| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| [00:25] | Last week, I gave a fire safety talk, | |
| [00:29] | And nobody paid any attention. | |
| [00:32] | It’s my own fault for using PowerPoint. | |
| [00:34] | PowerPoint is boring. | |
| [00:36] | People learn in lots of different ways, | |
| [00:39] | but experience is the best teacher. | |
| [00:47] | Today, smoking is going to save lives. | |
| [01:09] | Does anyone smell anything smoky? | |
| [01:12] | Did you bring your jerky in again? | |
| [01:19] | Oh, my God! Oh, my God! | |
| [01:22] | Fire! | |
| [01:23] | Oh, fire! Oh, my goodness. What’s the procedure? | |
| [01:26] | What do we do, people? The phones are dead. | |
| [01:27] | Oh. How did that happen? | |
| [01:29] | It’s out in the hall. | |
| [01:30] | No. We don’t know that. | |
| [01:31] | The smoke could be coming through an air duct. | |
| [01:32] | Oh, my God! Okay, it’s happening. | |
| [01:34] | Everybody stay calm. Everybody stay calm! | |
| [01:35] | What’s the procedure, everyone? | |
| [01:37] | What’s the procedure? Stay… calm! | |
| [01:38] | Everybody just… calm down! | |
| [01:41] | No, no, Michael, no! Touch the handle. | |
| [01:43] | If it’s hot there could be a fire in the hallway! | |
| [01:47] | What does warm mean? Oh, my gosh. Try a different door. | |
| [01:49] | Not a viable option. What next? | |
| [01:51] | – Don’t run! – Try the other door. | |
| [01:53] | Here’s a door. Check that one out. How’s the handle? | |
| [01:56] | It’s warm. JIM: Okay, go to the back door. | |
| [01:58] | Well, another option. Another option. | |
| [02:00] | Jeez! Okay, settle down, everyone! | |
| [02:01] | I forgot my purse! | |
| [02:02] | Leave it, woman! | |
| [02:04] | Get out of the way! Go, go, go, go, go! | |
| [02:05] | Things can be replaced, Phyllis! | |
| [02:06] | People, human lives, however… | |
| [02:12] | My hand! That’s hot! | |
| [02:14] | This one’s hot, too. | |
| [02:15] | Okay, we’re trapped. Everyone for himself! | |
| [02:17] | Let’s go! Let’s go! Get out of my way! | |
| [02:20] | Okay. Okay. Okay! | |
| [02:22] | Get out of the way! | |
| [02:23] | Have you ever seen a burn victim? | |
| [02:25] | Move it! | |
| [02:26] | Okay! Procedure! Procedure! | |
| [02:29] | Exit options! Where do we go, folks? | |
| [02:31] | Use a what to cover the mouth? It’s okay. | |
| [02:33] | A what? A rag, a damp rag perhaps. | |
| [02:37] | Let’s remember those procedures. What are the options? | |
| [02:40] | Okay! That’s the wrong way. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. | |
| [02:42] | We’ve already tried that. Remember your exit points. | |
| [02:45] | Exit points, people. Oscar? | |
| [02:46] | What’s next, huh? Oscar! | |
| [02:47] | Stay alive, I’m getting help! | |
| [02:48] | Pull me up! | |
| [02:50] | You’re too heavy. | |
| [02:51] | I only weigh 82 pounds. | |
| [02:53] | Save Bandit! | |
| [02:58] | How about 911? Anyone? 911? | |
| [03:11] | What do we do? | |
| [03:12] | Use the surge of fear and adrenaline | |
| [03:14] | to sharpen your decision making. | |
| [03:15] | Okay, I am not dying here. Come on. | |
| [03:21] | What is that? | What is that? |
| [03:23] | The fire’s shooting at us! | |
| [03:25] | What in the name of God is going on? | |
| [03:30] | I’m trying to… | |
| [03:42] | Help! Help! | |
| [03:45] | Oh, my God! | |
| [03:51] | Attention! Employees of Dunder Mifflin! | |
| [03:55] | This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. | |
| [03:59] | There’s no fire. It was only a simulation. | |
| [04:01] | What? | |
| [04:02] | Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. | |
| [04:07] | So what have we learned? | |
| [04:09] | Oh, come on. It’s not real, Stanley. | |
| [04:11] | Oh, my God. | |
| [04:12] | Don’t have a heart attack. | |
| [04:13] | No, no, no, no, you will not die! | |
| [04:15] | Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! | |
| [04:18] | Stanley! Barack is President! | |
| [04:20] | You are black, Stanley! I’m gonna give him mouth-to-mouth. | |
| [04:23] | No, no, no. Don’t give him mouth-to-mouth for this. | |
| [04:25] | He just swallowed his tongue. | |
| [04:26] | Michael! Michael! Open your mouth. Don’t swallow it! | |
| [04:30] | I’m fine! Leave me… I’m saving him! | |
| [05:06] | How could you possibly think this is a good idea? | |
| [05:09] | A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time. | |
| [05:11] | Electricity. Shampoo. | |
| [05:13] | You could have burned down the whole building. | |
| [05:15] | I just want to say, for the record, I did not kill anyone. | |
| [05:17] | Stanley was attacked by his own heart. | |
