| 时间 | 英文 | 中文 |
|---|---|---|
| [00:01] | Phew! Wow. It is raining cats and dogs out there. | |
| [00:05] | Holy moly | |
| [00:07] | Phyllis says the same 12 clichés every time it rains. | |
| [00:10] | So, I promised everyone that if she says them all by noon today, | |
| [00:14] | I will send out for hot chocolates | |
| [00:17] | So how was the drive in? | |
| [00:18] | Nobody knows how to drive in the rain. | |
| [00:20] | You don’t say? Yeah. | |
| [00:22] | You know the roads are actually the slickest in the first half hour? | |
| [00:26] | I think it’s the oil, it comes to the surface. – I agree | |
| [00:30] | Ooh! The plants are gonna love this. Yeah | |
| [00:39] | I actually sleep better when it’s raining | |
| [00:42] | Tell me about it | |
| [00:43] | Time’s almost up. How many are left? Just one. | |
| [00:46] | “This weather makes me want to stay at home, curled up with a good book.’ | |
| [00:51] | Phyllis, this rain, does it make you want to be doing something? | |
| [00:55] | What do you mean? | |
| [00:56] | You know, like, aren’t some things just so nice and cozy in the rain? | |
| [01:00] | Hey, come on Lots of things are cozy in the rain. | |
| [01:04] | And that’s noon Exactly! | |
| [01:07] | Sorry about that everybody. | |
| [01:10] | Hey, Phyllis would you like a hot chocolate? | |
| [01:13] | Ooh, I’d love one | |
| [01:14] | I’m going out to get two hot chocolates | |
| [01:20] | the rain would make me want to stay at home, | |
| [01:23] | curled up with a good book | |
| [01:24] | but everybody’s being so nice to me today. | |
| [01:27] | I’m really happy being here | |
| [01:53] | My girlfriend’s back and there’s going to be trouble | |
| [01:57] | Hey, la, hey, la, his girlfriend’s back | |
| [01:58] | Hey, la, hey, la, my girlfriend’s back | |
| [02:02] | A month ago, I walked out of this office | |
| [02:04] | positive I was never coming back | |
| [02:07] | I probably shouldn’t have emailed everyone | |
| [02:08] | telling them exactly what I thought of them | |
| [02:11] | Hey, Erin, thank you for the nice email. | |
| [02:13] | Yeah. I don’t get emotional a lot but that was… | |
| [02:18] | I’m just glad to know I had an impact | |
| [02:22] | In other news Erin and Andy are back together | |
| [02:27] | Crazy story Yes | |
| [02:29] | down to Florida, she was not expecting it | |
| [02:32] | totally swept her off her feet. Right? Yeah. | |
| [02:34] | How long was the drive? | |
| [02:35] | It’s like a day and a half each way. | |
| [02:37] | But when I got there, I went right up to the house, and I was like | |
| [02:40] | Day and a half? My lumbar would be killing me. | |
| [02:43] | You should get this lumbar support cushion thing my dad has | |
| [02:47] | What’s it called? Um | |
| [02:49] | Not Easy-Rest | |
| [02:51] | That gas must’ve cost a pretty penny, huh? | |
| [02:53] | Well he’s got a Prius | |
| [02:54] | How many times you fill the tank? Three, four? | |
| [02:56] | What does gas cost down there? | |
| [02:58] | Lumbar Buddy | Lumbar Buddy |
| [03:00] | Oh, yeah Lumbar Buddy. | |
| [03:01] | Tell you what, I’ll email you the story | |
| [03:03] | It’s a real tearjerker, though | |
| [03:05] | So read with caution | |
| [03:07] | Anyway, I know it’s the end of the day. | |
| [03:08] | We just wanted to stop by and say hi | |
| [03:09] | And then later on, we have a reservation at Patsel’s. | |
| [03:13] | Miss Lumbar | |
| [03:15] | Hey, Kev Yeah. | |
| [03:17] | Nice sweater Thank you | |
| [03:20] | Nellie was nice enough to give it to me | |
| [03:23] | She’s sweet I just wish there was pockets | |
| [03:28] | What happened to Old Salty? | |
| [03:30] | Nellie let me bobble-ize him | |
| [03:31] | His name is now Captain Mutato. | |
| [03:35] | I’ve written quite a bit of X-Men fan fiction. | |
| [03:37] | Captain Mutato is half-man, half-mermaid | |
| [03:39] | So he can fight crime as a man | |
| [03:42] | and make love as a mermaid. | |
| [03:44] | Most of my writing involves the latter | |
| [03:52] | Okey-doke | |
| [03:56] | Yes? | |
| [04:00] | Whoa | |
| [04:03] | Well, you must be the famous Nellie Bertram I’ve been hearing all about | |
