’s not point ’em out. 好吧 别把他们指出来了
[1:04:04] That feels very January 6th of y’all. Let’s chill out. 这简直梦回1月6日的国会暴乱 大家冷静一点
[1:04:08] I know. It’s y’all’s city. I know. 我知道 这是你们的城市 我知道
2023年

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