| [05:19] | And he should be released from the hospital | |
| [05:21] | and back in the office in a couple days. | |
| [05:23] | Did you shout “fire,” causing a panic? | |
| [05:26] | Yes, I shouted “fire.” I shouted many things. | |
| [05:29] | I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building. | |
| [05:32] | So you can imagine my frustration, as safety officer, | |
| [05:35] | when nobody would heed of… | |
| [05:37] | Heeded… Heeded of… “Head.” “Head.” | |
| [05:39] | When no one headed… “Take headed of.” | |
| [05:40] | No one would take headed of my instructions. | |
| [05:43] | So you… “Heed.” “Heed.” | |
| [05:45] | “Take heed of.” | “Take heed of.” |
| [05:46] | And I don’t see my co-workers heeding this right now. | |
| [05:52] | Wait, what? | |
| [05:54] | Okay. | |
| [06:07] | The city. | |
| [06:10] | Dwight. | |
| [06:14] | We are not mad, we are just disappointed. | |
| [06:15] | No, we are mad. | |
| [06:17] | Yes, we are. We are livid. | |
| [06:20] | But we are going to let this one slide. | |
| [06:22] | Thank you. No, we’re not. | |
| [06:23] | I am not a mind reader, David. | |
| [06:27] | Look, this is a very serious offense. | |
| [06:30] | We have cause to fire you. | |
| [06:32] | Can you shove down? | |
| [06:34] | Instead… Shove down, please. | |
| [06:37] | Instead what I think we should do is | |
| [06:40] | strip you of your title as safety officer. No. | |
| [06:42] | And we should take a part of his pay | |
| [06:45] | and donate it to the charity of your choice. | |
| [06:47] | Something that Dwight doesn’t like. | |
| [06:49] | PETA. | |
| [06:50] | Michael, you have to take responsibility here. | |
| [06:53] | One of your employees had a heart attack. | |
| [06:55] | He could have died because of the way | |
| [06:57] | you’re allowing your office to run. | |
| [06:58] | Do you want that on your conscience? | |
| [07:00] | Do you? | |
| [07:02] | Michael? Are you talking to me? | |
| [07:03] | Yeah. | |
| [07:05] | What? | |
| [07:08] | Well, I guess we papered over that pretty nicely. | |
| [07:13] | Always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change | |
| [07:15] | with a 20-minute meeting in some fancy high rise. | |
| [07:19] | What’s the matter? Are you hungry? | |
| [07:23] | No, Dwight, I am worried. | |
| [07:26] | A mars life is in my hands. | |
| [07:27] | Now don’t you worry about that. | |
| [07:29] | I got it covered. Okay? | |
| [07:31] | I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping. | |
| [07:34] | That’s not going to happen. | |
| [07:36] | I’m taking over as safety man. | |
| [07:38] | What? You? Yes. | |
| [07:40] | Come on. I’m a smart guy. | |
| [07:41] | That’s preposterous. I’ll figure it out. No. I will. | |
| [07:46] | Nobody should have to go to work thinking, | |
| [07:49] | “Oh, this is the place that I might die today.” | |
| [07:52] | That’s what a hospital’s for. | |
| [07:55] | An office is for not dying. | |
| [07:59] | An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. To… | |
| [08:09] | An office is a place where dreams come true. | |
| [08:14] | Don’t excite him. Don’t make him excitable. | |
| [08:21] | Welcome back, Stanley. | |
| [08:22] | Thank you, Michael. | |
| [08:24] | It’s true, around this office in the past | |
| [08:27] | I have been a little abrupt with people. | |
| [08:29] | Not maybe, yes or no. | |
| [08:31] | No way. Uh-uh. | |
| [08:32] | Are you from another planet? | |
| [08:33] | Boy, have you lost your mind? | |
| [08:34] | Because I’ll help you find it! | |
| [08:36] | Did I stutter? | |
| [08:37] | I’m done. Goodbye. | |
| [08:40] | But the doctor said if I can’t find a new way | |
| [08:43] | to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die. | |
| [08:47] | Andy. | |
| [08:48] | A throne for your highness. | |
| [08:51] | I’m not sitting in a wheelchair. | |
| [08:53] | No, no, no. No debate. | |
| [08:54] | You are going to sit in that wheelchair | |
| [08:56] | until you are back on your feet. | |
| [08:59] | I’m going to die. | |
| [09:02] | ABC, okay? | |
| [09:03] | And that stands for “Airway, Breathing and Circulation.” | |
| [09:07] | Okay. You know what? That could be a little confusing, | |
| [09:09] | because in sales ABC means “Always Be Closing.” | |
| [09:11] | This is a farce. I should be teaching this course. | |
| [09:14] | Shut it. Shut it. | |
| [09:15] | We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things | |
| [09:19] | when Stanley had his… | |
| [09:20] | When his heart went berserk. | |
| [09:22] | And I knew exactly what to do. | |
| [09:24] | But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do. | |