| [04:06] | I am the famous Andy Bernard you have been hearing all about. | |
| [04:10] | Oh, yes I just want to thank you | |
| [04:12] | for jumping in and minding the store | |
| [04:15] | during my temporary absence | |
| [04:17] | You are most welcome | |
| [04:19] | Anyway, now that I’m back I would love to have my office back, | |
| [04:22] | whenever you get a chance. No | |
| [04:25] | Obviously we’ll figure out the logistics | |
| [04:30] | of moving all of this stuff out of here. | |
| [04:33] | But, you know the sooner the better Get back to normalcy | |
| [04:36] | Mmm. No | |
| [04:42] | Thank you | |
| [04:44] | Okay | |
| [04:45] | Wait. Uh | |
| [04:46] | When I showed up here there was no manager | |
| [04:50] | It’s like when the Americans showed up at the Moon | |
| [04:52] | Nobody was there | |
| [04:53] | So they planted their flag, | |
| [04:55] | and it’s their moon now, isn’t it? | |
| [04:57] | Nobody likes it but it’s America’s bloody moon | |
| [05:01] | Just lay him in his crib and then bicycle his legs | |
| [05:04] | And then after Jim quiets down | |
| [05:05] | you do the same thing with your baby. | |
| [05:09] | But if he keeps having problems, just give me a call | |
| [05:11] | Oh, my gosh thank you so much | |
| [05:12] | But seriously, we don’t want to bother you | |
| [05:13] | any more than we already have. That’s it | |
| [05:15] | It’s no bother. You guys are our friends | |
| [05:17] | Ravi, our amazing paediatrician, | |
| [05:19] | was asking us if we knew any girls | |
| [05:21] | and I said, “I know the perfect girl.’ | |
| [05:24] | Yeah. Because Kelly is Indian and Oh, that’s it | |
| [05:30] | Race had nothing to do with it. | |
| [05:32] | I just knew they’d be good together | |
| [05:34] | Why? | |
| [05:36] | Kelly has been a handful in the past. | |
| [05:38] | But she’s had a bad influence. | |
| [05:39] | She’s like an addict, and I just had to get her clean. | |
| [05:43] | Get lower | |
| [05:44] | Next, I’m going to set up my sister with Darryl. | |
| [05:47] | Okay, we get it | |
| [05:48] | What? I think they’d be good together. Really? | |
| [05:54] | Um, also, little tip, never shake the baby | |
| [05:59] | Sorry, just to be clear, you’re saying do not shake the baby? | |
| [06:01] | Don’t shake the baby | |
| [06:02] | A lot of times parents get frustrated because the baby’s crying | |
| [06:04] | and they shake the baby and you got to… | |
| [06:08] | You can’t do that | |
| [06:10] | Don’t shake our baby Yeah. | |
| [06:11] | Okay, I’d never heard that before | |
| [06:13] | Oh, my God So, thank you | |
| [06:14] | Yeah, I’m glad you said something Me, too. | |
| [06:17] | Kelly and I broke up and she can do whatever she wants. | |
| [06:19] | And her new boyfriend seems awesome, | |
| [06:22] | if you’re into Indian people | |
| [06:24] | I’m not | |
| [06:27] | And that’s when I realized | |
| [06:29] | if you’re gonna put a thermometer in one end, | |
| [06:31] | you’d better put a lollipop in the other. | |
| [06:33] | Hey, I’m sorry Is this a workplace or a Starbucks? | |
| [06:36] | Because I was under the impression it was a workplace. | |
| [06:39] | Maybe I’m the crazy one | |
| [06:40] | No. No, we’re sorry. Come on, let’s go, Ravi | |
| [06:43] | Also, since when do we have guests here without clearance? | |
| [06:49] | Hey, um | |
| [06:51] | What’s the deal with this guy? He’s really into Kelly, huh? | |
| [06:54] | Yeah, they’re really great together | |
| [06:55] | Makes me wonder if I made a mistake | |
| [06:57] | No, no, no. Come on I think you guys are both happier now, right? | |
| [07:00] | You’re single. Plenty of girls to date, right? | |
| [07:04] | Yeah | |
| [07:06] | Maybe we weren’t right together but it’s weird | |
| [07:08] | I’d rather she be alone than with somebody. | |
| [07:13] | Is that love? | |
| [07:17] | That’s about it, yeah | |
| [07:21] | Well, Nellie picked up the slack around here | |
| [07:23] | while you were trolling the Florida beaches for tail | |
| [07:26] | like some college student on spring break. | |