| [09:28] | So I thought we should have a CPR training class. | |
| [09:31] | And of course you can’t get the practice dummy | |
| [09:35] | unless the instructor comes along with it. | |
| [09:37] | Red Cross and their racket. | |
| [09:42] | I can’t keep doing this forever. | |
| [09:44] | It’s been 20 seconds. | |
| [09:47] | Call it. | |
| [09:49] | Would you like to try next? | |
| [09:51] | Absolutely I would not. | |
| [09:53] | You know who I really think should go? | |
| [09:55] | Stanley. | |
| [09:57] | Oh, I don’t know. | |
| [09:58] | It’s not a good idea, Michael. He needs to rest. | |
| [10:01] | No rest for the sick. | |
| [10:05] | We are not always going to be there | |
| [10:09] | to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. | |
| [10:14] | What are you going to do if you’re by yourself and your heart stops? | |
| [10:16] | I would die. | |
| [10:18] | And you’re okay with that? | |
| [10:19] | I’m okay with the logic of it. | |
| [10:21] | Uh-uh. No, no, no. Come on. Get up. Let’s do this. | |
| [10:24] | Yes, I had a heart attack. | |
| [10:26] | I would quit, but I’m too old to find another job. | |
| [10:29] | And I don’t have enough saved to retire. | |
| [10:31] | I feel like I’m working in my own casket. | |
| [10:35] | Come on, Stanley! You’re losing you! | |
| [10:37] | You’re losing you! Do it! | |
| [10:39] | Michael. MICHAEL: This is you we’re talking about. | |
| [10:41] | Michael. | |
| [10:42] | Okay, okay, I’ll show them. Here we go. | |
| [10:46] | All right. – So assessing the situation. | |
| [10:48] | Are they breathing? | |
| [10:50] | No, Rose. They are not breathing. | |
| [10:53] | And they have no arms or legs. | |
| [10:56] | No, that’s not part of it. | |
| [10:57] | Where are they? | |
| [10:58] | You know what? If we come across somebody | |
| [11:00] | with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? | |
| [11:05] | I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there? | |
| [11:07] | I would want to live with no legs. | |
| [11:09] | How about no arms? | |
| [11:11] | No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. | |
| [11:13] | You don’t do anything. | |
| [11:15] | All right. Well, let’s get back to it, because you’re losing him. | |
| [11:18] | Okay, too fast. | |
| [11:20] | Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of 100 beats per minute. | |
| [11:22] | Okay. That’s hard to keep track. How many is that per hour? | |
| [11:26] | How is that going to help you? | |
| [11:27] | I will divide and then count to it. Right. | |
| [11:30] | Okay, well, a good trick | |
| [11:31] | is to pump to the tune of Staying Alive by the Bee Gees. | |
| [11:34] | Do you know that song? | |
| [11:35] | Yes, yes. I do. I love that song. | |
| [11:37] | First I was afraid, I was petrified | |
| [11:40] | No, it’s… | |
| [11:43] | Stayir alive, | stayir alive |
| [11:45] | Okay. That’s enough. You were in the parking lot earlier. | |
| [11:47] | That’s how I know you. | |
| [11:53] | Stayir alive, | stayir alive |
| [11:57] | Stayir alive, stayir alive | Stayir alive, stayir alive |
| [12:00] | Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk | |
| [12:03] | I’m a womars man, no time to talk | |
| [12:05] | Music loud, women warm Been kicked around since I was born | |
| [12:09] | Well, it’s all right It’s okay | |
| [12:11] | You can look the other way | |
| [12:14] | Okay! Okay! | |
| [12:20] | Stayir alive, | stayir alive |
| [12:22] | Yeah. Okay, you didn’t maintain a hundred beats per minute. | |
| [12:25] | And the ambulance didn’t arrive because nobody called 911. | |
| [12:28] | So you lost him. | |
| [12:29] | Okay, he’s dead. Anyone know what we do next? | |
| [12:32] | Anybody? Rose? | |
| [12:34] | I have no idea. Anyone else? | |
| [12:35] | We bury him. Wrong! Check for an organ donor card. | |
| [12:38] | If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest. | |
| [12:40] | He has no wallet, I checked. | |
| [12:41] | He is an organ donor. He is? | |
| [12:43] | Get me some ice and Styrofoam bucket. | |
| [12:45] | Here we go. | |
| [12:47] | – Oh, my God! – Dwight! | |
| [12:48] | Dwight! | |
| [12:50] | Dwight, what are you… | |
| [12:51] | What are you doing? | |
| [12:52] | We search for the organs. Where’s the heart? The precious heart. | |
| [12:55] | I’m not feeling well. I need to sit down. | |
| [12:57] | Stanley. | |
| [12:59] | Hey, Stanley. Stanley. | |
| [13:01] | Are you okay? | |
| [13:02] | Oh, my God! | |
| [13:04] | Oh, my God! | |
| [13:05] | Dwight! Clarice. | |
| [13:07] | Oh, my God. | |
| [13:09] | Can you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy? | |
| [13:13] | I didn’t think it was very realistic in the movie, | |
| [13:15] | and it turns out it’s pretty realistic. | |
| [13:17] | We had to pay for it. It cost us $3,500. | |
| [13:20] | $5,300 for a dummy? Wow. | |
| [13:23] | Well, okay, look. | |
| [13:25] | David, this is why we have training. | |
| [13:29] | We start with the dummy and we learn from our mistakes. | |
| [13:32] | And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person. | |
| [13:43] | Hope you brought your apetitos, my lady, my Tuna. | |
| [13:48] | A little movie popcorn. | |
| [13:53] | Damn it. | |
| [13:55] | This movie, a lot of buzz. | |
| [13:57] | Not coming out for another six months. | |
| [13:59] | Mrs. Albert Hanaday. | |
| [14:02] | So the friendship with the Nard-Dog has its privileges. | |
| [14:07] | We don’t normally download films illegally | |
| [14:09] | because we’re honest, hard-working people. | |
| [14:11] | And we don’t know how. | |
| [14:13] | But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him. | |
| [14:15] | Punishment fits the crime. | |
| [14:18] | I want you to meet my nana. Nana, this is Sam. | |
| [14:25] | Hi. Nice to meet you, Mrs. Hanaday. | |
| [14:28] | Please, call me Lily. | |
| [14:38] | Let’s play bridge. You can be my partner. | |
| [14:43] | All right, Lily. | |
| [14:58] | What’s going on? | |
| [14:59] | No one really knows, but Pam’s parents are going through | |
| [15:02] | a little bit of a rough patch in their marriage. | |
| [15:04] | My dad spent the night at our place last night. | |
| [15:07] | My parents have been fighting for weeks and it kind of sucks. | |
| [15:10] | Jim’s been great. | |
| [15:13] | But I’m going to need to buy my dad a robe. | |
| [15:16] | He’s not saying what he needs to say. | |
| [15:18] | Hmm? | |
| [15:20] | Who? Jack Black? | |
| [15:22] | Yeah. | |
| [15:25] | I mean, they just need to communicate, you know. | |
| [15:27] | If they said to each other what they’re saying to everyone else, then… | |
| [15:34] | Hmm. | |
| [15:35] | Jim and Pam are like movie geniuses. | |
| [15:41] | They’re catching things that are totally going over my head. | |
| [15:45] | Hi, everyone. | |
| [15:47] | Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. | |
| [15:50] | They are very, very upset with him. | |
| [15:53] | So, as a disciplinary measure, | |
| [15:56] | he is going to have to issue a formal apology. | |
| [16:00] | Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret? | |
| [16:05] | I have. Let’s hear it. | |
| [16:11] | I state my regret. | |
| [16:15] | You couldn’t have memorized that? | |
| [16:16] | I could not because I do not feel it. | |
| [16:18] | Okay, everyone, I’m going to need you | |
| [16:19] | to sign this statement of regret | |
| [16:21] | as an acknowledgment that you heard it. | |
| [16:23] | Okay? Everyone come on up here. It’s not a big deal. | |
| [16:26] | It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley. | |
| [16:28] | Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years | |
| [16:31] | and forced him not to exercise. | |
| [16:33] | Now take a lesson from Stanley | |
| [16:34] | and jog on up here and sign this. Okay? | |
| [16:37] | Make a line. Just form a line right here. | |
| [16:41] | Sign it! Sign it now! | |
| [16:48] | Hi, Dad. | |
| [16:50] | Yeah, Jim has shaving cream. | |
| [16:52] | Check our bathroom. | |
| [16:54] | Lily? | |
| [16:56] | I’m in here. | |
| [17:03] | I… I’m sorry. I didn’t | |
| [17:08] | realize you were in the bath. | |
| [17:13] | Do you want me to go? | |
| [17:17] | I want you to stay. | |
| [17:28] | Oh, boy. | |
| [17:30] | Oh, man. | |
| [17:32] | You know, Lily was supposed to be Nicole Kidman. | |
| [17:36] | And it was going to be Sophie’s mom, not grandmother. | |
| [17:39] | But then Nicole Kidman dropped out, | |
| [17:40] | so they went with Cloris Leachman, | |
| [17:43] | with a small rewrite. – Just give me your hand | |
| [17:45] | and get that in there. | |
| [17:46] | Help me pull it around. | |
| [17:48] | Oh, yeah. You did that one already. | |
| [17:50] | I know, but if I get it deeper… | |
| [17:52] | What is… | |
| [17:59] | He was pretty talkative at breakfast. | |
| [18:02] | What? | |
| [18:06] | Breakfast? | |
| [18:08] | You mean when they were eating soup? | |
| [18:10] | I don’t think that was breakfast. | |
| [18:13] | Unless soup… Does soup symbolize breakfast? | |
| [18:16] | So he doesn’t share with his daughter, | |
| [18:17] | but he shares with his daughter’s fiance? | |
| [18:20] | You guys, they’re making out. | |
| [18:25] | Hey. | Hey. |
| [18:27] | Did my dad say anything about my mom? | |
| [18:29] | No. We mostly just talked about cereal. | |