| [07:29] | I had to tell Erin how I felt | |
| [07:31] | Andy, I appreciate your romantic quest | |
| [07:33] | and in an age before the telephone or Internet, | |
| [07:36] | or written language that would be compelling | |
| [07:39] | But there are five six devices in this room alone | |
| [07:41] | that would have let you tell her that without ever going to Florida. | |
| [07:44] | We live in amazing times | |
| [07:47] | Yeah, I know I screwed up | |
| [07:50] | But I always do whatever you ask of me | |
| [07:53] | and this will never happen again. | |
| [07:55] | And if Erin decides she’s made a mistake and returns to Florida? | |
| [07:59] | At least she knows how I feel, and I would not follow her. | |
| [08:06] | What if she were kidnapped by a gang of Albanian human traffickers? | |
| [08:12] | Like in Taken? | |
| [08:13] | What? | |
| [08:15] | Yes, of course if she’s taken. | |
| [08:17] | That’s what I’m talking about By Albanians | |
| [08:19] | I would stay in this office | |
| [08:22] | Wow, okay. I’ll remember you said that | |
| [08:31] | Nellie | |
| [08:34] | you’ve been terrific in your interim capacity | |
| [08:38] | but Andrew is the rightful manager | |
| [08:41] | so if you would just give him his office | |
| [08:44] | No. I’m sorry? | |
| [08:47] | This is what I was trying to tell you. | |
| [08:51] | I’m not accustomed to people saying no to me | |
| [08:53] | Well, Bobby, get accustomed to it | |
| [08:56] | because then it feels so good when they finally say yes. | |
| [09:09] | You’re both adults I’m sure you can | |
| [09:13] | figure this out between yourselves | |
| [09:19] | desire to influence a business decision | |
| [09:23] | So, I find it best to recuse myself temporarily | |
| [09:28] | until I’ve had a chance to make love | |
| [09:30] | and then go back and analyze the situation rationally. | |
| [09:36] | Buffett operates the same way. | |
| [09:42] | I want to order the zebra rug for my office, | |
| [09:44] | but can you dye it entirely black? | |
| [09:48] | No, I still want it to be a zebra. | |
| [09:51] | Well, I’ll know | |
| [09:53] | Because they’re ridiculous creatures | |
| [09:56] | They don’t know what they are. | |
| [09:57] | Phyllis says J. Duffy’s might be more our speed | |
| [10:00] | And if we want even the option of drawing on the placemats… | |
| [10:05] | of an anger problem | |
| [10:08] | Got me in some trouble a couple years ago. | |
| [10:09] | When I see him start to get mad, | |
| [10:11] | on his arm like this | |
| [10:16] | It reminds me to just check out and relax | |
| [10:21] | There’s also a lullaby they used to sing to me when I was growing up. | |
| [10:26] | The state of Pennsylvania is watching over you | |
| [10:30] | No need for parents, the governor will do | |
| [10:35] | It’s really nice | |
| [10:37] | The General Assembly’s like a mom and a dad | |
| [10:46] | …had | |
| [10:49] | about a trespasser | |
| [10:52] | Yes. Right this way | |
| [10:57] | Because they are idiots. Big, stripy, horsey idiots | |
| [11:02] | What you don’t… Hey | |
| [11:04] | Hank, please remove Nellie from my office | |
| [11:07] | Hank, thank God you’re here. | |
| [11:08] | This psychopath keeps barging into my office | |
| [11:10] | It’s my office | |
| [11:13] | Well, she’s sitting there like a manager | |
| [11:17] | And you’re standing up here like me | |
| [11:20] | But maybe it’s a little more complicated than that | |
| [11:30] | I’m going to count down from five | |
| [11:31] | and if you’re not out of my office | |
| [11:34] | I’m going to dock your pay $100 | |
| [11:37] | Five, four | |
| [11:39] | You can’t dock my pay | |
| [11:42] | Three, two, one | |
| [11:44] | Congratulations, you just lost $100 | |
| [11:47] | Really? | |
| [11:49] | Angela dock Andy’s pay $100 | |
| [11:53] | On it | |
| [11:55] | Great Five, four, three two, one. | |
| [12:00] | Angela, please dock Nellie’s pay $100. | |
| [12:08] | Hmm? | |
| [12:09] | Is she responding? Hmm | |
| [12:12] | Angela? Do you want to go again? | |
| [12:15] | Angela! Let’s go again | |
| [12:17] | Five, four, three two, one. | |
| [12:19] | Oh, she’s counting again Look out. | |
| [12:22] | Angela, $200 – Got it | |
| [12:26] | Seriously, Angela? | |
| [12:28] | I know what, let’s go $10,000 | |
| [12:33] | Five, four You’re just saying numbers. | |
| [12:36] | It’s meaningless. Three | |
| [12:38] | It’s literally like Two, one | |
| [12:58] | There you go | |
| [13:01] | Hey, we’re going to have a nice hot date | |
| [13:07] | What are you guys talking about? | |
| [13:09] | Charlie Rose I don’t know who that is | |
| [13:11] | Guys He has… | |
| [13:12] | Guys, come here | |
| [13:16] | What are you… Come on | |
| [13:21] | Where are we going? | |
| [13:23] | Okay. Do you guys want | |
| [13:25] | Andy, you should not stand there. | |
| [13:27] | The warehouse guys pee there all the time | |
| [13:31] | Ew | |
| [13:34] | Okay. Do you guys want to be part of something huge? | |
| [13:37] | I’m already a member of the largest club there is. | |
| [13:39] | Non-churchgoing Christians. | |
| [13:42] | You remember in the movie Rudy, | |
| [13:44] | when the player comes into the coach’s office | |
| [13:47] | and he throws his jersey down and he’s like, | |
| [13:49] | “I’m not playing without Rudy.’ | |
| [13:51] | And the coach is like, “One guy. No big deal.’ | |
| [13:53] | But then every player comes in, one by one | |
| [13:56] | and they all throw their jerseys down for Rudy. Remember that? | |
| [14:00] | Yeah, I remember that | |
| [14:02] | So, how amazing would it be | |
| [14:04] | if you guys all did that for me | |
| [14:08] | with your own brand new Dunder Mifflin jerseys? | |
| [14:12] | Hey, guys | |
| [14:20] | Gross. Gross, gross | |
| [14:23] | You don’t need to go | |
| [14:24] | while I was journaling, | |
| [14:26] | and they reminded me of you. | |
| [14:29] | Those are from our weekend at the time-share. | |
| [14:31] | Yeah, the fractional ownership property | |
| [14:34] | We took this one right before we got in that huge fight | |
| [14:37] | God, I don’t even remember what that fight was about. | |
| [14:39] | You were being really bratty about | |
| [14:40] | where we would go out to dinner | |
| [14:41] | but all I remember is how pretty you looked taking those pictures of me | |
| [14:47] | Anyway, if you want to order prints of your own, | |
| [14:51] | Yeah, that’d be cool. Thanks | |
| [14:52] | I’d like that | |
| [14:54] | You were so annoyed that I was taking that picture | |
| [14:57] | Someone’s into my abs | |
| [15:03] | Sorry | |
| [15:06] | You have doubles of this one, I could probably just take one | |
| [15:08] | I really want both | |
| [15:10] | I am seeing a side of Ryan that I have never seen | |
| [15:13] | since the last time we were broken up | |
| [15:15] | with Kelly Kapoor | |
| [15:18] | And I don’t know how I’m going to feel tomorrow or the next day | |
| [15:21] | or the day after that, but I do know that right here, right now | |
| [15:26] | all I can think about is spending the rest of my life with her. | |
| [15:31] | Again, that could change | |
| [15:35] | Hey. So, last night was so not a big deal | |
| [15:39] | Oh, yeah, I was just tired | |
| [15:40] | We both were Yeah. | |
| [15:42] | Plus I was definitely not my normal sexy self | |
| [15:45] | No. Are you kidding? You were so sexy. | |
| [15:48] | Just the thought of you last night like, crazy turns me on | |
| [15:53] | It just didn’t last night But you were so dang doable | |
| [15:57] | Even though we didn’t do it | |
| [15:58] | Well, it’s not like we can’t do it again when Whenever you’re ready. | |
| [16:03] | Uh, yeah. We are sexing it up tonight. I don’t care what you say | |
| [16:06] | No. It will be consensual | |
| [16:10] | Whether you like it or not | |
| [16:12] | Sounds good I’m gonna do you | |
| [16:15] | Not if I do you first. Oh | |
| [16:19] | But really it’s not a big deal | |
| [16:25] | Yeah. I know it’s not a big deal. | |
| [16:33] | Oh, hey, instead of lunch do you feel like going shopping? | |
| [16:37] | Are you serious? Yes | |
| [16:40] | That would be… I can’t Can you believe this? | |
| [16:43] | Hey, can you believe it? Nope | |
| [16:46] | Hmm | |