| [18:35] | What? | |
| [18:36] | I don’t know. | |
| [18:38] | I mean, maybe he’ll talk to you about some of the stuff | |
| [18:41] | ’cause he can’t really talk to me about it. | |
| [18:43] | Mmm… You’re good to talk to. | |
| [18:47] | I’m okay. I’m not great. And… | |
| [19:00] | Everybody sit on the floor, Indian-style like me. | |
| [19:04] | My God, if you’re wearing a dress, | |
| [19:06] | please keep your knees together, nobody wants to see that. | |
| [19:11] | My goal is to make this office as peaceful | |
| [19:14] | a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. | |
| [19:17] | And I think sounds have a lot to do with that. | |
| [19:21] | Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. | |
| [19:30] | That one makes me think | |
| [19:33] | of death. | |
| [19:38] | It’s kind of nice. | |
| [19:39] | It is a beautiful, sunny day | |
| [19:44] | as we walk through the meadow. | |
| [19:48] | That is very spiritual and relaxing. | |
| [19:53] | And there are flowers and it is sunny and beautiful. | |
| [19:57] | Now, up ahead, a castle in the distance. | |
| [20:01] | Don’t open your eyes. What? Oh. | |
| [20:03] | And you walk up toward the castle. | |
| [20:07] | And inside the castle are four men, | |
| [20:14] | and each of them… | |
| [20:15] | None of them have shoes. | |
| [20:17] | And they give you a funny cigarette | |
| [20:19] | and you feel even more relaxed, | |
| [20:22] | and then you want ice cream. | |
| [20:25] | You want a big bowl of ice cream. | |
| [20:27] | So what kind of ice cream do you want? Yell it out. | |
| [20:28] | Chunky Monkey. | |
| [20:30] | Too expensive. Chocolate. | |
| [20:31] | Racism is dead, Stanley. | |
| [20:33] | You can have any kind of ice cream you want. | |
| [20:35] | What do you want? | |
| [20:37] | What is that? People, please, | |
| [20:39] | I told you to get rid of the cell phones. | |
| [20:41] | It’s my bio-feedback machine. | |
| [20:43] | Oh, okay. What is that, like a video game? | |
| [20:46] | It alerts me when my stress level goes up, so I can try to calm down. | |
| [20:51] | You have stress? | |
| [20:52] | Yes. | |
| [20:54] | During our relaxation exercise? | |
| [20:56] | Let me get you some water. | |
| [20:57] | No, no, I’ll help you up. I’ll help you up. | |
| [20:59] | Here we go. Here we go. Let me get you up. | |
| [21:00] | No, Michael. Would you step back? | |
| [21:02] | Please, please. Okay. All right. | |
| [21:03] | A little further. – Okay. | |
| [21:07] | That’s better. | |
| [21:18] | Okay. | |
| [21:20] | I think that thing is on the fritz. | |
| [21:24] | Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? | |
| [21:27] | That’s what he said. Right, guys? Because of gay. | |
| [21:33] | Let’s give this a shot. | |
| [21:36] | Hello! | |
| [21:41] | Michael, I think you’re what’s stressing everybody out. | |
| [21:46] | So it wasrt Dwight after all. | |
| [21:49] | Looks like I’m the killer. | |
| [21:51] | You never expect that you’re the killer. | |
| [21:53] | It’s a great twist. Great twist. | |
| [22:03] | Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. | |
| [22:06] | Oh. Hey, Mom. No. | |
| [22:12] | What did Dad say? | |
| [22:16] | What did you say to my dad? | |
| [22:18] | What? | |
| [22:19] | After you talked, he called my mom | |
| [22:20] | and said he was gonna look for an apartment. | |
| [22:22] | Oh, my God. Pam, I don’t know. I… | |
| [22:26] | Nothing, truly nothing. | |
| [22:27] | I mean, I just was honest with him and I… | |
| [22:31] | I’m so sorry. I don’t know. I’ll call him again. | |
| [22:39] | 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, | |
| [22:42] | so it was her parents or my parents. | |
| [22:49] | What could Jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom? | |
| [22:53] | And at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me? | |
| [23:02] | I don’t get it. | |
| [23:04] | Do I stress you out? | |
| [23:06] | Nothing stresses me out. | |
| [23:08] | Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors. | |
| [23:12] | Speaking of which… | |
| [23:19] | Remember when people used to say “boss” | |
| [23:22] | when they were describing something that was really cool? | |
| [23:25] | Like, “Those shoulder pads are really boss, man.” | |
| [23:31] | “Look at that perm. That perm is so boss.” | |
| [23:35] | It’s what made me want to become a boss. | |
| [23:39] | And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. | |
| [23:42] | But now boss is just slang for “jerk in charge.” | |
| [23:49] | Okay, everybody, I figured it out. | |
| [23:52] | The reason that you are all so stressed around me | |