| [16:48] | Oh, do you want that dress in every size and every color? | |
| [16:51] | Yeah, it’s free returns | |
| [16:54] | getting along with Ryan again | |
| [16:56] | He’s so sweet He pointed to my latte and he said | |
| [17:00] | “Kelly, that would be the color of our children.’ | |
| [17:03] | God. Yeah, he’s so great | |
| [17:08] | Remember how it felt when he cheated on you, though? | |
| [17:10] | Which time? | |
| [17:14] | I am not going to let Kelly throw her life away on Ryan | |
| [17:19] | And it has nothing to do with access to my pediatrician | |
| [17:23] | Why you would even ask or were going to ask | |
| [17:25] | Because I feel like that question was coming | |
| [17:28] | But, you know, whatever Ask me anything. | |
| [17:30] | When you lost the manager job Yes? | |
| [17:32] | …did it affect you outside of the office? | |
| [17:36] | How? | |
| [17:38] | I don’t know what the technical term is | |
| [17:42] | Penial softy-osus | |
| [17:48] | Erin, I am so glad that you trusted me | |
| [17:51] | You came to the exact right person for this. | |
| [17:54] | No, I have never once experienced anything remotely like that. | |
| [17:57] | Ever, ever. Never | |
| [18:03] | Okay? | Okay |
| [18:06] | Washington Monument Okay | |
| [18:10] | Eiffel Tower! Okay | |
| [18:13] | Colossus at Rhodes | |
| [18:16] | Hey! I hear you’ve been badmouthing me to Kelly | |
| [18:20] | All I did was remind her that you used to treat her badly | |
| [18:23] | Well, that’s your opinion and it’s her opinion, but it’s not my opinion | |
| [18:26] | If you have something bad to say to me, Pam say it to my face | |
| [18:30] | Fair enough. Um | |
| [18:34] | a very good person | |
| [18:37] | And forgive me, but I feel like I’ve said this to you before. | |
| [18:41] | Well, a lot of people would say that I’m a better match for Kelly than Ravi is | |
| [18:45] | Come on, Ryan, really? Ravi’s way better. | |
| [18:50] | For Kelly? Yeah. | |
| [18:52] | Man, you’re insane right now Ravi’s the whole package. | |
| [18:56] | I’ve never met Ravi personally, | |
| [18:58] | but I’m going to go ahead and say | |
| [19:00] | just having known you a short while, Brian, | |
| [19:02] | that I prefer Ravi, and again I’ve never even met the guy. | |
| [19:07] | Kelly, look around Nobody believes in us | |
| [19:10] | Nobody | |
| [19:11] | Ryan, just stop making a scene in front of all my friends | |
| [19:15] | Kelly, I wrote you the most amazing love poem. | |
| [19:18] | But I can’t even read it. My heart couldn’t handle it | |
| [19:22] | Oh, come on… Oh, no, no, no read it, please. | |
| [19:26] | No, it would cause me too much pain. | |
| [19:28] | Read through the pain. Be strong | |
| [19:29] | This poem would crush you. | |
| [19:31] | God, Ryan, go away She found herself a beautiful boyfriend | |
| [19:35] | Yeah, man, he’s absolutely gorgeous | |
| [19:38] | Please leave her alone | |
| [19:39] | You see, Kelly? Our love scares them | |
| [19:42] | It screws up their cookie cutter world | |
| [19:50] | Do you guys think he’s right, though? | |
| [19:54] | Do we live in a cookie cutter’s world? | |
| [19:56] | Absolutely, but it’s not the point. God | |
| [20:01] | One of Toby’s eyes is getting smaller. So there’s that | |
| [20:05] | Gabe bragged about having an extra ticket to the air show this weekend | |
| [20:09] | and Meredith said she was interested, and then Gabe said immediately | |
| [20:12] | that his friend might be taking the ticket, | |
| [20:15] | so I’ll keep you posted on that. | |
| [20:18] | Every day, I brief Nellie on what’s going on in the office. | |
| [20:20] | Most of it’s irrelevant | |
| [20:21] | But a good informer doesn’t judge what’s worth passing on. | |
| [20:24] | Oh, and Andy lost his masculinity, | |
| [20:26] | so congratulations on that. | |
| [20:28] | What do you mean? | |
| [20:29] | Erin made it clear to me that he was unable | |
| [20:30] | to perform sexually last night. | |
| [20:32] | By contrast, I went to sleep with an erection so large | |
| [20:34] | it was like I was wearing no blanket at all | |
| [20:37] | but you just demolished him! | |