| [23:56] | is that you are too intimidated | |
| [23:58] | to tell me what you really think. | |
| [24:01] | You are keeping these feelings inside and that is causing stress. | |
| [24:05] | So, what is the solution? | |
| [24:06] | Solution is honesty, laughter and comedy. | |
| [24:11] | In short… A vacation. | |
| [24:13] | What? No. No. I’m talking about a roast of Michael Scott. | |
| [24:20] | Come on. Who here has the Comedy Central Roast Channel? | |
| [24:23] | You’ve seen it, right? | |
| [24:24] | Everybody gets together and you start hurling insults at the one guy, | |
| [24:28] | and everybody’s laughing and everybody is hugging each other. | |
| [24:32] | Michael, are you serious? Do you really want us to roast you? | |
| [24:36] | That’s offensive. It’s not! | |
| [24:37] | It’s not offensive during a roast. Anything goes. | |
| [24:41] | And I want you guys to really get cracking on this. | |
| [24:43] | I want you to take me down. Don’t hold back. | |
| [24:46] | I want you to really make fun of anything about me. | |
| [24:49] | It could be my race, could be the fact that I’m so fit, | |
| [24:53] | or I’m a womanizer, fair game. Whatever. | |
| [24:56] | I don’t want to write your stuff for you, | |
| [24:58] | but I just want it to be good. | |
| [25:00] | Oh, my God. Oh, man. Oh, my God. | |
| [25:05] | I consider myself a good person, | |
| [25:08] | but I’m gonna try to make him cry. | |
| [25:12] | I can already feel people’s stress starting to melt. | |
| [25:15] | I think they’re very excited about paying their respects this way. | |
| [25:19] | I’ve got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this. | |
| [25:28] | May I have your attention, please? Sign in. | |
| [25:30] | Sign in on the sign-in sheet, the clipboard. | |
| [25:33] | This meeting is mandatory, | |
| [25:34] | if you do not sign in, your name will not be counted. | |
| [25:37] | Thank you. | |
| [25:39] | Hey, this is your apology letter. | |
| [25:42] | It was the last signature I needed. | |
| [25:47] | Welcome, welcome, | welcome, welcome, welcome! |
| [25:49] | You are all jerks. | |
| [25:52] | Just kidding. Not yet, anyway. | |
| [25:55] | Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. | |
| [25:58] | If you are here for the Grabowski wedding, | |
| [26:00] | it is the second door on the left. | |
| [26:03] | So, we all know how these work. | |
| [26:05] | It needs to get crazy. Take your best shot. | |
| [26:08] | I’m going to sit right over chair. | |
| [26:10] | And whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. Okay. | |
| [26:18] | Lower the mike for the midget. | |
| [26:22] | If you ever wondered whether you were Michael Scott, | |
| [26:25] | here’s a quiz to help. | |
| [26:27] | If you ever put sun block on a window, you might be Michael Scott. | |
| [26:34] | I normally don’t enjoy making people laugh. | |
| [26:38] | If you ever called the fire department | |
| [26:40] | because your head was stuck in your chair, you might be… | |
| [26:43] | Michael Scott. | |
| [26:48] | Hey, hey. | |
| [26:50] | I don’t go make burgers where you work | |
| [26:53] | and then tell you how to make burgers. | |
| [26:56] | I have made a list of people that I would make out with | |
| [26:59] | before I would make out with Michael Scott. | |
| [27:01] | A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse. | |
| [27:05] | Yeah! | |
| [27:06] | A wood chipper, Kevin, a candle and Lord Voldemort. | |
| [27:12] | Anyway, happy birthday, Michael. | |
| [27:13] | Yeah. | |
| [27:14] | You’d be so lucky. Good one. | |
| [27:17] | Michael, you ran over me with your car. | |
| [27:24] | You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board | |
| [27:28] | with a caption that said, “Gross.” | |
| [27:30] | Well… | |
| [27:31] | Michael, you are the reason I drink. | |
| [27:34] | You are the reason I live to forget. | |
| [27:46] | No, no, friends only. Friends only! | |
| [27:52] | Several times a day, Michael says words | |
| [27:55] | that are way beyond my vocabulary. | |
| [27:57] | I know where this is going. | |
| [27:58] | Do you? No. | |
| [27:59] | Okay. Remember spider face? | |
| [28:01] | No. | |
| [28:02] | Okay, because the quote was, | |
| [28:04] | “Cut off your nose to spider face.” | |
| [28:06] | Spider… Okay. | |
| [28:08] | Yeah, yeah. | |
| [28:11] | How dare you all attack him like this? | |
| [28:12] | No, stop it. | |
| [28:13] | Michael is your superior, okay? Dwight. No, no, no, no. | |
| [28:15] | You should be bowing down in front of him. | |
| [28:17] | Hey, hey. Right now. Okay? | |
| [28:18] | They don’t understand who they have. That is the way | |