| [20:41] | I’m little bit jealous, actually | |
| [20:42] | Reduced him to a mere ant | |
| [20:45] | I just wanted to take the man’s job not his manhood. | |
| [20:49] | Are we good? Everybody got a jersey? | |
| [20:51] | I still think it’s weird that we’re just doing Rudy. | |
| [20:54] | Like, not a spin on it we’re just doing it. | |
| [20:57] | What about The Dead Poets Society? Much better movie | |
| [21:00] | What? Get your movie rankings right, dude. | |
| [21:03] | Why can’t we just do whatever movie we want? | |
| [21:04] | ‘Cause I was gonna do a Spartacus. | |
| [21:06] | Oh, I wanna do a Spartacus. | |
| [21:07] | I am Spartacus | |
| [21:08] | No, I am Spartacus | |
| [21:10] | Hey, guys, we’re doing Rudy, okay? So get ready | |
| [21:14] | Okay, I would like to invite everyone into the conference room | |
| [21:17] | Sure. But first, there is something | |
| [21:19] | No, that’s not important Conference room, now. | |
| [21:21] | You can’t call a meeting, so | |
| [21:25] | But I would like to have a meeting | |
| [21:27] | in the conference room right now, | |
| [21:28] | so come on, guys let’s get in the conference room. | |
| [21:30] | Thank you. Good | |
| [21:32] | Thank you for coming to my meeting | |
| [21:34] | Appreciate it | |
| [21:36] | Okay, if you would like to take a seat, we can get started. | |
| [21:39] | Can’t do it because I got to run a meeting, so | |
| [21:41] | Wanted to talk to all of you guys about importance | |
| [21:46] | and know that each and every one of you is vitally important | |
| [21:52] | Andrew, not everyone here is important. And the word is “impotence.’ | |
| [21:57] | Which is important in its own way | |
| [22:00] | so if you’d just like to take a seat, Andy | |
| [22:02] | Take a man’s job, but leave him his balls | |
| [22:05] | Margaret Thatcher said that, probably | |
| [22:07] | Don’t know. Don’t read Didn’t see the movie. | |
| [22:10] | So, Nellie wanted to have a meeting on impotence. | |
| [22:12] | Have to run it as impotence is a concept | |
| [22:15] | as foreign to me as baba ghanoush | |
| [22:19] | Something to do with eggplant | |
| [22:21] | That’s all I know | |
| [22:23] | This meeting is not about any one person in particular | |
| [22:27] | It is a human problem. It’s not just a human problem | |
| [22:30] | Flounders frequently experience impotence | |
| [22:32] | especially when converting from male to female | |
| [22:34] | and then back again to male – Really? | |
| [22:36] | Nellie, does the “person” affected by this want us to help her | |
| [22:40] | in any way in particular? | |
| [22:41] | Oh! Oh | |
| [22:43] | It’s not me. No, no | |
| [22:44] | I’ve never had any problem in that arena | |
| [22:47] | And I have been with several older men | |
| [22:50] | How old? | How old? |
| [22:51] | Jinx, buy me some Coke | |
| [22:52] | Dwight told me about it earlier | |
| [22:54] | Dwight? | |
| [22:57] | You promised | |
| [22:58] | Dwight couldn’t get it up for Nellie? | |
| [22:59] | No, no, no, no, no it’s not me. | |
| [23:02] | I’m going to prove it right here and now. | |
| [23:05] | What are you doing? Stop that, Dwight | |
| [23:08] | Stop that, stop it | |
| [23:11] | Fine, it was me. I couldn’t I had a problem with Erin last night | |
| [23:15] | Happy? | |
| [23:16] | My mind last night and I didn’t perform | |
| [23:21] | Okay, it happens to plenty of guys | |
| [23:24] | It’s usually not followed by a giant workplace discussion and an interview | |
| [23:30] | Every guy in this room has been touched by this affliction. Tuna? | |
| [23:36] | D-Dog | |
| [23:38] | Um | |
| [23:44] | I’m terrible at math overweight | |
| [23:47] | You’re in great shape A lot better shape than I am tell you what. | |
| [23:52] | It seems Andy is the only one with this problem | |
| [23:55] | Fascinating | Fascinating |
| [23:57] | what the problem is Erin doesn’t even like sex | |
| [24:00] | Remember? You said it feels like getting tackled by a skeleton | |
| [24:03] | Chumbo, come on, help me out Any problems with Little Chumbo? | |
| [24:06] | Tip top shape | |
| [24:08] | Stanley No. Mmm-mmm | |
| [24:11] | Creed, you are 1,000 years old | |
| [24:14] | Haven’t heard any complaints Wouldn’t care if I did | |
| [24:17] | Okay, so Actually, Andy | |
| [24:18] | we’ve experienced it | |
| [24:21] | What happened? | |
| [24:22] | A couple of times. A couple of times? | |
| [24:25] | Jim, maybe you could tell us about one of those times. | |
| [24:28] | Yeah. Get it out there – Yeah, Jim. | |
| [24:29] | Um | |
| [24:33] | Uh, yes, that time that it was very late | |
| [24:37] | Uh. | |
| [24:39] | We had had sex so many times already I was exhausted | |
| [24:42] | Okay, stop. I could barely see I was very drunk | |
| [24:44] | If it makes you feel any better | |
| [24:46] | I never had an orgasm until I was 42 | |
| [24:49] | And then when I did, it lasted until I was 44 | |
| [24:53] | Forty-three was just | |
| [24:59] | I’ve read, and I don’t know anything about this personally | |
| [25:02] | but they say prostate stimulation can help. | |
| [25:04] | Ugh | |
| [25:05] | This is just a This American Life I think I heard | |
| [25:07] | No, that’s absolutely the case. I know, right? | |
| [25:10] | You know my rectal electro-ejaculator is rated for bovine use only | |
| [25:14] | but I could let you rent it | |
| [25:15] | Andy, why don’t you tell us about the best erection of your life? | |
| [25:19] | Or does anyone else have any remarkable erections they’d like to share? | |
| [25:24] | Wow. Oh What are we talking about? | |
| [25:25] | Toby, doesn’t HR have some rules | |
| [25:27] | against talking about this kind of stuff? | |
| [25:29] | Erin, HR is a joke. I can’t do anything about anything | |
| [25:32] | The most important thing to remember is do not stress about this | |
| [25:36] | Stress just makes it worse | |
| [25:39] | and then you stress more and that’s a vicious spiral | |
| [25:43] | come in today | |
| [25:47] | Dad, don’t think of it as a demotion | |
| [25:49] | just think of it as a promotion to a lower level. | |
| [25:51] | I don’t think you have to tell your friends anything | |
| [25:54] | It hasn’t been decided yet. | |
| [25:55] | Erin, on the phone memos you’re writing the date American style | |
| [25:58] | Month, day, year. I prefer it day, month, year | |
| [26:01] | Small, bigger, biggest | |
| [26:03] | Oh | |
| [26:04] | Sexual innuendo not intentional. | |
| [26:06] | Shut up. Shut up, liar | |
| [26:10] | “Sexual innuendo not intentional!” | |
| [26:14] | I am sick of your dumb opinions | |
| [26:17] | and if you don’t like the way that I take phone messages, here | |
| [26:22] | Take them yourself | |
| [26:25] | Our sex life is none of anyone’s business | |
| [26:29] | And Andy is the manager Not Nellie | |
| [26:33] | Stop protecting me! I’m a man! I can protect myself | |
| [26:36] | This is misdirected anger and I’m sorry! | |
| [26:37] | I don’t mean to lash out at you | |
| [26:39] | There’s a lot coming up right now all at once | |
| [26:41] | Dad, go to he I’m taller than you | |
| [26:43] | Okay, just calm down | |
| [26:45] | You are not the manager I earned that job! | |
| [26:48] | Chosen after Robert was chosen and quit | |
| [26:51] | Andy, why don’t you just take a seat? | |
| [26:53] | Why don’t you take a seat, idiot? | |
| [26:56] | Why don’t you take all your stupid memos? | |
| [26:58] | And your stupid pens and your dumb caramels | |
| [27:02] | And your stupid face | |
| [27:05] | And your stupid office | |
| [27:07] | Ah! Ow | |
| [27:13] | He does not like that wall | |
| [27:18] | Maybe we’ll get sent to anger management together. | |
| [27:23] | That would actually be cool I’d love for you to meet some of the guys | |
| [27:31] | Andy, Erin you can join us now | |
| [27:48] | What do you like about Ryan? | |
| [27:50] | Ryan keeps up with all the latest technology trends | |
| [27:53] | And he’s very honest with me about when I put on weight | |
| [27:57] | And he has the soul and the body of a poet | |
| [28:00] | Mmm | |
| [28:01] | Ravi’s hotter | |
| [28:03] | and looks are subjective, | |
| [28:05] | but there’s no question about it | |
| [28:07] | Yeah, but I’m just worried | |