| [28:20] | you’re supposed to do it, idiot. You’re interrupting me. | |
| [28:22] | I’m trying to get your back. I’m trying to… Idiot, idiot. | |
| [28:23] | Idiot. Are you calling me an idiot? | |
| [28:25] | Don’t you ever talk to me that way, | |
| [28:27] | you pathetic short little man. | |
| [28:29] | You don’t have any friends or any family or any land! | |
| [28:35] | Yeah! – Yeah! | |
| [28:38] | Well, I just want to take a minute to talk to you all | |
| [28:40] | about something very serious. | |
| [28:41] | Once every hour, someone is involved in an Internet scam. | |
| [28:46] | That man is Michael Scott. | |
| [28:49] | He’s supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses. | |
| [28:51] | Hey, you know what? Forgive me for caring, right? | |
| [28:56] | Well, you know, Michael is a great delegator. | |
| [28:59] | He never does any work himself, ever. | |
| [29:03] | And one time I walked in on him naked and his thing is so small. | |
| [29:09] | How small is it? | |
| [29:11] | If it were an iPod, it would be a shuffle. | |
| [29:15] | All right, can I make just a little announcement? | |
| [29:17] | In a professional roast, usually the roaster | |
| [29:20] | will say something nice about the roastee after they’re done. | |
| [29:23] | Something about how much they love them, so just keep that in mind. | |
| [29:28] | Mike claims we’re all a family. | |
| [29:30] | You know what… We are. We are a family. | |
| [29:31] | Okay, so, what’s his name? | |
| [29:35] | All the way in the back there. | |
| [29:36] | Oh, very funny. | |
| [29:38] | What’s his name? | |
| [29:39] | Uh… | |
| [29:41] | I’m thinking Roy. | |
| [29:43] | Roy left years ago. What’s his name? | |
| [29:46] | I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure. | |
| [29:48] | Michael, I gave you a ride home last week | |
| [29:50] | and we spent an hour in traffic. | |
| [29:52] | What’s his name? Jefferson. | |
| [29:54] | Nope. His name is Michael. | |
| [30:07] | What I hate about you | |
| [30:10] | You really suck as a boss | |
| [30:14] | You’re the laziest, jerkiest And you’re dumber than an apple sauce | |
| [30:20] | We’re stuck listening to you all day | |
| [30:23] | Stanley tried to die just to get away | |
| [30:25] | Well, it’s true | |
| [30:27] | That’s what I hate about you | |
| [30:30] | That’s what I hate about you | |
| [30:42] | Yeah! | |
| [30:46] | And now a man who deserves no introduction, Michael Scott. | |
| [30:55] | Thank you very much. Thank you. That was great. | |
| [30:59] | Great job, some great laughs. | |
| [31:02] | Really, really went after my intelligence there. | |
| [31:08] | Dozens of online IQ tests might prove you wrong, but… | |
| [31:13] | And my thing isn’t tiny, it’s average, so get your facts straight. | |
| [31:23] | So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought… | |
| [31:29] | Sorry. I think I have a frog in my throat. | |
| [31:32] | Um… | |
| [31:37] | I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people. | |
| [31:42] | Um… | |
| [31:46] | First up, Phyllis and Kevin. | |
| [31:50] | Um… | |
| [32:17] | Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. | |
| [32:20] | I’m sorry, Michael’s not here right now. | |
| [32:22] | Can I take a message? | |
| [32:25] | Great. I will. Thanks. | |
| [32:31] | It’s very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. | |
| [32:34] | My guess, he’s either deeply depressed | |
| [32:36] | or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. | |
| [32:41] | He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them | |
| [32:44] | and staring up at them. | |
| [32:45] | And I always say, “Michael, take two steps back | |
| [32:47] | “and stare at the icicle from the side.” | |
| [32:49] | And he’s like, “No, I like the way they look | |
| [32:51] | “from standing directly underneath them.” | |
| [32:54] | It was only a matter of time. | |
| [32:57] | Michael is so dumb | |
| [32:59] | that he tries to put his M&M’s in alphabetical order. | |
| [33:04] | All right, Kevin, enough with the Michael jokes. | |
| [33:07] | I think he got it bad enough yesterday. | |
| [33:09] | I’m almost done. | |
| [33:10] | That reeks and I’m trying to eat. | |
| [33:12] | Attention, everyone, I’ve just got a text from Michael. | |
| [33:15] | He says “personnel day.” Are we hiring? | |
| [33:17] | Yeah. You’re being replaced. | |
| [33:19] | I think he meant personal day. | |
| [33:21] | I don’t know. That’s quite a leap, Pam. | |
| [33:22] | I hope he’s okay. I feel bad. | |
| [33:24] | Give it up. He’s dead. | |
| [33:26] | He just sent a text. | |
| [33:28] | What’s a text? | |
| [33:50] | You know, sometimes to get perspective, | |
| [33:54] | I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away, | |
| [33:59] | and our problems don’t matter to him | |
| [34:01] | because we’re just a distant point of light. | |
| [34:06] | But he feels sorry for me | |
| [34:08] | because he has an incredibly powerful microscope | |
| [34:11] | and he can see my face. | |
| [34:16] | I’m okay. | |
| [34:20] | No, I’m not. | |
| [34:22] | Phyllis, there’s a package for you. | |
| [34:24] | Oh. | |
| [34:27] | Sign here. Okay. | |
| [34:32] | What? | |
| [34:39] | Got it! | |
| [34:44] | Sam, Sam, Sam. | |
| [34:47] | It’s not that you dumped my granddaughter, | |
| [34:50] | and it’s not that you want children, it’s that you lied to me. | |
| [34:54] | Can’t you see that? Can’t you see? | |
| [34:58] | I can never trust you. | |
| [35:00] | Lily, no. Lily. Lily, please. | |
| [35:05] | Lily, stop! | |
| [35:08] | I don’t care how much time we have left. | |
| [35:12] | I don’t care what my friends say. | |
| [35:15] | And I don’t care what your mom thinks. | |
| [35:17] | Frankly, I’m pretty sure she’s not making any sense. | |
| [35:22] | Please, move back to my apartment. | |
| [35:33] | Lily, I’m not giving up. I’m not giving up. | |
| [35:41] | Lily, Lily! Push the reverse button! | |
| [35:47] | Reverse the button! | |
| [35:57] | Sam. Sam. | |
| [36:07] | Hey, Dad. No, I know. Mom told me. | |
| [36:15] | Okay. Yeah, I’ll see you then. | |
| [36:40] | So what did he say? Was it my fault? | |
| [36:46] | Yeah. | |
| [36:50] | He said that you told him how much you love me, | |
| [36:54] | about how you feel when I walk in a room | |
| [36:57] | and about how you’ve never doubted for a second | |
| [37:01] | that I’m the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. | |
| [37:06] | I guess he’s never felt that with my mom, even at their best. | |
| [37:11] | You okay? | |
| [37:13] | Yeah. | |
| [37:17] | When you’re a kid, you assume your parents are soul mates. | |
| [37:20] | My kids are gonna be right about that. | |
| [37:24] | I guess it also means | |
| [37:25] | that sometimes love affairs look different to the people inside them. | |
| [37:33] | I’m not insightful enough to be a movie critic. | |
| [37:37] | Maybe I could be a food critic. | |
| [37:39] | These muffins taste bad. | |
| [37:42] | Or an art critic. That painting is bad. | |
| [37:49] | Michael, it’s really good to see you. | |
| [37:53] | Hey, why are you wearing a turtleneck? | |
| [37:56] | You all right? | |
| [37:57] | Michael, I feel I was a little harsh yesterday. | |
| [37:59] | Yeah. JIM: Yeah, we’re really sorry. | |
| [38:01] | I spent the afternoon in the park trying to feed the pigeons. | |
| [38:06] | I guess they all flew west for the winter. | |
| [38:09] | And I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people. | |
| [38:14] | What? Well, I wrote them down | |
| [38:15] | so I wouldn’t forget. | |
| [38:19] | Jim, you’re 6’11” and you weigh 90 pounds. | |
| [38:23] | Gumby has a better body than you. | |
| [38:25] | Boom. Roasted. | |
| [38:27] | Dwight, you’re a kiss-ass. Boom. Roasted. | |
| [38:29] | Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. | |
| [38:32] | Meredith, you’ve slept with so many guys | |
| [38:34] | you’re starting to look like one. | |
| [38:36] | Boom. Roasted. | |
| [38:37] | Kevin, I can’t decide between a fat joke | |
| [38:39] | and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. | |
| [38:40] | Creed, your teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. | |
| [38:43] | Angela, where’s Angela? | |
| [38:45] | Well, there you are. | |
| [38:47] | I didn’t see you behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. | |
| [38:50] | Stanley, you crush your wife during sex | |
| [38:53] | and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted. | |
| [38:56] | Oscar, you are… | |
| [39:01] | Oscar, you’re gay. | |
| [39:04] | Wow. | |
| [39:05] | Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck and you’re gayer than Oscar. | |
| [39:11] | Boom. Roasted. | |
| [39:12] | Boom. Roasted. | |
| [39:22] | All right. All right, everybody. You know I kid. | |
| [39:27] | You know I kid. | |
| [39:29] | You guys are the reason that I went into the paper business. | |
| [39:33] | So, good night, God bless. God bless America. | |
| [39:37] | And get home safe. | |
| [39:39] | Yeah. | |
| [39:43] | They say that laughter is the best medicine, | |
| [39:45] | so, Stanley, you can throw away those pills. | |
| [39:48] | You are cured. | |
| [39:51] | Actually, better hold on to the pills, just in case. |