| [28:09] | that I’m only attracted to Ravi | |
| [28:10] | because he looks exactly like this Calvin Klein model that I’m attracted to. | |
| [28:13] | Who cares? That’s fine | |
| [28:14] | When I was your age, I had to choose between a Ryan and a Ravi | |
| [28:17] | and I chose the Ryan | |
| [28:20] | And if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have my kids | |
| [28:23] | You’d still have kids | |
| [28:26] | Better kids. You’ve got to go with Ravi. | |
| [28:29] | Here’s my advice Figure out what your heart wants. | |
| [28:32] | And if it’s not Ravi, change it. To Ravi | |
| [28:41] | why this is a dilemma for you | |
| [28:44] | He has, like, this je ne sais quoi. | |
| [28:48] | He taught me that | |
| [28:52] | Ravi makes me incredibly happy | |
| [28:54] | And Ryan puts me through so much drama | |
| [28:56] | So I guess I just have to decide | |
| [28:58] | which of those is more important to me | |
| [29:01] | Andy, we’re going to go with Nellie as manager | |
| [29:05] | and put you back on the sales team | |
| [29:07] | we’ll all laugh about this incident. | |
| [29:11] | I already think it’s kind of funny | |
| [29:21] | No | |
| [29:23] | Excuse me? | |
| [29:26] | I’m saying no | |
| [29:28] | Well, you can’t say no | |
| [29:30] | No | |
| [29:36] | Oh. Boo | |
| [29:38] | Holy crap | |
| [29:40] | Boo! Boo! Boo to you Pam, you are toxic You are toxic. | |
| [29:43] | Kelly, I have a few things to say to you, but please don’t interrupt | |
| [29:47] | Yeah, but you do a lot, so just don’t. | |
| [29:50] | Thank you. I know that I haven’t always treated you | |
| [29:53] | the way that you for whatever reason | |
| [29:55] | feel you deserve to be treated | |
| [29:57] | But I want to marry you Kelly Kapoor | |
| [30:00] | Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but some day. | |
| [30:03] | And probably | |
| [30:05] | Barf! Oh! You suck | |
| [30:07] | What is your problem? | |
| [30:09] | Hey, can we turn this back around quickly please? | |
| [30:11] | Can we turn this around quickly? This is very important to me | |
| [30:13] | Turn around | Turn around |
| [30:16] | Can we turn this * thing around, please? Thank you. | |
| [30:18] | She don’t want to turn around. Thank you | |
| [30:21] | Kelly, I can’t promise you that we’ll always stay together, | |
| [30:25] | I can’t promise you that I’ll never cheat on you Nor should I | |
| [30:28] | Modern marriages aren’t built that way Men aren’t built that way | |
| [30:31] | There’s a very interesting article I can email to you | |
| [30:33] | But I can tell you this, even if the odds are 50-50 | |
| [30:35] | that we’ll break up within the week | |
| [30:41] | Ryan | |
| [30:42] | Will you roll those dice with me? | |
| [30:44] | You mean so much to me | |
| [30:48] | But I love Ravi and I choose him No, you don’t | |
| [30:51] | No, you don’t | |
| [30:52] | still be friends | |
| [30:57] | Can I have a hug? | |
| [31:06] | Oh. Ew | |
| [31:08] | Well, it’s good to see Kelly is maturing. | |
| [31:12] | Oh, God | |
| [31:13] | Look, Andrew, we can discuss the specifics of the job. | |
| [31:18] | No | |
| [31:20] | It’s the apology. I really have to insist | |
| [31:22] | No Stop saying “no.” | |
| [31:24] | No | |
| [31:25] | Andrew, if you say “no” one more time you’re fired. | |
| [31:29] | So, is there anything else you want to say? | |
| [31:34] | No | |
| [31:36] | I can’t describe it. I just, for the first time in a long time, | |
| [31:43] | Here. | |
| [31:46] | But you hurt your hand. I got it | |
| [31:50] | Right now? Yes | |
| [32:08] | You’re not the least bit curious | |
| [32:10] | to hear a poem straight from Ryan’s soul? | |
| [32:13] | Not at all. Can we go? | |
| [32:14] | “Kapoor and Ka-desperate he watches.’ | |
| [32:18] | Second line! “He is a drifter out to sea.” | |
| [32:21] | “And when the Indian Ocean calms one speck of white remains | |
| [32:25] | “in waters cold and Kelly green.’ | |
| [32:28] | It’s just so dumb | |
| [32:31] | But when he describes himself as a child lost on a life raft… | |
| [32:39] | Ryan can never know |